Week 18: Preparing for Billy Crystalmas!

Tis the season to be jolly, falalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!  Or so the old song goes, but it's hard to be jolly when The Grambler insists on presenting me with ridiculously inaccurate predictions!  With one game cancelled due to the weather last weekend, only four needed to be accurate.  And the bet was not unreasonable as such.  It was the best chance in months to win a wad of dosh for the Bobby Moore Fund.  But what happened?  A measly ONE out of four results came up, that's what happened!  And it was probably the one in which I had the least confidence... Liverpool winning?  That's just absurd!

This week sees the return of the SUPER MEGA GRAMBLER BONUS BET!!! so we are all but guaranteed a winner.  And to quote famous footballing personality Peter Beardsley, "I trust The Grambler to the extent that I sold my house and all of my possessions so that I could place the proceeds on this bet.  Also, I'm well chuffed with my It's A Wonderful Life tee shirt available now at RedBubble..."

Game 1: Bolton Wanderers vs Charlton Athletic

Prediction: Home win

Bolton have won just one in seven games under Dougie Freedman and a quick return to the Premiership is looking increasingly unlikely.  Currently languishing in 18th place in the Championship, Wanderers also have the worst shots to goals ration in the division.  Charlton are currently three points ahead of their opponents and just four from the play-off spots.  Celebrity fan Charlton Heston said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "I've played three presidents, three saints and two geniuses - and that's probably enough for any man."  Exactly. 

Odds on this result: 10/11

Game 2: Peterhead vs Annan Athletic

Prediction: Away win

Peterhead and Annan inhabit 6th and 7th places in Division Three respectively.  A win for the home side would double the gap between the two but Athletic could draw level on points with a victory.  Celebrity fan Kofi Annan said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "we have the means and the capacity to deal with our problems, if only we can find the political will." Indeed.

Odds on this result: 11/4

Game 3: Celtic vs St Mirren

Prediction: Home win

Celtic are momentarily four points clear of SPL title favourites Motherwell, much to the surprise of the nation.  The home side narrowly defeated Arbroath during the week in order to progress in the Scottish Cup.  Meanwhile, the Buddies find themselves uncomfortably close to the relegation spot in the SPL, but are still six points clear of bottom side Dundee.   

Celebrity fan Helen Mirren said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "flesh sells. People don't want to see pictures of churches. They want to see naked bodies."  Precisely.

Odds on this result: 1/5

Game 4: Norwich City vs Wigan Athletic

Prediction: Draw

Norwich have surprised many this season with some strong performances under Chris Hughton.  The Canaries were victorious in a seven-goal-thriller last weekend at Swansea but fell victim to former boss Paul Lambert's Aston Villa side during the week.Wigan have only won one of their last six games and currently sit in the relegation zone.  Celebrity fan Bradley Wiggins said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "I can’t account for where anyone else is at.  I'm better than I've ever been."  Absolutely.

Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 5: Queens Park vs Elgin City

Prediction: Home win

This game pits 3rd against 2nd in the Third Division and the winner could emerge as the main contenders to Glasgow Franchise Scheme FC for the title.  The home side defeated Annan 3-2 last weekend whilst Elgin were also winners at home to Clyde.  Celebrity fan The Queen said of the home team's fortunes so far this season "the British Constitution has always been puzzling and always will be."  Amen.

Odds on this result: 11/10

There is your main bet for this weekend and with odds of 60/1, we could all be £60-aires by Sunday!  You could be like me and donate said winnings to a good cause.  Or you could use it to kickstart a fund for your very own John Motson monkey. 

Also, seeing as it's nearly Christmas, here is a SUPER MEGA GRAMBLER BONUS BET!!! 

Game;Both teams to score?;Odds

Blackpool vs Blackburn; Yes; 4/7

Dunfermline vs Hamilton; Yes; 4/7

Birmingham vs Crystal Palace; No; 6/5

Oldham vs Swindon; No; 1/1

Dagenham & Redbridge; Yes; 8/13

Only 18/1 on that one, but a nice wee Brucie bonus if it comes off. 

Now go forth, and spread the good word of our almighty Grambler in peace. 

Week 13: Unlucky for some...

If you happen to suffer from triskaidekaphobia, this is not going to be your week.  Similarly, if you happen to enjoy accurate predictions from betting websites, this is not going to be your week.  Also, if you happen to be Nadine Dorries, this is not going to be your week.

