Week 36: What the Hell do we do now!?

You may recall last season ending in rather dramatic fashion with that Aguero stoppage type goal against QPR prising the title from the clutches of Manchester United.  Well, this season is slightly different.  The relegation spots are filled, the title has been decided, runners-up are already in place and unless something ridiculous happens, Chelsea have have third sewn up.  So the only matter of interest is the race for fourth place.  Can you feel the excitement?  No, neither can I.  

There are of course play-off finals taking place which are far more exciting. With places up for grabs in the Championship and Premiership, Brentford will take on Yeovil tomorrow and Crystal Palace play Watford a week on Monday respectively.  And of course the Champions League final takes place next weekend so there is still something to look forward to.  But then, a whole summer without football!  Nooooooooooooooo!

This week's Grambler is made up entirely from Premiership games.  We have the usual three game accumulator and since it's the last round of games of the season... The Super Mega Awesome Grambler!  A ten game accumulator attempting to pick the winners of every Premiership games at random...  This is the bet that will prove whether there really are any footballing Gods supporting The Grambler!

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland - Home win - 2/7

West Brom vs Man Utd - Draw - 29/10

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Away win - 11/20

£1 @ 7/1

Oddly, The Grambler has managed to choose the only two games that actually matter in this accumulator, adding a little excitement to the proceedings.  Spurs will be hopeful of bettering Arsenal's result to pinch fourth place and the delicious Champions League football that comes with it.  Sunderland do not need to achieve anything following Wigan's midweek relegation but manager and horrible fascist (lest we forget) Paulo Di Canio might still have to prove to some supporters that he is the man to lead them next season.  Tickets are allegedly changing hands for thousands of pounds ahead of West Brom's tie against Man Utd.  This will of course be Sir Alex Ferguson's last game in charge and perhaps we should expect him to round off an illustrious career with a win.  The Baggies have also had a reasonable season and a point against the Champions would conclude things nicely.  Arsenal travel to Tyneside needing a win to secure fourth spot in the league but given the right results elsewhere, could force a 3rd/4th place play-off with Chelsea.  It is highly unlikely, however.  Newcastle will be relieved to find themselves safe having unexpectedly been dragged into a relegation fight towards the end of the season.  As with most teams at this stage of the season, they will no doubt still send out a strong starting line-up with instructions to win purely for the purposes of selling season tickets for next year.

Super Mega Awesome Grambler! accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Chelsea vs Everton - Home win - 8/11

Liverpool vs QPR - Draw - 6/1

Man City vs Norwich - Home win - 1/3

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Draw - 18/5

Southampton vs Stoke - Away win - 4/1

Swansea vs Fulham - Home win - 4/5

Spurs vs Sunderland - Draw - 5/1

West Brom vs Man Utd - Away win - 5/6

West Ham vs Reading - Home win - 4/6

Wigan vs Aston Villa - Away win - 13/5

50p @ 44,048/1

Check out those odds!  I am genuinely excited by this bet!  It is so horrendously wrong that it has to be right!  What a perfect way to round of the season that would be too.  I can then sell my story to the Daily Record or some equally poor 'newspaper', write the Grambler book over the summer, start recording my Christmas single in Autumn and by the end of the year, an estimated £1.6 million will on it's way to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research!  Not that I'm setting my hopes unreasonably high or anything...

We shall return next week for the final Grambler of the season, a Champions League special. And then, who knows...?

STOP PRESS!!!!
Exciting news as I have decided to add a Eurovision bet to this week's proceedings!  The Grambler has selected Russia, who this year shall be represented by Dina Garipova singing What If (which turns out not to be a Lightning Seeds cover).  I'm not sure about this choice... Russia were robbed last year as the singing grannies of Buranovskiye Babushki were by far the best act of the night but failed to take the gong, maybe this could be their year?  The Russian entry is 16/1 to win outright so I have bet a quid each way and any winnings will go to the usual charidee.  Here is Miss Garipova in action for those of you curious enough...

Week 34: Gramblersaurus, raaaaaaaaaawwwwwr!

