Post 469 - Up and grambling again

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story time...

Fupei Auhx Swoq Bannt Ugee Rendon Rengu Annadue Bewinner Pusokei Pritom Xinyangch Zunate Axoc Goshyda Heepdd Fockety Padgene Gloglow Yingd Nunz Yctze Nicewise Beneve Iweggo Mavis Laven Garsentx Ccylex Ashata Fuwe Rysh Veidoo Dpofirs Elprico Aumoo Sogt Kufoo Laihua Eatc Daym Rongm Feaw Zoega Aocwei Asixxsix Buhb Zerodis Cuifati Luqeeg Ciciglow Srdh Betued.

You may be wondering what the flip is going on. What strange language is this? Klingon? Vogon?

Let me attempt to explain. Before Christmas Mrs G intimated that, if Santa knew what was good for him, she would be presented with a brand spanking new tablet on Christmas morning, the old one long since having given up the ghost.

So, not wanting old Santa to suffer in any way, I immediately paid a visit to my favourite online store, Azamon.

I was looking for a well-known brand, Singsong, Azuz, Snoey (Close enough to not upset any lawyers?), that sort of thing.

However, instead of finding any known brands, I was offered any number of pseudo-brands; each word you saw at the start supposedly being a brand of tablet. Hmm... it looks to me as if somebody has got a bag of scrabble letters and simply grabbed a handful to rearrange into anything that might be considered a word... well, a collection of letters, anyway.

Each of these relatively cheap products was priced pretty much the same as all the others and, more often than not, it was accompanied by the same photograph as well as similar text.

Just what is going on? Surely, it is obvious to anyone that these names are just meaningless and every product's manufacturer name is simply made up. Although, I could be wrong and they are genuine... and the products may be of the highest quality... but I still reckon they are made up.

I wouldn't be sucked into buying any of these and I would like to think that most people who see these products listed would be smart enough to think the same way. The only way anyone might be tempted would be because of price alone.

However, I worry about just what you might receive if you did purchase one of these brands of tablet. Something a bit like this, probably.

You bought this? You Swoq Fockety Elprico!

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 14th of January? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Hugh Lofting 1886 - Orfer. Dr. Dolittle, that was one of his.

Wilfrid Lawson 1900 - Ectaw dear leddie. Alfred Doolittle in Pygmalion (1938)

Cecil Beaton 1904 - Fashion, portrait and war photographer, diarist, painter, and interior designer, and stage and costume designer for films and the theatre. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Incidentally, he won a Noscar for the costumes he designed for My Fair Lady (1964)... which just happened to be based on Pygmalion.

Warren Mitchell 1926 - Actor. A jobbing actor (190 IMDb credits) who hit comedy gold in 1965 with his portrayal of Alf Garnett in 1965’s Till Death Us Do Part which was trialled by the Beeb Beeb Ceeb as part of its Comedy Playhouse series of sitcom pilot shows. After being commissioned it ran for seven series, spawned a film and several follow-ups including In Sickness and in Health. As far as I’m aware, he had no connection with My Fair Lady.

Peter Barkworth 1929 - Another actor. [It’s full of luvvies this week, isn’t it? - Ed.] Played Mark Telford in Telford’s Change.

Richard Briers 1934 - Another luvvie, sorry, actor. Starred in dozens of things, but is probably best remembered as Tom Good in The Good Life.

Trevor Nunn 1940 - Luvvie director. He even directed a stage version of My Fair Lady.

John Castle 1940 - Jobbing luvvie. Teddy Lloyd in The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie. The Geraldine McEwan one from 1978, not the Maggie Smith one.

Jocky Scott 1948 - Yay! A fitba guy, no’ a luvvie.

Tim Harris 1948 - A Foundation. To explain: he was the drummer for the Foundations. Time for our first clip. Let’s head back to those bad, bad old days.

Suzanne Danielle 1957 - Luvvie. In the 1980s, she was said to have ‘the monopoly on attractive, promiscuous, good-time girls’. Played Emmannuelle Prevert in Carry On Emmannuelle (1978). Married to golfer, Sam Torrance.

Shall we play a round? Ooer, missus.

Adjoa Andoh 1963 - Luvvie. Lady Agatha Danbury in Bridgerton.

Mark Addy 1965 - Luvvie. Andy in Trollied.

Jemma Redgrave 1965 - Third generation luvvie. Bernie Wolfe in Holby City.

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall 1965 - TV chef, don’tcha know.

Emily Watson 1967 - Luvvie. Marmee March in Little Women (2017).

Jack P. Shepherd 1988 - Northern luvvie. Dehhhvid Platt in Coronation Street.

Frankie Bridge 1989 - Singer. Part of Sclub 8 and then a Saturday. Here they all seem to be missing you.

