Week 3 (or should that be 7?): I’m new to this – be gentle

You may have been wondering why there has been nothing from The Grambler over the past few weeks.  The reason for this is that the originator of The Grambler, and lifelong Motherwell supporter, Stewart Smith, died on 29^th August.  Two years after being diagnosed as having bowel cancer and having come back from the brink on numerous occasions he could fight no more.  He was 28 years old.  No age at all really.  And still 27 years younger than the point the government see as being the age at which screening for bowel cancer is considered important.  Stewart always wanted to raise awareness about bowel cancer in younger people.  Even teenagers can develop bowel cancer (see www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/never-too-young for further information).

 

He wanted The Grambler to continue after his death and I am happy to keep it going.  Okay, we Gramblers may not win a fortune, but we can continue to tell the world about this horrible, horrible disease called bowel cancer.  We can still contribute, and tell all our friends to contribute, to the Bobby Moore Fund(bobbymoorefund.cancerresearchuk.org) which is working hard to promote awareness of bowel cancer in younger people and helps fund research.

 

If you read Stewart’s last but one post you would have had some difficulty believing that is was written by someone with only a little over a week to live.  His last post was a different matter; he was determined to make a post but could barely summon enough strength to put those few words together.  And it shows.  Just be proud that Stewart, right to the end, wanted to contribute to his pet project The Grambler.

 

So now, let’s get ready to Gramble!

 

Saturday, 21^st September 2013

 

Right all you Gramblers as I have pointed out I am new to this game so don’t expect the brilliant inciteful comments of old, or the puntastic gags.  I have only just put my feet under the desk and am still trying to figure out the tea making facilities around here.  Just giving the bald facts relating to this week’s Gramble is all I can manage thank you.

 

First of all the five games which make up our bet –

 

Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game – Result – Odds

 

Norwich vs Aston Villa – Draw – 9/4

What can I say about this fixture?  Erm… both these teams are lucky to still be in the Premiership.  At the end of last season both were struggling away in the lower reaches of the table.  They met three times last season – twice in the league and once in the League Cup quarter final.  Surprisingly, Aston Villa were the better team overall with two wins and a draw.  Since Aston Villa had such a crap season against just about every other team, these performances against Norwich might just have been Aston Villa's manager (and ex Norwich manager) Paul Lambert trying to show the Norwich faithful that he had moved to a better side (yeah, right). Given that they are both struggling again this year (Norwich sitting in 15^th place and Aston Villa in 17^th) a draw here might be a reasonable bet.

Incidentally, it seems that Aston Villa striker Gabriel Agbonlahor obviously doesn’t think much of One Direction (swoon swoon), having put in a seriously nasty challenge on Louis Tomlinson (apparently a member of One Direction who isn’t Harry Stiles) in a recent charity match.  He obviously doesn’t think much of people who make pots of money for doing so little and Agbonlahor thinks the same.

Oh, another thing… Norwich have signed a Dutch striker called Ricky van Wolfswinkel.  Yeah.  I know.  Cracking name.  Fnarr fnarr.

Motherwell link – Norwich keeper John Ruddy and Aston Villa manager Paul Lambert are both ex Motherwell players.

 

 

Brighton and Hove Albion vs Bolton Wanderers – Away – 3/1

Our second fixture takes us to the Seagulls’ Falmer Stadium – named after a small village between Lewes and Brighton and definitely not named after the maker of unfashionable men’s trousers – where they meet the Trotters.  Four out of six points from last season’s meetings between these two clubs went to Bolton.  So that would suggest that the Grambler had the prediction spot on.  But wait, Bolton can’t buy a win so far this season managing only three points from three draws and after seven games are propping up the table.  Brighton have at least got a couple wins to boast of.  So, for the Grambler’s sake – Come on the Seagulls!  Not very convincing is it?

 

Portsmouth vs Fleetwood – Draw – 12/5

Our third fixture takes us to Fratton Park, home of the Pompey faithful – and if there are any fans left they must be incredibly faithful.  Since 2010 Portsmouth have plummeted from the Premiership down to Division 2 (or Division 4 in reality).  Currently they sit in the bottom half at number 13; surely the Conference League beckons.  Visitors today are Fleetwood Town no doubt with the Cod Army in tow.  Fleetwood have started the season off well and currently sit at number 3.  All of which suggests that the Grambler has cocked it up again – but hey, this is all about random gambling so, who knows?

 

Aberdeen vs Inverness Caledonian Thistle – Draw – 5/2

Our number four game takes us over the border – way, way over the border to the Dons’ Pittodrie in the north east of Scotland.  Until Ross County joined Caley in the top flight last season this was as close to a local derby match that the Invernusians managed, even though the two places are 83 miles apart.  Ex Motherwell management team of Terry Butcher and Maurice Malpas have got Caley riding high at the top of the league – ahead of even Motherwell and some other outfit.  Oh yes, Celtic.  They remain unbeaten, only dropping two points with a draw at Celtic Park.  Aberdeen are doing okay as well, sitting at number 4.  The last two meetings between the teams went the way of the home team on both occasions; perhaps the Grambler is not so far wrong with the prediction of a draw.

Motherwell link – As well as Tel and Mo, ex Motherwell players are in both squads.  Inverness have playmaker and goal-machine Richie Foran and Aberdeen have defender Mark Reynolds.

 

Queen’s Park vs Elgin – Away – 6/4

The final game of our quintet takes us to the home of Scottish football – Hampden.  Well, Lesser Hampden which is where the Spiders play out of.  Visitors today are Elgin City who have the rather dull nickname of the Black and Whites.  I wonder what gave them the idea for that one.  Both teams have got off to a shaky (crap) start.  Elgin sit in second bottom place with 5 points and the poor old Spiders are in bottom spot with (whisper it) no points. The Grambler reckons they will still be on ‘null points’ after this encounter.  I don’t think I disagree.

 

Betting odds

If the Grambler has got everything spot on and the 5 game accumulator pays out the odds are – fanfare – 386/1.  Woo hoo!

 

Okay, I don’t think it will happen so I have done a cowardly thing and also put 10 doubles on the same games.  Yeah, what a copout.  Still it might bring some pennies for the Bobby Moore Fund.  And isn’t that what it’s all about.

