Week 7 - A-Grambling we will go

Question: Why is Big Wean Rooney wearing that stupid looking black headband?  He takes it off at the end of every game and there isn’t a mark on him; so why?  Is it to prevent his hairweave getting damaged if he heads the ball?  Wimp.  I heard the whole team is a bunch of wimps.  Apparently, they all got a touch of the sniffles so the team was renamed Man Flu-nited.  Boom boom!  Hey that is worthy of our esteemed founder that one is.  Anyway, time for a song -

I love to go a-grambling
Along the mountain track
And as I go, I love to sing
My knapsack on my back
Grambleee, grambleah
Grambleee, grambleah,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha.  Ho ho ho.  Hee hee hee etc. etc. ad infinitum

Thank you the Obi wan kenobekirchen Children’s Choir who start us off this week with a happy toon.  Why so happy?  Because last week’s Grambler predictions gave us a fine return of 14 point zero 8 of your British pounds.  And that made The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund happy which in turn made the Bobby Moore Fund happy.  So everybody’s happy!

Will this week’s predictions make everyone so happy?  There is only one way to find out…

GRAMBLE!!! (Even Harry Hill’s getting in on the act)

This week we are able to choose from 56 games.  Only 56, I hear you ask (I don’t really hear you. How could I hear all 7 of you at once. That would be silly! Mind you we could all be in the same room.  But then, some of you would have to have travelled across continents to get here.  A rather expensive way of taking what I say literally, don’t you think.).  But last week there were 71 to choose from.  Why so few?  Well, dear reader, I make it a point that the only games for The Grambler to select from are those in the senior leagues (Yes, I know. But last week was an exception.) and only those which kick off at 3pm on a Saturday.  Yes Saturday Mr Sky.  3pm Mr BT.  Not Friday evening, not Saturday evening, not Sunday at any time and definitely not Monday evening.  3pm Saturday.  Not any other time.  Do you know how many Premiership games are on this Saturday, the 19^th of October at 3pm?  Six!  Six!!  Can you believe that?  Out of a possible 12 games only six take place at what is the traditional and, in my view, correct time of 3pm on a Saturday.  The rest are earlier, later or on Sunday.  Flipping TV companies!  I don’t know!  They think they can give these clubs millions upon millions of pounds and expect to get something in return!  Soooo selfish.

Game – Result – Odds

Oldham Athletic vs Carlisle United – Draw – 5/2

The first prediction from The Grambler takes us to Boundary Park where the Latics (short for Athletic.  Why not Letics, then?  That would make more sense.) play host to the Cumbrians.  The Grambler reckons that Oldham can take a point from this game and why not?  Having drawn two of their past three games, it’s a possibility.  They are not a team used to winning, having won only twice this campaign; the last time being on the 24^th of August.  Carlisle, on the other hand, are on a bit of a run right now with their past four games being three wins and a draw.  The teams seem fairly evenly matched; Carlisle currently sit 15^th in the table with Oldham four places down at 19.  At the end of last season just two places separated them (Carlisle 17^th and Oldham 19^th).  Previous meetings between these clubs are also evenly matched – over the past dozen games (Why a dozen, you ask?  Why not, I answer.  It’s as good a number as any.) Carlisle just edge it with 4 wins to Oldham’s 3.  That leaves 5 draws.  Another draw today would make us and The Grambler very happy.  However, last season’s meetings finished with Carlisle the victors on both occasions.  Can they keep it going this season?  Hmm.

Portsmouth vs Bury – Home – 10/11

Not them again!  Yes we are off to Fratton Park where Pompey play host to the Shakers.  The Grambler seems to like Portsmouth; third time they have been selected in five weeks.  He/she/it has yet to predict that Portsmouth would lose.  Like the last prediction, The Grambler reckons that they will win and who can doubt it after what happened?  Remember the resounding 3-0 victory against Rochdale two weeks ago?  It is quite possible given that Bury are as crap as Portsmouth – they both got relegated from Division 1 (Or 3 if you live in the real world.  Premiership indeed.  Has nobody realised that premier means first?  As in first division!).  Sorry.  My usual rant.  I do apologise.  Where was I?  Oh yes, both teams are crap.  Yes.  Let us just hope that Portsmouth are the less crappy in this one.

Motherwell link: Yassin Moutaouakil – used to play for the ‘Well.  Told you that two weeks ago.  You remember?  You do.  The fans sung the View to a Kill song.  I told you.  The James Bond theme.  I did tell you.

Kilmarnock vs Ross County – Away – 9/5

Our third selection takes us north of the border to the land of kilts, shortbread and entrepreneurs who can sell such tat to the visiting English.  And it’s off to Rugby Park where Killie (Home of the famous Killie pie.  Mmm.  They’re delicious.  Now available at a store near you.  I don’t get paid for this, you know.  So, if anyone wants to let the Killie pie company know that I am promoting their absolutely mouth-wateringly scrummy pies, I don’t mind.  Might get a freebie or two out of it.) play host to the Staggies.  Are you looking Watford fans?  Their emblem has a stag on it so they are called the Staggies.  Not the wasps or bees.  Bloody great moose on your emblem and you call your club the Hornets?  I don’t know, I really don’t.  Sorry, getting carried away there [You should be – Ed].  Right, to business; The Grambler has predicted that County will beat Kilmarnock.  Hmm.  Last season’s three meetings went twice in Kilmarnock’s favour with 1-0 and 3-0 scorelines and the other game was a 0-0 draw.  So, going by that, it would seem unlikely that Ross County would win this.  But, judging by the way this season has started, The Grambler might well have this one correct.  Kilmarnock sit in 11^th place on a measly three points, still to win a game.  Only the fact that Hearts began the season on minus 15 points and have so far only clawed back 8 of them keeps Killie from bottom spot.  Ross County haven’t had a great start to this campaign either, but they have at least got a taste of winning having taken maximum points three times so far.  Yes, I think I am with The Grambler on this one.

