Week 12 - The Grambler's guide to sartorial elegance

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

What is this week’s (g)ramble? Observation. Sorry pardon excuse me? This week I have been people watching. Admit it. You do it too.  Any road up, by doing so, I have come up with this week’s article...

I was visiting a famous Scottish city this week. See if you can guess which one from this description of some other bloke who was there. A gentleman, aged about 40, was walking (swaggering) along the street. He seemed to be rather proud of his sartorial elegance. His hair looked almost Dickensian; it seemed to be combed forward from behind his ears. Of course he had the obligatory bushy beard (see last week’s article). His hair was not what intrigued me; it was what he was wearing. He wore a cravat - that in itself is unusual - of a green hue which almost perfectly didn’t go with his orange waistcoat. Over the waistcoat he wore a tweed jacket which had a colour not dissimilar to the waistcoat, although it was more orangy brown than just orange. He wore trousers that are tartan; these are known as trews, or tartan trousers, if you prefer. Not for him something subdued like the Black Watch tartan, no, he had the brightest blue tartan imaginable. Remember the rest of the ensemble? Green, orange and now blue. A shrinking violet? I think not. Wait, there’s more. What would be the right shoes for such an outfit? Well, basically, anything. He could have worn pink spotted wellies and they probably wouldn’t have seemed out of place. what he did wear were black, patent-leather, slip-on shoes. His trews were a little short in the leg so his choice of sock was also visible. The colour was bright red, the colour that Billy Connolly describes as (screams) ‘RED!!!’ Have you guessed the city yet? The fact that this guy could walk about (almost) unnoticed, means that it could only be Edinburgh. If you have ever been to Edinburgh, you will understand exactly what I mean. When it comes to attire, the more flamboyant, the better. You’re colour blind, you say? Excellent, you can wear any mix of colours and no-one would bat an eyelid. American, with tenuous Scottish links? Sure, full highland dress is perfectly acceptable. Honestly, anything goes. If someone were to wear doublet and hose, he probably wouldn’t get a second glance.

The second part of this week’s (g)ramble also concerns dress. Before I describe the outfit, please remember the date. It is October. The city is Edinburgh. In Scotland. Normally, October is chilly. Frosts can begin as early as late August. This year, the climate has been mild. We still haven’t had our first touch of frost, so I suppose a guy walking about in vest top, shorts and flip flops is not so very odd. Incidentally, he also sported a bushy beard. So, what made me notice him? This took place in a shop. He was making a purchase. Nothing odd about that. It was the clothes and the item he bought which just looked a little incongruous (That’s a good word. I must look it up.). What was he buying? A snow shovel! While wearing shorts and flip flops! It’s definitely different.

The third tale has nothing to do with dress. Nor does Edinburgh feature. Last week while walking from my car to the football ground (Motherwell vs Celtic - we lost.) I saw an incident which makes me despair for mankind (well, the mankind round our way). Ahead of me were walking two men flanking a small boy aged about 7. The boy was drinking from a bottle of irn-bru (the well-known pick-me-up), as was his father. I’m assuming it was his father. Hope so, anyway. The boy swallowed the last of his drink and promptly attempted to lob the empty bottle over a high fence into somebody’s garden. It didn’t make it, but landed on the pavement beside the boy. What did the father do? Berate his son for being a litter lout? Not on your Nellie. Tell the boy to pick the bottle up and deposit it in the nearest bin? As if. No, he passed his own, now empty, bottle to the lad with the words, ‘Here, try it with this one.’ The boy managed to lob it into the garden this time. He and his dad cheered at this success and even high-fived one another. As I said; I despair.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 24th of October? Why, yes. Approximately, several. Sybil Thorndyke 1882 (Ectress, dear laddie. Trivia: she was the first actress to appear on a postage stamp.), Jack Warner 1896 (Oy, mind my bike.), Tito Gobbi 1913 (A rerr chanter.), Gilbert Becaud 1927 (Another chanter. Trivia: His song Et maintenant was one of the most successful singles in French music history. The English version What Now My Love was a hit for Shirley Bassey, Frank Sinatra, Sonny and Cher, Judy Garland, Elvis Presley, Andy Williams, Old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all, Old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all.), Jiles Perry Richardson 1930 (Who? Oh, the Big Bopper. Trivia: Waylon Jennings gave up his seat on the plane which took off on 3^rd February 1959 because Jape - as his family called him - was running a fever.), Bill Wyman 1936 (Je suis un rock star.), Kevin Kline 1947 (He could have been Batman, you know.), Paul and Barry Ryan 1948 (The Chuckle Brothers.), Dervla Kirwan 1971 (I’m going to be Mary.), Jackie McNamara 1973 (Gizza job.), Wean Rooney 1985 (Footy bloke) and John Ruddy 1986 (Another footy bloke... used to be Motherwell’s goalie.)

