Week 36: What the Hell do we do now!?

You may recall last season ending in rather dramatic fashion with that Aguero stoppage type goal against QPR prising the title from the clutches of Manchester United.  Well, this season is slightly different.  The relegation spots are filled, the title has been decided, runners-up are already in place and unless something ridiculous happens, Chelsea have have third sewn up.  So the only matter of interest is the race for fourth place.  Can you feel the excitement?  No, neither can I.  

There are of course play-off finals taking place which are far more exciting. With places up for grabs in the Championship and Premiership, Brentford will take on Yeovil tomorrow and Crystal Palace play Watford a week on Monday respectively.  And of course the Champions League final takes place next weekend so there is still something to look forward to.  But then, a whole summer without football!  Nooooooooooooooo!

This week's Grambler is made up entirely from Premiership games.  We have the usual three game accumulator and since it's the last round of games of the season... The Super Mega Awesome Grambler!  A ten game accumulator attempting to pick the winners of every Premiership games at random...  This is the bet that will prove whether there really are any footballing Gods supporting The Grambler!

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland - Home win - 2/7

West Brom vs Man Utd - Draw - 29/10

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Away win - 11/20

£1 @ 7/1

Oddly, The Grambler has managed to choose the only two games that actually matter in this accumulator, adding a little excitement to the proceedings.  Spurs will be hopeful of bettering Arsenal's result to pinch fourth place and the delicious Champions League football that comes with it.  Sunderland do not need to achieve anything following Wigan's midweek relegation but manager and horrible fascist (lest we forget) Paulo Di Canio might still have to prove to some supporters that he is the man to lead them next season.  Tickets are allegedly changing hands for thousands of pounds ahead of West Brom's tie against Man Utd.  This will of course be Sir Alex Ferguson's last game in charge and perhaps we should expect him to round off an illustrious career with a win.  The Baggies have also had a reasonable season and a point against the Champions would conclude things nicely.  Arsenal travel to Tyneside needing a win to secure fourth spot in the league but given the right results elsewhere, could force a 3rd/4th place play-off with Chelsea.  It is highly unlikely, however.  Newcastle will be relieved to find themselves safe having unexpectedly been dragged into a relegation fight towards the end of the season.  As with most teams at this stage of the season, they will no doubt still send out a strong starting line-up with instructions to win purely for the purposes of selling season tickets for next year.

Super Mega Awesome Grambler! accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Chelsea vs Everton - Home win - 8/11

Liverpool vs QPR - Draw - 6/1

Man City vs Norwich - Home win - 1/3

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Draw - 18/5

Southampton vs Stoke - Away win - 4/1

Swansea vs Fulham - Home win - 4/5

Spurs vs Sunderland - Draw - 5/1

West Brom vs Man Utd - Away win - 5/6

West Ham vs Reading - Home win - 4/6

Wigan vs Aston Villa - Away win - 13/5

50p @ 44,048/1

Check out those odds!  I am genuinely excited by this bet!  It is so horrendously wrong that it has to be right!  What a perfect way to round of the season that would be too.  I can then sell my story to the Daily Record or some equally poor 'newspaper', write the Grambler book over the summer, start recording my Christmas single in Autumn and by the end of the year, an estimated £1.6 million will on it's way to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research!  Not that I'm setting my hopes unreasonably high or anything...

We shall return next week for the final Grambler of the season, a Champions League special. And then, who knows...?

STOP PRESS!!!!
Exciting news as I have decided to add a Eurovision bet to this week's proceedings!  The Grambler has selected Russia, who this year shall be represented by Dina Garipova singing What If (which turns out not to be a Lightning Seeds cover).  I'm not sure about this choice... Russia were robbed last year as the singing grannies of Buranovskiye Babushki were by far the best act of the night but failed to take the gong, maybe this could be their year?  The Russian entry is 16/1 to win outright so I have bet a quid each way and any winnings will go to the usual charidee.  Here is Miss Garipova in action for those of you curious enough...

Week 28: All hail Pope Franny Jeffers the First!