Motherwell links: Ross County’s manager Derek Adams played for the ‘Well from 1998 to 2004 making 159 appearances and scored 19 goals.  Brian McLean played in defence for Motherwell between 2005 and 2009.  Goalkeeper Mark Brown Spent a couple of seasons with the ‘Well from 2001-02.  He only played 19 games though;  Stevie ‘Teflon’ Woods was number one choice throughout his stay.  Talking of goalies, Ross County second choice Michael Fraser also spent some time at Motherwell – mainly sitting on the bench – thanks to the arrival first of John Ruddy (sometime England international) and then Darren Randolph (Ireland international).  No wonder he moved on!  And we’re not done yet.  Defender Steven Saunders began his career with Motherwell in 2008 and was getting a regular start until injury problems.  This year he was finally released and moved to Ross County.  Blimey, half the squad is ex-Motherwell.

Hamilton Academicals vs Raith Rovers – Draw – 13/5

The fourth of The Grambler’s predictions takes us to New Douglas Park where the Accies play host to the Rovers.  Did you know Hamilton Acedemicals are the only British professional football side to have originated from a school football team.  Did you also know that there is no such place as Raith?  At least not related to this football team.  They come from Kirkaldy.  How interesting…yawn.  This looks like an interesting encounter, though.  Accies have had a brilliant start to the season winning 6, drawing 2 and losing only 1 and sit top of the table.  Rovers have not had too bad a start either losing only 1 of the 8 so far played and sit in 4^th spot.  Both teams are free scoring this season – Rovers have scored 15, Accies 13 – but Accies are better defensively, having shipped only 4 compared to Rovers 10.  How did results go in previous meetings?  The last two times they played Hamilton won both games 2-0.  The two games prior to that went Rovers’ way 1-0 and 2-0.  Accies finished last season only two spots above Rovers.  Two evenly matched teams then but, the way Accies are playing at the moment, I would reckon the home advantage will see them take all points.  But, hey, what do I know?  The Grambler has humbled me a few times over the past few weeks – if he/she/it has got it right again, I am happy to be humbled.  Again.

Motherwell link: Rovers forward Callum Elliott spent some time with the ‘Well back in 2006 when he was loaned out by the Jambos.

East Stirlingshire vs Queen’s Park – Home – 8/11

And Finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther (Now do you understand what I am on about?  No?  Oh well, that’s life I suppose.) The Grambler takes us to Ochilview Park (yes, Stenhousemuir’s ground.  East Stirling groundshare with them.) where the Shite…sorry, Shire play host to the Spiders.  Now last time The Grambler picked Queen’s Park they were slap bang at the bottom of Scottish Division 2 (4!) and on that very day they picked up their first point.  Where are they now?  Er…sitting at the bottom of Division 2 (4!) on one point.  Can this be the same Queen’s Park that finished last season in 3^rd place.  What of East Stirlingshire?  They finished last season in 10^th place (of 10) so they must be pretty crappy too…Oh, currently sitting at the top, eh?  Hmm.  Amazing though it may seem, the Shire have had a brilliant start to this season – 7 played, won 5, lost 2.  They must be getting dizzy being that high in the league!  In fact, in seven games so far this season they have amassed almost twice as many points as the East Stirlingshire team managed in a full season of 36 games back in 2004 – during their spell of propping up the league five years running – when they got a grand total of 8 points.  No doubt their nickname was indeed the Shite back then.  That was then, things are different now and in my humble opinion, The Grambler has called it right.  Come on the Shite!

Well, there you have five predictions and no clunkers amongst ‘em.  Unfortunately, by playing it a bit safer this week The Grambler has kept the actual odds quite low.  Notice there are no 5/1s or 6/1s in there.  So the odds this week are a fairly low (no fanfare required) 116/1.

Of course there is the cowardy bet – you know 10 doubles – which, if The Grambler gets everything spot on will give odds of 71/1.

Thus, if my 20p accumulator and 20p doubles bet comes off, it will net The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund £37.61. 

Not exactly a fortune, but if we all won and put that money into the fund….

And so ends another week’s Grambling.  I am going to end on a sober note.  Hic.  I have been reading through Stewart’s (our esteemed founder) posts and happened upon the one he wrote on the 12^th of January.  It was written the day after he was told that he had only days, perhaps hours, to live.  It is poignant, yes.  It is written by someone who thought this would be his final post.  But it is still full of humour – the payoff is perfect.  Please read and smile.  And realise that this was written by a 27 year-old man dying of bowel cancer - a disease that the government tells us should be checked out by over 50s.  Tell everyone you know about Stewart.  Tell them that young people can get bowel cancer too.  Add that 21 teenagers are diagnosed with bowel cancer every year.  See http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/never-too-young/

And while you're about it, get everyone you know to read and learn from this blog.

