Week 10 Results - Is The Grambler a Cool Duck or a Lame Duck

It’s lame duck, I’m afraid.  For the first time since week 3 The Grambler has got it totally and completely wrong.  Not one of the five predictions came out as we wanted.  But then, who would have expected Motherwell to get cuffed 4-0 at home?  Yes, I know that's got nothing to do with it but...I was there.  I suffered, man.  Oh, by the way, if you are interested, Stourbridge beat Biggleswade Town 4-1.

 

Derby County vs Sheffield Wednesday - Prediction - Draw - NAW

Derby moved up to ninth in the Championship with a comfortable 3-0 win at home to struggling (ie. crap) Sheffield Wednesday.

Jake Buxton put the Rams ahead just before half time with a close-range finish.

Midfielder Will Hughes added a second shortly after the restart with a shot into the top corner.

Chris Martin (No not the singy Chris Martin or the laughy other one) then turned home Jamie Ward's cross to give Wednesday their fifth doing of the season.

Shall I let you into a little secret?  The first match I ever went to was in 1968.  That’s forty… ooh, a long time ago.  And the match was Derby County against…well, it was a long time ago.  At the Baseball Ground.  That was their ground back then.  But they played football.  Not baseball.  So why was it called the blibbing Baseball Ground, then?  That’s daft.  Brian Cruft was the manager.  You know him that went to Sherwood Forest.  Cost 8 and 6 to get in it did.  We had old money in them days.  And coal fires.  And Spangles.  And trolley buses.  They were good.  Like trams only with tyres and things.  Or a bus….etc. etc. ad infinitum.

 

Leicester City vs Nottingham Forest - Prediction - Draw NAW

Nottingham Forest came to the King Power Stadium and were king brilliant.  Leicester on the other hand were king rubbish.  The 2-0 win takes Forest up to fifth in the table.  This is the first time the Foxes have lost at home since the 26^th of April.  The score could, and should, have been different.  David ‘Emily’ Nugent took a penalty for Leicester in the second half but sent it skywards.  In fact, he had a pretty crappy game altogether having missed a couple of good chances in the first half when the score was 0 – 0.  Simon Cox opened the scoring from close range against the run of play after Jamie Paterson's shot had been blocked. Forest doubled their advantage before the interval - Jamie Mackie finding the net (Oh look – there it is!) after Danny Drinkwater had cleared Henri 'Angela' Lansbury's effort off the line.

It is eight long years since Forest beat Leicester at Leicester.  If you’ve waited this long, could you not just have settled for a draw on this occasion?

 

Forfar Athletic vs Brechin City - Prediction - Away win NAW

As usual it is impossible to find a match report on a game from this far down the Scottish leagues.  So…

On 39 minutes Dale Hilson slotted the ball left footed into the goal to put Forfar one up.  The score remained static until 87 minutes when Ross Campbell scored Forfar’s second.  Game over. 

And that, dear reader, is about as much of a match report as I am able to give you other than to say Dale Hilson was named man of the match.

I have an apology to make.  I forgot a Motherwell link.  I am sorry about that.  I forgot to mention that Brechin City’s goalie is none other than ex-Motherwell man Graeme Smith who made 147 appearances for The [not so mighty heh heh – Ed] Well between 2005 and 2009.

 

Oldham Athletic vs Wolverhampton Wanderers - Prediction - Away win NAW

Defender Genseric Kusunga (Damn!  I missed that when I was looking for a cracking name of the week.) headed in James Dayton's free-kick to put Oldham in front inside two minutes.  What?  Oldham in the lead?   Dave Edwards failed to find the target with two presentable chances for Wolves but Scott Golbourne met James Henry's cross to level for the visitors.

Oldham almost won it but substitute Kirk Millar curled a late effort wide.

 

Stevenage vs Portsmouth - Prediction - Draw NAW

 

Francois Zoko scored twice as Stevenage beat Portsmouth 2-1 to book their place in the second round of the FA Cup.  The Ivorian stabbed home from close range early on after a series of errors and doubled his tally by firing a pacey shot past Trevor Carson.  Pompey's Gavin Mahon was sent off for elbowing Filipe Morais before David Connolly's 71st minute tap-in gave the visitors some hope.  Joe Devera and Danny East both had late chances to level but Stevenage held on.

And now to a new feature* – Gaffer of the week. Yes each week we will take the post-match interview with the most footballing clichés in it.  And this week ladeez and gennullum it’s Pompey manager Guy ‘Dick’ Whittingham.  Take it away Guy –

“We're out of the FA Cup and that's very disappointing having been far the better side. I think everybody here would say that.

“We suffered to a couple of clinical finishes that they had in the first half and that's what you've got when you go a step up into a league above, but I think the whole game - first half we've created more, second half with 10 men we've created far more - so yeah it's disappointing.