 

Happy Grambling.

Week 30: Happy Jesus' death day!

Glad to be back to good ol' league football after an international break which proved devastating for both the Grambler's bets and my faith in the Scotland national team.  Wins for Holland and the mighty Uzbekistan on Tuesday gave us a grand total of two out of five correct predictions which the chairman has deemed 'not good enough.'  The newspapers were full of talk of The Grambler's imminent sacking on Wednesday morning but after crunch talks with the board, he/she/it has been given a vote of confidence, but been warned that results must change before the end of the season.  There will be a great deal of pressure on all staff at Grambler Park this week and some good predictions will be expected to alleviate shareholders and fans alike.

Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Swansea vs Tottenham - Draw - 2/5
Aberdeen vs Hearts - Home win - 7/5
Preston vs Portsmouth - Home win - 4/6
Ipswich vs Leeds - Home win - 23/20
Queen of the South vs Brechin - Home win - 4/11
50p @ 39/1

With Tottenham looking to seize 4th place from rivals Chelsea, a trip to Swansea may appear daunting.  The League cup winners may be back in 9th place but their home form has been impressive this season.  Swansea manager Michael Laudrup has warned Spurs that they could suffer from the 'FIFA virus'; an illness comparable to chlamydia whereby a one-night stand with international football leaves one unable to perform.  Aberdeen have finally moved Granpaw Broon into a granny flat beside Pittodrie and appointed former St Johnstone boss Derek McInnes, breaking a club tradition of only stealing Motherwell managers.  The Dons sit 9th in the SPL, although the fans still reckon that it's 1989 and they're challenging for the title.  Hearts have already been through their annual managerial turmoil, replacing John McGlynn with Gary Locke who will inevitably be sacked at the end of the season anyway.  Preston boss Simon Grayson has pretty much written off this season but claims that the foundations are in place for a promotion push next year.  He has overseen just one win in six games since taking over.  Portsmouth look likely to continue their unstoppable slide down the leagues with relegation to League Two this year.  It's almost like spending beyond their means in the Premiership leading to financial instability and seasons of poor performances on the pitch was a bad idea.  Who was manager then again?  Oh yeah, 'Sir' Harry Redknapp...  Since taking over as Ipswich gaffer earlier in the season, Mick McCarthy has taken his side from bottom to something resembling safety.  However, the Tractorboys have the lowest number of goals for in the Championship.  And the worst nickname.  Neil Warnock has said that if Leeds fail to gain promotion to the Premiership this season, he will leave the club.  Currently 10th, a play-off spot is not mathematically impossible but with 2 wins in the past 10 games, he'd best start packing his  bags.

Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game - Result - Odds
Wigan vs Norwich - Home win - 10/11
Southampton vs Chelsea - Home win - 5/8
Everton vs Stoke - Draw - 11/4
50p @ 24/1

Wigan have reached that point in the season where they occasionally remember to win some games but they are still in the relegation zone.  Roberto Martinez expects his team to attack and be aggressive in their fight for survival.  Apparently Callum McManaman took this too literally...  Norwich have had a good season, although with probably a few more draws than they would like.  They have already started planning for next season by bolstering their attack with a club-record signing of the man with the greatest name in world football; Ricky van Wolfswinkel!  Just months ago, Southampton looked like they were already doomed.  But the appointment of Mauricio Pochettino may prove to be a shrewd one with the Saints joint on points with Sunderland in 15th.  Pochettino's only 2 wins have come against Manchester City and Liverpool, so Chelsea might not seem so daunting to him.  The Blues have moved past Spurs to 3rd in the Premiership and Rafa Benitez will be looking to hold onto this position, lest the Chelsea fans somehow turn against him even more.  The reverse fixture ended in a 2-2 draw back in January, and this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for Nigel Adkins.  Everton will once again be aiming to finish ahead of their noisy neighbours this season and so far lead the way with a 3 point advantage as well as a game in hand.  They were surprise victors against Manchester City prior to the international break and will hope that this form will not have been disturbed by the interval.  Stoke look set to end the season with their usual mid-table finish having gained no new fans as a result of their style of football.  But on a positive note, they will no longer be lumbered with the waste of space, self publicising, deluded, former footballer Michael Owen.

Three goalscorer accumulator
Scorer - Match - Odds
Michu - Swansea vs Tottenham - 8/5
Dimitar Berbatov - Fulham vs QPR - 10/11
Edin Dzeko - Manchester City vs Newcastle - 20/21
50p @ 9/1

Michu will undoubtedly go down as the find of the season having cost Michael Laudrup just £2 million and going on to score 15 league goals already this season.  Spurs kept a clean-sheet against Swansea back in December and will be aiming to keep Michu quiet once again.  Berbatov has been a pleasure to watch in the Premiership for the past 7 seasons with some memorable goals.  He is Fulham's top scorer this season with 11 but was not on the scoresheet when QPR defeated Fulham 2-1 earlier in the season.  Dzeko is perhaps the one of the most under-appreciated players at Manchester City with rumours constantly abound that the Bosnian striker will be sold off at the end of the season.  With 12 league goals this season, he is City's top scorer.  However, Roberto Mancini may not start with the striker following his international involvement during the week.

And that's yer lot!  Three relatively plausible bets to follow this weekend which could bring in a massive £36 for the Bobby Moore Fund.  And as always, remember; if you are Grambling under the age of 12, make sure you do so with the help of a responsible adult.

Week 27: Vote Grambler for President of Venezuela!

Still buzzing from the success of The Gramblerzghi last weekend, I have become all the more determined to win some bets and send the proceeds over to the Bobby Moore Fund to assist in the war against bowel cancer; a war which has raged on for 87 years during which time a number of frankly unspeakable war crimes have been committed.

This determination has brought a massive realisation during a brief moment of clarity. In the old format, I did not win very much. With that in mind, famous popular music singer David Bowie has announced "The Grambler is ch-ch-ch-changing.". Poor old guy never did get round to working on that stutter...

