Glad to be back to good ol' league football after an international break which proved devastating for both the Grambler's bets and my faith in the Scotland national team. Wins for Holland and the mighty Uzbekistan on Tuesday gave us a grand total of two out of five correct predictions which the chairman has deemed 'not good enough.' The newspapers were full of talk of The Grambler's imminent sacking on Wednesday morning but after crunch talks with the board, he/she/it has been given a vote of confidence, but been warned that results must change before the end of the season. There will be a great deal of pressure on all staff at Grambler Park this week and some good predictions will be expected to alleviate shareholders and fans alike.
Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Swansea vs Tottenham - Draw - 2/5
Aberdeen vs Hearts - Home win - 7/5
Preston vs Portsmouth - Home win - 4/6
Ipswich vs Leeds - Home win - 23/20
Queen of the South vs Brechin - Home win - 4/11
50p @ 39/1
With Tottenham looking to seize 4th place from rivals Chelsea, a trip to Swansea may appear daunting. The League cup winners may be back in 9th place but their home form has been impressive this season. Swansea manager Michael Laudrup has warned Spurs that they could suffer from the 'FIFA virus'; an illness comparable to chlamydia whereby a one-night stand with international football leaves one unable to perform. Aberdeen have finally moved Granpaw Broon into a granny flat beside Pittodrie and appointed former St Johnstone boss Derek McInnes, breaking a club tradition of only stealing Motherwell managers. The Dons sit 9th in the SPL, although the fans still reckon that it's 1989 and they're challenging for the title. Hearts have already been through their annual managerial turmoil, replacing John McGlynn with Gary Locke who will inevitably be sacked at the end of the season anyway. Preston boss Simon Grayson has pretty much written off this season but claims that the foundations are in place for a promotion push next year. He has overseen just one win in six games since taking over. Portsmouth look likely to continue their unstoppable slide down the leagues with relegation to League Two this year. It's almost like spending beyond their means in the Premiership leading to financial instability and seasons of poor performances on the pitch was a bad idea. Who was manager then again? Oh yeah, 'Sir' Harry Redknapp... Since taking over as Ipswich gaffer earlier in the season, Mick McCarthy has taken his side from bottom to something resembling safety. However, the Tractorboys have the lowest number of goals for in the Championship. And the worst nickname. Neil Warnock has said that if Leeds fail to gain promotion to the Premiership this season, he will leave the club. Currently 10th, a play-off spot is not mathematically impossible but with 2 wins in the past 10 games, he'd best start packing his bags.
Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game - Result - Odds
Wigan vs Norwich - Home win - 10/11
Southampton vs Chelsea - Home win - 5/8
Everton vs Stoke - Draw - 11/4
50p @ 24/1
Wigan have reached that point in the season where they occasionally remember to win some games but they are still in the relegation zone. Roberto Martinez expects his team to attack and be aggressive in their fight for survival. Apparently Callum McManaman took this too literally... Norwich have had a good season, although with probably a few more draws than they would like. They have already started planning for next season by bolstering their attack with a club-record signing of the man with the greatest name in world football; Ricky van Wolfswinkel! Just months ago, Southampton looked like they were already doomed. But the appointment of Mauricio Pochettino may prove to be a shrewd one with the Saints joint on points with Sunderland in 15th. Pochettino's only 2 wins have come against Manchester City and Liverpool, so Chelsea might not seem so daunting to him. The Blues have moved past Spurs to 3rd in the Premiership and Rafa Benitez will be looking to hold onto this position, lest the Chelsea fans somehow turn against him even more. The reverse fixture ended in a 2-2 draw back in January, and this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for Nigel Adkins. Everton will once again be aiming to finish ahead of their noisy neighbours this season and so far lead the way with a 3 point advantage as well as a game in hand. They were surprise victors against Manchester City prior to the international break and will hope that this form will not have been disturbed by the interval. Stoke look set to end the season with their usual mid-table finish having gained no new fans as a result of their style of football. But on a positive note, they will no longer be lumbered with the waste of space, self publicising, deluded, former footballer Michael Owen.
Three goalscorer accumulator
Scorer - Match - Odds
Michu - Swansea vs Tottenham - 8/5
Dimitar Berbatov - Fulham vs QPR - 10/11
Edin Dzeko - Manchester City vs Newcastle - 20/21
50p @ 9/1
Michu will undoubtedly go down as the find of the season having cost Michael Laudrup just £2 million and going on to score 15 league goals already this season. Spurs kept a clean-sheet against Swansea back in December and will be aiming to keep Michu quiet once again. Berbatov has been a pleasure to watch in the Premiership for the past 7 seasons with some memorable goals. He is Fulham's top scorer this season with 11 but was not on the scoresheet when QPR defeated Fulham 2-1 earlier in the season. Dzeko is perhaps the one of the most under-appreciated players at Manchester City with rumours constantly abound that the Bosnian striker will be sold off at the end of the season. With 12 league goals this season, he is City's top scorer. However, Roberto Mancini may not start with the striker following his international involvement during the week.
And that's yer lot! Three relatively plausible bets to follow this weekend which could bring in a massive £36 for the Bobby Moore Fund. And as always, remember; if you are Grambling under the age of 12, make sure you do so with the help of a responsible adult.
Showing posts with label Leeds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Leeds. Show all posts
Friday, 29 March 2013
Friday, 14 September 2012
Week 5: Assignment: Miami Beach
After an entertaining but disastrous international weekend, we get back to business this week with the wonderful world of league football, where it is actually possible to find a match report.
But before we start, here is a football related joke:
Q: Why was Cinderella rubbish at football?
