Week 9 results: V is for victoriousness!

It has been said that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, over an infinite period of time one of them will bash out some Shakespeare.  It has never explicitly been stated where one would acquire such a number of typewriters in this day and age and under which circumstances the health and safety folks would actually let this take place.  But anyway, the point is that in a similar vein, The Grambler was likely to eventually throw up a winner.  And that time is now!  Well actually, it was about 4 0'clock in the morning on Wednesday...

In previous weekends, we have had odds of around 1,500/1.  Unfortunately, this weekend was substantially lower but the £49 won is almost enough to travel back in time to April 1787 (please note: expenses for the invention and use of a time-travelling machine or device have not been included) and purchase the Lardin House Inn located in Masontown, Pennsylvania.  Alternatively, it will be more than welcome in the Bobby Moore Fund fund, which has now reached... (the audience hushes in anticipation, Dermot O'Leary feigns a somewhat anguished look and a persistent rhythm not dissimilar to that of a heartbeat can be heard faintly in the background...) 

£59.03!!!

This victory was not without controversy; two accumulator bets were placed as a result of complicated online betting procedures.  The first contained just two games taking place on Friday night and was incorrect thanks to Scotland's almost inevitable loss (thank you Mr Levein, it would be sweetly poetic if the door DID hit you on your way out).  The second coupon contained the five games taking place on Tuesday and Wednesday and this, my friends, was the bet which has made history!*

*May not actually have made history. 

Game 1: Venezuela vs Ecuador

Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )

Ecuador will be happy with a point away from home which has kept them in second place, biting at the heels of Argentina like an otter who knows you have fish in your socks.  But it was the home side who dominated at the Estadio General José Antonio Anzoátegui (named after a man with the finest sideburns of the early 19th century.)  Captain Juan Arango (as in footballing team captain, he's not in the military or anything) was in fine form, and had his side in front early in the game with a stunning long strike giving Venezuela the lead within six minutes of the start.  However, Ecuador pulled even on the 22nd minute when Segundo Castillo equalised.  Arango tested the keeper once more from long distance and also hit the crossbar with a similar effort, but Venezuela had to settle for a single point.  The draw managed to push Venezuela into the top four which would be enough to take them to their first World Cup.  But there is still a long road ahead and Chile and Uruguay will also be eyeing fourth place.  Speaking of Uruguay...

Game 2: Bolivia vs Uruguay

Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )

What a seamless transition!  The country of Bolivia is named for Simón José Antonio de la Santísima Trinidad Bolívar y Palacios Ponte y Blanco.  Presumably Simónjoséantoniodelasantísimatrinidadbolívarypalaciosponteyblancoland was deemed to be less catchy.  Their national team have qualified just once for a World Cup back in 1994, and gave their hopes of making this one a major boost with a fine win over better-fancied Uruguay.  Carlos Saucedo opened the scoring early and Gualberto Mojica made it two minutes later with a cracking free-kick.  After the interval, Saucedo added a third before claiming his hat-trick before the game had reached the hour mark.  Luis Saurez scored a consolation goal for the visitors with only ten-minutes remaining, but the home-team were already celebrating the win.  Disappointed Uruguay manager  Oscar Tabarez went all Craig Levein on us at the end of the match, stating "we must keep focused, there are seven finals remaining.

Game 3: Chile vs Argentina

Prediction: Away win ( ✔ )

Chile went into this game knowing that a win would see them move within two points of the top-spot.  But Argentina were determined to maintain pole position and managed to take all three points, much to the disgust of Chilean ambassador Jon Benjamin.  Lionel Messi opened the scoring in the 28th minute with his third of the international break for Argentina.  Three minutes later, the Argentines had doubled their lead thanks to Gonzalo Higuian.  Chile created a host of chances but failed to score until stoppage time when Felipe Guttierez grabbed a consolation.  The draw has left the Chileans sixth in their group, but joint on points with Venezuela and Uruguay. And a joke to round-off the South American action; What do you call a Thundercat who plays for Argentina and lives with his mother who is repeatedly begging him to tidy his room? Lion-O Messy!

Game 4: Oman vs Jordan

Prediction:Home win ( ✔ )

A win for Oman Sultan Qaboos Sports Complex took level with Australia in the race for qualification from the Asian groups.  Ahmed Mubarak opened the scoring after 62 minutes and Juma Al Maashari made it two with three minutes remaining in the tie.  But Oman were in for a nail-biting finish as Jordanian Tha'er Bawab pulled one back immediately after.  The Omanians, if there is such a word, held on to take all three points much to the delight of Paul le Guen.  Yep, that's where he ended up.