Adam Clayton 1989 - Footy bloke.

Wes Foderingham 1991 - Footy bloke.

Ross Murdoch 1994 - Swimmy guy.

Declan Rice 1999 - Footy bloke.

 

Okay, let’s move on to the 21st of January. Any famous/notorious types born on that date?

John Bodkin Adams 1899 - Fraudster doc. 163 patients of his died while in comas. 132 of his patients left him money or items in their wills. He was never convicted of murder. Discuss.

Webster Booth 1902 - Tenner. I’m sorry I’ll type that again. Tenor. Here he is with regular singing partner Anne Ziegler with So Deep is the Night.

Oswald ‘O.S.’ Nock 1905 - Railway engineer and author of many railway-related books.

Lally Bowers 1914 - Another luvvie. Dolly Love in You’re Only Young Twice.

Eric ‘Winkle’ Brown 1919 - Test Pilot. [Let’s not surmise how he got his nickname. - Ed.]

Paul Scofield 1922 - Luvvie/ectaw, dear leddie. Sir Thomas More in A Man for All Seasons (1966).

Benny Hill 1924 - Comedian.

Joyce Windsor 1932 - Yet another luvvie. Ruby the cleaner in Butterflies.

Jim Unger 1937 - Cartoonist. Created the character of Herman.

John Savident 1938 - Loud-mouthed luvvie. Fred Elliott in Coronation Street, I say, Fred Elliott in Coronation Street. Fans of Corry will understand that.

Alan Glazier 1939 - Darty bloke. Known as ‘The Ton Machine’.

George Foulkes (I said Foulkes) 1942 - Politician.

Robin Sarstedt 1944 - Singer. Younger brother of Peter Sarstedt and Eden Kane. He had just one hit record, My Resistance is Low.

Chris Britton 1945 - A Trogg. Played guitar on this big hit, Wild Thing.

Martin Shaw 1945 - Action luvvie. Doyle (Or was it Bodie?) in The Professionals.

Pye Hastings 1947 - Musician. Member of Caravan since 1968, here’s a wee toon from them. Here is a lovely track from the album Cunning Stunts (I said cunning stunts.), The Show of Our Lives.

Leslie Charles 1950 - Who? Oh, Billy Ocean, the singer. Him. Have a clip, here’s Red Light Means Danger.

Phil Thompson 1954 - Footy bloke.

Ian McMillan 1956 - Poet. Known as ‘The Bard of Barnsley’.

Tim Marriott 1958 - Jobbing luvvie. Gavin in The Brittas Empire. Remember that?

Alex McLeish 1959 - Fitba guy.

Wendy James 1966 - Singer. Remembered as the singer with Transvisio Vamp. Have a clip. Here’s Baby I Don't Care.  Hang on a mo, that sounds a bit like this. Agree? Maybe not worth a court case, though.

Tony Hirst 1967 - Another northern luvvie. Paul Kershaw in Coronation Street.

Alan McManus 1971 - Snookery guy.

Jimi Mistry 1973 - Another blibbing luvvie. Tariq Khan in East is East (1999).

Nicky Butt 1975 - Footy bloke.

Emma Bunton 1976 - Singer. Had hits with the Spice Girls, but here’s her (to date) only solo number one, What Took You So Long.

Phil Neville 1977 - Footy bloke.

Wes Morgan 1984 - Footy bloke.

Ryan Prescott 1989 - Yet another northern luvvie. Ryan Connor in Coronation Street.

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter.

Dear Emma Grambleton,

Lovely to hear one of your solo songs. I recall you were in a band called The Spice Girls. Tell me, what was the band’s first single to reach number?

Yours respectfully,

Juan Abbey.

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

Nothing to report this week because Bet Froy six foive wouldn’t accept my money last time. Let’s see if they will accept my dosh this week. Yahhss! Woo hoo! We’re back in business...

Game - Result - Odds

Stoke vs Reading - Home win - 17/20

Derby vs Bolton - Home win - 19/20

Peterborough vs Charlton - Home win - 17/20

Crewe vs Stockport - Away win - 4/6

Newport vs AFC Wimbledon - Home win - 11/10

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£12.18

Normal service is resumed. [So we lose, do we? - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Birmingham in 1995. I began my senior career loaned out from Aston Villa to Notts County in 2013, returning to play first team football in 2014. In 2021, I became the most expensive English player ever when I transferred to Manchester City for £100 million.

Answer - Jack Grealish [So not really greal; just grealish. - Ed.]

2. Which footballer was given an honorary knighthood in 1997?

Answer - Pele.

3. Which club scored the most Premier League goals in 2022?

Answer - Manchester City (92)

4. ...and which club conceded the most?