Ah, the excitement of Grambling!  Or it is slightly more exciting anyway, thanks to the New! Improved flavour! Grambler.  Last weekend saw us reach half past 5 in the afternoon with two bets still in with a chance of winning...  That,s right, TWO BETS!!! And in a somewhat strange twist of events... One of them actually won!  Granted, it was only £4.50 (damn you Edin Dzeko, you were supposed to score!) but every little helps as we attempt to bring down the bastarding super-villain better known as El Cancero.  With that win, The Grambler (with help from The Grasmblerzhgi) has raised £88.53 for the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Hooray!

It makes sense to stick the format which brought mild success last week so we have a further three bets to enjoy this weekend.  If you don't want to know the full-time scores, look away now:

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Celtic vs Aberdeen - Home win - 1/4

Annan vs Clyde - Home win - 4/5

Coventry vs Hartlepool - Home win - 8/11

MK Dons vs Tranmere - Draw - 9/4

Forfar vs Stenhousemuir - Away win - 23/10

50p @ 41/1

"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes..."   So sang William Hague, or some other person; I'm not really sure.  Such is the excitement of this week's opening bet.  Can ya feel it!?  No?  Ok , it is slightly dull and for some reason, Coventry keep appearing - perhaps taking all of their turns whilst the club still exists?  There is a potential slip-up for SPL leaders Celtic as Aberdeen travel South... Annan vs Clyde sounds more like a case being dragged through the civil law courts...  Tranmere will still be hopeful of topping League One and a win in Milton Keynes could move them to second spot...  And Stenhousemuir are just not going to beat Forfar but will enjoy the trip and have the chance to stop for some bridies on the way home.

Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9

Aston Villa vs QPR - Draw - 12/5

Man Utd vs Reading - Home win - 1/7

£1 @ 4.6/1

In this weekend's actually interesting bet, the odds are low but the chances of winning are (hopefully) high.  We start at White Hart Lane where Spurs take on Fulham.  Spurs are one of the top teams on form in the Premiership right now but a loss to Liverpool last weekend prevented them from cementing their stranglehold on third place.  Speaking of form, Aston Villa are a bit crap.  The gamble of bringing in Paul Lambert as manager has not quite paid off, but the fans don't mind because he's not Alex McLeish.  Speaking of managers, QPR's Harry Redknapp... Actually, I'm not going to bother.  In other QPR news, on-loan Spurs winger Andros Townsend this week admitted that he's not Gareth Bale, ending month's of speculation.  And a formality to round things off as champions-elect Man Utd take on managerless relegation-fodder Reading.  And according to one journalist, Brian McDermott got the sack because owner Anton Zingarevic didn't find him sexy enough.  Paulo di Canio seems to have emerged as a frontrunner for the vacancy; a folk- hero loved by the people for his crazy antics.  Like being a horrible, violent, self-professed fascist.  Ah crazy Paulo, what will he do next?

Bet 3: Three goalscorer 'anytime' accumulator

Scorer - Game - Odds

Wayne Rooney - Man Utd vs Reading - 1/2

Santi Cazorla - Swansea vs Arsenal - 9/4

Shane Long - Stoke vs West Brom - 9/4

50p @ 15/1

This week's 'anytime goalscorer' bet kicks off with a man who has been in the news a lot recently.  Sir Alex Ferguson this week assured the fans that Wayne Rooney would not be sold at the end of the season, which in Sir's terms generally means he's going to sell him at the end of the season.  Rooney is getting slower, fatter, balder and uglier (wasn't that a Daft Punk song?), but PSG have been linked with a big-money move for the man who can still score plenty of goals.  Santi Cazorla has been one of the brighter points of Arsenal's season as they have crashed out of competition after competition.  Following their narrow failure to survive in the Champions League this week, Arsene Wenger will be expecting a positive reaction.  Can Cazorla assist with a goal?  All signs point to maybe... And finally, Shane Long has already provided West Brom with a respectable six goals this season.  But unfortunately for him, the only reason anyone remembers his name is because he has partenered Simon Cox for club and country.  Making a strike duo of Long - Cox.  Fnar fnar!

