Week 36: What the Hell do we do now!?

You may recall last season ending in rather dramatic fashion with that Aguero stoppage type goal against QPR prising the title from the clutches of Manchester United.  Well, this season is slightly different.  The relegation spots are filled, the title has been decided, runners-up are already in place and unless something ridiculous happens, Chelsea have have third sewn up.  So the only matter of interest is the race for fourth place.  Can you feel the excitement?  No, neither can I.  

There are of course play-off finals taking place which are far more exciting. With places up for grabs in the Championship and Premiership, Brentford will take on Yeovil tomorrow and Crystal Palace play Watford a week on Monday respectively.  And of course the Champions League final takes place next weekend so there is still something to look forward to.  But then, a whole summer without football!  Nooooooooooooooo!

This week's Grambler is made up entirely from Premiership games.  We have the usual three game accumulator and since it's the last round of games of the season... The Super Mega Awesome Grambler!  A ten game accumulator attempting to pick the winners of every Premiership games at random...  This is the bet that will prove whether there really are any footballing Gods supporting The Grambler!

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland - Home win - 2/7

West Brom vs Man Utd - Draw - 29/10

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Away win - 11/20

£1 @ 7/1

Oddly, The Grambler has managed to choose the only two games that actually matter in this accumulator, adding a little excitement to the proceedings.  Spurs will be hopeful of bettering Arsenal's result to pinch fourth place and the delicious Champions League football that comes with it.  Sunderland do not need to achieve anything following Wigan's midweek relegation but manager and horrible fascist (lest we forget) Paulo Di Canio might still have to prove to some supporters that he is the man to lead them next season.  Tickets are allegedly changing hands for thousands of pounds ahead of West Brom's tie against Man Utd.  This will of course be Sir Alex Ferguson's last game in charge and perhaps we should expect him to round off an illustrious career with a win.  The Baggies have also had a reasonable season and a point against the Champions would conclude things nicely.  Arsenal travel to Tyneside needing a win to secure fourth spot in the league but given the right results elsewhere, could force a 3rd/4th place play-off with Chelsea.  It is highly unlikely, however.  Newcastle will be relieved to find themselves safe having unexpectedly been dragged into a relegation fight towards the end of the season.  As with most teams at this stage of the season, they will no doubt still send out a strong starting line-up with instructions to win purely for the purposes of selling season tickets for next year.

Super Mega Awesome Grambler! accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Chelsea vs Everton - Home win - 8/11

Liverpool vs QPR - Draw - 6/1

Man City vs Norwich - Home win - 1/3

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Draw - 18/5

Southampton vs Stoke - Away win - 4/1

Swansea vs Fulham - Home win - 4/5

Spurs vs Sunderland - Draw - 5/1

West Brom vs Man Utd - Away win - 5/6

West Ham vs Reading - Home win - 4/6

Wigan vs Aston Villa - Away win - 13/5

50p @ 44,048/1

Check out those odds!  I am genuinely excited by this bet!  It is so horrendously wrong that it has to be right!  What a perfect way to round of the season that would be too.  I can then sell my story to the Daily Record or some equally poor 'newspaper', write the Grambler book over the summer, start recording my Christmas single in Autumn and by the end of the year, an estimated £1.6 million will on it's way to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research!  Not that I'm setting my hopes unreasonably high or anything...

We shall return next week for the final Grambler of the season, a Champions League special. And then, who knows...?

STOP PRESS!!!!
Exciting news as I have decided to add a Eurovision bet to this week's proceedings!  The Grambler has selected Russia, who this year shall be represented by Dina Garipova singing What If (which turns out not to be a Lightning Seeds cover).  I'm not sure about this choice... Russia were robbed last year as the singing grannies of Buranovskiye Babushki were by far the best act of the night but failed to take the gong, maybe this could be their year?  The Russian entry is 16/1 to win outright so I have bet a quid each way and any winnings will go to the usual charidee.  Here is Miss Garipova in action for those of you curious enough...

Week 30: Happy Jesus' death day!

Glad to be back to good ol' league football after an international break which proved devastating for both the Grambler's bets and my faith in the Scotland national team.  Wins for Holland and the mighty Uzbekistan on Tuesday gave us a grand total of two out of five correct predictions which the chairman has deemed 'not good enough.'  The newspapers were full of talk of The Grambler's imminent sacking on Wednesday morning but after crunch talks with the board, he/she/it has been given a vote of confidence, but been warned that results must change before the end of the season.  There will be a great deal of pressure on all staff at Grambler Park this week and some good predictions will be expected to alleviate shareholders and fans alike.

Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Swansea vs Tottenham - Draw - 2/5
Aberdeen vs Hearts - Home win - 7/5
Preston vs Portsmouth - Home win - 4/6
Ipswich vs Leeds - Home win - 23/20
Queen of the South vs Brechin - Home win - 4/11
50p @ 39/1

With Tottenham looking to seize 4th place from rivals Chelsea, a trip to Swansea may appear daunting.  The League cup winners may be back in 9th place but their home form has been impressive this season.  Swansea manager Michael Laudrup has warned Spurs that they could suffer from the 'FIFA virus'; an illness comparable to chlamydia whereby a one-night stand with international football leaves one unable to perform.  Aberdeen have finally moved Granpaw Broon into a granny flat beside Pittodrie and appointed former St Johnstone boss Derek McInnes, breaking a club tradition of only stealing Motherwell managers.  The Dons sit 9th in the SPL, although the fans still reckon that it's 1989 and they're challenging for the title.  Hearts have already been through their annual managerial turmoil, replacing John McGlynn with Gary Locke who will inevitably be sacked at the end of the season anyway.  Preston boss Simon Grayson has pretty much written off this season but claims that the foundations are in place for a promotion push next year.  He has overseen just one win in six games since taking over.  Portsmouth look likely to continue their unstoppable slide down the leagues with relegation to League Two this year.  It's almost like spending beyond their means in the Premiership leading to financial instability and seasons of poor performances on the pitch was a bad idea.  Who was manager then again?  Oh yeah, 'Sir' Harry Redknapp...  Since taking over as Ipswich gaffer earlier in the season, Mick McCarthy has taken his side from bottom to something resembling safety.  However, the Tractorboys have the lowest number of goals for in the Championship.  And the worst nickname.  Neil Warnock has said that if Leeds fail to gain promotion to the Premiership this season, he will leave the club.  Currently 10th, a play-off spot is not mathematically impossible but with 2 wins in the past 10 games, he'd best start packing his  bags.

Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game - Result - Odds
Wigan vs Norwich - Home win - 10/11
Southampton vs Chelsea - Home win - 5/8
Everton vs Stoke - Draw - 11/4
50p @ 24/1

Wigan have reached that point in the season where they occasionally remember to win some games but they are still in the relegation zone.  Roberto Martinez expects his team to attack and be aggressive in their fight for survival.  Apparently Callum McManaman took this too literally...  Norwich have had a good season, although with probably a few more draws than they would like.  They have already started planning for next season by bolstering their attack with a club-record signing of the man with the greatest name in world football; Ricky van Wolfswinkel!  Just months ago, Southampton looked like they were already doomed.  But the appointment of Mauricio Pochettino may prove to be a shrewd one with the Saints joint on points with Sunderland in 15th.  Pochettino's only 2 wins have come against Manchester City and Liverpool, so Chelsea might not seem so daunting to him.  The Blues have moved past Spurs to 3rd in the Premiership and Rafa Benitez will be looking to hold onto this position, lest the Chelsea fans somehow turn against him even more.  The reverse fixture ended in a 2-2 draw back in January, and this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for Nigel Adkins.  Everton will once again be aiming to finish ahead of their noisy neighbours this season and so far lead the way with a 3 point advantage as well as a game in hand.  They were surprise victors against Manchester City prior to the international break and will hope that this form will not have been disturbed by the interval.  Stoke look set to end the season with their usual mid-table finish having gained no new fans as a result of their style of football.  But on a positive note, they will no longer be lumbered with the waste of space, self publicising, deluded, former footballer Michael Owen.

Three goalscorer accumulator
Scorer - Match - Odds
Michu - Swansea vs Tottenham - 8/5
Dimitar Berbatov - Fulham vs QPR - 10/11
Edin Dzeko - Manchester City vs Newcastle - 20/21
50p @ 9/1

Michu will undoubtedly go down as the find of the season having cost Michael Laudrup just £2 million and going on to score 15 league goals already this season.  Spurs kept a clean-sheet against Swansea back in December and will be aiming to keep Michu quiet once again.  Berbatov has been a pleasure to watch in the Premiership for the past 7 seasons with some memorable goals.  He is Fulham's top scorer this season with 11 but was not on the scoresheet when QPR defeated Fulham 2-1 earlier in the season.  Dzeko is perhaps the one of the most under-appreciated players at Manchester City with rumours constantly abound that the Bosnian striker will be sold off at the end of the season.  With 12 league goals this season, he is City's top scorer.  However, Roberto Mancini may not start with the striker following his international involvement during the week.

And that's yer lot!  Three relatively plausible bets to follow this weekend which could bring in a massive £36 for the Bobby Moore Fund.  And as always, remember; if you are Grambling under the age of 12, make sure you do so with the help of a responsible adult.

Week 28: All hail Pope Franny Jeffers the First!

Ah, the excitement of Grambling!  Or it is slightly more exciting anyway, thanks to the New! Improved flavour! Grambler.  Last weekend saw us reach half past 5 in the afternoon with two bets still in with a chance of winning...  That,s right, TWO BETS!!! And in a somewhat strange twist of events... One of them actually won!  Granted, it was only £4.50 (damn you Edin Dzeko, you were supposed to score!) but every little helps as we attempt to bring down the bastarding super-villain better known as El Cancero.  With that win, The Grambler (with help from The Grasmblerzhgi) has raised £88.53 for the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Hooray!

It makes sense to stick the format which brought mild success last week so we have a further three bets to enjoy this weekend.  If you don't want to know the full-time scores, look away now:

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Celtic vs Aberdeen - Home win - 1/4

Annan vs Clyde - Home win - 4/5

Coventry vs Hartlepool - Home win - 8/11

MK Dons vs Tranmere - Draw - 9/4

Forfar vs Stenhousemuir - Away win - 23/10

50p @ 41/1

"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes..."   So sang William Hague, or some other person; I'm not really sure.  Such is the excitement of this week's opening bet.  Can ya feel it!?  No?  Ok , it is slightly dull and for some reason, Coventry keep appearing - perhaps taking all of their turns whilst the club still exists?  There is a potential slip-up for SPL leaders Celtic as Aberdeen travel South... Annan vs Clyde sounds more like a case being dragged through the civil law courts...  Tranmere will still be hopeful of topping League One and a win in Milton Keynes could move them to second spot...  And Stenhousemuir are just not going to beat Forfar but will enjoy the trip and have the chance to stop for some bridies on the way home.

Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9

Aston Villa vs QPR - Draw - 12/5

Man Utd vs Reading - Home win - 1/7

£1 @ 4.6/1

In this weekend's actually interesting bet, the odds are low but the chances of winning are (hopefully) high.  We start at White Hart Lane where Spurs take on Fulham.  Spurs are one of the top teams on form in the Premiership right now but a loss to Liverpool last weekend prevented them from cementing their stranglehold on third place.  Speaking of form, Aston Villa are a bit crap.  The gamble of bringing in Paul Lambert as manager has not quite paid off, but the fans don't mind because he's not Alex McLeish.  Speaking of managers, QPR's Harry Redknapp... Actually, I'm not going to bother.  In other QPR news, on-loan Spurs winger Andros Townsend this week admitted that he's not Gareth Bale, ending month's of speculation.  And a formality to round things off as champions-elect Man Utd take on managerless relegation-fodder Reading.  And according to one journalist, Brian McDermott got the sack because owner Anton Zingarevic didn't find him sexy enough.  Paulo di Canio seems to have emerged as a frontrunner for the vacancy; a folk- hero loved by the people for his crazy antics.  Like being a horrible, violent, self-professed fascist.  Ah crazy Paulo, what will he do next?

Bet 3: Three goalscorer 'anytime' accumulator

Scorer - Game - Odds

Wayne Rooney - Man Utd vs Reading - 1/2

Santi Cazorla - Swansea vs Arsenal - 9/4

Shane Long - Stoke vs West Brom - 9/4

50p @ 15/1

This week's 'anytime goalscorer' bet kicks off with a man who has been in the news a lot recently.  Sir Alex Ferguson this week assured the fans that Wayne Rooney would not be sold at the end of the season, which in Sir's terms generally means he's going to sell him at the end of the season.  Rooney is getting slower, fatter, balder and uglier (wasn't that a Daft Punk song?), but PSG have been linked with a big-money move for the man who can still score plenty of goals.  Santi Cazorla has been one of the brighter points of Arsenal's season as they have crashed out of competition after competition.  Following their narrow failure to survive in the Champions League this week, Arsene Wenger will be expecting a positive reaction.  Can Cazorla assist with a goal?  All signs point to maybe... And finally, Shane Long has already provided West Brom with a respectable six goals this season.  But unfortunately for him, the only reason anyone remembers his name is because he has partenered Simon Cox for club and country.  Making a strike duo of Long - Cox.  Fnar fnar!