Hmm. Anyone in there to give us a toon to gramblerise? Gilbert Becaud? I think not. The Big Bopper? Oh no no no. Paul or Barry Ryan? Nah. What about Bill Wyman? What about a smidgin (They can’t touch you for it.) of Je suis un Rockstar?

Je suis un Grambler
Je avais un residence
Je habiter la
A la south de France

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our bet go last week? Not very well at all. A 50 pees return is all we got. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Southampton vs Leicester - Prediction Home win

Result - Southampton 2 Leicester 2

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Premier League top scorer Jamie ‘Reg’ Vardy scored twice as Leicester came from 2-0 down to draw at Southampton.

Jose ‘Bella’ Fonte's first goal for 18 months gave the hosts the lead, glancing in a header from Dusan Tadic's corner.

Virgil ‘Dick’ van Dijk earlier saw a header cleared off the line, but he doubled the lead with a close-range prod.

Vardy headed the Foxes back into the match, before blasting home his ninth of the season in injury time.

Bad start for The Grambler

 

Middlesbrough vs Fulham - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 0 Fulham 0

Ooh! ‘It the bar again!

Diego Fabbrini and David Nugent were both denied by Fulham's Andy Lonergan, while Dimi Konstantopoulos crucially denied ex-Motherwell striker, Ross McCormack at the other end.

Oh dear, Grambler.

 

Reading vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Reading 1 Charlton 0

Yay! About time.

Ex-Motherwell striker, Nick Blackman scored his ninth goal in nine games as Reading climbed to second with victory over Charlton Athletic.

His second-half header from Lucas Piazon's cross finally made Reading's dominance count after the Addicks were reduced to 10 men.

Defender Patrick ‘Jack’ Bauer picked up a second yellow card as he tripped Blackman on the edge of the area.

 

Coventry vs Blackpool - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 0 Blackpool 0

Ooh! ‘It the bar! Yet again!

Marc Antoine-Fortune, Adam Armstrong, Ryan Kent and Chris Stokes all had first-half chances for the hosts.

Blackpool's best chance fell to Mark Cullen in the second half, but the Seasiders striker fired wide.

Not looking good, Grambler.

 

Notts County vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win

Result - Notts County 2 Yeovil 0

Yay! Phew.

Izale McLeod had County's best first-half chance, beating Arthur Krysiak only to see his effort hit the post.

Adam Campbell also hit the woodwork with a cross-turned-shot for the hosts and Krysiak saved from Liam Noble.

Stanley Aborah's deflected free-kick put the Magpies ahead and McLeod add a second with a well-struck effort.

All together now... Everybody Stanley... Keep it in the family... etc.

Well, that was all a bit sh... disappointing. Can The Grambler make amends this week? There are 50 games taking place at 3pm, Saturday, the 24^th of October; which five has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Result - Odds

Norwich - Prediction Home win - Evens

Brighton - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Oxford Utd - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Morton - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Stranraer - Prediction Home win - 8/11

 

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…

£9.95

That’s not much, is it? Still, if it comes up, it will be our best result of the season so far. Could this be the one? I think I asked that last week [And just about every week for the past two years. - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

Hooray, it’s teaser time. Last week I asked which player Liverpool paid Everton £6 million for in 2000; still a record for a transfer between the clubs. The answer is Nick Barmby.

What about a teaser for this week? How about a current(ish) question? Last weekend Georginio Wijnaldum (Try saying that after downing a couple of sherries.) scored four for Newcastle against Norwich (Hope Norwich's ex-Motherwell goalie, birthday boy, John Ruddy has a better time against West Ham.). Only two other players from the Netherlands have scored hat-tricks in the English Premiershit. Can you name them?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr B. Schweinsteiger who is considering taking legal action against the Chinese company ‘Dragon in Dream’ which produces expensive and life-like war figures. One such is a WWII Nazi officer with the title ‘World War II Army Supply Duty - Bastian’ which bears a striking resemblance to Mr Schweinsteiger, whose forename just happens to be Bastian. A spokesperson for the manufacturer said, “We don't sell any figures which resemble footballers. It is a complete coincidence that the figure 'Bastian' looks like Schweinsteiger. We thought that all Germans look like that. Bastian is also a very common name in Germany.” Hans is a common name in Germany, or Fritz... but Bastian? Is he right to sue? Judge for yourselves.