A humongous total of £50 is up for grabs this week as The Grambler promises all of the excitement of an episode of Fun House, but without the fun house.  Or the mullet.  Or the go-karts.  Or the twins.  Or the chance to win a fleece.  There is actually very little by way of comparison now that I think about it...

Week 26: Or Week 221 in dog years.

BREAKNG NEWS!: An inquest to be held over the lack of successful predictions made by The Grambler. A spokesman for the genderless spreadsheet confirmed "there has been unrest caused by the terrible results selected by him/her.  We have demanded an investigation to identify why he/she continuously coerces us into placing awful bets."  The inquest will be led by Lord Benjamin Terence Parsnip Poshington III and findings are to be presented by January 2015.  

Basically, I'm admitting that I won nothing last week.
Moving on to this week's bet and there's no point in beating about the bush, I may as well just say it; we're screwed already. Game over, man, game over!  If this bet actually wins anything, I will eat a huge platter of IKEA brand horse balls. It's almost worth placing a bet on the opposite of The Grambler's choices, although I'm not too sure what the opposite of a draw is...

So now that I've built up your expectations, here's that bet...

Game 1: Arbroath vs Ayr United
Prediction: Home win
Starting out with the big one, we head for Arbroath for some smokies and some Second Division football.  It's the Red Lichties against the Honest Men in this battle of teams with slightly strange but at least original nicknames.  Only two places separate the two in the league table... but Arbroath are looking to move into the promotion playoff places with a win whilst the visitors will hope to avoid being dragged into a relegation dog fight with a loss.  The home side lost 2-1 when hosting leaders Alloa last weekend and Ayr suffered from a similar scoreline at home to Stenhousemuir.  Form does not tell us much but could The Grambler get off to a good start with a win from the Smokiemunchers? Player/manager Paul Sheer in, in an exclusive Grambler interview, said "maybe."
Odds on this result: 7/2

Game 2: Brentford vs Scunthorpe United
Prediction: Home win
The excitement continues as we head down the country to Griffin Park as the Bees take on the Iron in this contest between two sides with less exciting nicknames.  Uwe Rosler's Brentford team are flying high in League One and still in with a chance of promotion as the season run-in begins; Rosler proving that he is more than just a useful signing in 1997/98 Championship Manager.  Fresh from putting up a brave fight against horrible, horrible Chelsea in the FA Cup, the Bees won 2-1 at Crawley last week to take them 5th in the league and just four points from the top.  At the other end of the table, Brian Laws is nervously glancing back as his Scunthorpe side sit just three points from the relegation zone.  A 1-0 win at Stevenage last weekend would have allowed United to breathe a sigh of relief but they are still at risk of dropping into League Two, thus heaping shame upon local celebrity and BBC weatherman Darren Bett.   Odds on this result: 7/10

Game 3: Coventry City vs Swindon Town
Prediction: Draw
Staying in League Two, and two teams that have been in the headlines recently for different reasons.  First up Coventry, who continue to do their financial situation huge favours by refusing to submit their accounts to the league for the third season running, thus ensuring a fine and another transfer embargo.  Fantastic work from all involved with the running of this club!  City are however still fairing well in the league, in 8th place and still within reach of the playoffs.  Back to back away wins sandwiched a home loss, so home form is not everything.  Meanwhile, Swindon are feeling the effects of breaking up with a psychotic girlfriend manager as well known mentalist Paulo Di Canio walked out on the club, broke back in to steal paintings and is now threatening to sue for some reason or another.  Mostly because he's a mentalist.  The team are soaring in the league though, currently in 4th position.  Former Aston Villa coach Kevin MacDonald has just been installed as manager and will be looking to start his reign with a good result.  His brother, Steve from Coronation Street, will be cheering him on.
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 4: Everton vs Reading
Prediction: Away win
This is where it starts to get a bit unlikely.  Everton could close the gap on Arsenal with a win today whilst Reading look almost certainly doooooomed.  Yet The Grambler has picked the underdogs to win this tie at Goodison Park.  Stranger things have happened... In fact, just last week, the Toffees visited Carrow Road where they were surprisingly humbled by Norwich.  But surely David Moyes will not let this happen two weeks in a row?  Goalkeeper Tim Howard could be ruled out through injury which may give Reading hope.  The Royals are second bottom in the Premiership at the moment and look destined to join QPR back in the Championship.  But it was famously a late surge last season that earned Reading their place in the top tier and Brian McDermott will be hoping for more of the same in the last 13 games of this season.  If it helps to include the opinion of two extremely unlikeable twats, Mark Lawrenson says 2-0 to Everton and Piers Morgan goes with the same prediction.  But then remember, Hulk Hogan was better at predicting results than the 'expert' ( I'm not letting that one go, it's my licence fee dammit!)
Odds on this result: 9/1