Game 5: Wales vs Scotland

Prediction: Draw ( x )

Where to start with this, our only incorrect prediction of the week?  We could blame the officials for incorrectly ruling out Steven Fletcher's goal which have put Scotland two in front.  We could blame Gareth Balee for taking yet-another 'unfortunate' tumble in the box to win his side a penalty (something that seems to happen week-in week-out but he gets away with because he's the poster-boy for the Best League in the World™ and not one of them 'dirty forrins').  But really, it is much more satisfying to blame the all-round cluelessness of the manager.  Some facts for you:  

• Berti Vogts lost the Scotland job after taking just two points in the opening three qualifiers for Euro 2006
• George Burley lost the support of the fans and the media when he won only three games in the qualifiers for the 2010 World Cup, his one full campaign
• Burley was finally sacked after losing against Wales in Cardiff

Craig Levein has now managed to emulate all three of the above.  He is now officially the worst Scotland manager in history (and highest paid!), yet still claims that he is doing things right.  Please leave, Mr Levein... We all know you are reading this!  Oh and I'm meant to say what happened during the game...  Morrison put Scotland in front, Bale dived for a penalty and scored it, Bale scored a second.     

Game 6: Romania vs Netherlands

Prediction: Away win ( ✔ )

Romania's perfect start to the qualifying stages came to an end on Tuesday evening as Holland scored four to preserve their status as favourites in the group.  Jermain Lens was first on the scoresheet in the 11th minute when he headed in from 20 yards.  That's some header!  Bruno Martins added a second when he headed in from a Rafael van der Vaart free-kick but the home side were given some hope when Ciprian Marca pulled one back with five minutes to go until half-time.  But before the referee could signal the end of the half, Gabriel Tamas conceded a penalty which was calmly scored by van der Vaart.  The second half was not to be as eventful and Romania rarely looked like coming back into the match.  In the 86th minute, Robin van Persie sealed the win with a fourth for the Dutch, who now look certain to qualify for the World Cup.  Romania meanwhile have slipped to third in their group but will hope that they don't Romania there.  

Game 7: England vs San Marino

Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )

The mighty England took another step towards qualification thanks to a flawless win against their fierce rivals... er, San Marino.  Or I imagine that's how The Sun will have spun it on Saturday morning.  Although a comfortable win for England, it took them a while to get into their stride.  For the first third of the match, the minnows put up a good fight and it took a penalty call for England in the 35th minute to start the goals flowing.  Wayne Rooney diverted the penalty and minutes later, his Manchester United team-mate Danny Wellbeck had made it two.  In the 69th minute, Rooney got his second and not to be outdone, Wellbeck once again scored minutes later.  England added a fifth via a goal from Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who described his goal as 'spiffing' before hopping onto his thoroughbred horse, yelling "pip-pip and tally-ho" and riding back to his manor where his butler Reginald awaited him with a bowl of caviare and a fine brandy.   

Back to league football tomorrow and it's probably best not to get carried away on the back of one win.  But I can say with 100% accuracy that we will definitely be winning again this weekend!

"Winning is only half of it. Having fun is the other half."

                                                                         - Bum Phillips (Really, his name is Bum!)

Week 9: International Rescue!

Did you hear about the pack of Polos who took on some Foxes Glaciers at a game of football for no specified reason?

It was a MINTERNATIONAL!

Another weekend of World Cup qualifying matches and whilst there are options to choose from the lower domestic leagues, that would just be boring.  So this week, we focus on the international matches meeting the following criteria:

• Are full internationals (no friendlies, no under 21s, etc.)
• Count towards qualifying for the 2014 World Cup
• Occur between the 12th and 16th of October

This long weekend technically has two rounds of qualifiers and so we could see the same team appearing twice in the predictions.  However, I am going to allow this as:

• It gives us more choice of games
• I'm going away for the weekend anyway so there is no chance of the results appearing until at least Wednesday

Thankfully our racism-enduring, bribe-welcoming, corruption-riddled, technophobic overlords at FIFA have provided us with a handy list of fixtures from which we can Gramble.  So without further need for unnecessary bullet-pointed lists, here are the predictions:

• The predictions are below

Game 1: Venezuela vs Ecuador

Prediction: Draw

Venezuela has been in the news this week as President and fellow bowel cancer sufferer (we call each other bowellies, as in 'Whassup ma bowelly?') Hugo Chávez secured re-election and celebrated by making a bus driver his vice president.  This game gives Venezuela the chance to leapfrog their opponents in the qualifying group and depending on other results over the weekend, they could go joint second top.  The 'Zuela defeated Paraguay in their previous qualifying match thanks to a double from Rubin Kazan forward José Rondón.  Whilst the people of Venezuela have had much to celebrate this week, the people of Ecuador have been rather gloomy, thanks to the news that banana production is down by 25%. Thankfully, their football team are flying high in the qualifying group and currently sit just one point below leaders Argentine.  Coach Reinaldo Rueda has confirmed that Manchester United's Antonio Valencia will miss out but is still confident of a win to keep pressure on the leaders.  Ecuador also play fellow top-spot challengers Chile this evening, whilst Venezuela get to sit this one out.  Could the additional match count against them?
Reliability balls: 6/10