A humongous total of £50 is up for grabs this week as The Grambler promises all of the excitement of an episode of Fun House, but without the fun house.  Or the mullet.  Or the go-karts.  Or the twins.  Or the chance to win a fleece.  There is actually very little by way of comparison now that I think about it...

Week 23 (although we missed a few...): The much heralded return of The Grambler!

There comes a point in every player's career where they decide enough is enough, hang up the ol' boots, take off the ol' shin-guards and air out the ol' jockstrap.  Tradition stated that footballers would invest in a pub.  Or in Paul Gascoigne's case, drink the contents of several (oh shut up, it's topical!)

But for some players, the call of the beautiful game is too alluring.  Stanley Matthews played on until the age of 50.  Romario came out of retirement to go on to claim a (disputed) 1,000th career-goal.  More recently, Paul Scholes came out of retirement to prove that he could still trot around the midfield looking fat and ginger whilst occasionally scoring a screamer.   

So whilst injuries and ailments have curtailed what was a most promising Grambling career, there is no reason why I should throw in the towel just yet.  I have been in talks with my various agents who have all begged me to re-consider my knee-jerk retiral and I have decided to continue for the time being.  So watch out bowel cancer, I ain't done fighting you yet!  That massive multi-hundred pounds windfall for the Booby Moore Fund could be just a weekend away!

Oh, and did I mention the Grambler t-shirt?  I'm pretty sure that I mentioned the Grambler t-shirt.  You should buy a Grambler t-shirt!  A few people have already bought a Grambler t-shirt.  The Grambler t-shirt in question looks very nice too!

Game 1: Blackburn Rovers vs Ipswich Town
Prediction: Home win
Remember the days when Blackburn would appear here every week?  Well since then, they have apppointed approximately 143 managers.  Currently enjoying his 15 minutes in the hotseat is Michael Aplleton, who joined Rovers after a spell of five games in charge of Blackpool.  But his knowledge of chicken based products earned him the trust of the Ewood Park bosses and he has guided Rovers to a towering position of... em.. 13th in the Championship.  Rovers could give a début to new loan signing and popular entertainment act at children's birthday parties throughout Lancashire, DJ Campbell.  Ipswich have also been affected by managerial change this season.  Paul Jewell insisted that he could turn the Tractorboys' season around but was relieved of his duties back in October with the side dead bottom.  Mick McCarthy has since brought some stability but the club are only four points outside of the relegation zone.  They will also have to make-do without their top-scorer who bagged ten goals in the first half of the season only to return to his parent club in January.  The man in question?  Loan signing and popular entertainment act at children's birthday parties throughout Lancashire, DJ Campbell.
Odds on this result: Evens


Game 2: Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs Celtic
Prediction: Home win
It's a top of the table clash at the Tulloch Caledonian Stadium where 2nd will play host to 1st on a chilly Highland Saturday morning.  Exciting stuff!  Or it least, it would be if the championship was not already a foregone conclusion.  But ignoring top and bottom in the SPL, it's actually a rather exciting season.  Honest!  Just nine points separate 2nd top from 2nd bottom and the the race for second place in the absence of one half of the Old Firm (who are busy releasing some bizarre paranoia-fuelled statements about the media, so cringeworthy that anyone would think that they were written by Jim Traynor...) is wide open.  Terry Butcher has voiced concerns over the fitness of forwards Richie Foran and Andrew Shinnie, but if it comes to it, I'm sure he'll find some fresh meat.  Celtic will be favourites to win this match, without a doubt, but two things may stand in their way; 1) they have slipped up in this fixture in the past and 2) they may have one eye on a particularly bigger tie on Tuesday.  Namely, the Conference Premier battle between Cambridge United and Alfreton Town.  Celtic will be without Efe Ambrose who is either representing Nigeria at the African Cup of Nations or at a sales conference for creamy Devon Custard products.
Odds on this result: 9/2

Game 3: Peterborough United vs Leicester City
Prediction: Away win
Poorly Peterborough currently prop up the Championship table with a meagre 27 points.  One win in the last five attempts will have given the Posh faithful little to smile about, but it's not all bad news; they have only lost 60% of their home games this season.  Oh wait, it is all bad news.  To top of a miserable spell for the side, club captain and notable prankster Gabriel Zakuani has been charged with animal cruelty for stapling a blindfold on to George Boyd's guide dog.  Meanwhile, Leicester are riding high and sipping champagne-substitute in the lofty perch of 2nd place.  Despite a 10 point gap between the Foxes and top-side Cardiff, Leicester are the only team in the league to have managed a 100% record for their games played in 2013.  Can they hold their nerve for an automatic promotion spot?  According to this source: Maybe!  The sides have met already this season, Leicester emerging victorious thanks to goals from King and Morgan.  Or some guy called King Morgan, my records are a little jumbled.
Odds on this result: 7/10

Game 4: Swansea City vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Home win
For the past two years, Swansea have been everyone's Yeah, I Don't Really Support Them But They're Nice To Watch And I Like To See Them Win As Long As It Is Not Against My Own Team team.  Their blend of stylish football under Brendan Rodgers has been replaced by a blend of stylish football under Michel Laudrup and let's face it, everyone currently has a bit of a man-crush on Michu.  But stylish football only counts for so much and the Swans have only won 2 in 10.  In 5 of those games, they failed to score a single goal.  With Laudrup selling Danny Graham in the transfer window without replacing him, and Michu going 6 games without a goal, can they maintain their top-six status?  QPR have had a tough season.  I would have liked to have seen them turn it around and survive, I really would.  But then they appointed Harry Redknapp.  (Alleged) tax-evader, (alleged) bribe-taker, player tapper-upper, best-buddies-with-the-media, smug, 'England's saviour', wheeler-dealer... He really is the most unlikeable bawbag in football, isn't he?  Coming in as QPR manager, he promised new tactics and a fresh outlook... Of course he didn't!  I was just kidding!  He waited for the transfer window, hung out of his car window all day chatting up the journos and threw piles and piles of cash at players!  £12 million for Samba?  I'll take three!  Loic Remy wants how much a week?  Double it!  With any luck they will go down, but loveable 'Arry will jump ship, blame the chairman and find a bank account in a dead pet's name full of cash to enjoy, whilst Henry Winter and the other dinosaurs in the football media push for him to get a knighthood.  As for QPR?  Financial ruin.  Players leaving for minimal fees.  Wage promises that cannot be fulfilled.  How are Portsmouth doing these days?  Top, top lad, that 'Arry is!  Summary: I don't like him.
Odds on this result: 5/6