So instead of one highly unlikely bet, we now have one highly unlikely bet plus two potential (but unlikely) winners.  The odds on the second and third bets are rather low but any winnings are good winnings.  So without much Freddy Adu, I present to you the all new Grambler (which I'll probably only stick with for one week before becoming lazy and complacent.)

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game, Result, Odds
Stranraer vs Albion Rovers, Home win, 7/10
Scunthorpe vs Coventry, Home win, 2/1
Peterborough vs Ipswich, Away win, 2/1
Birmingham vs Derby, Home win, 13/8
St Johnstone vs Kilmarnock, Home win, 10/11
50p @ 76/1

Bet the first is pretty much the same as the usual farfetched Grambler bet.  Once again, a win looks unlikely here... Perhaps 3 out of the 5 will come out correct.  However, whilst said scenario is possibly the best outcome, them pets don't win prizes as Dale Winton used to say... Actually, I'm not sure that he ever did say that.  I was about to Tweet him and ask but the only accounts for him seem to be fake. So I tweeted original PWP host Danny Baker instead.  


Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game, Result, Odds
Man City vs Barnsley, Home win, 1/7
West Brom vs Swansea, Home win, 29/20
Norwich vs Southampton, Draw, 12/5
50p @ 9/1

Our second bet aims to make The Grambler a touch more exciting by focusing purely on the Bestest League in the World.  For most people, the Premiership represents more exciting football than Torquay vs Accrington Stanley.  So by placing a bet only on Premiership games, the weekend may not be ruined even though the early kick off League Two game has already lost the main bet.  The FA Cup includes many top tier teams this weekend so these games have been included, hence the presence of Barnsley. The bet is not too shabby; Man City are the clear favourites in their match, West Brom have tremendous home form behind them and both Norwich and Southampton are prone to draws.  I should really have included a joke about Tevez putting City in the driving seat just there...

Bet 3: Three man anytime goalscorer accumulator from the Premiership
Player, Odds
Romelu Lukaku, 6/5
Edin Dzeko, 8/13
Steven Fletcher, 6/4
50p @ 8/1

Mixing things up a little, we have a goalscorer bet for the first time ever.  This is a historical moment, perhaps on as par with the moment that the Pope assassinated Trotsky on the moon.  Picked via random number generator from a list of all Premiership players to have scored 5 or more goals this season, the results are interesting.  West Brom's on-loan Lukaku has been in good form recently, whilst Dzeko can be good for a goal if Man City are in control...  The main problem is that he may not start.  Finally, Sunderland's Steve Fletcher has 10 goals thus far, most of which have come at home.  Unfortunately they are away to Ol' Melty Face Redknapp's QPR this afternoon.  Still, this bet may just make this afternoon's Grambling that little bit more enthralling.


A massive total of £48.50 up for grabs today from a £1.50 bet.  Should this format come anywhere close to success I'll be sticking to it.  Otherwise, I'll be doing a Cardinal Keith and pretending that this never happened...

Happy Gramblin!

Week 18: Preparing for Billy Crystalmas!

Tis the season to be jolly, falalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!  Or so the old song goes, but it's hard to be jolly when The Grambler insists on presenting me with ridiculously inaccurate predictions!  With one game cancelled due to the weather last weekend, only four needed to be accurate.  And the bet was not unreasonable as such.  It was the best chance in months to win a wad of dosh for the Bobby Moore Fund.  But what happened?  A measly ONE out of four results came up, that's what happened!  And it was probably the one in which I had the least confidence... Liverpool winning?  That's just absurd!

This week sees the return of the SUPER MEGA GRAMBLER BONUS BET!!! so we are all but guaranteed a winner.  And to quote famous footballing personality Peter Beardsley, "I trust The Grambler to the extent that I sold my house and all of my possessions so that I could place the proceeds on this bet.  Also, I'm well chuffed with my It's A Wonderful Life tee shirt available now at RedBubble..."

Game 1: Bolton Wanderers vs Charlton Athletic

Prediction: Home win

Bolton have won just one in seven games under Dougie Freedman and a quick return to the Premiership is looking increasingly unlikely.  Currently languishing in 18th place in the Championship, Wanderers also have the worst shots to goals ration in the division.  Charlton are currently three points ahead of their opponents and just four from the play-off spots.  Celebrity fan Charlton Heston said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "I've played three presidents, three saints and two geniuses - and that's probably enough for any man."  Exactly. 

Odds on this result: 10/11

Game 2: Peterhead vs Annan Athletic

Prediction: Away win

Peterhead and Annan inhabit 6th and 7th places in Division Three respectively.  A win for the home side would double the gap between the two but Athletic could draw level on points with a victory.  Celebrity fan Kofi Annan said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "we have the means and the capacity to deal with our problems, if only we can find the political will." Indeed.

Odds on this result: 11/4

Game 3: Celtic vs St Mirren

Prediction: Home win

Celtic are momentarily four points clear of SPL title favourites Motherwell, much to the surprise of the nation.  The home side narrowly defeated Arbroath during the week in order to progress in the Scottish Cup.  Meanwhile, the Buddies find themselves uncomfortably close to the relegation spot in the SPL, but are still six points clear of bottom side Dundee.   

Celebrity fan Helen Mirren said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "flesh sells. People don't want to see pictures of churches. They want to see naked bodies."  Precisely.

Odds on this result: 1/5

Game 4: Norwich City vs Wigan Athletic

Prediction: Draw

Norwich have surprised many this season with some strong performances under Chris Hughton.  The Canaries were victorious in a seven-goal-thriller last weekend at Swansea but fell victim to former boss Paul Lambert's Aston Villa side during the week.Wigan have only won one of their last six games and currently sit in the relegation zone.  Celebrity fan Bradley Wiggins said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "I can’t account for where anyone else is at.  I'm better than I've ever been."  Absolutely.

Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 5: Queens Park vs Elgin City

Prediction: Home win

This game pits 3rd against 2nd in the Third Division and the winner could emerge as the main contenders to Glasgow Franchise Scheme FC for the title.  The home side defeated Annan 3-2 last weekend whilst Elgin were also winners at home to Clyde.  Celebrity fan The Queen said of the home team's fortunes so far this season "the British Constitution has always been puzzling and always will be."  Amen.

