Week 29: Why didn't Dan Petrescu ever present Pet Rescue?

Shall we get the ball rolling by reviewing last week's performance?  It was utter bollocks.

With that out of the way, we can look forward to this weekend's footballering action.  And it's an exciting one as international football makes a welcome return!  The game everyone is talking about, of course, is Scotland vs Wales.  And the question on everyone's lips is will Gareth Bale play?  Or will Wales have to actually rely on other players and win without the assistance of a penalty won by a blatant dive from a simian lookalike twat?  Elsewhere, the media would have us believe that England's qualification chances are in TURMOIL as a 34 year old defender who hasn't represented his national team for two years opted not to play against a team who have managed one solitary win in their history.  It's a SHAMBLES!  And to complete the home nations round-up, Northern Ireland are probably going to lose to Russia.

Whilst all of this super-exciting international football is taking the place, the lower leagues are still in action.  So we shall have a five game coupon for both the World Cup qualifiers and the remainder of domestic action this weekend.  And might I remind you that The Grambler's biggest victory to date came on an international weekend back in October?  Fingers crossed for more of the same!

International Bet
Game - Result - Odds
Croatia vs Serbia - Home win - 8/11
Norway vs Albania - Home win - 9/20
Liechtenstein vs Latvia - Draw - 11/4
Israel vs Portugal - Away win - 11/20
Luxembourg vs Azerbaijan - Away win - 6/5
£1 @ 31/1

Four reasonable picks in there, one would think that Croatia, Norway and Portugal will be victorious in their games.  Azerbaijan deserve to win because their name rolls of the tongue so nicely...  Not too sure about Liechtenstein to draw but stranger things have happened at sea.  Latvia won 2-0 in the reverse fixture but with home advantage, the 'Steinies could possibly sneak a draw.

Domestic Bet
Game - Result - Odds
Rangers vs Stirling - Home win - 1/10
Arbroath vs Stenhousemuir - Home win - Evens
Northampton vs Oxford - Home win - 23/20
Torquay vs York - Home win - 7/5
Swindon vs Notts County - Draw - 3/1
£1 @85/1

Starting at Ibrox with Rangers Franchise # FC, the home side all but have the Third Division sewn up.  A win tomorrow could put them 23 points clear at the top.  Up one division, Arbroath have not won against Stenhousemuir in the past 5 years.  They are currently 3 points ahead in Division Two.  In the first of two games in League Two, Northampton take on Oxford whom they defeated twice last season.  The reverse fixture this season ended in a 1-1 draw.  Meanwhile, Torquay host York.  The Gulls have lost their past 4 but have already beaten their opponents 2-0 this season.  In League One, one would expect Swindon to defeat Notts County but the Robins have drawn 3 of their last 5 home games whilst the Magpies have drawn 3 of their last 5 away.  I like to think that means something.

Overall, not too bad a bet with good odds.  Portugal have already screwed up the international bet by drawing 3-3 in Israel so all hope rests upon this domestic accumulator.  I am 63% confident of a win.  So basically, not very confident.

Happy Grambling! 

Week 9 results: V is for victoriousness!

It has been said that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, over an infinite period of time one of them will bash out some Shakespeare.  It has never explicitly been stated where one would acquire such a number of typewriters in this day and age and under which circumstances the health and safety folks would actually let this take place.  But anyway, the point is that in a similar vein, The Grambler was likely to eventually throw up a winner.  And that time is now!  Well actually, it was about 4 0'clock in the morning on Wednesday...

In previous weekends, we have had odds of around 1,500/1.  Unfortunately, this weekend was substantially lower but the £49 won is almost enough to travel back in time to April 1787 (please note: expenses for the invention and use of a time-travelling machine or device have not been included) and purchase the Lardin House Inn located in Masontown, Pennsylvania.  Alternatively, it will be more than welcome in the Bobby Moore Fund fund, which has now reached... (the audience hushes in anticipation, Dermot O'Leary feigns a somewhat anguished look and a persistent rhythm not dissimilar to that of a heartbeat can be heard faintly in the background...) 

£59.03!!!

This victory was not without controversy; two accumulator bets were placed as a result of complicated online betting procedures.  The first contained just two games taking place on Friday night and was incorrect thanks to Scotland's almost inevitable loss (thank you Mr Levein, it would be sweetly poetic if the door DID hit you on your way out).  The second coupon contained the five games taking place on Tuesday and Wednesday and this, my friends, was the bet which has made history!*

*May not actually have made history. 

