Week 2: Another week, another half-baked Gramble! -

Sorry, Gramblers, another week, another half-assed .  Problem is that this damn illness gives one no enthusiasm so it's hard to work up the effort to begin.  Not a great effort this week so we'll get straight to the point?

Bet 1 - Accumulator 1 - Five game bet from top tiers
Game - results - Odds
Dundee Utd vs St Johnstone - Home Result - 9/5
Leeds Utd vs Ipswich - Away result - 13/5
Blackburn vs Barnsley - Home win - 23/20
Blackpool vs Reading - Draw - 5/2
MK Dons vs Bristol City - Draw - 2

They're you go, a Grambling has been done.

Week 1: Gramblers, re-assemble!

Oh why hello there, you're looking swell!  So it's a new season starting today and unlike the last new season I invented (smepper - the delicious salt and pepper combo that was going to make me a millionaire) this one has toned down over the summer - not exactly Rooney style (i.e. by adding two stone...)  We are ready to make a realistic attempt at earning some cash for the Bobby Moore Fund this year.

To highlight exactly why we are bothering, I have spent most of the summer in hospital with a sheet over my head praying for an end.  Much like David Moyes.  The marquee signings have barely rolled in at Old Trafford, whereas across Manchester, Jesus Navas and Fernandinho to make up for the painful loss of Carlos Tevez.  In London, newly reinvigorated Chelsea have added German striker André Schürrle and Spurs have signed Brazil's answer to Paul Daniels (or some other guy called Paul)  Paulinho and Spanish striker Roberto Soldado, now owner of Hampshire's largest collection of mismatched acrylic socks.  

Most changes have taken place on the management tree but there are plenty of exciting new talents to watch lower down the league, like the outstandingly named trio Ricky Van Wolfswinkel, Victor Wanyama and Florian Marange.  Of course, it all wires down to one thing....  This:

Well. not that one but you get the point.  A big cup.  Looking all purdy with ribbons on come May next year.  It'll definitely be worth it.  So Grambling pads (no idea what they are but I now need one) at the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaady!  Let's go, season 2013/14 of the Grambler, whoop whoop!

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result -  Odds
Man City vs Newcastle - Away win - 10/1
Middlesbrough vs Blackpool - Home Win - 11/10
Cheltenham vs Plymouth - Home win - 19/20
St Johnstone vs Ross County - Draw - 21/10
Dundee vs Alloa - Home win - 8/13
50p @ 225/1

Bet 2: Three game accumulator from all EPL and SPL
Game - Result -  Odds
Norwich vs Everton - Draw - 23/10
West Brom vs Southampton - Home win - 6/4
Inverness vs Motherwell - Away win - 9/4
£1 @ 26/1

Just the two bets today but interesting stuff, I'm sure you'll agree*!  The main bet features Manu Pellegrini's competitive début end in terrible, unjustifiable defeat plus defeat for last season's Premiership-nearly men Blackpool.  Which might shut up Paul Ince, hooray!

Our top-tier second bet has some interesting lower Premiership games, with Everton's new boss Roberto Martinez set to taste sweet, sweet mediocrity with a draw.  Meanwhile, in the SPL Motherwell will look to follow up their (imagined) title from last season with a third successive (imagined) title win.

*If you are interested in that sort of thing in any way...

So in summary, there be a couple of bets what you may or may not put faith in.  The Grambler doesn't exactly have an amazing record and hence it will certainly be a win for us this time around.  Excpect the wins to tally up as the season flies by.

An end of season update...

Sadly, we have reached the end of the season!  And with no World Cup or European Championship to keep us entertain this year, there will be no more Grambling until August.  Nooooooooooooo!  In the meantime, I will continue to post nonsense and ramblings on football on here occasionally, just to remind everyone that the new Grambling season is just around the corner!

I'd like to thank you for your support throughout the season.  As you know, this project was set up to raise some funds and awareness for the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research and I am pleased to announce that throughout the season, we have managed to raise...

I'm rather pleased with that, and if you've enjoyed this adventure as much as me, please do click on the link to the right of the page and make a donation.  Every little helps in the fight against the massive turd that is bowel cancer!

And here is a quick and dirty football gag from Rubbertoe Mankini for your enjoyment on this beautiful summer's day...

Week 31: Now featuring horses!

Yes, you read that right... HORSES!  It's the Grand National weekend and whilst I couldn't normally care less about horse racing (it's pretty cruel to be honest), I seem to have a habit of picking a winning overgrown donkey each year.  But what sayeth The Grambler?  He/She/It has already proved him/her/it-self to be incapable of selecting winning football results, but how about winning horses?  So this week, we will have one five game accumulator from the football leagues and one horse flavoured bet from the Grand National.  I can't lose!  Unless I do, in which case I can.

On the football front, it has been another eventful week...  Stealing the headlines was horrible fascist Paulo Di Canio who has finally been criticised for being a horrible fascist.  Strangely, this was rarely mentioned during his playing days or management of Swindon but suddenly everyone has an opinion on it.  I would just like to point out that The Grambler first lambasted Di Canio for being a horrible fascist back in October and therefore everyone else is plagiarising.  I shall see you in court!  Whilst one irritable cretin gained a job, another lost one as Neil Warnock was sacked by Leeds.  Quite how so many managers are given one job after another for being atrocious (and making millions whilst there at it) is beyond me.  Warnock is said to be taking time out to promote his book.  Why on earth does Neil Warnock have a book deal?  What is wrong with the world?  Elsewhere, the Champions League provided some cracking goals and enjoyable games despite NOT ONE ENGLISH TEAM BEING IN IT!!!!  The media were left shocked that the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid and Bayern Munich were able to produce watchable football without the involvement of the Greatest League in the World (TM).  Thankfully, David Beckham made an appearance for PSG to make life worth living again.  Adrian Chiles reckoned Barcelona did not win because they were starstruck in D-Becks' presence.  Adrian Chiles is a tool.

Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Walsall vs Sheffield Utd - Home win - 17/10

Dundee Utd vs Aberdeen - Draw - 9/4

MK Dons vs Crawley - Home win - 10/11

Clyde vs Berwick - Draw - 5/2

Birmingham vs Millwall - Away win - 11/5

£1 @ 187/1

Another super-exciting bet this week, it's no wonder we're switching sports!  Four points separate Walsall and Sheffield Utd but the Blades have three games in hand over most of their League 1 rivals.  A 4-0 win over cash-strapped Coventry last week will have given the home-side confidence.  Dundee Utd play host to Aberdeen with both teams chasing a top 6 finish.  Craig Brown will take charge of the Dons for the last time in this clash, with Derek McInnes due to take up the reins.  The outgoing manager has claimed that he has 'left a legacy' for the new boss.  He really is full of shit.  Another close tie in League 1 as there are three points between MK Dons and Crawley.  Both could be outside bets for a play-off spot, but Dons boss Karl Robinson could be Championship bound anyway after being linked with the vacancy at Leeds.  Clyde have little left to play for this season, sitting five points clear of the bottom but ten points from the play-off spots.  However, Berwick are just one point from fourth place and will be eyeing the chance of promotion.  Birmingham and Millwall take on each other in probably the most pointless game of this week's bet.  Sitting 11th and 15th respectively, neither are in threat of relegation or challenging for promotion.  Both teams are in similar form so this one could go either way.  Not the most exciting bet this week but at least the odds are good.  

A huge 187 smackers will be heading for the Bobby Moore Fund should a miracle happen and The Grambler actually predicts more than two correct results.

Grand National 2013

Horse - Odds

Chicago Grey - 12/1 @ 50p EW

What A Friend - 50/1 @ 50p EW

Mumbles Head - 100/1 @ 50p EW

My immense knowledge of horse racing normally amounts to picking horses based purely on the name.  So for my in-depth analysis, each horses chances of winning are based purely on how good their moniker is...  First up, Chicago Grey; the odds are pretty good for this one and at present it is 5th favourite to win.  Chicago is an incredibly nice city, proving that this horse surely has a great chance of winning.  However, grey is quite a dull colour so it will definitely come second.  Makes sense, no?  What A Friend is a bit of an outsider but must surely stand a chance with such a happy name.  I imagine that his racing abilities are limited but he gets along ridiculously well with every other horse and always shares his sweets, there is not an enemy amongst them.  On this basis, the other horses might let him win just to be nice.  At 100/1, Mumbles Head doesn't stand a chance.  And no wonder with a name like that!  Conjuring images of a confused and lonely old man, potentially and alcoholic, this horse is inevitably bullied by many of the other horses.  Not by What A Friend though, he's too nice.

John McCririck eat your heart out!  No seriously, please do.  Live on TV.  Actually, I'm going to find out what the odds on that happening are...

Week 28: All hail Pope Franny Jeffers the First!

Ah, the excitement of Grambling!  Or it is slightly more exciting anyway, thanks to the New! Improved flavour! Grambler.  Last weekend saw us reach half past 5 in the afternoon with two bets still in with a chance of winning...  That,s right, TWO BETS!!! And in a somewhat strange twist of events... One of them actually won!  Granted, it was only £4.50 (damn you Edin Dzeko, you were supposed to score!) but every little helps as we attempt to bring down the bastarding super-villain better known as El Cancero.  With that win, The Grambler (with help from The Grasmblerzhgi) has raised £88.53 for the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Hooray!

It makes sense to stick the format which brought mild success last week so we have a further three bets to enjoy this weekend.  If you don't want to know the full-time scores, look away now:

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Celtic vs Aberdeen - Home win - 1/4

Annan vs Clyde - Home win - 4/5

Coventry vs Hartlepool - Home win - 8/11

MK Dons vs Tranmere - Draw - 9/4

Forfar vs Stenhousemuir - Away win - 23/10

50p @ 41/1

"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes..."   So sang William Hague, or some other person; I'm not really sure.  Such is the excitement of this week's opening bet.  Can ya feel it!?  No?  Ok , it is slightly dull and for some reason, Coventry keep appearing - perhaps taking all of their turns whilst the club still exists?  There is a potential slip-up for SPL leaders Celtic as Aberdeen travel South... Annan vs Clyde sounds more like a case being dragged through the civil law courts...  Tranmere will still be hopeful of topping League One and a win in Milton Keynes could move them to second spot...  And Stenhousemuir are just not going to beat Forfar but will enjoy the trip and have the chance to stop for some bridies on the way home.

Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9

Aston Villa vs QPR - Draw - 12/5

Man Utd vs Reading - Home win - 1/7

£1 @ 4.6/1

In this weekend's actually interesting bet, the odds are low but the chances of winning are (hopefully) high.  We start at White Hart Lane where Spurs take on Fulham.  Spurs are one of the top teams on form in the Premiership right now but a loss to Liverpool last weekend prevented them from cementing their stranglehold on third place.  Speaking of form, Aston Villa are a bit crap.  The gamble of bringing in Paul Lambert as manager has not quite paid off, but the fans don't mind because he's not Alex McLeish.  Speaking of managers, QPR's Harry Redknapp... Actually, I'm not going to bother.  In other QPR news, on-loan Spurs winger Andros Townsend this week admitted that he's not Gareth Bale, ending month's of speculation.  And a formality to round things off as champions-elect Man Utd take on managerless relegation-fodder Reading.  And according to one journalist, Brian McDermott got the sack because owner Anton Zingarevic didn't find him sexy enough.  Paulo di Canio seems to have emerged as a frontrunner for the vacancy; a folk- hero loved by the people for his crazy antics.  Like being a horrible, violent, self-professed fascist.  Ah crazy Paulo, what will he do next?

Bet 3: Three goalscorer 'anytime' accumulator

Scorer - Game - Odds

Wayne Rooney - Man Utd vs Reading - 1/2

Santi Cazorla - Swansea vs Arsenal - 9/4

Shane Long - Stoke vs West Brom - 9/4

50p @ 15/1

This week's 'anytime goalscorer' bet kicks off with a man who has been in the news a lot recently.  Sir Alex Ferguson this week assured the fans that Wayne Rooney would not be sold at the end of the season, which in Sir's terms generally means he's going to sell him at the end of the season.  Rooney is getting slower, fatter, balder and uglier (wasn't that a Daft Punk song?), but PSG have been linked with a big-money move for the man who can still score plenty of goals.  Santi Cazorla has been one of the brighter points of Arsenal's season as they have crashed out of competition after competition.  Following their narrow failure to survive in the Champions League this week, Arsene Wenger will be expecting a positive reaction.  Can Cazorla assist with a goal?  All signs point to maybe... And finally, Shane Long has already provided West Brom with a respectable six goals this season.  But unfortunately for him, the only reason anyone remembers his name is because he has partenered Simon Cox for club and country.  Making a strike duo of Long - Cox.  Fnar fnar!

