Post 429 - A stand-up gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

 

Story time...

'Hello George.  Not seen you in a while.  Are you going to tell us a joke?'

'Yes and it's a good un... What do you get if you cross a horse with a skunk?'

'Haha.  Yes, that is good... I don't get it.'

‘That's not the joke.  You've got to respond and I'll give the punchline?'

'Oh right, I've got to correspond.  Yes, of course.
My response to that is that it is a complete impossibility.  You can cross a horse with a donkey and get a mule.  That's possible... Why is it called a mule?  I've never understood that bit.  If you cross a lion with a tiger, it's called a liger, or a tigon which makes some sense.  But mule?  Or hinny.  I forgot about that.  Something to do with whether the horse or the donkey is the mother... or indeed the father.  You would reckon that a cross between a horse and a donkey would be a dorse, or a honkey... Maybe not.  I wonder if you can cross horses with zebras.  A zorse?  Hebra?  And would it still be stripy?  That's one to ponder.

Any road up, getting back to your question, I think any combination of horse and skunk would need some scientific interinvention.  A bit of genital engineering. That's a step too far. It'd be like that book by Bombadier Billy Wells, The Island of Doctor Poirot, I think it was called. Ooh, that was scary... he'd got all these animals to evolve into humans, well sort of. He'd got them all talking and walking on their hind legs... a bit like George Oh well did in that book where the animals chase the owner from the farm. Then the animals on this farm take over. The animals actually run the farm. Then the animals on the farm start squabbling. Can't remember what it was called.

You couldn't really call that genital engineering though... there was no cross fertiliser going on.

Hmm... a horse with a skunk... No, I don't know. What's the answer? Oh. He's gone.

How very rude.'

 

A dorse

Story time proper...

I've had an idea. [Uh oh. Dangerous. - Ed.] It's a sure fire way to make money. I'm going to start producing lecterns. [Not dangerous. Just daft. What is a lectern, anyway?- Ed. ]

A lectern is that thing a speaker places his book on when he is standing to give his speech. They are used in churches a lot.

So why do I think producing lecterns would be a good business plan? [Exactly what I was thinking. - Ed.] Because sitting down is dangerous. And I'm not just talking about spilling hot dinner over yourself (I'm always doing that) dangerous; I'm talking about bad for your health dangerous.

There has been a health study which concludes that sitting down too much is worse for you than being old, being a smoker or being fat. Hard to believe but, apparently, the figures do stack up.

The main perpetrator of the study is so confident of the findings that she does not have chairs in her home. Not for her to sit on, at least... maybe some for visitors. The nearest thing to a chair that she uses is a high stool-like contraption that she can lean against. She calls it perching. Whenever she uses her computer she lies on a chaise longue... one of those couch things that can’t quite seem to make its mind up. Am I a sofa with arms or without? Tell you what, I’ll have an arm at one end and nothing at the other.

I am not making this up... well, the talking sofa bit, yes, but not the having no chairs bit. And she isn't just some wild eccentric. She is a professor, so she must be clever. Right?

Unfortunately her findings do not bode well for me. I sit a lot, especially when I am writing such interesting articles as these. [You're confusing 'interesting article' with 'complete drivel'. - Ed.] No I'm not. This is all absolutely true. So, I plan to construct a lectern for myself, or a perching stool.

In future, when Mrs G berates me for sitting around, too much, I can counter that I am not sitting around, I am standing around... or perching. [Who's a pretty boy? - Ed.]

So there you are. My business plan is to make lots of lecterns so that you can place a book or tablet on it and work away as if you were sitting at a desk... only you wouldn't be sitting, you'd be standing. [Or perching? - Ed.]

Think of it, though. Businesses wouldn't have to purchase lots of big bulky desks and chairs taking up acres of space. A person standing at a lectern wouldn't take up much room at all. You could get twice as many in the same building site. [Do you think that's all right? - Ed.] It's a terrific plan. Everybody wins. The health of the workers improves and companies could save a fortune by not having to rent huge office buildings. Brilliant or what? [What, definitely. - Ed.]

Righty ho, no time like the present. Let's get started.

Dear Mr/Mrs Dragon's Den...

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 20th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Charles Lamb 1900 - Actor. One of those faces you saw on all the UK TV dramas of the 60s and 70s. Who can forget The Porter in Department S or Old Man and Elderly Victim in The Bill and Orderly in Quatermass? Probably everyone. Guess how many credits on IMDb... 184. Wow.

Geoffrey Sumner 1908 - Actor. Seemed to have cornered the market in playing high-ranking military types. Major Upshot-Bagley in The Army Game.

Alistair Cooke 1908 - Journalist and broadcaster.

