Week 25: Scratch and sniff edition!

It has been an eventful week in the world of football, which in spite of it's name is not actually a planet but a metaphoric term used to encompass all of the happenings in football town (similarly, not a real town).  FIFA has announced that goal-line technology shall be in place at the next World Cup, which is obviously hugely important because Frank Lampard once scored a disallowed goal at a tournament in a game which was soundly lost anyway, didn't you know?  It's not like the media mention it often or anything... 

Meanwhile in the Champions League, Arsenal were outclassed by Bayern Munich, much to the surprise of ITV's football 'expert' Andy Townsend, who failed to realise that the Bundesliga leaders and last year's Champions League runner-up might actually be a bit good and didn't know that they might stand a chance against an Arsenal side who have failed to do anything of note since 2006... How do these people get a job in punditry?

And finally, the news that everyone has been talking about as the messiah returned home.  Yes, that's right... James MacFadden has re-signed for Motherwell.  After speculation across the globe, the Chosen One agreed one agreed to play in the sacred claret and amber until the end of the season, football fans from far and wide expressed their joy.  Potential Bolivian presidential candidate for 2014 Garcia Linera said "I'm buzzin' to see Faddy back at the Well.  He's pure magic!" 

If you continue to read below, you will notice that there are predictions for this weekend.  It may have been said before, but I am full of confidence that this week will be the one.  I think that you should put all of your personal savings on this coupon as it is 100% guaranteed to be correct*.  We have 66 games for The Grambler to Gramble on this weekend, including the season's first major cup final as Swansea take on underdogs Bradford at Wembley for the Capital One Cup.  Also, can I smell a bonus Both Teams to Score bet?  Possibly.  read on, my good man (or lady (or ladyman)).

I'm running late again this week for various reasons so no time for the usual award-winning analysis.  I'm sure that you will be glad of this development.  

*Please note: This guarantee is void and I do not recommend putting any more than a £1 stake on this bet (and even that is not highly recommended) as it will definitely be wrong.  Refunds are not available.

Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Burnley
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 2: Fulham vs Stoke City
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 3: Montrose vs Annan Athletic
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 10/11


Game 4: Reading vs Wigan Athletic
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5


Game 5: Sheffield Wednesday vs Crystal Palace
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5

Total odds on this week's bet are 96/1! Yipeetastic!

And as promised, have a Mega Fantastic Extra Value Bonus Bet!:

Game - Both Teams to Score? - Odds
Cowdenbeath vs Raith Rovers - Yes - 8/13
Celtic vs Dundee - Yes - 13/8
Shrewsbury vs Stevenage - No - 5/6
Peterhead vs Queens Park - Yes - 8/11
Blackburn Rovers vs Leeds United - No - Evens

Total odds for the Grambler Super Exciting Mega Bonus Bet! are 26/1! Fantabulous!

Happy Grambling!

Week 18: Preparing for Billy Crystalmas!

Tis the season to be jolly, falalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!  Or so the old song goes, but it's hard to be jolly when The Grambler insists on presenting me with ridiculously inaccurate predictions!  With one game cancelled due to the weather last weekend, only four needed to be accurate.  And the bet was not unreasonable as such.  It was the best chance in months to win a wad of dosh for the Bobby Moore Fund.  But what happened?  A measly ONE out of four results came up, that's what happened!  And it was probably the one in which I had the least confidence... Liverpool winning?  That's just absurd!

This week sees the return of the SUPER MEGA GRAMBLER BONUS BET!!! so we are all but guaranteed a winner.  And to quote famous footballing personality Peter Beardsley, "I trust The Grambler to the extent that I sold my house and all of my possessions so that I could place the proceeds on this bet.  Also, I'm well chuffed with my It's A Wonderful Life tee shirt available now at RedBubble..."