A humongous total of £50 is up for grabs this week as The Grambler promises all of the excitement of an episode of Fun House, but without the fun house.  Or the mullet.  Or the go-karts.  Or the twins.  Or the chance to win a fleece.  There is actually very little by way of comparison now that I think about it...

Week 27: Vote Grambler for President of Venezuela!

Still buzzing from the success of The Gramblerzghi last weekend, I have become all the more determined to win some bets and send the proceeds over to the Bobby Moore Fund to assist in the war against bowel cancer; a war which has raged on for 87 years during which time a number of frankly unspeakable war crimes have been committed.

This determination has brought a massive realisation during a brief moment of clarity. In the old format, I did not win very much. With that in mind, famous popular music singer David Bowie has announced "The Grambler is ch-ch-ch-changing.". Poor old guy never did get round to working on that stutter...

So instead of one highly unlikely bet, we now have one highly unlikely bet plus two potential (but unlikely) winners.  The odds on the second and third bets are rather low but any winnings are good winnings.  So without much Freddy Adu, I present to you the all new Grambler (which I'll probably only stick with for one week before becoming lazy and complacent.)

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game, Result, Odds
Stranraer vs Albion Rovers, Home win, 7/10
Scunthorpe vs Coventry, Home win, 2/1
Peterborough vs Ipswich, Away win, 2/1
Birmingham vs Derby, Home win, 13/8
St Johnstone vs Kilmarnock, Home win, 10/11
50p @ 76/1

Bet the first is pretty much the same as the usual farfetched Grambler bet.  Once again, a win looks unlikely here... Perhaps 3 out of the 5 will come out correct.  However, whilst said scenario is possibly the best outcome, them pets don't win prizes as Dale Winton used to say... Actually, I'm not sure that he ever did say that.  I was about to Tweet him and ask but the only accounts for him seem to be fake. So I tweeted original PWP host Danny Baker instead.  


Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game, Result, Odds
Man City vs Barnsley, Home win, 1/7
West Brom vs Swansea, Home win, 29/20
Norwich vs Southampton, Draw, 12/5
50p @ 9/1

Our second bet aims to make The Grambler a touch more exciting by focusing purely on the Bestest League in the World.  For most people, the Premiership represents more exciting football than Torquay vs Accrington Stanley.  So by placing a bet only on Premiership games, the weekend may not be ruined even though the early kick off League Two game has already lost the main bet.  The FA Cup includes many top tier teams this weekend so these games have been included, hence the presence of Barnsley. The bet is not too shabby; Man City are the clear favourites in their match, West Brom have tremendous home form behind them and both Norwich and Southampton are prone to draws.  I should really have included a joke about Tevez putting City in the driving seat just there...

Bet 3: Three man anytime goalscorer accumulator from the Premiership
Player, Odds
Romelu Lukaku, 6/5
Edin Dzeko, 8/13
Steven Fletcher, 6/4
50p @ 8/1

Mixing things up a little, we have a goalscorer bet for the first time ever.  This is a historical moment, perhaps on as par with the moment that the Pope assassinated Trotsky on the moon.  Picked via random number generator from a list of all Premiership players to have scored 5 or more goals this season, the results are interesting.  West Brom's on-loan Lukaku has been in good form recently, whilst Dzeko can be good for a goal if Man City are in control...  The main problem is that he may not start.  Finally, Sunderland's Steve Fletcher has 10 goals thus far, most of which have come at home.  Unfortunately they are away to Ol' Melty Face Redknapp's QPR this afternoon.  Still, this bet may just make this afternoon's Grambling that little bit more enthralling.


A massive total of £48.50 up for grabs today from a £1.50 bet.  Should this format come anywhere close to success I'll be sticking to it.  Otherwise, I'll be doing a Cardinal Keith and pretending that this never happened...

Happy Gramblin!

Week 26 Results: Complimenti! Sapevamo che ce l'avresti fatta!

Well The Grambler did get one prediction correct on Saturday... The prediction that the bet presented was a steaming pile of monkey faeces.  Of the five predictions made last weekend, one... yes that's right, ONE was correct.  This would normally be quite disheartening but for once I shall not be dwelling upon this hopeless, embarrassing, depressing result.

For you see, last weekend was not entirely wasted as The Grambler's official Serie A partner The Gramblerzhgi has been raking it in!  For those you not in-the-know, The Gramblerzhgi has been running for the past seven weeks and is the brainchild of our very own Italian correspondent Andino Tinicelli.  The Gramblerzhgi has placed a number of bets each week at random using the games of Serie A, top goalscorers and occasional other bets that I probably don't even understand.  And this weekend, it paid off with a win of £25 (approximately €29.02)!  Sig. Tinicelli has kindly agreed to get on board with The Grambler and donate the money to them lovely peoples at the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Take that cancer, you shit!

This brings the total raised by The Grambler/Gramblerzhgi to....

Hopefully the first of many wins for Sig. Tinicelli!  You can follow the exploits of The Gramblerzhgi via the Grambler Facebook page every weekend or over on that Twitter @Gramblerzhgi.  And don't forget, you can join the fundraising action by following the link to the Bobby Moore Fund on the right-hand menu.  Do it!

Week 26: Or Week 221 in dog years.

BREAKNG NEWS!: An inquest to be held over the lack of successful predictions made by The Grambler. A spokesman for the genderless spreadsheet confirmed "there has been unrest caused by the terrible results selected by him/her.  We have demanded an investigation to identify why he/she continuously coerces us into placing awful bets."  The inquest will be led by Lord Benjamin Terence Parsnip Poshington III and findings are to be presented by January 2015.  