Dulcie Gray 1915 - Ectress. Kate Harvey in Howard’s Way.

Harry Worth 1917 - Comedian.

Kathie Kay 1918 - Singer. Appeared on The Billy Cotton Band Show a lot. This is her most famous toon, We Will Make Love.  [I'm shocked.  That ought to have been banned by the Beeb Beeb Ceeb. - Ed.]

Timothy Evans 1924 - Man wrongly accused of murder.

Terry Hall 1926 - Ventriloquist.

Bernard Horsfall 1930 - Actor. Dr Philip Martell in Enemy at the Door. Him.

Bill Wallis 1936 - Actor. Gaoler Ploppy in Blackadder II. Him.

Brian Hall 1937 - Actor. Terry the cook in Fawlty Towers. Him.

Vivien Neves 1947 - Page 3 model. Ask your dad.

Gary Green 1950 - Musician. Multi-instrumentalist with Gentle Giant. Time for a clip. Here’s Proclamation.

Kenneth McDonald 1950 - Actor. Gunner ‘Nobby’ Clark in It Ain’t Half Hot Mum. Him.

Kit Watkins 1953 - Musician. One-time keyboard maestro with one of my favourite prog bands, Camel. Fancy a clip? Here’s a track he wrote, Eye of the Storm

Mary Sandeman 1954 - Singer. Perhaps better known as Aneka, singing this (not very woke) song, Japanese Boy.

Paul King 1960 - Musician and TV presenter. Had a hit, you know. He did and all. Here it is, Love and Pride.

Jamie Smith 1980 - Fitba guy.

Kimberley Walsh 1981 - A Girl Aloud. Have a clip. Here’s The Promise.

Scott Hutchison 1981 - Musician. Founding member of Mastersystem, a band which ended with his suicide in 2018. Here he is with his last release from the band’s only album, Old Team.  A warning: the language is a bit ripe.

Andrea Riseborough 1981 - Actress. Svetlana in The Death of Stalin. Her.

Ryan O’Donnell 1982 - Actor and singer. Works a lot with Ian Anderson. Who? You know, him from off of Jethro Tull... The one that plays the flute standing on one leg [Don’t be daft, flutes don’t have legs. - Ed.] Here he is on a clip from Thick as a Brick 2 or TAAB 2, Swing It Far.

Justin Hoyte 1984 - Footy bloke.

Grant Hanley 1991 - Fitba guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Grambly Green,

Wonderful to hear a track from that wonderful, but sadly underrated, band Gentle Giant of which you were a part. We were wondering, from which album did the track ‘Proclamation’ come?

Yours interestedly,

Dee Power, Andy Glory.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Well, we won. Yay! Sort of. Not Yay! We got £2.04 back from our £2.20 bet. Oh dear. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Exeter vs Oldham - Home win

Result - Exeter 2 Oldham 1

Yay!

Oldham started well, with Jamie Bowden and Benny Couto both missing good chances to break the deadlock.

After overcoming a slow start, Exeter went in front on 17 minutes when Josh Key's cross picked out Jay and he swivelled and fired a shot into the far corner from six yards.

The Grecians started the second half well, with Brown capitalising on a defensive mistake to score in the 50th minute.

Brown had a glorious chance to make it 3-0 when he latched on to a poor back-pass, but he rolled his shot wide of the near post with only the goalkeeper to beat.

Oldham pulled a goal back when Bowden let fly from distance to score a screamer six minutes from time but, despite late pressure, they could not find an equaliser.

 

Arbroath vs Queen of the South - Home win

Result - Arbroath 1 Queen of the South 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The clearest first-half chance fell to Queens' Innes Cameron, who screwed wide when it looked easier to score, having earlier had a goal ruled offside.

He made amends shortly after the break, netting a diving header from Max Johnston's cross.

Hoever, Arbroath's pressure paid off when Michael McKenna smashed home.

Queens should have regained the lead in the final 10 minutes when Ally Roy played in Cameron, but he drilled a shot past the post.

 

Inverness CT vs Dunfermline - Home win

Result - Inverness CT 1 Dunfermline 2

Boo!

The visitors fell behind to a close-range Billy Mckay strike after Michael Gardyne's shot hit the post.

Dunfermline overturned Inverness CT's dominance after the break and Lewis McCann slid in Aaron Comrie's cross before Dom Thomas found the top corner with an 18-yard strike.

Home substitute Anthony MacDonald and Scott Allardice both sent efforts wide and Lewis Jamieson had a shot effort cleared off the line.

 

Morton vs Kilmarnock - Away win

Result - Morton 0 Kilmarnock 2

Yay!

The hosts were the better side for the opening half hour but Blair Alston's strike from a Chris Burke pass turned the tide.