Game 5: Queen of the South vs Stenhousemuir
Prediction: Home win
And this week's Grambler fizzles out there, with a trip to the Scottish Second Division where league-leaders Queen of the South take on a Stenhousemuir side which has faltered around the table's midway point for most of the season.  Queens' manager Allan Johnston has his side playing with mucho confidence at the moment and this is shown in their record of eight wins and a draw in the last nine games.  Surprisingly, Johnston is a) The Alan Johnston who was capped 18 times by Scotland (mostly by Berti 'everyone gets a cap!' Vogts) and b) Still playing despite being 56.  With odds of 9/1 to take all three points from this game, the visitors may not fancy their chances.  But fans may be placated purely by the fact that their team has a player called Daniel Exposito-Hepburn.  Seriously, read that name again... It has everything!  I can imagine a Bond villain, Hollywood star, royal family hanger-on and corrupt African diamond mine owner rolled into one.  See what your missing out on, BBC?  Stay tuned for more expert analysis courtesy of The Grambler!  
Odds on this result: 2/7

Which brings us to a grand total 44/1 for this weeks proud return to the Grambling arena.  Not a bad bet really, the main cause for concern is obviously our trip to the Highlands for the SPL game but Juventus beckon for Celtic and a hiccup would be understandable.

With that over and done with, it's time to take of the ol' boots off once again and pour a nice cuppa to reflect upon a glorious career... One which may now continue into the twilight years (or months(or weeks)).

Week 14 Results: Cím magyarul nincs valódi oka.

Another poor performance from The Grambler as only two out of five predictions came out on top.  However, to focus on the positives, as a result of cutting down the number of games involved, this represented a massive 40% of correct predictions!

Away from the football, there was exciting news today as scientists (or 'boffins' as they prefer to be known) have confirmed that they have been able reverse paralysis in dogs after injecting them with cells grown from the lining of their nose.  However, they have not answered the question which is everyone's lips...

How does it smell?

'Ere is them footballing results:

Game 1: Peterborough United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Away win ( ✔ )
A good start as Henning Berg claimed his first win as Blackburn manager with a comfortable 4-1 victory.  And he did not have to wait long for his side to take the lead, just 3 minutes into the match and Argentinian Mauro Formica slotted the ball into the net from a Ruben Rochina lay-off.  But the star of the show was to be Jordan Rhodes, who struck a hat-trick to secure the triumph.  His first came when he headed home from six-yards following a Martin Olsson cross, although it could easily have been recorded as an own-goal having deflected in off the hand of Peterborough defender and poshest man in football Nathaniel Knight-Percival.  Rhodes struck once more before half-time with Rochina providing another assist and the Scotsman finishing confidently.  The Posh put some pressure on their opponents after the break and came close through a Saido Berahino drive but Rovers keeper and Ramsay Street villain Paul Robinson pushed the ball overt the bar.  Rhodes completed his hat-trick in the 79th minute; Peterborough failed to clear a corner and the striker headed home to ensure victory and win a football.  Lee Tomlin grabbed a consolation late-on with a spectacular drive but the Posh faithful were already drowning their sorrows as their team slipped to bottom of the Championship.  Opening-scorer Formica took to Twitter to assure Rovers fans that this capital triumph was merely a platform from whence his colleagues can raise the team to the loftiest perch in the league.  Although he put it more elegantly; "Good victory, we to continue in this way."

Game 2: Burnley vs Charlton Athletic
Prediction: Home win ( x )
And it was all going so well...  Charlton continued their recent good form with a narrow victory over Burnley, who played 76 minutes with ten men.  Charlie Austin came close to adding to his impressive tally for the season when he headed a Keiran Trippier cross over the bar early on.  But Trippier was only to spend a few minutes longer on the pitch; a goal-mouth scramble at the other end of the pitch ended with the referee ruling that the Clarets defender had handled the ball on the line.  Trippier was off for an early bath/shower/jacuzzi depending on his preferred personal hygiene methods and the Addicks were awarded a spot-kick.  Johnnie Jackson stepped up but keeper Lee Grant did well to turn the shot past the post.  Burnley's ten-men put up a brave fight and even had chances to take the lead, most notably through a 30-yard effort from Brian Stock (a player more famed for being the heir to untold riches as his grandfather was the inventor of the eponymous cube).  The Clarets were however devastated in the 69th minute when a knock-down from Rob Hulse found Danny Haynes who fired past Grant.  The game-changing sending-off was contentious but perhaps it has been summed up best by the Burnley Express: "Referee Robert Madley’s decision to dismiss Kieran Trippier in Burnley’s 1-0 defeat to Charlton Athletic should give Sepp Blatter further food for thought."  It is delightful that someone out there thinks that the tipping-point in favour of video evidence for the most important man in world football has come in the form of a red card at Turf Moor.                  

Game 3: Queens Park Rangers vs Southampton
Prediction: Draw ( x )
I made a prediction prior to this game that at least one newspaper would go with the 'SACK RACE' headline for this game.  Well, they went one step further and dubbed this game El Sackico.  I think that is worse than anything that has ever been written on this website... And someone was paid for it!  Of course, it is looking increasingly likely that Mark Hughes will be the first Premiership managerial casualty following this result.  Nigel Adkins would have been happy with his sides performance as they rarely looked like losing control of the game.  The visitors opened the scoring on the 23rd minute when Rickie Lambert threw himself at a loose ball to head past QPR keeper Julio Cesar.  Jason Puncheon made it two before half-time via a 25-yard shot.  Rangers were given some hope after the break when Junior Hoillet flicked an Adel Taarabt cross into the net.  But any hope of a comeback was lost 7 minutes from full-time when a low cross into the Rangers' box deflected off defender Anton Ferdinand and past Cesar, who speaking after the game said "I came and I saw but I certainly did not conquer."  He didn't really...  Hughes, however, was full of quotes after the game about 'progress' and 'having the board's confidence' and other things that doomed managers often say.  Also worth noting that at the end of last season after barely surviving relegation, Hughes stated "when I said no team of mine will be in this position again, I meant it. Now we are ready for the next level." Apparently the 'next level' is relegation...
 