Game 1: Venezuela vs Ecuador

Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )

Ecuador will be happy with a point away from home which has kept them in second place, biting at the heels of Argentina like an otter who knows you have fish in your socks.  But it was the home side who dominated at the Estadio General José Antonio Anzoátegui (named after a man with the finest sideburns of the early 19th century.)  Captain Juan Arango (as in footballing team captain, he's not in the military or anything) was in fine form, and had his side in front early in the game with a stunning long strike giving Venezuela the lead within six minutes of the start.  However, Ecuador pulled even on the 22nd minute when Segundo Castillo equalised.  Arango tested the keeper once more from long distance and also hit the crossbar with a similar effort, but Venezuela had to settle for a single point.  The draw managed to push Venezuela into the top four which would be enough to take them to their first World Cup.  But there is still a long road ahead and Chile and Uruguay will also be eyeing fourth place.  Speaking of Uruguay...

Game 2: Bolivia vs Uruguay

Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )

What a seamless transition!  The country of Bolivia is named for Simón José Antonio de la Santísima Trinidad Bolívar y Palacios Ponte y Blanco.  Presumably Simónjoséantoniodelasantísimatrinidadbolívarypalaciosponteyblancoland was deemed to be less catchy.  Their national team have qualified just once for a World Cup back in 1994, and gave their hopes of making this one a major boost with a fine win over better-fancied Uruguay.  Carlos Saucedo opened the scoring early and Gualberto Mojica made it two minutes later with a cracking free-kick.  After the interval, Saucedo added a third before claiming his hat-trick before the game had reached the hour mark.  Luis Saurez scored a consolation goal for the visitors with only ten-minutes remaining, but the home-team were already celebrating the win.  Disappointed Uruguay manager  Oscar Tabarez went all Craig Levein on us at the end of the match, stating "we must keep focused, there are seven finals remaining.

Game 3: Chile vs Argentina

Prediction: Away win ( ✔ )

Chile went into this game knowing that a win would see them move within two points of the top-spot.  But Argentina were determined to maintain pole position and managed to take all three points, much to the disgust of Chilean ambassador Jon Benjamin.  Lionel Messi opened the scoring in the 28th minute with his third of the international break for Argentina.  Three minutes later, the Argentines had doubled their lead thanks to Gonzalo Higuian.  Chile created a host of chances but failed to score until stoppage time when Felipe Guttierez grabbed a consolation.  The draw has left the Chileans sixth in their group, but joint on points with Venezuela and Uruguay. And a joke to round-off the South American action; What do you call a Thundercat who plays for Argentina and lives with his mother who is repeatedly begging him to tidy his room? Lion-O Messy!

Game 4: Oman vs Jordan

Prediction:Home win ( ✔ )

A win for Oman Sultan Qaboos Sports Complex took level with Australia in the race for qualification from the Asian groups.  Ahmed Mubarak opened the scoring after 62 minutes and Juma Al Maashari made it two with three minutes remaining in the tie.  But Oman were in for a nail-biting finish as Jordanian Tha'er Bawab pulled one back immediately after.  The Omanians, if there is such a word, held on to take all three points much to the delight of Paul le Guen.  Yep, that's where he ended up.

Game 5: Wales vs Scotland

Prediction: Draw ( x )

Where to start with this, our only incorrect prediction of the week?  We could blame the officials for incorrectly ruling out Steven Fletcher's goal which have put Scotland two in front.  We could blame Gareth Balee for taking yet-another 'unfortunate' tumble in the box to win his side a penalty (something that seems to happen week-in week-out but he gets away with because he's the poster-boy for the Best League in the World™ and not one of them 'dirty forrins').  But really, it is much more satisfying to blame the all-round cluelessness of the manager.  Some facts for you:  

• Berti Vogts lost the Scotland job after taking just two points in the opening three qualifiers for Euro 2006
• George Burley lost the support of the fans and the media when he won only three games in the qualifiers for the 2010 World Cup, his one full campaign
• Burley was finally sacked after losing against Wales in Cardiff

Craig Levein has now managed to emulate all three of the above.  He is now officially the worst Scotland manager in history (and highest paid!), yet still claims that he is doing things right.  Please leave, Mr Levein... We all know you are reading this!  Oh and I'm meant to say what happened during the game...  Morrison put Scotland in front, Bale dived for a penalty and scored it, Bale scored a second.     