 

Erm... I think Schweinsteiger is the one on the left.

 

Happy Grambling.

 

 

 

 

 

Week 11 - The Grambler's guide to panurus biarmicus

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

This week’s topic concerns fashion. Sorry pardon excuse me?   Not fashion in general, but a very particular fashion that seems to have happened over the past few months. It is the current trend for men, mainly, to grow big, bushy, f***off beards. When and why did that happen? The last time that type of facial growth was popular was back in the 19^th century. Think W.G. Grace or Charles Darwin. The only more recent examples I can think of were those ZZ Top geetarists. That’s zed zed top where I come from, none of this zee zee nonsense. Oh, I forgot Brian Blessed. Hang on, that isn’t loud enough. BRIAN BLESSED. Still not loud enough. BRIAN BLESSED!!!! GORDON’S ALIVE!!!! A few tramps obviously fit into the category. And new age fathers. You know the ones. Their children wear Laura Ashley dresses and welly boots. Probably called Jocasta or Melanie. And the girls are no better. Boom and, indeed, tish. Suddenly, though, every Tom, Dick and (Prince) Harry are sporting whiskers which make Santa Claus’s look trim. Why is that? Laziness? Perhaps they just can’t be bothered shaving. That isn’t really true though. Often, the beard is bushy but the top of the napper is shaved bald. Perhaps they are trying to pretend that their heads are on upside down.

What does surprise me is that manufacturers of male ‘grooming’ products haven’t latched on to this growing (literally) market...

‘Gentlemen, is your beard greasy and unmanageable? Do people say you look like an old tramp? Then get Glosso. The beard shampoo just for men... and... erm... women... with beards.’

Or...

‘Hey, beardy! Why so glum? Uh oh. It’s that beard doesn’t match the hair moment when you realise that your hair is dark but your beard is ginger. Well, worry no more carrot chops, help is at hand. Use Roman 2000, the colourant made especially for beards. It’s to dye for.’

Another thing I can’t understand is that, while hair styles can be anything from shaven into the wood to being so flamboyant that you wonder how it can remain in such a position, beards are always quite boring in their symmetrical simplicity. I predict a change a coming, though. I’m sure it won’t be long until assymetrical beards become a fashion statement. You read it here first, folks.  How is this for starters?

 

 

 

Panurus biarmicus

 

But am I 200 years too late in my prediction? You what, I hear you ask. Apparently, Frederic Chopin, him off of composing, had a lopsided beard. Seriously. He wanted to follow the beardy fashion of the day, but he had pretty uneven beard growth so it only grew well on one side of his face. He joked that he deliberately grew it that way as audiences only saw one side of his face when he was seated at the old Joanna. Who’d have thought that Chopin actually had a sense of humour?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 17th of October? Why, yes. Exactly, a few. Arthur Miller 1915 (Playwright often more remembered for the fact that he was married to Marilyn Monroe. The headline in the paper the day they wed was ‘Egghead weds Hourglass’. They remained together for only five years. Miller was quoted as saying, ‘I love her too, but our neuroses just don’t match.’), Rita Hayworth 1918 (Cover girl.), Montgomery Clift 1920 (The longest suicide in Hollywood history.), Johnny Haynes 1934 (Footy bloke.), Robert ‘Evel’ Knieval 1938 (Motor cycle nutter. Apparently broke 433 bones in his lifetime. As we only have 206, it is safe to assume that some got broken many times.), Peter Stringfellow 1940 (Trivia: He was a warm-up act on Ready Steady Go in 1964.), Jim Smith 1940 (The Bald Eagle), Gary Puckett 1942 (Rhyming slang.), Vicki Hodge 1946 (A model/actress who has ‘dated’, among others, Yul Brynner, Eliott Gould, David Bailey, Ringo Starr, John Bindon, Rod Stewart, Prince Andrew, Old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all, Old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all.), Cameron Mackintosh 1946 (Trivia: He is the third richest man in the British music industry. (Cue Fluff Freeman impression.) Who is top, then, pop pickers? At number 2, up from number 3, It’s Andrew Lloyd Webber carburettors. That’s right. And it’s a return to number 1 from number 2 for Clive Calder. Not arf. That is dependent on whether ultra-rich Edgar Brontman decides to stay in Britain or not. Right? Orlright.), Dolph Lundgren 1959 (Tree.), Mark Gatiss 1966 (Mama Lazarou.), Ziggy Marley 1968 (David Bowie character.), Ernie Els 1969 (Golfy bloke.), Marshall Mathers 1972 (Hip hop artist better known as Smarty... Hang on...), Wyclef Jean 1972 (A Fugee.) and Kimi Raikkonen 1979 (Car racey bloke.).