Game 5: Hearts vs Motherwell
Prediction: Home win
Now we're just being silly... Motherwell, of course, defeated current champions Celtic on Wednesday to become Official Scottish Champions (that's how it works, right?)  Despite an embarrassing 3-0 defeat to Ross County last weekend, the Well bounced back in style to move second in the SPL once again.  European football could be coming to Fir Park yet again, and along with the return of King James of McFadden, things are looking up in Lanarkshire.  Meanwhile, Hearts did what they do best this week - sacked another manager.  John McGlynn, no one really knew how he got the job as manager anyway, walked away with his side comfortably in 11th place and with just two wins in the last ten games.  Vladimir Romanov is understood to be considering appointing fictional Lithuanian Jurgis Rudkus, the protagonist of Upton Sinclair's novel The Jungle, to the post.
Odds on this result: 6/4

As this week's bet is so ridiculous, the odds are massive... 649/1 massive! Being the sensible type that I am, I am only sticking 50p on this coupon (hey, big spender!) to save the pennies for another Grambler.  Should I win, I may go mental at the thought of losing 300 odd quid, but I won't (possibly file under 'famous last words').

Remember to join us on Facebook, where our Italian correspondent Andrea Tinnieto supplies the predictions for The Gramblerzhgi, The Grambler's Series A bambino.

And don't Grambler and drive! 

Week 25: Scratch and sniff edition!

It has been an eventful week in the world of football, which in spite of it's name is not actually a planet but a metaphoric term used to encompass all of the happenings in football town (similarly, not a real town).  FIFA has announced that goal-line technology shall be in place at the next World Cup, which is obviously hugely important because Frank Lampard once scored a disallowed goal at a tournament in a game which was soundly lost anyway, didn't you know?  It's not like the media mention it often or anything... 

Meanwhile in the Champions League, Arsenal were outclassed by Bayern Munich, much to the surprise of ITV's football 'expert' Andy Townsend, who failed to realise that the Bundesliga leaders and last year's Champions League runner-up might actually be a bit good and didn't know that they might stand a chance against an Arsenal side who have failed to do anything of note since 2006... How do these people get a job in punditry?

And finally, the news that everyone has been talking about as the messiah returned home.  Yes, that's right... James MacFadden has re-signed for Motherwell.  After speculation across the globe, the Chosen One agreed one agreed to play in the sacred claret and amber until the end of the season, football fans from far and wide expressed their joy.  Potential Bolivian presidential candidate for 2014 Garcia Linera said "I'm buzzin' to see Faddy back at the Well.  He's pure magic!" 

If you continue to read below, you will notice that there are predictions for this weekend.  It may have been said before, but I am full of confidence that this week will be the one.  I think that you should put all of your personal savings on this coupon as it is 100% guaranteed to be correct*.  We have 66 games for The Grambler to Gramble on this weekend, including the season's first major cup final as Swansea take on underdogs Bradford at Wembley for the Capital One Cup.  Also, can I smell a bonus Both Teams to Score bet?  Possibly.  read on, my good man (or lady (or ladyman)).

I'm running late again this week for various reasons so no time for the usual award-winning analysis.  I'm sure that you will be glad of this development.  

*Please note: This guarantee is void and I do not recommend putting any more than a £1 stake on this bet (and even that is not highly recommended) as it will definitely be wrong.  Refunds are not available.

Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Burnley
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 2: Fulham vs Stoke City
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 3: Montrose vs Annan Athletic
Prediction: Home win
Odds on this result: 10/11


Game 4: Reading vs Wigan Athletic
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5


Game 5: Sheffield Wednesday vs Crystal Palace
Prediction: Draw
Odds on this result: 12/5

Total odds on this week's bet are 96/1! Yipeetastic!

And as promised, have a Mega Fantastic Extra Value Bonus Bet!:

Game - Both Teams to Score? - Odds
Cowdenbeath vs Raith Rovers - Yes - 8/13
Celtic vs Dundee - Yes - 13/8
Shrewsbury vs Stevenage - No - 5/6
Peterhead vs Queens Park - Yes - 8/11
Blackburn Rovers vs Leeds United - No - Evens

Total odds for the Grambler Super Exciting Mega Bonus Bet! are 26/1! Fantabulous!

Happy Grambling!

Week 19: Merry apocalyptic Christmas!

"Debris Snow is falling, all around me

Children fending for themselves in a wasteland comparable to Mad Max II 

playing - having fun,

It's the end of the world, we're doomed! Swallow the cyanide now to avoid the horrible pain!

season for love and understanding,

Merry apocalypse Christmas everyone!"

And so it appears that the end of the world never came to fruition... yet again.  Perhaps I should ask The Grambler to predict when the apocalypse will genuinely come and then lead a band of obsessives into a mass suicide... Anyone up for it?

I was all set for saving my money and time and avoiding doing a Grambler this week on the basis that we'd all be dead anyway.  But unfortunately, this is not the case.  So I suppose I'd best force as many contrived Christmas puns as possible into the following to appease our festive overlords. 

Game 1: Snowmanchester City vs Rudolph the Reading Nosed Reindeer

Prediction: Home win

City aim to keep the pressure on rivals Manchestnuts United who currently sit 6 points ahead at the top of the Premiership.  They have not been in the best of form of late with only two wins in the last five matches.  The current champions will have to make do without midfielder Santa Nasri and controversial striker the Virgin Mario Balotelli.  Reading have lost six games on the trot and have the divisions worst away record, with just 2 points from a possible 27.  The Royals are currently the Premiership's stocking fillers and Brian McDermott may have to be queueing outside of Debenhams on Boxing Day morning in the hope of finding that bargain striker to keep his side up.

Odds on this result: 1/7

Game 2: Tottenham Hohohotspur vs Stoke the Log Fire City

Prediction: Home win

Spurs are level on points with Chelsea in the chase for third place in the Premiership.  The White (Christmas) Hart Lane side have developed a habit of conceding late goals this season, Andre Villas Boas will hope that his side do not offer any gifts to the opposition attackers today.  Striker Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel Adebayor faces a late fitness test.  Stoke have proved to be a hard side to defeat this season and currently inhabit 9th place in the league.  However, the Potters have won only one away game this term.  Midfielder Charlie Adam will miss out today as he has been granted compassionate leave.  

Odds on this result: 8/13

Game 3: Notts Countying Down the Days 'til Xmas vs Sleighton Orient

Prediction: Home win

Getting into the true Christmas spirit, Notts County have confirmed that this game is off as a result of flooding at Meadow Lane.  

Odds on this result: 11/10

Game 4: Celturkey vs Cranberry Sauce County

Prediction: Home win

It has been a big week for Celtic as they drew European giants Yuleventus in the next round of the Champions League, but it's back to SPL duty as they aim to keep the pressure on inevitable champions Motherwell.  Injured forward duo Kris Kringle Commons and Anthony Stokes will be playing charades in the stand.   County started the season brightly but now find themselves slipping towards the bottom spot.  They will be outsiders today so will hope that fellow Highlanders Inverness can do them a favour by beating bottom side Dundee.

Odds on this result: 1/6

Game 5: Coventry Once In Royal David's City vs Preston North Pole

Prediction: Draw

Just one point separates these two sides in League Two.  Coventry were impressive last week in their 4-1 demolition of Little Donkeycaster, whilst Preston managed to take a single point away to Portsmouth.  Sky Blues manager Mark Red, Red Robins faces a dilemma over his striking choices as stand-in Adam Barton impressed in last week's win.  Preston's Christmas Robertson returns from suspension and could go straight back into the starting eleven in place of Shane Cansdell-Sherriff, who starts a two match ban.