Last week was terrible; there is no disguising that.  But one only has to glance at the midweek European results to realise that absolutely anything can happen in the glorious game of football - Portuguese minnows Académica defeated Europa League and UEFA Super Cup champions Atlético Madrid... Little known Scottish club Celtic defeated the omnipotent Barcelona... And perhaps most shockingly, Dundee United were victorious against Motherwell.  Seriously, I know it's hard to believe but it happened.  Look it up if you don't believe me!

We have a massive SEVENTY games to choose from this week, with a handful of games thrown in from the Capital One Cup and the Scottish FA Cup ('Mon the Inverurie Locos!)  To find out who The Grambler selected, press the hash key... now!

Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Bromwich Albion
Prediction: Draw
West Brom are this season's unexpected high-fliers.  They are currently 5th in the Premiership, level on points with Everton in 4th place.  Under the leadership of Steve Clarke, they have only lost one game at home.  However, their away record is less positive, with only two points from four games.  Wigan will be looking to avoid the relegation scuffle this year and their boss Roberto Martinez is already receiving plaudits for results this season, which have included away wins at Spurs and Southampton.  A number of commentators have stated throughout the week that Liverpool should really have pursued their interest in Martinez rather than turning to Brendan Rodgers in the summer.  Rumour has it the Spaniard could still be set for a move from the DW Stadium though, this time for Major League Soccer.  A newly formed team made up of Native American Indians are looking to appoint a head-coach.  With Roberto at the helm, it could be a good début season for Wigwam Athletic.  Sorry...  I'm not really.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 2: Manchester City vs Tottenham Hotspur
Prediction: Home win
Why, hello again Manchester City, you're looking well!  A second appearance in a row for the Sky Blues, last week they failed to win despite The Grambler telling me that they should.  They have home advantage this weekend and have yet to lose at the Etihad Stadium in the league this season, with four victories and a draw to their name.  City continued their woeful European form on Tuesday evening, coming back from 2-0 down to scrape a draw with popular cleaning product Ajax.  They are currently bottom of Group D, also known as THE GROUP OF HORRIBLY PAINFUL AND ELONGATED DEATH, and with progression looking unlikely, fans will be expecting more from the domestic competitions.  Spurs look likely to be in for another season of chasing 4th place, having slipped to 6th last weekend with a calamitous defeat at home to the aforementioned Wogan Athletic.  Manager Andre Villas Boas is already coming in for a hard time with many sections of the media, and this is probably little to do with results and more to do with him replacing media-darling 'Arry Redknapp, everyone's favourite tax-evading Cockney.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 4/7

Game 3: Southend United vs Port Vale
Prediction: Away win
Southend have had a mixed season so far, with the exact same form at home as away from home; three wins, two draw and three losses.  This is not necessarily bad form but suggests that home advantage means very little, and fans would have been somewhat embarrassed to watch their side lose 1-0 at home to bottom side Aldershot a few weeks back.  They will be missing two key players in Anthony Straker, who has been called up for international duty with Grenada, and Neil Harris, out with a knee injury.  Interesting if slightly irrelevant piece of trivia of the week: Ian Tomlinson, who infamously died following an 'altercation' with the police, was wearing a t-shirt featuring a tribute to Neil Harris when the incident occurred.  True story.  Port Vale will be hopeful of keeping the pressure on runaway league leaders Gillingham with another away win.  Their travelling form has been impressive, with five wins from eight on the road.  They are also the only team in British football to have adopted a pretzel as a team emblem. 
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 2/1

Game 4: Celtic vs St Johnstone
Prediction: Home win
It has been a good week for Celtic fans; the club celebrated its 125th anniversary, defeated Barcelona in the Champions League and, probably most importantly, this arrived in the club shop.  I love a good football related Christmas gnome, I do!  Most people will look at this game and think that a win for Celtic is foregone conclusion, but the Hoops are prone to the odd slip-up following a good result in Europe.  For example: Just this season, following a good 2-0 victory over futuristic vampire-slayers Helsingborgs which led Celtic to the Champions League group stages, the team went on to draw with Hibs at home and then lose their next game away from home, one of only two league defeats this season.  Their opponents on that occasion?  St Johnstone.  The Saints are one of a host of clubs hoping to take advantage of Rangers' demise this season and finish in the fabled second spot of the SPL (yes, Scottish football is really that sad.)  But their form has been a little inconsistent of late.  A record-equalling 5th straight league win in a row (last achieved by the Perth side in 1971) has been followed by a 1-1 draw with Inverness and an inevitable defeat at Motherwell.  Steve Lomas will be hoping for a tired or over-confident Celtic side.
Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 2/9

