Week 35: Nation in shock as 71 year old retires!

We should get this over with quickly, nothing of note has happened in the past week football-wise...

Oh wait, some old geezer has decided it is time to retire and move into a new role as puppetmaster director and ambassador at Old Traffford.  Yes, the time has finally come for Sir Alex Ferguson to retire after 26 years and 38 trophies with Manchester United.  It is the end of an era as the manager many have hailed as the greatest of all time laves the dugout for the last time.  One has to admire his many achievements; the treble in 1999, his tactical nous, his handling of the media, his ability to spot raw talent...  But personally, I believe that his greatest moment was that time that he twatted David Beckham on the head with a football boot.

Fellow irate Scotsman and Everton manager David Moyes has been given the thankless task of replacing Ferguson.  Whilst most critics have agreed that this is a wise move, with the key motive of maintaining a formula that has provided years success and stability to the club, many United fans have been angered by the appointment.  But then again, most United fans I have ever met have been idiots...

Sad news elsewhere as Aston Villa captain Stillian Petrov has been forced to retire as he continues his battle against leukaemia.  He has decided to devote his time to setting up a foundation to help sufferers of the bastarding disease.  Yet further proof, as if it were needed, that cancer is a big hairy arse.  You should really donate some money to help the fight against said big hairy arse.  How about donating to the Bobby Moore Fund?  They seem nice.

Sadly, the end of the season is nigh...  Two rounds of games remain in the Premiership with the final Champions League place and relegation spot still to be filled.  Similarly, there are still two games to play in the SPL, with the mighty Motherwell one point away from securing second place.  In the lower leagues of England and Scotland, the play-offs are already well under-way; most notably one of Watford, Brighton, Crystal Palace or Leicester will earn a coveted place in the Premiership.  And Manchester City will face Wigan on Saturday in an FA Cup final which is surely a foregone conclusion...  I mean, there's just no way that City's attack are getting past Gary Caldwell!  So there are only about 20 Grambleable games to choose from this weekend, but we shall bravely Gramble on to the bitter end!  Two bets of three this week, plus an extra special FA Cup final bet which has been calculated in the most spectacular Grambler fashion yet!

Three game all-league accumulator

Game - result - odds

St Mirren vs Aberdeen - Home win - 9/5

Peterhead vs Queen's Park - Home win - 4/5 

Crystal Palace vs Brighton - Draw - 23/10

50p @ 16/1

Meanwhile, back where Alex Ferguson won his first silverware... St Mirren take on the sheep-fanciers of Aberdeen in a meaningless wind-down game.  Dundee's relegation last week confirmed the Buddies survival whilst the Dons have pretty much cemented 7th place in the SPL.  Staying in Scotland, Peterhead go into the second-leg of their play-off tie against Queen's Park with a 1-0 lead thanks to a stoppage time penalty on Wednesday night.  The Blue Toon also defeated the Spiders 3-0 in the final round of league ties so could make it three-in-a-row on Sunday.  On Friday night, Crystal Palace and Brighton square up in the first leg of their play-off tie.  Much is at stake with promotion worth an estimated £60 million to Championship promotees.  Palace have not appeared in the top-flight since 2005 but Brighton have yet to make a Premiership appearance.

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - result - odds

Man Utd vs Swansea - Home win - 1/3

Stoke vs Tottenham - Away win - 10/11

Sunderland vs Southampton - 13/8

£1 @ 6/1

With the title already secured and Ferguson's imminent retirement, Man Utd fans will be turning out for a celebration rather than a competitive match on Sunday.  Likewise, Swansea will be celebrating another good year in the Premiership (along with League Cup triumph) so expect a party atmosphere and meaningless game at Old Trafford.  Stoke have slogged out the second half of the season and rumours abound that Tony Pullis will depart.  They may be out to prove a point in their final home game.  Tottenham continue to tussle with Arsenal for the sought-after final Champions League place and will see this as a must-win match.  Although Wigan look likely to join QPR and Reading in the Championship next season, there is still a chance either Sunderland or Southampton giving this game an air of a relegation battle. Both sides gambled by sacking their managers late in the season band it could pay off for either or both if they can avoid the dreaded drop.