This week, one rather peckish fellow has dominated the footballing headlines as Luis Suarez decided that it was a good idea to have a mid-game snack consisting of Branislav Ivanovic's forearm.  Strangely, the FA felt that this feast did not quite adhere to the rules of the game and promptly whipped out a ten match ban for the Liverpool based cannibal.  Absolutely everyone has had an opinion on this episode, including our glorious leader David Cameron who is worried about the example that Suarez's behaviour is setting for our children.  It's almost as good an example as taking your offspring to the pub and then leaving them there, eh Davey?

Elsewhere, coupons across Europe were busted as every armchair fan's former favourites Barcelona and Real Madrid were soundly beaten by every armchair fan's new favourites Bayern Munich and Borrussia Dortmund respectively.  The first leg results from the Champions League semi-final would suggest we may be looking forward to an all-German final at Wembley come May but the Spanish giants could have an element of bouncebackability in the return legs.  Sadly for Dortmund, it looks like their team will be ripped apart by the richer vultures of European football over the summer meaning that they will be unable to build upon this season's success.  Munich are unlikely to be disappointed by this seeing as they were first in on the act, with the capture of Dortmund's £30 million striker Mario Götze.

And in the Europa League... Who am I kidding, no one cares.

Two bets for you this week; the traditionally useless 5 game accumulator and the always so close but no cigar Premiership accumulator.  I have ditched the goalscorer bet as it is flawed in so many ways.  If anyone would like to suggest an alternative bet to take it's place, feel free.  I was thinking of something along the lines of a £1 bet on what Neil Lennon will cry about this weekend...

Five game all-league accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
Everton vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9
Wolves vs Burnley - Home win - 5/4
Hibs vs St Mirren - Away win - 21/10
Shrewsbury vs Portsmouth - Home win - 6/4
Chelsea vs Swansea - Home win - 1/3
£1 @ 33/1

At first glance, that is not too ridiculous a bet.  Two Premiership games in which The Grambler has selected the home sides and favourites to win.  In both cases, they could be considered must win games with a Europa League place up for grabs for Everton and third place within Chelsea's grasp.  In the Championship, Wolves are desperately trying to claw their way out of the relegation zone and this is their last home game of the campaign so again I get to use the very much overused phrase 'must win.'  Portsmouth have had a good week by their standards, having emerged from administration, agreed a fan's takeover and appointed Guy Whittingham as boss.  But Pompey are already relegated and with little to play for, along with Shrewsbury's recent good form, defeat may be likely.  And in the SPL, two teams who have had mixed seasons meet at Easter Road.  Home-side Hibs are due to play Celtic in the Scottish Cup final in May but find themselves 9th in the league.  St Mirren won the League Cup in March but are second bottom of the SPL.  Both teams evidently have moments of good play but can also be very poor so this game could go either way.


Three game Premiership accumulator 
Game - Result - Odds
Newcastle vs Liverpool - Home win - 15/8
Man City vs West Ham - Home win - 1/4
Aston Villa vs Sunderland - Home win - 5/4
£1 @ 7/1

In what looks like a fix, it's all home wins in this week's Premiership bet.  But home advantage is not everything, otherwise this betting lark would be a whole lot easier.  Newcastle set a high standard last season, playing some decent football and surpassing everyone's expectations with a 5th place finish.  However, Alan Pardew's side have struggled replicate their form this season and despite the odd good result, have been dragged into the relegation fight.  Liverpool are another team who have failed to live up to expectations.  Currently 7th in the league and now without suspended leading scorer and aforementioned bitey-person Luis Suarez, they may struggle to finish the campaign on a high note.  Manchester City have just handed the Premiership trophy back to their rivals from across the City and the talk of which multi-million pound signings they will be making this pre-season has begun.  Second place is pretty much safe for City but speculation surrounds the future of many players who will surely be keen to prove that they are worthy of another season at the club.  West Ham have had a better season than many would have expected and are currently 10th having gone 5 games unbeaten.  They also had a nice bonus recently after it was confirmed that the taxpayers of this country, allegedly a bit skint and in a double-dip recession, are buying them a new stadium.  Which is nice of us all!  Aston Villa and Sunderland square up in a relegation dogfight (why is it always dogs?  Why not giraffes?), with the home side having suffered yet another poor season.  At least they didn't do so with Alex McLeish at the helm this time though.  Meanwhile, Sunderland fans have already forgotten that their new manager is a horrible fascist after he won a few games, including thrashing much-hated rivals Newcastle on their own patch.  How fickle football fans can be!  Should he keep up the good start, the Black Cats could well be safe come the end of the weekend.  