Odds on this result: 11/10

There is your main bet for this weekend and with odds of 60/1, we could all be £60-aires by Sunday!  You could be like me and donate said winnings to a good cause.  Or you could use it to kickstart a fund for your very own John Motson monkey. 

Also, seeing as it's nearly Christmas, here is a SUPER MEGA GRAMBLER BONUS BET!!! 

Game;Both teams to score?;Odds

Blackpool vs Blackburn; Yes; 4/7

Dunfermline vs Hamilton; Yes; 4/7

Birmingham vs Crystal Palace; No; 6/5

Oldham vs Swindon; No; 1/1

Dagenham & Redbridge; Yes; 8/13

Only 18/1 on that one, but a nice wee Brucie bonus if it comes off. 

Now go forth, and spread the good word of our almighty Grambler in peace. 

Week 8 Results: Different recipe, same great taste!

It would appear that at some point over the weekend, I pressed a big red button which said 'do not press' quite clearly on it and somehow managed to destroy this here website.  Thankfully, the world is still intact and all of the text still existed (there is no way I was re-writing that jibberish) but I had deleted the entire template.  Having spent the past few days rebuilding, I would like to introduce you to the new, improved Grambler!*  There is also now a frequently asked questions page (click over there somewhere).  If you have a question which you would like to frequently ask, feel free to use the comments section, send a message via the Facebook page or alternatively write it on a blank postcard and send to: 

KFC Customer Services
PO Box 57984
London W4 9AX

Back to the business at hand...   It was an average week for The Grambler with three of the seven results correct.  But it was an exciting weekend nonetheless, with 26 goals shared between the 14 teams involved.  That may be a Grambler record, I would check but I can't be bothered.  

*May not actually be improved in any way.

Game 1: Airdrie United vs Hamilton Acidemical
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Hamilton had yet to record a league win this season as they visited the Excelsior stadium, which is either named for one of the largest gems ever found or a ship in Star Trek.  Since Airdrie are nicknamed the DIAMONDS, I'm going to assume it's the latter.  But I digress.  Accies dominated the first half but Airdrie nearly took the lead following the restart; a Stephen Hendrie back-pass was intercepted but Kevin Cuthbert did well to save.  This was to be the home side's only shot on target though, and in the 66th minute, Hamilton finally took the lead with Ali Crawford scoring his 4th of the season.  Six minutes later and the lead was doubled via a Louis Longridge header.  Stevie May, who appears to be related to Brian going by the hair alone, scored in the 83rd minute to make the score 'realistic' according to the Accies' website; they fail to confirm whether they are referring to philosophical, scientific or socio-political realism.  St Johnstone loanee May then rounded off a good day with a second from the penalty spot, the first spot-kick Hamilton have been awarded for forty games apparently.

Game 2: West Bromwich Albion vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Draw ( x )

West Brom continued their fine start the season with a win at the Hawthorns.  And it didn't take long to get the ball rolling, with midfielder and unbearably mediocre singer James Morrison notching the first on 5 minutes.  After 22 minutes, the hosts were two-up thanks to a goal from Zoltan Gera, the evil-looking-fortune-granting-whilst-unplugged-machine from Big.  Adel Taarabt pulled one back for Rangers before half-time but any chance of a come-back was buried when Congolese midfielder Youssouf Mulumbu swept in five minutes from time.  QPR did manage a late consolation via Esteban Granero, but Albion managed to hang on for the remaining seconds to record the win.  Man-of-the-match nominee Morrison made it into BBC correspondent Garth Crook's 'team of the week', alongside the outstanding claim that Roy Hodgson should be keeping an eye on him.  That would be Roy Hodgson, England manager, keeping tabs on Scott Morrison, capped 23 times by Scotland... This is the cutting-edge journalism that your licence fee is paying for!

Game 3: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
A sunny Autumnal day was not enough to bring out the crowds in Forfar - somehow Station Park defied all physical possibilities to host a crowd of minus 487 -  as the home side were edged out in another five goal thriller.  An early penalty was dispatched by Ryan McCord to put the visitors in front but the lead lasted just one minute as budget jeans salesman Danny Denholm levelled the score with a header.  The Wasps found themselves in front once more when defender Jason Marr scored his first goal for the club in the 22nd minute, and this time they managed to hold onto their lead for slightly longer; the score remaining the same as the players munched on their half-time bridies.  Eleven minutes from time and Denholm had once again pulled the home side level, a left-footed strike beating Alloa's Scott Bain.  But again, the reprieve was only temporary as just five minutes later Mark Docherty nodded the winner to seal the points for Paul Hartley's side.    
Sponsored link; For all your fashion needs, visit Danny Denholm's Discount Denims... The savings are in his jeans!     

Game 4: Chelsea vs Norwich City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Off the field, it has not been a great week for Chelsea.  Captain and alleged massive racist John Terry was found guilty of being an alleged massive racist whilst defender and all-round unlikeable guy Ashley Cole has been fined for calling the alleged bunch of twats at the FA a bunch of twats.  However, on the pitch it was back to business as usual.   It was a comfortable win for the league frontrunners, but it was Norwich who took the lead when Grant Holt drove in a 15 yard shot.  Fast-forward 20 minutes and any hope that City had of holding on to their lead had been demolished.  Fernando Torres headed an equaliser on 14 minutes and a trademark long-range strike from Frank Lampard put the blues in front.  Just after the half-hour mark, Eden Hazard put the home side comfortably in front, all of this in spite of a Ruddy good attempt from Norwich's goalie to keep them in the game.  Norwich had some chances in the second half through counter-attacks but failed to find the net and force a way back into the game.  Branislav Ivanovic made sure of the three points when he drilled in the fourth with 15 minutes remaining.  And for all of you football trivia fans; Ivanovic once challenged Deep Blue to a game of Buckaroo and won.