Super extra special far-fetched and convoluted FA Cup bet

It would be a shame not to have a bet on the FA Cup final, but to choose either Manchester City or Wigan to win would be a) a tad boring and b) unlikely to win anything worthwhile.  So it made much more sense to enter the most complex formula into the Grambler spreadsheet of this season to come up with a prediction for an actual result and first goalscorer.  Obviously this is type of betting has not been outlined in the rules of The Grambler but then those of you who have been following may have noticed that I have changed the rules every couple of weeks anyway.  Also, it's Christmas so why not?  In the unlikely outcome that Manchester City and Wigan draw 1-1 with Pablo Zabaleta scoring the first goal, a cool £70 will be heading for the Bobby Moore Fund courtesy of a 50p bet with odds of 140/1.  How do you like them apples?

That is all from the penultimate Grambler of the season.  No go forth and celebrate.  Perhaps by buying several Grambler t-shirts (go on, you know you want one!)

Week 33: Nooooo, not Rolf!

They say that a lot can happen in a week of football.  This week virtually nothing happened and a man punched a horse.  That is this week's summary for you.

Here are the bets...

Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Hamilton vs Raith - Home win - 5/4
Aldershot vs Dag & Red - Away win - 14/5
Queen's Park vs East Stirling - Home win - 2/7
Norwich vs Reading - Draw - 11/4
Liverpool vs Chelsea - Home win - 23/20
50p @ 88/1


Three game Premiership accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
QPR vs Stoke - Home win - 6/5
Sunderland vs Everton - Home win -9/4
Swansea vs Southampton - Home win - 13/10
50p @ 15/1


Three player anytime goalscorer accumulator
Player - Game - Odds
Olivier Giroud -Fulham vs Arsenal - 5/4
Sergio Aguero - Tottenham vs Man City - 8/5 
Juan Mata - Liverpool vs Chelsea - 5/2
50p @20/1

To save you the effort of dusting off the ol' calculator, I can confirm that the potential winnings of this week's bets combined are a humongous... £61.50!!!  As always, any winnings shall be donated to the good folks at the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research, for cancer is a half-witted rapscallion and should be stopped.  Grambling is the only way!

Week 32: Teri Hatcher's dead!?

Okay, so the whole horse racing thing didn't work out too well.  After a short trip to the dog food factory, I'm willing to put that all behind us and from now on stick to Buckaroo when I'm in the mood for horsing around.  And so we return to what we know best this week... Football!*  And by 'know best', I clearly mean what we know very little about but Google thankfully fills in the blanks.  

*Although I am tempted to put some money on the French to win the real -life Quidditch World Cup...

A week of Champions League excitement saw Borussia Dortmund leave it late to beat a spunky Malaga side, Galatasaray give Real Madrid a run for their money and an injured Leo Messi still managing to make the difference against PSG, setting up the goal to see them through to the semi-finals.  Another league manager was carelessly tossed onto the scrapheap as Sheffield United parted ways with 1980s Scottish pop-rock group Danny Wilson.  The incredibly unlikeable Neil Warnock has already emerged as a contender for the vacancy.  And the Daily Mail started a campaign to have a minute silence at each weekend game to mark the death of Big Mags Thatcher, apparently oblivious to the fact that a large proportion of the country were less than enamoured to her.  Because obviously any attempt to have a minute silence in the name of Thatcher would end well, wouldn't it?  It's almost as if they want to anger people and have them boo their way through a minute's tribute in order to whip up a frenzy and feed off the outrage...  Oh wait, it's the Daily Mail.  That's exactly what they want.