Hmm. Anyone in there to give us a toon to gramblerise? Eminem? Do me a favour. Ziggy Marley? I should cocoa. Only one contender: Wyclef Jean of Fugees fame. They had a hit with an old Roberta Flack song...

Grambling my pain with his fingers,
Grambling my life with his words,
Grambling me softly with his song,
Grambling me softly,
With his song grambling my whole life
With his words,
Grambling me softly,
With his song

I was going to gramblerise the Gary Puckett (and his Union Gap) song Young Girl. I had never taken much notice of the lyrics before, but they really were incredibly suspect...

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You're much too young, girl

With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You're old enough to give me Love
And now it hurts to know the truth, oh

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You're much too young, girl

Beneath your perfume and make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it is wrong to be alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes, oh

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You're much too young, girl

So hurry home to your mama
I'm sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here before I have the time
To change my mind
'Cause I'm afraid we'll go too far, oh

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You're much too young, girl

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You're much too young, girl

Young girl, get out of my mind

Hmm.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our bet go last week? Well, after things improving week by week recently, last week we came back to earth with a bump. We didn’t lose exactly, but 77 pees return is a bit rubbish. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

Barnsley vs Crewe - Prediction Home win

Result - Barnsley 1 Crewe 2

Boo!

Crewe registered only their second win of the season as Lauri Dalla Valle's late goal beat Barnsley at Oakwell.

Dalla Valle chested home Adam King's cross after the home side had dominated much of the second half.

Crewe took the lead when midfielder Ryan Colclough picked himself up after being fouled by Alfie Mawson and thumped home the free-kick.

Mawson soon headed the equaliser, but Barnsley paid the price for failing to take a series of chances for a second.

Not a good start for The Grambler.

 

Carlisle vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win

Result - Carlisle 2 Morecambe 3

Boo!

Carlisle captain Danny Grainger put the hosts ahead with a curling 18-yard effort, but Shaun Miller equalised with a 20-yard drive.

Morecambe's leading scorer Tom Barkhuizen raced away to slot his sixth of the season and give them the lead.

Miller made it 3-1 with a close-range finish before Derek Asamoah lashed home a late consolation for Carlisle.

It’s not looking good for The Grambler.

Luton vs York - Prediction Home win

Result - Luton 1 York 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Keith ‘Whispering Ted’ Lowe gave York the lead late in the first half as he picked up John McCombe's pass and fired into the roof of the net.

Luton fought back after the break, with Cameron McGeehan slotting home a penalty after Dan Potts was fouled.

Luke Wilkinson came close to securing victory for Luton, but his header was tipped over by keeper Scott ‘Polly’ Flinders.

Oh dear Grambler; this is awful.

Oxford vs Wimbledon - Prediction Home win

Result - Oxford 1 Wimbledon 0

Phew

Wimbledon created early chances, with Adebayo Azeez having efforts blocked by keeper Sam Slocombe and Jake Wright.

Dons substitute Adebayo Akinfenwa fired over before Oxford midfielder Liam Sercombe's shot hit the bar.

George Baldock finally broke the deadlock from 25 yards, his shot flying past keeper James Shea into the corner of the net.

Queen of the South vs Morton - Prediction Home win

Result - Queen of the South 1 Morton 0

Phew (again)

Derek ‘Tate and’ Lyle headed home Alex ‘Anita’ Harris's cross to give Queens the lead just before the quarter-hour mark.

Ryan Conroy's shot trickled wide and Harris' long-range effort was tipped over as the hosts pushed for a second.

Morton crept back into the game, though, and Alex Samuel had a shot from eight yards out for the visitors, but it went over.

Pretty rubbish predictions from The Grambler. What has he/she/it randomly selected for us this week? A full card this week with 55 games to randomly select from. And The Grambler has chosen these five games which take place on Saturday the 17^th of October at 3pm...

