Wednesday 2 October 2013

Week 5 - Can The Grambler do it two weeks running?

Okay let's start with a question - what is the point of Will Gompertz? You know the bloke - the BBC arse correspondent who looks like Coco the clown. He is wheeled out every few days to give some author/actor/director (delete as applicable) some free publicity for some new book/play/film (delete as applicable).  Now, I always thought the BBC, being funded by public subscription (i.e. licence fee), was not allowed to advertise. Is the BBC getting paid by these random luvvies to advertise their wares? I doubt it. Would it matter to any of us, the public, if these suspect products were not publicised? Course it wouldn't. Free bloody advertising that's all it is! So I repeat - what is the point of Will bloody Gompertz????  Ahem…Discuss.

Right. I feel better for that. Let's get down to some serious grambling.


If you remember, last week that well known crooner Gnat King Kong began our predictions with a little toon.  This week we have the popular beat combo Led Zeppelin with their rendition of a song called Gramble On. Led Zeppelin are ‘led’ by (geddit?) Robert Pants.  Apparently, he had a solo career once and had a hit called ‘Big Log’.  Not often a faeces-centred topic provides the subject matter or indeed faecal matter for a song. Quite apt really; this being a blog which aims to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  Anyway, take it away Robert…


‘I keep a-gramblin' baby/ Ah, ah, yeah
I keep a-gramblin', baby/I keep, keep, keep, keep, keep
Babe, babe, babe, babe/
I keep a-gramblin', baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
My, my babe
Bay-ya-by/A-goodbye, goodbye, a-goodbye, baby
Well, something's wrong.’


You’re telling me something’s wrong.  Who booked them?  That’s gibberish that is.  I could talk gibberish like that (Don’t we know it – Ed.).  You don’t need to book some has-been wedding band for rubbish like that!  This is susposed to be an serious blog about the dangers of bowel cancer and you get this idiot…what’s his name?  Rubber Plant?  What kind of a name is that for heaven’s sake? You get this idiot singing …Singing? Screaming more like!  Sounds as if he’s in pain!  Etc. etc. ad infinitum.


Let us gramble…


As per normal we begin with a five game accumulator.  All games will take place on Saturday the 5th of October.


Game – Result – Odds


Huddersfield vs Watford – Home – 21/10


First off, we head to the John Smith’s Stadium where the Terriers play host to the Hornets - who are also known by the nicknames the Golden Boys, the Yellow Army or the ‘Oms – which all sound a bit…well…a bit... best just stick to the Hornets lads.  I’ve got a question for you Watford – Why on earth have you got all those nicknames when there’s a sodding great moose on your emblem?  I’m just asking.

So what has The Grambler predicted?  Oh no.  Here we go again; The Grambler, in his/her/its wisdom, has predicted that Huddersfield who finished 19th last season will beat Watford who finished 3rd.  The fact that Watford won both encounters last season or that Watford currently sit five places above Huddersfield doesn’t seem to have been taken into consideration.  We’ll see.  That’s all I’m saying.  We’ll see.


But now…Ladeez and Gentlemen, will you please welcome this week’s cracker of a name!  Yes, it’s Watford’s Nyron Nosworthy!  Isn’t that brill?  Sadly, the big defender is out injured just now but if you want to hear him singing click on his name.  You will smile I am sure. 


Port Vale vs Bristol City – Away – 13/8

That was fun.  Right, game number two as predicted by The Grambler is at Vale Park where the Valiants play host to the Robins.  What can I say about this encounter?  Not a lot as there isn’t much to go on.  As Port Vale were promoted from the 2nd (4th) division at the end of last season and Bristol City were relegated from the Championship (or division 2 as it might more sensibly be called.  Don’t get me started.) it is not possible to really compare the sides as they haven’t played against each other since 2006.  With Port Vale in 11th position and Bristol City being 19th it might be fair to say that The Grambler has bollocksed it up again.

Motherwell link: City midfielder Stephen Pearson began his career at Motherwell.  His career went downhill from then on when he joined Celtic.


Exeter vs Plymouth Argyle – Home – 23/20

For The Grambler’s third prediction we head to St James Park in Exeter where the Grecians (the what!) play host to the Pilgrims (that at least makes some sense).  The past few encounters between these two teams have been pretty even.  In the past four games two were drawn and one game each won.  Exeter finished last season in 10th spot and have made the better start this season and currently are in sixth place.  Argyle on the other hand finished last season in a lowly 21st and, although this season is going reasonably well, they are still down in 11th spot some seven points behind Exeter.  So, on laptop (ha ha, you’re not catching me out this week) it would seem that The Grambler has called it right with a home win for Exeter.

Motherwell link: Alan Gow, who plays as a forward or an attacking midfielder for Exeter, used to play for Motherwell – the ninth of the 12 clubs he has played for so far.


Portsmouth vs Rochdale – Home – 13/10

The fourth game as chosen by The Grambler is…Oh no! He/she/it’s picked Portsmouth to win!  We had them two weeks ago and they couldn’t even give us a draw (granted, it was against Fleetwood who are a zillion places higher in the league).  Well, maybe Rochdale are different.  Oh no! They are also a zillion places higher up the league!

I did say that if Portsmouth didn’t start winning a few games they would end up in the Conference League.  Maybe, just maybe, this will be the week when they start to turn things around.  Yes, maybe Rochdale are having a bad run.  Nope.  Won their last four.  Well, you know, maybe they will slip up this week. Yes, that’s it.  Oh look…a pig flying!

Motherwell link: Portsmouth right back, Yassim Moutaoukil was on loan to Motherwell in season 2009-10.  The fans loved him, not least because they could sing the theme from the James Bond ‘A View to a Kill’!


Stenhousemuir vs East Fife – Away – 10/3

And finally Esther The Grambler takes us to Ochilview Park where the Warriors (or Stenny if you prefer) take on the Fifers (must have taken ages to come up with that one!).  Stenny are currently in 3rd place in the table and the Fifers are in 7th.  Sounds close until you realise there are only ten teams in that league!  That’s Scottish Division 1 (Here we go again - it's Division 3).  And when you realise that in their last three encounters Stenny have been the victors, you will agree that The Grambler looks to have got it woefully wrong again.

Motherwell link: Stenhousemuir manager, Martyn Corrigan played in defence for Motherwell from 2000-08. He made 243 appearances and was known by the fans as the Kaiser (cue for a song – Kaisera sera, whatever will be will be).  Stenhousemuir’s Darren Smith also played for Motherwell from 2004-10.  He was one the youngest players ever to get a game being only 16 (cue for another song) when he made his first team debut.


And there, ladeez and gennulum, you have it – five games which – if The Grambler has got it spot on (doubt it though) will, as a five game accumulator earn you…roll on the drums…Ouch, I’ve fallen off.  Last time I roll on drums…174/1

But wait, there’s more.  You don’t think I am daft enough (I do – Ed) to just go and do an all-or-nothing bet.  No, I am far too cowardly for that so, as per usual, there is the ‘doubles’ bet.  That means that if any two games come up there is some money back to put in the fund.  If, by some good fortune, all five predictions are bang on, we also get odds of….82/1

So, my gramble of eleven 20p bets (woo hoo, last of the big spenders – Ed) if they all came up would give the fund a whopping £51.45

Don’t hold your collective breath though – remember Portsmouth and East Fife.
And to finish, remember that you can contact The Grambler should you ever feel the need to.

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