Game 2: Bolivia vs Uruguay

Prediction: Home win
Staying in South America like a (insert ill-judged and erroneous kidnapping victim joke here) we are off to La Paz.  And as Micky Dolenz once sang, "then I saw her face, now I'm a Bolivia..."  The football team also seem to have been prone to monkeying around lately, as they currently sit joint bottom of the group with just four points from seven games.  A win against fellow strugglers Peru this evening could boost their confidence ahead of this tie.   And thanks to a confusing time-lapse in this weeks write-up which Marty McFly would be proud of, I can tell you that this game ended 1-1; Peru taking the lead through Juan Carlos Marino and Bolivia whilst Bolivia grabbed an equaliser via Alejandro Chumacero.  Urruguay are team that more of us will be familiar with thanks to stand-out players such as Diego Forlan, Edison Cavani and horrible, racist, diving cheat Luis Saurez.  Saurez has been in the news once again this week as FA vice-chairman Jim Boyce said that his diving was a 'cancer' of the game.  In response, Saurez fell over and clutched his leg, rolling around in faux-agony.  Uruguay visited Argentina last night and were the students of a Lionel Messi master-class, as a brace from the striker and another from Sergio Aguero resulted in a comfortable victory.
Reliability balls: 4/10

Game 3: Chile vs Argentina

Prediction: Away win

The Grambler sure does like a spot of South American football!  Chile sit fifth in the qualifying group just now, but their chances of making the finals were dealt a blow last night with a 3-1 defeat at the hands of Ecuador.  Two goals from Felipe Caicedo and a late one from Segundo Castillo sealed the win for the hosts.  Chile only grabbed a consolation through an own goal from Juan Carlos Parades, who will not be eligible to play for them against Argentina.  In addition, the dismissal of both Pablo Contreras and Arturo Vidal means that they will be missing key players for this tie.  Chile had started their qualifiers in spicy form but unfortunately, that form has been peppered with inconsistencies.  The same cannot be said of group leaders Argentina.  Favourites to top the group from the start, they have lived up to this promise and have taken seventeen points from eight games.  However, with Colombia and Ecuador snapping at their heels, Argentina will be desperate to win this game and gibe themselves some breathing space at the helm of the group.  With players like Messi, Higuain, Mascherano and Aguero in their ranks, it should be easy to guarantee a win.  But if they fail to achieve victory, don't cry for them.
Reliability balls: 5/10

Game 4: Oman vs Jordan

Prediction:Home win
What can be said about this tie that we don't already know?  A hotly anticipated fixture, one that has hardly been out of the newspapers since the fixtures list was announced, between two of the footballing greats.  It is said that in the UK, Oman replica shirts outsell 'Frankie Says Relax' t-shirts at a ratio of 14:1 [citation needed].  Oman are currently rock-bottom of Group B in the Asian qualifying matches.  But they have taken two points from their three matches so it is not all bad.  The problem is that they have only scored one goal thus far.  Can they overcome their shyness in front of goal to take their first win?  Their opponents in this match are reality TV whore and former glamour model Jordan.  Currently 78th in the FIFA rankings, they sit second in the qualifying group, behind foregone conclusion Japan.  They have one win, one draw and one loss so far, but eight goals conceded in these matches suggests a leaky defence and/or crap keeper.  Captain Amer Deeb has said that Jordan will be hard to beat during this campaign.  Unfortunately for him, his surname is defined in the Urban Dictionary thusly:   "Shortened version of Duckbutter, or the accumulation of sweat, vaginal discharge, anal seepage, semen,  blood, saliva, urine, etc. around the taint/gooch area."
Reliability balls: ?/10

Game 5: Wales vs Scotland

Prediction: Draw
“We can play better than that and will do in our next match.”  I bookmarked that quote back in September following a dire draw with Macedonia.  The quotee (if there is such a word) is, of course, Mr Craig Levein.  And the reason for remembering this quote is so that, should Scotland get any less than a win this evening, I have proof that Levein is not only a terrible manager, but also a liar and should resign immediately.  Worryingly, in the lead up to this game Levein has said "we will treat this game as we have treated every other one."  So the game plan is 'have Kenny Miller run about up front whilt the rest of the team occasionally punt the ball towards them but generally aim for a point.'  Obviously Scotland's campaign could have gone worse.  Days after a goalless draw with Serbia last month, Scotland were embarrassed by a 1-1 draw with Macedonia.  Meanwhile, Wales were being mauled 6-1 by Serbia.  So, using science to calculate football results, Scotland should win this one 6-1, right?  Steven Fletcher and Levein have (thankfully) put aside their differences but expect the Lovable Tramp on the touchline to remain too stubborn to play.  I firmly believe that Kenny Miller has pictures or some other dirt on the gaffer...  For the Welshlings, 'greatest footballer in Britain and 100% non-diver' (copyrighted by Match of the Day) has been declared fit but Bernard's son Adam Matthews is likely to miss out.
Reliability balls: 6/10

Game 6: Romania vs Netherlands

Prediction: Away win
In what could be an exciting battle for the top-spot in Group D, both teams have a 100% record going into this game and the result could determine the eventual winners.  Romania gained their third successive win against Turkey last night thanks to a single goal from Gheorghe Grozav.  Current captain Răzvan Raț has impressed at both national level and club level with Shakhtar Donetsk and thinks that his team can top the group.  Which is pretty good considering he only took to football when the Romanian TV station Antena 1 dropped the defender from their version of this classic.  The Netherlands will also be keen to make the World Cup finals having finished as runners-up at the last tournament, thanks to their combination of football and mixed martial arts.  They have had convincing wins over Turkey, Hungary and Andorra in the group and  could face their toughest challenge to date in the in-form Romania.  Following tlast night's 3-0 over Andorra, Netherlands coach Louis Van Gaal said that his team had "not done enough" and so will surely be expecting goals galore on Tuesday.  It has also be reported that he has been suffering from crystalline concretions formed within the bladder by accretion of bile components.  Yes, he has Gaalstones.