Burke then provided the assist for Oli Shaw to quickly double the lead.

 

East Fife vs Airdrieonians - Away win

Result - East Fife 0 Airdrieonians 1

Yay!

Where’s the match report? Sorry, this is a game from Scottish League division doesn’t matter, so the Beeb where I nick source my reports don’t cover it.

 

Oh well, let’s see if The Grambler can give us a wee profit this week...

Game - Result - Odds

Sheffield Utd vs Coventry - Home win - 10/11

Middlesbrough vs Millwall - Home win - 19/20

Swansea vs Blackpool - Home win - 5/6

MK Dons vs Burton - Home win - 3/4

Portsmouth vs Wimbledon - Home win - 3/4

Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.38

Ten pees less whopping than last week. [That’s ten pee less that you won’t win. - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born near Paris in 1993. I began my senior career at Manchester United before moving to Juventus. I returned to Man U after four years at Juventus for a transfer fee of £89 million. I have been capped for France 89 times.

Answer - Paul Pogba

2. Which club plays at The New Den?

Answer - Millwall

3. Which famous first will always be held by Keith Peacock?

Answer - He was the first player as a sub in the Football League

4. What country do Brondby come from?

Answer - Denmark

5. Name all the teams with ‘Athletic’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).

Answer - Six: Oldham Athletic, Millwall Athletic, Aberdare Athletic, Charlton Athletic, Bournemouth & Boscombe Athletic and Wigan Athletic

 

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? Would you like another five for this week? Of course you would.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1961 in Erlangen, Germany. My senior career began at Borussia Mönchengladbach in 1979. I then moved to Bayern Munich, then Inter Milan and then back to Bayern Munich. I was capped 150 times for West Germany/Germany, making me the most capped German player ever. I played in five World Cup campaigns and hold the record for the most World Cup matches played (25). In 1991 I was named as FIFA’s first World Player of the Year.

2. What country did Mike England play for?

3. Tom Finney made 433 appearances for which team?

4. Who has managed Coventry City, Southampton, Celtic and Middlesbrough?

5. Name all the teams with ‘City’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date)... there are 18 in all.

 

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. H. Illingsworth who provides us with this week’s finishing item. Who the f... Who is H. Illingsworth, I hear you ask. Well, Mr Harry Illingsworth was a famous comedian from some time back in the last century. Okay, that name wasn’t quite how he was known; he dropped the first part of his surname to become Harry Worth. He was one of television’s biggest comedy stars throughout the 1960s. He was the star of many ‘sitcoms’ from that era. He made over 100 programmes for the Beeb. All were based on his ‘character’ of someone who is totally bemused by everything around him and just bumbles his way through life creating havoc wherever he went... a gentler, more subtle version of Michael Crawford’s Frank Spencer character in Some Mothers Do ’Ave ’Em, with a bit of Harry Hill thrown in, if you like. Strangely though, Harry Worth is best remembered not for the content of any given show, but for the opening credits. Those of us of a certain age still remember trying to emulate his levitation trick whenever we passed a shop with a plate glass window. Admit it all you oldies that read this blog, you did. Of course, it was just an optical illusion, but it was known to everyone as doing a Harry Worth.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Post 428 - An angry fan gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

 

Story time...

For those of you who have been reading this blog since its inception (How are you both, by the way?), you may perhaps remember a reference Stewart (the founder of thegrambler.com) made to a Motherwell 'supporter' who would spend the whole match shouting abuse at the players and the match officials. Especially the match officials. (See Week 6 results: You f#%!ing plebs!) Stewart wrote the piece in 2012. Nine years ago. [I think we worked that out. - Ed.]

Well, guess what; shouty man is still there and he is still spouting forth with his vitriolic bile... and he still wears the same black baseball cap.

My grandson usually accompanies me to Motherwell games, but he has decided he doesn't want to go any more. I think shouty man has a lot to do with that decision. Shame.

His younger sister now accompanies me. She seems to enjoy going, but the other weekend she looked decidedly uncomfortable as shouty man got into his stride.

I felt I was partly responsible for her discomfort, having taken her to the match in the first place, so, unusually for me, I turned round and told him to shut up.

His reaction was odd but not unexpected. He told me that I obviously supported the opposition because I didn't 'encourage' the team the way that he did. I was already angry with him so immediately reported this lunatic to the nearest steward. [What a clipe! Please sir, he's annoying me. Wimp! - Ed.]

If you had been listening to his outbursts for nigh on ten years, you would do the same. I had had enough and I told him so.

I wasn't the only one ordering him to be quiet, several other guys were also chipping in and their language was a lot more colourful than mine. The only difference was that I was the one to stick my head above the parapet, so to speak, and actually report him.

