This week, one rather peckish fellow has dominated the footballing headlines as Luis Suarez decided that it was a good idea to have a mid-game snack consisting of Branislav Ivanovic's forearm. Strangely, the FA felt that this feast did not quite adhere to the rules of the game and promptly whipped out a ten match ban for the Liverpool based cannibal. Absolutely everyone has had an opinion on this episode, including our glorious leader David Cameron who is worried about the example that Suarez's behaviour is setting for our children. It's almost as good an example as taking your offspring to the pub and then leaving them there, eh Davey?
Elsewhere, coupons across Europe were busted as every armchair fan's former favourites Barcelona and Real Madrid were soundly beaten by every armchair fan's new favourites Bayern Munich and Borrussia Dortmund respectively. The first leg results from the Champions League semi-final would suggest we may be looking forward to an all-German final at Wembley come May but the Spanish giants could have an element of bouncebackability in the return legs. Sadly for Dortmund, it looks like their team will be ripped apart by the richer vultures of European football over the summer meaning that they will be unable to build upon this season's success. Munich are unlikely to be disappointed by this seeing as they were first in on the act, with the capture of Dortmund's £30 million striker Mario Götze.
And in the Europa League... Who am I kidding, no one cares.
Two bets for you this week; the traditionally useless 5 game accumulator and the always so close but no cigar Premiership accumulator. I have ditched the goalscorer bet as it is flawed in so many ways. If anyone would like to suggest an alternative bet to take it's place, feel free. I was thinking of something along the lines of a £1 bet on what Neil Lennon will cry about this weekend...
Five game all-league accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
Everton vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9
Wolves vs Burnley - Home win - 5/4
Hibs vs St Mirren - Away win - 21/10
Shrewsbury vs Portsmouth - Home win - 6/4
Chelsea vs Swansea - Home win - 1/3
£1 @ 33/1
At first glance, that is not too ridiculous a bet. Two Premiership games in which The Grambler has selected the home sides and favourites to win. In both cases, they could be considered must win games with a Europa League place up for grabs for Everton and third place within Chelsea's grasp. In the Championship, Wolves are desperately trying to claw their way out of the relegation zone and this is their last home game of the campaign so again I get to use the very much overused phrase 'must win.' Portsmouth have had a good week by their standards, having emerged from administration, agreed a fan's takeover and appointed Guy Whittingham as boss. But Pompey are already relegated and with little to play for, along with Shrewsbury's recent good form, defeat may be likely. And in the SPL, two teams who have had mixed seasons meet at Easter Road. Home-side Hibs are due to play Celtic in the Scottish Cup final in May but find themselves 9th in the league. St Mirren won the League Cup in March but are second bottom of the SPL. Both teams evidently have moments of good play but can also be very poor so this game could go either way.
Three game Premiership accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
Newcastle vs Liverpool - Home win - 15/8
Man City vs West Ham - Home win - 1/4
Aston Villa vs Sunderland - Home win - 5/4
£1 @ 7/1
In what looks like a fix, it's all home wins in this week's Premiership bet. But home advantage is not everything, otherwise this betting lark would be a whole lot easier. Newcastle set a high standard last season, playing some decent football and surpassing everyone's expectations with a 5th place finish. However, Alan Pardew's side have struggled replicate their form this season and despite the odd good result, have been dragged into the relegation fight. Liverpool are another team who have failed to live up to expectations. Currently 7th in the league and now without suspended leading scorer and aforementioned bitey-person Luis Suarez, they may struggle to finish the campaign on a high note. Manchester City have just handed the Premiership trophy back to their rivals from across the City and the talk of which multi-million pound signings they will be making this pre-season has begun. Second place is pretty much safe for City but speculation surrounds the future of many players who will surely be keen to prove that they are worthy of another season at the club. West Ham have had a better season than many would have expected and are currently 10th having gone 5 games unbeaten. They also had a nice bonus recently after it was confirmed that the taxpayers of this country, allegedly a bit skint and in a double-dip recession, are buying them a new stadium. Which is nice of us all! Aston Villa and Sunderland square up in a relegation dogfight (why is it always dogs? Why not giraffes?), with the home side having suffered yet another poor season. At least they didn't do so with Alex McLeish at the helm this time though. Meanwhile, Sunderland fans have already forgotten that their new manager is a horrible fascist after he won a few games, including thrashing much-hated rivals Newcastle on their own patch. How fickle football fans can be! Should he keep up the good start, the Black Cats could well be safe come the end of the weekend.
An agreeable sum of £40 is on offer this week should The Grambler correctly predict all eight results. As always, any winnings shall go to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research. Should you wish to play along at home, press the red button now......
Showing posts with label Fulham. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fulham. Show all posts
Friday, 26 April 2013
Friday, 29 March 2013
Week 30: Happy Jesus' death day!
Glad to be back to good ol' league football after an international break which proved devastating for both the Grambler's bets and my faith in the Scotland national team. Wins for Holland and the mighty Uzbekistan on Tuesday gave us a grand total of two out of five correct predictions which the chairman has deemed 'not good enough.' The newspapers were full of talk of The Grambler's imminent sacking on Wednesday morning but after crunch talks with the board, he/she/it has been given a vote of confidence, but been warned that results must change before the end of the season. There will be a great deal of pressure on all staff at Grambler Park this week and some good predictions will be expected to alleviate shareholders and fans alike.
Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Swansea vs Tottenham - Draw - 2/5
Aberdeen vs Hearts - Home win - 7/5
Preston vs Portsmouth - Home win - 4/6
Ipswich vs Leeds - Home win - 23/20
Queen of the South vs Brechin - Home win - 4/11
50p @ 39/1
With Tottenham looking to seize 4th place from rivals Chelsea, a trip to Swansea may appear daunting. The League cup winners may be back in 9th place but their home form has been impressive this season. Swansea manager Michael Laudrup has warned Spurs that they could suffer from the 'FIFA virus'; an illness comparable to chlamydia whereby a one-night stand with international football leaves one unable to perform. Aberdeen have finally moved Granpaw Broon into a granny flat beside Pittodrie and appointed former St Johnstone boss Derek McInnes, breaking a club tradition of only stealing Motherwell managers. The Dons sit 9th in the SPL, although the fans still reckon that it's 1989 and they're challenging for the title. Hearts have already been through their annual managerial turmoil, replacing John McGlynn with Gary Locke who will inevitably be sacked at the end of the season anyway. Preston boss Simon Grayson has pretty much written off this season but claims that the foundations are in place for a promotion push next year. He has overseen just one win in six games since taking over. Portsmouth look likely to continue their unstoppable slide down the leagues with relegation to League Two this year. It's almost like spending beyond their means in the Premiership leading to financial instability and seasons of poor performances on the pitch was a bad idea. Who was manager then again? Oh yeah, 'Sir' Harry Redknapp... Since taking over as Ipswich gaffer earlier in the season, Mick McCarthy has taken his side from bottom to something resembling safety. However, the Tractorboys have the lowest number of goals for in the Championship. And the worst nickname. Neil Warnock has said that if Leeds fail to gain promotion to the Premiership this season, he will leave the club. Currently 10th, a play-off spot is not mathematically impossible but with 2 wins in the past 10 games, he'd best start packing his bags.
Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game - Result - Odds
Wigan vs Norwich - Home win - 10/11
Southampton vs Chelsea - Home win - 5/8
Everton vs Stoke - Draw - 11/4
50p @ 24/1
Wigan have reached that point in the season where they occasionally remember to win some games but they are still in the relegation zone. Roberto Martinez expects his team to attack and be aggressive in their fight for survival. Apparently Callum McManaman took this too literally... Norwich have had a good season, although with probably a few more draws than they would like. They have already started planning for next season by bolstering their attack with a club-record signing of the man with the greatest name in world football; Ricky van Wolfswinkel! Just months ago, Southampton looked like they were already doomed. But the appointment of Mauricio Pochettino may prove to be a shrewd one with the Saints joint on points with Sunderland in 15th. Pochettino's only 2 wins have come against Manchester City and Liverpool, so Chelsea might not seem so daunting to him. The Blues have moved past Spurs to 3rd in the Premiership and Rafa Benitez will be looking to hold onto this position, lest the Chelsea fans somehow turn against him even more. The reverse fixture ended in a 2-2 draw back in January, and this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for Nigel Adkins. Everton will once again be aiming to finish ahead of their noisy neighbours this season and so far lead the way with a 3 point advantage as well as a game in hand. They were surprise victors against Manchester City prior to the international break and will hope that this form will not have been disturbed by the interval. Stoke look set to end the season with their usual mid-table finish having gained no new fans as a result of their style of football. But on a positive note, they will no longer be lumbered with the waste of space, self publicising, deluded, former footballer Michael Owen.
Three goalscorer accumulator
Scorer - Match - Odds
Michu - Swansea vs Tottenham - 8/5
Dimitar Berbatov - Fulham vs QPR - 10/11
Edin Dzeko - Manchester City vs Newcastle - 20/21
50p @ 9/1
Michu will undoubtedly go down as the find of the season having cost Michael Laudrup just £2 million and going on to score 15 league goals already this season. Spurs kept a clean-sheet against Swansea back in December and will be aiming to keep Michu quiet once again. Berbatov has been a pleasure to watch in the Premiership for the past 7 seasons with some memorable goals. He is Fulham's top scorer this season with 11 but was not on the scoresheet when QPR defeated Fulham 2-1 earlier in the season. Dzeko is perhaps the one of the most under-appreciated players at Manchester City with rumours constantly abound that the Bosnian striker will be sold off at the end of the season. With 12 league goals this season, he is City's top scorer. However, Roberto Mancini may not start with the striker following his international involvement during the week.
And that's yer lot! Three relatively plausible bets to follow this weekend which could bring in a massive £36 for the Bobby Moore Fund. And as always, remember; if you are Grambling under the age of 12, make sure you do so with the help of a responsible adult.
Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Swansea vs Tottenham - Draw - 2/5
Aberdeen vs Hearts - Home win - 7/5
Preston vs Portsmouth - Home win - 4/6
Ipswich vs Leeds - Home win - 23/20
Queen of the South vs Brechin - Home win - 4/11
50p @ 39/1
With Tottenham looking to seize 4th place from rivals Chelsea, a trip to Swansea may appear daunting. The League cup winners may be back in 9th place but their home form has been impressive this season. Swansea manager Michael Laudrup has warned Spurs that they could suffer from the 'FIFA virus'; an illness comparable to chlamydia whereby a one-night stand with international football leaves one unable to perform. Aberdeen have finally moved Granpaw Broon into a granny flat beside Pittodrie and appointed former St Johnstone boss Derek McInnes, breaking a club tradition of only stealing Motherwell managers. The Dons sit 9th in the SPL, although the fans still reckon that it's 1989 and they're challenging for the title. Hearts have already been through their annual managerial turmoil, replacing John McGlynn with Gary Locke who will inevitably be sacked at the end of the season anyway. Preston boss Simon Grayson has pretty much written off this season but claims that the foundations are in place for a promotion push next year. He has overseen just one win in six games since taking over. Portsmouth look likely to continue their unstoppable slide down the leagues with relegation to League Two this year. It's almost like spending beyond their means in the Premiership leading to financial instability and seasons of poor performances on the pitch was a bad idea. Who was manager then again? Oh yeah, 'Sir' Harry Redknapp... Since taking over as Ipswich gaffer earlier in the season, Mick McCarthy has taken his side from bottom to something resembling safety. However, the Tractorboys have the lowest number of goals for in the Championship. And the worst nickname. Neil Warnock has said that if Leeds fail to gain promotion to the Premiership this season, he will leave the club. Currently 10th, a play-off spot is not mathematically impossible but with 2 wins in the past 10 games, he'd best start packing his bags.
Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game - Result - Odds
Wigan vs Norwich - Home win - 10/11
Southampton vs Chelsea - Home win - 5/8
Everton vs Stoke - Draw - 11/4
50p @ 24/1
Wigan have reached that point in the season where they occasionally remember to win some games but they are still in the relegation zone. Roberto Martinez expects his team to attack and be aggressive in their fight for survival. Apparently Callum McManaman took this too literally... Norwich have had a good season, although with probably a few more draws than they would like. They have already started planning for next season by bolstering their attack with a club-record signing of the man with the greatest name in world football; Ricky van Wolfswinkel! Just months ago, Southampton looked like they were already doomed. But the appointment of Mauricio Pochettino may prove to be a shrewd one with the Saints joint on points with Sunderland in 15th. Pochettino's only 2 wins have come against Manchester City and Liverpool, so Chelsea might not seem so daunting to him. The Blues have moved past Spurs to 3rd in the Premiership and Rafa Benitez will be looking to hold onto this position, lest the Chelsea fans somehow turn against him even more. The reverse fixture ended in a 2-2 draw back in January, and this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for Nigel Adkins. Everton will once again be aiming to finish ahead of their noisy neighbours this season and so far lead the way with a 3 point advantage as well as a game in hand. They were surprise victors against Manchester City prior to the international break and will hope that this form will not have been disturbed by the interval. Stoke look set to end the season with their usual mid-table finish having gained no new fans as a result of their style of football. But on a positive note, they will no longer be lumbered with the waste of space, self publicising, deluded, former footballer Michael Owen.
Three goalscorer accumulator
Scorer - Match - Odds
Michu - Swansea vs Tottenham - 8/5
Dimitar Berbatov - Fulham vs QPR - 10/11
Edin Dzeko - Manchester City vs Newcastle - 20/21
50p @ 9/1
Michu will undoubtedly go down as the find of the season having cost Michael Laudrup just £2 million and going on to score 15 league goals already this season. Spurs kept a clean-sheet against Swansea back in December and will be aiming to keep Michu quiet once again. Berbatov has been a pleasure to watch in the Premiership for the past 7 seasons with some memorable goals. He is Fulham's top scorer this season with 11 but was not on the scoresheet when QPR defeated Fulham 2-1 earlier in the season. Dzeko is perhaps the one of the most under-appreciated players at Manchester City with rumours constantly abound that the Bosnian striker will be sold off at the end of the season. With 12 league goals this season, he is City's top scorer. However, Roberto Mancini may not start with the striker following his international involvement during the week.
And that's yer lot! Three relatively plausible bets to follow this weekend which could bring in a massive £36 for the Bobby Moore Fund. And as always, remember; if you are Grambling under the age of 12, make sure you do so with the help of a responsible adult.
Thursday, 14 March 2013
Week 28: All hail Pope Franny Jeffers the First!
Ah, the excitement of Grambling! Or it is slightly more exciting anyway, thanks to the New! Improved flavour! Grambler. Last weekend saw us reach half past 5 in the afternoon with two bets still in with a chance of winning... That,s right, TWO BETS!!! And in a somewhat strange twist of events... One of them actually won! Granted, it was only £4.50 (damn you Edin Dzeko, you were supposed to score!) but every little helps as we attempt to bring down the bastarding super-villain better known as El Cancero. With that win, The Grambler (with help from The Grasmblerzhgi) has raised £88.53 for the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research. Hooray!
It makes sense to stick the format which brought mild success last week so we have a further three bets to enjoy this weekend. If you don't want to know the full-time scores, look away now:
Game - Result - Odds
Celtic vs Aberdeen - Home win - 1/4
Annan vs Clyde - Home win - 4/5
Coventry vs Hartlepool - Home win - 8/11
MK Dons vs Tranmere - Draw - 9/4
Forfar vs Stenhousemuir - Away win - 23/10
50p @ 41/1
"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes..." So sang William Hague, or some other person; I'm not really sure. Such is the excitement of this week's opening bet. Can ya feel it!? No? Ok , it is slightly dull and for some reason, Coventry keep appearing - perhaps taking all of their turns whilst the club still exists? There is a potential slip-up for SPL leaders Celtic as Aberdeen travel South... Annan vs Clyde sounds more like a case being dragged through the civil law courts... Tranmere will still be hopeful of topping League One and a win in Milton Keynes could move them to second spot... And Stenhousemuir are just not going to beat Forfar but will enjoy the trip and have the chance to stop for some bridies on the way home.
Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game - Result - Odds
Tottenham vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9
Aston Villa vs QPR - Draw - 12/5
Man Utd vs Reading - Home win - 1/7
£1 @ 4.6/1
In this weekend's actually interesting bet, the odds are low but the chances of winning are (hopefully) high. We start at White Hart Lane where Spurs take on Fulham. Spurs are one of the top teams on form in the Premiership right now but a loss to Liverpool last weekend prevented them from cementing their stranglehold on third place. Speaking of form, Aston Villa are a bit crap. The gamble of bringing in Paul Lambert as manager has not quite paid off, but the fans don't mind because he's not Alex McLeish. Speaking of managers, QPR's Harry Redknapp... Actually, I'm not going to bother. In other QPR news, on-loan Spurs winger Andros Townsend this week admitted that he's not Gareth Bale, ending month's of speculation. And a formality to round things off as champions-elect Man Utd take on managerless relegation-fodder Reading. And according to one journalist, Brian McDermott got the sack because owner Anton Zingarevic didn't find him sexy enough. Paulo di Canio seems to have emerged as a frontrunner for the vacancy; a folk- hero loved by the people for his crazy antics. Like being a horrible, violent, self-professed fascist. Ah crazy Paulo, what will he do next?
Bet 3: Three goalscorer 'anytime' accumulator
Scorer - Game - Odds
Wayne Rooney - Man Utd vs Reading - 1/2
Santi Cazorla - Swansea vs Arsenal - 9/4
Shane Long - Stoke vs West Brom - 9/4
50p @ 15/1
This week's 'anytime goalscorer' bet kicks off with a man who has been in the news a lot recently. Sir Alex Ferguson this week assured the fans that Wayne Rooney would not be sold at the end of the season, which in Sir's terms generally means he's going to sell him at the end of the season. Rooney is getting slower, fatter, balder and uglier (wasn't that a Daft Punk song?), but PSG have been linked with a big-money move for the man who can still score plenty of goals. Santi Cazorla has been one of the brighter points of Arsenal's season as they have crashed out of competition after competition. Following their narrow failure to survive in the Champions League this week, Arsene Wenger will be expecting a positive reaction. Can Cazorla assist with a goal? All signs point to maybe... And finally, Shane Long has already provided West Brom with a respectable six goals this season. But unfortunately for him, the only reason anyone remembers his name is because he has partenered Simon Cox for club and country. Making a strike duo of Long - Cox. Fnar fnar!
A humongous total of £50 is up for grabs this week as The Grambler promises all of the excitement of an episode of Fun House, but without the fun house. Or the mullet. Or the go-karts. Or the twins. Or the chance to win a fleece. There is actually very little by way of comparison now that I think about it...
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Week 25: Scratch and sniff edition!
It has been an eventful week in the world of football, which in spite of it's name is not actually a planet but a metaphoric term used to encompass all of the happenings in football town (similarly, not a real town). FIFA has announced that goal-line technology shall be in place at the next World Cup, which is obviously hugely important because Frank Lampard once scored a disallowed goal at a tournament in a game which was soundly lost anyway, didn't you know? It's not like the media mention it often or anything...
Meanwhile in the Champions League, Arsenal were outclassed by Bayern Munich, much to the surprise of ITV's football 'expert' Andy Townsend, who failed to realise that the Bundesliga leaders and last year's Champions League runner-up might actually be a bit good and didn't know that they might stand a chance against an Arsenal side who have failed to do anything of note since 2006... How do these people get a job in punditry?
And finally, the news that everyone has been talking about as the messiah returned home. Yes, that's right... James MacFadden has re-signed for Motherwell. After speculation across the globe, the Chosen One agreed one agreed to play in the sacred claret and amber until the end of the season, football fans from far and wide expressed their joy. Potential Bolivian presidential candidate for 2014 Garcia Linera said "I'm buzzin' to see Faddy back at the Well. He's pure magic!"
If you continue to read below, you will notice that there are predictions for this weekend. It may have been said before, but I am full of confidence that this week will be the one. I think that you should put all of your personal savings on this coupon as it is 100% guaranteed to be correct*. We have 66 games for The Grambler to Gramble on this weekend, including the season's first major cup final as Swansea take on underdogs Bradford at Wembley for the Capital One Cup. Also, can I smell a bonus Both Teams to Score bet? Possibly. read on, my good man (or lady (or ladyman)).
I'm running late again this week for various reasons so no time for the usual award-winning analysis. I'm sure that you will be glad of this development.
*Please note: This guarantee is void and I do not recommend putting any more than a £1 stake on this bet (and even that is not highly recommended) as it will definitely be wrong. Refunds are not available.
Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Burnley
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10
Game 2: Fulham vs Stoke City
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10
Game 3: Montrose vs Annan Athletic
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 10/11
Game 4: Reading vs Wigan Athletic
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5
Game 5: Sheffield Wednesday vs Crystal Palace
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5
Total odds on this week's bet are 96/1! Yipeetastic!
And as promised, have a Mega Fantastic Extra Value Bonus Bet!:
Game - Both Teams to Score? - Odds
Cowdenbeath vs Raith Rovers - Yes - 8/13
Celtic vs Dundee - Yes - 13/8
Shrewsbury vs Stevenage - No - 5/6
Peterhead vs Queens Park - Yes - 8/11
Blackburn Rovers vs Leeds United - No - Evens
Total odds for the Grambler Super Exciting Mega Bonus Bet! are 26/1! Fantabulous!
Happy Grambling!
Meanwhile in the Champions League, Arsenal were outclassed by Bayern Munich, much to the surprise of ITV's football 'expert' Andy Townsend, who failed to realise that the Bundesliga leaders and last year's Champions League runner-up might actually be a bit good and didn't know that they might stand a chance against an Arsenal side who have failed to do anything of note since 2006... How do these people get a job in punditry?
And finally, the news that everyone has been talking about as the messiah returned home. Yes, that's right... James MacFadden has re-signed for Motherwell. After speculation across the globe, the Chosen One agreed one agreed to play in the sacred claret and amber until the end of the season, football fans from far and wide expressed their joy. Potential Bolivian presidential candidate for 2014 Garcia Linera said "I'm buzzin' to see Faddy back at the Well. He's pure magic!"
If you continue to read below, you will notice that there are predictions for this weekend. It may have been said before, but I am full of confidence that this week will be the one. I think that you should put all of your personal savings on this coupon as it is 100% guaranteed to be correct*. We have 66 games for The Grambler to Gramble on this weekend, including the season's first major cup final as Swansea take on underdogs Bradford at Wembley for the Capital One Cup. Also, can I smell a bonus Both Teams to Score bet? Possibly. read on, my good man (or lady (or ladyman)).
I'm running late again this week for various reasons so no time for the usual award-winning analysis. I'm sure that you will be glad of this development.
*Please note: This guarantee is void and I do not recommend putting any more than a £1 stake on this bet (and even that is not highly recommended) as it will definitely be wrong. Refunds are not available.
Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Burnley
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10
Game 2: Fulham vs Stoke City
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10
Game 3: Montrose vs Annan Athletic
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 10/11
Game 4: Reading vs Wigan Athletic
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5
Game 5: Sheffield Wednesday vs Crystal Palace
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5
Total odds on this week's bet are 96/1! Yipeetastic!
And as promised, have a Mega Fantastic Extra Value Bonus Bet!:
Game - Both Teams to Score? - Odds
Cowdenbeath vs Raith Rovers - Yes - 8/13
Celtic vs Dundee - Yes - 13/8
Shrewsbury vs Stevenage - No - 5/6
Peterhead vs Queens Park - Yes - 8/11
Blackburn Rovers vs Leeds United - No - Evens
Total odds for the Grambler Super Exciting Mega Bonus Bet! are 26/1! Fantabulous!
Happy Grambling!
Saturday, 29 December 2012
Week 20: Following in the footsteps of Orwell.
Some projects can result in life changing experiences with devoted workers often given the opportunity to travel the world in search of essential information and fresh research to make said project a success. The Grambler can now count itself as one of these endeavours. Having previously been written from such majestic locations as 'my flat' and 'the Starbucks down the road', this edition is brought to you live from... the hospital!
Not just any hospital though (warning: history lesson due to commence) for it was this very hospital to which a Mr Eric Arthur Blair was admitted for treatment for tuberculosis back in 1947. Blair was better known by his drag-queen stage-name name Big Barbara McBoobs but others may know him by his pen-name; George Orwell. Orwell was already a well known novelist and satirist sadly nearing the end of his days as he arrived in said hospital. He had made a name for himself with writings and essays based on his own experiences policing in Burma, living rough in Paris and Britain, fighting the war on fascism in Spain and encountering a farm run by a Stalinist pig. But in the year 1947 in this very hospital, Orwell started work on his most famous and influential novel. Based in a Dystopian future where governments had complete control over the population's every waking move and policed their thoughts, this book would go on to be used as a warning against officials gaining too much power the world over. Orwell titled it 'Crazy Winston and the Great Mystery of Them People What Can Read Minds and Do Other Bad Stuff: With A Vengeance' but the publishers changed it to 1984. So there you go, this blog is being written in the very same spot as one of the greatest pieces of literature of all time! And by very same spot, I obviously mean that it was two miles down the road and demolished over 50 years ago, but let's not let facts get in the way of interesting nonsense. Besides, I'm sure ol' George would have been ecstatic about the overpriced, PFI funded, already crumbling hospital full of failing equipment which has taken it's name.
And with that piece of satire which Mr Orwell would have been proud of, how's about some predictions?
Game 1: Fulham vs Swansea
Prediction: Home win
Martin Jol's Fulham side were somewhat impressive last season as they finished the season comfortably in 9th place. However, they have been hot and cold this season and currently languish in 14th. A Boxing Day draw with Premiership strugglers Southampton angered Jol but he should perhaps have less offended by the result and more offended by striker Dimitar Berbatov. The Bulgarian striker has been one of the most likeable strikers in the top flight for the past decade. Often appearing lazy and always cocky with a 'couldn't care less' attitude and insane amount of skill, Berbatov has been a joy to watch. However, he had to tarnish his image by celebrating with a 'keep calm and pass me the ball' T-shirt; a variation of the choice slogan of the brain dead, one which adorns every other item in Poundland... Why Dimitar? Swansea have enjoyed a good first-half of the season under Michael Laudrup and currently sit 9th in the table. They failed to impress in their midweek game however, running out a goalless draw with relegation-fodder Reading at home. Unfortunately for the Swans, top-scorer and bargain of the season Michu has been ruled out for this match, denting their chances of a win. Laudrup will hope that Danny Graham can find his form from last season to provide the goals. And also that crazed Ashley Williams doesn't go on another killing spree.
Odds: 11/10
Game 2: Morton vs Dunfermline
Prediction: Away win
The pick of the games from the First Division schedule today sees 2nd take on 3rd as both sides aim to remove Patrick Thistle from pole position. There are now only two points separating the top three sides in the division as we head into the second-half of the season. Morton fans will have been delighted by their sides recent form as they are now undefeated since the 10th of November. On Wednesday they managed to pull of what seemed like the impossible by defeating Thistle at Firhill, thus ending the leader's impressive 100℅ home record. Morton fans will be less delighted to realise that they live in Greenock. Dunfermline had been impressive in the early stages of the season but have not won a single league game this month. They were unfortunate to fall to defeat at home to Falkirk on Boxing Day, losing to a 90th minute Bairns goal. Pars gaffer Jim Jeffries has described this tie as a 'massive' match in the race for the title, no doubt with his usual enthusiasm that makes him sound like he is about to throw himself in front of a moving freight train.
Odds:6/4
Game 3: Sunderland vs Tottenham
Prediction: Home win
Sunderland have, for the most part, been unimpressive this season. In the early stages of the campaign they became known as draw specialists prone to throwing away leads whilst manager Martin O'Neill became one of the bookies favourites for the sack. But the Black Cats gifted their fans with a seasonal stocking filler in the form of a 1-0 win over current champions Manchester City thanks to a goal from Adam Johnson. The Wearside team have now won three of their last four league games, having kept a clean-sheet in each victory, and will be hoping to continue this resurgence. Spurs fans seem to slowly coming to terms with manager Andres Vilas-Boas' methods. The boss was booed by sections of the Spurs support after a sloppy start to the season but with his side now eyeing up third-spot in the league the boos have changed to sighs at the Portuguese's rugged features. Tottenham recorded their biggest victory of the season against current Premiership whipping boys Aston Villa on Boxing Day, inspired by hat-trick from simian-lookalike cheat Gareth Bale (nope, I've still not forgiven him for that dive against Scotland). Spurs have not allowed their defender Danny Rose, currently on-loan at Sunderland, to turn out against them today resulting in Rose reportedly telling his dad on them.
Odds: 11/4
Game 4: Brighton vs Watford
Prediction: Home win
Brighton are currently placed a respectable 10th in the Championship but lead the way in two unwanted areas in the league; they have drawn more games than any other side in the division this year, with 10 draw in 23 attempts, and they have failed to score in more home games than other side. They have yet to record a win in December, although last week's match against the Comedic Imploding Chicken Factory XI was postponed due to a waterlogged pitch. The Seagulls have made several sacrifices in the name of Aztec rain God Tlalec this week to ensure that the Falmer Stadium is fit for some footballing action today. Brighton welcome back midfielder Gary Dicker from injury... Nope, can't think of any jokes about his name. Watford have shown their intent to return to the Premiership following a takeover fromThe Mafia the Pozzo family and find themselves 6th and challenging for a playoff place. The Hornets have won twice and drawn once in their last four but like their opponents, their last match was a washout. Unlike their opponents, manager Gianfranco Zola performed ceremonies to the Inuit rain God Asiaq. One of them has to have picked the right deity. Whatever the outcome of today's game, don't expect Watford to park the bus. It's something that they have trouble with.
Odds: 1/1
Game 5: Aldershot vs Torquay
Prediction: Home win
Damn you Torquay, where were you last week when I needed a turkey pun? It's useless showing up now, at least 350 days before anyone is likely to even contemplate eating turkey! You deserve to lose for crap timing alone. Not that it matters anyway as this game is this week's Game What Has Been Called Off Because Of The Bloody Typical British Weather Of The Week.
Odds: 8/5
Them are some swell predictions! And should they all be correct, £102 shall be added to the Bobby Moore Fund fund. Worth mentioning that the reason for my hospitalisation is linked to the marauding bastard that is bowel cancer, so here's a thought seeing as it's the season of goodwill and giving... You know that lovely wee granny of yours who gave you £20 for Christmas? Show her how kind you can be by nicking her purse and giving the contents to the Bobby Moore Fund.
Have a good New Year all, we shall return for some more Grambling in 2013!
And with that piece of satire which Mr Orwell would have been proud of, how's about some predictions?
Game 1: Fulham vs Swansea
Prediction: Home win
Martin Jol's Fulham side were somewhat impressive last season as they finished the season comfortably in 9th place. However, they have been hot and cold this season and currently languish in 14th. A Boxing Day draw with Premiership strugglers Southampton angered Jol but he should perhaps have less offended by the result and more offended by striker Dimitar Berbatov. The Bulgarian striker has been one of the most likeable strikers in the top flight for the past decade. Often appearing lazy and always cocky with a 'couldn't care less' attitude and insane amount of skill, Berbatov has been a joy to watch. However, he had to tarnish his image by celebrating with a 'keep calm and pass me the ball' T-shirt; a variation of the choice slogan of the brain dead, one which adorns every other item in Poundland... Why Dimitar? Swansea have enjoyed a good first-half of the season under Michael Laudrup and currently sit 9th in the table. They failed to impress in their midweek game however, running out a goalless draw with relegation-fodder Reading at home. Unfortunately for the Swans, top-scorer and bargain of the season Michu has been ruled out for this match, denting their chances of a win. Laudrup will hope that Danny Graham can find his form from last season to provide the goals. And also that crazed Ashley Williams doesn't go on another killing spree.
Odds: 11/10
Game 2: Morton vs Dunfermline
Prediction: Away win
The pick of the games from the First Division schedule today sees 2nd take on 3rd as both sides aim to remove Patrick Thistle from pole position. There are now only two points separating the top three sides in the division as we head into the second-half of the season. Morton fans will have been delighted by their sides recent form as they are now undefeated since the 10th of November. On Wednesday they managed to pull of what seemed like the impossible by defeating Thistle at Firhill, thus ending the leader's impressive 100℅ home record. Morton fans will be less delighted to realise that they live in Greenock. Dunfermline had been impressive in the early stages of the season but have not won a single league game this month. They were unfortunate to fall to defeat at home to Falkirk on Boxing Day, losing to a 90th minute Bairns goal. Pars gaffer Jim Jeffries has described this tie as a 'massive' match in the race for the title, no doubt with his usual enthusiasm that makes him sound like he is about to throw himself in front of a moving freight train.
Odds:6/4
Game 3: Sunderland vs Tottenham
Prediction: Home win
Sunderland have, for the most part, been unimpressive this season. In the early stages of the campaign they became known as draw specialists prone to throwing away leads whilst manager Martin O'Neill became one of the bookies favourites for the sack. But the Black Cats gifted their fans with a seasonal stocking filler in the form of a 1-0 win over current champions Manchester City thanks to a goal from Adam Johnson. The Wearside team have now won three of their last four league games, having kept a clean-sheet in each victory, and will be hoping to continue this resurgence. Spurs fans seem to slowly coming to terms with manager Andres Vilas-Boas' methods. The boss was booed by sections of the Spurs support after a sloppy start to the season but with his side now eyeing up third-spot in the league the boos have changed to sighs at the Portuguese's rugged features. Tottenham recorded their biggest victory of the season against current Premiership whipping boys Aston Villa on Boxing Day, inspired by hat-trick from simian-lookalike cheat Gareth Bale (nope, I've still not forgiven him for that dive against Scotland). Spurs have not allowed their defender Danny Rose, currently on-loan at Sunderland, to turn out against them today resulting in Rose reportedly telling his dad on them.