A: Because she had no formal training. From a young age, her sisters coerced her into doing all of the housekeeping meaning that she never even got the chance to try out for her school football team. Besides, back in those un-PC days, the school team probably wouldn't have selected a girl. There was also a lack of interest in the sport on her part; she often heard people making remarks about her 'running away from the ball' and thought to herself "when you put that into context, it really makes no sense as I have no interest and/or involvement in football and/or any other sport." It wasn't until she found her prince that she took a mild interest in the game, following her new husbands favourite team - Coventry City. And then the French paparazzi took long distance photo's of her topless...
Game 1: Stevenage vs Crewe
Prediction: Draw
We start our journey this week in Stevenage, a town famous for... being near Junction 7 on the A1? Also, apparently the King of Portugal moved there in the 1840s. God knows why... Stevenage made it to the play-offs last season with a 6th place finish and currently inhabit the third spot in the table. Their three wins so far this season have all come away from home, and they remain unbeaten thanks to two draws in their home matches. Crewe won promotion from League Two last season via the play-offs and have had a strong start to life in League One. They currently sit four points below Stevenage in League One, but have managed a win away from home suggesting that are capable of picking up points on the road. One local celebrity is so desperate for his side to avoid defeat that he has promised to hold his breath until they have secured at least a point. Hopefully Crewe can pick up something from this game so that he can breath again.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 2: Brighton vs Sheffield Wednesday
Prediction: Home win
This week's earliest kick-off, taking place at 7.45 tonight. Brighton chairman Tony Bloom has ploughed a lot of money into the club over the past couple of seasons in the hope of his side will blossom and find that elusive promotion. Manager Gus Poyet will hope that his players can keep up their good-form and improve on last season's 10th place finish. Meanwhile, the media-circus has rolled into Sheffield following the release of restricted papers from the Hillsborough disaster (it turns out the politicians and high ranking police-officers are liars, who would have thunk it?) Wednesday will be glad to get away from this with a pleasant day-trip to Brighton to visit the Ashdown Forest Llama Park, stroll along the pier and, most importantly, have a kickabout. The two teams are neck-and-neck in the championship. Each has two wins and draw to their name but the bonus in our favour is that Brighton are unbeaten at home whilst Wednesday have yet to win away.
Reliability Balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 6/5
Game 3: Colchester vs Doncaster
Prediction: Away win
Back to League One... It has been a tough start to the season for Colchester... In five games, the have drawn three, just not quite doing enough for the win. The other two games resulted in losses so they are still searching for that first win of the season. And on top of that, La Tasca in the town centre is set to close! The U's sit in the relegation zone just now, not that that means much at this time of the season, and would get a confidence boost from a win tomorrow. To help them along the way, fictional Irish stereotype John-Joe O'Toole has returned to training. Doncaster sit higher up the table with wins in 50% of their games this season and a game in hand over their opponents. But manager Dean Saunders has bemoaned his sides luck with injuries, and claims that he is struggling to scrape a side together. Striker Chris Brown has three goals in three games, a streak that he will be hopeful of continuing. Brown also has an... ahem... supplementary job as an aspiring commentator.
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/5
Game 4: Inverness vs Aberdeen
Prediction: Home win
Inverness have not had the best start the season, with three draws and zero wins in their opening five fixtures. In their last match before the international break, they were absolutely pumped at Fir Park putting Motherwell at the top of the SPL (YAAAAAAAAS!). Terry Butcher has complained about his sides complacent defence, no doubt calling them mince. He will expect a meaty performance and is willing to steak his reputation on a win. Beef. Grandpaw Broon's Aberdeen side are just one win better off and sit two places above Caley Thistle in the league. Broon is aware of the Inverness threat, saying "they'll tighten up, particularly when it's Aberdeen. Aberdeen would constitute a fairly good scalp for them" whilst sucking on his falsers, lighting a pipe and reminiscing about the good old days.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 2/1
Game 5: Everton vs NewcastlePrediction: Draw
I really do hope this one is correct, not only for the sake of the bet, but also for the sake of my awful fantasy football team. Preferably a 3-3 draw with hat-tricks for Jelavic and Cisse. Everton have, for once, decided to start playing well from the start of the season instead of waiting until January. Two wins in their first three games will have delighted fans, and if they can maintain this form, a finish above their substandard noisy neighbours could once again be on the cards. Newcastle were a delight to watch last season and ended up as surprise challengers for the final Champions League spot last season and, having kept their team together over the pre-season, many expected them to pick up where they left off last season. One win and one draw in their opening three has been an average start but they are certainly capable of more. A draw could be a fair result.
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
Game 6: Cardiff vs Leeds
Prediction: Draw
Strangely enough, another two sides who are level with the aforementioned Brighton and Sheffield Wednesday, with two wins and a draw in their first four games putting them on seven points. Since their 3-1 win against Wolves a fortnight ago, Cardiff manager Malky McKay has been full of praise for Craig Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in training. McKay was also full of praise for David Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in gardening. Leeds have strengthened their squad further over the past week with the loan signing of Stoke's Michael Tonge who has told the club that he is so good that Neil Warnock will have to hand him a start tomorrow. I believe he was being Tonge in cheek though... Neither team is a stranger to The Grambler with both appearing in Week 3, and in that case both predictions were incorrect. Based on this, I am convinced that a draw is exactly what will happen here...
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 7: Barnsley vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
Our third Championship game of the week, and the one that I'm least confident about... Barnsley have made a modest start to the season with two wins and two losses. Having finished a lowly 21st in the table last season, manager Keith Hill is one win away from making this season Barnsley's best league start since 1977. Here's what he had to say on Twitter: "I love bacon. Each morning I sing about my beloved bacon, I even do my bacon ritual. I endeavour to be bacon man. I guess I just love bacon." I have an inkling that it might be a fake account. Blackpool are as high as a tower at the top of the league. Ian Holloway will not want to sea the Tykes rock the boat, and will certainly not give in to pier pressure by changing his starting line up. But when Blackpool are at their best, it can be a pleasure (beach) to watch. Barnsley have a 100% home record this season, whilst Blackpool's only loss came away from home as they visited Leicester. I remain hopeful.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
The odds for this bet are the highest received for any Grambler bet thus far; a humongous 2,933/1!!! I have also put a cheeky trebles bet on this week as three correct predictions seems to represent a good Grambling week.