Week 6 Results - We're in the money...sort of

Well, thanks to The Grambler’s astute predicting [that’s not what you said in your previous write-up – Ed] The Grambler’s ‘Kick Cancer’s Arse’ Fund has received a boost of £14.08.  Woo hoo!  And I mean that most sincerely.  If you are wondering what to do with all that dosh that The Grambler has won for you this weekend the place to go is http://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3

So how did The Grambler manage it.  Here are the results.

First up Stockport County vs Gainsborough Trinity which The Grambler predicted would be a draw.  First of all may I confess – I am confused [so what’s new – Ed].  You see, the BBC list of matches told me that these two teams would play each other; Bet365 accepted my bet that these two teams would play each other, but on Saturday the 12th of October at 3pm Stockport County players walked onto the park to be met by eleven players from… Rushall Olympic.  Excuse me?  Where did they appear from?  What happened to Gainsborough Trinity?  I have a theory.  The Trinity manager was checking through the web a day or so back for any references to his team and stumbled upon thegrambler.com.  Oho, he thinks.  Or it might have been aha, I am merely surmising… ‘What’s this?’ he asks and reads that The Grambler has predicted that Trinity will merely draw with Stockport.  ‘All right lads’, he says, ‘no point even going if we can’t do better than a draw.  I’ll cancel the minibus’.  What to do?  The Hatters have no opposition until somebody in the ground says ‘I know a team from the Evo-Stik league (yes, really) who haven’t got any opposition, why don’t we get them for a kickabout.  They should be easy peasy.’  And so it was arranged.

Oh dear, whoever thought that one up really came unstuck (gettit?).  Rushall Olympic came to Stockport and  - won.  Jimmy Turner’s 63rd minute free kick proved the difference between the two sides, sending the Evo-Stik Premier League side into Monday’s fourth qualifying round draw.  I told you Stockport were crap.

A draw between Colchester United and Walsall  was The Grambler’s second prediction.  Colchester, the draw specialists, took on the Saddlers at the Colchester Community Stadium.  The Saddlers started this game brightly with a couple of close chances early on.  However, it was the home side who scored on seven minutes with a fine strike by Freddie Sears from the edge of the box.  The match was very much to and fro from then on, both sides having shots on goal without scoring.  As ninety minutes came the home side must have thought that, for the first time since the very first day of the season, they would take all three points.  As stoppage time progressed, they must have felt ever more confident.  Four minutes.  Five minutes.  Six minutes.  Bang!  Andy Taylor scores from a magnificent free kick.  Colchester fans must have cursed the fourth official who decided that seven minutes of stoppage time had to be played.  One all it finished.  Colchester have now drawn six games out of eleven played and sit at eleventh spot in the table; had they won those games they would be in fourth spot.

 

Preston North End vs Crewe Alexandra

Okay.  I’m sorry.  Again.  There, I’ve said it.  Once again I rubbished The Grambler’s predicting skills and again he/she/it proved that I know fu… not a lot.  The Grambler predicted that Crewe sitting way down in 23rd spot in the league would visit Preston, sitting in 5th spot, and beat them.  And they did!  2-0.  As the game progressed, Preston looked the likeliest to score with Alexandra’s goalkeeper Steve Phillips called into action early on, turning a Scott Laird shot around the post. Ian Hume hit the crossbar from the resulting corner.  Against the run of play it was Crewe’s Byron Moore who scored on 27 minutes firing low below Declan Rudd from inside the box.  Former Bolton striker Kevin Davies missed an opportunity to equalise when he nodded a second-half chance past the post. As Preston went all out in search of a leveller, Crewe’s Inman struck to make it 2-0.  He then gave an unusual goal celebration by shouting ‘I’m free!’ Adam Dugdale came close to a third, lashing his effort onto the bottom of the crossbar before it ricocheted off Rudd's back and behind for a corner.

It is Crewe Alexandra's first League One win in seven games, dating back to 17 August when they beat Tranmere Rovers 2-1.

The clean sheet is also the Railwaymen's first of the campaign.

A brilliant prediction there from The Grambler especially as the bet was placed at 5/1.  So to The Grambler I say – You’re the man/woman/inanimate object!!

For our fourth game The Grambler predicted a draw between Wimbledon and Accrington Stanley.  And for the third time today he/she/it got it bang on.  Stanley might have had their first win of the season but Kayode Odejayi (That just about qualifies as cracking name of the week!) went from hero to villain as AFC Wimbledon came from behind to grab a dramatic 1-1 draw.  The veteran striker put Stanley ahead after 17 minutes as he rose highest to head home Lee Naylor's inswinging corner at the near post for his second goal of the season.  This prompted the Stanley faithful to sing:

He’s turns your back four in,
Your back four out,
In out, in out,
He’s gonna start a rout.

Kayode(y) Odejayi,
Scores another goal,
That’s what it’s all about...

Ohhhhhhhhh
Kayode(y) Odejayi
Ohhhhhhhhh
Kayode(y) Odejayi
Ohhhhhhhhh
Kayode(y) Odejayi
Knees bent,
Arms stretched,
Ra Ra Ra!!

Good that, isn’t it?  Apparently it was sung a lot by the Colchester United (the U’s) fans when he was a player there.