Game - Result - Odds

Southampton vs Leicester - Prediction Home win - 3/4

Middlebrough vs Fulham - Prediction Home win - 11/20

Reading vs Charlton - Prediction Home win - 8/15

Coventry vs Blackpool - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Notts County vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win - 8/13

 

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…

£7.36

That’s not much, is it? Still, if it comes up, it will be our best result of the season so far. Could this be the one? Don’t bet on it. [Isn't that the whole point? - Ed.]

.....oooOooo.....

 

Hooray, it’s teaser time. Two weeks ago I asked you which current national coach had also managed Wycombe, Norwich, Leicester, Celtic, Aston Villa and Sunderland. The answer is the Republic of Oirland’s coach, Martin O’Neill.

Too easy? What about one for this week? For which player did Liverpool pay Everton £6 million in 2000; still a record for a transfer between the clubs?

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr H. Langseth of North Dakota (pictured below) who lived from 1846 til 1927; he began growing his beard at the age of 19 and never shaved it off. 

 

 

Now, that’s a f***off beard.

Happy Grambling.

 

 

 

 

 

Week 10 - The Grambler's tribute to Denis Healey

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Well, there goes another one. There seem to have been a few folk falling off their perches of late - Christopher Lee, Ron Moody, Patrick McNee, Joy Beverley, Brian Sewell - and this week it was the turn of Denis Healey. Dennis? Manufacturer of fire engines? No... Mind you, a Dennis-Healey might have been a good mix; the ‘sports’ fire engine.- Just think how quickly that would have got to a fire... Sorry. Rambling. No, this week Denis Healey, him from off of politics, popped his clogs just two years shy of getting a telegram from Queen Liz. I don’t recall him too well as a politician. I know he was chancellor of the exchequer for a time; I’ve seen pictures of him standing in front of No 11 holding up the battered red budget box. Other than that, I recall he was a caricaturist’s dream with his mop of black hair and those eyebrows. Oh yes, the eyebrows were his trademark. They were possibly the bushiest eyebrows ever seen on a human being; The Muppet, Sam the Eagle, didn’t come close.

Mike Yarwood, Britain’s favourite impressionist of the 60s and 70s, used to take him off and even gave him a catchphrase... ‘What a sillllly billllly.’ All the Ls are there to emphasise just how slowly he uttered the words. Healey never actually said it, of course, but everybody expected him to.

In the late 80s there was a programme on Channel called Saturday Night Live [Excuse me? I thought you were talking about Denis Healey. - Ed.] or Friday Night Live depending which series you were watching [Look, is this relevant? - Ed.]. It introduced us to Harry Enfield as Stavros the Greek kebab shop owner - ‘Allo everybody peeps’ - and his other characters Loadsamoney - ‘Bosh bosh, shum shum’ - and Buggerallmoney - ‘Ah smurk tabs, me.’ It also made a star of Ben Elton aka Motormouth. Future stars, Ade Edmondson and Rik Mayall appeared as the Dangerous Brothers. Liverpool not-very-good poet Craig Charles and ho-hum impressionist Chris Barrie also appeared. Who would have considered them as spacebum, Dave Lister and anally retentive hologram, Arnold Rimmer in Red Dwarf based on those less than starry beginnings (Do you geddit? Starry? Never mind.). [Excuse me for asking, but where is all this leading? - Ed.] Occasionally, this programme threw up some real oddities. One was when ex-politician, Denis Healey [Ahh. - Ed.] walked calmly onto the stage and recited a ‘political’ take on the Marriott Edgar monologue ‘Albert and the Lion’ (See http://www.thegrambler.com/2015/04/week-38-were-grambling-up-pool.html) called ‘Ode to Westminster’ and I make no apologies for including it here. Remember, this was recited by somebody who was a top politician; indeed he has been called the best prime minister Britain has never had, although I recall that was also said of Aneurin Bevan. Before you read the monologue, it might be useful to have a bit of background information so I include this quote from Wikipaedia...

‘The Westland affair in 1985–86 was an episode in which the British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and her Defence Minister Michael Heseltine went public over a complex cabinet dispute with questions raised about integrity and which senior official was not telling the truth.

The argument was a result of differences of opinion as to the future of the British helicopter industry. Westland Helicopters, Britain's last helicopter manufacturer, was to be the subject of a rescue bid. While the Defence Secretary Heseltine favoured a European solution, integrating Westland and British Aerospace (BAe) with Italian (Agusta) and French companies, the Prime Minister and the Trade and Industry Secretary Leon Brittan wanted to see Westland merge with Sikorsky, an American company. Heseltine refused to accept Thatcher's choice and suggested she had lied about it. She had leaked a confidential letter, then tried to cover that up. It resulted in resignations in January 1986 by Heseltine and Brittan. The episode embarrassed the Conservative government of Margaret Thatcher in 1986 and damaged her reputation.’

