Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record
and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart’s wish was that The
Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
Whenever
Mrs G wants to go shopping and drags me along, I tend to look for a place I can
sit down and, well, avoid the actual shopping bit of going shopping. Heading for an establishment that sells a
decent cup of coffee and sitting down with my tablet and writing rubbish like
this is one way of doing just that. I
can spend a happy hour or so wasting time in this way while Mrs G tries on a
few items of attire and looks at handbags or shoes. She’s happy.
I’m happy. It is a system that
works well.
Another
way for me to pass the time is to head for a bookshop. Sadly, there aren’t many bookshops left
thanks to Anamoz. There are a few
discount bookshops left so these are places I tend to go to and it is one of
these very establishments that has provided us with this week’s topic. Book shops?
No. Discount bookshops? No. It
is what a discount bookshop sells.
[Books? – Ed.] Yes, it is
books. I have a question – How do half
of the titles ever get to the publishing stage?
Here is a series of three from the same ‘author’. The first of the set is called How to Poo on Holiday . I’m sorry? What kind of warped mind came up with that as
a subject for a book? It gets
worse. Another in the series is How to
Poo on a Date. I am assuming that is
referring to having a poo when you are on a date with somebody, rather than
actually pooing on the somebody.
Obviously I can’t know because like any sane person I did not actually
look at the book’s content; the title was enough to dissuade me. The third book of the series got a little
more racy and was titled How to Bonk in Public.
I should explain to any overseas readers or, indeed, anyone who doesn’t
read the Sun (The Beano with tits) that the word ‘bonk’ is a word that Sun
journalists (Did I just say journalists?
Ha ha ha ha ha!) use to describe the sexual act. It is a word that doesn’t really get used
anywhere else but the Sun newspaper. It
is like romp. Only in the Sun do couples
having a sexual liaison ‘romp’.
Sometimes more than two people take part; then it’s a ‘three in a bed
romp’. How do you romp, exactly? Anyway, I digress. Back to the plot…
I
said I didn’t look inside the books to check what was there…Now, I know they
say you can’t judge a book by its cover and I am willing to accept that this
adage can often be true, but not this time.
The covers were illustrated by drawings of matchstick people
demonstrating exactly what the titles had already said. It was entirely possible that these books
contained more of these badly-drawn pictures with precious little else to back
them up. I’m guessing, obviously.
It
is not surprising that these three literary gems should be found in a clearance
shop. Even at the discounted price of 99
pees, they weren’t exactly flying off the shelf. Perhaps nobody wanted to spend nearly a pound
on this work of creative genius. In the
same way that no one was daft enough to spend six quid more than that when they
first came out.
Okay,
this prompts a few questions. I have
already asked what kind of mind came up with the, let’s not kid ourselves,
rather suspect subject matter. Had this
man (I’m assuming it was a man) experienced some dreadful trauma that had made
him want to write about such things? Or
was he somebody whose sense of humour had never progressed beyond that of a
smutty schoolboy. Probably the latter,
but how would his peers react when he announced his aspirations to be a
top-selling [? – Ed.] author…
‘Hey,
I’m writing a book.’
‘Great. What’s it about?’
‘Pooing
on holiday.’
‘Er…right…’
‘And
then I’m going to write one called How to Poo on a Date.’
‘What
the…?’
‘And
then I’m going to do one called How to Bonk in Public…. Hey, come back!’
Right,
we have established that the books are written by a weirdo, but then said
weirdo takes his tomes to a publisher who, instead of doing the right thing and
calling the police says, ‘What a great idea!’ and buys this nutter’s work and
prints off too many copies [One, surely. – Ed.] expecting this dross to be
lapped up by punters with a wacky sense of humour. The problem is, nobody’s sense of humour is
that wacky, hence the vast pile of papery excrement in this discount shop.
Does
anyone buy them? I would wager that
nobody would ever buy them to read themselves.
Maybe some misguided aunts/grannies would buy them as gifts for a nephew/grandson…‘Ooh
look. A book with a rude word in the
title. Poo, that’s rude. What does bonk mean? It’s perhaps rude too. Yes.
There’s a rude picture on the cover.
That would be just right for our ….insert nephew/grandson name of your
choice… He’s got a wacky sense of humour.’
Aunty/granny, as I have already said…
As a
footnote to this week’s topic I went online to see if Anomoz sold these
books. They do and it transpires there
are even more titles out there. One is
entitled How to Poo at Work. However,
that isn’t why I added this bit. No. It is more about how you search for items on
Anamoz. A drop-down screen invites you
to search by department – in this case, ‘Books’ – or you can search all
departments. Thus, the first line on the
drop-down screen for this particular book reads ‘How to Poo at Work in all
departments’. I thought that was funny,
or is that just my smutty schoolboy sense of humour?
This
week the most watched television programme has been about Morecambe Bay England
Any
birthdays of note on this lovely 11th of October? Yes indeedy.
Eleanor Roosevelt 1884 (Frank’s wife), Fred Trump 1905 (Donald’s dad),
Art Blakey 1919 (Reg Varney’s dad), Elmore Leonard 1925 (Leonard Rossiter’s
dad), Bobby Charlton 1937 (Jack’s brother), Maria Beuno 1939 (Dennis the
Menace’s mum), Rodney Marsh 1944 (Stan Bowles’ wife), Dawn French 1957 (Asterix
the Gaul’s lass), Neil Buchanan 1961 (inventor of the bus station) and Steven Pressley
1973 (Scottish footballer) were all born on this day. Unfortunately, none of them gave us any hits
worth gramblerising. Art Blakey perhaps
drummed along to a few. Hold on a
mo! Someone’s missing. Daryl Franklyn Hohl – that’s Daryl Hall to
you and me - was born on October the 11th 1948 making him clickety click. He had a few hits with his partner John Oates
– his musical partner. Stop sniggering at the back. Yes, I know they wore a lot of makeup and
looked a bit… lots of people wore make up – Boy George, Pete Burns – it doesn’t
mean that they were, well, you know. Any
road up, here’s one of their hits suitably gramblerised.