An agreeable sum of £40 is on offer this week should The Grambler correctly predict all eight results.  As always, any winnings shall go to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Should you wish to play along at home, press the red button now......

Week 17: Lying next to a wayside for some reason

You may have noticed that this 'ere website has fallen by the wayside a little over the past few weeks.  Two things worth pointing out: 1) I have been rather busy in other aspects of life and have not been able to commit the same amount of time to typing gibberish for the benefit of four or five people who remain loyal Gramblers and; 2) What exactly is a wayside? And how/why does one fall by it?  

A quick look back at last week's result first of all.  I lost.  Only two out of the five correct, which seems to be the standard these days.  I'm starting to think that I'd be as well just making a list of everyone who has ever worked for the BBC and allowing the Grambler to select a handful each week to be outed as sex-offenders.  Think I'd be making more money that way...

Anyhoo, here is this week's bet with very little in the way of commentary.  

Game 1: Sheffield Wednesday vs Bristol City
Prediction: Home win

An early 'relegation battle' with both teams sitting uncomfortably close to the Championship's trapdoor.  A win for either side could take them out of the relegation zone.  Could go either way, really. 

Reliability balls: 6/10

Odds on this result: 11/10

Game 2: Port Vale vs Chesterfield

Prediction: Home win

Port Vale are flying high in League Two so the home fans will be expecting another victory.  Chesterfield manager Paul Cook hopes that he has the recipe for success so that his side can serve up a win.

Reliability balls: 7/10

Odds on this result: 11/10

Game 3: Southampton vs Reading
Prediction: Draw

Another clash between two sides in the relegation zone, both started the season as contenders for the drop and have failed to disappoint.  Reading won 3-1 at St Mary's back in April but the Saints have been the better side in the Premiership (just).

Reliability balls: 5/10

Odds on this result: 13/5

Game 4: West Ham vs Liverpool
Prediction: Away win

West Ham have been solid at home this season but Liverpool have been showing signs of improvement in recent weeks.  I wouldn't choose to bet on Liverpool but Jordan Henderson scored a goal on Thursday, so surely anything is possible?

Reliability balls: 5/10

Odds on this result: 11/8

Game 5: Brechin City vs Ayr United
Prediction: Home win

Match already postponed due to a frozen pitch.  Scottish weather, eh?  

Reliability balls: 0/10

Odds on this result: 11/10

Only four games to get correct for a win this week then.  Is it possible?  Yes.  Will it happen?  Probably not.  Total odds for the five games this week was 78/1 but since that last match has been frozen, we are down to a mere 38/1 by my calculations.  Which may be wrong.

And I am solemnly making the promise that normal service shall resume next week.  I have far too many puns to get out of my system.

Week 12 results: The Grambler Dot Com

There is some Grambler news to get out of the way first... I might have kind of maybe accidentally purchased the domain name www.thegrambler.com.  But only because this is such a serious operation and needs to look as profechenal as posabil.  And also, at the current rate at which Hollywood producer types are currently churning out any old crap with a superhero in it for many millions of dollars, it's only so long before some super-human chump is called 'the Grambler.'  And when that happens, I own their website and will only surrender it for $4 million and a cameo as Lieutenant Von Grombler, an evil, bitter and twisted relative of the eponymous hero.

Secondly, there is now some kind of navigation bar at the top of the page.  It is, in fact, a bar which can be used for the purpose of navigation.  For example, should you wish to view the home page, simply click on the page labelled 'home.'  What an age we live in!  Feel free to offer any suggestions of how this wonderful site can be further improved.  Alternatively, don't.

And I wasn't paying much attention, but their may have been some football on over the weekend.

Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Ah, the magic of the FA Cup!  The tournament where any team from any division can go on to be champions!  The cup where smaller teams can showcase their talents!  Or so it is always claimed, the actuality is the Premiership teams fielding their 'youngsters' (still a team assembled expensively by kidnapping 14-year-olds in their sleep), bottom-half League One teams 'resting' their 'star' players, stadiums being half-empty and generally no one actually caring until the semi-finals.  Which brings us to Morecambe vs Rochdale; two teams who had met in the league just weeks before playing out a mediocre score draw in front of 1,800 fans.  Inspiring!  Andy Flemming put the home-side in front early on with a 20 yard shot but for most of the match, Rochdale looked like the hungrier side.  Shrimps goalkeeper Barry Roche was in fine-form, denying the Dale on numerous occasions before Jason Kennedy finally got the better of him, turning in a rebound to earn a replay, meaning the fans will have to shell out another £20 a head to witness the 'magic' of the cup.  But fear ye not, devoted Shrimpdale fans!  The excitement of a trip to Coventry awaits in the next round!  Magic!  

Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Saturday saw Dougie Freedman appear in the Bolton dugout for the first time, and he made it known beforehand that tactics would be changing under him: "El quezo estaba viejo y mohoso.  Donde esta el bano?" said Freedman.  Actually, that was Brendan Fraser in California Man... Freedman has actually said that promotion is still achievable for his new side this term, and a 2-1 win over league leaders Cardiff was a good start for the Dougster.  But it was the BlueRedbirds who looked the better team in the first half.  A Peter Whittingham cross caused confusion in the Bolton box on 40 minutes and allowed the visitors to take the lead.  Following some comical defending from Zat Knight (who I genuinely believe permanently has Julius Fučík's 'Entrance of the Gladiators' constantly playing in his head) the ball fell nicely for Craig Noone to fire past Adam Bogdan.  It was two substitutions in the second-half which turned the game around.  David Ngog only played 25 minutes, but it was rather eventful.  In the 68th minute, Ngog fell over in the box and the referee pointed to the spot.  Fellow substitute Martin Petrov stepped up to score the penalty.  Ngog then put his side in front with a flick from six yards.  And to round of an eventful afternoon, he picked up two yellow cards in seven minutes to earn a hypothetical early bath.

Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw ( x )
I have a theory about Hibernian's Leigh Griffiths; should his hairline ever stop receding, he will stop scoring.  He's like some kind of anti-Samson... The better form he is in, the more his hairline diminishes.  And his fringe moved further from his forehead on Saturday as he notched two against St Mirren.  It was the visitors who had taken the lead when a long drive from Kenny McLean found it's way past Hibs keeper Ben Williams, a man who has put his jail sentence for manslaughter behind him to take the number one jersey.  The lead was only to last five minutes however, a cross found the noggin of James McPake who headed downwards for Griffiths to score his tenth of the season.  Hibs took control of the match in the second half and found themselves in front when Griffiths scored a second, this time with a fine 20 yard shot.  The striker could have increased the lead further, hitting the post twice during the match.  But the one goal lead was enough to take all three points and there was still time for Saints captain Jim Goodwin to get a second booking for doing what he does best - elbowing someone in the face.  And finally, no mention of Leigh Griffiths is complete without linking to the Real Lee Griffiths Blog, one of the finest moments in the history of the internet.     

Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Much of the build-up to this game was dominated by the revelation that Roberto Mancini came close to leaving City last season to join a mid 1990s Peter Hook side-project.  It was old news and Rubbertoe insisted that the revelation would not disrupt he build-up to this match.  But by kick-off, the City players were aware that a win would take them joint top of the table, and it would appear that the pressure got to them as they struggled to a 0-0 draw.  West Ham had the better chances during the game, with a Kevin Nolan volley incorrectly ruled out for offside and a Yossi Benayoun shot striking the bar.  City did manage eight shots on target, but couldn't find the net and Mancini responded to his side's inability to score in one match in a way that only a Manchester City manger can - by demanding that the club's owners spend £50 million on Neymar post haste.  To give the Hammers their due, they proved to be as tough as nails to hold on for the point.  Maybe they can build on this result and construct a fine season.  It would seem that they have the right tools for the challenge.  Sam Allardyce will hope that they don't screw up.  Etc. 

Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Fulham pinched a point in the last minute of a game which was dominated by Everton.  A mistake from Timothy Howard put the home team in front as the keeper pushed a free-kick onto the post only to watch on as it bounced back into the net.  The score stayed that way until the half-time in spite of the Toffees having a host of chances to equalise.  Into the second-half and Everton finally found the net, Marouane Fellaini scoring from eight yards after good work from fellow Belgian Kevin Mirallas.  Fellaini grabbed a second in the 72nd minute with a low shot but the despite the visitor's dominance, they could not hold on for the win.  Substitute Steve Sidwell tapped in at the back post in the final minute of the game to earn a draw.  Interesting fact of the day:  Fellaini's old man was a goalkeeper and signed for Belgian club Mechelen.  However, his former club had a strop about the signing and wouldn't let him play so he just became a bus driver instead.  As you do.  Terrible joke of the day: Why won't Martin Jol buy the 115g packet of Finest Wafer Thin Wiltshire Cured Pig Meat from Tesco?  Because he wants the full ham!

Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
More FA Cup 'magic!'  This tie at least presented a 'glamorous' opponent for non-league Park Avenue and there was a chance for them to indulge in a spot of giant-killing.  Alas, it was not to be as Doncaster had the game all but wrapped up by half-time.  Martin Woods turned in an Ian Hume cross from the edge of the penalty area to put his side in front.  In the 37th minute, Hume turned from provider to scorer when he side-footed in from Billy Paynter's cross.  Bradford started the second-half brightly and managed to pull a goal back when Richard Marshall found the top=corner from a tight angle.  But any chance of a comeback was put to bed in the 76th minute when Paul Keegan's cross surprisingly found R&B singer and wife-beater Chris Brown who headed in.  Whilst the result may have been expected, Bradford PA attempted to give their fellow Yorkshiremen  a run for their money and managed to keep the score respectable.  Everyone returned to their farms happily and ate Yorkshire pudding with gravy whilst discussing their whippets and saying 'ey oop lad' a lot.  Apart from Chris Brown, who went home to a crate of Stella.

Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Another 'glamour tie' between two sides in the same division which ended with an insipid draw.  Both sides had chances to take the lead in the first half but there was no goal forthcoming until the 62nd minute, when York substitute Jamie Reed finished off a Jason Walker move.  With the Minstermen looking to hold on for a win, a free-kick was presented to the Dons in the 80th minute and a deflection from Charlie Strutton's shot beat City keeper Michael Ingham to earn a replay.  The only real talking point to come out of this game is that a victory for Wimbledon in the return leg will see them facing MK Dons in the next round, should the other Dons also win their replay.  This would be the first time that the sides have met since an acrimonious split of fans when the original Krazy Gang relocated to Milton Keynes.  I like to imagine that this resulted in two groups of casuals made up entirely of Wombles, who will be set to rumble on Wimbledon Common prior to a potential tie.  They would finally get to make good use of all of those sharp and pointy objects that everyday people left behind....

Sometimes it is hard to draw positives from The Grambler's poor predictions.  But as the old saying goes, "if life gives you lemons, eat some lemons."  Here are some positives from this week:

• We learned that Marouane Fellaini was conceived on the number 83 bus somewhere between Putkapel and Wijgmaal.  Possibly.
• Craig Levein finally got the sack.
• I have some lemons.

And seeing as there is apparently an election thingy going on somewhere, have a topical quote to finish...

"I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here... “I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.” “I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.” “Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding out both puppets!”"

- Bill Hicks

  

Week 12: It's The (late) Grambler Halloween Spooktacular!

That's right, it's the 31st of October (or at least it was when I started writing this), meaning one thing: the chance to change every player's name in a ridiculously contrived manner so that they sound spooky!

This weekend we have the first round of the FA Cup meaning a lack of League One and Two games.  In Scotland, it's the third round of the Scottish Cup, meaning nothing happening outside of the top league.  So I have decided, what the hell, let's include both cup competitions.  There are always a few shocks and imagine the puns we could include if the draw brings out the Met Police team?  Before we get the pumpkin rolling, here is a topical joke:  

What do you call an annual celebration where children and adults alike disguise themselves as spooky characters or fictional persons, but only ones which are permissible by Islamic law?