Game 6: Romania vs Netherlands

Prediction: Away win ( ✔ )

Romania's perfect start to the qualifying stages came to an end on Tuesday evening as Holland scored four to preserve their status as favourites in the group.  Jermain Lens was first on the scoresheet in the 11th minute when he headed in from 20 yards.  That's some header!  Bruno Martins added a second when he headed in from a Rafael van der Vaart free-kick but the home side were given some hope when Ciprian Marca pulled one back with five minutes to go until half-time.  But before the referee could signal the end of the half, Gabriel Tamas conceded a penalty which was calmly scored by van der Vaart.  The second half was not to be as eventful and Romania rarely looked like coming back into the match.  In the 86th minute, Robin van Persie sealed the win with a fourth for the Dutch, who now look certain to qualify for the World Cup.  Romania meanwhile have slipped to third in their group but will hope that they don't Romania there.  

Game 7: England vs San Marino

Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )

The mighty England took another step towards qualification thanks to a flawless win against their fierce rivals... er, San Marino.  Or I imagine that's how The Sun will have spun it on Saturday morning.  Although a comfortable win for England, it took them a while to get into their stride.  For the first third of the match, the minnows put up a good fight and it took a penalty call for England in the 35th minute to start the goals flowing.  Wayne Rooney diverted the penalty and minutes later, his Manchester United team-mate Danny Wellbeck had made it two.  In the 69th minute, Rooney got his second and not to be outdone, Wellbeck once again scored minutes later.  England added a fifth via a goal from Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who described his goal as 'spiffing' before hopping onto his thoroughbred horse, yelling "pip-pip and tally-ho" and riding back to his manor where his butler Reginald awaited him with a bowl of caviare and a fine brandy.   

Back to league football tomorrow and it's probably best not to get carried away on the back of one win.  But I can say with 100% accuracy that we will definitely be winning again this weekend!

"Winning is only half of it. Having fun is the other half."

                                                                         - Bum Phillips (Really, his name is Bum!)

Week 4.5 Results: Happy Day of Conception to all our Russian readers!

The first midweek Grambling session did not end well.  In spite of what looked like a reasonable bet, only two results of the five turned out to be correct.  I think I might just stick to the weekend's from here onwards as I cannot handle the agony of losing twice weekly.

Without further agadoo, here is how my bet went wrong this time:

Game 1: Slovakia vs Liechtenstein

Prediction: Home win (Woohoo!)

This had to happen.  It would have been ridiculously embarrassing for Slovakia to lose to a team 104 places below them in the FIFA rankings.  I suppose this could have been considered a bit of a grudge match considering Slovakia once attempted to steal Liechtenstein.  And it certainly was not the friendliest of matches with the referee producing seven yellow cards.  But Slovakia won this game reasonably comfortably with a goal in either half.  Marek Sapara scored the first with a tap in after most of the Steinies' defence fell over whilst trying to clear a cross.  The second came from subsitute Martin Jakubko, who raced through onto a Miroslav Stoch through-ball to beat the onrushing keeper and seal the victory.  Following the match, the Slovak's coach Stanislav Griga said "they ruled their universe with absolute power. Well that football field out there, that's our universe."  Oh wait, that was Denzel Washington in Remember the Titans...

Game 2: England vs Ukraine

Prediction: Home win (D'oh!)

England, supreme rulers and inventors of football, played host to Ukraine in their second qualifier and took a point,  as many of today's newspapers decided that their campaign was doomed due to failure to win one game.  Yevgeni Konoplianka gave the visitors the lead in the first half with a splendid long-range strike and it looked like Ukraine would be taking all of the points home, along with one of the corner flags that goalkeeper Andriy Pyatov pinched for a laugh.  But much to their disgust, England won a penalty in the closing minutes as the referee forgot that Ukraine had 'any-man-save' and penalised Yevgen Khacherdi for a handball.  Fat Frank Lampard calmly placed the kick into the net to give England a point.  Their was still time for some late drama as violent thug Steven Gerrard received a second yellow card for his usual violent thuggery, but it was too late to affect the game in any way.  Roy Hodgson will probably be pleased with the point and even more pleased that the Flower and Produce Show is almost upon us in The Archers.  For some reason, I think he may be a big fan.

Game 3: Cyprus vs Iceland

Prediction: Home win (Woohoo!)