At half time a guy from several rows behind me, came down to tell me that there was a couple of seats near him that were free; we could move there to get away from 'that f***ing nutjob'.

Another guy had spoken to the head steward on my behalf who had told him that shouty would have cctv cameras trained on him during the second half.

At the end of the match, another guy approached me and said that if I reported shouty man, he and his cronies would back me up.

Now, you may be thinking this is a remarkably depressing (g)ramble about me trying to get a supporter barred, but hold on there Bald Eagle, there is more.

Shouty man used to be accompanied by his old man who, it has to be said, was a bit senile. The old guy used to shout random things like 'Have you got clean shoes on' or 'Where's your egg cup.' No, it doesn't make sense, but at least he wasn't angry like his son.

Anyway, the old father died and shouty man now brings a wee kid along to the game. I'm guessing it's his nephew.

When I told uncle shouty man I was sick of hearing him, Mini Me, aged about ten, piped up, 'Shut it, ya fud!'

I did a double take.

'Did you... did you... just... call me... a fud?' I asked, not quite believing what I'd heard.

I just managed to tell shouty man that he had taught the young lad well, before having to turn away quickly for fear of laughing out loud and spoiling my angry persona.

Then I thought to myself [What a wonderful world? - Ed.] Ahem... that the angry guy was getting the wee fellow to follow in his footsteps. He really was teaching him... exactly how not to behave at a football match.

 

Shut it, Elmer

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 13th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Edward III 1312 - The well-known sequel to Edwards I and II.

Lady Caroline Lamb 1785 - Orfer who ‘knew’ Lord Byron.

William Hillman 1848 - Motor car manufacturer. Can you guess which make?

Robert Louis Stevenson 1850 - Orfer. Treasure Island. That was one of his.

Margaret Scudamore 1884 - Who? She was an ectress, don’tcha know. Michael Redgrave’s mum.

Hermione Baddeley 1906 - Ectress. Mrs Neil Naugatuck in Maude, a spinoff of All In The Family. 100 credits on IMDb.

Pat Reid 1910 - Army officer who escaped from Colditz Castle.

Adrienne Corri 1930 - Actress. Mrs Alexander in A Clockwork Orange. 111 credits on IMDb. Take that Baddeley.

Jean Rook 1931 - Journalist and member of the crow family.

George Carey 1935 - The well-known (ex)Archbishop of Canterbury.

Robert Whitaker 1939 - The man who photographed The Beatles.

Raymond Froggatt 1941 - Songwriter and singer. Here’s a link to a toon that was a hit for The Dave Clark Five in the Yuk. Frogatt’s version didn’t chart in Britain, but reached number 3 in The Netherlands. All together now... In and out of the red balloon...

Howard Wilkinson 1943 - Footy bloke.

Ron Harris 1944 - Footy bloke.

Mike Tagg 1946 - Athleticky bloke.

Brooks Mileson 1947 - Footy club owner.

Michael Osborne 1947 - Actor. PC Newton in Dixon of Dock Green. Mind how you go.

Trudie Goodwin 1951 - Actress. Played June Ackland in 978 episodes of The Bill.

Art Malik 1952 - Actor. Erasmus Nash in The Woman in White. 117 credits on IMDb and counting. Are you listening Baddeley? And counting.

Juliet Hammond 1953 - Actress. Natalie Chantrens in Secret Army. Her.

Diana Weston 1953 - Actress. Jill in Fairly Secret Army. What are the chances of that happening? She also appeared as Midge Ure’s wife in this video.

Simon Hinkler 1959 - A bit of The Mission. 18 singles have charted in the Yuk, but they have never quite made the top ten. Number 11 was the best they did with this, Wasteland.

Caroline Goodall 1959 - Actress. Emilie Schindler in Schindler’s List. Her.

Nicholas Bond-Owen 1968 - Actor. Played Tristram in 38 episodes of George and Mildred which began when he was only 8 years old.

Gerard Butler 1969 - Actor. King Leonidas in 300. Him.

Stewart Kerr 1974 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Camilla Power 1976 - Actress. Lorna Dickey in Waterloo Road. Her.

Kevin Bridges 1986 - Comedian.

Lando Norris 1999 - Racey car bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Simon Grambler,

Hiya Slink. I’m a great fan of The Mission and have tried to get all your albums. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get hold of your last one as the shop in Thurrock didn’t stock it. Mind you, it didn’t help that I couldn’t remember its name. Can you remind me, please?

Yours,

Anne Utherfaul, from Greys.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Not very well. Only 58 pees back from a £2.20 stake isn’t very good. What happened? Read on...