And on that note, we move onto this weekend's football.  The Tyne-and-Wear derby could be the pick of the Premiership games, although the prospect of Southampton vs West Ham is tremendously exciting... Chelsea and Man City square-off for a place in the FA Cup final whilst in the other semi-final, Wigan and Millwall will compete in a half-empty Wembley...  And in Scotland, Hibs play Falkirk and Dundee United face Celtic for a place in the Scottish Cup Final.  But what does The Grambler have to say about it all?  Well, this:

Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs Sunderland - Home win - 19/20

Stevenage vs Yeovil - Draw - 12/5

Dag & Red vs Oxford Utd - Home win - 6/5

Leeds vs Sheff Wed - Away win - 21/10

Wolves vs Huddersfield - Home win - 11/10

50p @ 94/1

Three game accumulator from the Premiership and FA Cup

Game - Result - Odds

Stoke vs Man Utd - Away win - 4/7

Chelsea vs Man City - Home win* - 21/10

Southampton vs West Ham - Home win - 17/20

£1 @ 8/1

*Obviously not actually a home game.  Result is after 90 minutes.

Three player any-time goalscorer accumulator

Player - Game - Odds

Theo Walcott - Arsenal vs Norwich - 10/11

Wayne Rooney - Stoke vs Man Utd - 6/4

Christian Benteke - Aston Villa vs Fulham - 11/10

50p @ 8/1

And that's yer lot for today.  In the unlikely scenario that all predictions are correct, we will be handing over a whopping £54 to the Bobby Moore Fund.  In the more likely scenario that none are correct, we will be handing over a pitiful £0.  

Don't drink and Gramble.

Week 25: Scratch and sniff edition!

It has been an eventful week in the world of football, which in spite of it's name is not actually a planet but a metaphoric term used to encompass all of the happenings in football town (similarly, not a real town).  FIFA has announced that goal-line technology shall be in place at the next World Cup, which is obviously hugely important because Frank Lampard once scored a disallowed goal at a tournament in a game which was soundly lost anyway, didn't you know?  It's not like the media mention it often or anything... 

Meanwhile in the Champions League, Arsenal were outclassed by Bayern Munich, much to the surprise of ITV's football 'expert' Andy Townsend, who failed to realise that the Bundesliga leaders and last year's Champions League runner-up might actually be a bit good and didn't know that they might stand a chance against an Arsenal side who have failed to do anything of note since 2006... How do these people get a job in punditry?

And finally, the news that everyone has been talking about as the messiah returned home.  Yes, that's right... James MacFadden has re-signed for Motherwell.  After speculation across the globe, the Chosen One agreed one agreed to play in the sacred claret and amber until the end of the season, football fans from far and wide expressed their joy.  Potential Bolivian presidential candidate for 2014 Garcia Linera said "I'm buzzin' to see Faddy back at the Well.  He's pure magic!" 

If you continue to read below, you will notice that there are predictions for this weekend.  It may have been said before, but I am full of confidence that this week will be the one.  I think that you should put all of your personal savings on this coupon as it is 100% guaranteed to be correct*.  We have 66 games for The Grambler to Gramble on this weekend, including the season's first major cup final as Swansea take on underdogs Bradford at Wembley for the Capital One Cup.  Also, can I smell a bonus Both Teams to Score bet?  Possibly.  read on, my good man (or lady (or ladyman)).

I'm running late again this week for various reasons so no time for the usual award-winning analysis.  I'm sure that you will be glad of this development.  

*Please note: This guarantee is void and I do not recommend putting any more than a £1 stake on this bet (and even that is not highly recommended) as it will definitely be wrong.  Refunds are not available.

Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Burnley
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 2: Fulham vs Stoke City
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 3: Montrose vs Annan Athletic
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 10/11


Game 4: Reading vs Wigan Athletic
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5


Game 5: Sheffield Wednesday vs Crystal Palace
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5

Total odds on this week's bet are 96/1! Yipeetastic!