Game 4: Forfar Athletic vs Stenhousemuir
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Stenhousemuir staged a good comeback attempt but lost to the odd goal in five in an eventful match at Station Park.  The home-side took a fifth minute lead when Gavin Swankie got a touch on James Craigen's free-kick to put it into the bottom corner.  Swankie then doubled the lead when he knocked Mark McCulloch's cross past Robbie Thomson in the visitors goal.  The Loons would have thought that the points were wrapped up in a neat little package at this point, but the Warriors had other ideas.  Fifteen minutes before the break, Ross McMillan smashed the ball into the net from close range to half the deficit.  This gave Stenhousemuir some hope and they emerged after the break looking for an equaliser.  They were to get it in the 59th minute when Andy Rodgers was brought down in the box to win a penalty.  The striker dusted himself off to score from the spot.  But our collective hopes of a draw were ruined with 15 minutes remaining as Athletic midfielder Kevin Motion found the top right-hand corner from 12 yards out to seal the points and extend the visitors winless run to four games.  Interesting fact related to this game: Forfar defender Michael Bolochoweckyj's surname is also a semi-onomatopoeic word used to describe a trapped testicle when closing a cupboard door. 

Game 5: Northampton Town vs Wycombe Wanderers
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Wycombe wandered to the bottom of League Two following defeat at Northampton during a game in which they never really got started.  Town took the lead in this one-sided game after 26 minutes when Adebayo Akinfenwa headed in Chris Hackett's cross.  The score remained the same until half-time but two quick goals around the hour mark all but sealed the points for the home-side.  In the 61st minute, Clive Platt was brought down under a clumsy challenge from Dave Winfield and the referee had no hesitation in pointing to the spot.  Akinfenwa dispatched the spot-kick with ease for his 11th league goal this season.  Four minutes later, the lead was increased yet again courtesy of Hackett who grabbed a goal on the counter-attack as Wanderers searched for a way back into the game.  Joel Grant did eventually grab a consolation for the visitors via a penalty at the other end of the pitch but it could not stop his team leaving the Sixfields Stadium empty-handed.  Although even if they had won, they would have left empty-handed since the FA has stopped presenting league points in a physical format.  Northampton have moved a step closer to the play-off places which will delight the townsfolk almost as much as the massive coup that is getting Denise Welch to turn on the Christmas lights.

I'm going to borrow some of QPR boss (for the moment) Mark Hughes' optimism and say that this week represents progress - after all, if you think back to last week we only had a 28.57142857142857% accuracy rate.  So this is a vast improvement!

Next week's bet shall be as punctual as ever, and will appear on Thursday.  Or Friday.  Or maybe Wednesday...

"No horse can wear two saddles."

- Ancient Chinese Proverb.  

Yeah, just you think about that next time you try to put two saddles on your horse.

Week 14: Title changed for legal reasons.

Goalposts!

Some would say that they are integral to the game of football; without goalposts, there are no goals.  Without goals, there is no football.  Without football, there is no Grambler.

So we are in agreement then, goalposts are important?  But here is the thing;  no one has ever said that it is illegal to simply move the goalposts.  It is a metaphor used the world over.  In Italy, they call it "mova da golaposts!"  In Germany, "MOVE ZEE GOALPOSTS!"  In Wales, "move the goalposts, boyo!"  You get the point.

According to The FIFA document Laws of the Game 2012/2013, goalposts must be 7.32 metres apart.  However, it also stated that subject to the agreement of the member association concerned, it is permissible to change the width between the goalposts.  I am evoking this rule and as the leading member association of the Grambler Soccerball Association, I am moving the goalposts!  

Regular readers may have noticed a very slight lull in quality of this site last week.  Until now, I have listed my occupation as Grambling Overlord of the Kingdom of Earth and Her Conquered Universal Empire.  However, I have returned to my other occupation with a more restrained title which I cannot really remember and as a result, I am unable to commit the same effort to proceedings.  However, I have figured that combining the two roles may be easier by simply moving the goalposts (see, I was getting there!) to allow for five games per week rather than seven.  This will result in a more manageable blog and a slightly more realistic chance of winning something.

Is that okay with you?

Game 1: Peterborough United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Away win
We begin this week with a trip to London Road where second-bottom of the Championship Peterborough take on promotion hopefuls and former Grambler favourites Blackburn.  The Posh are not having a very good season thus far and have taken just twelve points from sixteen games, leaving them just one point ahead of bottom-placed Bristol City.  Last weeks 2-1 loss at home to Crystal Palace was followed by controversy as four players had a big night out in Peterborough resulting in on two of them being cautioned by the police.  Manager Darren Ferguson proved that he is a chip off the old block by subsequently going mental, fining the players involved and then transfer-listing them.  His father is of course Sarah, Duchess of York.  Since their last appearance on these hallowed pages, Blackburn have had a change of manager.  Out went hilariously bad Steve Kean and, following Venky's promises of a 'big-name' replacement, in came Henning Berg, a man who had told a Norwegian television station that "there are no real managers with credibility who would accept a job like that."  Good job of sticking to your ethics there, Henning!  Since his appointment, Rovers have yet to win a game, taking two points from three matches and slipping out of the play-off places.  The two sides have not met in the league since 1974/75 and Peterborough were victors in both matches that season.  Not that actually has any bearing on this match, of course.      
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 6/5


Game 2: Burnley vs Charlton Athletic
Prediction: Home win
Sticking with the Championship, Burnley are another team currently coming to terms with a managerial change.  Sean Dyche is the man in charge of the Clarets following Eddie Howe's return to Bournemouth and he has overseen two wins in three games, although lost to strugglers Ipswich last weekend.  Following said defeat, Dyche said "it was nip and tuck throughout but, on reflection, I thought we deserved at least a share of the spoils" and probably followed this up by telling reporters that he was 'over the moon' and 'sick as a parrot'.  Charlton have hit their best run of form since promotion from League One last season, with back-to-back victories in there last two matches.  They are also unbeaten in their last five away games.  The Addicks signed Wolves Icelandic midfielder Eggert Jónsson on loan last week and he could be handed his début tomorrow.  Hopefully he doesn't end up with egg on his face... Eggert is known for being hard to beat...  Fingers crossed he doesn't crack under pressure...  He is supposed to be a good poacher...  (to play along at home, think of a terrible egg related pun and insert here.)
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 3: Queens Park Rangers vs Southampton
Prediction: Draw
I am no soothsayer, but I can predict with a 100% accuracy rate that at least one of the tabloids will feature this game tomorrow under the headline 'SACK RACE.'  It is clever because both managers are potentially close to losing their job and source of income!  And a sack race is also a thing!  It works on so many levels!  It's bottom vs second-bottom in this early relegation battle and, in eleven games, QPR have failed to win a single one.  Mark Hughes has said that his job will be safe regardless of the result before cracking this fantastic joke: "The club has moved forward in a massive way since I came in the door through the work I and my staff have done."  Bwahahahahahaha!  Southampton have managed one solitary win since promotion from the Championship last season when they defeated Aston Villa back in September.  Boss Nigel Adkins is similarly optimistic to Hughes and says "we've already established that we're at the wrong end of the league table."  He is a smart one!  Let's see what else he has to say... "Every game that you look at has three points up for grabs."  Yep that's correct Nige, three points for a win.  Any more words of wisdom?  "It's a tough league that we're in but one we love being in and one we expect to be in for many, many years to come." Uh-huh...
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 13/5