As the Everton vs Newcastle game takes place on Monday evening, the results shall not be here until sometime on Tuesday.
But before we start, here is a football related joke:
Q: Why was Cinderella rubbish at football?
A: Because she had no formal training. From a young age, her sisters coerced her into doing all of the housekeeping meaning that she never even got the chance to try out for her school football team. Besides, back in those un-PC days, the school team probably wouldn't have selected a girl. There was also a lack of interest in the sport on her part; she often heard people making remarks about her 'running away from the ball' and thought to herself "when you put that into context, it really makes no sense as I have no interest and/or involvement in football and/or any other sport." It wasn't until she found her prince that she took a mild interest in the game, following her new husbands favourite team - Coventry City. And then the French paparazzi took long distance photo's of her topless...
Game 1: Stevenage vs Crewe
Prediction: Draw
We start our journey this week in Stevenage, a town famous for... being near Junction 7 on the A1? Also, apparently the King of Portugal moved there in the 1840s. God knows why... Stevenage made it to the play-offs last season with a 6th place finish and currently inhabit the third spot in the table. Their three wins so far this season have all come away from home, and they remain unbeaten thanks to two draws in their home matches. Crewe won promotion from League Two last season via the play-offs and have had a strong start to life in League One. They currently sit four points below Stevenage in League One, but have managed a win away from home suggesting that are capable of picking up points on the road. One local celebrity is so desperate for his side to avoid defeat that he has promised to hold his breath until they have secured at least a point. Hopefully Crewe can pick up something from this game so that he can breath again.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 2: Brighton vs Sheffield Wednesday
Prediction: Home win
This week's earliest kick-off, taking place at 7.45 tonight. Brighton chairman Tony Bloom has ploughed a lot of money into the club over the past couple of seasons in the hope of his side will blossom and find that elusive promotion. Manager Gus Poyet will hope that his players can keep up their good-form and improve on last season's 10th place finish. Meanwhile, the media-circus has rolled into Sheffield following the release of restricted papers from the Hillsborough disaster (it turns out the politicians and high ranking police-officers are liars, who would have thunk it?) Wednesday will be glad to get away from this with a pleasant day-trip to Brighton to visit the Ashdown Forest Llama Park, stroll along the pier and, most importantly, have a kickabout. The two teams are neck-and-neck in the championship. Each has two wins and draw to their name but the bonus in our favour is that Brighton are unbeaten at home whilst Wednesday have yet to win away.
Reliability Balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 6/5
Game 3: Colchester vs Doncaster
Prediction: Away win
Back to League One... It has been a tough start to the season for Colchester... In five games, the have drawn three, just not quite doing enough for the win. The other two games resulted in losses so they are still searching for that first win of the season. And on top of that, La Tasca in the town centre is set to close! The U's sit in the relegation zone just now, not that that means much at this time of the season, and would get a confidence boost from a win tomorrow. To help them along the way, fictional Irish stereotype John-Joe O'Toole has returned to training. Doncaster sit higher up the table with wins in 50% of their games this season and a game in hand over their opponents. But manager Dean Saunders has bemoaned his sides luck with injuries, and claims that he is struggling to scrape a side together. Striker Chris Brown has three goals in three games, a streak that he will be hopeful of continuing. Brown also has an... ahem... supplementary job as an aspiring commentator.
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/5
Game 4: Inverness vs Aberdeen
Prediction: Home win
Inverness have not had the best start the season, with three draws and zero wins in their opening five fixtures. In their last match before the international break, they were absolutely pumped at Fir Park putting Motherwell at the top of the SPL (YAAAAAAAAS!). Terry Butcher has complained about his sides complacent defence, no doubt calling them mince. He will expect a meaty performance and is willing to steak his reputation on a win. Beef. Grandpaw Broon's Aberdeen side are just one win better off and sit two places above Caley Thistle in the league. Broon is aware of the Inverness threat, saying "they'll tighten up, particularly when it's Aberdeen. Aberdeen would constitute a fairly good scalp for them" whilst sucking on his falsers, lighting a pipe and reminiscing about the good old days.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 2/1
Game 5: Everton vs NewcastlePrediction: Draw
I really do hope this one is correct, not only for the sake of the bet, but also for the sake of my awful fantasy football team. Preferably a 3-3 draw with hat-tricks for Jelavic and Cisse. Everton have, for once, decided to start playing well from the start of the season instead of waiting until January. Two wins in their first three games will have delighted fans, and if they can maintain this form, a finish above their substandard noisy neighbours could once again be on the cards. Newcastle were a delight to watch last season and ended up as surprise challengers for the final Champions League spot last season and, having kept their team together over the pre-season, many expected them to pick up where they left off last season. One win and one draw in their opening three has been an average start but they are certainly capable of more. A draw could be a fair result.
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
Game 6: Cardiff vs Leeds
Prediction: Draw
Strangely enough, another two sides who are level with the aforementioned Brighton and Sheffield Wednesday, with two wins and a draw in their first four games putting them on seven points. Since their 3-1 win against Wolves a fortnight ago, Cardiff manager Malky McKay has been full of praise for Craig Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in training. McKay was also full of praise for David Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in gardening. Leeds have strengthened their squad further over the past week with the loan signing of Stoke's Michael Tonge who has told the club that he is so good that Neil Warnock will have to hand him a start tomorrow. I believe he was being Tonge in cheek though... Neither team is a stranger to The Grambler with both appearing in Week 3, and in that case both predictions were incorrect. Based on this, I am convinced that a draw is exactly what will happen here...