Basically, I'm admitting that I won nothing last week.
Moving on to this week's bet and there's no point in beating about the bush, I may as well just say it; we're screwed already. Game over, man, game over!  If this bet actually wins anything, I will eat a huge platter of IKEA brand horse balls. It's almost worth placing a bet on the opposite of The Grambler's choices, although I'm not too sure what the opposite of a draw is...

So now that I've built up your expectations, here's that bet...

Game 1: Arbroath vs Ayr United
Prediction: Home win
Starting out with the big one, we head for Arbroath for some smokies and some Second Division football.  It's the Red Lichties against the Honest Men in this battle of teams with slightly strange but at least original nicknames.  Only two places separate the two in the league table... but Arbroath are looking to move into the promotion playoff places with a win whilst the visitors will hope to avoid being dragged into a relegation dog fight with a loss.  The home side lost 2-1 when hosting leaders Alloa last weekend and Ayr suffered from a similar scoreline at home to Stenhousemuir.  Form does not tell us much but could The Grambler get off to a good start with a win from the Smokiemunchers? Player/manager Paul Sheer in, in an exclusive Grambler interview, said "maybe."
Odds on this result: 7/2

Game 2: Brentford vs Scunthorpe United
Prediction: Home win
The excitement continues as we head down the country to Griffin Park as the Bees take on the Iron in this contest between two sides with less exciting nicknames.  Uwe Rosler's Brentford team are flying high in League One and still in with a chance of promotion as the season run-in begins; Rosler proving that he is more than just a useful signing in 1997/98 Championship Manager.  Fresh from putting up a brave fight against horrible, horrible Chelsea in the FA Cup, the Bees won 2-1 at Crawley last week to take them 5th in the league and just four points from the top.  At the other end of the table, Brian Laws is nervously glancing back as his Scunthorpe side sit just three points from the relegation zone.  A 1-0 win at Stevenage last weekend would have allowed United to breathe a sigh of relief but they are still at risk of dropping into League Two, thus heaping shame upon local celebrity and BBC weatherman Darren Bett.   Odds on this result: 7/10

Game 3: Coventry City vs Swindon Town
Prediction: Draw
Staying in League Two, and two teams that have been in the headlines recently for different reasons.  First up Coventry, who continue to do their financial situation huge favours by refusing to submit their accounts to the league for the third season running, thus ensuring a fine and another transfer embargo.  Fantastic work from all involved with the running of this club!  City are however still fairing well in the league, in 8th place and still within reach of the playoffs.  Back to back away wins sandwiched a home loss, so home form is not everything.  Meanwhile, Swindon are feeling the effects of breaking up with a psychotic girlfriend manager as well known mentalist Paulo Di Canio walked out on the club, broke back in to steal paintings and is now threatening to sue for some reason or another.  Mostly because he's a mentalist.  The team are soaring in the league though, currently in 4th position.  Former Aston Villa coach Kevin MacDonald has just been installed as manager and will be looking to start his reign with a good result.  His brother, Steve from Coronation Street, will be cheering him on.
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 4: Everton vs Reading
Prediction: Away win
This is where it starts to get a bit unlikely.  Everton could close the gap on Arsenal with a win today whilst Reading look almost certainly doooooomed.  Yet The Grambler has picked the underdogs to win this tie at Goodison Park.  Stranger things have happened... In fact, just last week, the Toffees visited Carrow Road where they were surprisingly humbled by Norwich.  But surely David Moyes will not let this happen two weeks in a row?  Goalkeeper Tim Howard could be ruled out through injury which may give Reading hope.  The Royals are second bottom in the Premiership at the moment and look destined to join QPR back in the Championship.  But it was famously a late surge last season that earned Reading their place in the top tier and Brian McDermott will be hoping for more of the same in the last 13 games of this season.  If it helps to include the opinion of two extremely unlikeable twats, Mark Lawrenson says 2-0 to Everton and Piers Morgan goes with the same prediction.  But then remember, Hulk Hogan was better at predicting results than the 'expert' ( I'm not letting that one go, it's my licence fee dammit!)
Odds on this result: 9/1

Game 5: Hearts vs Motherwell
Prediction: Home win
Now we're just being silly... Motherwell, of course, defeated current champions Celtic on Wednesday to become Official Scottish Champions (that's how it works, right?)  Despite an embarrassing 3-0 defeat to Ross County last weekend, the Well bounced back in style to move second in the SPL once again.  European football could be coming to Fir Park yet again, and along with the return of King James of McFadden, things are looking up in Lanarkshire.  Meanwhile, Hearts did what they do best this week - sacked another manager.  John McGlynn, no one really knew how he got the job as manager anyway, walked away with his side comfortably in 11th place and with just two wins in the last ten games.  Vladimir Romanov is understood to be considering appointing fictional Lithuanian Jurgis Rudkus, the protagonist of Upton Sinclair's novel The Jungle, to the post.
Odds on this result: 6/4

As this week's bet is so ridiculous, the odds are massive... 649/1 massive! Being the sensible type that I am, I am only sticking 50p on this coupon (hey, big spender!) to save the pennies for another Grambler.  Should I win, I may go mental at the thought of losing 300 odd quid, but I won't (possibly file under 'famous last words').

Remember to join us on Facebook, where our Italian correspondent Andrea Tinnieto supplies the predictions for The Gramblerzhgi, The Grambler's Series A bambino.

And don't Grambler and drive! 

Week 24: With 32% extra indifference!

It's Saturday morning once again, time to sit down with your feet up, a nice big cup of tea/coffee/Um Bongo and get stuck into this week's edition of The Grambler.  Last week did not go too well but then again, if you view it with the same endless optimism as Brendan Rodgers, it was an almost flawless performance!

And it should be an exciting one this week.  The glamour and romance of the FA Cup returns with some exciting ties taking place; non-league heroes Luton take on Millwall, Brentford have the chance to cause an upset at Chelsea and fallen greats Leeds take on Manchester City.  So which of these exciting games will The Grambler choose?  Em, none of them actually.  It's a ridiculously dull week and even at that, the predictions look unlikely.  But I am due some good luck so maybe this could be the week?

