Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
'The worst thing ever invented.'
'I once came across the corpse of a dead sheep - this transported me back to that moment.'
Those are just two of the glowing testimonies for Lynx Marmite-scented deodorant.
What, I hear you ask. Marmite scented deodorant? Come off it. Never.
Seriously. Another comment from one customer likened it to 'sick'.
Obviously, whoever owns the Lynx name thought that marrying the Africa scent... already a bit naff... with Marmite would be a spiffing wheeze.
The buying public didn't agree and now the cut-price bins in those shops that bothered to stock the stuff are filled with cans of it selling for something like 47 pees. Talking of pees, that's another smell it has been likened to.
One customer suggested that it was so bad it would at least keep beasties away and this set me thinking.
Years ago I read an article which advised of a good way to keep mosquitoes at bay. It suggested that you eat marmite every day for a fortnight before you headed to any place where you might encounter the little bas... beasties. The claim was that the Marmite aroma would seep through your pores and put them off having a chomp at you.
I think the folk at Lynx are missing a trick here. No doubt Africa/Marmite Lynx will be deleted from production in light of the negative comments people have been posting online but, come on Lynx people, think. Instead of selling the stuff as some kind of childish joke, you should be marketing it as a useful mosquito repellant.
Avon have been selling lorry loads of Skin So Soft for years because people thought of it not as an anti-aging cream but as an anti-midgie cream. Ask any bowler or golfer and they will probably tell you how good it is.
Perhaps those bowlers and golfers should give Marmite Lynx a go and put some positive comments online.
Incidentally, I have no connection to the company that makes Lynx and Marmite... although I do enjoy the occasional Twiglet.
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?
Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 13th of August? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
James Gilray 1756 - Caricaturist and printmaker.
John Logie Baird 1888 - Inventor of television.
Alfred Hitchcock 1899 - Film maker. Factoid: He didn’t have a navel. Don’t ask me how I know that.
Alan Sainsbury 1902 - Shopkeeper.
Bartlett Mullins 1904 - Actor. Mr Clough in The Likely Lads. 161 credits on IMDb.
Basil Spence 1907 - Architect. Designed Coventry Cathedral. He also designed the school I went to. It’s now been flattened to make way for a more modern (blander) building and a housing estate.
George Shearing 1919 - Jazz pianist. Here is a performance of his own composition, Lullaby of Birdland.
John Tidmarsh 1928 - Broadcaster and journalist.
Bernard Manning 1930 - Comedian, it says here.
Rod Hull 1935 - Comedian, it says here.
Susan Jameson 1941 - Actress. Jessie Seaton/Ashton in When the Borrrt Comes In. Mrs James Bolam.
Michael Brennan 1943 - Photographer... of famous people.
Davina Galica 1944 - Racey car bloke.
Stephen MacKenna 1945 - Jobbing actor. John Lennon in Birth of the Beatles.
Howard Marks 1945 - Drug smuggler. Five years ago I included him in our birthday honours and told the story that The Small Faces song Here Comes the Nice was written in his honour. I have since found out that, although he was known as Mr Nice, there is no connection. One of those apochryphal stories, I’m afraid.
Robin Jackman 1945 - Crickety bloke.
Jane Carr 1950 - Actress. Gillian Page-Wood ‘Pudding’ in It’s Awfully Bad for Your Eyes, Darling. Moved to the U.S. in the mid eighties and has never looked back... At least she doesn’t have to appear in sh*t* like It’s Awfully Bad for Your Eyes, Darling.
Ric Parnell 1951 - One-time drummer with Atomic Rooster. Perhaps more famous as Mick Shrimpton in This is Spinal Tap. Perhaps not.
Paul Greengrass 1955 - Film director/producer.
Richard Hawley 1955 - Actor. Johnny Connor in Coronation Street.
Martin Brabbins 1959 - Conductor.
Michael ‘Mickey’ Bradley 1959 - An Undertone. A clip? Why soitenly. Here’s John Peel’s favourite song, Teenage Kicks.
Stuart Maconie 1960 - Presenter, journalist and author.
Phil Taylor 1960 - Spear chucker.
Bobby Williamson 1961 - Fitba guy.
Alan Shearer 1970 - Foo’y blurk.
Dean Marriott aka D. Ramirez 1970 - Musician. Had a UK number 2 with this remix of Bodyrox’s Yeah Yeah.
Joe Perry 1974 - Snookery bloke.
Roddy Woomble 1976 - Musician. Frontman for Idlewild. Here is their only top ten song to date, You Held the World in Your Arms.
Euan Morton 1977 - Actor. Played Boy George in Taboo.
James Morrison 1984 - Singer-songwriter. Here’s his first big hit, You Give Me Something.
Freya Mavor 1993 - Actress. Mini McGuinness in Skins.
I’ve received a letter...
Yo! James Gramlahson,
Mostly, I enjoyed hearin' you record You Give Me Somefing. Me and da other bros was finking, dint yo also 'as da hit wif Nelly Furtadoes. What was dat hit on da hi-pad?
Yours fayfully, innit,
How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? We won. Not really. 74 pees back from a £2.20 outlay doesn’t really count, does it? What happened? Read on...
Burnley vs Luton - Home win
Result - Burnley 1 Luton 1
Ooh! ’It the bar!
Burnley recovered from the shock of conceding an early goal to earn a draw at home to Luton Town.
The Hatters took the lead through defender Dan Potts after the Clarets were unable to clear a corner.
