Saturday, 18 October 2014

Week 11 - Another foody gramble


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

Stewart’s wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Before we start this week’s topic, I would just like say congratulations to the footballers at Hamilton Acedemical who tonight (Friday 17th October) thumped Aberdeen 3 nil to remain at the top of the Scottish Premier League.

Oh and a little mention of David Moyes (pictured) who came out of his little hole to tell reporters that he now wants to manage a football team again, my pretties.  He must be gloating a little bit that the man who took over from him as manager of Manchester United, Louis van Gaal is making an utter bollocks of the job.  Not sure of van Gaal’s credentials but, on current form, managing a whelk stall might be a better option.



David Moyes looking a bit smug


On with this week’s topic…

Last week I mentioned The Great British Bake Off, the most watched programme of the week.  Apparently, 12 million viewers tuned in.  How do they know that?  What does 12 million mean?  12 million TVs?  12 million assuming that 2 people are watching each telly?  Maybe people leave the television switched permanently to that channel, but aren’t really watching.  It is a made up figure.  The only fact known is that more TVs were tuned in to BBC1 at the time of that programme than were tuned to any other single programme on any other channel at any time of the week.  Does that make sense?  Hope so.

My own interpretation of the figure is that maybe more sets were tuned in at that time, but only one person in each household is watching.  The others, like me, run from the room screaming, ‘Aaarghh!  Another cookery programme!  Save me!’  As I may have mentioned in previous reports, I do not like cookery programmes.  To me, it is only food; I don’t give a monkey’s what it looks like.  If it tastes okay, I’m happy.  Talking of food looking good (please stop me if you’ve read this before), I often make a curry.  Rather a nice one actually; not too spicy, not too mild.  I sometimes make it for visitors and it always amuses me when I place the plate in front of them and they say (out of politeness, I am sure), ‘Mmm, that looks delicious.’  Excuse me, but one thing a curry can not be accused of is looking delicious, or even nice.  It is a brown saucy mess of a meal.  It may smell pleasant, hopefully it will taste nice, but it certainly doesn’t look nice.  There is only one thing I know of that looks like a plate of curry and it is something that certainly doesn’t smell pleasant.  I certainly wouldn’t eat it; I can assure you of that.

Any road up, this week I have resumed the Gramblerplan diet.  Why, you ask?  I know what you are thinking.  I don’t really; I’m not psychiatric [I think you might well be, but the word you are looking for is psychic. – Ed.].  What you are probably thinking is – that couldn’t have been a very good diet if I need to go on it again.  Ah, the thing is, I haven’t been on the diet for a number of months during which I have been simply eating as I would normally.  Does that mean I have put all that weight back on?  Not a bit of it.  I am rather chuffed that my weight stayed pretty steady during the break.  I admit to eating more sensibly than I used to.  I think I may have mentioned that I have a sweet tooth and do enjoy the odd gooey cake or pudding.  Well, I have a brilliant scheme which allows me to still have my cake and not put on tons of weight.  I find that the time I put on weight is when I go out for a meal and consume three courses.  That’s just greed isn’t it?  Who needs a starter, a main course and a dessert?  No one.  So what I do is miss out a course.  Simple as that.  However, the only way to keep those pounds off is to miss out the correct course.  Which one, I hear you ask.  The dessert?  As if.  No, the best course to miss out is – the main course.  Thus, if I go out for a meal, I have a starter and a sweet.  And, do you know what?  I feel less ‘full up’ after my meal.  So, there you have a bit of Gramblerplan diet advice – If you go out for a meal, just say no to that huge main course.

Any road up, I and my five cohorts have resumed the diet and we have all started out from the same point we left off; no one has gained a huge amount.  Granted, no one has lost anything, but it suggests we are all eating more sensibly.  Our thinking is that now is the time to lose a few pounds and then we don’t need to worry about putting on a wee bit of weight.  And if a bit of money heads towards The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund all well and good.

All very well, but what is this week’s topic?  TV cookery programmes.  It is time to put on the TV anti-cookery prog.  And I have come up with the perfect show.  Have you ever been camping?  Could you be bothered with cooking?  Course not.  Have you ever been to a music festival?  Could you be bothered with cooking?  Course not.  Were you ever a student?  Could you be bothered with cooking?  Course not.  What did you do?  You just took a tin of food, say beans, removed the lid and simply scooped out the contents and guzzled them.  Am I right?  Course I am.  So the programme I have come up with concerns the eating habits of campers/festival goers/students.  Who should present it?  Obviously it couldn’t be a serious programme, so a comedian would be a sensible choice.  What about Jimmy Carr?  Or Shaun Locke?  No, I reckon Jon Richardson would be the best choice.  He has a studenty look about him.  Now then, what about a name for this programme?  Obvious really – Eat Out of Tin Cans.