Okay, history lesson over. Here’s the monologue...

ODE TO WESTMINSTER
as recited by
The Rt. Hon. Denis Healey MP

There's a reet famous place called Westminster,
That's noted for hot air and fun.
And Mr. and Mrs Heseltine,
Went there wi' young Michael, their son.
A grand little lad was young Michael,
In 'is flack jacket, 'e looked a swell,
'e'd a dinky new toy helicopter,
The finest that Westland's could sell.
Well, they didn't think much to the speeches,
The questions was fiddling and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drowneded...
In fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.
So seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the zoo,
Where they'd Leons and Lawsons and Tebbits
And Fowlers and Parkinsons, too.
There were one great big Leon called Brittan,
His nose were all covered in scars.
He lay in a somnulent posture,
With the side of his face on the bars.
Now Michael had 'eard about Leon,
'ow he were ferocious and wild,
And to see Leon lying so peaceful
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.
So straight'way the brave little fella,
Without showin' a morsel of fear,
Took 'is dinky new toy helicopter...
And stuck it right in Leon's ear!
You could see that Leon didn't like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
'E pulled Michael inside cage wi' 'im
And swallowed the little lad whole!
Well, the Prime Minister 'ad to be sent for,
She came and she said "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon Leon's ate Michael...
And 'im in 'is flack jacket, too.
The Prime Minister wanted no bother,
She took out 'er purse, rightaway,
Saying, "How much to settle the matter?"
Pa said, "What d'ya usually pay?"
But mother 'ad turned a bit awkward,
When she thought where 'er Michael 'ad gone,
She said, "Someone's got to be summonsed...
And that was decided upon.
So they complained to t'Defence Committee...
But the witnesses called, never came,
And the chairman, 'e gave 'is opinion...
That no-one was really to blame.
At that, mother got proper blazin'...
"And thank you sir, kindly!" said she,
"What!!!... spend all our lives raising Michaels,
To feed ruddy Leons... NOT ME!!!"

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 10th of October? Why, yes. Literally, some. Giuseppe Verdi 1813 (Translation - Joe Green), Fridtjof Nansen 1861 (How is that first name pronounced? Fridge off? Quite apt, given he was an Arctic explorer.), Thelonious Monk 1917 (Religious law breaker), Nicholas Parsons 1923 (Religious commandos), Ed Wood 1924 (Officially, the worst film director of all time.), Harold Pinter 1930 (Possibly the greatest playwright of the 20^th century. Clever bloke he was. He said, ‘Apart from the known and unknown, what else is there?’ Er... wise words, mate.), Daniel Massey 1933 (Ectaw, dear laddie. Abraham Farlan’s son. Ooh, obscure one there.), Judith Chalmers 1935 (Trivia: She never wore knickers when she was working on Wish You Were Here. Who’d have thunk it?), Peter Coyote 1941 (The Roadrunner’s nemesis.), Charles Dance 1946 (Strangely, he never does.), Chris Tarrant 1946 (Don’t mention the armadillo.), Midge Ure 1953 (Midge Ure? This means nothing to me.), David Lee Roth 1954 (Trivia: Climbs mountains. Never married. Speaks Spanish.), Chris Lowe 1959 (The other Pet Shop Boy.), Kirsty McColl 1959 (Scumbag and maggot.), Martin Kemp 1961 (Ah’m an actor, ent I?) and Matthew Pinsent 1970 (Row, row, row your boat.),

Now, who amongst that lot could provide us with a toon to gramblerise? I think the honour should go to Spandau Ballet bassist, Martin Kemp...

With a thrill in my head and a pill on my tongue
Gramble the nerves that have just begun
Grambling to Marvin (all night long)
This is the sound of my soul,
This is the sound...

Hmm... Doesn’t work does it. However, can somebody please explain the next few lines to me...

Always slipping from my hands,
Sands a time of it's own
Take your seaside arms and write the next line
Oh I want the truth to be known

What the f... What are seaside arms? Is a pub? You know, like the King’s Arms. It’s got me stumped.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our bet go last week? We made an improvement on last week. Yay! Again. Yes, this week The Grambler’s predictions brought us a return of £2.00 instead of the £1.79 of the previous week. Woo! Here is just a quick rundown of the results.

 

Derby vs Brentford - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby 2 Brentford 0

Yay!

