Thursday 21 November 2013

Week 12 - Do you like good grambling?

Do you like good grambling?

Yeah yeah

Sweet soul grambling

Yeah yeah

Just as long as it’s grambling

Yeah yeah

Oh yeah, Oh oh yeah

That was a gramblerised version of Sweet Soul Music, a little toon by Arthur Conley.  Why?  Well, the great man died ten years ago this week.

Ooh..that’s a bit blibbing dispressing that is.  Arthur Conley Doyle?  And why did you pick that one?  Daftest song ever, that.  Do you like good music?  No, as a marter of farct, I don’t.  Who’s going to say that?  Now me, I happen to apprecicate the more highbrown forms of music.  I particularlarly like the works of Black Lace, Jive Bunny and Max Bygraves.  You knew where you were with Max Bygone.  Every song meaningful and full of meaning with lyrics that meant something.  And the words were important too.  Who can forget that classic ‘Silly billy….erm… horse’s doodah…erm… cats eat jelly… something something by the sea’?  I know I can’t.  You can keep your Arthur Condom, Max Byways is the one for me.  What was that other one he did?  Famous one.  It was his Sidney Archer tune.  The one about keeping chickens.  Ooh.. I know. ‘You need hens’…etc. etc. ad infinitum.

Ahem.  Let us gramble.

All the games for The Grambler to select from take place at 3pm Saturday the 23rd of November.  For once, we have a full card to choose from; 57 games from the four English and four Scottish senior divisions.

I have just been given The Grambler’s predictions for this week.  Thank you Arthur.  Hmm.  Well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – ARGHH!

Game – Prediction – Odds

Hull vs Crystal Palace – Away win – 15/4

For our first encounter of the day The Grambler takes us to the KC (with or without his Sunshine Band?) Stadium where the Tigers play host to the Eagles.  Oh dear.  Grambler, you’ve done it again.  There’s Hull sitting 12th in the table having won 4 games and drawn 2 out of 11 played.  Then there’s Crystal Palace sitting right at the bottom on 4 points (1 won, 1 drawn and 9 – yes 9 – lost).  So what does The Grambler do?  Only predicts that Crystal Palace will win.  Away from home too.  I despair, I really do.  But hold on there Bald Eagle (that was a reference to an old advert for…I can’t remember what, but it seemed quite apt) take a look at the head to heads over the past 3 years – 6 played – 4 drawn – 2 won by…wait for it…Crystal Palace.  Does The Grambler know something I don’t [Probably – Ed] or is he/she/it just wrong – again.

Rotherham vs Carlisle United – Away win – 4/1

Phew, it’s a good job for the Millers that they are hosts to the Cumbrians at the New York Stadium.  Eh?  New York?  In Rotherham?  Carlisle aren’t very nice to folk who go to Brunton Park, suggesting that they don’t know how to use a toilet.  Any road up, The Grambler reckons Carlisle should take the points here.  This is one of those games that could go either way.  No it isn’t.  It’s a game that Rotherham sitting 9th should win.  Come on, how can Carlisle (16th) possibly win this?  Put it another way, how can Carlisle, who haven’t won since 22nd October, beat Rotherham, who haven’t lost since 26th October?  Do you see what I’m getting at here?  Take a look at those odds - 4 to bloody 1.  Grambler, it’s not going to happen.

Plymouth Argyle vs Dagenham & Redbridge – Away win – 23/10

For our third match we go to Home Park where the Pilgrims play host to the Daggers (well, that’s a nickname I didn’t expect, he said sarcastically).  The Grambler reckons that the Daggers will take all the points here and, given that they sit 7th in the table and the Pilgrims are in 18th place, it looks on paper (laptop) as if he/she/it has got this one right.  But hold on there Bald…oh, I’ve done that one already…the Pilgrims have had a good spell of late and haven’t lost since 19th October whereas the Daggers, though still doing quite well, did lose to Hartlepool on 2nd November.  I mean, Hartlepool.  Come on.  But there is more.  Over the past 3 years’ head to heads, 3 games have been drawn and 3 have been won by…wait for it (sorry, I’ve done that one already as well)…Plymouth Argyle.  In fact it is almost 12 years since D & G won against the Pilgrims.  Hmm.  Maybe The Grambler hasn’t got it right after all.


Kilmarnock vs Motherwell – Home win – 11/5

Bugger it!  I knew this would happen eventually.  And I’ve got to bet against my own team.  Bugger it!  Now, I’ve got to view this as an impartial observer.  How the hell can a bunch of heifers like them beat the gazelles that are Motherwell? [Impartial you said.  Now, get on with it – Ed].  Okay.  Start again.  For our penultimate game, The Grambler takes us to Rugby Park where Killie play host to the greatest team that ever [Impartial! – Ed]…the Steelmen.  The Grambler has predicted that Kilmarnock will win.  Normally at this point there would be a long line of the word ‘ha’, but I shall remain calm.  Kilmarnock are sitting in second bottom spot in the table having won only 2 games in 13.  If bottom-placed Hearts had not started the season on minus 15 points, Kilmarnock would have been bottom right now.  Motherwell, sit in 4th spot.  Doing pretty well, in fact.  What about previous meetings?  Over the past year and a half the two have met 5 times.  I know.  Crazy, isn’t it?  5 times.  That’s Scottish football and its 4 mini-leagues for you.  Anyway, in those games it has been all square; 2 wins each and a draw.  The one game played this season went Motherwell’s way, so maybe it is Kilmarnock’s turn this week.

Of course, I could say I was thinking the same way as Peter Cook (the famous writer/comedian/raconteur/club owner etc.).  He was a lifelong Spurs supporter, but always bet on the opposing team.  Why?  He figured that whether his team won or lost, he won.  So, if Motherwell win, I am happy.  If they lose, I am happy that some money may be going to the Bobby Moore Fund.  A win win situation if you like. I can't believe I used that cliché.


Raith Rovers vs Queen of the South – Draw – 5/2

And finally, Cyril?  And finally, Esther The Grambler takes us to Stark’s Park where the Rovers (there’s original) [sarky get – Ed] play host to the Doonhamers.  The Grambler has predicted that this encounter will end as a draw.  Hmm.  Not sure about that.  The Rovers currently sit 3rd on 22 points.  Queens are in 7th place on 15 points.  We can’t really compare head to heads as Queen of the South were only promoted to the Scottish Championship (Division 2!!!) this year.  The game between the two earlier this season was won 1-0 by the Rovers.  As that game was played at Palmerston Park, you would have to favour Rovers to do it again now that they have the home advantage.  Don't want to say it Grambler, but I think you are wrong again.

So that’s it fellow gramblers, all five predictions are in and the bet has been placed.  The odds are a stupendous 877/1 which means if my 20 pee accumulator bet comes up the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of over 175 quids.  Woo hoo!

I know what you're thinking; what about the cowardy bet?  Well, if all five games were to go as predicted by The Grambler, the cowardy doubles bet would bring in an additional 30 quids.

Is this the week?  Has The Grambler selected the 5 that will bring in over 200 quids?  Erm…doubt it.  Every game has got pretty long odds.  There is a reason for that.  That reason is that none of these matches is expected to go The Grambler has predicted.  By all means, have a wee bet, but I can’t see it winning this week.

Hey, but what if it did?  Woo hoo!

Finally, apropos [ooh, get her – Ed] nothing, I thought you might appreciate a page out of my grandson’s Thomas the Tank Engine book.


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