Answer - Leeds United (72)

5. Ten F.A. Cup-winning sides have never played in the Premier League; which is the only one currently playing in the senior leagues?

Answer - Preston North End (The others were Blackburn Olympic, Bury, Clapham Rovers, Notts County, Old Carthusians, Old Etonians, Oxford University, Royal Engineers and Wanderers.)

Shall we have five for this week? Yes, let’s...

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1951 in Glasgow. A goalkeeper, I began my senior career at Partick Thistle in 1969, playing 631 games before transferring to Hibernian in 1982. I was capped for Scotland 53 times and appeared in two FIFA World Cup tournaments.

2. Back to the Premier League: which club drew the most games in 2022?

3. Which club has won the EFL Cup the most times?

4. Which Brazilian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

5. Which club plays at Galabank having the nickname the Galabankies?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at...

£67,151

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. Alfred Hawthorne who provides us with our final clip of the week. Who, I hear you ask. Why, it’s Benny Hill, I reply. Here is a live rendition of Benny’s number one hit Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West).  One of the better novelty songs, I think you'll agree.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Post 468 - Another non-gramble

 Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story time...

Happy random date on a calendar to you all. I hope you had a pleasant time throughout the festivities.

Well, here we are in 2023. We bid farewell to 2022 which was, let's face it, one pretty weird year. Three prime ministers? Or was it four? I lost count. Protesters chucking soup at paintings? Just stop oil? You want to stop wasting food, mate.

We also said farewell to one of the greatest footballers that ever lived. [George Cohen. - Ed.] No, not George Cohen. Edson Arantes do Nascimento aka Pele.

He was a terrific footballer. He scored 639 goals in 700 club appearances. That is some average. In his international career, he scored 77 goals in 92 appearances. Not quite as good, but still a pretty nifty average. With Argentina's Maradona, he was joint winner of FIFA's Player of the Century award.

Unfortunately, his career choices after hanging up his boots were a little bit odd. Who can forget the cinematic experience that was Escape to Victory? I know I can't. Unfortunately. He, and a few other retired footy blokes, Bobby Moore, Osvaldo Ardiles, Mike Summerbee, John Wark etc. appeared in it. Their skills as footballers were needed. Nobody ever seems able to make a decent film about football and, frankly, this was a stinker. The plot centred around a prisoner of war camp in WWII. The prisoners would escape by... that's right... playing a game of football. How that worked I can't remember. I know that even when I watched it over 40 years ago, I thought it was a ludicrous storyline. One factoid I heard about was that the star of the film, Sylvester Stallone was adamant that, as he was the film’s biggest name, he should be the one to score the winning goal. Fair enough. He’s the big star; why not. When he was told he couldn’t do that, he was far from happy. Unfortunately, his knowledge of the beautiful game was zero and he didn’t understand what was preventing him from scoring the winner. It had to be explained to him that he was playing the part of the goalkeeper. Mind you, it never stopped René Higuita. Rene Higuita ● El Loco ● Best Moments Ever - YouTube

Anyway, back to Pele. A later career move was equally odd. He appeared on an advertisement. Nothing unusual about, I hear you say. I agree. Nowadays, top footballers get lucrative deals to sponsor Pepsi or a top sportswear company. And who can blame them?

What did Pele get? Erectile disfunction.

R.I.P. Pele. Stiff at last.

Talking of football, did you watch the World Cup Final? Good, wasn't it?
This week's story is a short one, but it does concern that game.

I invited some people round to watch the match. To give a 'being there' feel to the game, we had pies and Bovril at half time. Anyone who lives outside the UK, or has never been to a match, probably won't understand the significance of us consuming such delicacies. It's a football tradition.

I could have gone the whole hog and made everyone stand throughout the match and made them go outside when they needed a pee, but that wouldn't have been too well received.

Any road up, two of my grandkids came along to watch the game. One of them decided to note down our predictions for the final score. Most of us said something like 2-1 to France or 2 nil to Argentina. Only one of us, my grandson Sam, considered the possibility of the game going to extra time, followed by penalties.

His prediction? See below.

We didn't have a bet on that outcome (he's only 13, I wouldn't encourage him to gamble), but just what kind of odds would a bookie have given for that happening?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 24th of December? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

John 1166 - A well-known king.

James Joule 1818 - Physicist. Invented energy. [Eh? - Ed.]

Nickolai Medtner 1879 - Composer

John Barron 1920 - Actor. C.J. in The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin.

Jimmy Clitheroe 1921 - Comedian, it says here.

Ava Gardner 1922 - Actress.

John Glashan 1927 - Cartoonist.

Norman Rossington 1928 - Actor.

Jill Bennett 1931 - Actress.

Colin Cowdrey 1932 - Crickety bloke.