Odds: 11/4
Game 4: Brighton vs Watford
Prediction: Home win
Brighton are currently placed a respectable 10th in the Championship but lead the way in two unwanted areas in the league; they have drawn more games than any other side in the division this year, with 10 draw in 23 attempts, and they have failed to score in more home games than other side. They have yet to record a win in December, although last week's match against the Comedic Imploding Chicken Factory XI was postponed due to a waterlogged pitch. The Seagulls have made several sacrifices in the name of Aztec rain God Tlalec this week to ensure that the Falmer Stadium is fit for some footballing action today. Brighton welcome back midfielder Gary Dicker from injury... Nope, can't think of any jokes about his name. Watford have shown their intent to return to the Premiership following a takeover from
Odds: 1/1
Game 5: Aldershot vs Torquay
Prediction: Home win
Damn you Torquay, where were you last week when I needed a turkey pun? It's useless showing up now, at least 350 days before anyone is likely to even contemplate eating turkey! You deserve to lose for crap timing alone. Not that it matters anyway as this game is this week's Game What Has Been Called Off Because Of The Bloody Typical British Weather Of The Week.
Odds: 8/5
Them are some swell predictions! And should they all be correct, £102 shall be added to the Bobby Moore Fund fund. Worth mentioning that the reason for my hospitalisation is linked to the marauding bastard that is bowel cancer, so here's a thought seeing as it's the season of goodwill and giving... You know that lovely wee granny of yours who gave you £20 for Christmas? Show her how kind you can be by nicking her purse and giving the contents to the Bobby Moore Fund.
Have a good New Year all, we shall return for some more Grambling in 2013!
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Week 12 results: The Grambler Dot Com
There is some Grambler news to get out of the way first... I might have kind of maybe accidentally purchased the domain name www.thegrambler.com. But only because this is such a serious operation and needs to look as profechenal as posabil. And also, at the current rate at which Hollywood producer types are currently churning out any old crap with a superhero in it for many millions of dollars, it's only so long before some super-human chump is called 'the Grambler.' And when that happens, I own their website and will only surrender it for $4 million and a cameo as Lieutenant Von Grombler, an evil, bitter and twisted relative of the eponymous hero.
Secondly, there is now some kind of navigation bar at the top of the page. It is, in fact, a bar which can be used for the purpose of navigation. For example, should you wish to view the home page, simply click on the page labelled 'home.' What an age we live in! Feel free to offer any suggestions of how this wonderful site can be further improved. Alternatively, don't.
And I wasn't paying much attention, but their may have been some football on over the weekend.
Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Ah, the magic of the FA Cup! The tournament where any team from any division can go on to be champions! The cup where smaller teams can showcase their talents! Or so it is always claimed, the actuality is the Premiership teams fielding their 'youngsters' (still a team assembled expensively by kidnapping 14-year-olds in their sleep), bottom-half League One teams 'resting' their 'star' players, stadiums being half-empty and generally no one actually caring until the semi-finals. Which brings us to Morecambe vs Rochdale; two teams who had met in the league just weeks before playing out a mediocre score draw in front of 1,800 fans. Inspiring! Andy Flemming put the home-side in front early on with a 20 yard shot but for most of the match, Rochdale looked like the hungrier side. Shrimps goalkeeper Barry Roche was in fine-form, denying the Dale on numerous occasions before Jason Kennedy finally got the better of him, turning in a rebound to earn a replay, meaning the fans will have to shell out another £20 a head to witness the 'magic' of the cup. But fear ye not, devoted Shrimpdale fans! The excitement of a trip to Coventry awaits in the next round! Magic!
Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Saturday saw Dougie Freedman appear in the Bolton dugout for the first time, and he made it known beforehand that tactics would be changing under him: "El quezo estaba viejo y mohoso. Donde esta el bano?" said Freedman. Actually, that was Brendan Fraser in California Man... Freedman has actually said that promotion is still achievable for his new side this term, and a 2-1 win over league leaders Cardiff was a good start for the Dougster. But it was theBlueRedbirds who looked the better team in the first half. A Peter Whittingham cross caused confusion in the Bolton box on 40 minutes and allowed the visitors to take the lead. Following some comical defending from Zat Knight (who I genuinely believe permanently has Julius Fučík's 'Entrance of the Gladiators' constantly playing in his head) the ball fell nicely for Craig Noone to fire past Adam Bogdan. It was two substitutions in the second-half which turned the game around. David Ngog only played 25 minutes, but it was rather eventful. In the 68th minute, Ngog fell over in the box and the referee pointed to the spot. Fellow substitute Martin Petrov stepped up to score the penalty. Ngog then put his side in front with a flick from six yards. And to round of an eventful afternoon, he picked up two yellow cards in seven minutes to earn a hypothetical early bath.
Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw ( x )
I have a theory about Hibernian's Leigh Griffiths; should his hairline ever stop receding, he will stop scoring. He's like some kind of anti-Samson... The better form he is in, the more his hairline diminishes. And his fringe moved further from his forehead on Saturday as he notched two against St Mirren. It was the visitors who had taken the lead when a long drive from Kenny McLean found it's way past Hibs keeper Ben Williams, a man who has put his jail sentence for manslaughter behind him to take the number one jersey. The lead was only to last five minutes however, a cross found the noggin of James McPake who headed downwards for Griffiths to score his tenth of the season. Hibs took control of the match in the second half and found themselves in front when Griffiths scored a second, this time with a fine 20 yard shot. The striker could have increased the lead further, hitting the post twice during the match. But the one goal lead was enough to take all three points and there was still time for Saints captain Jim Goodwin to get a second booking for doing what he does best - elbowing someone in the face. And finally, no mention of Leigh Griffiths is complete without linking to the Real Lee Griffiths Blog, one of the finest moments in the history of the internet.
Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Much of the build-up to this game was dominated by the revelation that Roberto Mancini came close to leaving City last season to join a mid 1990s Peter Hook side-project. It was old news and Rubbertoe insisted that the revelation would not disrupt he build-up to this match. But by kick-off, the City players were aware that a win would take them joint top of the table, and it would appear that the pressure got to them as they struggled to a 0-0 draw. West Ham had the better chances during the game, with a Kevin Nolan volley incorrectly ruled out for offside and a Yossi Benayoun shot striking the bar. City did manage eight shots on target, but couldn't find the net and Mancini responded to his side's inability to score in one match in a way that only a Manchester City manger can - by demanding that the club's owners spend £50 million on Neymar post haste. To give the Hammers their due, they proved to be as tough as nails to hold on for the point. Maybe they can build on this result and construct a fine season. It would seem that they have the right tools for the challenge. Sam Allardyce will hope that they don't screw up. Etc.
Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Fulham pinched a point in the last minute of a game which was dominated by Everton. A mistake from Timothy Howard put the home team in front as the keeper pushed a free-kick onto the post only to watch on as it bounced back into the net. The score stayed that way until the half-time in spite of the Toffees having a host of chances to equalise. Into the second-half and Everton finally found the net, Marouane Fellaini scoring from eight yards after good work from fellow Belgian Kevin Mirallas. Fellaini grabbed a second in the 72nd minute with a low shot but the despite the visitor's dominance, they could not hold on for the win. Substitute Steve Sidwell tapped in at the back post in the final minute of the game to earn a draw. Interesting fact of the day: Fellaini's old man was a goalkeeper and signed for Belgian club Mechelen. However, his former club had a strop about the signing and wouldn't let him play so he just became a bus driver instead. As you do. Terrible joke of the day: Why won't Martin Jol buy the 115g packet of Finest Wafer Thin Wiltshire Cured Pig Meat from Tesco? Because he wants the full ham!
Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
More FA Cup 'magic!' This tie at least presented a 'glamorous' opponent for non-league Park Avenue and there was a chance for them to indulge in a spot of giant-killing. Alas, it was not to be as Doncaster had the game all but wrapped up by half-time. Martin Woods turned in an Ian Hume cross from the edge of the penalty area to put his side in front. In the 37th minute, Hume turned from provider to scorer when he side-footed in from Billy Paynter's cross. Bradford started the second-half brightly and managed to pull a goal back when Richard Marshall found the top=corner from a tight angle. But any chance of a comeback was put to bed in the 76th minute when Paul Keegan's cross surprisingly found R&B singer and wife-beater Chris Brown who headed in. Whilst the result may have been expected, Bradford PA attempted to give their fellow Yorkshiremen a run for their money and managed to keep the score respectable. Everyone returned to their farms happily and ate Yorkshire pudding with gravy whilst discussing their whippets and saying 'ey oop lad' a lot. Apart from Chris Brown, who went home to a crate of Stella.
Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Another 'glamour tie' between two sides in the same division which ended with an insipid draw. Both sides had chances to take the lead in the first half but there was no goal forthcoming until the 62nd minute, when York substitute Jamie Reed finished off a Jason Walker move. With the Minstermen looking to hold on for a win, a free-kick was presented to the Dons in the 80th minute and a deflection from Charlie Strutton's shot beat City keeper Michael Ingham to earn a replay. The only real talking point to come out of this game is that a victory for Wimbledon in the return leg will see them facing MK Dons in the next round, should the other Dons also win their replay. This would be the first time that the sides have met since an acrimonious split of fans when the original Krazy Gang relocated to Milton Keynes. I like to imagine that this resulted in two groups of casuals made up entirely of Wombles, who will be set to rumble on Wimbledon Common prior to a potential tie. They would finally get to make good use of all of those sharp and pointy objects that everyday people left behind....
Sometimes it is hard to draw positives from The Grambler's poor predictions. But as the old saying goes, "if life gives you lemons, eat some lemons." Here are some positives from this week:
Secondly, there is now some kind of navigation bar at the top of the page. It is, in fact, a bar which can be used for the purpose of navigation. For example, should you wish to view the home page, simply click on the page labelled 'home.' What an age we live in! Feel free to offer any suggestions of how this wonderful site can be further improved. Alternatively, don't.
And I wasn't paying much attention, but their may have been some football on over the weekend.
Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Ah, the magic of the FA Cup! The tournament where any team from any division can go on to be champions! The cup where smaller teams can showcase their talents! Or so it is always claimed, the actuality is the Premiership teams fielding their 'youngsters' (still a team assembled expensively by kidnapping 14-year-olds in their sleep), bottom-half League One teams 'resting' their 'star' players, stadiums being half-empty and generally no one actually caring until the semi-finals. Which brings us to Morecambe vs Rochdale; two teams who had met in the league just weeks before playing out a mediocre score draw in front of 1,800 fans. Inspiring! Andy Flemming put the home-side in front early on with a 20 yard shot but for most of the match, Rochdale looked like the hungrier side. Shrimps goalkeeper Barry Roche was in fine-form, denying the Dale on numerous occasions before Jason Kennedy finally got the better of him, turning in a rebound to earn a replay, meaning the fans will have to shell out another £20 a head to witness the 'magic' of the cup. But fear ye not, devoted Shrimpdale fans! The excitement of a trip to Coventry awaits in the next round! Magic!
Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Saturday saw Dougie Freedman appear in the Bolton dugout for the first time, and he made it known beforehand that tactics would be changing under him: "El quezo estaba viejo y mohoso. Donde esta el bano?" said Freedman. Actually, that was Brendan Fraser in California Man... Freedman has actually said that promotion is still achievable for his new side this term, and a 2-1 win over league leaders Cardiff was a good start for the Dougster. But it was the
Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw ( x )
I have a theory about Hibernian's Leigh Griffiths; should his hairline ever stop receding, he will stop scoring. He's like some kind of anti-Samson... The better form he is in, the more his hairline diminishes. And his fringe moved further from his forehead on Saturday as he notched two against St Mirren. It was the visitors who had taken the lead when a long drive from Kenny McLean found it's way past Hibs keeper Ben Williams, a man who has put his jail sentence for manslaughter behind him to take the number one jersey. The lead was only to last five minutes however, a cross found the noggin of James McPake who headed downwards for Griffiths to score his tenth of the season. Hibs took control of the match in the second half and found themselves in front when Griffiths scored a second, this time with a fine 20 yard shot. The striker could have increased the lead further, hitting the post twice during the match. But the one goal lead was enough to take all three points and there was still time for Saints captain Jim Goodwin to get a second booking for doing what he does best - elbowing someone in the face. And finally, no mention of Leigh Griffiths is complete without linking to the Real Lee Griffiths Blog, one of the finest moments in the history of the internet.
Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Much of the build-up to this game was dominated by the revelation that Roberto Mancini came close to leaving City last season to join a mid 1990s Peter Hook side-project. It was old news and Rubbertoe insisted that the revelation would not disrupt he build-up to this match. But by kick-off, the City players were aware that a win would take them joint top of the table, and it would appear that the pressure got to them as they struggled to a 0-0 draw. West Ham had the better chances during the game, with a Kevin Nolan volley incorrectly ruled out for offside and a Yossi Benayoun shot striking the bar. City did manage eight shots on target, but couldn't find the net and Mancini responded to his side's inability to score in one match in a way that only a Manchester City manger can - by demanding that the club's owners spend £50 million on Neymar post haste. To give the Hammers their due, they proved to be as tough as nails to hold on for the point. Maybe they can build on this result and construct a fine season. It would seem that they have the right tools for the challenge. Sam Allardyce will hope that they don't screw up. Etc.
Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Fulham pinched a point in the last minute of a game which was dominated by Everton. A mistake from Timothy Howard put the home team in front as the keeper pushed a free-kick onto the post only to watch on as it bounced back into the net. The score stayed that way until the half-time in spite of the Toffees having a host of chances to equalise. Into the second-half and Everton finally found the net, Marouane Fellaini scoring from eight yards after good work from fellow Belgian Kevin Mirallas. Fellaini grabbed a second in the 72nd minute with a low shot but the despite the visitor's dominance, they could not hold on for the win. Substitute Steve Sidwell tapped in at the back post in the final minute of the game to earn a draw. Interesting fact of the day: Fellaini's old man was a goalkeeper and signed for Belgian club Mechelen. However, his former club had a strop about the signing and wouldn't let him play so he just became a bus driver instead. As you do. Terrible joke of the day: Why won't Martin Jol buy the 115g packet of Finest Wafer Thin Wiltshire Cured Pig Meat from Tesco? Because he wants the full ham!
Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
More FA Cup 'magic!' This tie at least presented a 'glamorous' opponent for non-league Park Avenue and there was a chance for them to indulge in a spot of giant-killing. Alas, it was not to be as Doncaster had the game all but wrapped up by half-time. Martin Woods turned in an Ian Hume cross from the edge of the penalty area to put his side in front. In the 37th minute, Hume turned from provider to scorer when he side-footed in from Billy Paynter's cross. Bradford started the second-half brightly and managed to pull a goal back when Richard Marshall found the top=corner from a tight angle. But any chance of a comeback was put to bed in the 76th minute when Paul Keegan's cross surprisingly found R&B singer and wife-beater Chris Brown who headed in. Whilst the result may have been expected, Bradford PA attempted to give their fellow Yorkshiremen a run for their money and managed to keep the score respectable. Everyone returned to their farms happily and ate Yorkshire pudding with gravy whilst discussing their whippets and saying 'ey oop lad' a lot. Apart from Chris Brown, who went home to a crate of Stella.
Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Another 'glamour tie' between two sides in the same division which ended with an insipid draw. Both sides had chances to take the lead in the first half but there was no goal forthcoming until the 62nd minute, when York substitute Jamie Reed finished off a Jason Walker move. With the Minstermen looking to hold on for a win, a free-kick was presented to the Dons in the 80th minute and a deflection from Charlie Strutton's shot beat City keeper Michael Ingham to earn a replay. The only real talking point to come out of this game is that a victory for Wimbledon in the return leg will see them facing MK Dons in the next round, should the other Dons also win their replay. This would be the first time that the sides have met since an acrimonious split of fans when the original Krazy Gang relocated to Milton Keynes. I like to imagine that this resulted in two groups of casuals made up entirely of Wombles, who will be set to rumble on Wimbledon Common prior to a potential tie. They would finally get to make good use of all of those sharp and pointy objects that everyday people left behind....
Sometimes it is hard to draw positives from The Grambler's poor predictions. But as the old saying goes, "if life gives you lemons, eat some lemons." Here are some positives from this week:
- We learned that Marouane Fellaini was conceived on the number 83 bus somewhere between Putkapel and Wijgmaal. Possibly.
- Craig Levein finally got the sack.
- I have some lemons.
"I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here... “I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.” “I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.” “Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding out both puppets!”"
- Bill Hicks
Friday, 2 November 2012
Week 12: It's The (late) Grambler Halloween Spooktacular!
That's right, it's the 31st of October (or at least it was when I started writing this), meaning one thing: the chance to change every player's name in a ridiculously contrived manner so that they sound spooky!
This weekend we have the first round of the FA Cup meaning a lack of League One and Two games. In Scotland, it's the third round of the Scottish Cup, meaning nothing happening outside of the top league. So I have decided, what the hell, let's include both cup competitions. There are always a few shocks and imagine the puns we could include if the draw brings out the Met Police team? Before we get the pumpkin rolling, here is a topical joke:
What do you call an annual celebration where children and adults alike disguise themselves as spooky characters or fictional persons, but only ones which are permissible by Islamic law?
Halalween!
(Please note: this is meant to be a play on words and I do not even have an embassy.)
Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win
The ghost of Eric Morecambe can often be seen floating around the foot of the table in League Two. They are a side surrounded by legendary tales of mythical creatures and even go as far as placing a ghostly-monster-beast in the very centre of the club crest. They have thrice made it as far as the third round in the FA Cup, most recently in the 2002/03 season, but have yet to better this. Rochdale, better known by their nickname 'the Dismembered Zombie Corpses', also find themselves haunting League Two after relegation last season. The blazon on the club's arms reads 'argent a woolpack encircled by two branches of the cotton tree flowered and conjoint proper; a bordure sable charged with eight martlets of the field; and for a crest on a wreath of the colours a mill-rind sable and above a fleece argent banded or.' Which is pretty damn creepy in itself. The side were knocked out by Bradford at this stage last year and Captain Peter Cadaver will be keen to lead his side further this time around.
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Terrifying odds on this result: 9/5
Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win
Boo!lton started the season in frighteningly poor form which led to the beheading of Owen Coyle. Dougie Freedman has come in from Crystal Palace insisting his new side can still manage promotion this season, but his chances of taking the Trotters back to the Premiership looked grim last weekend after a 2-1 defeat at Middlesbrough. In spite of sitting 18th in the table, Bolton have actually faired well at the Reebok Stadium, with only one loss and three wins at home. Meanwhile, Cardiff have been terrifying all other teams in the Championship this season and some have even suggested an alliance with Lucifer himself, evident by their change to blood red strips and proud display of the dragon on their badge. And by some, I mean 'no one.' A 4-0 win over Burnley last weekend gave them a seventh straight home victory, but their away form has been scaring Bluebirds fans, with three losses on the road this season. They will be relying upon top scorer Peter Witchingham to provide the tricks and treats.
Reliability pumpkins: 6/10
Horrific odds on this result: 13/10
Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw
Off to Beaster Road now as second-top meets second-bottom in the SPHelL. Manager Bat Fenlon has turned his side's fortunes around this season after an 11th place league finish last season. Hibs are just two points from the top of the table and comfortably won their last league match 4-0 against someone or another, I won't go into details... The Hibees are unbeaten at home this season but have lost three on their travels. St Mirren, although finding themselves at the wrong end of the table, are only actually three points from 5th place Inverness. Having lost their last three games, they will be keen to get their season back on track and may be filled with confidence by a penalty win over Aberdeen in their midweek cup fixture. Their only away win this season was over relegation-fodder Dundee but captain Jim Goblin insists that his side have improved dramatically since last season
Reliability pumpkins: 3/10
Blood-curdling odds on this result: 23/10
Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win
Or should that be Fred West Ham vs Scary Man-chester City? The Hammers wos 'ere last week when they were told to beat Wigan but defied my orders. That loss left them in 9th place in the Premiership but they needn't be too downhearted, as they are only a point away from fellow Londoners Arsenal in 6th place. Manager Summer of Sam Allardyce (to keep the serial killer theme going) has predicted that Andy Christmas Carroll (hang on, I'm getting my festivities confuddled...) will start to bang in the goals soon, could he start this weekend? Current Premiership champions City will be hopeful of a win to keep the pressure on leaders Chelsea. Their city rivals defeated the top team last week to narrow the gap at the top, and both Manchester teams are eyeing up the top-spot like a vampire checking out the necks of some particularly long-necked victims. Carlos Tevez scored the only goal against Swansea last weekend and boss Rubber toe Mankini will be expecting his forwards to devour goals (and possibly brains) this Saturday.
Reliability pumpkins: 7/10
Tortured odds on this result: 4/6
Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win
And a short trip across the capital brings us to Wes Craven Cottage, home of Fulham. The Cottagers performed well last season, finishing 9th under the management of Martin Ghoul. If they can maintain their current form, Fulham could well be challenging for a Europa League spot come the end of the season. But as is always the case with an in-form side, vultures begin to circle... Captain Brede Hangman-land has been targeted by a mystery 'top six side' and the gaffer may be tempted to cash-in on the defender come January. Everton are another side currently in fine form. Traditionally, the Toffee-apples struggle at the start of the season and make a late push resulting in a European spot. But this season, Moyes and co. have started early with four wins out of nine taking them to fifth place. Last week saw them draw 2-2 with fierce rivals Liver(and some fava beans with a nice Chianti)pool. The visitors will benefit from the return of midfielder Steven Pienaarcissisticrampagingkillerghostzombievamppirebeast.
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Eerie odds on this result: 8/5
Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win
Doncaster were relegated from the Championship last season amidst financial difficulties, with their future looking rather bleak. But things have brightened up, with the club gaining a 99 year lease on their Keepmoat Stadium and challenging for the top-spot in League One. Rovers boss Dean Saunders says "I'll be treating this game as though it was a league game because we're on a good run of form at the moment" before cackling wildly, pulling a cape across his face and vanishing in a puff of smoke. Bradford PA (no relation to Magnum PI) currently ply their trade in the Conference North having gained promotion from the West Yorkshire under-12s Subbuteo League last season. In last seasons first round FA Cup tie, they were thrashed 8-1 by the mighty AFC Totton. But they do have a strong squad, including U2 bassist Adam Clayton, the Fast and the Furious actor Paul Walker and renowned Cretan lyra player Ross Daly. None of this is very spooky... Em, wooooooooooo?
Reliability pumpkins: 8/10
Gruesome odds on this result: 3/10
Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Another apparition in The Grambler for York City, who hail from a town known as being amongst England's most haunted. Sounds like a job for Derek Pakora! City sit eleven places ahead of their opponents in the league but have not been too convincing at home. York manager Gary Mills has this week described the FA Cup as 'magical', whilst rubbing his hands together and salivating at the thought of it. Expect him to all Gollum should he ever get his hands on the trophy. Dons manager Neil Ardley (I'm sure there must be a spooky pun in there... 'Ardley alive? 'Ardley breathing? Something like that.) knows that Wimbledon are the underdogs, describing his team as a 'work in progress.' Like a Frankenstein or summat. The Wombles have just two wins away from home this season, but the FA Cup always throws up some minor upsets so who knows?