Game 1: Fleetwood Town vs Burton Albion
Prediction: Home win
This could be an important tie in the race for a the League Two  title.  The two teams are 5th and 6th respectively, separated by goal-difference alone.  However, Fleetwood have one game in hand over their opponents and a win today could take them into an automatic promotion spot.  Graham Alexander's men have exceeded expectations on their football league début and a promotion this season would be a massive achievement.  Burton have improved dramatically from last season, where they only managed a 17th place finish in the league.  They will be hopeful of making it five games without defeat today at the Highbury Stadium.
Odds on this result: Evens

Game 2: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
And from the excitement of League Two to the excitement of the Scottish Second Division, as the Loons play host to the Wasps.  Forfar currently sit 5th and are still in with a shout of a play-off place.  They have only lost three of their ten home games this season and top scorer Gavin Swankie already has 12 goals to his name.  Alloa are ten points clear of their opponents and sit in 2nd place following a good start to the season.  However, they have virtually no hope of catching runaway division leaders Queen of the South, who are 18 points clear at the top.  Alloa have only lost two games in their last ten and will be looking to continue this good form.  
Odds on this result: 11/8

Game 3: Bury vs Coventry City
Prediction: Home win
Bury are facing the threat of relegation to League Two after a poor season and manager Kevin Blackwell has said that expects his team to put up a fight to the very end.  In a disappointing season, the Shakers have only managed five wins in 31 attempts.  In their last ten games, they have mustered just one win.  The club recently had a transfer embargo lifted and have brought in former Hull and Derby striker Craig Fagan, who could get his first start today.  Coventry still have aspirations of promotion and are not too far from the play-off spots.  However, they have been plagued by managerial uncertainty this season and are now looking for their third manager of the campaign.  Mark Robins had taken the Sky Blues from the bottom of the table up to 8th, but his success caught the eye of Championship side Huddersfield who appointed him as manager midweek.  Caretaker Lee Carsley will be in charge today but could the change affect the teams performance?
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 4: Hearts vs Kilmarnock
Prediction: Away win
Despite paying some of the highest wages in the SPL (when they actually remember to pay them), Hearts currently sit 10th in the table.  The top and bottom spots in the SPL are all but decided but the rest is incredibly open and the Jam Tarts could still be in with a chance of 2nd place.  They added Scotland international Danny Wilson and promising youngster Michael Ngoo on loan from Liverpool in the transfer window and both have made an immediate impact.  Kilmarnock have had mixed fortunes throughout the season and have drawn a few more games than they would have liked.  A fine win against reigning world champions Motherwell last weekend was followed by a good draw at Inverness midweek, they will be aiming to build on this form.  Manager Kenny Shiels will be watching from the stands after a sending off in the Inverness game.  His reaction was to climb on top of the dug out.  He appears to be a bit of a mental. 
Odds on this result: 3/1

Game 5: Ipswich Town vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
Ipswich make their second Grambler appearance in a row.  In a rare correct prediction, they lost to Blackburn last weekend.  Could the Tractorboys remain Grambler friendly with a victory this time around?  Ipswich may see a home game against managerless Blackpool as a good chance to move clear of the relegation zone.  They will also be encouraged by the fact that Blackpool have never won at Portman Road.  Blackpool started the season well but have been hampered by managerial change, with both Ian Holloway and Michael Appleton head-hunted by fellow Championship clubs.  The latest name to be linked to the vacancy is former England international Paul Ince whose son Tom currently stars for the Seasiders.  However, Ince has not exactly had a breathtaking managerial career and Blackpool may instead continue to pursue their number one target, Owen Coyle.  In the reverse fixture earlier in the season, Blackpool thrashed Ipswich 6-0.
Odds on this result: 8/5

It's not a great bet this weekend but not entirely inconceivable.  With a few away wins in there, the odds have risen to a respectable 167/1.  Or to put it in terms that we all understand, a £1 bet will get you 13.91 Grambler t-shirts!

Week 23 Results: Straight from the horse's mouth.

Something is not right.  As I understand, whenever a retired figure returns to their field of excellence, it results in miraculous success with many scenes of joy in slow motion backed by a Westlife or Snow Patrol soundtrack.  It worked for Lance Armstrong.  Oh wait, hang on... 

The result could have been very different this week though.  Three of our five predictions were correct, which is not all that bad.  The other two games were both going swimmingly.  Both Inverness and Leicester led by a goal and it looked like some money could be heading our way.  Or it least it would have looked like that had Inverness not blown my coupon by lunchtime, deeming the rest of the afternoon a waste of time.

Ah well, at least it's not as embarrassing as the revelation that BBC Football 'expert' Mark Lawrenson has a lesser knowledge of football than Hulk Hogan.

The results in full were:

Blackburn Rovers  1 - 0  Ipswich Town

A messy goal from a goalmouth scramble was the only difference in a scrappy game at Ewood Park.  Scotland striker Jordan Rhodes has claimed the goal as the last Rovers player to touch the ball but Ipswich keeper Stephen Henderson is probably due credit too.

Inverness CT  1 - 3  Celtic

Celtic fielded a relatively weakened team ahead of their Champions League clash with Juventus but, despite taking the lead, Inverness failed to take advantage of this.  Second half goals from Rami Gershon and Miku ensured the visitors left with three points.

Peterborough United  2 - 1  Leicester City

A much needed win for the Posh to keep their survival hopes alive.  Leicester blew the chance to close the gap on Cardiff as a late Grant McCann strike sealed the win for the home team. 

Swansea City  4 - 1  Queens Park Rangers

Michu remembered where the net was to bag a brace in a fine win for the Swans.  'Arry's QPR are adrift at the bottom of the Premiership, four points from 19th placed Wigan (although if you take a look back at the Lawro link, you'll see that they are 7th going by his predictions.)

Queen of the South  2 - 1  Stenhousemuir

The Doonhammers moved 18 points clear at the top of the Second Division following a narrow win.  Derek Young and Chris Mitchell had given the home side a comfortable lead but Mark Corcoran pulled one back for the visitors.

One new betting market has appeared this week, namely the installation of a new Pope.  I decided that it would be worthwhile to somehow allow The Grambler to give a prediction on this, so I painstakingly compiled a list of every man on earth for His Randomness to choose from.  I can confirm that my money for the next Pope is on... Keith Gillespie.  You heard it here first!