Cynthia Payne 1932 - Madam.

Nicholas Fairbairn 1933 - Politician.

Michael Billington 1941 - Actor.

Peter Houseman 1945 - Footy bloke.

Ian Kilmister aka Lemmy 1945 - Musician. Frontman with Motörhead. Here’s a track called, appropriately enough, Motörhead

Stan Bowles 1948 - Footy bloke.

Ian Burden 1957 - Musician. Keyboard player and bassist with Human League between 1981 and 1987. A clip? Why not. Let’s take a trip to The Lebanon.

Keith Deller 1959 - Darty bloke.

Carol Vorderman 1960 - Person who can count.

Caroline Aherne 1963 - Comedienne and writer. Mrs Merton. Her.

Ed Milliband 1969 - Politician.

Paul Foot 1973 - Comedian.

Cass Fox 1982 - Singer/songwriter. Here she invites someone to touch her.

Louis Tomlinson 1991 - Singer, songwriter and footballer. Once part of One Direction but here’s a solo effort called Walls.

What about the 31st of December? Anyone famous-ish with a birthday on that date?

Ronald Adam 1896 - Jobbing actor. He often played official types such as politicians or judges. 192 credits on IMDb. However, his exploits in the two World Wars deserve a mention. In WWI he was a RFC then RAF officer and his plane was shot down by (possibly) Baron Manfred von Richthofen aka The Red Baron. During WWII he rejoined the RAF and, now a Wing Commander, his job was to dispatch British fighter aircraft to intercept any incoming enemy planes.

William ‘Bill’ Heynes 1904 - Motor engineer. As Technical Director at Jaguar Cars he was responsible for building the famous XK engine used on many Jaguars from 1948 onwards.

Jack Hargreaves 1911 - TV presenter. He was on How.

Cyril Stapleton 1914 - Musician and bandleader. Here’s a tune that got into the lower reaches of the UK charts, The Italian Theme

Daphne Oram 1925 - Musician. An early producer of electronic music. A clip? Here’s Bird of Parallax.

Peter May 1929 - Crickety bloke.

Michael Bonallack 1934 - Golfy bloke who remained strictly amateur.

Anthony Hopkins 1937 - Actor isn’t it. Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Llambs look you.

Johnny Leeze 1941 - Actor. Ned Glover in Emmerdale.

Sarah Miles 1941 - Actress. Rosy in Ryan’s Daughter.

Alex Ferguson 1941 - Fitba guy.

Andy Summers 1942 - Musician. Guitarist with The Polis. Here’s a wee toon you might recognise, Walking on The Moon.

Pete Quaife 1943 - Musician. Founding member of The Kinks. Have a clip. Here’s Al Day and Oliver Knight. Regular readers will recognise that title.

Ben Kingsley 1943 - Actor. Ghandi in... erm... Ghandi.

June Tabor 1947 - Singer. Here’s a song she recorded with Maddy Prior, The Grey Funnel Line.

Sandy Jardine 1948 - Fitba guy.

Alex Salmond 1954 - Politician, it says here.

Doug Naylor 1955 - Comedy writer. Red Dwarf. Him (and Rob Grant).

Paul Ross 1956 - Television and radio presenter.

Steve Bruce 1960 - Footy blurk laik.

Dominik Diamond 1969 - TV and radio personality.

Ben Ottewell 1976 - Musician. One time member of Gomez, but now solo. Here’s a toon of his called Rattlebag.

Malcolm Middleton 1973 - Musician. Part of duo known as Arab Strap, but also records solo material. Here’s a favourite of mine from way back when, his attempt to get a Christmas number one, We're All Going to Die. For some reason, it didn’t hit the top spot.

Matthew Hoggard 1976 - Crickety bloke.

Lee Ridley aka Lost Voice Guy 1980 - Comedian.

Craig Gordon 1982 - Fitba guy.

Daisy Lewis 1984 - Actress. Emma Bunting in Downton Abbey.

Jordan Banjo 1992 - Dancer. Part of Diversity.

Bradley Dack 1993 - Footy bloke.

Finally, what about the 7th of January? Anyone born on that date that I have heard of?

Arnold Ridley 1896 - Playwright and actor. Pte. Godfrey in Dad’s Army. Unlike his character in Dad’s Army Ridley was not a conscientious objector, but had fought in the trenches in WWI and was medically discharged in 1917 after being badly injured in close-quarter combat.

 

I wonder if I might be excused.

Al Bowlly 1898 - Singer. Here’s a rare piece of film from 1936 with Al singing Melancholy Baby.

Alan Napier 1903 - Actor. Alfred in Batman. The 1966-68 TV series.

Francis de Wolff 1913 - Actor. Spirit of Christmas Present in Scrooge, 1951 version.