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 7: Barnsley vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
Our third Championship game of the week, and the one that I'm least confident about... Barnsley have made a modest start to the season with two wins and two losses. Having finished a lowly 21st in the table last season, manager Keith Hill is one win away from making this season Barnsley's best league start since 1977. Here's what he had to say on Twitter: "I love bacon. Each morning I sing about my beloved bacon, I even do my bacon ritual. I endeavour to be bacon man. I guess I just love bacon." I have an inkling that it might be a fake account. Blackpool are as high as a tower at the top of the league. Ian Holloway will not want to sea the Tykes rock the boat, and will certainly not give in to pier pressure by changing his starting line up. But when Blackpool are at their best, it can be a pleasure (beach) to watch. Barnsley have a 100% home record this season, whilst Blackpool's only loss came away from home as they visited Leicester. I remain hopeful.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
The odds for this bet are the highest received for any Grambler bet thus far; a humongous 2,933/1!!! I have also put a cheeky trebles bet on this week as three correct predictions seems to represent a good Grambling week.
As the Everton vs Newcastle game takes place on Monday evening, the results shall not be here until sometime on Tuesday.
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Week 3 Results: (Not very) close but no cigar!
This week's write-up is a tad late as I was celebrating Mrs Grambler and big bro' Grambler raising £1,000 for those lovely Bobby Moore Fund peeps and another £1,000 for the local intensive care unit (who were kind enough to let me stay there for a couple of months) via the Great Scottish Run 10k. I am rather proud of both of them and also chuffed that neither of them beat my personal best! Seeing as The Grambler is failing to provide donations for this charitable cause so far, I am as pleased as Pagliuca that we have raised so much and if anyone out there would like to contribute, you can do so here.
Next on the agenda, FOOTBALL! The eagle-eyed-cherries amongst you may have noticed that The Grambler has yet again lost. But he/she/it is getting closer to that winning bet and I predict, with 72% confidence, that a win within the next decade is a 32% possibility.
Shall we take a look at the individual results then? Yeah, why not!
Game 1: Leeds United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Home win (Naw!)
Grambler favourites Blackburn visited Elland Road to mess things up in the first game on the list as the two sides shared six goals in a presumably thrilling draw. The visitors were 2-0 up by half time, with goals from Marcus Olsson and Nuno Gomes. As a side note, what do you call a religious Irish lady who was the patriarch of the Addams family and plays for Blackburn? Nun O'Gomes! Sorry... In an exciting second half, Leeds fought back, with horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible twat El Hadji Diouf and Ross McCormack levelling things before Argentinian Luciano Becchio put Leeds in the leads. This tremendous fightback was just what The Grambler needed after last week's terrible showing, but it was not to be a happy ending! Spanish striker and new-entrant on my list of enemies Rubén Rochina equalised with six minutes remaining to signal failure for my accumulator once again.
Game 2: Cheltenham Town vs Accrington Stanley
Prediction: Draw (Naw!)
Okay, so I wasn't THAT close this week. Cheltenham were undefeated until Saturday but Stanley had the knife to kill their table-topping ambitions (I really want that to make sense but I'm not convinced that is does). Accrington took the lead within the opening five minutes when Padraig Amond stabbed the ball home. They were to double this lead by half time when 1930s-throwback sounding George Miller cut through the defence to score. He then presumably danced a Charleston in a drape-cut suit to celebrate. Marking the start of his second spell with Accrington, Benin international Romuald Boco sliced the ball into the net. Actually, he probably didn't, but that's not the point. Following the game, Cheltenham manager and Terrorvision Mark Yates guitarist said "I'm not one for coming out and naming names, but we were hopeless today", confirming the ineptitude of his team whilst refusing to reveal his homosexual crushes.
Game 3: Airdrie United vs Cowdenbeath
Prediction: Home win (Naw!)
Prior to kick-off, I was quietly confident about this match. Four minutes after kick-off, my confidence was waning as Kyle Miller scored the opening goal for the 'beath. Airdrie's Kenny Arthur then saved a penalty in the first half to keep his side in the game, but shortly after the re-start, his team-mate Marc Warren was shown the red card. He shall no doubt be getting a Warren-ing about his future conduct. Lewis Coult and Marc McKenzie scored late on to compound United's misery. I have not included any cow/beef puns in this write-up so here are a few for you to add at your own leisure: Cowden are moo-ving up the table, it was a meaty performance, the opposition were in a stew and/or mince, Colin Cameron is steer-ing his team in the right direction, the steaks were high, Airdrie were slaughtered, ... And so forth.
Game 4: Celtic vs Hibernian
Prediction: Draw (Aye!)
The direct opposite of the previous game, I had no confidence whatsoever in this result and it actually happened! The SPL champions were ahead twice in this game, but both times The Hibees bounced back to take a well-earned point away from Parkhead (and more importantly, allow Motherwell to move top of the league!) The opening goal came from Swedish chokladbrulé med hallon* Mikael Lustig but Hibs came out fighting after the break and equalised through Tim Clancy, who sounds like he should be writing crime novels. Fifteen minutes later and Celtic were back in front,Jake James McPake unfortunate to find himself in the way of another Lustig shot which resulted in an own goal. But Hibs pushed forward once more and were rewarded for their efforts when they once again levelled the score via Paul Cairney, whose book 'Bible-Based Leadership for Military Professionals' is a must have for anyone interested in bible-based leadership for military professionals.
Game 5: Rotherham United vs Bradford City
Prediction: Home win (Aye!)