Reliability pumpkins: 4/10
Hair-raising odds on this result: 10/3
So there you go. Too late for Halloween but it didn't stop me forcing as many crap puns in as possible. Total odds for this week are a ghastly 518/1.
And here is a bonus football related Halloween joke for your enjoyment. Feel free to use it.
Q: Why did the werewolf fail to gain international recognition, despite finishing the season with a respectable 17 goals in 41 appearances for his club side and being nominated for both the PFA and Football Writers Player of the Year awards?
A: I'm not sure.
Happy (late) Grambleween!
This weekend we have the first round of the FA Cup meaning a lack of League One and Two games. In Scotland, it's the third round of the Scottish Cup, meaning nothing happening outside of the top league. So I have decided, what the hell, let's include both cup competitions. There are always a few shocks and imagine the puns we could include if the draw brings out the Met Police team? Before we get the pumpkin rolling, here is a topical joke:
What do you call an annual celebration where children and adults alike disguise themselves as spooky characters or fictional persons, but only ones which are permissible by Islamic law?
Halalween!
(Please note: this is meant to be a play on words and I do not even have an embassy.)
Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win
The ghost of Eric Morecambe can often be seen floating around the foot of the table in League Two. They are a side surrounded by legendary tales of mythical creatures and even go as far as placing a ghostly-monster-beast in the very centre of the club crest. They have thrice made it as far as the third round in the FA Cup, most recently in the 2002/03 season, but have yet to better this. Rochdale, better known by their nickname 'the Dismembered Zombie Corpses', also find themselves haunting League Two after relegation last season. The blazon on the club's arms reads 'argent a woolpack encircled by two branches of the cotton tree flowered and conjoint proper; a bordure sable charged with eight martlets of the field; and for a crest on a wreath of the colours a mill-rind sable and above a fleece argent banded or.' Which is pretty damn creepy in itself. The side were knocked out by Bradford at this stage last year and Captain Peter Cadaver will be keen to lead his side further this time around.
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Terrifying odds on this result: 9/5
Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win
Boo!lton started the season in frighteningly poor form which led to the beheading of Owen Coyle. Dougie Freedman has come in from Crystal Palace insisting his new side can still manage promotion this season, but his chances of taking the Trotters back to the Premiership looked grim last weekend after a 2-1 defeat at Middlesbrough. In spite of sitting 18th in the table, Bolton have actually faired well at the Reebok Stadium, with only one loss and three wins at home. Meanwhile, Cardiff have been terrifying all other teams in the Championship this season and some have even suggested an alliance with Lucifer himself, evident by their change to blood red strips and proud display of the dragon on their badge. And by some, I mean 'no one.' A 4-0 win over Burnley last weekend gave them a seventh straight home victory, but their away form has been scaring Bluebirds fans, with three losses on the road this season. They will be relying upon top scorer Peter Witchingham to provide the tricks and treats.
Reliability pumpkins: 6/10
Horrific odds on this result: 13/10
Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw
Off to Beaster Road now as second-top meets second-bottom in the SPHelL. Manager Bat Fenlon has turned his side's fortunes around this season after an 11th place league finish last season. Hibs are just two points from the top of the table and comfortably won their last league match 4-0 against someone or another, I won't go into details... The Hibees are unbeaten at home this season but have lost three on their travels. St Mirren, although finding themselves at the wrong end of the table, are only actually three points from 5th place Inverness. Having lost their last three games, they will be keen to get their season back on track and may be filled with confidence by a penalty win over Aberdeen in their midweek cup fixture. Their only away win this season was over relegation-fodder Dundee but captain Jim Goblin insists that his side have improved dramatically since last season
Reliability pumpkins: 3/10
Blood-curdling odds on this result: 23/10
Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win
Or should that be Fred West Ham vs Scary Man-chester City? The Hammers wos 'ere last week when they were told to beat Wigan but defied my orders. That loss left them in 9th place in the Premiership but they needn't be too downhearted, as they are only a point away from fellow Londoners Arsenal in 6th place. Manager Summer of Sam Allardyce (to keep the serial killer theme going) has predicted that Andy Christmas Carroll (hang on, I'm getting my festivities confuddled...) will start to bang in the goals soon, could he start this weekend? Current Premiership champions City will be hopeful of a win to keep the pressure on leaders Chelsea. Their city rivals defeated the top team last week to narrow the gap at the top, and both Manchester teams are eyeing up the top-spot like a vampire checking out the necks of some particularly long-necked victims. Carlos Tevez scored the only goal against Swansea last weekend and boss Rubber toe Mankini will be expecting his forwards to devour goals (and possibly brains) this Saturday.
Reliability pumpkins: 7/10
Tortured odds on this result: 4/6
Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win
And a short trip across the capital brings us to Wes Craven Cottage, home of Fulham. The Cottagers performed well last season, finishing 9th under the management of Martin Ghoul. If they can maintain their current form, Fulham could well be challenging for a Europa League spot come the end of the season. But as is always the case with an in-form side, vultures begin to circle... Captain Brede Hangman-land has been targeted by a mystery 'top six side' and the gaffer may be tempted to cash-in on the defender come January. Everton are another side currently in fine form. Traditionally, the Toffee-apples struggle at the start of the season and make a late push resulting in a European spot. But this season, Moyes and co. have started early with four wins out of nine taking them to fifth place. Last week saw them draw 2-2 with fierce rivals Liver(and some fava beans with a nice Chianti)pool. The visitors will benefit from the return of midfielder Steven Pienaarcissisticrampagingkillerghostzombievamppirebeast.
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Eerie odds on this result: 8/5
Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win
Doncaster were relegated from the Championship last season amidst financial difficulties, with their future looking rather bleak. But things have brightened up, with the club gaining a 99 year lease on their Keepmoat Stadium and challenging for the top-spot in League One. Rovers boss Dean Saunders says "I'll be treating this game as though it was a league game because we're on a good run of form at the moment" before cackling wildly, pulling a cape across his face and vanishing in a puff of smoke. Bradford PA (no relation to Magnum PI) currently ply their trade in the Conference North having gained promotion from the West Yorkshire under-12s Subbuteo League last season. In last seasons first round FA Cup tie, they were thrashed 8-1 by the mighty AFC Totton. But they do have a strong squad, including U2 bassist Adam Clayton, the Fast and the Furious actor Paul Walker and renowned Cretan lyra player Ross Daly. None of this is very spooky... Em, wooooooooooo?
Reliability pumpkins: 8/10
Gruesome odds on this result: 3/10
Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Another apparition in The Grambler for York City, who hail from a town known as being amongst England's most haunted. Sounds like a job for Derek Pakora! City sit eleven places ahead of their opponents in the league but have not been too convincing at home. York manager Gary Mills has this week described the FA Cup as 'magical', whilst rubbing his hands together and salivating at the thought of it. Expect him to all Gollum should he ever get his hands on the trophy. Dons manager Neil Ardley (I'm sure there must be a spooky pun in there... 'Ardley alive? 'Ardley breathing? Something like that.) knows that Wimbledon are the underdogs, describing his team as a 'work in progress.' Like a Frankenstein or summat. The Wombles have just two wins away from home this season, but the FA Cup always throws up some minor upsets so who knows?
Reliability pumpkins: 4/10
Hair-raising odds on this result: 10/3
So there you go. Too late for Halloween but it didn't stop me forcing as many crap puns in as possible. Total odds for this week are a ghastly 518/1.
And here is a bonus football related Halloween joke for your enjoyment. Feel free to use it.
Q: Why did the werewolf fail to gain international recognition, despite finishing the season with a respectable 17 goals in 41 appearances for his club side and being nominated for both the PFA and Football Writers Player of the Year awards?
A: I'm not sure.
Happy (late) Grambleween!
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Week 3 Results: (Not very) close but no cigar!
This week's write-up is a tad late as I was celebrating Mrs Grambler and big bro' Grambler raising £1,000 for those lovely Bobby Moore Fund peeps and another £1,000 for the local intensive care unit (who were kind enough to let me stay there for a couple of months) via the Great Scottish Run 10k. I am rather proud of both of them and also chuffed that neither of them beat my personal best! Seeing as The Grambler is failing to provide donations for this charitable cause so far, I am as pleased as Pagliuca that we have raised so much and if anyone out there would like to contribute, you can do so here.
Next on the agenda, FOOTBALL! The eagle-eyed-cherries amongst you may have noticed that The Grambler has yet again lost. But he/she/it is getting closer to that winning bet and I predict, with 72% confidence, that a win within the next decade is a 32% possibility.
Shall we take a look at the individual results then? Yeah, why not!
Game 1: Leeds United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Home win (Naw!)
Grambler favourites Blackburn visited Elland Road to mess things up in the first game on the list as the two sides shared six goals in a presumably thrilling draw. The visitors were 2-0 up by half time, with goals from Marcus Olsson and Nuno Gomes. As a side note, what do you call a religious Irish lady who was the patriarch of the Addams family and plays for Blackburn? Nun O'Gomes! Sorry... In an exciting second half, Leeds fought back, with horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible twat El Hadji Diouf and Ross McCormack levelling things before Argentinian Luciano Becchio put Leeds in the leads. This tremendous fightback was just what The Grambler needed after last week's terrible showing, but it was not to be a happy ending! Spanish striker and new-entrant on my list of enemies Rubén Rochina equalised with six minutes remaining to signal failure for my accumulator once again.
Game 2: Cheltenham Town vs Accrington Stanley
Prediction: Draw (Naw!)
Okay, so I wasn't THAT close this week. Cheltenham were undefeated until Saturday but Stanley had the knife to kill their table-topping ambitions (I really want that to make sense but I'm not convinced that is does). Accrington took the lead within the opening five minutes when Padraig Amond stabbed the ball home. They were to double this lead by half time when 1930s-throwback sounding George Miller cut through the defence to score. He then presumably danced a Charleston in a drape-cut suit to celebrate. Marking the start of his second spell with Accrington, Benin international Romuald Boco sliced the ball into the net. Actually, he probably didn't, but that's not the point. Following the game, Cheltenham manager and Terrorvision Mark Yates guitarist said "I'm not one for coming out and naming names, but we were hopeless today", confirming the ineptitude of his team whilst refusing to reveal his homosexual crushes.
Game 3: Airdrie United vs Cowdenbeath
Prediction: Home win (Naw!)
Prior to kick-off, I was quietly confident about this match. Four minutes after kick-off, my confidence was waning as Kyle Miller scored the opening goal for the 'beath. Airdrie's Kenny Arthur then saved a penalty in the first half to keep his side in the game, but shortly after the re-start, his team-mate Marc Warren was shown the red card. He shall no doubt be getting a Warren-ing about his future conduct. Lewis Coult and Marc McKenzie scored late on to compound United's misery. I have not included any cow/beef puns in this write-up so here are a few for you to add at your own leisure: Cowden are moo-ving up the table, it was a meaty performance, the opposition were in a stew and/or mince, Colin Cameron is steer-ing his team in the right direction, the steaks were high, Airdrie were slaughtered, ... And so forth.
Game 4: Celtic vs Hibernian
Prediction: Draw (Aye!)
The direct opposite of the previous game, I had no confidence whatsoever in this result and it actually happened! The SPL champions were ahead twice in this game, but both times The Hibees bounced back to take a well-earned point away from Parkhead (and more importantly, allow Motherwell to move top of the league!) The opening goal came from Swedish chokladbrulé med hallon* Mikael Lustig but Hibs came out fighting after the break and equalised through Tim Clancy, who sounds like he should be writing crime novels. Fifteen minutes later and Celtic were back in front,Jake James McPake unfortunate to find himself in the way of another Lustig shot which resulted in an own goal. But Hibs pushed forward once more and were rewarded for their efforts when they once again levelled the score via Paul Cairney, whose book 'Bible-Based Leadership for Military Professionals' is a must have for anyone interested in bible-based leadership for military professionals.