But on the stroke of half time he was shown the first red card of his career after raising his hands in the direction of Callum Kennedy (not the Callum Kennedy obviously; the popular Scottish singer of the same name is dead Dave).  From that point on the Dons dominated and in the second half Stanley's Marcus Bettinelli was called in to action to parry Jack Midson's close-range glancing effort, while Luke Moore was also denied by the keeper in the 76th minute.  But the pressure eventually told four minutes from the end when captain Alan Bennett (not the Alan Bennett obviously) rescued a point with a powerful header from Barry Fuller's cross.

And finally Esther The Grambler gave us the prediction that Arbroath vs Airdrieonians would end as an away win. Lee Erwin (Yay! Sort of) scored an 89th-minute penalty as Arbroath beat Airdrieonians 3-2 at Gayfield Park.  It was their second spot-kick of the afternoon. Alan Cook had missed the first in the 13th minute when he hit the post after winning the penalty. Plonker! They went ahead seven minutes later when Robert Linn rifled in his first league goal of the season but the visitors hit back on the hour mark when substitute William McLaren sent the ball past Scott Morrison from the middle of the box.  Arbroath edged ahead in the 77th minute when David Banjo (no that is cracking name of the week!) tucked in from close range but a smart finish from Lewis Coult levelled things up two minutes later.  But the home side secured the points when Erwin scored from the spot after Robert Linn was fouled in the box by Chris O'Neil, who was sent off for his challenge.  I wonder why Alan Cook didn’t take that penalty… So The Grambler was a bit off with that one.

Any road up, all these shenanigans mean that The Grambler has had the best weekend yet (during my shift in charge) which brings total winnings up to £24.19!  That is over four weeks admittedly, but if all we followers of The Grambler were to put our winnings into The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund that would make erm… over £70!  Most successful week or not, The Grambler still only got 3 out of the 5 predictions right; surely it is only a matter of time before he/she/it picks all 5!

Week 6 - Shober October (hic)...

‘Underground, overground, Grambling free,

The Grambles of Grambledon Common are we.

Making good use of spare cash that we find,

The cash that the everyday folk spend on wine…’

 

Thank you lads (and Uncle Grambleria).  Let me explain, before you accuse me of suggesting that you are all raging alcoholics.  Some of you maybe, but not all of you.  Do you remember ‘Movember’, or ‘Decembeard’ or even ‘Januhairy’ (Actually, I may have made that last one up.)?  Do you remember when everyone, even the men, were encouraged to grow facial hair for a month?  And also put razor blade manufacturers who charge way too much for their products out of business.  Yes, I’m talking to you Gillette Corporation.  Ten quid for four blades!  Incidentally, did you know that the founder of the Gillette business had the forenames King Camp?  And judging by pictures I have seen of him, he looked as if he was.

Any road up,  This month is ‘Sober October’ when everyone is encouraged to give up drinking alcohol and thus put hundreds of purveyors of same out of business.  Don’t worry pub owners – I am starting my own month-long campaign to get everyone back into drinking vast amounts of alcohol.  It’s called ‘Febrewery’ when everyone is encouraged to visit a brewery and partake freely (though not free as in cost) of the victuals on offer.  Although, I’m not sure if I have the organisational skills to pull that off.

Yes, Sober October.  Now this set me thinking – all you followers of The Grambler could give up drinking [steady on now – Ed] for a month and donate the money saved to The Grambler’s ‘Kick Cancer’s Arse’ Fund.  Hence, the opening lines from the Grambles.  A month?  Too much?  A week, then.  Still too much?  A couple of days then.  Surely you could take one or two fewer drinks.  No?  Hmm…Not sure this is going to get very far.  The thing is, I have even got Dougie, our local drunkard, on board to give us an advertising slogun – ‘Ur yeez geein up the bevvie fur Sober October?  Ah’m Ur!’  Maybe I should have asked when he wasn’t sloshed.  Anyway, if he hasn’t  got a hope that he  can do it – so can you!  Just tot up all the dosh you have saved and donate it to The Grambler’s ‘Kick Cancer’s Arse’ Fund at http://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3

 

Let us gramble.

This Friday has the World Cup qualifying games and I thought – should we ask The Grambler to come up some predictions?  Then I thought – Nah, let’s stick to Saturday’s games.  So, because of those qualifiers and the fact that a good few players from the English and Scottish leagues will be playing in them there are no Premiership, Championship or Scottish Premiership games this Saturday.

Most of the games for The Grambler to choose from are FA Cup 3rd round qualifiers in England and Scottish Cup qualifiers – probably of more interest to most than seeing whether Moldova can beat San Marino.  Probably better football played too!  There are also some games from English Division 1 and 2 (here we go – that’s Division 3 and 4 in reality) and some from Scottish Championship, Division 1 and Division 2 (that’s 2, 3 and 4) to choose from.  So this week The Grambler will be selecting five from a total of 71 games played this Saturday, 12th October.

And the five games chosen are….