Game 5: Millwall vs Bolton Wanderers 
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Defeat at Millwall proved to be the last straw for the Bolton board, with Owen Coyle losing his job in the aftermath.  And what a cruel way for the manager to go, with a 90th minute goal winning the tie for the Lions as well as a missed penalty that could have granted the visitors a win.  Millwall started well and early on Danny Shittu had a goal ruled out by the officials.  I Shittu not, a push on the goalkeeper was spotted by the referee and the home-side were denied the lead.  Shortly after, they made amends when Darius Henderson's shot deflected into the net past a sprawling Adam Bogdan, whom I swear was in Harry Potter.  Five minutes after half-time, Chris Eagles levelled the game; a soaring shot from the winger flew past the flapping keeper and nested in the net (because he has a name what is like a bird, see?)  Eagles was then given the chance to put his side in front from the spot after a foul from Jimmy Abdou, but he blazed the kick over the bar.  And in the last minute of the game, Henderson grabbed his second whilst moistening the seal on the envelope containing Coyle's P45 (not literally, that would just have been weird.)     

Game 6: Leyton P&O vs Sheffield United
Prediction: Home win ( x )
There is not a great deal to say about this game... A lucklustre first half by all accounts ended with neither team threatening to score, the only reportable incident was an injury to  Blades keeper Mark Howard which forced the introduction of  18 year old keeper George Long.  The second half saw slightly more action and just before the hour mark, Nick Blackman scored a stunning match-winner from 25 yards.  Kevin Lisbie could have equalised for Orient, but his shot was well-saved by Long.  Following the match, Orient's chairman Barry Hearn resumed his mental claims that the club should move to the Olympic Stadium instead of West Ham, stating that the club will not exist in five years time unless they move and rename themselves London Orient (catchy).  Apparently Mr Hearn made his fortune as an accountant.  Then went bankrupt.  Then somehow made another fortune  as an accountant.  So he should be able to complete this quick maths puzzle; Saturday's match was attended by 4,882 fans.  Of these, 1,253 were Sheffield United fans.  The Olympic Stadium has a capacity of 80,000.  Showing your working, please calculate WHY THE FECK ANYONE WOULD THINK THIS IS A POSSIBLY GOOD IDEA!? 

Game 7: Brentford vs Crawley Town
Prediction: Away win ( x )
In the first of two ties taking place between these two sides this week, Brentford emerged as winners thanks to a Clayton Donaldson double.  Brentford started the game well with 'Harry Forrester playing like a conductor controlling an orchestra in the first quarter and the rest of the Brentford players playing his tune while Crawley stood and admired.'  Thank you to the wannabe poet who does the Brentford match reports for that line.  Donaldson opened the scoring after 23 minutes when he slotted past Crawley keeper and former Manfredd Mann singer Paul Jones.  Nicky Adams gave the visitors hope with his goal in the 59th minute, having intercepted a poor back-pass.  But this was to be Crawley's only on-target shot of the game.  Donaldson secured the win with a neat chip in the 76th minute to move the Bees closer to the play-off spots.  And an insipid fact to round things off:  In what could be the most z-list celebrity coupling ever, Donaldson's partner is former Fame Academy contestant Pippa Fulton.  I bet you really wanted to know that.

So another week without a win.  From next week, I am thinking it might be a good idea to select my three favourite predictions (based on the reliability balls) and stick a separate bet on them as three correct seems to represent a good week.  Thus, the chances of raising money for those lovely Bobby Moore chaps would be increased.  Makes sense, no?

It is an international break once again this weekend, with a host of games taking place on Friday night.  I shall have the predictions online early on Friday morning for your enjoyment and/or ridicule.

"A frog in a well does not know the great sea."

-Ancient Japanese Proverb

(Nota bene: In this week's Rather Pointless Quote of the Week, The Grambler is 'the frog', 'the well' is the world of football betting and 'the great sea' is Scunthorpe.)

Week 8: The most accurate predictions since Mr T predicted pain!

A Grambler walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "hang on, aren't you a spreadsheet?  Or at very best a figment of some idiot's imagination with personality characteristics reflected upon it via a poorly written football blog?"

The Grambler replied "shut up and give me a pint, you beer-mongering scallywag!"

The bartender duly pulls the customer a pint of locally-brewed, weak lager and it retires to a booth by the window.  After a couple of minutes of enjoying the pint and the dulcet tones of The Carpenters emanating from the nearby jukebox, The Grambler was shocked to find that his table had started to rotate wildly causing the lager to spill.  Frustrated, the dataset approached the bar and ordered another pint.  Retiring to another seat so as not to tempt fate, The Grambler places his pint on the table only for it to start spinning rapidly, throwing it's pint glass accross the room.  Trying one more time, as these jokes always seem to have three attempts prior to the punchline, it found the same scenario played out.

Angered by this inability to enjoy a quiet drink, The Grambler approaches the barman once more and says "what the ruddy 'eck is going on here?" (having suddenly taken on the persona of a Yorkshireman),  "I'm just trying to enjoy a drink and your furniture keeps rotating!"

"Ah, well..." starts the barman.  "Seeing as you are a piece of data software..."

"I thought you'd enjoy a pivot table!"

Yes that's right, I've lowered myself to spreadsheet humour!  So about those predictions...

Game 1: Airdrie United vs Hamilton Acidemical
Prediction: Home win 
Oh yes, it's the crap Lanarkshire teams derby!  Clydebank Franchise #1 FC have taken only one point from their last five league games despite a good start to the season, whereby they won their first two matches.  Manager Jimmy Boyle has bemoaned his sides defensive frailties, commenting that they aren't comfortable on the ball, give it away cheaply and need to improve.  "We aren't confident enough on the ball and give it away cheaply. We need to improve" he told reporters.  Hamilton Acidemical, whose name suggests highly intelligent players with a home strip of robes and mortar boards, have fared even worse in the league this season.  Taking just three points from seven games, Billy Reid's side sit second bottom of the  First Division.  Do you know what would cheer him up?  Watching footage of himself falling on his backside whilst trying to grab the top of the dugout shelter.  On repeat.

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/8

Game 2: West Bromwich Albion vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Draw
The first of two Premiership games this week sees high flying West Brom take on bottom side QPR.  The Baggies, named so for their love of early-90s dance orientated music primarily coming out of Manchester, have impressed from the off this season, with three wins and only one loss in their first six games.  Steve Clarke has generally spent his career as an assistant but is proving that he is no Maurice Malpas with West Brom's current form.  He has certainly come a long way since his Eastenders days.  QPR meanwhile, are crap.  Ludicrously rich chairman Tony Fernandes has put a fair amount of money into the club and Mark Hughes has decided that, instead of investing it in youth or lesser known talent, he would like to buy fifty odd has-beens and watch them lose on a weekly basis.  Sitting bottom of the league and with an unpredictable rich owner who appears to know very little about football?  Get your bets in for the first managerial casualty of the season!  A draw is the best we can hope for, but even that seems unlikely.