Reliability balls: 7/10

Game 7: England vs San Marino

Prediction: Home win

Engerland play host, a team who are renowned for losing.  In typical England fashion, the squad has warmed up for this qualifier by making front page news for all the wrong reasons.  We have John Terry, the massive racist, making the front pages for being a massive racist.  Then there's his Chelsea team-mate, Ashley Cole, who decided that the best way to enamour himself to the beaks at the FA on the week of his 100th cap was to call them a #bunchoftwats, which translates to 'bunch of twats' for those of you are not Twitter literate.  Or Twilliterate as it should be called.  And then there is Jermaine Defoe, who last night was caught with a hotel room full of midget hookers and a no less than FIFTEEN boxes of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.  Please note, only two of these controversies are real.  See if you can spot the fake story.  San Marino, meanwhile, are still looking for their first competitive football win and have only won one game in their history, a 1-0 victory over fellow minnows Liechtenstein.  Still, they get bonus points for having a name that rhymes with Dan Marino, the American football guy in Ace Venture.   
Reliability balls: 9/10

Not a bad bet this week, eh?  Or it would be the case if I could actually find an online betting firm which was actually willing to accept the bet!  It would appear that South American games in five days time are rather hard to place a bet on so I will be going old-school and strolling into a bookmakers in an attempt to place this one!

I shall update all missing information on Saturday morning and with any luck, the bet will still be on.  If either of tonight's bets go wrong, I shall be cheating and sticking a five-folds on for the others.  

STOP THE PRESSES!  As an update to this, I was not even able to place this bet at an old-school bookmakers last night.  And fortunately so as Scotland lived up to expectations by losing to a team with one good (diving) player on the night.  So the bet is still technically on, I shall place the five-folds on Monday morning and that should mean that the chances of winning have improved...

Happy Gramblin'!

Week 4.5 Results: Happy Day of Conception to all our Russian readers!

The first midweek Grambling session did not end well.  In spite of what looked like a reasonable bet, only two results of the five turned out to be correct.  I think I might just stick to the weekend's from here onwards as I cannot handle the agony of losing twice weekly.

Without further agadoo, here is how my bet went wrong this time:

Game 1: Slovakia vs Liechtenstein

Prediction: Home win (Woohoo!)

This had to happen.  It would have been ridiculously embarrassing for Slovakia to lose to a team 104 places below them in the FIFA rankings.  I suppose this could have been considered a bit of a grudge match considering Slovakia once attempted to steal Liechtenstein.  And it certainly was not the friendliest of matches with the referee producing seven yellow cards.  But Slovakia won this game reasonably comfortably with a goal in either half.  Marek Sapara scored the first with a tap in after most of the Steinies' defence fell over whilst trying to clear a cross.  The second came from subsitute Martin Jakubko, who raced through onto a Miroslav Stoch through-ball to beat the onrushing keeper and seal the victory.  Following the match, the Slovak's coach Stanislav Griga said "they ruled their universe with absolute power. Well that football field out there, that's our universe."  Oh wait, that was Denzel Washington in Remember the Titans...

Game 2: England vs Ukraine

Prediction: Home win (D'oh!)

England, supreme rulers and inventors of football, played host to Ukraine in their second qualifier and took a point,  as many of today's newspapers decided that their campaign was doomed due to failure to win one game.  Yevgeni Konoplianka gave the visitors the lead in the first half with a splendid long-range strike and it looked like Ukraine would be taking all of the points home, along with one of the corner flags that goalkeeper Andriy Pyatov pinched for a laugh.  But much to their disgust, England won a penalty in the closing minutes as the referee forgot that Ukraine had 'any-man-save' and penalised Yevgen Khacherdi for a handball.  Fat Frank Lampard calmly placed the kick into the net to give England a point.  Their was still time for some late drama as violent thug Steven Gerrard received a second yellow card for his usual violent thuggery, but it was too late to affect the game in any way.  Roy Hodgson will probably be pleased with the point and even more pleased that the Flower and Produce Show is almost upon us in The Archers.  For some reason, I think he may be a big fan.

Game 3: Cyprus vs Iceland

Prediction: Home win (Woohoo!)