Game 5: Elgin City vs Berwick Rangers
Prediction: Draw
I cannot claim to have such a high level of knowledge when it comes to either of these teams but one thing I am certain is true, football is not such a big deal in Elgin.  In fact, participation in the sport pales in comparison to the most popular past-time (as I understand it): Marbles.    In spite of this, the football team has been doing rather well this year and may have been leading the division had it not been for some young upstarts coming along with their franchise and beating almost everyone.  At home, they have only been defeated once in a 5-1 thrashing at the hands of Rangers Franchise #1 PLC FC.  Berwick meanwhile are sitting 6th in the table and have been good at home, remaining unbeaten in five games.  Their away form has let them down however, with one point at Queens Park two weeks ago their only gain on their travels.  Manager Ian Little may have worked with some of the biggest pop acts of the day in the 1980s but his focus is now on taking his Rangers side up the leagues.  A play-off spot in the Third Division is not so far out of reach.  
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 14/5

Game 6: Partick Thistle vs Dunfermline Athletic
Prediction: Away win
This is probably the most exciting Grambler selected game of the week... No, I'm being a serious!  A proper top of the table clash and one which will play a huge part in the fight for promotion to the SPL this season.  Some of you may have been reading a number of weeks ago when Partick Thistle made an appearance.  At the time, they had a 100% home record, and this is still the case.  However, after one win from the last four games, they have slipped to 2nd place in the First Division... Behind Dunfermline Athletic!  The Pars have only lost one game this season and have a tremendous record of four wins and one draw away from Dens Park.  The two teams already met on Dunfermline's patch earlier in the season, when the Maryhill side enjoyed a 1-0 victory.  "We want to try and take the three points back that they took off us at East End Park" said Pars manager Jim Jefferies enthusiastically.  Well I say enthusiastically, anyone who has ever heard Jefferies talk will know that he sounded like he had a noose around his neck...
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 21/10

Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Anyone else getting a feeling of deja vu?  I think I might be in the Matrix and suddenly the world around me seems very late nineties... Everyone is listening to nu-metal and wearing overly baggy jeans and... Why is there a ridiculously wooden actor next to me saying "wooooooaaaaah!" at everything and anything?  Confused?  You should be!  For you see, this exact same fixture happened last week, with The Grambler selecting it... With AFC Wimbledon to be victorious... As Game 7... Wooooooaaaaah!  It was, of course, an incorrect prediction.  In the meantime, both clubs have played a midweek fixture, with York fairing slightly better than their opponents.  The home-side played Northampton and a 1-1 draw has kept them in 10th place, still close enough that they can smell a play-off place.  And it smells like roast chicken.  Wombledon meanwhile lost their Tuesday night encounter with Exeter 2-0 and manager Neil Ardley has called for hard work and desire from his relegation-threatened team.  "There has to be hard work and desire" he told reporters who went on to report his quotes in a variety of media outlets.
Reliability balls: 3/10
Odds on this result: 16/5

Overall, we could have done a lot worse with this week's predictions.  Our combined odds this week are a plentiful 968/1.  A high number of away wins is never a good sign but I am filled with confidence that we can do it this week, and it would be a fitting tribute to Jack Duckworth who was a devoted fan of The Grambler.  Possibly.

Week 11 results: Grambling in 25 words!

I shall be keeping this short and sweet.  For you see, today is the second anniversary of Mrs Grambler and I (Happy Anniversary Mrs G!) and so I have been very busy over the weekend and therefore unable to conduct the usual flawless journalism required around these parts.  

A lack of available time means that I shall be limiting each game to 25 words this week.  This will be a challenge!  And I'm counting a scoreline as one word!

As an aside, I did stop in the town of Ambleside over the weekend and had to fight the urge to add GR to the start of every road sign I noticed...

Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Ham
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Ivan Ramis volley goal 1-0!  James McArthur strike, 2-0.  Tomkins last minute consolation.  Martinez happy man, Allardyce sad man... West Ham sloppy!  Yuck, sloppy ham!