 

Birmingham vs Reading - Home win

Result - Birmingham 1 Reading 2

Boo!

Jahmari Clarke's second-half double helped Reading fight back to beat Birmingham at St Andrew's.

The Blues quickly hit the front when Scott Hogan pounced on Liam Moore's loose backpass to round Royals goalkeeper Luke Southwood and slot into an empty net.

Reading improved and second-half substitute Clarke levelled with a powerful header from John Swift's cross.

The striker then completed the turnaround, beating Blues keeper Matija Sarkic at the second attempt after Swift's initial shot was saved.

 

Bournemouth vs Swansea - Home win

Result - Bournemouth 4 Swansea 0

Yay!

After the Swans dominated early on, the Cherries went ahead when Philip Billing crossed for Dominic Solanke to fire home.

Solanke volleyed in Leif Davis' cross for 2-0 early in the second half before Ryan Christie had a shot blocked and Jaidon Anthony nodded in the rebound.

Jamal Lowe then teed up Anthony to drive in a fourth in stoppage time.

Coventry vs Bristol City - Home win

Result - Coventry 3 Bristol City 2

Yay!

10-man Coventry City twice came from behind to snatch a dramatic 92nd-minute winner against Bristol City.

The hosts missed a flurry of first-half chances before Ian Maatsen's red card for a foul inside the area led to Chris Martin's opener from the spot for the visitors.

Coventry replied via a penalty of their own from Matt Godden before Andreas Weimann tapped into an empty net to restore the Robins' lead.

Callum O'Hare fired in a second leveller before team-mate Godden sealed victory at the death.

 

Millwall vs Derby - Home win

Result - Millwall 1 Derby 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Derby held on for a point at Millwall despite having Nathan Byrne sent off following two yellow cards.

Derby took the lead when 19-year-old Festy Ebosele scored from Tom Lawrence's pass.

The Lions levelled moments later in a frantic finish to the opening half as Scott Malone beat Kelle Roos with a low angled shot after being found in space on the left-hand side.

Byrne was dismissed after fouling Malone, but Roos produced a fine save to keep out Benik Afobe's acrobatic effort.

 

West Brom vs Middlesbrough - Home win

Result - West Brom 1 Middlesbrough 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Josh Coburn put the Teessiders ahead before the break, thumping in after Duncan Watmore and Isaiah Jones combined to square the ball into his path.

The Baggies responded in the second period, although they had to wait until after the hour for the equaliser.

Grady Diangana fired in off the post when the ball broke from Kyle Bartley's header, after Robert Snodgrass put in a teasing free-kick.

 

Two out of five. Rubbish. Let’s hope The Grambler ups his/her/its game this week.

Game - Result - Odds

Exeter vs Oldham - Home win - 8/11

Arbroath vs Queen of the South - Home win - 5/6

Inverness CT vs Dunfermline - Home win - 3/4

Morton vs Kilmarnock - Away win - 19/20

East Fife vs Airdreonians - Away win - 8/11

Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.48

A bit more whopping than last week. Yay! [We’ll see if you are still yaying at 5 o’clock. - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Liverpool in 1985. I began my senior career at Everton before moving to Manchester United. I made 393 appearances for them and scored 183 goals. I was capped for England 120 times and scored 53 times. In 2020 I moved to my present club and in January of 2021 took on the role of manager.

Answer - Wayne Rooney

2. Who managed England during the 2002 World Cup campaign?

Answer - Sven Goran Eriksson

3. Which team are known as The Baggies

Answer - West Bromwich Albion

4. In which year did Arsene Wenger join Arsenal as manager?

Answer - 1996

5. Name all the clubs with ‘Rovers’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).

Answer - Blackburn Rovers, Doncaster Rovers, Bristol Rovers, Tranmere Rovers and Forest Green Rovers

Five for this week? Indeed.

1. Who am I?

I was born near Paris in 1993. I began my senior career at Manchester United before moving to Juventus. I returned to Man U after four years at Juventus for a transfer fee of £89 million. I have been capped for France 89 times.

2. Which club plays at The New Den?

3. Which famous first will always be held by Keith Peacock?

4. What country do Brondby come from?

5. Name all the teams with ‘Athletic’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link... The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. K. Bridges, one of this week’s birthday celebrants, who provides us with a few funnies to end this week’s edition.

‘I love the Americans who visit Edinburgh, they're enthusiastic. When they're up at Edinburgh Castle, they think it's a high school because they hear gunshots every lunchtime.’

‘I've reached that age where there's a baby being passed around somebody's living room like it's a spliff.’

‘Working in Poundstretcher for no wages…working in a shop where everything is worth a quid except you.’