Odds on this result: 12/5

Slim pickings this week, the draw is not too far-fetched and one cancellation leaves us with a poor 14/1.  But we are surely due a win, maybe Santa will make it my present this year?

That is all from the apocalyptic Christmas special, as one famous philosopher once said "have another rock n' roll Christmas".

And an old classic joke to finish on:

Darth Vader: "I know what you are getting for Christmas..."

Luke Skywalker: "What is Christmas?"

Vader: "Nevermind that, you're ruining my punchline."

Skywalker: "But seriously, you appear to be referencing a religious tradition from an insignificant planet many millions of light-years away, one of which no one in this series has ever suggested any knowledge of it's existence, why would we be celebrating this event?"

Vader: "Just shut up for a minute and play along with the joke!"

Skywalker: "Okay then..."

Vader: "I know what you are getting for Christmas, Luke..."

Skywalker: (feigning surprise) "What? How could you?"

Vader: "Because like any good parent, I have paid close attention to your hobbies and interests and used this holiday as a time to show my love for you through thoughtful gifts."

Skywalker: "Aaaaaw, I love you dad!"

(title music)

Week 17: Lying next to a wayside for some reason

You may have noticed that this 'ere website has fallen by the wayside a little over the past few weeks.  Two things worth pointing out: 1) I have been rather busy in other aspects of life and have not been able to commit the same amount of time to typing gibberish for the benefit of four or five people who remain loyal Gramblers and; 2) What exactly is a wayside? And how/why does one fall by it?  

A quick look back at last week's result first of all.  I lost.  Only two out of the five correct, which seems to be the standard these days.  I'm starting to think that I'd be as well just making a list of everyone who has ever worked for the BBC and allowing the Grambler to select a handful each week to be outed as sex-offenders.  Think I'd be making more money that way...

Anyhoo, here is this week's bet with very little in the way of commentary.  

Game 1: Sheffield Wednesday vs Bristol City
Prediction: Home win

An early 'relegation battle' with both teams sitting uncomfortably close to the Championship's trapdoor.  A win for either side could take them out of the relegation zone.  Could go either way, really. 

Reliability balls: 6/10

Odds on this result: 11/10

Game 2: Port Vale vs Chesterfield

Prediction: Home win

Port Vale are flying high in League Two so the home fans will be expecting another victory.  Chesterfield manager Paul Cook hopes that he has the recipe for success so that his side can serve up a win.

Reliability balls: 7/10

Odds on this result: 11/10

Game 3: Southampton vs Reading
Prediction: Draw

Another clash between two sides in the relegation zone, both started the season as contenders for the drop and have failed to disappoint.  Reading won 3-1 at St Mary's back in April but the Saints have been the better side in the Premiership (just).

Reliability balls: 5/10

Odds on this result: 13/5

Game 4: West Ham vs Liverpool
Prediction: Away win

West Ham have been solid at home this season but Liverpool have been showing signs of improvement in recent weeks.  I wouldn't choose to bet on Liverpool but Jordan Henderson scored a goal on Thursday, so surely anything is possible?

Reliability balls: 5/10

Odds on this result: 11/8

Game 5: Brechin City vs Ayr United
Prediction: Home win

Match already postponed due to a frozen pitch.  Scottish weather, eh?  

Reliability balls: 0/10

Odds on this result: 11/10

Only four games to get correct for a win this week then.  Is it possible?  Yes.  Will it happen?  Probably not.  Total odds for the five games this week was 78/1 but since that last match has been frozen, we are down to a mere 38/1 by my calculations.  Which may be wrong.

And I am solemnly making the promise that normal service shall resume next week.  I have far too many puns to get out of my system.

Week 10 results: Join my happy song!

How cruel Grambling can be!  One week after that famous victory, The Grambler produced it's best league predictions to date.  Yet the bet was destroyed before we had even reached 3 o'clock on Saturday.  If not for two results, I would proudly be adding a cool £349 to the Bobby Moore Fund fund (fund) this morning.  But alas, Millwall could not find that winning goal and Dumbarton are... well, shit.  Do you know who I blame?  George Osbourne.  It's always his fault.