Game 1: Bolton Wanderers vs Charlton Athletic

Prediction: Home win

Bolton have won just one in seven games under Dougie Freedman and a quick return to the Premiership is looking increasingly unlikely.  Currently languishing in 18th place in the Championship, Wanderers also have the worst shots to goals ration in the division.  Charlton are currently three points ahead of their opponents and just four from the play-off spots.  Celebrity fan Charlton Heston said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "I've played three presidents, three saints and two geniuses - and that's probably enough for any man."  Exactly. 

Odds on this result: 10/11

Game 2: Peterhead vs Annan Athletic

Prediction: Away win

Peterhead and Annan inhabit 6th and 7th places in Division Three respectively.  A win for the home side would double the gap between the two but Athletic could draw level on points with a victory.  Celebrity fan Kofi Annan said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "we have the means and the capacity to deal with our problems, if only we can find the political will." Indeed.

Odds on this result: 11/4

Game 3: Celtic vs St Mirren

Prediction: Home win

Celtic are momentarily four points clear of SPL title favourites Motherwell, much to the surprise of the nation.  The home side narrowly defeated Arbroath during the week in order to progress in the Scottish Cup.  Meanwhile, the Buddies find themselves uncomfortably close to the relegation spot in the SPL, but are still six points clear of bottom side Dundee.   

Celebrity fan Helen Mirren said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "flesh sells. People don't want to see pictures of churches. They want to see naked bodies."  Precisely.

Odds on this result: 1/5

Game 4: Norwich City vs Wigan Athletic

Prediction: Draw

Norwich have surprised many this season with some strong performances under Chris Hughton.  The Canaries were victorious in a seven-goal-thriller last weekend at Swansea but fell victim to former boss Paul Lambert's Aston Villa side during the week.Wigan have only won one of their last six games and currently sit in the relegation zone.  Celebrity fan Bradley Wiggins said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "I can’t account for where anyone else is at.  I'm better than I've ever been."  Absolutely.

Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 5: Queens Park vs Elgin City

Prediction: Home win

This game pits 3rd against 2nd in the Third Division and the winner could emerge as the main contenders to Glasgow Franchise Scheme FC for the title.  The home side defeated Annan 3-2 last weekend whilst Elgin were also winners at home to Clyde.  Celebrity fan The Queen said of the home team's fortunes so far this season "the British Constitution has always been puzzling and always will be."  Amen.

Odds on this result: 11/10

There is your main bet for this weekend and with odds of 60/1, we could all be £60-aires by Sunday!  You could be like me and donate said winnings to a good cause.  Or you could use it to kickstart a fund for your very own John Motson monkey. 

Also, seeing as it's nearly Christmas, here is a SUPER MEGA GRAMBLER BONUS BET!!! 

Game;Both teams to score?;Odds

Blackpool vs Blackburn; Yes; 4/7

Dunfermline vs Hamilton; Yes; 4/7

Birmingham vs Crystal Palace; No; 6/5

Oldham vs Swindon; No; 1/1

Dagenham & Redbridge; Yes; 8/13

Only 18/1 on that one, but a nice wee Brucie bonus if it comes off. 

Now go forth, and spread the good word of our almighty Grambler in peace. 

Week 10 results: Join my happy song!

How cruel Grambling can be!  One week after that famous victory, The Grambler produced it's best league predictions to date.  Yet the bet was destroyed before we had even reached 3 o'clock on Saturday.  If not for two results, I would proudly be adding a cool £349 to the Bobby Moore Fund fund (fund) this morning.  But alas, Millwall could not find that winning goal and Dumbarton are... well, shit.  Do you know who I blame?  George Osbourne.  It's always his fault.

By way of consolation, I did get a Tweet or Twit retweeted or retwitted by the BBC which was fun.  Clearly the sarcasm detector on their live text was broken though...