Game 2: Bury vs Walsall
Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )
Wayhey!  Will Grigg early goal, Walsall lead... Minutes later, Dominic Poleon equalised.  Home team have many chances but don't score; Walsall goalkeeper David Grof plays goodly.

Game 3: Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs St Johnstone

Prediction: Home win ( x )
Inverness throw it away!  Graeme Shinnie won penalty, Andrew Shinnie missed penalty. Billy McKay scores low strike, 1-0 Thistle!  Saints equalise in last minute!  Booooooo!

Game 4: Chelsea vs Manchester United feat. Mark Clattenburg

Prediction: Home win ( x )
Lots happened!  United 2-0 up, Chelsea fightback 2-2!  Young fell over, Ivanovic red card!  Torres fouled, dive!  Red card!  Hernandez goal wins!  Clattenburg sweary/racist?

Game 5: Livingston vs Greenock Morton

Prediction: Away win
Iain Russell, 8 minutes, GOOOOOAAAAL! 1-0 Livi...  Second half, Archibald Campbell, two goals in five minutes.  Morton lead!  Ten minutes left, Russell scores penalty, 2-2!

Game 6: Accrington Stanley vs Bristol Rovers

Prediction: Away win ( x )

Stanley win 1-0.  Goal from Padraig Amond.  Mark McGhee? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Game 7: Stoke vs Sunderland

Prediction: Away win ( x )

Riveting as expected!  Nothing happened.  Only incident, Huth handball - penalty denied.  Tony Pulis wore a hat.  Sunderland draw too much.  So do Stoke.  How boring!

Bonus points if you read every game whilst counting the words.

Overall, a week which was as forgettable as this write-up.  Hopefully we will get things back on track on Wednesday with The Grambler Halloween special!  It will be the exact same as the usual Grambler, but I will have a sheet over my head!

I could use the following quote from Robert Frost to sum up this week:

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on."

But have decided to alter it slightly to fit today's theme:

"In twenty five words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.  It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on."

- Robert Frost, poet and Grambler

Week 11: No longer available on Ceefax

For two weeks running, The Grambler has given us five correct predictions out of the seven games.  And you know what they say; Good things come in threes... Three is the magic number... Three times a lady...

On that basis, we can expect another set of 71.42857142857143% accurate predictions this week!
Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Ham
Prediction: Away win
The town of Wigan (not to be confused with the town of Wogan in Togo, which I imagine would be like the scene in Being John Malkovich where he ends up in his own head.  Only with Terry Wogan.) is well known as being more interested in rugby than football.  But under the stewardship of Roberto Martinez, the Latics have become known as a feisty side with an 'against-all-odds' survival record.  With five points from eight games this season, it looks like their fans could be in for more of the same.  West Ham have perhaps been this season's surprise package.  Having spent last season in Championship, they gained promotion the hard way via the play-offs.  Many expected them to struggle back in the Premiership but four wins and two draws from their first eight games sees them sit 7th in the table, level on points with Spurs in 5th.   The sides have already met once this season when Wigan visited Upton Park and won 4-1 in the League Cup, prompting Sam Allardyce to declare "we couldn't defend a fish supper tonight."  No comment needed there, really.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 23/10

Game 2: Bury vs Walsall
Prediction: Draw
Bury have spent most of the season sitting at the foot of the table, but on Tuesday night they finally won a game; a first victory of the campaign.  This allowed them to leapfrog their defeated opponents Hartlepool but could it be the start of a winning streak?
Walsall started the season brightly, winning five of their first nine, but have not won a league game since September, causing them to slip back down the table.  A win here could push them close to the play-off places but they will have to make-do without Dean Holden, suspended after his sending off at Sheffield United.  Bury took all six points against their opponents last season which will give them some confidence.  They are also the only football team, in my knowledge, to have a former Prime Minister as mascot.  I shudder at the thought of some poor guy having to dress up in a novelty foam David Cameron costume in years to come...
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 3: Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs St Johnstone

Prediction: Home win
Following a mediocre start to the campaign, Inverness have found their feet in recent weeks.  Three wins a row, and five games without defeat, have pushed the Highlands club to fifth in the table, ahead of title favourites Motherwell.  Boss Terry Butcher has expressed his delight at the number of goals his side have claimed, with Andrew Shinnie leading the way on seven so far.  That should give his career a leg-up.  Not to be outdone, St Johnstone also had a poor start to the season, but have gone on to win their last five matches.  They now sit second in the SPL, which is the equivalent of 14th in League One.  A win for the Saints on Saturday would see them set a new club record for the most consecutive wins.  The ghost of Roy Castle will be watching on anxiously.  This game could go either way.  Or it could end in a draw.  Some wonderful insight there for you.  Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/10