By way of consolation, I did get a Tweet or Twit retweeted or retwitted by the BBC which was fun.  Clearly the sarcasm detector on their live text was broken though...

Game 1: York City vs Dagenham & Redbridge
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
A double from Ashley Chambers sealed a comfortable-ish win for the home-side and gave them their first win in four matches.  A curling shot in the 19th minute opened the scoring but the visitors pulled level four minutes later when Luke Wilkinson levelled the score with his noggin.  A determined Chambers scored a second before half-time, with the Minstermen starting to take control of the game.  The lead was extended in the 65th minute when Matty Blair slotted home from close range.  The midfielder clearly had a better game on Saturday than he did in midweek training when a dummy (an actual dummy) not only got the better of him, but injured him in the process.  Wilkinson scored a another for the Daggers with just seconds to go until full-time, but it was too late to be of any real significance.  His mum said that he would get extra pocket-money this week for scoring two goals which cheered him up a bit, and he has been promised a trip to the zoo next Saturday if he behaves himself.  City manager Gary Mills said of this result "Dagenham play how they play and you have to win as many second balls as you can."  Chortle, chortle, titter and perhaps guffaw!

Game 2: Swindon Town vs Scunthorpe United
Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )
Sc***horpe took advantage of having an extra man on the field to grab a valuable point away from home.  Swindon's James Collins, who is not the same James Collins as James Collins, grabbed the first goal after 18 minutes of play with a shot from five yards.  And the Robins could have and perhaps should have (dear Facebook users everywhere, please note the correct use of 'have' in this sentence.  Not 'of' but 'have'!) doubled their lead minutes later when Matt Richie found himself through on goal with just the keeper to beat, but Sam Slocombe kept his side in the game with a save worthy of Sieb Dykstra.  In the 33rd minute, the home-side's Aden Flint picked up a second booking and was sent for a metaphorical early bath.  Swindon managed to hold on to their lead until the 56th minute when Karl Hawley headed in from Mark Duffy's cross.  Neither team could bring themselves to score a winner and everyone agreed that they had a lovely day.  Meanwhile, the Swindon Advertiser maintained the high-standard set by local newspapers everywhere by sending a reporter to the game who failed to notice what the score was.

Game 3: Crystal Palace vs Millwall
Prediction: Millwall ( x )
A spirited fightback from Millwall against a ten-man Palace side was enough to secure a point but not enough to make me like them in the slightest.  In an eventful Saaaaaath Laaaaahndan derby, with ten yellow cards and one red, the home side drew first blood when Mile Jedinak used his Jedi knack to FORCE an opener.  Actually he didn't really, it was a 30 yard strike from the Aussie who may or may not be a real Jedi.  Just moments later, Palace found themselves two in front when Damien Delaney headed in a cross, presumably with his head.  But the game changed minutes before half-time when Darius Henderson's goal-bound shot was blocked the hand of Dean Moxey.  Moxey protested with the referee, claiming that he was convinced that his side were allowed the playground-staple 'any-man-save', but ultimately he was dismissed and the resultant penalty was tucked away by Liam Trotter, who refused to get pig-headed after scoring.  In the second-half, Millwall drew level when Mark Beevers deflected a shot in with his thigh.  It was not the prettiest goal, but Beevers couldn't give a damn.  Unfortunately, not even the introduction of Shaun Batt could complete an animal themed victory for Millwall, who were happy with a draw.

