Saturday, 11 October 2014

Week 10 - Grambling in a book shop


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

Stewart’s wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Whenever Mrs G wants to go shopping and drags me along, I tend to look for a place I can sit down and, well, avoid the actual shopping bit of going shopping.  Heading for an establishment that sells a decent cup of coffee and sitting down with my tablet and writing rubbish like this is one way of doing just that.  I can spend a happy hour or so wasting time in this way while Mrs G tries on a few items of attire and looks at handbags or shoes.  She’s happy.  I’m happy.  It is a system that works well.

Another way for me to pass the time is to head for a bookshop.  Sadly, there aren’t many bookshops left thanks to Anamoz.  There are a few discount bookshops left so these are places I tend to go to and it is one of these very establishments that has provided us with this week’s topic.  Book shops?  No.  Discount bookshops?  No.  It is what a discount bookshop sells.  [Books? – Ed.]  Yes, it is books.  I have a question – How do half of the titles ever get to the publishing stage?  Here is a series of three from the same ‘author’.  The first of the set is called How to Poo on Holiday.  I’m sorry?  What kind of warped mind came up with that as a subject for a book?  It gets worse.  Another in the series is How to Poo on a Date.  I am assuming that is referring to having a poo when you are on a date with somebody, rather than actually pooing on the somebody.  Obviously I can’t know because like any sane person I did not actually look at the book’s content; the title was enough to dissuade me.  The third book of the series got a little more racy and was titled How to Bonk in Public.  I should explain to any overseas readers or, indeed, anyone who doesn’t read the Sun (The Beano with tits) that the word ‘bonk’ is a word that Sun journalists (Did I just say journalists?  Ha ha ha ha ha!) use to describe the sexual act.  It is a word that doesn’t really get used anywhere else but the Sun newspaper.  It is like romp.  Only in the Sun do couples having a sexual liaison ‘romp’.  Sometimes more than two people take part; then it’s a ‘three in a bed romp’.  How do you romp, exactly?  Anyway, I digress.  Back to the plot…

I said I didn’t look inside the books to check what was there…Now, I know they say you can’t judge a book by its cover and I am willing to accept that this adage can often be true, but not this time.  The covers were illustrated by drawings of matchstick people demonstrating exactly what the titles had already said.  It was entirely possible that these books contained more of these badly-drawn pictures with precious little else to back them up.  I’m guessing, obviously.

It is not surprising that these three literary gems should be found in a clearance shop.  Even at the discounted price of 99 pees, they weren’t exactly flying off the shelf.  Perhaps nobody wanted to spend nearly a pound on this work of creative genius.  In the same way that no one was daft enough to spend six quid more than that when they first came out.

Okay, this prompts a few questions.  I have already asked what kind of mind came up with the, let’s not kid ourselves, rather suspect subject matter.  Had this man (I’m assuming it was a man) experienced some dreadful trauma that had made him want to write about such things?  Or was he somebody whose sense of humour had never progressed beyond that of a smutty schoolboy.  Probably the latter, but how would his peers react when he announced his aspirations to be a top-selling [? – Ed.] author…

‘Hey, I’m writing a book.’

‘Great.  What’s it about?’

‘Pooing on holiday.’

‘Er…right…’

‘And then I’m going to write one called How to Poo on a Date.’

‘What the…?’

‘And then I’m going to do one called How to Bonk in Public…. Hey, come back!’

Right, we have established that the books are written by a weirdo, but then said weirdo takes his tomes to a publisher who, instead of doing the right thing and calling the police says, ‘What a great idea!’ and buys this nutter’s work and prints off too many copies [One, surely. – Ed.] expecting this dross to be lapped up by punters with a wacky sense of humour.  The problem is, nobody’s sense of humour is that wacky, hence the vast pile of papery excrement in this discount shop.