“I'm extremely proud (of the players). I think the energy levels were fantastic. We kept going at them, we wouldn't let them rest. I think to come here and do that against a Stevenage side that have picked up of late and show the spirit that we've shown and the bravery shown on the ball, very proud of the performance altogether.

“They had two clinical finishes in the first half that cost us goals, but apart from that I thought we played the much better football.”

Thank you Guy, I think you will agree ladeez and gennullum that is top clichéing (if there is such a word) as well as the usual load of bollocks.

*May not actually become a feature.

 

So there you have it all you gramblers out there.  What can I say?  Sorry?  That would be appropriate.  As I said last time this happened - things can only get better.  Look out for week 11's predictions in the next few days.

 

Meanwhile catch up with some of the earlier postings to understand the serious message behind all this fun and frolics.  Remember that The Grambler was begun by Stewart David Smith as a way to raise funds to help The Bobby Moore Fund in its quest to find a cure for bowel cancer, but, more importantly, to raise awareness about the cancer and how it can affect anyone - young or old.  Remember too, to spread the word to all your friends; get everyone you know to read The Grambler.  Thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 10 They call me The Grambler

Howdy doody all you gramblers out there.  Is anyone trying to cultivate some hirsute topiary this month?  Just me then.  Yes I’m talking about Movember, Mo grow, or whatever you want to call this month of growing moustaches.  Actually, I know of a few others who are giving it a grow.  Fellow Well supporter Ian from East Kilbeard, Tony from Manchesthair and Alasdair from Whiteshaven – Oh, hang on; he’s already got one.  Well, he could grow another one.  Somewhere else.

So, how is my attempt at a tache going?  Well, Jimmy Edwards it ain’t (ask your dad).  At the moment it is more…Catweazle (ask your dad).  Actually, it’s worse than that; nobody has even noticed that I am trying to grow it!

Back to some serious grambling.  Did you all visit http://www.nhslanarkshire.org.uk/news/news/Pages/HairmyresITU.aspx last week?  I hope so.  It is important to get the message across.  May I also give you another link that I hope you will visit regularly.  It’s another page set up by Stewart’s wife which will give you information about all the fundraising she and Stewart’s family are planning over the next year.  Go to https://www.facebook.com/kickcancerfund .

Anyway, let’s make a start on this week’s predictions with a little toon from Dion and the Belmonts…

They call me the grambler
Yeah, the grambler
I gramble round, around, around, around, around

What’s that susposed to be?  Hardly in keeping, is it?  A song about promiscy…promiscu…manking about, unprotected intercom…interpol…sex (There, I’ve said it) and abandon ship…ment!  I meant ment.  Goodness knows how many little nippers were spawned after would-be Casablancas heard that song and thought it was all right to go spreading their manure…wild oats…I mean wild oats!  No wonder this world’s in the state it’s in.  That Celine Dion and the Bellends have got a lot to answer for.  This is susposed to be an blog about raising awareness of bowel cancer in young people.  It is susposed to get you lot…what are you called?  Readers!  It is susposed to encourage you to give lots of money to the Bobby Moore fund.  Ooh, I liked him.  Deferably the best Bond.  Some people think that other one…the bald one that talks funny…Sinead O’Connor!  Him.  They think he was the best Double O Gauge, or that Pierce Morgan, but I deferably think Bobby Moore was the best.  Ooh, what was that film?  It was really good.  The one about the cat with eight legs….etc. etc. ad infinitum.

Ahem.  Let us gramble.

We have a bit of a dilemma this week as to which games should be eligible for this weekend’s Grambler predictions.  It is the first round of the FA Cup in England so that kind of cuts out the lower English leagues for us.  Sticking with the rule that all games must take place at 3pm on Saturday 9^th of November we can choose from purely senior league games which means there are only 33 matches for The Grambler to consider – more than half of them from the Scottish leagues.  Or, we could include all the FA Cup games as well which would give us 66 to choose from.  Yep, 33 games on Saturday are devoted to the first round of the FA Cup.  I am thinking that the first figure of 33 league games is too few, especially with the Scottish bias.  66, on the other hand, could be okay but (yes there is a but), this being the first round there are lots of games between clubs which many of you out there in Gramblerland have never even heard of.  Would you really be interested in seeing whether Stourbridge can beat Biggleswade?  Or whether Corby Town can see off Devon Athletic?  I suspect that you couldn’t give a monkey’s.

So, here’s the deal; we will restrict our selection to games from the senior leagues plus those games from the FA Cup that are between clubs from the senior leagues.  How does that sound?  I don’t know why I am asking; I am doing it anyway.

Thus, we are selecting from the much more manageable, and less Scottish biased, total of 46.  So, sadly, no Staines or Brackley.