Game 4: Dumbarton vs Falkirk
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Dumbarton continued their poor start to the season with another insipid performance.  The Bairns started brightly and early pressure on the Sons paid off as Lyle Taylor chipped the ball over the onrushing opposition keeper.  Falkirk had to deal with a bad injury moments later when youngster Stephen Kingsley came off slightly worse in a 50/50 tackle, breaking his nose in the process.  God nose how much that must have hurt!  Kingsley was replaced by defender Chris Smith (alright Chris!  You never told me you were getting a game for Falkirk...)  The visitors extended their lead on 32 minutes when the ball fell to David Weatherston who found himself unmarked in the box and blasted past Jamie Ewings.  The second-half started brightly for Dumbarton who had the ball in the net after a goal-mouth scramble, but the linesman flagged for offside.  Not to be outdone, the Bairns had a goal ruled out just sixty seconds later as Luke Leahy (winner of the Most Star Warsy Name of the Week award) was ruled to be offside at the other end of the pitch.  Dumbarton managed little else in the half as another listless performance ended in defeat.  If I were a betting-man, I would put my money on them being relegated.  Hang on a minute...  

Game 5: Liverpool vs Reading
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Brandan Rodgers finally got his first win at Anfield in unconvincing fashion as Liverpool meandered to a 1-0 win over Premiership strugglers Reading.  Seventeen-year-old Raheem Sterling was a sparkle of glitter in the festering turd that is Liverpool.  (Please note: the previously used metaphor has achieved three things; a) Made me feel abject disgust with myself, b)  Made me feel slightly nauseous and c) Prevented every over-sensitive Liverpool (i.e. every Liverpool fan) from ever becoming readers of The Grambler).  A neat flick from Luis Saurez put Stirling through on goal on the 29th minute.  The England under-21 cap took two touches to control the ball before smashing it past Alex McCarthy in the Reading goal.  Liverpool dominated most of the game but lacked a finishing touch; it is little wonder that Rodgers has stated that he will be bidding £19.5 million for Michael Higdon in the January transfer window.  Both Adam Le Fondre and Jason Roberts came close to equalising for the visitors but Brad Jones, deputising for the injured Pepe Reina, kept his side in front with some good saves.  It also worth mentioning Reading midfielder Jobi McAnuff because his name is jobby and this amuses me greatly.

Game 6: Partick Thistle vs Airdrie United
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
This was not only a win for Partick Thistle but an emphatic win, with the emphasis on PHAT!  A 7-0 thrashing of Airdrie pushed Partick back to the top of Division One and maintained their 100% home-record; during their five games at Firhill they have scored NINETEEN goals and conceded just TWO (I have been studying The Sun for journalistic tips and realised that capitalising ARBITRARY words emphasises the POINT for idiots).  Chris Erskine scored a brace, Aaron Muirhead bagged a penalty, former Motherwell duo Steven Lawless and Ross Forbes got one apiece,  as did Sean Walsh and Kris Doolan.  To add to Airdrie's embarrassment, substitute Scott Sally was dismissed in the 76th minute for having a really girly name.  Also, seeing as Star Wars has been mentioned a few times already this week, here is an interesting fact: Partick Thistle are the only football team in the world whose name is an anagram of Sith pickle tart, which is Darth Vadar's favourite dish.

Game 7: Hull City vs Ipswich Town
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Hull leapt into the Championship play-off places after coming back from a goal down to defeat a lacklustre Ipswich side.  Hull had started brightly, but the first goal came against the run of play.  Former Arsenal prospect turned Championship floater-abouter Jay Emmanuel-Thomas jinked into the box on 29 minutes and fired low past Hull keeper Tori Ben Amos to give the Tigers the lead.  And it looked like it would stay that way - both teams had squandered chances and with 70 minutes on the clock, Ipswich looked to be winning their second game of the season.  But it was at this point that Steve Bruce decided to introduce German summer-signing Nick Proschwitz.  Within four minutes, the striker had his first goal for the club, turning in a Ahmed Elmohamady cross.  With Ipswich looking likely to take a point at least, Poschwitz popped up again in the final minute of the game - Elmohamady once again doing all of the hard-work and the German turning the ball into the net to claim victory.  Ipswich manager Paul Jewell admitted that he may not have much longer at the helm after this defeat, which is a shame because he has set a shining example so far.

My belief in The Grambler has been restored after another fine performance!  After many weeks of under-performing, like Olivier Giroud, it has shown that there is still a lot of potential, like Olivier Giroud.

The next chapter in the Grambling saga will commence on Thursday afternoon.  Like Olivier Giroud.

"I am convinced this last goal will also do me a lot of good"

-Olivier Giroud