For the first time in the history of this tie, Cyprus have defeated Iceland!  Granted, that history only equates to five matches... Iceland created a host of chances with Spurs' midfielder Gylfi Sigurdsson in fine form, but the Cypriots dug their heels in and defended well and their hard-work paid-off in the second half when Konstantinos Makridisn scored from 12 yards.  Iceland could have equalised just minutes after this goal, but Alfred Finnbogason's effort crashed off the crossbar.  With five minutes to go, desperation and frustration got to the visitors as Solvi Ottesen was given his marching orders for using foul and abusive language toward the referee.  It has not been widely reported exactly what happened during the exchange of words, but I can confirm that Ottesen said to the official "mamma þín er með rusl ketill", which roughly translates to "your mum has a shit kettle".  

Game 4: Paraguay vs Venezuela

Predication: Home wins (D'oh!)
Venezuela boosted their chances of appearing at the World Cup by moving up the South American table and leaving Paraguay trailing at the bottom.  Of the table, obviously.  It now looks like the home side will not be going to Brazil, at least not on official business.  I suppose some of them might go on holiday or to visit their Great Aunt Milagros.  Paraguay had looked like the better side for most of the first half, but moments before the break, Venezuela's Cesar Gonzalez played a perfect pass through the defence for Jose Solomon Rondon to open the scoring.  And he got his second after half-time when Paraguayan keeper Justo Villar spilled a long range free-kick, allowing him to tap the ball into the net.  Interesting fact about Man of the Match Rondon; his name is an anagram of Sod Loners Mojo Noon.  So there.   

Game 5: Serbia vs Wales

Prediction: Away win (Hahahahahahahahahaha!)

The less said about this the better.  So to keep it short and sweet; 6-1, Wales were crap, Grambler was wrong.  Boyo.

On a side-note, we all know you're reading this Craig Levein!  So come on now, do the honourable thing...  Go to the Bobby Moore Fund website and give them some of that massive wage that you are doing nothing to justify!

Things get back to normal at the weekend as league football returns.  And a win is definitely forthcoming, I can feel it my ovaries!  Please come back on Friday; I'll be your best friend!  Until then, consider this quote to help us through these losing times:

"Winners have to absorb losses"

 - The great philosopher that is Ice-T (Mr T's son)

Week 4.5: More Grambling vicar?

With a major win over the weekend, I simply could not wait a full week to place the next bet.  For the first time, I have decided to Gramble during the week!  This ranks alongside man walking on the moon, Colonel Sanders inventing chicken and the assassination of Jedward in the most important moments in the history of history.

There are 38 competitive games taking place, mostly this evening with a handful tomorrow evening.  I have removed the friendly games as there are some odd ties included there (Belgium Under-23s vs England C Team anyone?) and to reflect the lowered number of games, I have cut the coupon down to five matches.

Our survey says...

Game 1: Slovakia vs Liechtenstein

Prediction: Home win

Since the break-up of Czechoslovakia in 1993, the Slovakian national team seemed to mope around Europe, thinking of their former lovers.  Calls were not answered, letters were returned and restraining orders were issued.  But after a particularly bad alcohol-fuelled binge in 2009, Slovakia looked at himself in the mirror and said "right, it's time I forgot about that bitch, the Czech Republic.  I need to sort myself out and live my life!  Eye of the tiger!"  And so, Slovakia qualified for the World Cup for the first time.  And they were not just there to make up the numbers; they qualified for the final 16 after knocking out holders Italy at the group stage in a game that all the cool kids called 'epic'.  Slovakia's attempts to emulate this in Brazil started with a mediocre draw at Lithuania and they will hope to pick up their first win tonight.  And what can we say about Liechtenstein?  Not a lot actually... Sitting at number 149 in the FIFA rankings, the Steinies as they are better known (by me)  have suffered a number of embarrassing defeats over the years.  But I'm sure they don't care as they sit with their croissant and a copy of the Financial Times laughing at the fact that every other country in the world has a lower GDP than them.  The Steinies kicked off their qualifying campaign with a humiliating 8-1 defeat at home to Bosnia and it is highly unlikely that they will be leaving Bratislava with anything.