We're on a roll now! Rotherham invited Bradford over to the New York Stadium for a kickabout on a mild September afternoon and proceeded to teach them a lesson in football! And modern studies. The game started with a bang as Rotherham took the lead after fifty-five seconds. Midfielder Michael O'Conner notched the first goal, whilst his father Des and mother Sinead watched proudly from the stands. United could have been further in front as Kyel Reid, whose parents clearly cannot spell, missed a sitter. But Gareth Evans soon doubled the lead, turning in Ben Pringle's cross before turning provider as Pringle made it three before half time. To keep the paternal theme going, Bradford manager Phil Parkinson phoned his dad Michael at half time for tactical advice, but his old man simply muttered about insurance and free pens for obtaining a quote, leaving the Bantams manager confused and penless. Nothing of note happened in the second half until the eighty-sixth minute when Evans bagged his second, delighting Rotherham fans. And their fathers.
Game 6: West Ham vs Fulham
Prediction: Home win (Aye!)
An early start on Saturday and one that I was not very confident about as Fulham have been consistent and enjoyable to watch under the leadership of Martin Jol. The Hammers made headlines on the last day of transfer dealings when they brought Andy Carroll in from Liverpool and according to reports he 'shone' on his début. I imagine this was a result of overexposure to radioactive materials. Like Rotherham, West Ham got off to a fine start with Kevin Nolan scoring inside the first minute to put his sisters in the mood for dancing. Winston Reid, who should really be in Whitehall with a name like that, headed in a second to give the home-side breathing space and soon after, Matt Taylor added a third before the referee signalled for half-time. Fulham had a couple of chances in the second half but could not find the net. This was because of Sam Allardyce's new frowned-upon tactic of hiding it during the break. The Cottager's own deadline day signing, and Wacky Races villain, Dimitar Berbatov also had some skilful moments but alas, the damage had already been done.
Game 7: Cardiff City vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
Prediction: Away win (Naw!)
Our good run stops here as the only away prediction of the week failed. TheBlue Redbirds made it eight home games unbeaten thanks a 3-1 victory, which was meaningless to The Grambler anyway as the bet was already lost by kick-off time on Sunday. And things started so well for Wolves as débutant Bakary Sako scored from a free-kick on the edge of the box. They only had one minute to enjoy the lead before Ronald Zubar brought down Craig Noone in the box, resulting in a penalty scored by Peter Whittingham. And the striker made it two shortly after with an eighteen-yard shot evading Wolves Nigerian 'keeper Carl Ikeme. City's third, and Whittingham's hat-trick, was the result of another set-piece as Ralph Little's double lifted the ball over the wall. Following this defeat, Wolves have sacked assistant manager Terry Connor, who has kept a job at Molineux for 13 years in spite of being a bit crap at most of them. John Lange, a prominent Danish botanist from the 19th century, will replace him.
Three out of seven then. Definitely an improvement on last week but still nowhere near that fortune that The Grambler has foretold. We shall see what next week brings. Probably another incorrect Blackburn prediction...
I have an exciting plug this week. A friend has started a rolling accumulator to turn £10 into £300 via 'safe' bets. I was going to say that it was working very well thus far, but he has just lost close to £100 that had built up through the week and thus been forced to start over. It is a good read though and if you are after tips, it is without a doubt better than the above nonsense! Read all about it at FootyProfit!
Continuing with the tradition of finishing with a quote, here is playwright George Bernard Shaw on Gambling:
"The golden rule is that there are no golden rules."
*Chocolate crème brulee with raspberries; my Swedish is not particularly good.
Next on the agenda, FOOTBALL! The eagle-eyed-cherries amongst you may have noticed that The Grambler has yet again lost. But he/she/it is getting closer to that winning bet and I predict, with 72% confidence, that a win within the next decade is a 32% possibility.
Shall we take a look at the individual results then? Yeah, why not!
Game 1: Leeds United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Home win (Naw!)
Grambler favourites Blackburn visited Elland Road to mess things up in the first game on the list as the two sides shared six goals in a presumably thrilling draw. The visitors were 2-0 up by half time, with goals from Marcus Olsson and Nuno Gomes. As a side note, what do you call a religious Irish lady who was the patriarch of the Addams family and plays for Blackburn? Nun O'Gomes! Sorry... In an exciting second half, Leeds fought back, with horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible twat El Hadji Diouf and Ross McCormack levelling things before Argentinian Luciano Becchio put Leeds in the leads. This tremendous fightback was just what The Grambler needed after last week's terrible showing, but it was not to be a happy ending! Spanish striker and new-entrant on my list of enemies Rubén Rochina equalised with six minutes remaining to signal failure for my accumulator once again.
Game 2: Cheltenham Town vs Accrington Stanley
Prediction: Draw (Naw!)
Okay, so I wasn't THAT close this week. Cheltenham were undefeated until Saturday but Stanley had the knife to kill their table-topping ambitions (I really want that to make sense but I'm not convinced that is does). Accrington took the lead within the opening five minutes when Padraig Amond stabbed the ball home. They were to double this lead by half time when 1930s-throwback sounding George Miller cut through the defence to score. He then presumably danced a Charleston in a drape-cut suit to celebrate. Marking the start of his second spell with Accrington, Benin international Romuald Boco sliced the ball into the net. Actually, he probably didn't, but that's not the point. Following the game, Cheltenham manager and Terrorvision Mark Yates guitarist said "I'm not one for coming out and naming names, but we were hopeless today", confirming the ineptitude of his team whilst refusing to reveal his homosexual crushes.
Game 3: Airdrie United vs Cowdenbeath
Prediction: Home win (Naw!)