Alastair Pilkington 1920 - Engineer and businessman. He invented the float glass process for commercial manufacture of plate glass.

Eric Jupp 1922 - Musician and composer. You may not recognise his name, but you might remember this composition of his. Join in with the chorus.

Geoffrey Bayldon 1924 - Actor. Catweazle in... erm... Catweazle.

Gerald Durrell 1925 - Naturalist, zookeeper, conservationist, author and television presenter. In fact, a right old smarty boots.

Hunter Davies 1936 - Author, journalist and broadcaster.

Ian La Frenais 1936 - Writer. With Dick Clement wrote some well-loved comedy classics such as The Likely Lads, Porridge and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

Mike McGear 1944 - Singer. Paul McCartney’s little brother. Had a few hits with Liverpool novelty act, The Scaffold. Here’s one that didn’t get to number one, Thank You Very Much.

Dave Cousins 1945 - Musician. Frontman of Strawbs since 1967. Have a clip. Here’s Benedictus.

Malcolm Macdonald 1950 - Footy bloke.

Helen Worth 1951 - Actress. Gail Potter/Tilsley/Platt/Hillman/McIntyre/Rodwell in Coronation Street from 1974 to present.

Alan Butcher 1954 - Crickety bloke.

Ian Mercer 1961 - Actor. Gary Mallett in Coronation Street.

Clint Mansell 1963 - Musician. Now a successful composer of film music, but he used to be the frontman of Pop Will Eat Itself. Have a clip. Here’s Can U Dig It.

Trevor Nelson 1964 - DJ.

Mark Jones aka Mark Lamarr 1967 - Comedian and DJ.

Nick Clegg 1967 - Politician.

Andy Burnham 1970 - Politician.

Lewis Hamilton 1985 - Racey car bloke.

Wayne Routledge 1985 - Footy bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter. How wonnnnderful...

Dear Andy Gramblers,

I am in the middle of gardening, but just had to put pen to paper to ask you a question which I have which I must ask you before I even clean myself up. It is this: what was the first number one single you had with your band, The Police?

Yours muddily,

(Messy) Gina Bottall.

P.S. Why were your videos always so crap?

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

Nothing to report this week because Bet Froy six foive wouldn’t accept my money last time. Let’s see if they will accept my dosh this week.

 

 

Nope.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Paris in 1998. A forward, I began my senior career at Monaco before moving to Paris Saint-Germain in 2017 for a fee of 180 million euros, making me the most expensive teenager to be transferred. I have played 65 games (and counting) for France and have scored 33 goals (and counting).

Answer - Kylian Mbappé (Now 36 goals and counting)

 2. Which Argentinian has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Pablo Zabaleta (303)

3. Which Frenchman has scored the most goals at World Cups?

Answer - Just Fontaine (13)

4. How many times have Argentina been runners up at the World Cup?

Answer - Twice (1990 and 2014)

5. Argentina last won the World Cup in 1986; who won the ‘Best Player of the Tournament’ award?

Answer - Diego Maradona

Shall we have five for this week? Yes, let’s...

1. Who am I?

I was born in Birmingham in 1995. I began my senior career loaned out from Aston Villa to Notts County in 2013, returning to play first team football in 2014. In 2021, I became the most expensive English player ever when I transferred to Manchester City for £100 million.

2. Which footballer was given an honorary knighthood in 1997?

3. Which club scored the most Premier League goals in 2022?

4. ...and which club conceded the most?

5. Ten F.A. Cup-winning sides have never played in the Premier League; which is the only one currently playing in the senior leagues?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at...

£67,001

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to Messrs. I. La Frenais and R. Clement who penned, to my mind, the greatest sitcom ever written: Porridge. This week, let’s end with a few lines from that show.

Fletcher [to Godber]: We could go out, you know... yeah, I could phone up a couple of them dolly birds that dance on Top of the Pops. What are they called? Pan's People. There's one special one - beautiful Babs. Dunno what her name is.

Fletcher: Lots of famous people have been illegitimate, you know. William the Conqueror.... Napper Wainwright....

McLaren: Who's Napper Wainwright?

Fletcher: He was a screw at Brixton. Mind you, he was a bastard.

Banyard: Unlike the rest of you, I'm not a common criminal.

Fletcher: Oh? I dunno if it's escaped your notice, but you are doing porridge, ain't you? And have been for 18 months now.

Banyard: Yes, you know what I mean, but I'm a professional man, a dentist. Consequently—

Fletcher: Now, just a minute. Let's just set the record straight, shall we? You was a dentist, right? It's been some time now since they struck you off their little list, innit, eh? After that regrettable incident with the laughing gas. I mean in your own mind you may not consider yourself a criminal, but to the ladies in question it was no laughing matter, was it?