Game – Result – Odds

Stockport County vs Gainsborough Trinity – Draw – 13/5

This is an FA Cup 3rd Round tie.  I am just hoping that they haven’t changed the rules for this competition and there are still replays if the game ends in stalemate.  So Stockport County against Gainsborough Trinity…hmm.  Maybe I should have gone with the World Cup qualifiers.  No.  No.  I will do a write up if it kills me [If it doesn’t, I might – Ed].  The Hatters play host to Trinity (or the Holy Blues – sounds like it’s a form of cool religious music) and The Grambler has predicted that this one will finish as a draw.  I can’t really argue with that.  Stockport have been pretty mince these past few seasons having been relegated from Division 2 (4!!!) of the Football League to the Conference Premier (or Skrill Premier if you want to be pedantic) in season 2010-11.  At the end of season 2012-13 they dropped again to the Conference North (or Skrill blah blah).  Sounds a bit like Portsmouth!  Currently they sit 15^th in the league just two places below Trinity.  They have lost only one of their past five games, the first of which was a 3-1 win against – you guessed it – Trinity.  Trinity, who finished the league in 8^th spot last season, are currently on an unbeaten run of four (having lost that game to Stockport).  Both teams however have found it difficult beating teams higher up the league and tend to perform better against teams currently sitting even lower down the league.  Has The Grambler called this one right?  We can only wait and see.

Colchester United vs Walsall – Draw – 5/2

The Grambler’s second prediction takes us to more familiar territory – the First (third!) Division (or Sky Bet League One – God help us!) – to the Colchester Community Stadium where the ‘U’s play host to the Saddlers.  The ‘U’s?  Is that the best you could come up with?  Colchester?  One of the oldest known settlements in Britain?  Colchester?  The capital of Roman Britain?  Colchester?  Possibly the real Camelot of Arthurian Legend?  And all you come up with is the ‘U’s?  You could have chosen from any number of historical references – the Romans, or the Gladiators, or the Knights of the Round Table…Okay, maybe not that last one.  But surely (Don’t call me Shirley) anything would be better than the ‘U’s.  How crap is that!  Ahem.  The Grambler has predicted that this will be a draw.  Given that Colchester have so far this season drawn five out of ten games, The Grambler could well be on to something.  However, it has been eight years since these two clubs have actually drawn a game.  The winning team has more often been the home side – in fact the last five games have gone this way with Colchester winning three and Walsall two.  Only four points (although six places) currently separate these two clubs so they are fairly evenly matched; although last season’s final placings would suggest otherwise with Walsall finishing 9th and Colchester a lowly 20th.  A draw?  Why not.

Preston North End vs Crewe Alexandra – Away – 5/1

The Grambler’s third prediction stays in the same division and takes us to Preston North End’s Deepdale where they play host to Crewe Alexandra.  The Grambler seems to do one of these every week – there’s Preston, sitting fifth in the league having won five, drawn four and only lost one, playing at home against a team who are sitting 21st having won – how many?  One.  One game.  So what does The Grambler do?  He/she/it predicts an away win!  Ah, you say – Who finished higher in the league last season?  Crewe.  Ah.  And who won both meetings between these clubs last season?  Crewe.  Ah.  And who has the best winger in the world and I know coz I’ve seen him he used to play for Motherwell?  Preston North End!  Ha!  Away win indeed.  Call yourself The Grambler!  Ha!

Motherwell Link – Winger Chris Humphrey used to play for Motherwell (I might have mentioned the fact) and he was pretty good.  Fastest guy I’ve seen on the right wing – pity he sometimes forgot to take the ball with him!  But he was getting better all the time!  And then he moves to Preston North End!!!

AFC Wimbledon vs Accrington Stanley – Draw – 14/5

For our fourth game The Grambler takes us to Grambledon…sorry, Wimbledon.  Well, not quite, as Wimbledon’s ground is a mile or two west at Kingston-Upon-Thames where the Dons play host to the team with the best name in the whole of the league – Accrington Stanley.  So why does it have such a brilliant name?  Was it named after a former player, perchance?  No. The Club was originally formed as Stanley Villa FC, because most of the team lived in Stanley Street. The Club was renamed Accrington Stanley in 1894.  Imagine that, a football league team made up of lads from the same street.  Wouldn’t happen now.  Lucky to get them from the same continent!  All these foreign players coming over here and teaching us plucky Brits how to dive in the box and roll around feigning injury or jumping into the air as if they had been pole-axed just to get someone booked.  Yes, I’m talking about you Neymar .  Yes I know he doesn’t play for a British club.  So what!  If I want an example of someone who dives, feigns injury etc., who better to pick?  Any road up, The Grambler has predicted that this one will end in a draw.  Hmm.  Accrington may have the best name in the league but they have made the worst start to this season (apart from Sunderland in the Premiership of course.  Poor old Sunderland.) with only two points from ten games.  Obviously Stanley’s player/manager James Beattie (yes that James Beattie) is not finding management so easy having only taken on the job at the end of last season. He is quoted as saying, ‘I don't mind doing any job at Accrington... I'll even clean the toilets!’  It’s good to know he’s got something to fall back on if he doesn’t make a success of management then.  However, in the past two seasons Stanley have met the Dons four times and cuffed them every time, home or away.  Maybe they save their best performances for the Dons.  This obviously helped Stanley finish last season two places higher than the Dons – 18th.^.  Big deal.  This season though, Wimbledon are so high up the league they may well be suffering from nose bleeds.  Eleventh!  Heady stuff.  Draw?  Possibly.