But he said,
"Leave me alone, I'm a grambling man
And my bark is much worse than my bite"
He said, "Leave me alone, I'm a grambling man
If you gramble too far I just might"
And my bark is much worse than my bite"
He said, "Leave me alone, I'm a grambling man
If you gramble too far I just might"
Right onto grambling matters. What happened last week? How much did the bet win?
F*** all
Yes, for the second time this season
we have lost all of the 220 pees bet on the games as predicted by The Grambler. How did that happen?
Leicester vs Burnley – Prediction Home win
Result – Leicester 2 Burnley 2
Awww! Hit the bar!
Substitute
Ross Wallace scored a stoppage-time equaliser at Leicester to lift Burnley off the bottom of the Premier
League.
But Wallace scored a dramatic 20-yard free-kick to
deny Leicester victory.
Result – Leeds
1 Sheffield
Wed 1
Ooooh! Hit the bar again!
A neat finish
from Giuseppe Bellusci rescued a point for Leeds United in their derby with Sheffield Wednesday, but new boss Darko
Milanic is still searching for his first win.
Chris Maguire gave the visitors the lead when he
thrashed Jacques Maghoma's cross into Marco Silvestri's bottom corner shortly
after half-time.
But Bellusci calmly side-footed home to grab a
deserved equaliser.
Wolves vs Wigan
– Prediction Home win
Result – Wolves 2 Wigan
2
Stap me! Another one hit the
bar!
Dave Edwards was unmarked as he headed Wolves in front
from Rajiv van La Parra's cross.
The Latics were level two minutes later when James
Perch headed in from close range before Marc-Antoine Fortune put the visitors
ahead right on half-time.
But Mali
Result – Coventry Crawley
2
Victor Meldrew moment! Yet
another hit the bar!!!
Josh McQuoid gave the hosts the lead on 14 minutes
with a close-range finish before Simeon Jackson doubled the advantage with a
low 27th-minute shot.
But Crawley turned the game around with two goals in four first-half
minutes.
Gwion Edwards scored from outside the area before
Izale McLeod was on hand to equalise from 10 yards.
The Sky Blues could have gone ahead after only a
minute but John Fleck saw his effort strike the post.
The opening goal came when Jim O'Brien's free-kick was
palmed out by Crawley goalkeeper Jamie Ashdown and McQuoid
was on hand to capitalise at the second attempt.
He picked up the ball on the edge of Coventry
Parity was restored when full-back Aaron Phillips
opted to head a low ball in the box. That put pressure on City's defence and
allowed McLeod to level.
Oh, and happy birthday to Coventry
Result – Mansfield Accrington
1
AAAARGHHH!
Luke Joyce's
first-half penalty helped in-form Accrington Stanley overcome 10-man Mansfield Town
Keeper Sacha Studer brought down Marcus Carver early
on to gift the visitors a penalty which Joyce fiercely converted.
But they were a man down when Murray
There you have it my little gramblerinis, five
predictions made by The Grambler and all five wrong. Admittedly, he/she/it hit the bar on four of
those predictions, but really! It’s just
not good enough! You’d better buck your ideas
up this week Grambler, or else. Things had better improve or you’ll be getting
rebooted up your transistors.
So what five laughable predictions has The Grambler
come up with this week?
Game – Result – Odds
Tranmere vs Plymouth
Alloa vs Hearts –
Prediction Away win – 1/3
Once again it is a case of no spiel, just the
deal. However, the bets are on (10 x 20
pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if…and it’s a big if… the
predictions all go our way the Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund will be
giving…
£20.83
…to the Bobby Moore Fund. Hmm.
Apart from the Hearts result, I don’t hold out much hope of winning.
Right, it’s teaser time. Last week I asked you which footballer had
been sold three times by the same manager.
The answer is Peter Crouch who has been sold three times by, you
probably guessed, Harry Nedrapp. To be
fair, old Harry did buy him twice.
Sounds like a bit of a scam. Like
the guy who sold the same homing pigeon fives times.
What about a teaser for this week? Who was the shortest goalkeeper ever to play
in the English senior leagues? I thought
I knew the answer. I had always thought
that Derby County
I told you earlier about the Great British Bay Cough
and it got me thinking – What other shows might be ratings winners? I have come up with a cracker. Did you ever watch the play/film The Madness
of King George? If you did, you will
know that his madness was blamed on a genetic blood disorder called porphyria. You’ve heard of people having blue
blood? Well, this gives sufferers blue
urine. I think a good TV programme would
be a documentary going around the country talking to people who have had this
disorder. It could be presented by
someone like grinning Brian Cox, or Neil Oliver walking along and talking over
his shoulder. Why does he do that? One day he’ll come a cropper and walk right
off a cliff. But I digress. The name of this documentary? Obvious, really. Blue Pee Tour.
And finally, Cyril.
And finally Esther a photograph of a Daryl Hall and John Oates album
from the 1980s.
I know what you’re thinking, but they weren’t. Honest.
Happy grambling.
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