Here we go two three four…Oh dear.  I have just received The Grambler’s predictions.  Not a home win amongst them.  Three draws and two aways.  Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

Game – Result – Odds

Derby County vs Sheffield Wednesday – Draw - 12/5

For The Grambler’s first prediction we go to Pride Park home of the Rams who welcome the Owls for this Championship (Division 2!!!) game.  The Rams have been having a pretty good season so far sitting in 11^th place at the moment.  The Owls on the other hand are struggling a bit and are 10 places lower in the division.  So the obvious choice in this game is Derby County to win, surely.  But The Grambler sees things differently [always does – Ed] and thinks Wednesday might pick up a point.  He/she/it could have a point [The Grambler gets a point as well? – Ed] as County lost last Saturday to QPR.  Perhaps no surprise as QPR currently sit third in the table.  But hold on there.  The Owls actually won a game last Saturday [And? – Ed] and that was against Reading – currently sitting 5^th.  It should also be noted that last season’s meetings between the two ended as draws.  Another draw?  Possible.

Leicester City vs Nottingham Forest – Draw – 5/2

For our second game we head slightly south to Leicester City’s King Power Stadium [king stupid name – Ed] where they play host to Forest.  Leicester are doing very well indeed, sitting 2^nd in the Championship (see above!!!).  Forest are also doing pretty well and are currently in 6^th spot.  However, the wheels seem to have come off the bogey for Forest recently, taking only 1 point from the most recent three games.  So, on current form, The Foxes should be taking all the points.  Once again, The Grambler sees things differently and predicts a draw.  This could be down to the fact that in the past 6 meetings between the teams, 4 have ended as draws.  So, is The Grambler on to something?  Or just wrong as usual.

Before we move on, I think we have a cracking name of the week.  Step forward Leicester defender Zoumana Bakayogo.  Brill.

Motherwell link: Billy Davies, Forest’s manager used to play for and manage the Mighty ‘Well.  I told you that last time Forest came up.  Oh, did I tell you he was a very good friend of Tommy Sheridan? [You did mention it – Ed].

Forfar Athletic vs Brechin City – Away win – 9/5

Third match of this week’s predictions takes us to Station Park, Forfar where the Loons play host to the Hedgemen.  It is the second meeting of these teams this season.  Brechin won that one 2-1, so maybe The Grambler, with a prediction of another win for Brechin, has called this one correctly.  Ah, you say, Forfar won the previous game.  Ah, I say, but Brechin won the previous two.  So there!  Go Grambler, go Grambler.

Time for a little explanation.  The name the Loons comes from a northern Scots word for young man.  It comes from the days when supporters also went to see reserve teams, which featured younger players, hence going to see the ‘loons’.  Isn’t that interesting? [No – Ed].  Also Brechin isn’t a city [Oh shut up – Ed].

Oldham Athletic vs Wolverhampton Wanderers – Away win – Evens

For the second week running The Grambler has chosen to give us stale meat.  Old ham.  Do you see?  Yes, the Latics this week play host to Wolves.  Like last week The Grambler predicts the Latics will lose. This is a first round FA Cup match, although both sides play in League 1 (Division 3!!!).  If we go by table positions – Wolves are 2^nd and Oldham are 17^th – this prediction should be spot on.  However, cup matches can throw up some surprises.  Oldham spoiled The Grambler’s prediction last week – please don’t do it again.

Stevenage vs Portsmouth – Draw – 9/4

And finally, Cyril?  And finally, Esther, we go to Broadhall Way where the Boro play host to an old favourite of ours, Pompey.  Again this is a cup match so Stevenage, playing in a division higher than Portsmouth, are expected to win.  But it is a cup match and things can always turn out differently to the way they might do in other circumstances.  I’m sticking up for you now Grambler, because you reckon a draw will be the outcome of this one.  I think a draw is a possibility.  They have only met three times before and honours are even [Eh? – Ed] with one win each and one draw [Oh, I see – Ed].  The last meeting ended nil – nil; who’s to say this won’t end the same way [Probably everyone but you and The Grambler – Ed].

Motherwell link: Porstsmouth defender Yassin Moutaouakil played for...etc. etc.

So there you have it fellow gramblers, five predictions which, if they all come up, gives us odds of 248/1 so that my 20 pee bet will give us a return of nearly 45 quids.

Ah, but we are poltroons here in Gramblerland and always do a cowardly doubles bet so that if more than one result is correct, there is at least some return.  If three results come up we might actually be in profit.  Four; even better.  And if we get the magic five, well ten 20 pee doubles would net us just over 18 quids.

So go to it all you gramblers out there.  Let’s see if we can give the bookies a doing this week and donate all that lovely dosh to the Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund.

To finish.  Here is a picture of a cool duck.

 

 

 

Week 9 results - The Grambler is turning into a cult

Well what can we say about The Grambler’s predictions for last Saturday that hasn’t been said before?  Absolutely brilliant.  That hasn’t been said.  And do you want to know why it hasn’t been said.  Because it wasn’t absolutely brilliant; it was absolute sh*t*!  One out of five!  That is all The Grambler got right.  And do you know how much that won for The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund.  Nothing!  Not a bean!  In short – FU...[Now cut that out – Ed].