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 11/4

Game 3: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
Yaaaaas, sitting here writing this 'ere blog and True by Spandau Ballet has just come on t'radio!  Anyway, where was I?  Ah, Forfar vs Alloa... The battle of the Athletics... Is that a derby?  I'm going to say yes.  Hah, hah, hah, haaahaaahaaaa (damn, this is going to be stuck in my head all day.)  Anyhoo, Forfar are another in-form team with an impressive five wins and a draw form their last six.  If they keep up this form, manager Dick Campbell will be back on the karaoke!  Alloa are six points behind their opponents with a reasonable three wins and a draw from their seven games.  They have good away form too, winning two thirds of their games on the road.  The last time the two sides met at Station Park, Forfar were comfortable winners with a 3-1 victory, could the Wasps be out for revenge?    Saxophone solo!

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 13/5

Game 4: Chelsea vs Norwich City
Prediction: Home win
The current European Champions take on take on the current... em, Norwich.  Chelsea are unbeaten this season and have only dropped two points in a 0-0 draw with QPR.  Their impressive run has been aided by recent(ish) acquisitions of Eden Hazzard and Juan Mata.  They could have been joined by Athletico Madrid's Radamel Falcao but he went all Elvis Costello on them.  Norwich have not been having such a great time this season.  Last season, they exceeded expectations under Paul Lambert (let's see that again!), but since his departure for Aston Villa and the subsequent appointment Chris Hughton, they have failed to impress.  Currently sitting in the relegation zone with a poor three points from six games, the mustard-mongers could already be candidates for relegation already.  In case you can't tell, 'monger' is my affix of the week.

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 2/9

Game 5: Millwall vs Bolton Wanderers 
Prediction: Home win
"No one likes us, we don't care" so goes the old Millwall ditty.  Well they should care, because Craig Noone seems like a thoroughly decent bloke.  Millwall have been sulking around the bottom half of the Championship for the past two seasons and currently sit in the relegation zone with just eight points from nine games.  And thanks to manager Kenny Jackett, Millwall are the proud recipients of The Grambler's Childish Giggle of the Week award.  Bolton wandered out of the Premiership at the end of last season and don't look like they'll be making a quick return.  Former 'brilliant up-and-coming young manager' turned 'mediocre not-really-going-anywhere-fast middle-aged manager' Owen Coyle seems to have taken to blaming referees for his failures and his side are currently just three points ahead of Millwall.  And worse still for the boss, he is struggling to pay off his debt of raw materials to the spring factory.  That's right, he's owing coil (this joke is copyrighted and I will sue if you try to use it without prior written consent.)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 15/8

Game 6: Leyton Orient vs Sheffield United
Prediction: Home win
According to reliable sources (Wikipedia), Leyton Orient took their name from their founder who had worked for the Orient Shipping Company.  Initially called Clapton Orient, reflecting their home-town, the side moved to Leyton after the second World War therefore becoming Leyton Orient.  As the Orient Shipping Company was taken over by P&O, they should really be called Leyton P&O so that is how they shall be referred to by me for the rest of my life.  Please do join me in this campaign.  P&O currently sit right in the middle of League One (technically that would mean 12.5th) and have a home record of two wins and two losses.  Sheffield United have fared slightly better and are one of three teams to remain unbeaten in League One thus far.  The Blades (named so because of their fans love of Wesley Snipes) have won two and drawn three on their travels.  Could they put in a blunt performance this week?  Call it a stab in the dark, but I think this could be a winner.  Manager Danny Wilson could soon be for the chop.  Their strikers have been known to slice their shots.  I could go on....

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 7: Brentford vs Crawley Town
Prediction: Away win
And finally we arrive in Brentford, a suburb of London which is famous for housing the headquarters of the Tie Rack.  And possibly some other stuff.  The football team have spent most of their existence dithering about the third tier of English football and currently sit tenth in the division with fourteen points.  The Bees' manager Uwe Rösler says "in the last few games we have had problems up front and haven't had too many chances."  They could learn a lot from their manager, who was the Premiership top scorer back in 1996... In a game of Championship Manager I once played...  Paired up front with Stefan Kuntz... Crawley have slowly been creeping up the table this season (the joke there was creepy-crawly in case you missed it).  They have perhaps been the surprise package in League One, with nineteen points in their ten games since promotion.  Top scorer and captain Gary Alexander will be hoping to make an impression against his former club.  I've heard he does a good Columbo. 

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5

The Grambler has spoken!  Go now and place your bets, lest ye be smited by the Great Grambling One!  Total odds for this week are 1,523/1!

Did you notice that this week's effort was on time?  Don't get too used to it... I shall be back between the hours of 9 a.m. Sunday and 11.30 p.m. Wednesday with the results.  I call it 'Royal Mail timing.' 

Week 2 Results: That didn't go too well....

That looked like a good bet.  It did, didn't it?  Admit it!  Now, we are only in week two so I am not fully expecting to be correct every week, but surely I could not do worse than last week?  Oh.  

And to top it all off, The Grambler has gone beyond predicting games incorrectly and managed to pick one that got called off!  I'm starting to lose faith in this erroneous spreadsheet!  But the show must go on, as good ol' Freddie once said.

Here is a run down of this weeks results.  If you like, you can make that noise that occurs every time a ball is drawn in the National Lottery in-between each scoreline.  You know the one...  Try it, it is guaranteed to enhance your reading experience. 