Arbroath vs Airdrieonians – Away – 23/10

And finally Esther The Grambler has predicted that Airdrieonians…Airdrie United…No, Airdrieonians right enough (I wish they would make their minds up!) will travel to Gayfield Park to play the Red Lichties and return home with three points.  It is possible.  Both sides have been pretty evenly matched this season – Arbroath are just one point ahead of the Diamonds having won three games and losing five.  Airdrie have only lost three games but sit lower because they have only won two and drawn two.  What can I tell you about these two?  Airdrie have this year gone in the record books for fielding the youngest ever player in a British senior league game when on the 27th of April 14 year old Jordan Allan donned the smallest jersey in the Airdrieonians shop.  Lucky it was a Saturday game and not a midweek game starting at 7.45 then.*  Arbroath are also in the record books and theirs is a world record. Woo!  They hold the record for the biggest winning score in world football!  36 nil!  Wow, do I hear you say?  Doubt it, since this famous victory took place in 1885 against a team called Bon Accord.  Pity poor old Dundee Harp (that is a football team, by the way, not Dougie’s favourite cheap lager – showing my age now) who beat Aberdeen Rovers on the very same day – 35 nil!  Bugger!  Anyway, that was then.  Arbroath are not quite such a force in Scottish football.  However, I would have thought, given the home advantage, they could beat Airdrie.  But – The Grambler says no.

Motherwell Link (well, sort of) – Lee Erwin, a forward for Arbroath is on loan from Motherwell.  Does that count?

 

What do you reckon?  Not a chance I’d say.  You only have to look at the odds of Crewe against Preston and you can understand my misgivings.  I don’t even hold out much hope for the doubles.  It’s up to you.  Do you place a bet and risk losing?  If all predictions are correct (there’s that flying pig again!) you have got odds on the accumulator of…Fanfare, please…948/1.  The odds on the cowardy doubles are…Again please…172/1.

 

All very tempting.  Of course, you could take the really cowardly option and don’t even place a bet.  Just put whatever you were planning to bet (plus whatever you were going spend on booze) straight into The Grambler’s ‘Kick Cancer’s Arse’ Fund.  See link above.

 

Happy grambling.  And don’t forget to tell all your mates to read this, and get them to tell all their mates, and get their mates to…etc. etc. ad infinitum.

 

*Past his bedtime, see.

 

 

Week 5 results - So near yet so fah me re doh

The simple answer to the question posed at the beginning of Saturday’s predictions is no.  True, my cowardy bet did give me a winner.  One double came up thus rewarding me with 99 of your British pennies. Woo bloody hoo.  Since the bet costs £2.20 it’s not exactly a positive outcome.  But, I refuse to lose faith in The Grambler and will still be stupid enough to place a bet next week.

Now, before I give this week’s results, I will explain a few things for those of you who aren’t really into gambling, but still want to help the cause by donating to The Grambler’s ‘Kick Cancer’s Arse’ Fund.

 Firstly, let me explain my own way of putting money into it.  I have a bet on The Grambler’s predictions each week.  Each week’s bet costs a mere £2.20.  If it wins more than £2.20 all the money (including the stake) goes to the fund.  If the winnings are zero or (as in this week’s case) less than £2.20, I still put £2.20 into the fund.  Basically, I put the stake money in no matter what.  The Bobby Moore Fund wins even when I lose, if you like (even if you don’t like – it’s no skin off my nose).  That seems quite simple to me.  And if I can understand it, it must be simple.

Okay, what if you can’t be bothered with all that betting and stuff and just want to help kick cancer’s arse – and, let’s face it, who doesn’t – well the simplest way is to go to http://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 and select donate and... well… donate.  By the way, it looks a bit confusing lately because Geraldine’s pal and her family are currently adding sums of money to the fund so you might think you are giving to the wrong justgiving page.  You’re not though, there is Stewart in his Scotland top looking pensive (Stewart, not the Scotland top).

Right.  Clear?  Good.  Let’s find out what happened to The Grambler’s predictions on Saturday.

First up Huddersfield vs Watford which The Grambler predicted would be a home win for Huddersfield.  I, in my notes, suggested that this was… mmm… unlikely.  However, after what Aston Villa did to Man City last week (and West Ham did to Spurs today – Wow!) I went along with the bet (despite thinking The Grambler was bonkers in the nut).  As it turned out The Grambler got it wrong.  Although, it looked promising – Huddersfield took the lead after 17 minutes (Ward) and hung on to it for oooh… almost a minute when Watford’s Forestieri equalised.  Watford took the lead just before half time when they were awarded a free kick.  That was dealt with by goalkeeper Smithies who parried the ball straight to Pudil who simply lobbed it back over his head.  Watford manager Zola Budd said he ‘wassa pleaseda weetha the teamsa performancea’.  Incidentally, so far this season Watford have 22 goals (the best in the Championship) scored by 10 different players!

Next up The Grambler picked Port Vale vs Bristol City as an away win.  In my notes I suggested that The Grambler had bollocksed it up again; and so it proved to be.  No, I am being unfair because until the 90th minute it looked as if The Grambler had called it right.  The Robins took the lead in the 55th minute when Wagtail..sorry Wagstaff..I’ve got birds on the brain… hit the top corner from 15 yards.  However, they were denied all three points (and The Grambler denied a ‘hit’) when Hughes picked up a slack back pass and easily rounded the keeper to tap in.  Do you realise what you have done?  Yes you, Lee Hughes.  By your selfish greed you have denied the Bobby Moore Fund a decent pay-back this week!  Well, I hope you are pleased with yourself!  What the hell are you doing playing football at your age, anyway?  You’re 37 for goodness sake! You should be taking the wife to Ikea on a Saturday afternoon instead of spoiling the dreams of hundreds (well 7) Grambler followers by kicking footballs about!  Shame on you, you, you…old person!