Fletcher: [Talking about new prison warder Wainwright] Do you know what sorts of curtailments we've suffered? Shorter telly hours, no fraternisation in the exercise yard, and he's only removed our ping-pong table to put in your flamin' mess.

Barrowclough: Yeah, well, that's only until our billiard table is re-covered.

Fletcher: Oh yeah, yeah, well, yeah.

Barrowclough: Well, it was your fault it wanted re-covering.

Fletcher: Our fault?

Barrowclough: Well, some prisoner certainly tampered with it.

Fletcher: Can you prove that!?

Barrowclough: Well, we can surmise it. When Nosher Garrett went over the wall, he was picked up in Blackpool wearing a green baize suit.

And finally, a brilliant pay-off to a gag that had been set up over three full series...

[Blanco is just about to leave the prison on a pardon after wrongfully spending 20 years inside for the murder of his wife]

Fletcher: Here here, come here. [Blanco approaches] Listen, we all know that you didn't kill your old lady, see. Which means that some other bloke did. And you've paid the penance for it, right? But I don't want you going out there harbouring any thoughts of revenge, alright?

Blanco: No. I know 'im wot did it. It were the wife's lover. But don't worry, I shan't go round searching for him, 'e died years ago.

Fletcher: Well, that's alright then...

Blanco: That I do know. It were me that killed him!

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Post 467 - A Gramblemas memory

 Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story time...

Do you remember 'Five Boys' chocolate? [You must be incredibly old. - Ed.] You may recall the five faces were of a small boy in various states of emotion - Desperation, pacification, expectation, acclamation and realization (with a zed) it's Frys.

This week's edition covers all those emotions (probably) plus a few more... possibly including a few of the seven deadly sins.

What am I prattling on about, I hear you ask. I am talking about my first Christmas memory [Uh oh. Hovis time. - Ed.] Indeed. Cue harp strings and wobbly picture as I transport you back to a Christmas from long, long ago, some time in the last century where a three-year-old child (me) is opening his Christmas presents...

There I was sitting on the floor surrounded by all my Christmas goodies and working out what my favourite present was. Well, it turned out to be two presents, actually. I had been given two identical cars (I was already turning into a petrolhead) made of chocolate. Sorry pardon excuse me? Yep. Two gigantic (to a three-year-old anyway) chocolate cars wrapped in silver paper, which was coloured so that wheels, doors and windows were all realistic (to a three-year-old). What's not to like? (as the Americans might say) imagine it... a car I could play with and then eat. Not one, but two. Wow! I was one lucky three-year-old.

While I was brum brumming away with my chocolaty cars there was a knock at the door.

I was vaguely aware of the conversation from the hallway between my mum and Mrs Thickpenny (Yes that really was her name.)...

'Oh thank you. He will be pleased. Just a minute.'

My mother then came into the room where I was playing and, having a quick look around at my gifts, swiped one of my chocolate cars and whispered, 'It's for your friend Roger; I forgot to give him a present.'

Before I could say, sod Roger; he's not getting one of my chocolate cars, she was back at the front door lying through her teeth that she had bought this specially for Roger.

She came back into the room with a larger nose... I’d seen Pinocchio, I knew what happened if you told lies. She carried a parcel and tried hard to placate her inconsolable three-year-old nipper, not knowing that the tears were my way of expressing anger.

'I gave him the car because you had two (And your point is?) and I knew you wouldn't miss one. (What? I had two. One has gone. Of course I miss it.) You couldn't have eaten two. (I didn't get the chance to try, did I?)

She then presented me with the parcel which I probably said I didn't want, but, as with any three-year-old, curiosity got the better of me. The parcel was huge (to a small child), cylindrical and it rattled. Hmm... interesting. I opened it to reveal a gigantic (to a small child) tube of Maltesers. At least 10 times bigger than the wimpy tubes you get these days. Wow! It was even bigger than a pack of Pringles (to a small child). More like the canister a malt whisky bottle is presented in (Okay, I’m getting carried away now). Put it this way, it was big. I absolutely loved Maltesers to boot.

And I still had my chocolate car to eat. Yay! Win win!

So there you have it; my earliest Christmas memory of a greedy little bas... so and so who couldn't even spare a gift for his friend. I like to think of myself as being a bit more generous these days.

Just don't try and snaffle any chocolate off me. Especially if it's in the shape of a car.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 17th of December? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Humphry Davy 1778 - Chemist. Famous for his lump. I’m sorry, I’ll type that again, his lamp.

Herbert Beerbohm Tree 1852 - Ector, dear leddie. [Was his acting a bit wooden? Do you get it? A bit wooden. Tree. Oh, please yourselves. - Ed.]