And as promised, have a Mega Fantastic Extra Value Bonus Bet!:

Game - Both Teams to Score? - Odds
Cowdenbeath vs Raith Rovers - Yes - 8/13
Celtic vs Dundee - Yes - 13/8
Shrewsbury vs Stevenage - No - 5/6
Peterhead vs Queens Park - Yes - 8/11
Blackburn Rovers vs Leeds United - No - Evens

Total odds for the Grambler Super Exciting Mega Bonus Bet! are 26/1! Fantabulous!

Happy Grambling!

Week 19: Merry apocalyptic Christmas!

"Debris Snow is falling, all around me

Children fending for themselves in a wasteland comparable to Mad Max II 

playing - having fun,

It's the end of the world, we're doomed! Swallow the cyanide now to avoid the horrible pain!

season for love and understanding,

Merry apocalypse Christmas everyone!"

And so it appears that the end of the world never came to fruition... yet again.  Perhaps I should ask The Grambler to predict when the apocalypse will genuinely come and then lead a band of obsessives into a mass suicide... Anyone up for it?

I was all set for saving my money and time and avoiding doing a Grambler this week on the basis that we'd all be dead anyway.  But unfortunately, this is not the case.  So I suppose I'd best force as many contrived Christmas puns as possible into the following to appease our festive overlords. 

Game 1: Snowmanchester City vs Rudolph the Reading Nosed Reindeer

Prediction: Home win

City aim to keep the pressure on rivals Manchestnuts United who currently sit 6 points ahead at the top of the Premiership.  They have not been in the best of form of late with only two wins in the last five matches.  The current champions will have to make do without midfielder Santa Nasri and controversial striker the Virgin Mario Balotelli.  Reading have lost six games on the trot and have the divisions worst away record, with just 2 points from a possible 27.  The Royals are currently the Premiership's stocking fillers and Brian McDermott may have to be queueing outside of Debenhams on Boxing Day morning in the hope of finding that bargain striker to keep his side up.

Odds on this result: 1/7

Game 2: Tottenham Hohohotspur vs Stoke the Log Fire City

Prediction: Home win

Spurs are level on points with Chelsea in the chase for third place in the Premiership.  The White (Christmas) Hart Lane side have developed a habit of conceding late goals this season, Andre Villas Boas will hope that his side do not offer any gifts to the opposition attackers today.  Striker Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel Adebayor faces a late fitness test.  Stoke have proved to be a hard side to defeat this season and currently inhabit 9th place in the league.  However, the Potters have won only one away game this term.  Midfielder Charlie Adam will miss out today as he has been granted compassionate leave.  

Odds on this result: 8/13

Game 3: Notts Countying Down the Days 'til Xmas vs Sleighton Orient

Prediction: Home win

Getting into the true Christmas spirit, Notts County have confirmed that this game is off as a result of flooding at Meadow Lane.  

Odds on this result: 11/10

Game 4: Celturkey vs Cranberry Sauce County

Prediction: Home win

It has been a big week for Celtic as they drew European giants Yuleventus in the next round of the Champions League, but it's back to SPL duty as they aim to keep the pressure on inevitable champions Motherwell.  Injured forward duo Kris Kringle Commons and Anthony Stokes will be playing charades in the stand.   County started the season brightly but now find themselves slipping towards the bottom spot.  They will be outsiders today so will hope that fellow Highlanders Inverness can do them a favour by beating bottom side Dundee.

Odds on this result: 1/6

Game 5: Coventry Once In Royal David's City vs Preston North Pole

Prediction: Draw

Just one point separates these two sides in League Two.  Coventry were impressive last week in their 4-1 demolition of Little Donkeycaster, whilst Preston managed to take a single point away to Portsmouth.  Sky Blues manager Mark Red, Red Robins faces a dilemma over his striking choices as stand-in Adam Barton impressed in last week's win.  Preston's Christmas Robertson returns from suspension and could go straight back into the starting eleven in place of Shane Cansdell-Sherriff, who starts a two match ban.