Are there any birthdays of note today – the 18th of October?  Yes – Leo G. Carroll 1892 (writer of Alice in UNCLEland), Lotte Lenya 1898 (inventor of the sweepstake), Pierre Trudeau 1919 (Canadian bloke), Melina Mercouri 1920 (Greek woman), Klaus Kinski 1926 (mad Polish bloke), George C. Scott 1927 (Terry Scott’s dad), Peter Boyle 1935 (Katie’s lad), Lee Harvey Oswald 1939 (bloke with gun), Joe Egan 1949 (Stealers Wheel bloke), Martina Navratilova 1956 (tennis woman), Jean-Claude Van Damme 1960 (tree), Wynton Marsalis 1961 (inventor of tikka curry sauce), Gladstone Small 1961 (Cricket bloke), Curtis Stigers 1965 (spoonerism), Michael Stich 1968 (tennis bloke) and Robbie Savage 1974 (football bloke).  Sixteen names and not a toon worth gramblerising among them.  But hold, dear reader.  Born on this very day in 1926 was one Charles Edward Anderson Berry, better known as ‘Chuck’.  Yes, I know he had a mention only recently, but it’s his 88th birthday for goodness’ sake.  He deserves another mention.  There must be something in his repertoire worth gramblerising… But before that, a bit of biography on this rock and roll legend.

In 1944 he was jailed for armed robbery.  In 1962 he was jailed for transporting a 14 year old girl over state lines.  In 1979 he was jailed for tax evasion.  In the late 1980s he bought a restaurant and in 1990 he was sued by several women for rigging up a video camera in the ladies’ loo.  Although his guilt was never proven he was forced to pay a settlement to the 59 complainants.  It was estimated that he paid out $1.2 million plus legal costs.  That wasn’t the end of the matter.  His home was later raided by police who seized several video tapes from the restaurant ladies’ room, one of which showed an underage woman, plus 62 grammes of marijuana.  He pleaded guilty to the drug possession and received a suspended jail sentence and was forced to give $5000 to a local hospital.  In 2000 he again faced legal charges when he was sued by his one-time pianist Johnnie Johnson who claimed he had co-written over 50 songs with Berry.  This time, the case was dismissed as the judge ruled that too much time had elapsed between the composition of the songs and the claim.  Maybe he felt sorry for the 74 year old.

So there you have Chuck Berry’s adult years – great musician, not a very nice bloke to know, though, it would seem.  But will that stop a bit of gramblerising?  Never…

Grambling along in my automobile
My grambler beside me at the wheel
I grambled a kiss at the turn of a mile
My curiosity grambling wild
Gramblin' and playin' the radio
With no particular place to go

Okay.  I think it is time we got down to grambling matters.  How did last week’s bet fare?  Well, we certainly did better than last week when we lost a small fortune.  All right, £2,20; so it’s a very small fortune.  This week, we actually won…

Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah
Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah

For the lord God omnipotent reigneth
Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah
For the lord God omnipotent reigneth
Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah
For the lord God omnipotent reigneth
Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah

…All right, all right.  We didn’t win that much.  Taking the stake money of £2.20 into account we won a grand total of….

69 pee

Ah well, ne’er mind, ay?  I am sure you are desperate to know what happened.  You’re not?  Well I’m going to tell you anyway.

Sheffield Utd vs Leyton Orient – Prediction Home win

Result – Sheffield United 2 Leyton Orient 2

Ooooh!  ‘It the bar!

Romain Vincelot's last-gasp header snatched 10-man Leyton Orient a point after a dramatic finish against Sheffield United.

The visitors had taken a first-half lead through Jay Simpson, before Jobi McAnuff was sent off after the break.

The Blades had to wait until the 90th minute to equalise through Paddy McCarthy and then Marc McNulty's header a minute into added time looked to have won it.

However, deep into added time – which somehow lasted for 10 whole minutes! -  Vincelot headed in from a corner to earn a draw.  Do you think the ref was trying to nobble our bet?  Ten minutes!  Where did they come from?

Wimbledon vs Bury – Prediction Away win

Result – Wimbledon 3 Bury 2

B*gger!

This week’s ‘Cracking Name of the Week’, Adebayo Akinfenwa scored a quickfire double to set AFC Wimbledon on their way to a thrilling win over high-flying Bury.

The striker volleyed in a 25th-minute opener and then headed a second from Sean Rigg's cross.

Danny Mayor's fierce strike gave the visitors hope but Matt Tubbs poked in the home side's third to make it 3-1.