Gillingham vs Oldham - Prediction Home win

Result - Gillingham 3 Oldham 3

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Hartlepool vs Luton - Prediction Away win

Result - Hartlepool 1 Luton 4

Yay!

Plymouth vs Crawley - Prediction Home win

Result - Plymouth 2 Crawley 1

Yay!

Portsmouth vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 0 Yeovil 0

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

 

So near and yet so far. What has The Grambler randomly selected for us this week? Not many games to select from thanks to international games and cup matches, but he/she/it has come up with these five games which take place on Saturday the 10^th of October at 3pm...

Game - Result - Odds

Barnsley vs Crewe - Prediction Home win - 3/5

Carlisle vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win - 5/4

Luton vs York - Prediction Home win - 21/20

Oxford vs Wimbledon - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Queen of the Southg vs Morton - Prediction Home win - Evens

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…

£13.30

Could this be our first big winner of the season? Don’t hold your breath.

 

.....oooOooo.....

Answer to last week’s teaser next week.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Happy Grambling.

 

 

 

 

 

Week 9 - Quit smoking the grambling way

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Do you know what news item newsreaders dread the most? Having to read out that some company has laid off staff and having to use the words ‘jobs blow’. Their fear is that they might mix up the order of the words ‘jobs’ and ‘blow’.

What an odd way to begin this week’s (g)ramble. You will understand why I began it like that, shortly (Don’t call me Shortly.). What has caught my ire this week? Smokers [Again? You’ve done that. - Ed.]. You know that I don’t agree with smoking. To be honest, I can’t even understand it. Who came up with the crazy idea of sticking some leaves in the gob and setting fire to it? Any road up, it isn’t so much smokers that I am thinking of; more those that are trying to quit smoking by sucking on those contraptions known as electronic cigarettes. Do they realise how suspect they look? Suspect, you ask. Indeed. They caress this phallic-looking object, then they put their mouth to it and... Maybe it’s just me that’s got a filthy mind but it all looks just a bit too much like the old Cadbury’s Flake advert. Do you remember that one? It was a bit near the knuckle, wasn’t it? Comedians (and I use that word in a pretty loose sense), Hale and Pace, nailed it when they altered the words of that advert to ‘Only the horniest, porniest advert claims it’s for chocolate, but we know the score.’

All this set me thinking. [Dangerous. - Ed.] Perhaps that is the way to make everyone stop smoking. How? Embarrass them. Point out that the only reason they smoke is to send out the message that they want to indulge in a particular type of sexual activity. I have alluded to it enough already, so I don’t think I need actually name it [Thank goodness for that. - Ed.]. Already, smokers are treated like lepers by being made to stand outside buildings; if people started equating smoking with blow... that sexual activity, smokers would be shunned completely. If a bloke continued to smoke, I reckon his friends would soon desert him. And any woman that smoked; well, she’d be no better than she ought to be.

What a brilliant plan. How do we go about putting this message across? Well, if anyone says they are nipping out for a quick fag, just start a wee snigger and, if there is anyone else with you, indulge in an elbow nudge or two, a wink perhaps. Smokers would soon get the message and give it up on the spot.

No, no, don’t thank me for eradicating smoking; just look on it as my gift to you.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 3rd of October? Why, yes. Quite a few. Michael Hordern 1911 (Ectaw. Played Bob Marley in that Scrooge film.), Alfred Wight 1916 (Who? Oh, James Herriot. All Creatures Great and Small bloke.[That was God, surely. - Ed.] Don’t call me Shirley), Gore Vidal 1925 (Hairdresser who sang ‘It’s My Party’.), Steve Reich 1936 (Radio 2 DJ.), Eddie Cochran 1938 (Whop, whop, whop.), Ernest Evans 1941 (Who? Oh Chubby Checker. Didn’t he invent that game, Twister?), Lindsey Buckingham 1949 (A man with a girl’s name who used to live with a girl with a boy’s name. Eh?), Stevie Ray Vaughn 1954 (Frankie’s lad), Fred Couples 1959 (Golfy bloke.), Greg Proops 1959 (Agony aunt.), Tommy Lee 1962 (Home movie maker.), Clive Owen 1964 (Ectaw. Son of Compo.) and Gwen Stefani 1969 (Singer, songwriter, fashion designer, ectaw... in fact, a right old clever boots.).

Now, who amongst that lot could provide us with a toon to gramblerise? There is a few to choose from. Not Chubby Checker, because we had Let’s gramble again last year. I think Eddie Cochran is the man...