Ahem.  Sorry about that.  Next we headed to Devon for a Devon derby in which Exeter beat Plymouth Argyle as predicted by The Grambler.  The Grecians took the lead on 56 minutes when Davies slotted in from an Alan Gow (Yay!) pass.  Argyle equalised on 69 from a Luke Young free kick.  It looked to be heading for a draw until the 83rd minute when Alan Gow (Yay!) put the Grecian 2000s ahead.  ‘Alan’ Bennett sealed the win on 90 minutes with a third goal for the home side. Exeter manager Paul Tisdale was very proud of his players and very pleased with the win telling the BBC, ‘I’m very proud of my players and very pleased with the win,’ before heading home for some scones with clotted cream and jam.

The fourth match chosen by The Grambler was Portsmouth vs Rochdale.  For this game The Grambler predicted that Portsmouth – you know, the club that is dropping down the league faster than I don’t know what – were going to beat Rochdale.  You know, Portsmouth sitting at 17th in the table to beat Rochdale sitting 5th.  You know, Rochdale who had won their previous four games.  To be beaten by Portsmouth who could only boast two wins out of nine played.  Honestly!  How ridiculous!  There is absolutely no way a team like Portsmouth is going to beat a team like Roch…Oh they did?  Well I never.  Three nil too?  Good heavens.  What’s that you say?  A police helicopter flew over the ground?  So pigs do fly after all.

And finally Esther Stenhousemuir vs East Fife was The Grambler’s fifth prediction.  And what was the prediction?  That East Fife, who are a bit…well…crap, would beat the mighty Stenhousemuir.  Ha ha ha!  When was the last time East Fife so much as took a point off Stenny?  Oh.  So they drew, did they? Yep.  I thought The Grambler had called it totally wrong.  To be fair he/she/it did, but it wasn’t the complete opposite that I imagined it would be.  Stenny nearly took the lead within 4 minutes when Darren Smith (Yay!) hit the post (Boo!).  They did indeed take the lead on 23 minutes when Darren Smith (Yay!) was brought down in the box by goalkeeper Greg Paterson (Boo!) [This is turning into a bloody pantomime – Ed] and John Gemmell scored from the spot. However, just before half time East Fife’s Craig Johnstone netted from a Pat Clarke cross to earn that point.  So, before the game East Fife were sitting in seventh in the league; where has that point taken them?  Sadly, down to tenth (ie. bottom!).  Unfortunately for East Fife, Stranraer, Airdrieonians and Forfar – the three teams previously below them – all won their games and swiftly overtook them.  Ahh.

So, as I mentioned earlier, The Grambler was right with only two of the five predictions.  Not a good week’s predicting , but I am sure you will agree, ‘we was robbed’ – two of the other results could so easily have gone The Grambler’s way.  I am still confident that one day, The Grambler will get it spot on and when that happens, I will be kicking myself that I have only put 20 pence on for the accumulator!

 

Week 5 - Can The Grambler do it two weeks running?

Okay let's start with a question - what is the point of Will Gompertz? You know the bloke - the BBC arse correspondent who looks like Coco the clown. He is wheeled out every few days to give some author/actor/director (delete as applicable) some free publicity for some new book/play/film (delete as applicable).  Now, I always thought the BBC, being funded by public subscription (i.e. licence fee), was not allowed to advertise. Is the BBC getting paid by these random luvvies to advertise their wares? I doubt it. Would it matter to any of us, the public, if these suspect products were not publicised? Course it wouldn't. Free bloody advertising that's all it is! So I repeat - what is the point of Will bloody Gompertz????  Ahem…Discuss.

Right. I feel better for that. Let's get down to some serious grambling.

 

If you remember, last week that well known crooner Gnat King Kong began our predictions with a little toon.  This week we have the popular beat combo Led Zeppelin with their rendition of a song called Gramble On. Led Zeppelin are ‘led’ by (geddit?) Robert Pants.  Apparently, he had a solo career once and had a hit called ‘Big Log’.  Not often a faeces-centred topic provides the subject matter or indeed faecal matter for a song. Quite apt really; this being a blog which aims to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  Anyway, take it away Robert…

 

‘I keep a-gramblin' baby/ Ah, ah, yeah
I keep a-gramblin', baby/I keep, keep, keep, keep, keep
Babe, babe, babe, babe/
I keep a-gramblin', baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
My, my babe
Bay-ya-by/A-goodbye, goodbye, a-goodbye, baby
Well, something's wrong.’

 

You’re telling me something’s wrong.  Who booked them?  That’s gibberish that is.  I could talk gibberish like that (Don’t we know it – Ed.).  You don’t need to book some has-been wedding band for rubbish like that!  This is susposed to be an serious blog about the dangers of bowel cancer and you get this idiot…what’s his name?  Rubber Plant?  What kind of a name is that for heaven’s sake? You get this idiot singing …Singing? Screaming more like!  Sounds as if he’s in pain!  Etc. etc. ad infinitum.

 

Let us gramble…

 

As per normal we begin with a five game accumulator.  All games will take place on Saturday the 5th of October.