Game 4: Forfar Athletic vs Stenhousemuir
Prediction: Draw
Another close game to call as third placed Forfar go head-to-head with fourth placed Stenhousemuir.  Although both teams have a long-way to go in catching league leaders Queen of the South, they will both be hopeful of remaining in the play-off spots.  Dick Campbell's side go into this match having scraped past non-league Nairn County in a five-goal cup thriller last weekend.  The Loons have lost their last three league matches and Campbell reckons that there is no time like the present to put their bad run to an end.  "There is no time like the present to put that run to an end" said Dick.  Stenhousemuir also came through a cup-replay last week but were comfortable winners as they took on Berwick on Tuesday.  Managed by the legend that is Martyn 'Kaiser' Corrigan, the Warrior's last league match ended in an horrific 7-2 defeat at the hands of Brechin.  They have also already met the Loons on home-turf this season, and on that occasion Stenny were pummelled 4-0.  Could this be a chance for revenge?  Interestingly, this game will be refereed by Barry Cook, who directed Disney's Mulan.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/5


Game 5: Northampton Town vs Wycombe Wanderers
Prediction: Home win
Northampton are currently 12th in League Two but not too far from the play-off places.  They are unbeaten in four league games and were unfortunate to be knocked out of the cup last weekend.  Unfortunately, the Cobblers are in the middle of an injury crisis and have been forced to call upon their youth team to help out.  Sixteen-year-old Ivan Toney became the youngest player ever to feature for the team in last week's defeat to Bradford City. Manager Aidy Boothroyd is wary of overexposing his young players, stating "I'm a big believer in youth but you don't want too many kids."  Try telling that to (insert name of any BBC DJ from the 1970s here.)  Wycombe are currently 'managerless', although caretaker-player/manager Gareth Ainsworth has expressed an interest in taking the job on permanently.  His case will not be helped by Wanderers current position however, above the relegation zone on goal difference alone, his side are on the same points as bottom placed Aldershot.  Ainsworth will be hopeful of a first win in over a month to help his job application.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 10/11

There you go, the goalposts have been moved, the Grambler has Grambled and the bet has been placed!  This week's odds are a lower but more attainable 114/1.  I am quietly confident that this new format will see us raking in the cash, and remember it is all for a good cause!  You can join the fun by donating directly to the Bobby Moore Fund directly via the Mrs Doyle-esque link on the left of the page. 

And the last thing that I have to say on the subject of goalposts; According to the FIFA document Laws of the Game, Law 1 - the Field of Play, Subsection: Goals

"The goalposts and crossbars MUST be white"

Further proof of the unacceptable levels of racism within the governing body.

Week 8 Results: Different recipe, same great taste!

It would appear that at some point over the weekend, I pressed a big red button which said 'do not press' quite clearly on it and somehow managed to destroy this here website.  Thankfully, the world is still intact and all of the text still existed (there is no way I was re-writing that jibberish) but I had deleted the entire template.  Having spent the past few days rebuilding, I would like to introduce you to the new, improved Grambler!*  There is also now a frequently asked questions page (click over there somewhere).  If you have a question which you would like to frequently ask, feel free to use the comments section, send a message via the Facebook page or alternatively write it on a blank postcard and send to: 

KFC Customer Services
PO Box 57984
London W4 9AX

Back to the business at hand...   It was an average week for The Grambler with three of the seven results correct.  But it was an exciting weekend nonetheless, with 26 goals shared between the 14 teams involved.  That may be a Grambler record, I would check but I can't be bothered.  

*May not actually be improved in any way.

Game 1: Airdrie United vs Hamilton Acidemical
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Hamilton had yet to record a league win this season as they visited the Excelsior stadium, which is either named for one of the largest gems ever found or a ship in Star Trek.  Since Airdrie are nicknamed the DIAMONDS, I'm going to assume it's the latter.  But I digress.  Accies dominated the first half but Airdrie nearly took the lead following the restart; a Stephen Hendrie back-pass was intercepted but Kevin Cuthbert did well to save.  This was to be the home side's only shot on target though, and in the 66th minute, Hamilton finally took the lead with Ali Crawford scoring his 4th of the season.  Six minutes later and the lead was doubled via a Louis Longridge header.  Stevie May, who appears to be related to Brian going by the hair alone, scored in the 83rd minute to make the score 'realistic' according to the Accies' website; they fail to confirm whether they are referring to philosophical, scientific or socio-political realism.  St Johnstone loanee May then rounded off a good day with a second from the penalty spot, the first spot-kick Hamilton have been awarded for forty games apparently.

Game 2: West Bromwich Albion vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Draw ( x )

West Brom continued their fine start the season with a win at the Hawthorns.  And it didn't take long to get the ball rolling, with midfielder and unbearably mediocre singer James Morrison notching the first on 5 minutes.  After 22 minutes, the hosts were two-up thanks to a goal from Zoltan Gera, the evil-looking-fortune-granting-whilst-unplugged-machine from Big.  Adel Taarabt pulled one back for Rangers before half-time but any chance of a come-back was buried when Congolese midfielder Youssouf Mulumbu swept in five minutes from time.  QPR did manage a late consolation via Esteban Granero, but Albion managed to hang on for the remaining seconds to record the win.  Man-of-the-match nominee Morrison made it into BBC correspondent Garth Crook's 'team of the week', alongside the outstanding claim that Roy Hodgson should be keeping an eye on him.  That would be Roy Hodgson, England manager, keeping tabs on Scott Morrison, capped 23 times by Scotland... This is the cutting-edge journalism that your licence fee is paying for!

Game 3: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
A sunny Autumnal day was not enough to bring out the crowds in Forfar - somehow Station Park defied all physical possibilities to host a crowd of minus 487 -  as the home side were edged out in another five goal thriller.  An early penalty was dispatched by Ryan McCord to put the visitors in front but the lead lasted just one minute as budget jeans salesman Danny Denholm levelled the score with a header.  The Wasps found themselves in front once more when defender Jason Marr scored his first goal for the club in the 22nd minute, and this time they managed to hold onto their lead for slightly longer; the score remaining the same as the players munched on their half-time bridies.  Eleven minutes from time and Denholm had once again pulled the home side level, a left-footed strike beating Alloa's Scott Bain.  But again, the reprieve was only temporary as just five minutes later Mark Docherty nodded the winner to seal the points for Paul Hartley's side.    
Sponsored link; For all your fashion needs, visit Danny Denholm's Discount Denims... The savings are in his jeans!     