Game 1: Norwich City vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Home Win (Nay)
Do you know how disheartening it is to check the first result only to find that the bet is already screwed?  Quite.  Well that's how I felt today.  Glancing over the classified results with high expectations, I made it to the fourth game on the list only to realise that I would not be a thousandairre this week.  Norwich started brightly with Simeon Jackson heading them in front in only the 11th minute.  But what's this?  Another referee who has it in for The Grambler, thank you very much Mark Clattenburg!  Or should that say, Mark ClattenCHEAT!  With mental-haired Djibril Cisse tripping over his own shadow, the ref pointed to the spot.  Heroic Norwich keeper John Ruddy saved the spotkick only for Bobby Zamora (who was encroaching on the area according to every single match report) to score on the rebound.  Factoid of the day: I have urinated whilst standing next to celebrity Canaries fan and Sky Sports presenter Simon Thomas.  I Tweeted him.  He didn't reply.


Game 2: Watford vs Birmingham City
Prediction: Draw (Nay)
Due to the previous result, by the time this game kicked off, it didn't even matter.  Just as well then... An impressive showing from Watford saw on-loan Udinese duo Almen Abdi and Matej Vydra net a goal each in a 2-0 win.  The Pozzo family who own Watford used their links to bring in both players in the summer and it seems to have paid off.  Birmingham rarely threatened to take control of the game, although Nikola Zigic (who is 9 ft 3 in and has a girls name) came closest for the visitors.

Game 3: Notts County vs Walsall
Prediction: Home Win (Nay)
How did this one go wrong!?  I gave it 9 balls!  According to my thorough Wikipedia research, Walsall are crap!  Yet, the visitors took 3 points following a 1-0 victory over The Magpies.  In what County manager Keith Curle described as a 'frustrating afternoon', both teams had their chances but Walsall's Andy Butler ((possibly) nicknamed 'Berk' by his team-mates after the character from kid's TV favourite The Trap Door) scored the decisive goal.  Following this victory, local Walsall personality George O'Dowd said "karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go, you come and goooooooo."  I have no idea what he's talking about.

Game 4: Blackburn Rovers vs Leicester City
Prediction: Draw (Nay)
Well if it isn't The Grambler's favourites up next.  Over at the Ewood chicken processing factory, two teams hoping to be challenging for promotion were vying for a draw to keep me happy.  It was all going to plan as well!  Rovers took the lead via a goal from marquee summer signing Nuno Gomes and Leicester equalised through striker and car-dealer's son Jamie Vardy.  Unfortunately, the selfish referee decided to allow the two teams another 35 minutes of play, in which time Blackburn scored the winner.  Pensioner Morten Gamst Pederson scored from the edge of the penalty area with 10 minutes remaining.  If The Grambler selects a draw for Blackburn next week I shall break my laptop in a fit of rage!

Game 5: Middlesbrough vs Crystal Palace
Prediction: Away Win  (Nay)  
Staying with the Championship, Crystal Palace wasted a brilliant chance to win favour with The Grambler by purposely losing away to Middlesbrough.  Seb Hines put the Boro in the lead with a goal on his first start of the season and former Hibernian midget and Prince lookalike Merouane Zemmama doubled the lead with a free kick.  Palace's Jermaine Easter pulled one back from the penalty spot following a foul from Boro's Josh McCeachren but they could not find an equaliser, let alone a winner.  It rounds off a good week for the town of Middlesbrough, as the local council announced plans to repair the bus station doors and THE Fireman Sam visited the town!

Game 6: Wycombe Wanderers vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Draw (Void)
Technically not an incorrect prediction as this one was called off in the 66th minute due to a flooded pitch.  In August.  Global warming I tell thee!  It is probably a good thing too, as Rovers were leading 3-1 at the time of postponement.  Lee Brown had opened the scoring for the visitors before Richard Logan headed in to keep the Wanderers in the game.  However, a double by a Bristol player with the surname Richard pretty much wrapped up the three points.  I can't be bothered checking so I'm just going to claim that it was Cliff Richard.  Hopefully the people of Wycombe will remember to make a suitable sacrifice to the rain God Chaac prior to next week's fixtures.

Game 7:  Acrington Stanley vs Exeter City
Prediction: Away Win (Yay!)
And so we reach the end of this weeks Grambling.  And what's this?  A correct prediction?  Hooray!  My faith in The Grambler has been fully restored thanks to this lone correct prediction!  And Exeter won it in emphatic style too.  A 3-0 victory saw them control the game from start to finish.  Nomadic footballer Alan Gow scored a brace and  a final minute goal from Guillem Bauzà sealed the victory.  Points of interest from this paragraph: Point 1 - I actually had to check to see if this was THE Alan Gow and upon checking realised that I have actually watched the guy playing for Motherwell.  Forgot all about that.  Point 2 - I am no linguistic expert but it appears to me that if you translate Guillem Bauzà's name from Spanish to English, he is called Willy Balls.

Well what a week that was!  Starting out with the highest of expectations is clearly not the way to go about this.  From now on I will assume the worst.  Well not quite the worst.  The worst would clearly be that I sit down to compile next week's fixtures and John Barnes will burst into the room dressed as a clown singing Chim Chim Cheree... 

Some interesting statistics for you:

• Since the start of this project (including the trial run week) The Grambler has gone from predicting 3 games correctly, to 2 and on to 1 this week.  If I were you I would not take my advice next week.  (Also, if I were you I would go and donate £10 to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research!)
• Which equates to a total of 28.57% correct predictions.  Doesn't sound that bad, does it?
• I have now wasted a total of £4 on bets and £5 to register a domain name.  
• This is a total of £9.

Please do join me again next Friday for Round 3!  In the meantime, here is a quote to help us all through these hard times of Grambling craptitude:

"The only sure thing about luck is that it will change."
                                                        -Bret Harte (Author and poet, NOT wrestler.)

Week 2: If this were strip billiards, I'd be as naked as Harry.

John Motson: "Well what a fine list of results The Grambler is bringing us this week. Outstanding! Mark?"

Mark Lawrenson: "Yes, outstanding,"

John Motson: "I think it's safe to say that we will all be rich at the end of the weekend if we take the advice of the almighty one.  What will you spending your winnings on?"

Mark Lawrenson: "Well first of all, I'll be getting some new stockings and suspenders."

John Motson: "Ah, good on you Mark.  Treating the wife?"

Mark Lawrenson: "No."

John Motson: "..."*


And now that that nonsense is out of the way, here is what The Grambler tells us will definitely happen this weekend!