For the first time in the history of this tie, Cyprus have defeated Iceland!  Granted, that history only equates to five matches... Iceland created a host of chances with Spurs' midfielder Gylfi Sigurdsson in fine form, but the Cypriots dug their heels in and defended well and their hard-work paid-off in the second half when Konstantinos Makridisn scored from 12 yards.  Iceland could have equalised just minutes after this goal, but Alfred Finnbogason's effort crashed off the crossbar.  With five minutes to go, desperation and frustration got to the visitors as Solvi Ottesen was given his marching orders for using foul and abusive language toward the referee.  It has not been widely reported exactly what happened during the exchange of words, but I can confirm that Ottesen said to the official "mamma þín er með rusl ketill", which roughly translates to "your mum has a shit kettle".  

Game 4: Paraguay vs Venezuela

Predication: Home wins (D'oh!)
Venezuela boosted their chances of appearing at the World Cup by moving up the South American table and leaving Paraguay trailing at the bottom.  Of the table, obviously.  It now looks like the home side will not be going to Brazil, at least not on official business.  I suppose some of them might go on holiday or to visit their Great Aunt Milagros.  Paraguay had looked like the better side for most of the first half, but moments before the break, Venezuela's Cesar Gonzalez played a perfect pass through the defence for Jose Solomon Rondon to open the scoring.  And he got his second after half-time when Paraguayan keeper Justo Villar spilled a long range free-kick, allowing him to tap the ball into the net.  Interesting fact about Man of the Match Rondon; his name is an anagram of Sod Loners Mojo Noon.  So there.   

Game 5: Serbia vs Wales

Prediction: Away win (Hahahahahahahahahaha!)

The less said about this the better.  So to keep it short and sweet; 6-1, Wales were crap, Grambler was wrong.  Boyo.

On a side-note, we all know you're reading this Craig Levein!  So come on now, do the honourable thing...  Go to the Bobby Moore Fund website and give them some of that massive wage that you are doing nothing to justify!

Things get back to normal at the weekend as league football returns.  And a win is definitely forthcoming, I can feel it my ovaries!  Please come back on Friday; I'll be your best friend!  Until then, consider this quote to help us through these losing times:

"Winners have to absorb losses"

 - The great philosopher that is Ice-T (Mr T's son)

Week 4 Results: The sweet, sweet taste of (infuriatingly mild) success!

Yes, you did read that right... A successful weekend for The Grambler!  Not only did I manage to reach a new record for correct predictions, but I also won a grand total of £1.75! I had previously stated that I would half any winnings with the Bobby Moore Fund this week but I'm feeling so darn generous that I'm just going to give the whole lot to charity.  That makes the grand total for the season so far... £1.75!  

Obviously, the only way that I won anything at all was by changing the rules slightly to place a different bet from the usual seven-folds coupon.  I think that this may be something that I shall do for the rest of the season following of a few hours of mathematical contemplation during which the following complex equation was formed:

(£1.75>diddly-squat)^x

x

(Note: X=football)

Them resulty things:

Game 1: Lebanon vs Australia
Prediction: Draw (Nope)

The main bet was lost as early as Thursday night, as Australia eased to a victory over Lebanon.  This proved to be the perfect warm-up for the Socceroos as they begin their World Cup qualifying campaign against Jordan this week.  I wouldn't imagine that they would need too much practice to beat Katie Price at football... There is also a joke in there about her taking on eleven men but I intend to keep this blog family-friendly.  Tim Cahill opened the scoring early on; a man of many talents, Tim has a writing credit for a television show called 'My Gym Partner's a Monkey' amongst many other classics.  Matt McKay doubled the lead before half-time and Archie Thompson sealed the win in the dying minutes of the match.  Following this tie, Thompson went on to prove the importance of Twitter by informing the world that he was watching Cable Guy and that it was 'funny shiz'.  I shall sleep well knowing this.  Lebanon do not get much of a mention in any available match reports but they deserve credit just for having a manager called Theo Bucker, whose name can be turned into a cracking spoonerism suggesting someone lacking in the personal hygiene department...

Game 2: Albania vs Cyprus
Result: Draw (Nope)

I have found one minor problem with The Grambler tackling International games... When a tie like this pops up, it is virtually impossible to find a match review.  Albania's goals come from Sadiku, Çani and Bogdani with Cyprus given some hope via a Laban goal... That's all I know.  To fill you in on the rest of the details, here is some Albanian guy filtered through Google translate: "Good beginning of Albania's national team 2014 World Cup Qualifiers, which will be held in Brazil, as well as the first victory against Cyprus Country Team with favourable outcome 3-1 must be satisfied result for the Albanian national team and fans himself let us guide you around with such victories during the 2014 world Cup qualifiers will probably have the opportunity to be able to qualify for Brazil during 2014, for the first time and we enjoy all of the worldwide Albanian nation."

What he said.

Game 3: Holland vs Turkey
Prediction: Home win (Yep)

As James Hetfield once sang, "we're off to Nether-Netherlands."  Both teams had their chances in this game but Holland found their finishing touch (Or should that be Dutch?  No, it shouldn't.) that had clearly deserted them during this summer's European Championship.  The Oranje took the lead from the goal-machine that is Robin Van Persie as he headed home Wesley Sneijder's cross after seventeen minutes.  In what appears to have been quite a close match, Turkey had a number of chances to equalise and Holland had a number of chances to increase their lead.  It wasn't until stoppage time that Holland's PSV winger Luciano Narsingh sealed the win with a good finish on the counter-attack.  The most entertaining moment of the match must have come at this moment however (taken from goal.com): "Martins Indi stamps on Martins Indi's foot after the defender gives him a push in midfield".  The highlights of that incident must be hilarious!