 

Game – Result – Odds

 

Huddersfield vs Watford – Home – 21/10

 

First off, we head to the John Smith’s Stadium where the Terriers play host to the Hornets - who are also known by the nicknames the Golden Boys, the Yellow Army or the ‘Oms – which all sound a bit…well…a bit... best just stick to the Hornets lads.  I’ve got a question for you Watford – Why on earth have you got all those nicknames when there’s a sodding great moose on your emblem?  I’m just asking.

So what has The Grambler predicted?  Oh no.  Here we go again; The Grambler, in his/her/its wisdom, has predicted that Huddersfield who finished 19th last season will beat Watford who finished 3rd.  The fact that Watford won both encounters last season or that Watford currently sit five places above Huddersfield doesn’t seem to have been taken into consideration.  We’ll see.  That’s all I’m saying.  We’ll see.

 

But now…Ladeez and Gentlemen, will you please welcome this week’s cracker of a name!  Yes, it’s Watford’s Nyron Nosworthy!  Isn’t that brill?  Sadly, the big defender is out injured just now but if you want to hear him singing click on his name.  You will smile I am sure. 

 

Port Vale vs Bristol City – Away – 13/8

That was fun.  Right, game number two as predicted by The Grambler is at Vale Park where the Valiants play host to the Robins.  What can I say about this encounter?  Not a lot as there isn’t much to go on.  As Port Vale were promoted from the 2nd (4th) division at the end of last season and Bristol City were relegated from the Championship (or division 2 as it might more sensibly be called.  Don’t get me started.) it is not possible to really compare the sides as they haven’t played against each other since 2006.  With Port Vale in 11th position and Bristol City being 19th it might be fair to say that The Grambler has bollocksed it up again.

Motherwell link: City midfielder Stephen Pearson began his career at Motherwell.  His career went downhill from then on when he joined Celtic.

 

Exeter vs Plymouth Argyle – Home – 23/20

For The Grambler’s third prediction we head to St James Park in Exeter where the Grecians (the what!) play host to the Pilgrims (that at least makes some sense).  The past few encounters between these two teams have been pretty even.  In the past four games two were drawn and one game each won.  Exeter finished last season in 10th spot and have made the better start this season and currently are in sixth place.  Argyle on the other hand finished last season in a lowly 21st and, although this season is going reasonably well, they are still down in 11th spot some seven points behind Exeter.  So, on laptop (ha ha, you’re not catching me out this week) it would seem that The Grambler has called it right with a home win for Exeter.

Motherwell link: Alan Gow, who plays as a forward or an attacking midfielder for Exeter, used to play for Motherwell – the ninth of the 12 clubs he has played for so far.

 

Portsmouth vs Rochdale – Home – 13/10

The fourth game as chosen by The Grambler is…Oh no! He/she/it’s picked Portsmouth to win!  We had them two weeks ago and they couldn’t even give us a draw (granted, it was against Fleetwood who are a zillion places higher in the league).  Well, maybe Rochdale are different.  Oh no! They are also a zillion places higher up the league!

I did say that if Portsmouth didn’t start winning a few games they would end up in the Conference League.  Maybe, just maybe, this will be the week when they start to turn things around.  Yes, maybe Rochdale are having a bad run.  Nope.  Won their last four.  Well, you know, maybe they will slip up this week. Yes, that’s it.  Oh look…a pig flying!

Motherwell link: Portsmouth right back, Yassim Moutaoukil was on loan to Motherwell in season 2009-10.  The fans loved him, not least because they could sing the theme from the James Bond ‘A View to a Kill’!

 

Stenhousemuir vs East Fife – Away – 10/3

And finally Esther The Grambler takes us to Ochilview Park where the Warriors (or Stenny if you prefer) take on the Fifers (must have taken ages to come up with that one!).  Stenny are currently in 3rd place in the table and the Fifers are in 7th.  Sounds close until you realise there are only ten teams in that league!  That’s Scottish Division 1 (Here we go again - it's Division 3).  And when you realise that in their last three encounters Stenny have been the victors, you will agree that The Grambler looks to have got it woefully wrong again.

Motherwell link: Stenhousemuir manager, Martyn Corrigan played in defence for Motherwell from 2000-08. He made 243 appearances and was known by the fans as the Kaiser (cue for a song – Kaisera sera, whatever will be will be).  Stenhousemuir’s Darren Smith also played for Motherwell from 2004-10.  He was one the youngest players ever to get a game being only 16 (cue for another song) when he made his first team debut.

 

And there, ladeez and gennulum, you have it – five games which – if The Grambler has got it spot on (doubt it though) will, as a five game accumulator earn you…roll on the drums…Ouch, I’ve fallen off.  Last time I roll on drums…174/1

But wait, there’s more.  You don’t think I am daft enough (I do – Ed) to just go and do an all-or-nothing bet.  No, I am far too cowardly for that so, as per usual, there is the ‘doubles’ bet.  That means that if any two games come up there is some money back to put in the fund.  If, by some good fortune, all five predictions are bang on, we also get odds of….82/1

So, my gramble of eleven 20p bets (woo hoo, last of the big spenders – Ed) if they all came up would give the fund a whopping £51.45

Don’t hold your collective breath though – remember Portsmouth and East Fife.

 

And to finish, remember that you can contact The Grambler  thegrambler@hotmail.co.uk should you ever feel the need to.