A look a-there, here she comes
There comes that girl again
Wanted to gramble her since I don't know when
But she don't gramble me when I pass
She grambles all the guys from outa my class
But that can't stop me from a-gramblin' to myself
She's sure fine-gramblin' man, she's something else

What can I say? That really was something else.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our bet go last week? We made an improvement on last week. Yay! Yes, this week The Grambler’s predictions brought us a return of £1.79 instead of the £1.55 of the previous week. Woo! Here is just a quick rundown of the results.

Liverpool vs Aston Villa - Prediction Home win

Result - Liverpool 3 Aston Villa 2

Yay!

Reds midfielder James Milner opened the scoring after 66 seconds against his former club from 20 yards.

Striker Daniel Sturridge - scoring his first goal since March - doubled their lead after the break with a volley following a one-two with Milner, but Rudy Gestede pulled one back from close range.

Sturridge scored his second from Philippe Coutinho's pass, but Gestede gave Villa hope with a fine header.

Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers had been under pressure after six games without a win, other than Wednesday's League Cup penalty shootout victory over Carlisle.

 

 

Aston Villa keeper Brad Guzan

sporting an example of his

football-based headwear

 

Southampton vs Swansea - Prediction Home win

Result - Southampton 3 Swansea 1

Yay!

Virgil ‘Dick’ van Dijk scored his first goal for Southampton who eased to a comfortable victory over Swansea.

The Dutch centre-back, who signed from Celtic in the summer for £13m, headed in at the near post to give the Saints an 11th minute lead.

Dusan Tadic made it 2-0 after the break when his attempted cross went in off Ki Sung-yueng before Sadio Mane slotted in the third from inside the area.

Gylfi Sigurdsson scored a penalty for the Swans in the 83rd minute.

 

Bradford vs Peterborough - Prediction Home win

Result - Bradford 0 Peterborough 2

Boo!

Lee ‘Acute’ Angol and Chris Forrester made it seven points from three matches since the sacking of Peterborough manager Dave Robertson.

Angol tapped in after Marcus Maddison's low shot was saved, before Forrester rifled home when Souleymane Coulibaly's effort was deflected.

 

Shrewsbury vs Blackpool - Prediction Home win

Result - Shrewsbury 2 Blackpool 0

Thrice Yay!

The hosts, who had lost their four opening League One matches at home, came close when away goalkeeper Colin Doyle denied Tyrone Barnett's strike.

Blackpool struggled to create, finally falling behind when Larnell Cole set up Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro to drill home on 73 minutes.

Five minutes later, Cole then set up Akpa Akpro to lift it over Doyle.

 

Walsall vs Crewe - Prediction Home win

Result - Walsall 1 Crewe 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Tom Bradshaw opened the scoring with a bullet header from an Anthony Forde cross as Walsall made a fast start.

But defender Ben Nugent equalised for Crewe on 18 minutes with a left-foot shot from the edge of the penalty area.

Forde missed the best chance to take all three points when he scuffed an effort wide from close range, before full-back Jason Demetriou hit the bar.

 

Tom Bradshaw panics as he realises

that he can't close his mouth.

 

Let’s see what The Grambler comes up with this week. Can he/she/it predict his/her/its way to profit for once? Come on Grambler, it isn’t much to ask. So, here are your five selections from this week’s games (all take place at 3pm on Saturday the 3rd of October.

Game - Result - Odds

Derby vs Brentford - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Gillingham vs Oldham - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Hartlepool vs Luton - Prediction Away win - 13/10

Plymouth vs Crawley - Prediction Home win - 3/5

Portsmouth vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win - 2/5

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…

£9.35

Could this be our first big winner of the season? Doubt it.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time! Yay! Last week I asked you who was the last British player to be the top scorer in a Champions League or European Cup competition. The answer was a certain player for, and later manager of, Rangers - Mr Alistair Murdoch McCoist. Last I heard, he was about to reach a settlement with his former employer (Rangers) after a nine month spell on ‘gardening leave’.

One for this week? Which current national coach (as in football, not buses) has formerly managed Wycombe, Norwich, Leicester, Celtic, Aston Villa and Sunderland? Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to those chappies who took care of the Cadbury’s advertising account in the 1960s. This advert for their 'Flake'  may well have been banned. If it wasn’t, it certainly should have been. I am sure it would have prompted Mary Whitehouse to write a few letters of complaint to the advertising authorities.

 

Happy Grambling.