Ryan Lowe's penalty, after Barry Fuller fouled Chris Hussey, set up a tense finale but Wimbledon held on.

Newport vs York – Prediction Home win

Result – Newport 3 York 1

At last!  Yay!

Newport County came from behind to beat 10-man York City at Rodney Parade in League Two.

On-loan striker Diego De Girolamo's low finish fired the Minstermen in front early on, before Russell Penn saw red for a second bookable offence.

Andrew Hughes' low drive brought County level and Chris Zebroski latched onto a poor back-pass to put Newport ahead.

Centre-back Darren Jones hit a spectacular long range half-volley into the top corner to seal the win.

Tranmere vs Plymouth – Prediction Away win

Result – Tranmere 0 Plymouth 1

Yayyy!

Reuben Reid's winner helped Plymouth Argyle record their third victory of the week as they beat Tranmere Rovers.

Anthony O'Connor's sublime cross picked out Reid, who powered his header home just before the half-hour mark.

Argyle goalkeeper Luke McCormick was in fine form to deny George Barker midway through the second half.

Deane Smalley and Reid missed chances to wrap up victory for Plymouth but they held on and now move into sixth in the table.

Alloa vs Hearts – Prediction Away win

Result Alloa 0 Hearts 1

Woohoo!

Adam Eckersley scored a late free kick to give unbeaten Championship leaders Hearts victory at Alloa.

Dale Carrick nearly put the visitors ahead inside 30 seconds when he pulled an effort wide from six yards.

Osman Sow, Billy King and Prince Buaben [King Billy?  Prince Buaben?  A football team with royalty in it! – Ed.] also came close for Hearts, while Kevin Cawley spurned two chances for Alloa.

But, with five minutes remaining, Eckerslike was fouled and the left-back fired the resulting set-piece into the bottom corner.

Let’s move on quickly to this week’s bet.  A full fixtures list this week after last week’s truncated effort.  So from all the 59 games taking place this Saturday, the 18th of October at 3pm, The Grambler has selected for us…

Game – Result – Odds

Everton vs Aston Villa – Home win – 8/15

Ipswich vs Blackburn – Home win – 11/10

Walsall vs Crewe – Home win – 4/7

Yeovil vs Swindon – Away win – 6/5

Hartlepool vs Luton – Away win – 23/20

There you have it, just the deal without the spiel.  The bets (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) are on and if they all go as predicted by The Grambler, The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund will benefit by an astounding…

£12.04

Hmm, that’s not particularly astounding is it?  It is all down to those pretty crappy odds.  It looks like The Grambler has played it fairly safe this week.  And we all know what happens when The Grambler plays it safe.  We flaming well lose!  That’s what.

Did you all get the answer to last week’s teaser?  You did?  What, all three of you?  Well done.  And now this week’s teaser… I’m sorry?  Oh, I haven’t given you the answer.  I do apologise.  Last week I asked you who was the shortest ever goalkeeper to play in the English senior leagues.  His name was Teddy Davison and he was just 5 feet 7 inches tall.  He played for only one club in his 18 year (1908 to 1926) career – Sheffield Wednesday.  After that he managed Sheffield United for 20 years.  Jobs were for life in those days, it seems.

And now this week’s teaser.  Which English outfield player has been capped the most times without ever scoring for the national team?  If you know it, well done.  If you know it after going to googlie, not so well done.

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to Thursday’s edition of ‘Your Super Soaraway Beano With Tits’ from which this cutting comes…


SHOCKING HORSE

Pervert Sean Johnson, 19, was arrested for having sex with a stuffed toy horse in a supermarket in Brooksville, Florida.


That’s it.  That is the complete story.  Hold on there Beano with tits journalist who came up with this story (sorry, for journalist read ‘bloke who spends all day on line trawling the internet for  rude stories’) – Is that all we get?  I mean it needs a bit more detail than that.  I mean how did he, erm…?  I mean, what did he…?  The point I am struggling to make here is, unless the horse is anatomically correct, how does one actually have sex with a stuffed toy?  And why that headline?  Usually a BWT headline is a play on words.  Perhaps something like ‘STUFFED HORSE GETS STU… no, perhaps not.  But Shocking Horse?  What does that mean.  The horse wasn’t shocked; it’s a toy.  What the horse did wasn’t shocking, although what was done to the horse certainly was.  Lazy, lazy journalism.  Journos from the BTW used to go through all the local newspapers looking for stories to fill in little gaps, so it is nothing new.  The only difference is that they can now utilise the world wide web with its Twitter and Facebook to find all kinds of non-stories to print.

 


A stuffed toy

 

Happy grambling.

 

No comments:

Post a comment