Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record
and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart’s wish was that The
Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
Do you recall a few weeks ago, Scotland had the chance to
assume independence from the rest of the UK?
Tempted by promises from Wendy Darling and Golden Brown that Scotland
(if it remained part of the UK) would have greater powers over its own affairs,
55 per cent of the electorate said ‘Ooh that sounds nice’ and voted ‘no’. This week, the first piece of legislation since
the electorate fell for this hype has been brought in by the Scottish
parliament. What can it be – you are all
eager to know. What do you mean, you
couldn’t care less? This is history in
the making. This is Scotland flexing its
political muscles, telling the world ‘Look at our amazing new powers’. So what have these amazing new powers been
used for? Tax changes? Getting people back to work? Education?
Putting money into the NHS?
Nope. The government of Scotland,
using its new powers, has legislated….that supermarkets should no longer give
free carrier bags and should charge 5 pee for each one. Yeah?
You’re impressed aren’t you?
The thinking is that too many carrier bags end up as
rubbish that can injure sea life (Seriously), particularly turtles (Yeah, you
get loads of them swimming up the Clyde.).
It is thought that people will be too miserable to spend 5 pees on a carrier
bag and will bring their own shopping bag…I know; just like your mum and granny
used to do…Voila! No more carrier bags
being mistaken for tasty fish by turtles.
Yes, that’s fine, Scotland, if the whole world does the same. However, as Scotland’s population is
currently 5.3 million, or one thirteen hundredth of the world’s population – that
is 1 over 1300, incidentally, or 0.07% of the total - I can’t see it making a
blind bit of difference. The only
difference it is likely to make in Scotland is that sales of bin liners will go
up.
This has all reminded me of a news story brought to my
attention recently. It concerns a
husband and wife and their weekly shopping habits. Said husband and wife would park their car in
the supermarket car park and head into the store. They would then take a shopping-trolley each
and proceed around the store filling each trolley with identical goods. Thus, as they approached the checkout area,
each trolley would be carrying exactly the same as the other. However, while the husband put his goods
through the checkout, the wife would head for the supermarket cafeteria and
place her trolleyload of goods in a trolley locker. Meanwhile, having paid for his goods, the
husband would push his trolley to the car and load the shopping into the
boot. He would then head back to his
wife, who would no doubt have a nice cup of tea and a toasted tea cake waiting
for him. After finishing the little
snack, the wife would retrieve the trolleyload of (unpaid for) goods and exit
the supermarket to put the stolen goods into the car. Ah, but what if the security man were to stop
her? Simple; she had the receipt! And so she had. The husband had given it to her and if the
security man went through the trolley item by item he would see that the
receipt tallied up perfectly.
It was quite a scam.
Quite smart in a way. You have to
smile at the sheer cheek of it. But they got caught in the end. Perhaps the security guards just noticed this
same woman going out of the store week after week with all her shopping loose
in the trolley. Who on earth would buy
all that shopping and not put it in carrier bags?
Now, I am sure you are way ahead of me here. Now that carrier bags are not free, I predict
quite a lot of people will head out of a store with their shopping loose in the
trolley. Yes. A potential nightmare for supermarket
security guards, I reckon.
Or stores could just follow the Adli, Ldil template and
make the checkout queuing area so narrow you couldn’t possibly half inch
anything!
By the way, the story of these felons is absolutely
true. You are probably thinking, ‘What
kind of lowlife would do such a thing?’
A very intelligent kind of lowlife; a doctor, no less.
Okay then, on to our birthdays of today 25th
October. It’s birthday wishes to…Johann
Strauss 1825 (Johann’s lad), Georges Bizet 1838 (inventor of Carmen hair
rollers), Pablo Picasso 1881 (painter and decorator), Helen Reddy 1941
(inventor of Cup-a-soup), Jon Anderson 1944 (singing gnome), Rob Halford 1948
(founder of Judas Priest bike shop), Nick Hancock 1962 (Tony’s lad), Russell
Anderson 1978 (football bloke), Shaun Wright-Phillips (another football bloke)
and Katy Perry 1984 (Perry Como’s lass).
Now, I bet you are expecting a gramblerised song at this point. You are?
Well, I am going to disappoint you.
Sort of. I am giving you some
song lyrics, but I don’t need to gramblerise them; they are dreadful enough
without any input from me.
But first, another anniversary on this date. The death of one of the US of A’s great
songsmiths. Roger Miller died on this
day in 1992. He penned some wonderful
toons – ‘King of the Road’ was one of his.
He had hits with other people’s songs too. Remember ‘Little Green Apples’? He also did the one I give you here. A song about England, patently written by
someone who had never been there – Engerland Swings (like a pendulum do). Ye gods and little fishes!
Engerland swings like a pendulum do
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two
Westminster Abbey, the tower Big Ben
The rosy red cheeks of the little children
Now, if you huff and puff and you fin'ly save enough
Money up to take your family on a trip across the sea,
Take a tip before you take your trip
Let me tell you where to go
Go to Engerland 'cause
Engerland swings like a pendulum do
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two
Westminster Abbey, the tower Big Ben
The rosy red cheeks of the little children
Mummy's old pajamas and your daddy's mustache
Falling out the windowsill, frolic in the grass
Tryin' to mock the way, they talk fun but all in vain,
Gaping at the dapper men with derby hats and canes, oh
Engerland swings like
a pendulum do
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two
Westminster Abbey, the tower Big Ben
The rosy red cheeks of the little children
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two
Westminster Abbey, the tower Big Ben
The rosy red cheeks of the little children
Engerland swings like
a pendulum do
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two
Westminster Abbey, the tower Big Ben
The rosy red cheeks of the little children
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two
Westminster Abbey, the tower Big Ben
The rosy red cheeks of the little children
Dapper men in derby hats and canes???