Home fans had to wait until after the break for the equaliser as midfielder Josh Brownhill beat keeper Ethan Horvath with a low shot from outside the box.
It was their only effort on target in the match.
Preston vs Hull - Home win
Result - Preston 0 Hull 0
Ooh! ’It the bar! Again!
The hosts created more chances and nearly went ahead early on but Emil Riis' left-footed drive was saved by visiting goalkeeper Matt Ingram.
Preston piled on the pressure in the second half and Robbie Brady's shot from outside the box rattled the post after taking a deflection.
Troy Parrott looked certain to break the deadlock and put North End ahead when he found himself through on goal in the closing minutes.
But the striker had one too many touches and Tigers goalkeeper Ingram managed to get a hand on the ball before it was cleared off the line by Jacob Greaves.
Hull defender Lewie Coyle had a couple of efforts off target, but Preston's goalkeeper Freddie Woodman remained largely untroubled.
Sheffield Utd. vs Millwall - Home win
Result - Sheffield Utd. 2 Millwall 0
Iliman Ndiaye gave the Blades an early lead, planting a firm right-footed shot into the corner of the net.
And midway through the first half it was 2-0 when John Fleck seized on Charlie Cresswell's poor miscue and squared to Sander Berge who rounded goalkeeper Bart Bialkowski and slotted in.
Bialkowski prevented further damage by saving Oliver Norwood's first-half penalty kick after Jake Cooper had tripped Rhian Brewster.
Barnsley vs Cheltenham - Home win
Result - Barnsley 1 Cheltenham 0
Luke Thomas scored the only goal as Barnsley beat Cheltenham at Oakwell.
Cheltenham had the first clear chance after a Taylor Perry cross found the feet of Dan N'Lundulu, who shot wide from inside the box.
Barnsley had the ball in the back of the net four minutes after the interval as captain Mads Andersen tapped home, only to see the goal ruled out for offside.
A minute later, Liam Kitching headed over after meeting James Norwood's cross.
The winner came in the 66th minute when Thomas drove forward after intercepting a loose Cheltenham pass, hitting a fierce strike into the left side of the goal to beat Luke Southwood.
Kitching almost added a second goal in the final minute when his effort went just over the bar.
Portsmouth vs Lincoln - Home win
Result - Portsmouth 0 Lincoln 0
Ooh! ’It the bar! Yet again!
A dull game at Fratton Park tested the players' fitness in sweltering conditions.
In the first 45 minutes Lincoln failed to have a single shot on target, whereas Pompey managed four.
Reeco Hackett had the best of those chances on 43 minutes, having two bites of the cherry. His first effort bounced off goalkeeper Carl Rushworth, but his follow-up effort under pressure was way over the crossbar.
The second half did not fare much better, although Pompey made four substitutions and Lincoln two.
The changes brought the game to life, but shots on target and goals failed to materialise.
First weekend of the new season, what can I say? Three hit the bars? Not good enough. Come on Grambler, buck your ideas up. What has he/she/it come up with this week?
Game - Result - Odds
Accrington vs Burton - Home win - 19/20
Derby vs Barnsley - Home win - 17/20
Ipswich vs MK Dons - Home win - 5/6
Sheffield Wed vs Charlton - Home win - 13/20
Wycombe vs Shrewsbury - Home win - 19/20
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
Ooh, six pees less whopping than last week’s.
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Corbridge, Northumberland in 1960. I played as a centre back for several clubs during a 20 year senior career, most notably a nine year spell at Manchester United where I made 309 appearances. Though I was captain for Man U., steering them to a league and cup double in 1993. I am now known for my managerial skills having managed 11 clubs since 1998.
Answer - Steve Bruce
2. Which side won the National League title this year to end an 11 year absence from the Football League?
Answer - Stockport
3. Whose transfer to Rangers in 2000 is still a record paid by any Scottish club?
Answer - Tore Andre Flo (£12 million)
4. Which Dutchman managed Newcastle United in the 1998-99 season?
Answer - Ruud Gullitt
5. Who won a fifth consecutive Bundesliga top scorer award in 2021-22?
Answer - Robert Lewandowski
How about five for this week?
I was born in Ruabon, Wales in 1963. I began my senior career at Manchester United before being transferred to Barcelona for a record (for a British player) £2 million. I then returned to Man U., playing over 250 games. After seven years, I was transferred to Chelsea and had short spells at Southampton and Everton before ending my playing career at Blackburn Rovers. I was capped for Wales 72 times and became the national side’s manager in 1999 while still playing for Southampton.
2. Who won the first ever Premier League Golden Boot award in season 1992-93?
3. Name the coach from these clubs managed - Hartlepools United, Derby County, Brighton and Hove Albion, Leeds United and Nottingham Forest.
4. Which player has scored the most goals in a single season? Bonus: how many?
5. Another daft one to finish. On the 4th of May this year, Steve Hodge bought Diego Maradonna’s 1986 shirt at auction. How much did he pay for it?
There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).
Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at over £60,000.
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to Messrs R. Hull, E. Mu and M. Parkinson. Yes, this week’s finishing clip is that moment when Parkinson got attacked by Rod Hull’s psycho puppet. Incidentally, Billy Connolly was also a guest on that show and he warned Mr. Hull with the words, ‘If that thing comes near me, I’ll break its neck and your arm.’ Ladeez and genullum, enjoy Emu vs Parky.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.