Game 4: Chelsea vs Manchester United

Prediction: Home win
A game that will no doubt be hailed as an early title decider by the red-tops.  Or worse still, a TITLE DECIDER!!!  Chelsea have only dropped two points in the league this season in a goalless draw with QPR but showed that they do have frailties on Tuesday night, with a 2-1 defeat at Shakhtar Donetsk in the Champions League.  But any fans deflated by one European defeat can show their support for the club and boost their belief in the team by purchasing the Official Chelsea Christmas Countdown Gnome!  I bought four.  United are currently four points adrift of their opponents at the top of the table and will be wary of ending the day seven points from the top spot.  Sir Alex of Ferguson rested a number of players on Tuesday night, as his side faltered to a 3-2 victory over Braga.  His leaky defence will be an urgent concern but the starting eleven should include anti-racism t-shirt hatin' Rio Ferdinand.  Should the referee invoke little known FA rule 8.2, subsection F, paragraph 3 line 2 (which reads "and should any game reach its 72nd minute, and the officials feel the urge, the result may be decided by the quality and/or novelty factor of gnomes available in the club shop") Chelsea already have this tie in the bag.  Man United's gnomes are crap.     
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/10

Game 5: Livingston vs Greenock Morton

Prediction: Away win
Livingston currently inhabit the sixth spot in the league and already look set for a season un-threatened by relegation whilst failing to trouble the promotion contenders.  In nine games this season, they have taken 12 points leaving them ten points adrift of the top spot already.  Morton could be an outsider bet for promotion to the SPL, currently sitting third in the division on 18 points, just four behind the leaders.  The Greenock side's run of five straight wins was halted last week by a 2-2 draw when visiting Dunfermline.  Livingston have only won one at home this season whilst their opponents have managed two wins on the road.  The last time these two sides met at Almondvale, the fans were treated to a spectacularly entertaining goalless draw and they will no doubt hope for more of the same today.  Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/5

Game 6: Accrington Stanley vs Bristol Rovers

Prediction: Away win
Stanley had made an optimistic start to the season and were inhabiting the upper-reaches of the table until  the end of September.  Failure to take a single point from any of their last four games has sent them back down the division to 16th so they will be looking to get things back on track.  Accrington may however have to make do without their manager Paul Cook (or their cook Paul Manager, I get mixed up) as Chesterfield made an approach to lure him away to the Proact Stadium on Wednesday morning.  Bristol Rovers have faired worse in the league this season.  Just three wins in thirteen has left them just three points outside of the relegation zone.  Shows what happens when you give up on a good thing to go chasing money, eh Mark McGhee?  As with a number of teams, I cannot claim to know too much about Rovers, so turning to the ever-reliable Wikipedia for information: "Should you cast your eyes over the Tote End of the the old Eastville Stadium during the 70s, it would often resemble the famous bar scene in Star Wars."  Right...
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 2/1

Game 7: Stoke vs Sunderland

Prediction: Away win
Known for their free-flowing total-football style which is often compared to that of Barcelona, Stoke have now graced the Premiership for a number of years and picked up many new fans along the way, including Arsene Wenger.  The Potters have only been defeated twice this season yet somehow have only won once.  Probably a result of other teams 'parking the bus' when they come up against Stoke.  Also, legend has it that Tony Pullis always wears that hat to hide an ill-advised tattoo declaring his love for Lesley Joseph which covers his scalp.  Sunderland have a fairly similar record this season under former-messiah turned regular-manager Martin O'Neill.  With one win, one loss and four draws to their name, one could easily predict that this game is destined to end in a draw.  Having pinched a point at home to rivals Newcastle last week, the Black Cats could move into the top half of the table with a win this weekend.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 3/1


The past few weeks have seen some pretty poor odds appearing around these parts, partially a result of semi-believable predictions and partially a bookmakers conspiracy to stop The Grambler.  However, this week's spectacular mix of away wins and downright ridiculous predictions gives us odds of 1,993/1.  

Place your bets now!