Reliability balls: A massive 9/10

Odds on this result: A pitiful 1/50

Game 2: England vs Ukraine

Prediction: Home win
Apparently England actually won the World Cup sometime back in the 1960s, but you very rarely hear about it as the media are so humble and restrained in Britain.  In a shocking exposé and top-notch piece of investigative journalism, The Sun today confirmed that since this victory, England have not won a tournament.  This will be devastating news to the England players, management and fans, so I expect that it will spur them on to victory in tonight's game.  England won their opening qualifier comfortably with a 5-0 win in Moldova to set them up nicely for this game but have a number of players missing out through injury and illness, including influential defender and (alleged) massive racist John Terry.  Ukraine did not play at the weekend and will be hoping for a win in this opening game to help their World Cup hopes.  As co-hosts of Euro 2012, Ukraine only managed one win resulting in an early exit at the group stage of the tournament.   Their elimination was sealed after a defeat to England, during which Ukraine's Marko Devic was denied a goal after (alleged) massive racist John Terry hooked the ball out of the net and the inadequate officials failed to notice. The Ukrainians may well be out for revenge tonight.

Reliability balls: 7/10

Odds on this result: 1/2

Game 3: Cyprus vs Iceland

Prediction: Home win

Cyprus make their second Grambler appearance to confirm their status as the Blackburn Rovers of international football.  They were supposed to draw with Albania on Friday but failed to do so, losing 3-1.  Vincent Laban scored the consolation goal for the Cypriots but they have landed at the foot of their group and it is a position that they are very familiar with from previous qualifying campaigns.  Iceland are currently 114th in FIFA's rankings, which is not too bad for the staff team of a discount supermarket captained by a washed-up Aussie actor.  However, they had a pleasant start to the qualifiers with a 2-0 victory over Norway, their own Neighbours (yes, that's another Jason Donovan reference.  I'm struggling here)... This is the second time in as many qualifying rounds that Cyprus and Iceland have ended up in the same group.  In the Euro 2012 round, the two teams took up the bottom places of the group, with the Cypriots being the worst off.  The two legs played for that competition are the only competitive matches ever played between the teams; Iceland won at home and the match in Nicosia ended in a goalless draw.  

Reliability balls: 5/10

Odds on this result: 8/5

Game 4: Paraguay vs Venezuela
Predication: Home wins
Home wins seem to be the flavour of the week!  In South America, the qualifying for the World Cup is well under-way... And Paraguay are rooted to the bottom of their table.  with only a win against Ecuador and a draw against Uruguay from their first six games.  Having qualified for the last four World Cups and reached the final of last year's Cop America, Paraguay's fans will be expecting more from their team.  They also have an amazing national anthem which I can imagine being used to soundtrack a show about a retired drug-lord adapting to life in Somerset in comical fashion.  Venezuela have faired slightly better.  Two draws and two wins, including one against Argentina, has left them just five points from the top of the group.  Having never before qualified for a World Cup tournament, the chance to hop across the border to Brazil in 2014 will be a huge incentive to keep up the good form.  A win for Venezuela would also help them to celebrate the Fiesta de Nuestra Señora del Valle which appears to be some kind of festival where they eat a lady who lives in a valley.

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 4/7

Game 5: Serbia vs Wales

Prediction: Away win

Meanwhile in Belgrade, Serbia will be hoping to embark on a successful whaling trip.  Which would make sense if 'whaling trip' was a euphemism for winning at football.  And Serbia wasn't landlocked...  Siniša Mihajlović's side managed a goalless draw with the mighty Scotland on Saturday.  Serbia had a few chances in this game and defended well, but probably would have lost by at least eight goals if Craig Levein would actually realise that Kenny Miller is past his best.  Serbia, in spite of having only existed for two years, have been reasonably successful, qualifying for the 2010 World Cup and coming within a whisker of the play-offs for Euro 2012.  The Welsh lost 2-0 at home to Belgium at the weekend, and their defence looked fairly leeky.  After the game, manager Chris Coleman said that he was "delighted with the effort" sheepishly.  Unfortunately for Coleman, the Wales team making it to the group stages of a tournament is very rare(bit).  He will expect his team to bounce back from this defeat against a Serbia.  Boyo.

Reliability balls: 4/10

Odds on this result: 7/1

The first game has just kicked off in Cyprus and the last kicks-off after midnight tonight in Asunción so I will have a sleepless night wondering about the outcome of Paraguay vs Venezuela.  Odds are poor once again but my £1 bet could possibly bring in £48 and I also have a three-folds bet on in the hope of winning something.

Results will be available at precisely 14:46 tomorrow afternoon.