Game 4: Chelsea vs Norwich City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Off the field, it has not been a great week for Chelsea.  Captain and alleged massive racist John Terry was found guilty of being an alleged massive racist whilst defender and all-round unlikeable guy Ashley Cole has been fined for calling the alleged bunch of twats at the FA a bunch of twats.  However, on the pitch it was back to business as usual.   It was a comfortable win for the league frontrunners, but it was Norwich who took the lead when Grant Holt drove in a 15 yard shot.  Fast-forward 20 minutes and any hope that City had of holding on to their lead had been demolished.  Fernando Torres headed an equaliser on 14 minutes and a trademark long-range strike from Frank Lampard put the blues in front.  Just after the half-hour mark, Eden Hazard put the home side comfortably in front, all of this in spite of a Ruddy good attempt from Norwich's goalie to keep them in the game.  Norwich had some chances in the second half through counter-attacks but failed to find the net and force a way back into the game.  Branislav Ivanovic made sure of the three points when he drilled in the fourth with 15 minutes remaining.  And for all of you football trivia fans; Ivanovic once challenged Deep Blue to a game of Buckaroo and won.

Game 5: Millwall vs Bolton Wanderers 
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Defeat at Millwall proved to be the last straw for the Bolton board, with Owen Coyle losing his job in the aftermath.  And what a cruel way for the manager to go, with a 90th minute goal winning the tie for the Lions as well as a missed penalty that could have granted the visitors a win.  Millwall started well and early on Danny Shittu had a goal ruled out by the officials.  I Shittu not, a push on the goalkeeper was spotted by the referee and the home-side were denied the lead.  Shortly after, they made amends when Darius Henderson's shot deflected into the net past a sprawling Adam Bogdan, whom I swear was in Harry Potter.  Five minutes after half-time, Chris Eagles levelled the game; a soaring shot from the winger flew past the flapping keeper and nested in the net (because he has a name what is like a bird, see?)  Eagles was then given the chance to put his side in front from the spot after a foul from Jimmy Abdou, but he blazed the kick over the bar.  And in the last minute of the game, Henderson grabbed his second whilst moistening the seal on the envelope containing Coyle's P45 (not literally, that would just have been weird.)     

Game 6: Leyton P&O vs Sheffield United
Prediction: Home win ( x )
There is not a great deal to say about this game... A lucklustre first half by all accounts ended with neither team threatening to score, the only reportable incident was an injury to  Blades keeper Mark Howard which forced the introduction of  18 year old keeper George Long.  The second half saw slightly more action and just before the hour mark, Nick Blackman scored a stunning match-winner from 25 yards.  Kevin Lisbie could have equalised for Orient, but his shot was well-saved by Long.  Following the match, Orient's chairman Barry Hearn resumed his mental claims that the club should move to the Olympic Stadium instead of West Ham, stating that the club will not exist in five years time unless they move and rename themselves London Orient (catchy).  Apparently Mr Hearn made his fortune as an accountant.  Then went bankrupt.  Then somehow made another fortune  as an accountant.  So he should be able to complete this quick maths puzzle; Saturday's match was attended by 4,882 fans.  Of these, 1,253 were Sheffield United fans.  The Olympic Stadium has a capacity of 80,000.  Showing your working, please calculate WHY THE FECK ANYONE WOULD THINK THIS IS A POSSIBLY GOOD IDEA!? 

Game 7: Brentford vs Crawley Town
Prediction: Away win ( x )
In the first of two ties taking place between these two sides this week, Brentford emerged as winners thanks to a Clayton Donaldson double.  Brentford started the game well with 'Harry Forrester playing like a conductor controlling an orchestra in the first quarter and the rest of the Brentford players playing his tune while Crawley stood and admired.'  Thank you to the wannabe poet who does the Brentford match reports for that line.  Donaldson opened the scoring after 23 minutes when he slotted past Crawley keeper and former Manfredd Mann singer Paul Jones.  Nicky Adams gave the visitors hope with his goal in the 59th minute, having intercepted a poor back-pass.  But this was to be Crawley's only on-target shot of the game.  Donaldson secured the win with a neat chip in the 76th minute to move the Bees closer to the play-off spots.  And an insipid fact to round things off:  In what could be the most z-list celebrity coupling ever, Donaldson's partner is former Fame Academy contestant Pippa Fulton.  I bet you really wanted to know that.

So another week without a win.  From next week, I am thinking it might be a good idea to select my three favourite predictions (based on the reliability balls) and stick a separate bet on them as three correct seems to represent a good week.  Thus, the chances of raising money for those lovely Bobby Moore chaps would be increased.  Makes sense, no?

It is an international break once again this weekend, with a host of games taking place on Friday night.  I shall have the predictions online early on Friday morning for your enjoyment and/or ridicule.

"A frog in a well does not know the great sea."

-Ancient Japanese Proverb

(Nota bene: In this week's Rather Pointless Quote of the Week, The Grambler is 'the frog', 'the well' is the world of football betting and 'the great sea' is Scunthorpe.)

Week 8: The most accurate predictions since Mr T predicted pain!

A Grambler walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "hang on, aren't you a spreadsheet?  Or at very best a figment of some idiot's imagination with personality characteristics reflected upon it via a poorly written football blog?"

The Grambler replied "shut up and give me a pint, you beer-mongering scallywag!"

The bartender duly pulls the customer a pint of locally-brewed, weak lager and it retires to a booth by the window.  After a couple of minutes of enjoying the pint and the dulcet tones of The Carpenters emanating from the nearby jukebox, The Grambler was shocked to find that his table had started to rotate wildly causing the lager to spill.  Frustrated, the dataset approached the bar and ordered another pint.  Retiring to another seat so as not to tempt fate, The Grambler places his pint on the table only for it to start spinning rapidly, throwing it's pint glass accross the room.  Trying one more time, as these jokes always seem to have three attempts prior to the punchline, it found the same scenario played out.

Angered by this inability to enjoy a quiet drink, The Grambler approaches the barman once more and says "what the ruddy 'eck is going on here?" (having suddenly taken on the persona of a Yorkshireman),  "I'm just trying to enjoy a drink and your furniture keeps rotating!"

"Ah, well..." starts the barman.  "Seeing as you are a piece of data software..."