Cyril Bird aka Fougasse 1887 - Cartoonist remembered for his wartime propaganda posters such as ‘Careless talk costs lives’.

Robertson Hare 1891 - Actor. The Archdeacon, The Venerable Henry Blunt in All Gas and Gaiters. Think of it as a less anarchic version of Father Ted... Maybe the Father Ted writers saw this and thought... wait a minute...

For the last time, I am not Father Jack

Ray Noble 1903 - Bandleader, writer, composer, arranger, radio comedian and actor. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Here’s his signature toon, The Very Thought of You.

Walter Greenwood 1903 - Novelist, best known for Love on the Dole.

Stephen Lewis 1926 - Actor. Inspector Cyril Blake in On the Buses. Factoid: Lewis was also a playwright and wrote Sparrers (or Sparrows) Can’t Sing.

Robert Robinson 1927 - TV presenter, game show host, journalist and orfer.

Jacqueline Hill 1929 - Actress. Lexa in Doctor Who.

Ray Wilson 1934 - Footy bloke.

Tommy Steele 1936 - Entertainer. Had a few hit records including this novelty song, Li uh wa boo.

Rosemary Martin 1936 - Actress. Mrs Bulstrode in Middlemarch.

David Harman aka Dave Dee 1941 - Singer. Frontman of Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich. A clip? Why not, here’s Hold Tight.

Christopher Cazenove 1943 - Actor. Ben Carrington in Dynasty.

Bernard Hill 1944 - Actor. Captain Smith in Titanic.

David Mallet 1945 - Music video director. You may not know his name, but he was a most prolific director of videos and concerts in the 1980s, 90s and beyond. Here’s a short video you might recognise, Games Without Frontiers.

Simon Bates 1946 - DJ.

Martin Smith 1946 - Drummer with Simon Dupree and the Big Sound and the follow-up band Gentle Giant. Let’s have a bit of prog, here’s Alucard.

Darryl Way 1948 - Musician. He has worked with several bands in his long career including (Joy of joys!) Jethro Tull. So here’s a track from them, with Way on violin, Acres Wild.

Fr*d T*lb*t 1949 - TV presenter and n*nc*.

Paul Rodgers 1949 - Singer. Here’s an early hit for his band, Free, All Right Now. [Yes, thanks. - Ed.]

Patrick Murray 1956 - Actor. Mickey Pearce in Only Fools and Horses.

Owen Brenman 1956 - Actor. Dr. Heston Carter in Doctors.

Hattie Hayridge 1959 - Comedian. Played Holly in Red Dwarf for a while.

Sara Dallin 1961 - Singer. A bit of Bananaramarana. Have a clip. Here’s one that reached number one in the U.S., Venus.

Ginger Wildheart 1964 - Musician. Frontman of The Wildhearts. Let’s have a clip. Here’s I Wanna Go Where The People Go.

Juliet Aubrey 1966 - Actress. Gloria Woodrow in The Constant Gardener.

Ian Kelsey 1966 - Actor. Howard Bellamy in Doctors. He’ll know Owen Brenman, then.

Mick Quinn 1969 - Musician. He was a founder member of Supergrass, so here’s a track from 1997, Richard III.

Desmond Askew 1972 - Actor. Richard in Grange Hill.

Paula Radcliffe 1973 - Runny bloke.

Andrew Lawrence 1979 - Comedian.

Simon Ramsden 1981 - Footy bloke. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Steven Frayne aka Dynamo 1982 - Magician.

Greg James 1985 - DJ.

Thomas Law 1992 - Actor. Peter Beale in Eastenders you slag!

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter. How sweet...

Dear (the late) Dave Grambledee,

I did enjoy your band Dave doo, Dopey, Bonky, Mac and Tosh. I know you had a number one with The Legend of Xanadu, later covered by ELO and Oliver, Newton and John, but did you ever have a record that nearly made number one but not quite? I seem to remember one that was a bit like Zorba the Greek.

Yours with kindest regards,

Ben Ditt.

[That is definitely number two material. - Ed.]

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare the last time we had a gramble? Erm... We won. Sort of. £1.50 back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on...

 

Middlesbrough vs Luton - Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Luton 1

Yay!

Matt Crooks' stoppage-time winner saw Middlesbrough beat 10-man Luton Town.

The game came to life when Jordan Clark fired in an impressive opener, but the lead lasted just five minutes as Chuba Akpom headed Boro level.

Tom Lockyer missed a great chance to put Luton in front just after half-time, before Akpom hit the angle of post and bar a few minutes later.

Luton had Amari'i Bell sent off for a second yellow card inside the final 20 minutes, and after a barrage of chances substitute Crooks volleyed home in the 92nd minute.