Game 5: Rotherham United vs Bradford City
Prediction: Home win (Aye!)
We're on a roll now! Rotherham invited Bradford over to the New York Stadium for a kickabout on a mild September afternoon and proceeded to teach them a lesson in football! And modern studies. The game started with a bang as Rotherham took the lead after fifty-five seconds. Midfielder Michael O'Conner notched the first goal, whilst his father Des and mother Sinead watched proudly from the stands. United could have been further in front as Kyel Reid, whose parents clearly cannot spell, missed a sitter. But Gareth Evans soon doubled the lead, turning in Ben Pringle's cross before turning provider as Pringle made it three before half time. To keep the paternal theme going, Bradford manager Phil Parkinson phoned his dad Michael at half time for tactical advice, but his old man simply muttered about insurance and free pens for obtaining a quote, leaving the Bantams manager confused and penless. Nothing of note happened in the second half until the eighty-sixth minute when Evans bagged his second, delighting Rotherham fans. And their fathers.
Game 6: West Ham vs Fulham
Prediction: Home win (Aye!)
An early start on Saturday and one that I was not very confident about as Fulham have been consistent and enjoyable to watch under the leadership of Martin Jol. The Hammers made headlines on the last day of transfer dealings when they brought Andy Carroll in from Liverpool and according to reports he 'shone' on his début. I imagine this was a result of overexposure to radioactive materials. Like Rotherham, West Ham got off to a fine start with Kevin Nolan scoring inside the first minute to put his sisters in the mood for dancing. Winston Reid, who should really be in Whitehall with a name like that, headed in a second to give the home-side breathing space and soon after, Matt Taylor added a third before the referee signalled for half-time. Fulham had a couple of chances in the second half but could not find the net. This was because of Sam Allardyce's new frowned-upon tactic of hiding it during the break. The Cottager's own deadline day signing, and Wacky Races villain, Dimitar Berbatov also had some skilful moments but alas, the damage had already been done.
Game 7: Cardiff City vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
Prediction: Away win (Naw!)
Our good run stops here as the only away prediction of the week failed. TheBlue Redbirds made it eight home games unbeaten thanks a 3-1 victory, which was meaningless to The Grambler anyway as the bet was already lost by kick-off time on Sunday. And things started so well for Wolves as débutant Bakary Sako scored from a free-kick on the edge of the box. They only had one minute to enjoy the lead before Ronald Zubar brought down Craig Noone in the box, resulting in a penalty scored by Peter Whittingham. And the striker made it two shortly after with an eighteen-yard shot evading Wolves Nigerian 'keeper Carl Ikeme. City's third, and Whittingham's hat-trick, was the result of another set-piece as Ralph Little's double lifted the ball over the wall. Following this defeat, Wolves have sacked assistant manager Terry Connor, who has kept a job at Molineux for 13 years in spite of being a bit crap at most of them. John Lange, a prominent Danish botanist from the 19th century, will replace him.
Three out of seven then. Definitely an improvement on last week but still nowhere near that fortune that The Grambler has foretold. We shall see what next week brings. Probably another incorrect Blackburn prediction...
I have an exciting plug this week. A friend has started a rolling accumulator to turn £10 into £300 via 'safe' bets. I was going to say that it was working very well thus far, but he has just lost close to £100 that had built up through the week and thus been forced to start over. It is a good read though and if you are after tips, it is without a doubt better than the above nonsense! Read all about it at FootyProfit!
Continuing with the tradition of finishing with a quote, here is playwright George Bernard Shaw on Gambling:
"The golden rule is that there are no golden rules."
*Chocolate crème brulee with raspberries; my Swedish is not particularly good.
Next on the agenda, FOOTBALL! The eagle-eyed-cherries amongst you may have noticed that The Grambler has yet again lost. But he/she/it is getting closer to that winning bet and I predict, with 72% confidence, that a win within the next decade is a 32% possibility.
Shall we take a look at the individual results then? Yeah, why not!
Game 1: Leeds United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Home win (Naw!)
Grambler favourites Blackburn visited Elland Road to mess things up in the first game on the list as the two sides shared six goals in a presumably thrilling draw. The visitors were 2-0 up by half time, with goals from Marcus Olsson and Nuno Gomes. As a side note, what do you call a religious Irish lady who was the patriarch of the Addams family and plays for Blackburn? Nun O'Gomes! Sorry... In an exciting second half, Leeds fought back, with horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible twat El Hadji Diouf and Ross McCormack levelling things before Argentinian Luciano Becchio put Leeds in the leads. This tremendous fightback was just what The Grambler needed after last week's terrible showing, but it was not to be a happy ending! Spanish striker and new-entrant on my list of enemies Rubén Rochina equalised with six minutes remaining to signal failure for my accumulator once again.
Game 2: Cheltenham Town vs Accrington Stanley
Prediction: Draw (Naw!)
Okay, so I wasn't THAT close this week. Cheltenham were undefeated until Saturday but Stanley had the knife to kill their table-topping ambitions (I really want that to make sense but I'm not convinced that is does). Accrington took the lead within the opening five minutes when Padraig Amond stabbed the ball home. They were to double this lead by half time when 1930s-throwback sounding George Miller cut through the defence to score. He then presumably danced a Charleston in a drape-cut suit to celebrate. Marking the start of his second spell with Accrington, Benin international Romuald Boco sliced the ball into the net. Actually, he probably didn't, but that's not the point. Following the game, Cheltenham manager and Terrorvision Mark Yates guitarist said "I'm not one for coming out and naming names, but we were hopeless today", confirming the ineptitude of his team whilst refusing to reveal his homosexual crushes.
Game 3: Airdrie United vs Cowdenbeath
Prediction: Home win (Naw!)
Prior to kick-off, I was quietly confident about this match. Four minutes after kick-off, my confidence was waning as Kyle Miller scored the opening goal for the 'beath. Airdrie's Kenny Arthur then saved a penalty in the first half to keep his side in the game, but shortly after the re-start, his team-mate Marc Warren was shown the red card. He shall no doubt be getting a Warren-ing about his future conduct. Lewis Coult and Marc McKenzie scored late on to compound United's misery. I have not included any cow/beef puns in this write-up so here are a few for you to add at your own leisure: Cowden are moo-ving up the table, it was a meaty performance, the opposition were in a stew and/or mince, Colin Cameron is steer-ing his team in the right direction, the steaks were high, Airdrie were slaughtered, ... And so forth.
Game 4: Celtic vs Hibernian
Prediction: Draw (Aye!)
The direct opposite of the previous game, I had no confidence whatsoever in this result and it actually happened! The SPL champions were ahead twice in this game, but both times The Hibees bounced back to take a well-earned point away from Parkhead (and more importantly, allow Motherwell to move top of the league!) The opening goal came from Swedish chokladbrulé med hallon* Mikael Lustig but Hibs came out fighting after the break and equalised through Tim Clancy, who sounds like he should be writing crime novels. Fifteen minutes later and Celtic were back in front,
Game 5: Rotherham United vs Bradford City
Prediction: Home win (Aye!)
We're on a roll now! Rotherham invited Bradford over to the New York Stadium for a kickabout on a mild September afternoon and proceeded to teach them a lesson in football! And modern studies. The game started with a bang as Rotherham took the lead after fifty-five seconds. Midfielder Michael O'Conner notched the first goal, whilst his father Des and mother Sinead watched proudly from the stands. United could have been further in front as Kyel Reid, whose parents clearly cannot spell, missed a sitter. But Gareth Evans soon doubled the lead, turning in Ben Pringle's cross before turning provider as Pringle made it three before half time. To keep the paternal theme going, Bradford manager Phil Parkinson phoned his dad Michael at half time for tactical advice, but his old man simply muttered about insurance and free pens for obtaining a quote, leaving the Bantams manager confused and penless. Nothing of note happened in the second half until the eighty-sixth minute when Evans bagged his second, delighting Rotherham fans. And their fathers.
Game 6: West Ham vs Fulham
Prediction: Home win (Aye!)
An early start on Saturday and one that I was not very confident about as Fulham have been consistent and enjoyable to watch under the leadership of Martin Jol. The Hammers made headlines on the last day of transfer dealings when they brought Andy Carroll in from Liverpool and according to reports he 'shone' on his début. I imagine this was a result of overexposure to radioactive materials. Like Rotherham, West Ham got off to a fine start with Kevin Nolan scoring inside the first minute to put his sisters in the mood for dancing. Winston Reid, who should really be in Whitehall with a name like that, headed in a second to give the home-side breathing space and soon after, Matt Taylor added a third before the referee signalled for half-time. Fulham had a couple of chances in the second half but could not find the net. This was because of Sam Allardyce's new frowned-upon tactic of hiding it during the break. The Cottager's own deadline day signing, and Wacky Races villain, Dimitar Berbatov also had some skilful moments but alas, the damage had already been done.
Game 7: Cardiff City vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
Prediction: Away win (Naw!)
Our good run stops here as the only away prediction of the week failed. The
Three out of seven then. Definitely an improvement on last week but still nowhere near that fortune that The Grambler has foretold. We shall see what next week brings. Probably another incorrect Blackburn prediction...
I have an exciting plug this week. A friend has started a rolling accumulator to turn £10 into £300 via 'safe' bets. I was going to say that it was working very well thus far, but he has just lost close to £100 that had built up through the week and thus been forced to start over. It is a good read though and if you are after tips, it is without a doubt better than the above nonsense! Read all about it at FootyProfit!
Continuing with the tradition of finishing with a quote, here is playwright George Bernard Shaw on Gambling:
"The golden rule is that there are no golden rules."
I think that he may also have invented Fight Club.
*Chocolate crème brulee with raspberries; my Swedish is not particularly good.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Week 3: Deadline day drama for The Grambler!
Yes that's right, we have an EXCLUSIVE! deadline day transfer to inform you about! Maicon to Man City? Nah! Berbatov to Fulham? Pah! Moutinho to Spurs? Splah!
Nope... For you see, and you heard it here first remember, I can report a transfer which will surprise, excite and arouse in equal measure. The Grambler has moved from Microsoft Office Home 2010 to Microsoft Office Student 2007! Exciting stuff, eh?
Well I hope you are all enjoying Deadline Day as much as I am. The closure of the window may prove to be the right time to change your fantasy football team or reconsider your regular normal-people bets, but it has no bearing on The Grambler. The draw has been made and I shall stand by the results until Sunday evening when I shall once again be cursing all fourteen teams involved for not fixing the games for the sake of my bet. 1:Onto business then...