This is a song written in the 1960s…the nineteen sixties…not the eighteen sixties! What planet was this guy on! And he sings durby instead of darby. Tyuh! And
it’s a bowler hat, anyway you barmy pillock!
Sorry to all you Roger Miller fans out there, but he was a bit… well…crap.
Right shall we move on to the little matter of last week’s gramble? Was it any good? Nah.
Not really. From our £2.20 stake
we got a return of only 66 pee. Rubbish,
eh? What happened? Read on…
Everton vs Aston
Villa – Prediction Home win
Result – Everton 3
Aston Villa 0
Yay!
Phil Jagielka, Romelu Lukaku and the
returning Seamus Coleman grabbed the goals for the Toffees
as they climb to 12th in the Premier League table.
Boss Roberto Martinez handed Ross
Barkley his first start of the campaign after
recovering from injury and the England midfielder was involved in
the first goal.
A short corner involving Barkley and
Leighton Baines saw the latter deliver a fine right-footed cross for skipper
Jagielka to nod home.
Villa improved after that and went close
through Alan Hutton before James McCarthy denied Tom Cleverley as he prepared
to pull the trigger.
However, they were left chasing a
two-goal deficit shortly after the break as Lukaku silenced some of his
critics.
The Belgian
raced on to a through ball from Barkley before firing a left-footed drive at
goal - although Brad Guzan won't want to see it again after letting the shot
squirm through his grasp.
The second-goal put Everton in cruise
control and they added some gloss to the scoreline when Baines whipped in
another fine delivery for fellow full-back Coleman to prod home.
Ipswich
vs Blackburn – Prediction Home win
Result –
Ipswich 1 Blackburn 1
Oooh! ‘It the
bar!
Ben
Marshall's stoppage-time free-kick rescued a point for 10-man Blackburn and denied in-form Ipswich .
That goal came after a foul on Conor Sammon, for which
Matthew Kilgallon was shown a second yellow card.
"Blackburn stuck arrit, but we lerrum off th’ook. Still, it's another pint
and if we end up int play-offs by a pint, it won't marrer."
Result – Walsall
0 Crewe
1
Boo!
Adam Dugdale lashed in his first goal since May to
earn bottom club Crewe Alexandra their first League One away win of the season
at Walsall .
Crewe's back three were the key to their second
straight victory, limiting Dean Smith's side to very few worthwhile chances.
Mathieu Manset shot left footed just across the face
and Jordan Cook's 20-yard chip was tipped over by Crewe keeper Ben Garratt, while Romaine
Sawyers whistled one just wide in the first half.
But Crewe had the better early chances, Brad ‘I’m free’
Inman lobbing just wide while Alan Tate saw a header fly just over from George
Cooper's corner and Anthony Grant's right-foot angled shot went straight at the
keeper.
And former Walsall striker Febian Brandy's well-struck right foot shot
was safely caught by Richard O'Donnell, only for the Saddlers keeper to almost
clumsily spill it through his own legs. Ooh, you don’t want to spill it through your
own legs.
Yeovil vs Swindon
– Prediction Away win
Result – Yeovil 1 Swindon
1
Ooh! ‘It the bar again!
James ‘Mr Pickwick’ Hayter gave the hosts an interval
lead with a composed finish, but could later have been sent off for a bit of
handbags with Yaser Kasim after being booked for a challenge on the Swindon midfielder.
However, Swindon 's Andy ‘Moon River ’ Williams curled in a leveller against
his former club.
And Swindon held on after captain Nathan Thompson was shown a second
yellow card with 12 minutes to play.
Result – Hartlepool
1 Luton
2
Yay! Or should that be phew?
Mark Cullen
and Jim Stevenson were on target as Luton 's fine run continued with a win against lowly Hartlepool .
They went ahead when Cullen slotted his fifth goal of
the season through the legs of Scott Flinders following a Pelly ‘put the kettle on’ Ruddock
through-ball.
The second came when Stevenson tapped in the rebound
after Flinders parried Ricky Miller's free-kick.
Neil Austin pulled one back from the spot in injury
time after Scott Griffiths fouled Brad Walker.
So there you have it my little gramblerinis, only two
out of five going as predicted by The Grambler, but it could so easily have
been four right. Never mind. Let’s see this week’s predictions.
Game – Result – Odds
Birmingham vs
Bournemouth – Prediction Away win - Evens
Oldham vs Bradford –
Prediction Home win – Evens
Raith vs Alloa –
Prediction Home win – 10/11
That’s this week’s selections from The Grambler. All five games take place on Saturday the 25th
of October at 3pm . The bets are on (10
x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if all results go as
predicted, The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund will be donating the
magnificent sum of…
£11.39
…to the Bobby Moore Fund. Hey if you fancy making a wee donation
yourself, go for it. You can do so by
going to https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .
Go on, you know you want to.
What about last week’s teaser, then? Did you know it? I asked which England outfield player had the most caps
without ever scoring for his national side.
The answer is Ashley Cole who played 107 times for England without netting a goal. Incidentally, the world record belongs to Sweden ’s Bjorn Nordqvist who played 115
games without ever scoring.
This week’s teaser now; a Premiershit management
question for you. Only two people have
managed as many as five clubs in the English Premiershit, can you name
them? Actually, you can’t be wrong,
because the phrasing of the question means that if you answer ‘no’ you are
correct. So, instead of a question I
will just say – name them.
And finally, Cyril?
And finally Esther, a rare piece of humour from the Beeb Beeb Ceeb’s
website. In the wake of Mario ‘I’m pure
mental’ Balotelli’s latest indiscretion (shirt-swapping at half time? Pure
mental!) the Beeb has come up with Supermario’s own snakes and ladders game…
Happy grambling.
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