Sorry.

Let’s take a look at how things panned out shall we…

Fulham vs Manchester United – Prediction - Home win NAW

The Grambler predicted that Fulham would beat Manchester United – Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha – I could go on.  Ahem.  Fulham did not beat Man Utd.  Manchester United stuffed Fulham 3-1.  Though, to be fair, Fulham did score a goal, so they can’t have been totally useless.  Just mostly useless….bunch of bloody pensioners…moan, moan, moan.

Fulham manager, Martin Jol says he is not worried about being sacked.  Well, actually Martin as I write this, you haven’t actually been sacked, actually.  Maybe you know something we don’t?  Actually.

Bristol City vs Oldham Athletic – Prediction – Home win      NAWWW

This ended up as a 1 all draw.  Bristol City what are you doing to us?  You won last week.  You won last night.  You just couldn’t win when it mattered – ie. when The Grambler predicted you would win.  It might have happened.  The Robins went ahead on 36 minutes with an ‘acrobatic volley’ from Jay Emmanuel-Thomas – the quotation marks are mine, the description is by some twat at the bbc.  Acrobatic volley indeed.  They hung on for umm… 41 minutes (77-36=41. Yeah that’s right.  Not good at sums) when James Dayton scored for the Latics on 77 minutes.  Swine.

Coventry vs Notts County – Prediction – Home win                yay (sort of)

Yep this is the one and only game that The Grambler got right.  Coventry won this one 3 nil.  We have to thank Notts County’s Danny Haynes for helping The Grambler big time by getting sent off on 41 minutes when the score was nil nil.

Bury vs Torquay United – Prediction – Home win               NAWWWWWWWWWW

The Grambler had this down as a win for the Shakers, but it went the way of Torquay who won 3-1.  I bet Bury were shaken.  Eh?  I’m doing me best!  Let’s hear Torquay manager, Alan Knill (pronounced nil as in Torquay nil) on his team, "It's an outstanding away performance and thoroughly deserved. We set up really well, worked really hard on set-plays and I thought we were good value for the win today.  When we needed to defend today we really did - we put bodies in the way and did everything we possibly could to stop them from scoring. We changed the team because we thought we could use Elliot [Benyon]'s attributes to stretch the opposition and he did, just when they were in the ascendency and thinking they were getting back into the game."

Have fun counting the clichés.

Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs Kilmarnock – Prediction – Draw NAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther The Grambler predicted that Caley and Killie (What a great name for a double act) would draw.  It was a possibility given that Caley had not won for a while and Killie had just begun winning.  Instead, Inverness got back into winning ways and beat Kilmarnock 2-1.

Oh well, that’s the gramble over for this week.  Once again, no winnings are available to add to The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund.  But are we downhearted?  No! Will we be back next week for more grambling?  You betcha!  Will The Grambler predict five winners?  Doubt it.

I am pleased to finish by telling all you fellow gramblers out there that there are over a hundred of us.  Yep, that’s how many readers have been checking in each week.  Remember everyone out there in Gramblerland, tell all your mates to get grambling too.  Let’s make The Grambler an even bigger cult [you said it, not me – Ed].

 

Week 9 Weather forecasters surprised that seasonal weather is here

Question: Why do weather forecasters on the TV have to be so bloody enthusiastic?  There is nothing to get so excited about.  It is windy, yes.  Do you know what?  It tends to get a bit windy at this time of year.  Anyone would think you were the first to discover it.  Watch next week as weatherman gets so excited he wets himself because there might be a bit of frost!

 

Any road up, it's goodbye Sober October; welcome Noelember.  Yes this month everybody is encouraged to be a bearded twat for charity.  In these days of phone hacking – I thought you might like to read the transcript of a telephone conversation of some years back….

Hello, am I speaking to Channel 4’s Commissioning Editor?

Yes.  How may I help you?

I’ve got an idea for a telly programme.

I see.  And what does this programme involve?

It’s a quiz.  There are all these people who each sit with a box in front of them…

Oh yes, and what is in these boxes?

Nothing.

Nothing?

No, when they are invited to, they open the lid and there is a number – a sum of money - printed inside the lid.  And everyone has a different number.

Right.  And do they have to answer questions to win the money?

Oh no.  There are no questions.

I thought you said it was a quiz.

Yes, but I don’t ask them any questions.

Oh, you are involved?  So what do you do?

I walk about looking smug and make patronising comments.

I see.  What else?

Erm, nothing.  That’s it.

Do you want to know something?  In all my years commissioning programmes for TV, I have yet to hear of a more ridiculous idea for a programme.  It is rubbish.  It is worse than Monkey Tennis.  Worse than Through the A***hole.  This is just crap.  In fact, it is the biggest load of…

I am Noel Edmonds.