I shall return next weekend, hopeful as ever of lifting the curse which has stopped us from winning the megabucks thus far.  On an unrelated note, are you looking to gain the respect of your friends, relatives, enemies or another miscellaneous grouping of people?  Click here for the answer to your prayers!

Week 23 (although we missed a few...): The much heralded return of The Grambler!

There comes a point in every player's career where they decide enough is enough, hang up the ol' boots, take off the ol' shin-guards and air out the ol' jockstrap.  Tradition stated that footballers would invest in a pub.  Or in Paul Gascoigne's case, drink the contents of several (oh shut up, it's topical!)

But for some players, the call of the beautiful game is too alluring.  Stanley Matthews played on until the age of 50.  Romario came out of retirement to go on to claim a (disputed) 1,000th career-goal.  More recently, Paul Scholes came out of retirement to prove that he could still trot around the midfield looking fat and ginger whilst occasionally scoring a screamer.   

So whilst injuries and ailments have curtailed what was a most promising Grambling career, there is no reason why I should throw in the towel just yet.  I have been in talks with my various agents who have all begged me to re-consider my knee-jerk retiral and I have decided to continue for the time being.  So watch out bowel cancer, I ain't done fighting you yet!  That massive multi-hundred pounds windfall for the Booby Moore Fund could be just a weekend away!

Oh, and did I mention the Grambler t-shirt?  I'm pretty sure that I mentioned the Grambler t-shirt.  You should buy a Grambler t-shirt!  A few people have already bought a Grambler t-shirt.  The Grambler t-shirt in question looks very nice too!

Game 1: Blackburn Rovers vs Ipswich Town
Prediction: Home win
Remember the days when Blackburn would appear here every week?  Well since then, they have apppointed approximately 143 managers.  Currently enjoying his 15 minutes in the hotseat is Michael Aplleton, who joined Rovers after a spell of five games in charge of Blackpool.  But his knowledge of chicken based products earned him the trust of the Ewood Park bosses and he has guided Rovers to a towering position of... em.. 13th in the Championship.  Rovers could give a début to new loan signing and popular entertainment act at children's birthday parties throughout Lancashire, DJ Campbell.  Ipswich have also been affected by managerial change this season.  Paul Jewell insisted that he could turn the Tractorboys' season around but was relieved of his duties back in October with the side dead bottom.  Mick McCarthy has since brought some stability but the club are only four points outside of the relegation zone.  They will also have to make-do without their top-scorer who bagged ten goals in the first half of the season only to return to his parent club in January.  The man in question?  Loan signing and popular entertainment act at children's birthday parties throughout Lancashire, DJ Campbell.
Odds on this result: Evens


Game 2: Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs Celtic
Prediction: Home win
It's a top of the table clash at the Tulloch Caledonian Stadium where 2nd will play host to 1st on a chilly Highland Saturday morning.  Exciting stuff!  Or it least, it would be if the championship was not already a foregone conclusion.  But ignoring top and bottom in the SPL, it's actually a rather exciting season.  Honest!  Just nine points separate 2nd top from 2nd bottom and the the race for second place in the absence of one half of the Old Firm (who are busy releasing some bizarre paranoia-fuelled statements about the media, so cringeworthy that anyone would think that they were written by Jim Traynor...) is wide open.  Terry Butcher has voiced concerns over the fitness of forwards Richie Foran and Andrew Shinnie, but if it comes to it, I'm sure he'll find some fresh meat.  Celtic will be favourites to win this match, without a doubt, but two things may stand in their way; 1) they have slipped up in this fixture in the past and 2) they may have one eye on a particularly bigger tie on Tuesday.  Namely, the Conference Premier battle between Cambridge United and Alfreton Town.  Celtic will be without Efe Ambrose who is either representing Nigeria at the African Cup of Nations or at a sales conference for creamy Devon Custard products.
Odds on this result: 9/2

Game 3: Peterborough United vs Leicester City
Prediction: Away win
Poorly Peterborough currently prop up the Championship table with a meagre 27 points.  One win in the last five attempts will have given the Posh faithful little to smile about, but it's not all bad news; they have only lost 60% of their home games this season.  Oh wait, it is all bad news.  To top of a miserable spell for the side, club captain and notable prankster Gabriel Zakuani has been charged with animal cruelty for stapling a blindfold on to George Boyd's guide dog.  Meanwhile, Leicester are riding high and sipping champagne-substitute in the lofty perch of 2nd place.  Despite a 10 point gap between the Foxes and top-side Cardiff, Leicester are the only team in the league to have managed a 100% record for their games played in 2013.  Can they hold their nerve for an automatic promotion spot?  According to this source: Maybe!  The sides have met already this season, Leicester emerging victorious thanks to goals from King and Morgan.  Or some guy called King Morgan, my records are a little jumbled.
Odds on this result: 7/10

Game 4: Swansea City vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Home win
For the past two years, Swansea have been everyone's Yeah, I Don't Really Support Them But They're Nice To Watch And I Like To See Them Win As Long As It Is Not Against My Own Team team.  Their blend of stylish football under Brendan Rodgers has been replaced by a blend of stylish football under Michel Laudrup and let's face it, everyone currently has a bit of a man-crush on Michu.  But stylish football only counts for so much and the Swans have only won 2 in 10.  In 5 of those games, they failed to score a single goal.  With Laudrup selling Danny Graham in the transfer window without replacing him, and Michu going 6 games without a goal, can they maintain their top-six status?  QPR have had a tough season.  I would have liked to have seen them turn it around and survive, I really would.  But then they appointed Harry Redknapp.  (Alleged) tax-evader, (alleged) bribe-taker, player tapper-upper, best-buddies-with-the-media, smug, 'England's saviour', wheeler-dealer... He really is the most unlikeable bawbag in football, isn't he?  Coming in as QPR manager, he promised new tactics and a fresh outlook... Of course he didn't!  I was just kidding!  He waited for the transfer window, hung out of his car window all day chatting up the journos and threw piles and piles of cash at players!  £12 million for Samba?  I'll take three!  Loic Remy wants how much a week?  Double it!  With any luck they will go down, but loveable 'Arry will jump ship, blame the chairman and find a bank account in a dead pet's name full of cash to enjoy, whilst Henry Winter and the other dinosaurs in the football media push for him to get a knighthood.  As for QPR?  Financial ruin.  Players leaving for minimal fees.  Wage promises that cannot be fulfilled.  How are Portsmouth doing these days?  Top, top lad, that 'Arry is!  Summary: I don't like him.
Odds on this result: 5/6