Prior to kick-off, I was quietly confident about this match. Four minutes after kick-off, my confidence was waning as Kyle Miller scored the opening goal for the 'beath. Airdrie's Kenny Arthur then saved a penalty in the first half to keep his side in the game, but shortly after the re-start, his team-mate Marc Warren was shown the red card. He shall no doubt be getting a Warren-ing about his future conduct. Lewis Coult and Marc McKenzie scored late on to compound United's misery. I have not included any cow/beef puns in this write-up so here are a few for you to add at your own leisure: Cowden are moo-ving up the table, it was a meaty performance, the opposition were in a stew and/or mince, Colin Cameron is steer-ing his team in the right direction, the steaks were high, Airdrie were slaughtered, ... And so forth.
Game 4: Celtic vs Hibernian
Prediction: Draw (Aye!)
The direct opposite of the previous game, I had no confidence whatsoever in this result and it actually happened! The SPL champions were ahead twice in this game, but both times The Hibees bounced back to take a well-earned point away from Parkhead (and more importantly, allow Motherwell to move top of the league!) The opening goal came from Swedish chokladbrulé med hallon* Mikael Lustig but Hibs came out fighting after the break and equalised through Tim Clancy, who sounds like he should be writing crime novels. Fifteen minutes later and Celtic were back in front,
Game 5: Rotherham United vs Bradford City
Prediction: Home win (Aye!)
We're on a roll now! Rotherham invited Bradford over to the New York Stadium for a kickabout on a mild September afternoon and proceeded to teach them a lesson in football! And modern studies. The game started with a bang as Rotherham took the lead after fifty-five seconds. Midfielder Michael O'Conner notched the first goal, whilst his father Des and mother Sinead watched proudly from the stands. United could have been further in front as Kyel Reid, whose parents clearly cannot spell, missed a sitter. But Gareth Evans soon doubled the lead, turning in Ben Pringle's cross before turning provider as Pringle made it three before half time. To keep the paternal theme going, Bradford manager Phil Parkinson phoned his dad Michael at half time for tactical advice, but his old man simply muttered about insurance and free pens for obtaining a quote, leaving the Bantams manager confused and penless. Nothing of note happened in the second half until the eighty-sixth minute when Evans bagged his second, delighting Rotherham fans. And their fathers.
Game 6: West Ham vs Fulham
Prediction: Home win (Aye!)
An early start on Saturday and one that I was not very confident about as Fulham have been consistent and enjoyable to watch under the leadership of Martin Jol. The Hammers made headlines on the last day of transfer dealings when they brought Andy Carroll in from Liverpool and according to reports he 'shone' on his début. I imagine this was a result of overexposure to radioactive materials. Like Rotherham, West Ham got off to a fine start with Kevin Nolan scoring inside the first minute to put his sisters in the mood for dancing. Winston Reid, who should really be in Whitehall with a name like that, headed in a second to give the home-side breathing space and soon after, Matt Taylor added a third before the referee signalled for half-time. Fulham had a couple of chances in the second half but could not find the net. This was because of Sam Allardyce's new frowned-upon tactic of hiding it during the break. The Cottager's own deadline day signing, and Wacky Races villain, Dimitar Berbatov also had some skilful moments but alas, the damage had already been done.
Game 7: Cardiff City vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
Prediction: Away win (Naw!)
Our good run stops here as the only away prediction of the week failed. The
Three out of seven then. Definitely an improvement on last week but still nowhere near that fortune that The Grambler has foretold. We shall see what next week brings. Probably another incorrect Blackburn prediction...
I have an exciting plug this week. A friend has started a rolling accumulator to turn £10 into £300 via 'safe' bets. I was going to say that it was working very well thus far, but he has just lost close to £100 that had built up through the week and thus been forced to start over. It is a good read though and if you are after tips, it is without a doubt better than the above nonsense! Read all about it at FootyProfit!
Continuing with the tradition of finishing with a quote, here is playwright George Bernard Shaw on Gambling:
"The golden rule is that there are no golden rules."
I think that he may also have invented Fight Club.
*Chocolate crème brulee with raspberries; my Swedish is not particularly good.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Week 3: Deadline day drama for The Grambler!
Yes that's right, we have an EXCLUSIVE! deadline day transfer to inform you about! Maicon to Man City? Nah! Berbatov to Fulham? Pah! Moutinho to Spurs? Splah!
Nope... For you see, and you heard it here first remember, I can report a transfer which will surprise, excite and arouse in equal measure. The Grambler has moved from Microsoft Office Home 2010 to Microsoft Office Student 2007! Exciting stuff, eh?
Well I hope you are all enjoying Deadline Day as much as I am. The closure of the window may prove to be the right time to change your fantasy football team or reconsider your regular normal-people bets, but it has no bearing on The Grambler. The draw has been made and I shall stand by the results until Sunday evening when I shall once again be cursing all fourteen teams involved for not fixing the games for the sake of my bet. 1:Onto business then...
Game 1: Leeds United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Home win
What is going on here!? Three weeks of Grambling, three appearances for Blackburn Rovers! The good thing is that one of these predictions was correct and the other was very close to being correct, if it weren't for the part where it was wrong. Both sides have won two of their three games this season, although Blackburn sit higher in the league. But Rovers have not won an away game since the 10th of March, against fellow relegatees Wolves (more on them later.) Leeds have not been too busy in the lead up to the transfer window closure. They have managed to extend the contract of prize asset Ross McCormack and added an experienced goalkeeper in Paddy Kenny and a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible twat in El Hadji Diouf. The Chickenmeisters have added a number of new faces through the summer and have today finalised a club-record deal for Huddersfield goal-machine Jordan Rhodes and the Scrabble-winningly named Grzegorz Sandomierski . Hopefully they will have woeful débuts.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/10
Game 2: Cheltenham Town vs Acrington Stanley
Prediction: Draw
Another familiar name popping up here in Acrington Stanley . It is a random selection, I swear! Once again, the two sides have won two of their opening three games, with Cheltenham higher in the league due to a draw in their other match. The transfer window has a lesser effect on the lower leagues, with loan signings still a possibility, but Acrington have managed to re-sign former midfielder and Benin internationalist Romuald Boco today. Interestingly, the last three times that these two sides have met at Whaddon Road, there has been a win apiece and one draw so one could argue that they are evenly matched. Even more interestingly, Cheltenham's manager once played guitar for 90s pop-rockers Terrorvision. Either that or two people may have the same name, which is a ludicrous suggestion!