In that case, please accept this shedload of money and an open-ended contract to make any number of shows you want.

Oh, I’ve made a mistake.  It isn’t Noelember it’s Movember.  Where everyone raises money by erm…moving?  No.  I’m wrong again.  It’s where everyone raises money for charity by getting sponsorship for growing a moustache.

How the blibbing hell does that work, then?  When you want sponstership for charity you’re susposed to do something a bit difficult like running marathons – Ooh, I don’t like them, them peanuts get stuck in me teeth.  Hang on they’ve changed the name now haven’t they?  Something to do with pants.  Or you raise money by making and flogging rubbish for charity.  You don’t just go about saying I can’t be bothered shaving and expect folk to give you money.  I wouldn’t expect anyone to give me money for not bothering to do something – Give me money and I won’t bother washing; or, give me money and I won’t bother combing me hair.  It beggars belief, it really does.  Knickers!  No, not knickers.  Snickers; that’s it.  Why do they have to change names?  What was wrong with Oprah Fruits?  And what’s that other one?  The stuff for cleaning.  Sounds like gonorrhoea.  Syph!  That’s it; Cif.  Used to be called Biff or something…etc. etc. ad infinitum.

What's happened to this week’s song?  Well, as I write this I have just heard of the death of Lou Reed who was famous for being a complete smackhead.  And..erm, that's it.  So let’s have a wee toon from Lou to start us off this week.

Oh it’s such a perfect day,

I’m glad I grambled with you.

Oh, such a perfect day,

You just keep me grambling on,

You just keep me grambling on.

 

Let us Gramble.

All games take place on Saturday 2^nd November at 3pm.  We have 43 games for The Grambler to choose from this week.  43?  Only 43?  Well, there is a reason for this low figure (other than the usual business of games being on at odd times).  There are another 16 games taking place in Scotland; the 3^rd round of the William Hill Scottish Cup.  For some reason I can’t find these on my Bet365 betting site.  How odd.  Can’t understand it at all.

Game – Result – Odds

Fulham vs Manchester United – Home – 9/2

Oh no!  Grambler what are you doing to us?  Yes, we know that Man U have not had the best of starts to the season, but come on, you surely don’t expect Fulham to beat them.  Do you know how long it is since Fulham have won a game against Manchester United?  Ten years!!  In fact some of the current Fulham squad might have played in that game.  My God, they are old.  The average age of the starting 11 that got thumped by Southampton last Saturday was over 28.  Bearing in mind that it included a 21 and a 23 year old, that is an old lineup.

Despite these facts, The Grambler predicts that the Red Devils will come to Craven (or cowardly) Cottage to be beaten by the Cottagers (That’s a rather unfortunate name. Is George Michael a fan?).  Once again I have to ask if The Grambler had a less than sober October to come up with such a crazy prediction.

Manchester United are in a bit of bother regarding a mention of the band New Order (they say) with a swastika-like logo alongside the wording. 

 

 

Rather unfortunate to say the least.  They claim it wasn’t meant to cause offence.  We believe you.  Honest, we do.

Bristol City vs Oldham Athletic – Home – Evens

For the second week running The Grambler picks Bristol City for a prediction.  This time they are at their home ground of Ashton Gate.  They really fu… messed it up for us last week, by beating Carlisle 4-2.  Maybe, this is the start of a run.  The Grambler could be right, because, while they have won more games than the Robins, the Latics only seem to win in home encounters.  Is The Grambler on to something?  Or just on something.  We can’t even check on previous games between these two as they haven’t met in seven seasons, City having been relegated from the Championship (or Division 2 in old money) at the end of last season.  What do you reckon?  Do you think The Grambler is right to predict a home win? 

Motherwell link:  Bristol City Midfielder Stephen Pearson began his career at the Mighty 'Well.

Coventry City vs Notts County – Home – 4/6

For our third prediction The Grambler takes us to Sixfields Stadium where the Light Blues play host to the Magpies.  Now, given that Coventry are sitting at number 13 pop pickers and County are down in bottom place and without a manager, you would have to agree that The Grambler has called this one right.  But hold on there, last season’s encounters between these two ended as a draw and a win to Notts County.  Does that alter things in any way?  No.

Did you know that Coventry City FC was originally known as Singer FC because it was formed by employees of that bicycle, and later car, manufacturer?  Isn’t that interesting? [No – Ed]

Bury vs Torquay United – Home – 11/10

For the fourth of our predictions, The Grambler takes us to Gigg Lane Stadium where the Shakers play host to the Seagulls.  Only two points currently separate these two teams; Torquay are in 22^nd place on 11 points while Bury are in 19^th spot on 13.  Neither team is doing particularly well.  Bury finally won last Saturday after two months without a win and Torquay haven’t won since mid-September.  Maybe, just maybe, Bury will still have the winning feeling and do it again this week.  What do you think?  Does anyone know? [Does anyone care? – Ed]

Right.  It's time for cracking name of the week.  This week it is Bury forward Temitope Ayoluwa 'Tope' Obadeyi.  Not a regular first team player sadly so we probably won't hear the commentators struggling with the pronunciation.  Brilliant name, though.

Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs Kilmarnock – Draw – 13/5

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther we are off to one of the northernmost senior football stadia (I did Latin, you know) where Caley take on Killie (I still haven’t received a consignment of those mouth-wateringly delicious Killie pies.  Mmm…they are so tasty).  After a cracking start to the season Caley seem to have lost their way a bit and, after remaining unbeaten until mid-September, have lost three of their last four games.  Killie, on the other hand, had a terrible start to the season, not winning a game until the 19^th of October.  However, they followed that with another so maybe they are back on track.  Caley and Kilmarnock have met 4 times in the past year (that’s how daft it is up here with leagues of 10 and 12 teams) and Caley are just ahead with two wins to Killie’s one and one game drawn.  The Grambler reckons it’ll be a draw;  Hmm, could be right.

Motherwell links: Caley management team Butcher/Malpas.  Forward Richie Foran.  Blah blah blah.  I told you last time The Grambler picked Caley.  What?  You didn’t read that one?  Well, you should have done.  I don’t just do this for the good of my health you know.  No.  I do it for the good of other people’s health; specifically those with bowel cancer.  Which brings me neatly [you call that neat? – Ed] to a link.  Please visit http://www.nhslanarkshire.org.uk/news/news/Pages/HairmyresITU.aspx to read a little more about the founder of The Grambler.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 8 results. Not good. Not good at all...

Not quite belly up, but one win out of five brings in no money at all this week as The Grambler records his/her/its worst week since Week 3 when I first took on the task of reporting The Grambler’s predictions.  What went wrong, do I hear you ask (of course I don’t.  You are where you are and I am here.  I couldn’t possibly hear you.)? Well read on and I shall unravel the day’s proceedings for you.

Yeovil vs Nottingham Forest – Draw – Naw

Righto off we go.  Well, this game sets the pattern for all that follows in that the result goes totally against any sane person’s way of thinking.  I, and many like me, had this one down as a win for Nottingham Forest – Wrong!  The Grambler had it down as a draw – Wrong!  In actual fact Yeovil, who have been struggling big style since moving to this league from Division 1 (or 3!!!) and have been unable to secure a win since day one of the season, proved us all wrong and took all three points in an exciting 3-1 victory over Nottingham Forest.

That afternoon tea with the Glovers didn’t go too well at all - ‘Another scone Mrs Forester?’  ‘F*** off you cow!’

Ed Upson's deflected volley gave Yeovil the lead before Forest's Simon Cox had a penalty saved by Wayne Hennessey.

Upson added another from 25 yards and although Chelsea loanee Nathaniel Chalobah headed in, Yeovil made it 3-1 through a Byron Webster header.

Three goals!  Three!  It is the first time Yeovil have managed to score more than a single goal in any game this season.  It is also the first time their fans have been able to cheer them on in a home match.

Carlisle United vs Bristol City – Home – Naw

See above.  The Grambler and I both saw this as a dead cert for Carlisle seeing as they have been the team that has been doing so well.  Wrong!  I mean, come on, Bristol City are right at the bottom of the table, nobody in their right mind would pick Bristol City (who have not won in 22 – that’s right, 22 – games) to have won this one, but wonders will never cease, win they did in a thrilling 2-4 game.

Sean O'Hanlon's bullet header put Carlisle ahead before half-time.

But Sean O'Driscoll's side hit back with two goals in two minutes from top scorer Emmanuel-Thomas, and Scott Wagstaff's volley made it 3-1.

Liam Noble's powerful drive pulled one back for the hosts but the ex-Arsenal forward Emmanuel-Thomas fired in his third to earn City their first three points since 9^th March.  Yep. You read that right – 9^th March!

Notts County vs Preston North End – Draw – Naw

This is the first match of our five where I actually thought The Grambler had got it wrong.  Okay, so I got it right, but it isn’t my predictions we are having a punt on, so I have no thoughts of smugness.  The team sane people would have expected to win did win 0-1.  End of.

The aftermath of this game is that Chris Kiwomya has parted company with Notts County after only eight months as the boss.

Kiwomya took temporary charge of the side in February after the departure of Keith Curle and was given a three-year contract in March.  Since taking charge he has presided over 34 games and has the rather poor record of 9 wins, 9 draws and 16 losses.

Saturday’s defeat leaves Notts bottom of the table, with just two wins this season.

