Friday 17 January 2014

Week 20 - Goldilocks and the Three Bears

As this is The Grambler’s one hundredth post, I thought it would be nice to start things a little differently.  So this week we begin with a nice story for the kiddiwinks.


Hello children and welcome to story time.  Are you sitting comfortably?  Then I’ll begin.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who was called Goldilocks.  One day Goldilocks went for a walk in the woods.  On her own.  Nobody with her.  That’s just asking for trouble.  Any road up, she comes upon a little house which belonged to three bears.  I say house.  It was more of a cave.  Bears tend to live in caves rather than houses.  Goldilocks, being a nosey little cow, decides to go in.

Luckily, the bears weren’t at home; they had gone into the woods for a walk.  Although, as bears don’t really just go for walks, it is safer to assume that they were foraging for food.  It’s what bears do.

Goldilocks goes into the house, sorry, cave expecting to find something nice to eat.  Porridge, perhaps.  I know, not only nosey; stupid too.  Well, obviously there wasn’t any porridge; bears are not renowned for their cooking skills.

Well, thinks Goldilocks, maybe there is somewhere to sit; a chair perchance.  Again she is wrong; bears’ carpentry skills are non-existent.

F*** this for a game of soldiers, thinks Goldilocks and being a bit tired decides to have a lie down.  So she looks for some beds, but all she can find are three piles of twigs.  She tries one pile only to discover that it is a bit uncomfortable.  It’s a pile of twigs, that’s why.  She tries a second pile only to discover the same problem.  Finally, she tries the third pile and is so knackered with all this thinking, she falls asleep.

Presently, the bears return to their cave.  A father bear, a mother bear and a baby bear perhaps?  Extremely unlikely, as bears are basically solitary creatures.  The only time a male encounters a female is when they wish to mate.  More likely that this trio is a mother and her two cubs.

Was their foraging trip successful?  We will never know.  What we do know is that the mother bear’s instinct is to protect her cubs and when Goldilocks awakes, sees the three bears and screams, mother bear gives her one swipe with her claw and kills her.  And as we all know, bears are omnivorous, so they all have a damn good feed on Goldilocks’ remains.

And they all lived happily ever after or at least until their next meal.

Wasn’t that a nice story?


Now what has a nice story got to do with The Grambler?  Nothing, do I hear you say?  Well as a matter of fact it leads me very nicely into this week’s gramble introduction.  An introduction to an introduction if you like.  How, I hear you ask.

You see, bears are creatures which eat when they are able to and/or need to.  Thus, bears never need to go on a diet.  Have you ever seen a bear at a slimming club meeting?  Well, there you are then.  Just proves my point.

Us humans though; we’re just greedy buggers.  Put too much food in front of us and, chances are, we will eat more than we need to.  That is exactly what happened to me over the Christmas period.  I ate more food than I needed and that, coupled with taking less exercise than I should have done, means that I am heavier now than I would like to be.

What can I do about it?  Well, I am now on the Gramblerplan diet – the diet that really works.  How?  Simple – eat less and exercise more.  And as an added incentive I vow to put one pound (dosh) into the Bobby Moore Fund for every one pound (fat) that I lose.

I am pleased to say that loads of other fans of The Grambler have joined in and have vowed to do the same – Thanks to you both.

I want to encourage any other tubbies out there to join me in this great way of getting fit and giving to charity.  A good slogan might encourage you.  How about ‘Lose weight and money at the same time’.  Maybe not.  Leave it with me.  I’ll think of something.


Let’s get on with the grambling.  First up, last week’s results.  Let’s just say, The Grambler made a right old bollocks of it.  Not one right prediction.  Is it worth saying more?  No.


So, we go straight to this week’s predictions.  Great news. There is a full programme of games this Saturday the 18th of January.  Sixty games to choose from and all taking place at the correct footbally time of 3pm.  So, let’s have a look what The Grambler has come up with.  


Game – Result – Odds

Crystal Palace vs Stoke City – Home win – 27/20

For our first game this week, The Grambler takes us to Selhurst Park where the Eagles play host to the Potters and a home win is predicted.  Although Stoke are in 12th spot and Palace are propping up the table in 24th spot, only 5 points separate the two.  The Grambler could well have this one right.  He/she/it has probably taken into consideration the significance of this game for Crystal Palace’s manager Tony Pulis (he of the black baseball cap fame).  This is the first meeting against his old club.  He will be out to prove something; that he is a better manager than the man in his old job, Mark Hughes.  Interesting one.  I think I’ll go with The Grambler on this one.

Carlisle United vs Colchester United – Home win – 6/5

For our second game we go up to Brunton Park where the Cumbrians play host to the ‘U’s’.  The Grambler reckons that Carlisle can improve on their 2014 form (2 played, 2 lost) and give us a win.  There is every possibility.  Both teams sit mid table-ish with Colchester in 13th spot and Carlisle 4 places below that.  They are separated by only 4 points.  With home advantage, Carlisle could well prove The Grambler right.

Crewe Alexandra vs Leyton Orient – Away win – 19/20

Game number 3 and we are off to Alexandra Stadium where the Railwaymen play host to the ‘O’s’ (for some reason I’m reminded of an old Two Ronnies’ sketch; can’t think why).  The Grambler has predicted that the Letter O’s will win.  Can’t argue with that given that Orient sit in second spot on 54 points while Crewe are 20 places lower on 24 points.  Once again, I have to agree The Grambler on this one.

St Johnstone vs Heart of Midlothian – Home win – 1/3

We head over the border now for our 4th selection.  The Grambler takes us to McDiarmid Park where the Saints take on the Jambos.  Not surprisingly, The Grambler has predicted that St Johnstone will win this one.  Poor old Jambos; without a win since November 9th and taking only 2 points from the last 9 games.  Because of all the financial problems at the club and going into administration, Hearts started the season on minus 15 points.  Now, after 22 games they are still on minus 2.  Can’t believe this!  I’m in agreement with The Grambler.  Again.

Berwick Rangers vs Stirling Albion – Away win – 9/5

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, we head back across the border into England for this Scottish League 2 (4!!!) game.  Don’t ask.  The Grambler takes us to Shielfield Park where the Black & Gold play host to the Binos.  The Grambler reckons that Stirling (3rd top) will beat Berwick (3rd bottom).  Normally, I would agree wholeheartedly, but Berwick have a new gaffer (see, I know all the footbally jargon) in player/manager Colin Cameron who only took charge on Tuesday.  A new boss might be enough to spur them on.  Don’t know if I agree with The Grambler on this one; I reckon Berwick might get a point.


So that’s it my little grambling chums.  The predictions are in, the bet is placed (the usual one 20 pee accumulator and ten 20 pee doubles) and if it all goes our way, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of….Da da da da da…


That’s sixteen not seventy six.  Not much, I hear you say.  Well, that’s because The Grambler has played it so safe.  Could this be the week?  The week.  Can The Grambler finally pull off the big one?  Maybe.  Maybe.

Happy grambling.


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