Game 1: Norwich City vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Home Win
Hooray, it's our first Premiership prediction of the season!  And adding last week's results to knee-jerk reactions, I'm going to call this a relegation dogfight!  Chris Hughton started his Norwich career with a humiliating 5-0 defeat away to Fulham.  The Canaries have maintained the majority of the squad that were a delight to watch under Paul Lambert last season and there is no reason why they can't play like that this season.  QPR kicked the season off with an equally, if not more, embarrassing 5-0  home defeat to Swansea.  And with QPR continuing their mental transfer strategy of building the largest, overpaid squad of ageing players in the league by adding Ricardo Carvalho on loan, they may well be in for a long season.  Both teams will be keen to bounce back from the opening weekend but with a home advantage and more settled squad, I think this is a reasonable bet.  Reliability balls: 7/10.

Odds on this result: 5/4

Game 2: Watford vs Birmingham City
Prediction: Draw
Neatly moving from Chris Hughton's new side to his old side... Lee Clark now holds the metaphoric reins at Birmingham City and looked to have made a reasonable start with a 1-1 draw at home to Charlton Athletic, however this was followed by a 3-2 midweek defeat at Sheffield Wednesday.  Also starting the season with a new manager in the lovable Gianfranco Zola, Watford have had similar fortunes with a 3-2 away win over Crystal Palace (more on them later) followed by a 1-0 home defeat to Ipswich Town.  So home advantage might mean nothing in Watford's case but I have a gut feeling that they may edge it, especially if they start with legendary sitter-misser Chris Iwelumo up front.  A draw is not such an outlandish prediction though.  Reliability balls: 6/10.

Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 3: Notts County vs Walsall
Prediction: Home Win
Dropping down to League 1 now, we have a rather good prediction.  Notts County have had a splendid start to the campaign and currently sit joint top of the league thanks to a 2-1 away win at Crewe Alexandria and a 2-0 midweek win over Jeff's favourite team.  The Saddlers however have not had the best of starts to the season.  A 3-0 home defeat to Doncaster was followed by a 1-1 draw midweek as awesomely named Hungarian goalkeeper Dávid Gróf has already had to pick the ball out of the net 4 times this season.  Surely The Grambler will be accurate with this prediction?  Reliability balls: A whopping 9/10.

Odds on this result: 3/4

Game 4: Blackburn Rovers vs Leicester City
Prediction: Draw
I do believe that The Grambler may have a soft spot for the Rovers, that's two appearances out of a possible two!  Last week against Ipswich, a draw was also predicted and on that occasion, it was correct.  Huzzah!  Let's hope for more of the same!  This draw was followed by a 1-0 win at Hull with Colin Kazim-Richards (who for some reason I have always thought sounded more like a magician than a footballer) scoring in both games.  Leicester have had mixed fortunes in their opening games with a 2-0 win over Peterborough on day one cancelled out by a 2-1 loss at Charlton.  The Foxes have a strong squad and will be hoping for a good performance against the chicken-mongers of Ewood Park.  A draw could be a real possibility in this game.  Relaibility balls: 7/10

Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 5: Middlesbrough vs Crystal Palace
Prediction: Away Win
If not a Blackburn fan, The Grambler is definitely a Championship fan, with yet another prediction from the second tier of Engerlish footerball.  And this is the one that I'm least confident about this week.  Middlesbrough, along with having home advantage at the Riverside, have had a passable start the season.  A 1-0 loss at Barnsley was followed by a 3-2 victory over Burnley thanks to a late winner from Luke Williams, who was named after the dog from 1915 comedy-short 'Fatty's Faithful Fido'.  Palace on the other hand have started the season in craptacular fashion, with two losses in spite of scoring 3 times.  Maybe Dougie Freedman's side are due a good result?  Reliability balls: 4/10

Odds on this result: 7/2

Game 6: Wycombe Wanderers vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Draw
Down the leagues we go again with a trip to Adams Park.  Both teams in this tie have made an unremarkable start to the season.  Wycombe got the ball rolling with a 3-1 win over York but then got the ball, em, unrolling(?) against Gillingham with a 1-0 loss.  Rovers got off to an even worse start, losing to Chesterfield but picking up a point as they visited Barnet on Tuesday evening.  By my reckoning, Wycombe's home advantage will be cancelled out by Bristol having the presence of former Motherwell favourite, and nephew of Uncle Phil, David Clarkson up front.  So I reckon a draw and so does The Grambler.  Just one more to get right and we're onto a winner!  That is obviously assuming that the previous six are also going too be correct... Reliability balls: 6/10.

Odds on this result: 9/4

Game 7:  Acrington Stanley vs Exeter City
Prediction: Away Win
Sticking around in League 2 like (insert name of perennial League 2 player here for topical funnies), we have another potential spoiler.  Nominees for best football team name in England, Stanley have picked up a maximum of six points so far and more impressively not conceded a single goal.  Manager Paul Cook will hope to serve up more of the same (badum-tish!)  Meanwhile City, who have a mediocre name at best, were defeated by Eric Morecambe on day one but may have restored some confidence with a midweek 2-1 win at Aldershot.  Manager Paul Tisdale will be hoping that his side will be in paul position in this game (thankyouverymuchI'llbehereallweek!).  Much like (insert name of rumoured bi-sexual footballer here for funnies), this could go either way.  Reliability balls: 5/10.

Odds on this result: 2/1

So there you go!  Not a bad wee set of results at all.  A couple of potential spoilers amongst them but that only helps to bump up the odds and win more donations for the good ol' Bobby Moore Fund.  Also, noteworthy that there is not a single Scottish game this week, suggesting that The Grambler is potentially some kind of massive racist.

So what are our total odds for this week?  A grand total of....

1,995/1!!!

Woohoo!  We're all going to be rich on Sunday!  The latest game selected will be played at 17.20 GMT tomorrow evening.  Hopefully, the results shall be appearing on this webernet page following the conclusion of this match (between Watford and Birmingham).  If the scenario leaves us with 6 out of 7 correct at kick off time for this game, I shall actually be jobbying my pants. 

And I shall finish with that thought.



*Parts of this conversation may be a work of fiction.