Port Vale vs Gillingham – Draw - Naw

Here we go again.  I agreed with The Grambler on this one, but that went for nothing as the in form team won, Port Vale winning the encounter 2-1.  I really thought Gillingham would have got a point here, but hey ho, such is life. 

Danny Kedwell put the visitors in front early on after he nodded in Amine Linganzi's left-wing delivery.

Port Vale equalised after the break when Carl Dickinson flicked on Chris Lines' corner for Chris Robertson to easily bury a close-range header.

Tom Pope then headed onto Dickinson's right-hand cross to snatch the winner for Vale midway into the second half.

Mansfield Town vs Plymouth Argyle – Away –  Aye

And finally Cyril?  And finally Esther The Grambler gets one right.  Too late!  Strangely, it is another of those games that ‘any sane person’ would have predicted to go the way of the team performing the better this season – Mansfield Town.  But no, a last minute goal from Trotman gave Plymouth the points.  I bet the home support was beeling!

To conclude, this is the last Sober October bet.  So I thought it would be fitting to check on Dougie, the local drunkard, to see how he had fared in his attempt at abstinence through the month.  So, Dougie, how did you get on?

‘Kin’ brilliant!  Ah gied up the Buckie fur the hale month.  An’ ah never realised wit ah’d been missing!  There’s Special Brew, cider, sherry, cheap voddie….Ah’m telling ye. ‘Kin’ brilliant!!’

We’ll take that as not very well.

Week 8 - How's my Grambling?

This week we say goodbye to the late, great – no, just late – Noel Harrison, who was famous for um…being Rex Harrison’s son and…that’s it.  Oh, no.  He was in The Girl From Uncle – stop sniggering at the back – it was a TV programme.  Oh, I nearly forgot – he sang this rather nice toon.

Like a clock whose hands are grambling
Past the minutes on its face
And the world is like an apple
Grambling silently in space
Like the grambles that you find
In the gramblings of your mind

There you are; the theme from that famous film The Thomas Crown Thingie.

Let us gramble.

This week we have a total of 52 games for The Grambler to randomly choose from.  It would have been 66 if 14 other matches hadn’t been scattered around the weekend at various times.  I mean Friday night.  Who wants to watch football on a Friday night?  It’s not natural.  Football is meant to be played at 3pm on a Saturday!  Don’t get me started.

Right, well I have obviously seen what The Grambler has predicted for us this week and what can I say?  Arrrgh! seems appropriate.

Game – Result – Odds

Yeovil vs Nottingham Forest – Draw – 11/4

Righto off we go.  The Grambler’s first selection takes us to Huish Park where the Glovers play host to the Foresters – sounds like two families having afternoon tea – ‘Another scone Mrs Forester?’ ‘Why, thank you, Mrs Glover.’ [Get on with it – Ed] And he/she/it has predicted a draw.  Hmm.  Methinks The Grambler has been at the sherbet again.  Yeovil are sitting slap bang at the bottom of the Championship (Here we go again.  It’s League 2!!!) on 6 points and have won only one game this season and that was on the 10^th of August.  Forest, on the other hand, are currently in 4^th spot having lost only 3 games out of the 12 played so far.  In The Grambler’s favour is the fact that out of those 12 games, Forest have drawn 5.  Two of those draws were this month, but both were against fiercer opposition than they meet on this occasion.  We can’t even check previous encounters between these two because this is the first time they have met since 2008, Yeovil only gaining promotion to the Championship this year.  Their league position does not lie – they are struggling.  A draw?  I think it is fair to say that The Grambler has got this one totally and completely wrong!

Motherwell link: Nottingham Forest Manager Billy Davies was a player with the ‘Well from 1993-98 making 116 appearances.  In 1998 he was appointed manager and stayed until 2001.  He is a very good friend of Tommy Sheridan (But not such a good friend that he would take part in a threesome.  Definitely not.  No way.  He states that quite categorically.  Through a lawyer and everything.). 

Carlisle United vs Bristol City – Home – 7/4

This is the second week running that The Grambler has selected Carlisle – last week’s prediction of a draw against Oldham went belly up with Oldham taking all the points and Carlisle boss Graham Kavanagh got sent to the stands for being sarky.  He applauded the ref’s decision when it went the way of the Cumbrians.  And the ref sent him to the stands for it.  Twat!  Kavanagh later said, ‘The referee gives an awful decision and then he's completely inconsistent for the rest of his game.’  I’m sorry?  So what you’re saying is that he was making correct decisions for the rest of the game?

Any road up, to this game.  We visit Brunton Park where the Cumbrians play host to the Robins.  The Grambler predicts that this will end in Carlisle’s favour and I have to agree with him/her/it on this one.  Carlisle are on a bit of a run right now – well, if you discount that one game against Oldham – they haven’t been beaten since 7^th September and are gradually working their way up the table.  Not bad going.  Bristol, on the other hand, are rooted to the bottom of the table at number 24; their six points coming from six draws – they have yet to win a game.  Yeah.  With The Grambler on this.  Deffo.