Odds on this result: 12/5

Slim pickings this week, the draw is not too far-fetched and one cancellation leaves us with a poor 14/1.  But we are surely due a win, maybe Santa will make it my present this year?

That is all from the apocalyptic Christmas special, as one famous philosopher once said "have another rock n' roll Christmas".

And an old classic joke to finish on:

Darth Vader: "I know what you are getting for Christmas..."

Luke Skywalker: "What is Christmas?"

Vader: "Nevermind that, you're ruining my punchline."

Skywalker: "But seriously, you appear to be referencing a religious tradition from an insignificant planet many millions of light-years away, one of which no one in this series has ever suggested any knowledge of it's existence, why would we be celebrating this event?"

Vader: "Just shut up for a minute and play along with the joke!"

Skywalker: "Okay then..."

Vader: "I know what you are getting for Christmas, Luke..."

Skywalker: (feigning surprise) "What? How could you?"

Vader: "Because like any good parent, I have paid close attention to your hobbies and interests and used this holiday as a time to show my love for you through thoughtful gifts."

Skywalker: "Aaaaaw, I love you dad!"

(title music)

Week 11: No longer available on Ceefax

For two weeks running, The Grambler has given us five correct predictions out of the seven games.  And you know what they say; Good things come in threes... Three is the magic number... Three times a lady...

On that basis, we can expect another set of 71.42857142857143% accurate predictions this week!
Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Ham
Prediction: Away win
The town of Wigan (not to be confused with the town of Wogan in Togo, which I imagine would be like the scene in Being John Malkovich where he ends up in his own head.  Only with Terry Wogan.) is well known as being more interested in rugby than football.  But under the stewardship of Roberto Martinez, the Latics have become known as a feisty side with an 'against-all-odds' survival record.  With five points from eight games this season, it looks like their fans could be in for more of the same.  West Ham have perhaps been this season's surprise package.  Having spent last season in Championship, they gained promotion the hard way via the play-offs.  Many expected them to struggle back in the Premiership but four wins and two draws from their first eight games sees them sit 7th in the table, level on points with Spurs in 5th.   The sides have already met once this season when Wigan visited Upton Park and won 4-1 in the League Cup, prompting Sam Allardyce to declare "we couldn't defend a fish supper tonight."  No comment needed there, really.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 23/10

Game 2: Bury vs Walsall
Prediction: Draw
Bury have spent most of the season sitting at the foot of the table, but on Tuesday night they finally won a game; a first victory of the campaign.  This allowed them to leapfrog their defeated opponents Hartlepool but could it be the start of a winning streak?
Walsall started the season brightly, winning five of their first nine, but have not won a league game since September, causing them to slip back down the table.  A win here could push them close to the play-off places but they will have to make-do without Dean Holden, suspended after his sending off at Sheffield United.  Bury took all six points against their opponents last season which will give them some confidence.  They are also the only football team, in my knowledge, to have a former Prime Minister as mascot.  I shudder at the thought of some poor guy having to dress up in a novelty foam David Cameron costume in years to come...
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 3: Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs St Johnstone

Prediction: Home win
Following a mediocre start to the campaign, Inverness have found their feet in recent weeks.  Three wins a row, and five games without defeat, have pushed the Highlands club to fifth in the table, ahead of title favourites Motherwell.  Boss Terry Butcher has expressed his delight at the number of goals his side have claimed, with Andrew Shinnie leading the way on seven so far.  That should give his career a leg-up.  Not to be outdone, St Johnstone also had a poor start to the season, but have gone on to win their last five matches.  They now sit second in the SPL, which is the equivalent of 14th in League One.  A win for the Saints on Saturday would see them set a new club record for the most consecutive wins.  The ghost of Roy Castle will be watching on anxiously.  This game could go either way.  Or it could end in a draw.  Some wonderful insight there for you.  Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/10