Does anyone buy them?  I would wager that nobody would ever buy them to read themselves.  Maybe some misguided aunts/grannies would buy them as gifts for a nephew/grandson…‘Ooh look.  A book with a rude word in the title.  Poo, that’s rude.  What does bonk mean?  It’s perhaps rude too.  Yes.  There’s a rude picture on the cover.  That would be just right for our ….insert nephew/grandson name of your choice… He’s got a wacky sense of humour.’  Aunty/granny, as I have already said…

As a footnote to this week’s topic I went online to see if Anomoz sold these books.  They do and it transpires there are even more titles out there.  One is entitled How to Poo at Work.  However, that isn’t why I added this bit.  No.  It is more about how you search for items on Anamoz.  A drop-down screen invites you to search by department – in this case, ‘Books’ – or you can search all departments.  Thus, the first line on the drop-down screen for this particular book reads ‘How to Poo at Work in all departments’.  I thought that was funny, or is that just my smutty schoolboy sense of humour?

This week the most watched television programme has been about Morecambe Bay, the biggest in the north of England, and how the inhabitants of that area have been struck down with fits of coughing.  I believe it was called The Great British Bay Cough.  Okay, that’s my idea of a joke.  Mind you, it would have made a more interesting programme than watching someone bake a cake.  Jeez!  And they say the British Broadcorping Casteration produces quality programmes.

Any birthdays of note on this lovely 11th of October?  Yes indeedy.  Eleanor Roosevelt 1884 (Frank’s wife), Fred Trump 1905 (Donald’s dad), Art Blakey 1919 (Reg Varney’s dad), Elmore Leonard 1925 (Leonard Rossiter’s dad), Bobby Charlton 1937 (Jack’s brother), Maria Beuno 1939 (Dennis the Menace’s mum), Rodney Marsh 1944 (Stan Bowles’ wife), Dawn French 1957 (Asterix the Gaul’s lass), Neil Buchanan 1961 (inventor of the bus station) and Steven Pressley 1973 (Scottish footballer) were all born on this day.  Unfortunately, none of them gave us any hits worth gramblerising.  Art Blakey perhaps drummed along to a few.  Hold on a mo!  Someone’s missing.  Daryl Franklyn Hohl – that’s Daryl Hall to you and me - was born on October the 11th 1948 making him clickety click.  He had a few hits with his partner John Oates – his musical partner.  Stop sniggering at the back.  Yes, I know they wore a lot of makeup and looked a bit… lots of people wore make up – Boy George, Pete Burns – it doesn’t mean that they were, well, you know.  Any road up, here’s one of their hits suitably gramblerised.

But he said, "Leave me alone, I'm a grambling man
And my bark is much worse than my bite"
He said, "Leave me alone, I'm a grambling man
If you gramble too far I just might"

Right onto grambling matters.  What happened last week?  How much did the bet win?

F*** all

Yes, for the second time this season we have lost all of the 220 pees bet on the games as predicted by The Grambler.  How did that happen?

Leicester vs Burnley – Prediction Home win

Result – Leicester 2 Burnley 2

Awww!  Hit the bar!

Substitute Ross Wallace scored a stoppage-time equaliser at Leicester to lift Burnley off the bottom of the Premier League.

Ghana international Jeffrey Schlupp put the Foxes ahead with a right-foot finish after Riyad Mahrez's cross.

Burnley ended a run of five league games without a goal when Michael Kightly equalised, before Mahrez's header restored Leicester's lead.

But Wallace scored a dramatic 20-yard free-kick to deny Leicester victory.

Leeds vs Sheffield Wednesday – Prediction Away win

Result – Leeds 1 Sheffield Wed 1

Ooooh! Hit the bar again!

A neat finish from Giuseppe Bellusci rescued a point for Leeds United in their derby with Sheffield Wednesday, but new boss Darko Milanic is still searching for his first win.

Chris Maguire gave the visitors the lead when he thrashed Jacques Maghoma's cross into Marco Silvestri's bottom corner shortly after half-time.

But Bellusci calmly side-footed home to grab a deserved equaliser.

Wolves vs Wigan – Prediction Home win

Result – Wolves 2 Wigan 2

Stap me! Another one hit the bar!

Wigan's winless run was extended to six games as Bakary Sako rescued a point for Wolves at Molineux.

Dave Edwards was unmarked as he headed Wolves in front from Rajiv van La Parra's cross.

The Latics were level two minutes later when James Perch headed in from close range before Marc-Antoine Fortune put the visitors ahead right on half-time.

But Mali international Sako struck from the edge of the area after James Henry had missed Scott Golbourne's corner.