 

Millwall vs Wigan - Home win

Result - Millwall 1 Wigan 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Will Keane's low strike just after the 30-minute mark opened the scoring for Wigan, his eighth goal of the season.

Zian Flemming equalised seven minutes later with a storming volley from the edge of the box.

Danny McNamara saw a shot fly narrowly over the crossbar for Millwall and Keane also headed just over, as both sides tried in vain to find a winner through the second-half.

 

Exeter vs Sheffield Wed - Away win

Result - Exeter 1 Sheffield Wed 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Callum Paterson struck a stoppage-time equaliser to extend Sheffield Wednesday's unbeaten run to nine games with a draw at Exeter.

Wednesday started well with Josh Windass forcing Jamal Blackman into saving his early free-kick, while Exeter saw a Cheick Diabate header cleared off the line.

Mark McGuinness headed narrowly wide of the Exeter goal, while Tyreeq Bakinson - on as an early substitute for the injured Barry Bannan - fired just over the crossbar after a lovely Wednesday move.

The Grecians looked far sharper after the break and broke the deadlock in the 56th minute. Exeter wing-back Jake Caprice cut onto his right foot and let fly with a fine shot from 25 yards that flew across the face of goal and went under goalkeeper David Stockdale, who will feel he could have done better.

Jay Stansfield could have made it 2-0 in the 79th minute when Stockdale's awful pass went straight to him, but the goalkeeper redeemed himself with a good save.

Wednesday offered little as an attacking threat after the break but in stoppage time, Callum Paterson's curling, side-footed shot from 18 yards into the far corner earned the Owls a point.

 

Morecambe vs Charlton - Away win

Postponed

Boo!

Sutton vs Colchester - Home win

Result - Sutton 1 Colchester 0

Yay!

Colchester lost midfielder Alan Judge with a serious-looking leg injury and also finished with 10 men after Ossama Ashley was sent off early in the second half.

The visitors were the brighter of the two sides in the first half, with Junior Tchamadeu embarking on a fine run, but he could only fire wide of the mark.

At the other end, Kieran O'Hara produced a good save to deny Omar Bugiel.

The hosts were awarded a penalty by referee Peter Wright just before half-time when Craig Eastmond was fouled by Ashley in a goalmouth scramble.

However, due to the injury to Judge, who was hurt in the incident, Rob Milsom waited nearly 10 minutes before he hammered the spot-kick home.

Ashley was shown his second yellow card for hauling down Bugiel in full flight seven minutes into the second half.

O'Hara made a great save to keep out Ali Smith and also denied Eastmond and Harry Beautyman before Tom Dallison squandered a late chance to earn Colchester a draw when he fired over.

 

What about some predictions for this week? Well, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there are none. That’s not strictly true. The Grambler has made his/her/its predictions, but Mr. Bet-Free-Six-Foive (in my Ray Winstone voice) won’t accept the bet. Just think how much they are losing... There’s my £2.20 bet and all your £2.20 bets; that means they are losing in the region of... erm... well, £2.20 anyway.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Opole, Poland in 1978. A striker, I made 137 international appearances for Germany and hold the record as the highest scorer with 71 goals. I also hold the record for scoring the most goals at FIFA World Cup finals with 16.

Answer - Miroslav Klose

2. Who was the first player to be shown a red card at the 2022 FIFA World Cup finals.

Answer - Wayne Hennessey (Wales)

3. Which two players captained England the most times?

Answer - Billy Wright and Bobby Moore (90)

4. Who has won the most International caps for Spain?

Answer - Sergio Ramos (180 - in my darts presenter voice)

5. What is unusual about Qatar’s Stadium 947?

Answer - It was fully built from recycled shipping containers and the structure can be removed entirely after the World Cup. Presumably, it could then be rebuilt somewhere else.

 

What about five for this week? As I write this, I know that the World Cup final is between France and Argentina. So...

1. Who am I?

I was born in Paris in 1998. A forward, I began my senior career at Monaco before moving to Paris Saint-Germain in 2017 for a fee of 180 million euros, making me the most expensive teenager to be transferred. I have played 65 games (and counting) for France and have scored 33 goals (and counting).

2. Which Argentinian has made the most Premier League appearances?

3. Which Frenchman has scored the most goals at World Cups?

4. How many times have Argentina been runners up at the World Cup?

5. Argentina last won the World Cup in 1986; who won the ‘Best Player of the Tournament’ award?

 

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at...

£66,220

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. M. Barratt or Mr. S. Stevens for this week’s concluding item. Anyone who has stuck with the blog over the years knows that Stewart (the founder of this wonderful blog) had a particular favourite Christmas song and it is this... Merry Christmas Everyone. [Hear hear. - Ed.] That video still looks a bit dodgy, though.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.