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 11/4
Game 3: Airdrie United vs Cowdenbeath
Prediction: Home win
Scottish football returns to The Grambler! The original Franchise FC and disturbingly-meaty-sounding Cowdenbeath have each amassed six points in their opening three games with both teams having lost to Dunfermline this season. Airdrie have won four out of their last five home games whilst the 'beath remain unbeaten in their last five away games so this could be close. Not a great deal of activity from either side on transfer deadline day... Airdrie have added nine new faces (along with other body parts) over the summer, including Jersey Premiership player of the year Jack Boyle. Wow. They also appear to have a player with the surname Sally. Meanwhile, Cowdenbeath have gone for Championship Manager tactics and signed a bunch of foreign players because they have cool names. Theses include Pablo Navas, Zephaniah Thomas and Ruben Garcia Rey. In conclusion, I don't have a clue.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 6/4
Game 4: Celtic vs Hibernian
Result: Draw
Staying in Scotland, we have our least likely result of the day. Celtic are fully expected to ease towards the SPL title this season following the demise of Rangers and have thus far won two and drawn one. Hibs had a poor season last year; despite reaching the Scottish Cup Final, they finished in 11th place in the league. They have had a good start to the season with two wins, one draw and one loss. They have also been known to turn on the style in the past when playing either half of the Old Firm, so who knows? Celtic have however just qualified for the Champions League and so their players and fans will be full of confidence. No new signings for Hibs thus far on D-Day but Celtic have added Nigerian Efe Ambrose. A bit of a risky signing as I hear he was previously in custardy (Ambrose... Ambrosia... Ach, never mind!)
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 5/1
Game 5: Rotherham United vs Bradford City
Prediction: Home win
A second appearance for Rotherham United, and Grambler fans may remember that the previous prediction involving them was correct! The Millers have had a reasonable start to the season with four points from their opening three games. However, Bradford sit ahead of them in the league with six points from their opening trio of matches. Rotherham have won four of their last five home games whilst Bradford have lost four of their last five away games, which makes this prediction sound promising. The corresponding game last season finished with a 3-0 victory for the home side, so let's hope for more of the same! Neither team appears to have put in any effort on deadline day which limits what I can actually write here... Did you know that the Chuckle Brothers hail from Rotherham? I didn't know this.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 4/5
Game 6: West Ham vs Fulham
Prediction: Home win
Woohoo, a Premiership game featuring two teams who have been busy before the transfer window closes! The Hammers started the season with a win but then followed it up with a 3-0 humbling at the hands of Swansea. They have reacted to this by adding Liverpool outcast Andy Carroll to their ranks. In case anyone thought it was a dream, Kenny Dalglish genuinely paid £35 million for him... Fulham had a great start to the season with a 5-0 win over Norwich but lost at Old Trafford last week. They have had a busy day, signing Dimitar Berbatov and Keiran Richardson. West Ham fans will be hoping that Fulham's midweek sale of Mousa Dembelle to Spurs will have weakened the team. The Hammers faithful will also expect to see a massive switch in tactics this weekend, as Sam Allardyce uses all of his management nous to change from lumping the ball up the park towards Carlton Cole to lumping the ball up the park towards Andy Carroll.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result 6/4
Game 7: Cardiff City vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
Prediction: Away win
Our only away win prediction this week comes from Wales, where perennial play-off-pushers Cardiff face perennial relegation-sufferers Wolves. Neither team has had the start to the season that they would have hoped for, each winning one, drawing one and losing one. Cardiff have not lost in their past five home games but have drawn in three of those. Wolves meanwhile have lost three of five away games. However, this stretches back to their Premiership campaign where they were quite frankly awful. Cardiff have one deadline deal to tie up, with the BBC declaring that they aim to 'capture' West Ham's Nicky Maynard. Malky Mackay has been spotted outside Upton Park with an oversized fishing net. Wolves may choose to start their new French signing Bakary Sako... Employing my constantly developing linguistic skills once again, I can confirm that his name translates to 'bakery sack.'
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Quickly tallying things up on the Grambulator (a modified calculator), I am told that the total odds for this week's bet shall be...
2,037/1!!!
The Bobby Moore Fund will surely be chuffed with this donation which is certain to be heading their way!
I shall be glued to Sky Sports News over the weekend, hopeful of my first sweet, sweet taste of victory. I hereby invite you to join me for the results and analysis on Sunday evening.
Nope... For you see, and you heard it here first remember, I can report a transfer which will surprise, excite and arouse in equal measure. The Grambler has moved from Microsoft Office Home 2010 to Microsoft Office Student 2007! Exciting stuff, eh?
Well I hope you are all enjoying Deadline Day as much as I am. The closure of the window may prove to be the right time to change your fantasy football team or reconsider your regular normal-people bets, but it has no bearing on The Grambler. The draw has been made and I shall stand by the results until Sunday evening when I shall once again be cursing all fourteen teams involved for not fixing the games for the sake of my bet. 1:Onto business then...