‘When the kids at school found out your parents were away, news spread like wildfire. ‘Oh I hear you’re having a party.’ Having is probably the wrong word to use…you’re GETTING a party.’

‘Primark have started selling Che Guevara t-shirts - that's a fitting testimony to the man's legacy. He fought for the poor and oppressed in South America, now his face is being stitched onto t-shirts by the poor and oppressed in Southeast Asia to be worn by the poor and oppressed in South East London.’

‘Islamic fundamentalists attacked New York, Madrid, London and then Glasgow - we were f***ing flattered.’

‘Edinburgh and Glasgow: same country, very different cities. In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.’

On a thief at a party: ‘There’s a guy in the corner just trying on peoples jackets. Asking people if it suits him, not even does it fit him, does it suit him. The guy’s a petty thief but he’s also a fashionista.’

On receiving an invitation to 10 Downing Street from former Prime Minister David Cameron: ‘Got this through the door today, my heart is saying ‘f*** that’ and my head is saying ‘Aye, f*** that’.’

‘I seen a sign that said, 'Have you seen this man?' So I phoned up and I said, 'No.' I might be many things, but I'm not a grass.’

‘The guy said 'Fat boy - give me a quid, or you're getting stabbed.' I thought - quite reasonable.’

‘Can you imagine Jesus turning up at a nightclub? ‘I don't care who your dad is pal, you're not getting in with sandals on’.’

‘Asda turned me down for a job when I was 16. But Asda’s loss was the Co-op’s gain. I became one of the best shelf stackers in Clydebank.’

On listening to Celtic v Barcelona on the radio: ‘It’s quite therapeutic listening to Barca, commentators just go Xavi, Iniesta, Xavi, Iniesta, Xavi, Iniesta. I think they record it on a loop in the morning.’

‘I'd catch a grenade for you, that's what passes for a love song in the modern day. Where's he planning on taking her? A romantic stroll down to Helmand Province?’

‘I seen a headline that said 'woman drugged, beaten, tied up and left for dead at neighbour's party.' Surely that can no longer be referred to as a party.’

‘The city of Glasgow was recently announced as Europe's murder capital, but also voted the UK's friendliest city. In the same week. We got our act together pronto.’

‘Remember the first day back at school after the summer holidays? That was the day that you found out what class you were in. I was never one of the rich kids who would come strolling in and have a sun tan and a new school bag- but I was never one of the ones who would come in with a black eye and a new second name.’

In reply to a tweet criticising his joke: ‘Mate, yer maw took 9 months to come up with a joke.’

Well, I liked them.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Post 427 - Grambling at COP26

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

 

Story time...

I have just bought a pair of trousers. [How very interesting. Yawn. - Ed.] Yes, I know that's a boring way to start this week's (g)ramble, but bear with me on this.

As you cannot fail to have noticed, unless you live in a cave... in which case you wouldn't be reading this... a big climate change conference is being held in Glasgow at the moment. It's called PC49. Hang on, that's not right. COP26, that's what it's called. I knew it had something to do with the police.

Anyway, 30000 people have descended on the city, roads have been closed, protest marches have been planned, strikes have been called, etc..

Strikes? Indeed, many key workers have threatened strike action at this time. If you want to get a pay rise, your chances of getting it will surely be better when your home town is trying to impress the neighbours. Good luck to them, I say.

Any road up, COP26 is all about saving the planet by reducing the use of fossil fuels. It must be really serious because Greta Thunberg has shown up.  And Greenpeace.

Blah blah blah [Wasn't that a hit for Trio? - Ed.]

I'd have thought a good way to start saving our planet would be to not have 30000 people travelling from all around the world to come to your conference. For all the difference that will come out of it, they might as well have had a zoom meeting.

Sorry, letting politics get in the way of the silliness there.

Back to the trousers. [I wondered when you would get back to them. - Ed.] They are just ordinary trousers; nothing special. As I always do when I buy an item of clothing, I checked the washing instructions. So here is the connection to saving the planet.

On the label there is a little rhyme to encourage you to wash the trousers at a lower than normal temperature. If you are not having to heat the water so much, you are doing your bit to prevent global warming. The rhyme goes...

If it's not dirty... wash at thirty.

If it's not dirty, why are you even washing it or, in this case, them? They couldn't even be bothered making the rhyme specific to the product. Cuh!

Presumably, you would have to wash the item more often, if you are trying to wash it before it even gets dirty. In that case, you're not really saving the planet, you are using more energy. Am I right? Course I am.

So, I have come up with my own little rhyme...

If it’s not dirty, then... wear it again. [That’s a bit dull. - Ed.] Well, I thought it was better that than my first effort. Don’t give a f*** till it’s covered in muck. [Okay, I take that back. - Ed.]