Game 4: Russia vs Northern Ireland
Prediction: Home win (Yep)
The luck of the (Northern) Irish was absent on Friday evening as they returned from Russia with love (in a tennis sense)...  Russia had been favourites going into this match and proved why with a solid performance and a 2-0 win.  The Russians took the lead on the half-hour mark as Viktor Fayzulin put the ball into the corner of the net, therefore giving sports journalists everywhere the opportunity to stick the word Viktor-y into their headlines.  Northern Ireland never created any meaningful chances and Russia failed to make the most of their possession until the 74th minute when Alexander Kokorin fell over in the vicinity of Craig Cathcart and a penalty was awarded in spite of the visitors protests.  (Incidently, it is never to early to think about Christmas shopping and what better way to let your children know how much you love them than with a jigsaw of a photo of Craig Cathcart taken seven years ago?  Yours for just £15.32!)  Roman Shirokov, who is not really a Roman, sent Roy Carrol the wrong way to finalise the Viktor-y for Russia, who then presumably danced the Trepak from Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker.    

Game 5: Andorra vs Hungary
Prediction: Away win (Yep)
In another match that seems to lack any kind of report in English, Hungary proved that they were more Hungary for the win.  You can either watch the highlights here or enjoy my slightly fictional account.  Hungary took the lead on twelve minutes when Roland Juhasz cleared the ball from his own line with an overhead kick only for the ball to find the net at the opponents end of the pitch.  Captain Zoltan Gera (as in football captain, not pirate) scored a penalty to the double the lead after some Andorran player did something naughty inside the box, to put the visitors 2-0 at half-time.  After the break, Adam Szalai kicked the ball really hard and it went waaaay up in the air and bounced off of an aeroplane and did a goal on the way back down.  The referee then suffered an LSD flashback in which he imagined that Tamás Priskin had scored a goal by picking the ball up with his teeth and flying into the net whilst rainbows shot out of his ears, and so awarded a goal much to the confusion of the Andorran players.  For the last ten minutes of the game, the Hungarians sat in the centre circle drinking tea.  As Andorra's Josep Gómes took a goal-kick, the ball bounced off Hungarian tea-lady Vladimir Koman and ended up in the back of the net to complete a perplexing victory.

Game 6: Luxembourg vs Portugal
Prediction: Away win (Yep)
A surprisingly narrow victory for Portugal at the Stade Josy Barthel (I initially read this as Stade Joey Barton and was slightly confused) placed them second behind Russia in Group F.  Luxembourg shocked the Portuguese by taking the lead in the 13th minute as  Daniel da Mota put a sweet strike into the top right-hand corner of the net.  Somewhat ironically, da Mota is in fact Portuguese but has Luxembourgian or Luxembourgish citizenship.  The underdog's lead was only to last for fifteen minutes however as Joao Moutinho took advantage of some comical defending to set-up Cronaldo for his 37th international goal.  The 'bourg would have been pretty chuffed at the break to be holding the 'guese to a draw, but a tactical change by Portugal for the second-half resulted in more confusion for the home side's defence.  Winger  Silvestre Varela was introduced to make the away side more attacking and it paid off in the 54th minute when Hélder Postiga scored an easy goal from yet another Joao Moutinho assist.  Luxembourg never really recovered after this and did well to prevent a higher scoreline.  This seems far too normal, here is a funny old man singing a song in Luxembourg.      

Game 7: Latvia vs Greece
Prediction: Home (Nope)
In spite of being poor (and not just in a footballing sense), Greece managed to do the job in Riga as they won 2-1.  However, it was Latvia who looked more determined from the start and were rewarded when they took the lead after forty minutes of play.  Aleksandrs Cauņa (pronounced [t͡sɑu'ɲɑ]) scored from the penalty spot with a penalty after Greece were penalised with a penalty.  A hungrier Greece appeared for the second-half, largely because they couldn't afford any biscuits for the break, and Nikos Spyropoulos levelled the match just before the 60th minute with a long range drive.  If I ever write a novel about a detective struggling to find the truth in a Dystopian future, it will definitely be called Spyropoulos.  Following this goal, Greece appeared to be in control of the match but were weakened when Giorgios Samaras was taken off injured shortly afterwards, probably a result of 'falling over under minimal contact whilst gesturing to the referee to inform him that every time he falls over it is a definite foul' one too many times.  But this set-back did not stop them from seeking a winner as Greek geek Theofanis Gekas literally waltzed into the box before literally rifling a shot into the net.  Literally.  Manager Fernando Santos was so pleased with the win that he passed a bag of Mini Cheddars around the dressing room for all to share.

Four out of seven results correct to set a new record for The Grambler!  Despite this, and actually winning money, I am money down this week as I did not get the full stake back from my Super Heinz.  However, as promised the winnings will go into my collection to be be presented to The Bobby Moore Fund at the season's end, hopefully via a giant novelty cheque.  I am learning more about the world of betting each week and will hopefully soon have a method that will guarantee the occasional decent return.