Game 5: Queen of the South vs Stenhousemuir
Prediction: Home win
And this week's Grambler fizzles out there, with a trip to the Scottish Second Division where league-leaders Queen of the South take on a Stenhousemuir side which has faltered around the table's midway point for most of the season.  Queens' manager Allan Johnston has his side playing with mucho confidence at the moment and this is shown in their record of eight wins and a draw in the last nine games.  Surprisingly, Johnston is a) The Alan Johnston who was capped 18 times by Scotland (mostly by Berti 'everyone gets a cap!' Vogts) and b) Still playing despite being 56.  With odds of 9/1 to take all three points from this game, the visitors may not fancy their chances.  But fans may be placated purely by the fact that their team has a player called Daniel Exposito-Hepburn.  Seriously, read that name again... It has everything!  I can imagine a Bond villain, Hollywood star, royal family hanger-on and corrupt African diamond mine owner rolled into one.  See what your missing out on, BBC?  Stay tuned for more expert analysis courtesy of The Grambler!  
Odds on this result: 2/7

Which brings us to a grand total 44/1 for this weeks proud return to the Grambling arena.  Not a bad bet really, the main cause for concern is obviously our trip to the Highlands for the SPL game but Juventus beckon for Celtic and a hiccup would be understandable.

With that over and done with, it's time to take of the ol' boots off once again and pour a nice cuppa to reflect upon a glorious career... One which may now continue into the twilight years (or months(or weeks)).

Week 22: C'est le Grambler finalment!

It was with great sadness that I bring news of the end.  For real this time, none of yer fake Mayan nonsense. 

Many of you who have followed The Grambler will know that I started this project as a pet-project whilst recovering from bowel cancer surgery.  I wanted to combine the awesome power of betting with the awesome power of football gambling to raise money and awareness against the evil power of bowel cancer, having been diagnosed at far too young an age myself.

Unfortunately, my condition has taken a turn for the worse over the past few weeks and I shall soon be departing for the Great Ladbrokes in the Sky.  Perhaps most frustratingly (although probably not) is that I will not be able to finish this season's Grambling.  But after 22 weeks, a MASSIVE £59.03 in winnings, almost 4,000 visitors from around the world and a lorra, lorra laughs/groans, we have reached the end.   I am proud of this project in an odd way and thankful to everyone who took the time to visit.

But worry ye not, The Grambler may some day rise from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix, with Grambler fan and awesome fatherperson Papa Grambler keen to take on the project.  Stay tuned and you may well see a return for the 2013/14 season, full of awful jokes, awful puns and awful predictions.  It would make me proud!

I urge anyone who reads this to head over to the Cancer Research Information on Bowel Cancer website and have a look around.  It is a cancer which is increasingly affecting younger men and it would help so much if people simply knew what to watch out for.

Here is proof of the donation to the good people at the Bobby Moore Fund:

Unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to get the giant novelty cheque made up!  Had I made it to the end of the season, it would inevitably have been millions, but they will have to settle for almost £60 for now.  You too could donate in honour of The Grambler by clicking the link in the side bar.

Which leaves me nothing to say other than the following:

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu...

Best Premiership winning back-four of the noughties!

Santé!

Week 19: Merry apocalyptic Christmas!

"Debris Snow is falling, all around me

Children fending for themselves in a wasteland comparable to Mad Max II 

playing - having fun,

It's the end of the world, we're doomed! Swallow the cyanide now to avoid the horrible pain!

season for love and understanding,

Merry apocalypse Christmas everyone!"

And so it appears that the end of the world never came to fruition... yet again.  Perhaps I should ask The Grambler to predict when the apocalypse will genuinely come and then lead a band of obsessives into a mass suicide... Anyone up for it?

I was all set for saving my money and time and avoiding doing a Grambler this week on the basis that we'd all be dead anyway.  But unfortunately, this is not the case.  So I suppose I'd best force as many contrived Christmas puns as possible into the following to appease our festive overlords. 

Game 1: Snowmanchester City vs Rudolph the Reading Nosed Reindeer

Prediction: Home win

City aim to keep the pressure on rivals Manchestnuts United who currently sit 6 points ahead at the top of the Premiership.  They have not been in the best of form of late with only two wins in the last five matches.  The current champions will have to make do without midfielder Santa Nasri and controversial striker the Virgin Mario Balotelli.  Reading have lost six games on the trot and have the divisions worst away record, with just 2 points from a possible 27.  The Royals are currently the Premiership's stocking fillers and Brian McDermott may have to be queueing outside of Debenhams on Boxing Day morning in the hope of finding that bargain striker to keep his side up.

Odds on this result: 1/7

Game 2: Tottenham Hohohotspur vs Stoke the Log Fire City

Prediction: Home win

Spurs are level on points with Chelsea in the chase for third place in the Premiership.  The White (Christmas) Hart Lane side have developed a habit of conceding late goals this season, Andre Villas Boas will hope that his side do not offer any gifts to the opposition attackers today.  Striker Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel Adebayor faces a late fitness test.  Stoke have proved to be a hard side to defeat this season and currently inhabit 9th place in the league.  However, the Potters have won only one away game this term.  Midfielder Charlie Adam will miss out today as he has been granted compassionate leave.  

Odds on this result: 8/13

Game 3: Notts Countying Down the Days 'til Xmas vs Sleighton Orient

Prediction: Home win

Getting into the true Christmas spirit, Notts County have confirmed that this game is off as a result of flooding at Meadow Lane.  