Story time 2...

Old Huw Edwards is under fire. He is and all. All because the well-known Welsh newsreader suggested that the removal of a portrait of Sir Thomas Picton from the National Museum of Wales was an example of censoring history.

The reason the portrait was taken down is that Picton, once thought of as a hero, is now considered to be anything but. He has been labelled a villain thanks to his links to slavery.

If every portrait of someone with a murky past were to be removed, the various galleries up and down the land would be pretty much emptied.

Let's face it, anyone involved with the formation of the British Empah usually had blood on their hands in some way. How many indigenous people were slain because of Britain's desire to rule the world? Some populations were virtually wiped out in the quest for world domination.

Any road up, this (g)ramble is not about rewriting history, it is about the way the story was reported in my favourite newspaper, the Daily Pail, and I quote...

'His comments come as the BBC clamps down on impartiality...'

Did you spot the non-deliberate mistake?

The Beeb has long been criticised because its views were sometimes seen as not being impartial enough. It seems that the Daily Bucket wants them to be a lot less impartial.

Okay, it was just a mistake on the journalists' part... Yes, there were two of them involved with the writing of this article... However, it just shows how standards have slipped, that two supposedly educated people failed to spot this error.

Bring back profreaders I say.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 6th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Toke Townley 1912 - Actor. Best remembered for playing Sam Pearson in Emmerdale.

Ronnie Brody 1918 - Comedy Actor. Worked with the likes of Benny Hill, Jimmy Logan, Charlie Drake, Sid James, Eric Sykes, Spike Milligan, Terry Scott, Norman Wisdom, Mike Yarwood and, probably most famously, Dave Allen.

Chic Murray 1919 - Comedian.

Don Lusher 1923 - Musician. Here he is playing trombone at 1982’s Music for Youth School Prom and it is called simply Concert Variations.

Donald Houston 1923 - Actor look you. Harry Love in Now, Take My Wife.

Nan Winton 1925 - Broadcaster. In June 1960 she became the first female newsreader on BBC television. In March 1961 she was sacked, not because of any misdemeanour, but simply because of prejudice that a woman did not have the gravitas to read the late evening news. It would be a further 14 years until the Beeb next employed a woman to read the news.

John Carlin 1929 - Actor. The type whose face you knew, but he was never the big star, indeed many of his TV roles were nameless.

Donald Churchill 1930 - Actor and playwright. Starred in Spooner’s Patch as Inspector Spooner. Ask your dad.

Peter Collins 1931 - Racey car bloke.

Ron Saunders 1932 - Footy bloke.

Gordon Wharmby 1933 - Actor. Played Wesley in 139 episodes of Last of the Summer Wine.

Patricia Shakesby 1942 - Actress. Polly Urquhart in Howards’ Way. Her.

George Young 1946 - Musician, songwriter and record producer. He was in The Easybeats who had one big hit in the UK, Friday On My Mind  He was Angus and Malcolm’s big brother, you know.

Jim Rosenthal 1947 - Sports presenter.

Nigel Havers 1951 - Actor. Lewis Archer in Coronation Street. Him.

Tony Parsons 1953 - Orfer.

Ingrid Lacey 1948 - Actress. Best known for playing Helen Cooper in Drop The Dead Donkey.

Cath Kidston 1958 - Bag lady.

Ricky Wilde 1961 - Musician. Groomed by Jonathan King [Eh? - Ed.] to be the UK’s answer to Donny Osmond. Here’s an example of his work which explains why he wasn’t: I Am An Astronaut.

Paul Birch 1962 - Footy bloke.

Stuart Dougal 1962 - Fitba referee.

Patrick Robinson 1963 - Actor. DC Jacob Banks in The Bill. Him.

Steve Judd 1968 - Snookery bloke.

Garry Flitcroft 1972 - Footy bloke.

Thandiwe (or Thandie) Newton 1972 - Roz in Line of Duty. Her.

Neil McAndrew 1963 - Model/Celebrity.

Susan Calman 1974 - Comedian.

Craig Bryson 1986 - Fitba guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Susan Grambleman,

It was nice to hear The Easybeats’ Friday On My Mind. Did this Australian beat combo have other hit records in the UK?

Yours with fraternal greetings,

L. O'Howaryu.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? From our £2.20 stake, we won... £1.84. Would you Adam and Eve it, 36 pees down, the same as last week. What happened? Read on...

Reading vs Bournemouth - Away win

Result - Reading 0 Bournemouth 2

Yay!

The Cherries went ahead at the end of an even first half when Gary Cahill headed a far-post corner back across the box to Dominic Solanke whose downward header bounced past three Reading players on the goal-line.