Coventry vs Crawley – Prediction Home win

Result – Coventry 2 Crawley 2

Victor Meldrew moment! Yet another hit the bar!!!

Josh McQuoid gave the hosts the lead on 14 minutes with a close-range finish before Simeon Jackson doubled the advantage with a low 27th-minute shot.

But Crawley turned the game around with two goals in four first-half minutes.

Gwion Edwards scored from outside the area before Izale McLeod was on hand to equalise from 10 yards.

The Sky Blues could have gone ahead after only a minute but John Fleck saw his effort strike the post.

The opening goal came when Jim O'Brien's free-kick was palmed out by Crawley goalkeeper Jamie Ashdown and McQuoid was on hand to capitalise at the second attempt.

Jackson's hard and low finish seemingly put the hosts out of sight but Edwards' 33rd-minute goal came out of the blue.

He picked up the ball on the edge of Coventry's box before curling his shot into the top corner.

Parity was restored when full-back Aaron Phillips opted to head a low ball in the box. That put pressure on City's defence and allowed McLeod to level.

Oh, and happy birthday to Coventry’s manager.

Mansfield vs Accrington – Prediction Home win

Result – Mansfield 0 Accrington 1

AAAARGHHH!

Luke Joyce's first-half penalty helped in-form Accrington Stanley overcome 10-man Mansfield Town to record their fifth win in six matches.

Keeper Sacha Studer brought down Marcus Carver early on to gift the visitors a penalty which Joyce fiercely converted.

Mansfield were much improved after the break, with Rakesh Bingham's strike coming closest to finding a leveller.

But they were a man down when Murray was sent off eight minutes from time after a late challenge on Rob Atkinson.

There you have it my little gramblerinis, five predictions made by The Grambler and all five wrong.  Admittedly, he/she/it hit the bar on four of those predictions, but really!  It’s just not good enough!  You’d better buck your ideas up this week Grambler, or else. Things had better improve or you’ll be getting rebooted up your transistors.

So what five laughable predictions has The Grambler come up with this week?

Game – Result – Odds

Sheffield Utd vs Leyton Orient – Prediction Home win – 11/8

Wimbledon vs Bury – Prediction Away win – 13/10

Newport vs York – Prediction Home win – 6/4

Tranmere vs Plymouth – Prediction Away win – 19/10

Alloa vs Hearts – Prediction Away win – 1/3

Once again it is a case of no spiel, just the deal.  However, the bets are on (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if…and it’s a big if… the predictions all go our way the Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund will be giving…

£20.83

…to the Bobby Moore Fund.  Hmm.  Apart from the Hearts result, I don’t hold out much hope of winning.

Right, it’s teaser time.  Last week I asked you which footballer had been sold three times by the same manager.  The answer is Peter Crouch who has been sold three times by, you probably guessed, Harry Nedrapp.  To be fair, old Harry did buy him twice.  Sounds like a bit of a scam.  Like the guy who sold the same homing pigeon fives times.

What about a teaser for this week?  Who was the shortest goalkeeper ever to play in the English senior leagues?  I thought I knew the answer.  I had always thought that Derby County’s Les Green was the shortest, but at 5’ 8” he is one inch too tall.  So do you know the answer?  If you do, well done.  If you do after looking up Googlie, not so well done.

I told you earlier about the Great British Bay Cough and it got me thinking – What other shows might be ratings winners?  I have come up with a cracker.  Did you ever watch the play/film The Madness of King George?  If you did, you will know that his madness was blamed on a genetic blood disorder called porphyria.  You’ve heard of people having blue blood?  Well, this gives sufferers blue urine.  I think a good TV programme would be a documentary going around the country talking to people who have had this disorder.  It could be presented by someone like grinning Brian Cox, or Neil Oliver walking along and talking over his shoulder.  Why does he do that?  One day he’ll come a cropper and walk right off a cliff.  But I digress.  The name of this documentary?  Obvious, really.  Blue Pee Tour.

And finally, Cyril.  And finally Esther a photograph of a Daryl Hall and John Oates album from the 1980s.

 


 

I know what you’re thinking, but they weren’t.  Honest.

 

Happy grambling.

 

 

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