Game 1: York City vs Dagenham & Redbridge
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
A double from Ashley Chambers sealed a comfortable-ish win for the home-side and gave them their first win in four matches.  A curling shot in the 19th minute opened the scoring but the visitors pulled level four minutes later when Luke Wilkinson levelled the score with his noggin.  A determined Chambers scored a second before half-time, with the Minstermen starting to take control of the game.  The lead was extended in the 65th minute when Matty Blair slotted home from close range.  The midfielder clearly had a better game on Saturday than he did in midweek training when a dummy (an actual dummy) not only got the better of him, but injured him in the process.  Wilkinson scored a another for the Daggers with just seconds to go until full-time, but it was too late to be of any real significance.  His mum said that he would get extra pocket-money this week for scoring two goals which cheered him up a bit, and he has been promised a trip to the zoo next Saturday if he behaves himself.  City manager Gary Mills said of this result "Dagenham play how they play and you have to win as many second balls as you can."  Chortle, chortle, titter and perhaps guffaw!

Game 2: Swindon Town vs Scunthorpe United
Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )
Sc***horpe took advantage of having an extra man on the field to grab a valuable point away from home.  Swindon's James Collins, who is not the same James Collins as James Collins, grabbed the first goal after 18 minutes of play with a shot from five yards.  And the Robins could have and perhaps should have (dear Facebook users everywhere, please note the correct use of 'have' in this sentence.  Not 'of' but 'have'!) doubled their lead minutes later when Matt Richie found himself through on goal with just the keeper to beat, but Sam Slocombe kept his side in the game with a save worthy of Sieb Dykstra.  In the 33rd minute, the home-side's Aden Flint picked up a second booking and was sent for a metaphorical early bath.  Swindon managed to hold on to their lead until the 56th minute when Karl Hawley headed in from Mark Duffy's cross.  Neither team could bring themselves to score a winner and everyone agreed that they had a lovely day.  Meanwhile, the Swindon Advertiser maintained the high-standard set by local newspapers everywhere by sending a reporter to the game who failed to notice what the score was.

Game 3: Crystal Palace vs Millwall
Prediction: Millwall ( x )
A spirited fightback from Millwall against a ten-man Palace side was enough to secure a point but not enough to make me like them in the slightest.  In an eventful Saaaaaath Laaaaahndan derby, with ten yellow cards and one red, the home side drew first blood when Mile Jedinak used his Jedi knack to FORCE an opener.  Actually he didn't really, it was a 30 yard strike from the Aussie who may or may not be a real Jedi.  Just moments later, Palace found themselves two in front when Damien Delaney headed in a cross, presumably with his head.  But the game changed minutes before half-time when Darius Henderson's goal-bound shot was blocked the hand of Dean Moxey.  Moxey protested with the referee, claiming that he was convinced that his side were allowed the playground-staple 'any-man-save', but ultimately he was dismissed and the resultant penalty was tucked away by Liam Trotter, who refused to get pig-headed after scoring.  In the second-half, Millwall drew level when Mark Beevers deflected a shot in with his thigh.  It was not the prettiest goal, but Beevers couldn't give a damn.  Unfortunately, not even the introduction of Shaun Batt could complete an animal themed victory for Millwall, who were happy with a draw.

Game 4: Dumbarton vs Falkirk
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Dumbarton continued their poor start to the season with another insipid performance.  The Bairns started brightly and early pressure on the Sons paid off as Lyle Taylor chipped the ball over the onrushing opposition keeper.  Falkirk had to deal with a bad injury moments later when youngster Stephen Kingsley came off slightly worse in a 50/50 tackle, breaking his nose in the process.  God nose how much that must have hurt!  Kingsley was replaced by defender Chris Smith (alright Chris!  You never told me you were getting a game for Falkirk...)  The visitors extended their lead on 32 minutes when the ball fell to David Weatherston who found himself unmarked in the box and blasted past Jamie Ewings.  The second-half started brightly for Dumbarton who had the ball in the net after a goal-mouth scramble, but the linesman flagged for offside.  Not to be outdone, the Bairns had a goal ruled out just sixty seconds later as Luke Leahy (winner of the Most Star Warsy Name of the Week award) was ruled to be offside at the other end of the pitch.  Dumbarton managed little else in the half as another listless performance ended in defeat.  If I were a betting-man, I would put my money on them being relegated.  Hang on a minute...  