"I thought you'd enjoy a pivot table!"

Yes that's right, I've lowered myself to spreadsheet humour!  So about those predictions...

Game 1: Airdrie United vs Hamilton Acidemical
Prediction: Home win 
Oh yes, it's the crap Lanarkshire teams derby!  Clydebank Franchise #1 FC have taken only one point from their last five league games despite a good start to the season, whereby they won their first two matches.  Manager Jimmy Boyle has bemoaned his sides defensive frailties, commenting that they aren't comfortable on the ball, give it away cheaply and need to improve.  "We aren't confident enough on the ball and give it away cheaply. We need to improve" he told reporters.  Hamilton Acidemical, whose name suggests highly intelligent players with a home strip of robes and mortar boards, have fared even worse in the league this season.  Taking just three points from seven games, Billy Reid's side sit second bottom of the  First Division.  Do you know what would cheer him up?  Watching footage of himself falling on his backside whilst trying to grab the top of the dugout shelter.  On repeat.

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/8

Game 2: West Bromwich Albion vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Draw
The first of two Premiership games this week sees high flying West Brom take on bottom side QPR.  The Baggies, named so for their love of early-90s dance orientated music primarily coming out of Manchester, have impressed from the off this season, with three wins and only one loss in their first six games.  Steve Clarke has generally spent his career as an assistant but is proving that he is no Maurice Malpas with West Brom's current form.  He has certainly come a long way since his Eastenders days.  QPR meanwhile, are crap.  Ludicrously rich chairman Tony Fernandes has put a fair amount of money into the club and Mark Hughes has decided that, instead of investing it in youth or lesser known talent, he would like to buy fifty odd has-beens and watch them lose on a weekly basis.  Sitting bottom of the league and with an unpredictable rich owner who appears to know very little about football?  Get your bets in for the first managerial casualty of the season!  A draw is the best we can hope for, but even that seems unlikely.

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 11/4

Game 3: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
Yaaaaas, sitting here writing this 'ere blog and True by Spandau Ballet has just come on t'radio!  Anyway, where was I?  Ah, Forfar vs Alloa... The battle of the Athletics... Is that a derby?  I'm going to say yes.  Hah, hah, hah, haaahaaahaaaa (damn, this is going to be stuck in my head all day.)  Anyhoo, Forfar are another in-form team with an impressive five wins and a draw form their last six.  If they keep up this form, manager Dick Campbell will be back on the karaoke!  Alloa are six points behind their opponents with a reasonable three wins and a draw from their seven games.  They have good away form too, winning two thirds of their games on the road.  The last time the two sides met at Station Park, Forfar were comfortable winners with a 3-1 victory, could the Wasps be out for revenge?    Saxophone solo!

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 13/5

Game 4: Chelsea vs Norwich City
Prediction: Home win
The current European Champions take on take on the current... em, Norwich.  Chelsea are unbeaten this season and have only dropped two points in a 0-0 draw with QPR.  Their impressive run has been aided by recent(ish) acquisitions of Eden Hazzard and Juan Mata.  They could have been joined by Athletico Madrid's Radamel Falcao but he went all Elvis Costello on them.  Norwich have not been having such a great time this season.  Last season, they exceeded expectations under Paul Lambert (let's see that again!), but since his departure for Aston Villa and the subsequent appointment Chris Hughton, they have failed to impress.  Currently sitting in the relegation zone with a poor three points from six games, the mustard-mongers could already be candidates for relegation already.  In case you can't tell, 'monger' is my affix of the week.

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 2/9

Game 5: Millwall vs Bolton Wanderers 
Prediction: Home win
"No one likes us, we don't care" so goes the old Millwall ditty.  Well they should care, because Craig Noone seems like a thoroughly decent bloke.  Millwall have been sulking around the bottom half of the Championship for the past two seasons and currently sit in the relegation zone with just eight points from nine games.  And thanks to manager Kenny Jackett, Millwall are the proud recipients of The Grambler's Childish Giggle of the Week award.  Bolton wandered out of the Premiership at the end of last season and don't look like they'll be making a quick return.  Former 'brilliant up-and-coming young manager' turned 'mediocre not-really-going-anywhere-fast middle-aged manager' Owen Coyle seems to have taken to blaming referees for his failures and his side are currently just three points ahead of Millwall.  And worse still for the boss, he is struggling to pay off his debt of raw materials to the spring factory.  That's right, he's owing coil (this joke is copyrighted and I will sue if you try to use it without prior written consent.)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 15/8

Game 6: Leyton Orient vs Sheffield United
Prediction: Home win
According to reliable sources (Wikipedia), Leyton Orient took their name from their founder who had worked for the Orient Shipping Company.  Initially called Clapton Orient, reflecting their home-town, the side moved to Leyton after the second World War therefore becoming Leyton Orient.  As the Orient Shipping Company was taken over by P&O, they should really be called Leyton P&O so that is how they shall be referred to by me for the rest of my life.  Please do join me in this campaign.  P&O currently sit right in the middle of League One (technically that would mean 12.5th) and have a home record of two wins and two losses.  Sheffield United have fared slightly better and are one of three teams to remain unbeaten in League One thus far.  The Blades (named so because of their fans love of Wesley Snipes) have won two and drawn three on their travels.  Could they put in a blunt performance this week?  Call it a stab in the dark, but I think this could be a winner.  Manager Danny Wilson could soon be for the chop.  Their strikers have been known to slice their shots.  I could go on....

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 7: Brentford vs Crawley Town
Prediction: Away win
And finally we arrive in Brentford, a suburb of London which is famous for housing the headquarters of the Tie Rack.  And possibly some other stuff.  The football team have spent most of their existence dithering about the third tier of English football and currently sit tenth in the division with fourteen points.  The Bees' manager Uwe Rösler says "in the last few games we have had problems up front and haven't had too many chances."  They could learn a lot from their manager, who was the Premiership top scorer back in 1996... In a game of Championship Manager I once played...  Paired up front with Stefan Kuntz... Crawley have slowly been creeping up the table this season (the joke there was creepy-crawly in case you missed it).  They have perhaps been the surprise package in League One, with nineteen points in their ten games since promotion.  Top scorer and captain Gary Alexander will be hoping to make an impression against his former club.  I've heard he does a good Columbo. 

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5

The Grambler has spoken!  Go now and place your bets, lest ye be smited by the Great Grambling One!  Total odds for this week are 1,523/1!

Did you notice that this week's effort was on time?  Don't get too used to it... I shall be back between the hours of 9 a.m. Sunday and 11.30 p.m. Wednesday with the results.  I call it 'Royal Mail timing.'