Notts County vs Preston North End – Draw – 13/5

For our third selection we head south to the Midlands, to Meadow Lane where the Magpies take on the Whites.  County are having a crap season having only one point more than Bristol City so they are in position number – Can you guess?  Yes 23.  Their 7 points come from two wins and a draw.  So they have lost three quarters of the games they have played.  Preston, however, are sitting pretty in 4^th spot having lost only two games.  Do you understand the point I am making here Grambler?  Notts County have lost 9 and Preston have lost 2.  And you think it will end in a draw?  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  I think you will have realised - I do not agree.

Cracking names of the week time.  Yes you read that right – names.  Plural.  Seems you don’t get into the Notts County squad without a cracking name so here goes – first up goalies Bartosz Bialkowski and Fabian Spiess, defender Mustapha Dumbuya, midfielders Joss Labadie and Jamal Campbell-Ryce and finally forwards Enoch Showunmi and Romello Nangle.  Those names are just brill!  Unfortunately for Notts County having terrific names does not equate to having a terrific squad.

Motherwell link: Preston’s Chris Humphrey used to play for the Mighty Well.  I told you.  Yes I did.  The last time The Grambler picked Preston.  Do you remember.  I did tell you.  He’s fast.  Have you forgotten?  You’ve got visitors coming soon.  I’ll make you a nice cup of tea when they arrive.  Have you been?

Port Vale vs Gillingham – Draw – 12/5

Next we are off to New Vale Park where the Vale take on the Gills.  The Grambler, for the third time, has predicted a draw.  Hmm.  Interesting one, this.  Port Vale are currently sitting in 12^th spot, pop pickers with Gillingham down at 17^th.  Not arf.  Both teams won on Tuesday evening, albeit against weaker opposition ie. teams well down the table.  You would think that Port Vale, being higher up the table and with home advantage, ought to win this.  But hold on there.  Gillingham have an interim manager, Peter Taylor, who is desperate for the job to be made permanent.  Perhaps his desire to win could work in the Gills’ favour.  That is why I am sticking my neck out (There you are. That’s a bloody good tortoise impression.) and agreeing with The Grambler on this one [hardly sticking your neck out, then – Ed].  Yep I think a draw is a pretty good prediction.

Mansfield Town vs Plymouth Argyle – Away – 7/2

And finally Cyril?  And finally Esther we head to Field Mill where the Stags play host to the Pilgrims.  The Grambler has gone for an away win on this one.  The Stags, who have only this season been promoted to Division 2 (It's f*%*@*g Division 4!!!) currently sit 7^th in the table and the Pilgrams are a little bit lower in – oh bugger – 19^th.  Come on Grambler, what are you doing to us?  There’s Mansfield who have lost only three games so far this season against Argyle who have won only two.  And you reckon that Plymouth Argyle can take all three points.  Nope!  No chance.

Here’s an interesting fact – Obviously, the Pilgrims are named after the religious mob the Pilgrim Fathers who colonised the New World in 1620, well Mansfield Town also have a religious connection – they were founded in 1897 as Mansfield Wesleyans.  Isn’t that interesting? [obviously your interpretation of the word ‘interesting’ is the same as everyone else’s for ‘boring’ – Ed]

 

I reckon the odds tell the whole story.  We haven’t a hope in hell this week.  If all five results as predicted by the grambler come up the odds are over 567/1.  That means for my 20 pee stake The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund would receive £113.60.  That is ludicrous and I can assure you it just will not happen.  No, I am not being pessimistic – just realistic.

What, I hear you ask, about the cowardy bet?  I don’t really hear you ask.  Don’t worry those of you of a nervous disposition, I’m not hiding behind the couch listening to you asking about the cowardy bet.  That would be silly as well as a bit creepy.  Well, even that (if all selections come up) gives us crazy odds of over 125/1.  That means a huge possible return of £25.76.  Nonsense.  It will not win.  It just won’t.  Okay, maybe a couple of bets will come up, possibly three, but all five?  Doubt it.

So this is what you could do.  You could take on the bet as I have [Pillock! – Ed] or you could be ultra-cowardly and simply donate your ‘stake money’ to http://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 and that means it goes straight to that wonderful charity the Bobby Moore Fund which is trying hard to kick cancer’s arse.  Specifically bowel cancer’s arse, which is rather apt.

But then you will have that niggling doubt.  What if.  What if The Grambler has got it right?  What if I put that £2.20 bet on and it came up?  That would mean a return £139.36!  Woo hoo!

Fellow gramblers – the decision is yours.

 

Before I go - How's my Grambling?

 

I know there are many readers of The Grambler from all over the world - and other places.  So, I would welcome your feedback.  You can contact me at thegrambler@hotmail.co.uk .  I Look forward to reading your messages.