Game 5: Liverpool vs Reading
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Brandan Rodgers finally got his first win at Anfield in unconvincing fashion as Liverpool meandered to a 1-0 win over Premiership strugglers Reading.  Seventeen-year-old Raheem Sterling was a sparkle of glitter in the festering turd that is Liverpool.  (Please note: the previously used metaphor has achieved three things; a) Made me feel abject disgust with myself, b)  Made me feel slightly nauseous and c) Prevented every over-sensitive Liverpool (i.e. every Liverpool fan) from ever becoming readers of The Grambler).  A neat flick from Luis Saurez put Stirling through on goal on the 29th minute.  The England under-21 cap took two touches to control the ball before smashing it past Alex McCarthy in the Reading goal.  Liverpool dominated most of the game but lacked a finishing touch; it is little wonder that Rodgers has stated that he will be bidding £19.5 million for Michael Higdon in the January transfer window.  Both Adam Le Fondre and Jason Roberts came close to equalising for the visitors but Brad Jones, deputising for the injured Pepe Reina, kept his side in front with some good saves.  It also worth mentioning Reading midfielder Jobi McAnuff because his name is jobby and this amuses me greatly.

Game 6: Partick Thistle vs Airdrie United
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
This was not only a win for Partick Thistle but an emphatic win, with the emphasis on PHAT!  A 7-0 thrashing of Airdrie pushed Partick back to the top of Division One and maintained their 100% home-record; during their five games at Firhill they have scored NINETEEN goals and conceded just TWO (I have been studying The Sun for journalistic tips and realised that capitalising ARBITRARY words emphasises the POINT for idiots).  Chris Erskine scored a brace, Aaron Muirhead bagged a penalty, former Motherwell duo Steven Lawless and Ross Forbes got one apiece,  as did Sean Walsh and Kris Doolan.  To add to Airdrie's embarrassment, substitute Scott Sally was dismissed in the 76th minute for having a really girly name.  Also, seeing as Star Wars has been mentioned a few times already this week, here is an interesting fact: Partick Thistle are the only football team in the world whose name is an anagram of Sith pickle tart, which is Darth Vadar's favourite dish.

Game 7: Hull City vs Ipswich Town
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Hull leapt into the Championship play-off places after coming back from a goal down to defeat a lacklustre Ipswich side.  Hull had started brightly, but the first goal came against the run of play.  Former Arsenal prospect turned Championship floater-abouter Jay Emmanuel-Thomas jinked into the box on 29 minutes and fired low past Hull keeper Tori Ben Amos to give the Tigers the lead.  And it looked like it would stay that way - both teams had squandered chances and with 70 minutes on the clock, Ipswich looked to be winning their second game of the season.  But it was at this point that Steve Bruce decided to introduce German summer-signing Nick Proschwitz.  Within four minutes, the striker had his first goal for the club, turning in a Ahmed Elmohamady cross.  With Ipswich looking likely to take a point at least, Poschwitz popped up again in the final minute of the game - Elmohamady once again doing all of the hard-work and the German turning the ball into the net to claim victory.  Ipswich manager Paul Jewell admitted that he may not have much longer at the helm after this defeat, which is a shame because he has set a shining example so far.

My belief in The Grambler has been restored after another fine performance!  After many weeks of under-performing, like Olivier Giroud, it has shown that there is still a lot of potential, like Olivier Giroud.

The next chapter in the Grambling saga will commence on Thursday afternoon.  Like Olivier Giroud.

"I am convinced this last goal will also do me a lot of good"

-Olivier Giroud