There are a number of international games taking place in the midweek so I am tempted to have The Grambler pick another coupon.  Mostly because I have nothing better to do with my time.  Keep an eye on this page, the Facebook page and that Twitter thing tomorrow afternoon for the outcome!

Week 4: The Grambler goes international!

And so we reach the first international break of the season.  In the original Grambler framework, I forget to consider such weekends and so have had to make up the rules on the spot.  If I stick to the British league football this weekend, it will only include League 1 and League 2 and be ridiculously boring.  If I opt for the international games, we shall all have a far more exciting weekend, as we nervously await the score for El Salvador vs Guyana.

I shall not be including the under-17/19/21 matches are taking place, only full internationals.  There are a handful of friendlies taking place so I have included them in the count because... well, why not?  I am also Grambling a day early this week as some matches are taking place on Thursday evening and the majority are arranged for Friday evening, so I am giving you all a chance to place your winning bets.

If Blackburn Rovers make an appearance, I swear I am going on a killing spree...

Game 1: Lebanon vs Australia
Prediction: Draw

We start of with two countries not exactly renowned for having successful football teams.  As a country,  Lebanon has a history rife with sectarian violence and killings.  Just like Glasgow!  And they are currently living in fear of the civil war in Syria spilling across the border.  Just like Glasgow! The football team currently sit at number 124 in the FIFA world rankings, sandwiched between those other footballing behemoths, Botswana and Kenya.  They have qualified for just one major tournament, the Asian Cup in 2000, and I think it's safe to say that they won't be booking flights to Brazil in a hurry.  Australia have a national team that will be slightly more familiar to most of us.  Managed by Michael J. Dundee, the Socceroos are 99 places above their opponents in the FIFA rankings and have already attended three World Cups.  Premiership fans will be familiar with a number of squad members including Mark Schwarzer, Tim Cahill and Lou Carpenter.  Australia are clearly the superior team here, but here's the catch; it's a friendly!  Hopefully the Aussies will send out an experimental eleven who are told to avoid injuries.  And hopefully Lebanon attempt to restore some pride for their recent poor form whilst playing on home turf... A home win would be far-fetched but a draw?  Perhaps.

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 7/2  

Game 2: Albania vs Cyprus
Result: Draw
Interesting fact of the day: Fantastically named Zog, the founder of the modern Albanian state, is the only known monarch to respond to an assassination attempt by chasing the attackers and shooting back whilst wounded.  Albania will be looking to channel this mentalist's fighting spirit as they start their qualifying campaign against Cyprus.  It has certainly rubbed off on current captain Lorik Cana, who may be remembered by some Makems after spending one season at Sunderland.  In thirty-one games for the Black Cats, he was booked ten times and sent off once.  Albania are currently 84th in FIFA's rankings and finished second bottom of their Euro 2012 qualifying group.  But this was a damn sight better than Cyprus who finished dead-last with a total of two points.  They have never qualified for a major tournament but have been known to pull off the odd shock, for example a 4-4 draw with Portugal in their Euro 2012 qualifiers.  Top scorer Michalis Konstantinou scored a brace against the Albanians in a friendly back in 2004, a game which the cypriots won 2-1, so a draw could be a possibility. And in the interest of equality, here is an interesting fact about a Cypriot leader: Catherine  Cornaro, Queen of Cyprus from 1474-89 was married to a guy called 'James the Bastard'.

Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 3: Holland vs Turkey
Prediction: Home win
Now we're talking!  One of the great teams of International football, Holland play host to Turkey.  A disappointing showing at Euro 2012 from the Dutch was not expected following their assault (literally) on the World Cup two years earlier.  Louis van Gaal will be expecting a good performance from the Oranje to make up for this.  Football fans will be familiar the majority of the Holland squad, but one fact that is less widely reported is that their back-up keeper is earmarked to become a Hollywood star in a remake of a 1999 drama classic.  It will be called 'Krul Intentions'.  Turkey, whilst not having the illustrious history of their opponents, have always been able to hold their own against bigger teams.  They have qualified for three World Cup tournaments, although withdrew from one.  In 2002, the Turks were the plucky underdogs in Asia as they finished in third place, eliminated by eventual winners Brazil in the penultimate round.  The most capped player in their current squad is Emre Belözoğlu, a solid goal-scoring midfielder who would be infinitely more likeable if he wasn't such a racist twat.  Ironically, Emre prefers chicken.

Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 4/9

Game 4: Russia vs Northern Ireland
Prediction: Home win
Since the break of the USSR in 1992, Russia have qualified for two World Cups and four European Championships.  FIFA currently rank them as the thirteenth best team in the world and new-ish manager Fabio Capello should be confident of a win in Moscow.  Capello has picked a squad entirely from the domestic league giving erstwhile captain Andrey Arshavin a rest.  He will instead spend the weekend having excess hair removed from his posterior.  A lot will be expected from forward Aleksandr Kerzhakov following a good showing at Euro 2012, but I'm sure he won't be russian to take the lead.  'Badum' and indeed 'tish'.  Northern Ireland are pretty poor, and that's coming from someone who follows Scotland's fortunes.  Ranked 129th in the world, that puts them below the previously mentioned Lebanon.  Perhaps if their youngsters played more football instead of marching in the name of sectarianism and painting murals in homage to terrorists, they'd be better at it (it was a joke, don't shoot me!)  In spite of their patchy competitive record, Northern Ireland do have some reasonable players capable of playing good football.  They also have Kyle Lafferty.  Nireland have in the past produced fine performances against better opposition, such as the famous 1-0 win over England in 2005, so Russia should beware of taking the challenge to lightly and not put all of their oroshka into one basket.

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 1/5

Game 5: Andorra vs Hungary
Prediction: Away win
Hailing from the fictional moon in James Cameron's Avatar, Pandora have never qualified for a World Cup. Hang on, I read that wrong... Hailing from the non-fictional South-western Europe, Andorra have never qualified for a World Cup.  In fact, they have won just three games out of a total of 104.  In their last two qualifying campaigns, they lost all ten games.  They are ranked as the 199th best team in the world by FIFA and to compound their misery, four of their squad are so crap that they don't even an entry on Wikipedia.  Hungary on the other hand have been runners-up in two World Cup finals and won the Olympics football gold three times.  However, this success was more than fifty years ago and the last time I checked, Ferenc Puskás had retired.  And died.  Hungary's success is more modest these days, and qualifying for a tournament would be a good achievement for them.  They are captained by West Brom stalwart Zoltán Gera, who appears to be names after Dracula's dog.  Hungary will be eyeing the play-off spot in Group D and a win here would be a grand start.  You might even say... no... I can't do it... must resist... can't fight it any longer... THEY ARE HUNGARY FOR THE WIN!!!

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 1/16

Game 6: Luxembourg vs Portugal
Prediction: Away win
In spite of being the second richest nation in the world, Luxembourg are not all that great at football.  But they are better than Northern Ireland, going by the FIFA World Ranking table in association with Coca Cola - "Whoever you are, whatever you do, wherever you may be, when you think of refreshment, think of ice cold Coca Cola."  Football?  Too commercial?  Never!  Luxembourg has a population of just 500,000 so it is hardly a surprise that the national team has yet to qualify for a major tournament. However, football is the most popular sport in the country and there are a number of up-and-coming youngsters, such as 20 year old Elversberg striker and son of Cruella, Maurice Deville who has scored twice in four starts for his country.  Portugal have already been to five World Cups and will hope to ease to qualification for 2014.  The highest ranked team of The Grambler's selection, Portugal performed well in Poland and Ukraine this summer, reaching the semi-finals only to be knocked out by the champions Spain.  They are known to perform well as team, despite the general focus on Cristano Ronaldo (who has nothing on fat Ronaldo), and should ease to a win here.  If you would like to hear the greatest joke ever told involving Portugal striker Nélson Oliveira, I highly recommend clicking here.

Reliability balls: A massive 9/10
Odds on this result: A pitiful 1/33

Game 7: Latvia vs Greece
Prediction: Home
And so we are off to Riga for a bottle of Zelta and some kliņģeris, as Latvia take on the cast of Grease.  Latvia have been to just one major tournament, Euro 2004 in Portugal, and with the draw of Group G they may have a shot at a play-off place.  Scraping inside FIFA's top 100, Latvia have an experienced squad captained by Kaspars Gorkšs who helped Reading to the Championship title last season but has yet to make his Premiership début.  Unfortunately Jurijs Žigajevs, who wins the highly-coveted Grambler Awesome Name of the Week award, has not been selected in this squad.  Greece have had a lot of success by their standards, and they owe a lot to an unlikely European Championships victory in 2004.  But then again, Greece owe a lot to everyone (hooray for satire!)  In spite of reaching three Euros and one World Cup since the turn of the millennium, they are still unbearably boring to watch.  During one televised Greece game of Euro 2012, I chose to clean the toilet.  Tactics for this game will probably involve having ten men behind the ball whilst Giorgios Samaras falls over a lot up front.  In case you can't tell, I'm not a fan.  Hopefully, Latvia will thrash them, but it is unlikely.

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 14/5

As a result of some games having very poor odds, the overall return on this coupon is rather low.  From the usual 2,000/1 shots, we are down to just 116/1 this week.  I have stuck fifty pence on the seven-folds outcome but I have also chosen this week to play about with my bets to see if I can actually win something.  As I am a little clueless, I picked one based entirely on the name... The Super Heinz!  This seems to involve placing 120 individual bets and is named after beans, so I am happy with that.  It also means that I have spent much more than I intended on bets so if I get nothing back, I will be a bit grumpy on Saturday night.  As the bets are different from usual, I will go halfers with the Bobby Moore Fund.  If I have any success, I may continue with strange bets and actually learn something.

Some games are taking place tonight, some are tomorrow and a few on a Saturday so we will meet back here on Sunday morning for a cup of tea, a custard cream and the results!