Game 1: Leeds United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Home win
What is going on here!? Three weeks of Grambling, three appearances for Blackburn Rovers! The good thing is that one of these predictions was correct and the other was very close to being correct, if it weren't for the part where it was wrong. Both sides have won two of their three games this season, although Blackburn sit higher in the league. But Rovers have not won an away game since the 10th of March, against fellow relegatees Wolves (more on them later.) Leeds have not been too busy in the lead up to the transfer window closure. They have managed to extend the contract of prize asset Ross McCormack and added an experienced goalkeeper in Paddy Kenny and a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible twat in El Hadji Diouf. The Chickenmeisters have added a number of new faces through the summer and have today finalised a club-record deal for Huddersfield goal-machine Jordan Rhodes and the Scrabble-winningly named Grzegorz Sandomierski . Hopefully they will have woeful débuts.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/10
Game 2: Cheltenham Town vs Acrington Stanley
Prediction: Draw
Another familiar name popping up here in Acrington Stanley . It is a random selection, I swear! Once again, the two sides have won two of their opening three games, with Cheltenham higher in the league due to a draw in their other match. The transfer window has a lesser effect on the lower leagues, with loan signings still a possibility, but Acrington have managed to re-sign former midfielder and Benin internationalist Romuald Boco today. Interestingly, the last three times that these two sides have met at Whaddon Road, there has been a win apiece and one draw so one could argue that they are evenly matched. Even more interestingly, Cheltenham's manager once played guitar for 90s pop-rockers Terrorvision. Either that or two people may have the same name, which is a ludicrous suggestion!
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 11/4
Game 3: Airdrie United vs Cowdenbeath
Prediction: Home win
Scottish football returns to The Grambler! The original Franchise FC and disturbingly-meaty-sounding Cowdenbeath have each amassed six points in their opening three games with both teams having lost to Dunfermline this season. Airdrie have won four out of their last five home games whilst the 'beath remain unbeaten in their last five away games so this could be close. Not a great deal of activity from either side on transfer deadline day... Airdrie have added nine new faces (along with other body parts) over the summer, including Jersey Premiership player of the year Jack Boyle. Wow. They also appear to have a player with the surname Sally. Meanwhile, Cowdenbeath have gone for Championship Manager tactics and signed a bunch of foreign players because they have cool names. Theses include Pablo Navas, Zephaniah Thomas and Ruben Garcia Rey. In conclusion, I don't have a clue.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 6/4
Game 4: Celtic vs Hibernian
Result: Draw
Staying in Scotland, we have our least likely result of the day. Celtic are fully expected to ease towards the SPL title this season following the demise of Rangers and have thus far won two and drawn one. Hibs had a poor season last year; despite reaching the Scottish Cup Final, they finished in 11th place in the league. They have had a good start to the season with two wins, one draw and one loss. They have also been known to turn on the style in the past when playing either half of the Old Firm, so who knows? Celtic have however just qualified for the Champions League and so their players and fans will be full of confidence. No new signings for Hibs thus far on D-Day but Celtic have added Nigerian Efe Ambrose. A bit of a risky signing as I hear he was previously in custardy (Ambrose... Ambrosia... Ach, never mind!)
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 5/1
Game 5: Rotherham United vs Bradford City
Prediction: Home win
A second appearance for Rotherham United, and Grambler fans may remember that the previous prediction involving them was correct! The Millers have had a reasonable start to the season with four points from their opening three games. However, Bradford sit ahead of them in the league with six points from their opening trio of matches. Rotherham have won four of their last five home games whilst Bradford have lost four of their last five away games, which makes this prediction sound promising. The corresponding game last season finished with a 3-0 victory for the home side, so let's hope for more of the same! Neither team appears to have put in any effort on deadline day which limits what I can actually write here... Did you know that the Chuckle Brothers hail from Rotherham? I didn't know this.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 4/5
Game 6: West Ham vs Fulham
Prediction: Home win
Woohoo, a Premiership game featuring two teams who have been busy before the transfer window closes! The Hammers started the season with a win but then followed it up with a 3-0 humbling at the hands of Swansea. They have reacted to this by adding Liverpool outcast Andy Carroll to their ranks. In case anyone thought it was a dream, Kenny Dalglish genuinely paid £35 million for him... Fulham had a great start to the season with a 5-0 win over Norwich but lost at Old Trafford last week. They have had a busy day, signing Dimitar Berbatov and Keiran Richardson. West Ham fans will be hoping that Fulham's midweek sale of Mousa Dembelle to Spurs will have weakened the team. The Hammers faithful will also expect to see a massive switch in tactics this weekend, as Sam Allardyce uses all of his management nous to change from lumping the ball up the park towards Carlton Cole to lumping the ball up the park towards Andy Carroll.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result 6/4
Game 7: Cardiff City vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
Prediction: Away win
Our only away win prediction this week comes from Wales, where perennial play-off-pushers Cardiff face perennial relegation-sufferers Wolves. Neither team has had the start to the season that they would have hoped for, each winning one, drawing one and losing one. Cardiff have not lost in their past five home games but have drawn in three of those. Wolves meanwhile have lost three of five away games. However, this stretches back to their Premiership campaign where they were quite frankly awful. Cardiff have one deadline deal to tie up, with the BBC declaring that they aim to 'capture' West Ham's Nicky Maynard. Malky Mackay has been spotted outside Upton Park with an oversized fishing net. Wolves may choose to start their new French signing Bakary Sako... Employing my constantly developing linguistic skills once again, I can confirm that his name translates to 'bakery sack.'
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Quickly tallying things up on the Grambulator (a modified calculator), I am told that the total odds for this week's bet shall be...
2,037/1!!!
The Bobby Moore Fund will surely be chuffed with this donation which is certain to be heading their way!
I shall be glued to Sky Sports News over the weekend, hopeful of my first sweet, sweet taste of victory. I hereby invite you to join me for the results and analysis on Sunday evening.
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