Game 1: Leeds United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Home win
What is going on here!? Three weeks of Grambling, three appearances for Blackburn Rovers! The good thing is that one of these predictions was correct and the other was very close to being correct, if it weren't for the part where it was wrong. Both sides have won two of their three games this season, although Blackburn sit higher in the league. But Rovers have not won an away game since the 10th of March, against fellow relegatees Wolves (more on them later.) Leeds have not been too busy in the lead up to the transfer window closure. They have managed to extend the contract of prize asset Ross McCormack and added an experienced goalkeeper in Paddy Kenny and a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible twat in El Hadji Diouf. The Chickenmeisters have added a number of new faces through the summer and have today finalised a club-record deal for Huddersfield goal-machine Jordan Rhodes and the Scrabble-winningly named Grzegorz Sandomierski . Hopefully they will have woeful débuts.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/10
Game 2: Cheltenham Town vs Acrington Stanley
Prediction: Draw
Another familiar name popping up here in Acrington Stanley . It is a random selection, I swear! Once again, the two sides have won two of their opening three games, with Cheltenham higher in the league due to a draw in their other match. The transfer window has a lesser effect on the lower leagues, with loan signings still a possibility, but Acrington have managed to re-sign former midfielder and Benin internationalist Romuald Boco today. Interestingly, the last three times that these two sides have met at Whaddon Road, there has been a win apiece and one draw so one could argue that they are evenly matched. Even more interestingly, Cheltenham's manager once played guitar for 90s pop-rockers Terrorvision. Either that or two people may have the same name, which is a ludicrous suggestion!
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 11/4
Game 3: Airdrie United vs Cowdenbeath
Prediction: Home win
Scottish football returns to The Grambler! The original Franchise FC and disturbingly-meaty-sounding Cowdenbeath have each amassed six points in their opening three games with both teams having lost to Dunfermline this season. Airdrie have won four out of their last five home games whilst the 'beath remain unbeaten in their last five away games so this could be close. Not a great deal of activity from either side on transfer deadline day... Airdrie have added nine new faces (along with other body parts) over the summer, including Jersey Premiership player of the year Jack Boyle. Wow. They also appear to have a player with the surname Sally. Meanwhile, Cowdenbeath have gone for Championship Manager tactics and signed a bunch of foreign players because they have cool names. Theses include Pablo Navas, Zephaniah Thomas and Ruben Garcia Rey. In conclusion, I don't have a clue.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 6/4
Game 4: Celtic vs Hibernian
Result: Draw
Staying in Scotland, we have our least likely result of the day. Celtic are fully expected to ease towards the SPL title this season following the demise of Rangers and have thus far won two and drawn one. Hibs had a poor season last year; despite reaching the Scottish Cup Final, they finished in 11th place in the league. They have had a good start to the season with two wins, one draw and one loss. They have also been known to turn on the style in the past when playing either half of the Old Firm, so who knows? Celtic have however just qualified for the Champions League and so their players and fans will be full of confidence. No new signings for Hibs thus far on D-Day but Celtic have added Nigerian Efe Ambrose. A bit of a risky signing as I hear he was previously in custardy (Ambrose... Ambrosia... Ach, never mind!)
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 5/1
Game 5: Rotherham United vs Bradford City
Prediction: Home win
A second appearance for Rotherham United, and Grambler fans may remember that the previous prediction involving them was correct! The Millers have had a reasonable start to the season with four points from their opening three games. However, Bradford sit ahead of them in the league with six points from their opening trio of matches. Rotherham have won four of their last five home games whilst Bradford have lost four of their last five away games, which makes this prediction sound promising. The corresponding game last season finished with a 3-0 victory for the home side, so let's hope for more of the same! Neither team appears to have put in any effort on deadline day which limits what I can actually write here... Did you know that the Chuckle Brothers hail from Rotherham? I didn't know this.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 4/5
Game 6: West Ham vs Fulham
Prediction: Home win
Woohoo, a Premiership game featuring two teams who have been busy before the transfer window closes! The Hammers started the season with a win but then followed it up with a 3-0 humbling at the hands of Swansea. They have reacted to this by adding Liverpool outcast Andy Carroll to their ranks. In case anyone thought it was a dream, Kenny Dalglish genuinely paid £35 million for him... Fulham had a great start to the season with a 5-0 win over Norwich but lost at Old Trafford last week. They have had a busy day, signing Dimitar Berbatov and Keiran Richardson. West Ham fans will be hoping that Fulham's midweek sale of Mousa Dembelle to Spurs will have weakened the team. The Hammers faithful will also expect to see a massive switch in tactics this weekend, as Sam Allardyce uses all of his management nous to change from lumping the ball up the park towards Carlton Cole to lumping the ball up the park towards Andy Carroll.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result 6/4
Game 7: Cardiff City vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
Prediction: Away win
Our only away win prediction this week comes from Wales, where perennial play-off-pushers Cardiff face perennial relegation-sufferers Wolves. Neither team has had the start to the season that they would have hoped for, each winning one, drawing one and losing one. Cardiff have not lost in their past five home games but have drawn in three of those. Wolves meanwhile have lost three of five away games. However, this stretches back to their Premiership campaign where they were quite frankly awful. Cardiff have one deadline deal to tie up, with the BBC declaring that they aim to 'capture' West Ham's Nicky Maynard. Malky Mackay has been spotted outside Upton Park with an oversized fishing net. Wolves may choose to start their new French signing Bakary Sako... Employing my constantly developing linguistic skills once again, I can confirm that his name translates to 'bakery sack.'
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Quickly tallying things up on the Grambulator (a modified calculator), I am told that the total odds for this week's bet shall be...
2,037/1!!!
The Bobby Moore Fund will surely be chuffed with this donation which is certain to be heading their way!
I shall be glued to Sky Sports News over the weekend, hopeful of my first sweet, sweet taste of victory. I hereby invite you to join me for the results and analysis on Sunday evening.
Nope... For you see, and you heard it here first remember, I can report a transfer which will surprise, excite and arouse in equal measure. The Grambler has moved from Microsoft Office Home 2010 to Microsoft Office Student 2007! Exciting stuff, eh?
Well I hope you are all enjoying Deadline Day as much as I am. The closure of the window may prove to be the right time to change your fantasy football team or reconsider your regular normal-people bets, but it has no bearing on The Grambler. The draw has been made and I shall stand by the results until Sunday evening when I shall once again be cursing all fourteen teams involved for not fixing the games for the sake of my bet. 1:Onto business then...
Game 1: Leeds United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Home win
What is going on here!? Three weeks of Grambling, three appearances for Blackburn Rovers! The good thing is that one of these predictions was correct and the other was very close to being correct, if it weren't for the part where it was wrong. Both sides have won two of their three games this season, although Blackburn sit higher in the league. But Rovers have not won an away game since the 10th of March, against fellow relegatees Wolves (more on them later.) Leeds have not been too busy in the lead up to the transfer window closure. They have managed to extend the contract of prize asset Ross McCormack and added an experienced goalkeeper in Paddy Kenny and a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible twat in El Hadji Diouf. The Chickenmeisters have added a number of new faces through the summer and have today finalised a club-record deal for Huddersfield goal-machine Jordan Rhodes and the Scrabble-winningly named Grzegorz Sandomierski . Hopefully they will have woeful débuts.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/10
Game 2: Cheltenham Town vs Acrington Stanley
Prediction: Draw
Another familiar name popping up here in Acrington Stanley . It is a random selection, I swear! Once again, the two sides have won two of their opening three games, with Cheltenham higher in the league due to a draw in their other match. The transfer window has a lesser effect on the lower leagues, with loan signings still a possibility, but Acrington have managed to re-sign former midfielder and Benin internationalist Romuald Boco today. Interestingly, the last three times that these two sides have met at Whaddon Road, there has been a win apiece and one draw so one could argue that they are evenly matched. Even more interestingly, Cheltenham's manager once played guitar for 90s pop-rockers Terrorvision. Either that or two people may have the same name, which is a ludicrous suggestion!
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 11/4
Game 3: Airdrie United vs Cowdenbeath
Prediction: Home win
Scottish football returns to The Grambler! The original Franchise FC and disturbingly-meaty-sounding Cowdenbeath have each amassed six points in their opening three games with both teams having lost to Dunfermline this season. Airdrie have won four out of their last five home games whilst the 'beath remain unbeaten in their last five away games so this could be close. Not a great deal of activity from either side on transfer deadline day... Airdrie have added nine new faces (along with other body parts) over the summer, including Jersey Premiership player of the year Jack Boyle. Wow. They also appear to have a player with the surname Sally. Meanwhile, Cowdenbeath have gone for Championship Manager tactics and signed a bunch of foreign players because they have cool names. Theses include Pablo Navas, Zephaniah Thomas and Ruben Garcia Rey. In conclusion, I don't have a clue.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 6/4
Game 4: Celtic vs Hibernian
Result: Draw
Staying in Scotland, we have our least likely result of the day. Celtic are fully expected to ease towards the SPL title this season following the demise of Rangers and have thus far won two and drawn one. Hibs had a poor season last year; despite reaching the Scottish Cup Final, they finished in 11th place in the league. They have had a good start to the season with two wins, one draw and one loss. They have also been known to turn on the style in the past when playing either half of the Old Firm, so who knows? Celtic have however just qualified for the Champions League and so their players and fans will be full of confidence. No new signings for Hibs thus far on D-Day but Celtic have added Nigerian Efe Ambrose. A bit of a risky signing as I hear he was previously in custardy (Ambrose... Ambrosia... Ach, never mind!)
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 5/1
Game 5: Rotherham United vs Bradford City
Prediction: Home win
A second appearance for Rotherham United, and Grambler fans may remember that the previous prediction involving them was correct! The Millers have had a reasonable start to the season with four points from their opening three games. However, Bradford sit ahead of them in the league with six points from their opening trio of matches. Rotherham have won four of their last five home games whilst Bradford have lost four of their last five away games, which makes this prediction sound promising. The corresponding game last season finished with a 3-0 victory for the home side, so let's hope for more of the same! Neither team appears to have put in any effort on deadline day which limits what I can actually write here... Did you know that the Chuckle Brothers hail from Rotherham? I didn't know this.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 4/5
Game 6: West Ham vs Fulham
Prediction: Home win
Woohoo, a Premiership game featuring two teams who have been busy before the transfer window closes! The Hammers started the season with a win but then followed it up with a 3-0 humbling at the hands of Swansea. They have reacted to this by adding Liverpool outcast Andy Carroll to their ranks. In case anyone thought it was a dream, Kenny Dalglish genuinely paid £35 million for him... Fulham had a great start to the season with a 5-0 win over Norwich but lost at Old Trafford last week. They have had a busy day, signing Dimitar Berbatov and Keiran Richardson. West Ham fans will be hoping that Fulham's midweek sale of Mousa Dembelle to Spurs will have weakened the team. The Hammers faithful will also expect to see a massive switch in tactics this weekend, as Sam Allardyce uses all of his management nous to change from lumping the ball up the park towards Carlton Cole to lumping the ball up the park towards Andy Carroll.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result 6/4
Game 7: Cardiff City vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
Prediction: Away win
Our only away win prediction this week comes from Wales, where perennial play-off-pushers Cardiff face perennial relegation-sufferers Wolves. Neither team has had the start to the season that they would have hoped for, each winning one, drawing one and losing one. Cardiff have not lost in their past five home games but have drawn in three of those. Wolves meanwhile have lost three of five away games. However, this stretches back to their Premiership campaign where they were quite frankly awful. Cardiff have one deadline deal to tie up, with the BBC declaring that they aim to 'capture' West Ham's Nicky Maynard. Malky Mackay has been spotted outside Upton Park with an oversized fishing net. Wolves may choose to start their new French signing Bakary Sako... Employing my constantly developing linguistic skills once again, I can confirm that his name translates to 'bakery sack.'
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Quickly tallying things up on the Grambulator (a modified calculator), I am told that the total odds for this week's bet shall be...
2,037/1!!!
The Bobby Moore Fund will surely be chuffed with this donation which is certain to be heading their way!
I shall be glued to Sky Sports News over the weekend, hopeful of my first sweet, sweet taste of victory. I hereby invite you to join me for the results and analysis on Sunday evening.
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