Game 4: Chelsea vs Manchester United

Prediction: Home win
A game that will no doubt be hailed as an early title decider by the red-tops.  Or worse still, a TITLE DECIDER!!!  Chelsea have only dropped two points in the league this season in a goalless draw with QPR but showed that they do have frailties on Tuesday night, with a 2-1 defeat at Shakhtar Donetsk in the Champions League.  But any fans deflated by one European defeat can show their support for the club and boost their belief in the team by purchasing the Official Chelsea Christmas Countdown Gnome!  I bought four.  United are currently four points adrift of their opponents at the top of the table and will be wary of ending the day seven points from the top spot.  Sir Alex of Ferguson rested a number of players on Tuesday night, as his side faltered to a 3-2 victory over Braga.  His leaky defence will be an urgent concern but the starting eleven should include anti-racism t-shirt hatin' Rio Ferdinand.  Should the referee invoke little known FA rule 8.2, subsection F, paragraph 3 line 2 (which reads "and should any game reach its 72nd minute, and the officials feel the urge, the result may be decided by the quality and/or novelty factor of gnomes available in the club shop") Chelsea already have this tie in the bag.  Man United's gnomes are crap.     
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/10

Game 5: Livingston vs Greenock Morton

Prediction: Away win
Livingston currently inhabit the sixth spot in the league and already look set for a season un-threatened by relegation whilst failing to trouble the promotion contenders.  In nine games this season, they have taken 12 points leaving them ten points adrift of the top spot already.  Morton could be an outsider bet for promotion to the SPL, currently sitting third in the division on 18 points, just four behind the leaders.  The Greenock side's run of five straight wins was halted last week by a 2-2 draw when visiting Dunfermline.  Livingston have only won one at home this season whilst their opponents have managed two wins on the road.  The last time these two sides met at Almondvale, the fans were treated to a spectacularly entertaining goalless draw and they will no doubt hope for more of the same today.  Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/5

Game 6: Accrington Stanley vs Bristol Rovers

Prediction: Away win
Stanley had made an optimistic start to the season and were inhabiting the upper-reaches of the table until  the end of September.  Failure to take a single point from any of their last four games has sent them back down the division to 16th so they will be looking to get things back on track.  Accrington may however have to make do without their manager Paul Cook (or their cook Paul Manager, I get mixed up) as Chesterfield made an approach to lure him away to the Proact Stadium on Wednesday morning.  Bristol Rovers have faired worse in the league this season.  Just three wins in thirteen has left them just three points outside of the relegation zone.  Shows what happens when you give up on a good thing to go chasing money, eh Mark McGhee?  As with a number of teams, I cannot claim to know too much about Rovers, so turning to the ever-reliable Wikipedia for information: "Should you cast your eyes over the Tote End of the the old Eastville Stadium during the 70s, it would often resemble the famous bar scene in Star Wars."  Right...
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 2/1

Game 7: Stoke vs Sunderland

Prediction: Away win
Known for their free-flowing total-football style which is often compared to that of Barcelona, Stoke have now graced the Premiership for a number of years and picked up many new fans along the way, including Arsene Wenger.  The Potters have only been defeated twice this season yet somehow have only won once.  Probably a result of other teams 'parking the bus' when they come up against Stoke.  Also, legend has it that Tony Pullis always wears that hat to hide an ill-advised tattoo declaring his love for Lesley Joseph which covers his scalp.  Sunderland have a fairly similar record this season under former-messiah turned regular-manager Martin O'Neill.  With one win, one loss and four draws to their name, one could easily predict that this game is destined to end in a draw.  Having pinched a point at home to rivals Newcastle last week, the Black Cats could move into the top half of the table with a win this weekend.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 3/1


The past few weeks have seen some pretty poor odds appearing around these parts, partially a result of semi-believable predictions and partially a bookmakers conspiracy to stop The Grambler.  However, this week's spectacular mix of away wins and downright ridiculous predictions gives us odds of 1,993/1.  

Place your bets now!