Odds on this result: 11/10

Game 4: Celturkey vs Cranberry Sauce County

Prediction: Home win

It has been a big week for Celtic as they drew European giants Yuleventus in the next round of the Champions League, but it's back to SPL duty as they aim to keep the pressure on inevitable champions Motherwell.  Injured forward duo Kris Kringle Commons and Anthony Stokes will be playing charades in the stand.   County started the season brightly but now find themselves slipping towards the bottom spot.  They will be outsiders today so will hope that fellow Highlanders Inverness can do them a favour by beating bottom side Dundee.

Odds on this result: 1/6

Game 5: Coventry Once In Royal David's City vs Preston North Pole

Prediction: Draw

Just one point separates these two sides in League Two.  Coventry were impressive last week in their 4-1 demolition of Little Donkeycaster, whilst Preston managed to take a single point away to Portsmouth.  Sky Blues manager Mark Red, Red Robins faces a dilemma over his striking choices as stand-in Adam Barton impressed in last week's win.  Preston's Christmas Robertson returns from suspension and could go straight back into the starting eleven in place of Shane Cansdell-Sherriff, who starts a two match ban.

Odds on this result: 12/5

Slim pickings this week, the draw is not too far-fetched and one cancellation leaves us with a poor 14/1.  But we are surely due a win, maybe Santa will make it my present this year?

That is all from the apocalyptic Christmas special, as one famous philosopher once said "have another rock n' roll Christmas".

And an old classic joke to finish on:

Darth Vader: "I know what you are getting for Christmas..."

Luke Skywalker: "What is Christmas?"

Vader: "Nevermind that, you're ruining my punchline."

Skywalker: "But seriously, you appear to be referencing a religious tradition from an insignificant planet many millions of light-years away, one of which no one in this series has ever suggested any knowledge of it's existence, why would we be celebrating this event?"

Vader: "Just shut up for a minute and play along with the joke!"

Skywalker: "Okay then..."

Vader: "I know what you are getting for Christmas, Luke..."

Skywalker: (feigning surprise) "What? How could you?"

Vader: "Because like any good parent, I have paid close attention to your hobbies and interests and used this holiday as a time to show my love for you through thoughtful gifts."

Skywalker: "Aaaaaw, I love you dad!"

(title music)

Week 18: Preparing for Billy Crystalmas!

Tis the season to be jolly, falalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!  Or so the old song goes, but it's hard to be jolly when The Grambler insists on presenting me with ridiculously inaccurate predictions!  With one game cancelled due to the weather last weekend, only four needed to be accurate.  And the bet was not unreasonable as such.  It was the best chance in months to win a wad of dosh for the Bobby Moore Fund.  But what happened?  A measly ONE out of four results came up, that's what happened!  And it was probably the one in which I had the least confidence... Liverpool winning?  That's just absurd!

This week sees the return of the SUPER MEGA GRAMBLER BONUS BET!!! so we are all but guaranteed a winner.  And to quote famous footballing personality Peter Beardsley, "I trust The Grambler to the extent that I sold my house and all of my possessions so that I could place the proceeds on this bet.  Also, I'm well chuffed with my It's A Wonderful Life tee shirt available now at RedBubble..."

Game 1: Bolton Wanderers vs Charlton Athletic

Prediction: Home win

Bolton have won just one in seven games under Dougie Freedman and a quick return to the Premiership is looking increasingly unlikely.  Currently languishing in 18th place in the Championship, Wanderers also have the worst shots to goals ration in the division.  Charlton are currently three points ahead of their opponents and just four from the play-off spots.  Celebrity fan Charlton Heston said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "I've played three presidents, three saints and two geniuses - and that's probably enough for any man."  Exactly. 

Odds on this result: 10/11

Game 2: Peterhead vs Annan Athletic

Prediction: Away win

Peterhead and Annan inhabit 6th and 7th places in Division Three respectively.  A win for the home side would double the gap between the two but Athletic could draw level on points with a victory.  Celebrity fan Kofi Annan said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "we have the means and the capacity to deal with our problems, if only we can find the political will." Indeed.

Odds on this result: 11/4

Game 3: Celtic vs St Mirren

Prediction: Home win

Celtic are momentarily four points clear of SPL title favourites Motherwell, much to the surprise of the nation.  The home side narrowly defeated Arbroath during the week in order to progress in the Scottish Cup.  Meanwhile, the Buddies find themselves uncomfortably close to the relegation spot in the SPL, but are still six points clear of bottom side Dundee.   

Celebrity fan Helen Mirren said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "flesh sells. People don't want to see pictures of churches. They want to see naked bodies."  Precisely.

Odds on this result: 1/5

Game 4: Norwich City vs Wigan Athletic

Prediction: Draw

Norwich have surprised many this season with some strong performances under Chris Hughton.  The Canaries were victorious in a seven-goal-thriller last weekend at Swansea but fell victim to former boss Paul Lambert's Aston Villa side during the week.Wigan have only won one of their last six games and currently sit in the relegation zone.  Celebrity fan Bradley Wiggins said of the away team's fortunes so far this season "I can’t account for where anyone else is at.  I'm better than I've ever been."  Absolutely.

Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 5: Queens Park vs Elgin City

Prediction: Home win

This game pits 3rd against 2nd in the Third Division and the winner could emerge as the main contenders to Glasgow Franchise Scheme FC for the title.  The home side defeated Annan 3-2 last weekend whilst Elgin were also winners at home to Clyde.  Celebrity fan The Queen said of the home team's fortunes so far this season "the British Constitution has always been puzzling and always will be."  Amen.

Odds on this result: 11/10

There is your main bet for this weekend and with odds of 60/1, we could all be £60-aires by Sunday!  You could be like me and donate said winnings to a good cause.  Or you could use it to kickstart a fund for your very own John Motson monkey. 

Also, seeing as it's nearly Christmas, here is a SUPER MEGA GRAMBLER BONUS BET!!! 

Game;Both teams to score?;Odds

Blackpool vs Blackburn; Yes; 4/7

Dunfermline vs Hamilton; Yes; 4/7

Birmingham vs Crystal Palace; No; 6/5

Oldham vs Swindon; No; 1/1

Dagenham & Redbridge; Yes; 8/13

Only 18/1 on that one, but a nice wee Brucie bonus if it comes off. 

Now go forth, and spread the good word of our almighty Grambler in peace.