Second-half substitute Jamal Lowe doubled the lead just three minutes after coming on, cutting into the box and placing a low shot across goalkeeper Luke Southwood and into the far corner of the net.

Scott Dann went closest for the Royals, forcing Cherries goalkeeper Mark Travers into a full-stretch save in stoppage time with a flicked header.

 

Oxford vs Morecambe - Home win

Result - Oxford 3 Morecambe 1

Yay!

Steve Seddon nodded the U's in front in the 29th minute after Matty Taylor kept Elliott Moore's header in play with a skilful overhead kick at the far post.

James Henry squandered the chance to make it 2-0 when he blazed a penalty over the bar at the start of the second half after goalkeeper Jokull Andersson fouled Taylor in the box.

Cole Stockton equalised for Morecambe in the 64th minute with a spectacular right-footed volley from Ryan Cooney's cross that arrowed into the top of the net.

Mark Sykes restored the home side's lead nine minutes later, bravely nodding home as he challenged for the ball with Andersson after good play again by Taylor.

And the outstanding Taylor made it 3-1 with an angled chip over Andersson three minutes from the end.

 

Harrogate vs Bristol - Home win

Result - Harrogate 0 Bristol 1

Boo!

After a scoreless first half and little in the way of goalmouth action after half-time, the deadlock was finally broken in the 64th minute.

Alfie Kilgour crossed to the back post for Nick Anderton to scramble the ball in off the post, both players having earlier been called off the bench.

The Pirates had looked certain to take the lead before the break, only to be denied by a miraculous goal-line clearance from Lewis Page from Luke Thomas' strike.

 

Newport vs Stevenage - Home win

Result - Newport 5 Stevenage 0

Yay!

Dom Telford's hat-trick inspired Newport to a win that humbled Stevenage at Rodney Parade.

The hosts were 3-0 up at the break with Telford getting two before playing provider for Courtney Baker-Richardson to add his name to the scoresheet.

Telford added his third early in the second half.

Finn Azaz fired home from distance to seal the emphatic win.

 

Sutton vs Walsall - Home win

Result - Sutton 0 Walsall 1

Boo!

Tyrese Shade's second-half goal proved the difference as Walsall took a narrow 1-0 victory at Sutton.

It was the hosts who looked most likely to score, but substitute Shade came off the bench and fired home a fine free-kick.

 

Let’s see what The Grambler has randomly selected for this week.

Game - Result - Odds

Birmingham vs Reading - Home win - 4/5

Bournemouth vs Swansea - Home win - 8/11

Coventry vs Bristol City - Home win - 4/6

Millwall vs Derby - Home win - 5/6

West Brom vs Middlesbrough - Home win - 5/6

Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.10

Even less whopping than last week.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1957 in Hayes, Middlesex. I played as a midfielder for Spurs and Monaco before moving to Swindon Town and then Chelsea as player/manager. I won 53 England caps. After Chelsea, I managed the national side, but was sacked for un-pc comments regarding disabled people.

Answer - Glenn Hoddle

2. Newcastle play at St James’ Park, but which English club plays at St James Park?

Answer - Exeter

3. Which German club did Kevin Keegan play for?

Answer - Hamburg

4. 20 years ago, which player was transferred from Juventus to Real Madrid for a world record fee of 150 billion Italian lire (£46.5 million)?

Answer - Zinedine Zidane

5. Name all the clubs with ‘County’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).

Answer - Derby County, Notts County, Stockport County, Newport County and Rotherham County

How did you do? Okay? Hope so. Let’s have five for this week.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Liverpool in 1985. I began my senior career at Everton before moving to Manchester United. I made 393 appearances for them and scored 183 goals. I was capped for England 120 times and scored 53 times. In 2020 I moved to my present club and in January of 2021 took on the role of manager.

2. Who managed England during the 2002 World Cup campaign?

3. Which team are known as The Baggies

4. In which year did Arsene Wenger join Arsenal as manager?

5. Name all the clubs with ‘Rovers’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link.  The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. C. Murray who was remembered in this week’s birthday honours. Chic Murray was a comedian who had an individual style; unique even. I’m not sure who voted, but he was named the Comedians’ Comedian in 2005. That sounds like an honour and I, for one, would say that he fully deserves the title. He is remembered fondly by many Scots. I think a few of Chic’s jokes would make a nice way to end this week’s edition. Those of you who know Chic’s style of delivery might appreciate them. Anyone who has never heard him will probably be a little bemused by them. Here goes...

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

Kippers: fish that like a lot of sleep.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so we got a cat and taught it to bark.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. “Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked ‘”What’s the matter? Did you fall over?” So I said “No. I’ve a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.”

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

 

Well, I liked them.

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.