Halalween!

(Please note: this is meant to be a play on words and I do not even have an embassy.)

Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win
The ghost of Eric Morecambe can often be seen floating around the foot of the table in League Two.  They are a side surrounded by legendary tales of mythical creatures and even go as far as placing a ghostly-monster-beast in the very centre of the club crest.  They have thrice made it as far as the third round in the FA Cup, most recently in the 2002/03 season, but have yet to better this.  Rochdale, better known by their nickname 'the Dismembered Zombie Corpses', also find themselves haunting League Two after relegation last season.  The blazon on the club's arms reads 'argent a woolpack encircled by two branches of the cotton tree flowered and conjoint proper; a bordure sable charged with eight martlets of the field; and for a crest on a wreath of the colours a mill-rind sable and above a fleece argent banded or.'  Which is pretty damn creepy in itself.  The side were knocked out by Bradford at this stage last year and Captain Peter Cadaver will be keen to lead his side further this time around.
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Terrifying odds on this result: 9/5


Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win
Boo!lton started the season in frighteningly poor form which led to the beheading of Owen Coyle.  Dougie Freedman has come in from Crystal Palace insisting his new side can still manage promotion this season, but his chances of taking the Trotters back to the Premiership looked grim last weekend after a 2-1 defeat at Middlesbrough.  In spite of sitting 18th in the table, Bolton have actually faired well at the Reebok Stadium, with only one loss and three wins at home.  Meanwhile, Cardiff have been terrifying all other teams in the Championship this season and some have even suggested an alliance with Lucifer himself, evident by their change to blood red strips and proud display of the dragon on their badge.  And by some, I mean 'no one.'  A 4-0 win over Burnley last weekend gave them a seventh straight home victory, but their away form has been scaring Bluebirds fans, with three losses on the road this season.  They will be relying upon top scorer Peter Witchingham to provide the tricks and treats.    
Reliability pumpkins: 6/10
Horrific odds on this result: 13/10


Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw
Off to Beaster Road now as second-top meets second-bottom in the SPHelL.  Manager Bat Fenlon has turned his side's fortunes around this season after an 11th place league finish last season.  Hibs are just two points from the top of the table and comfortably won their last league match 4-0 against someone or another, I won't go into details... The Hibees are unbeaten at home this season but have lost three on their travels.  St Mirren, although finding themselves at the wrong end of the table, are only actually three points from 5th place Inverness.  Having lost their last three games, they will be keen to get their season back on track and may be filled with confidence by a penalty win over Aberdeen in their midweek cup fixture.  Their only away win this season was over relegation-fodder Dundee but captain Jim Goblin insists that his side have improved dramatically since last season  
Reliability pumpkins: 3/10
Blood-curdling odds on this result: 23/10


Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win
Or should that be Fred West Ham vs Scary Man-chester City?  The Hammers wos 'ere last week when they were told to beat Wigan but defied my orders.  That loss left them in 9th place in the Premiership but they needn't be too downhearted, as they are only a point away from fellow Londoners Arsenal in 6th place.  Manager Summer of Sam Allardyce (to keep the serial killer theme going) has predicted that Andy Christmas Carroll (hang on, I'm getting my festivities confuddled...) will start to bang in the goals soon, could he start this weekend?  Current Premiership champions City will be hopeful of a win to keep the pressure on leaders Chelsea.  Their city rivals defeated the top team last week to narrow the gap at the top, and both Manchester teams are eyeing up the top-spot like a vampire checking out the necks of some particularly long-necked victims.  Carlos Tevez scored the only goal against Swansea last weekend and boss Rubber toe Mankini will be expecting his forwards to devour goals (and possibly brains) this Saturday.
Reliability pumpkins: 7/10
Tortured odds on this result: 4/6


Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win
And a short trip across the capital brings us to Wes Craven Cottage, home of Fulham.  The Cottagers performed well last season, finishing 9th under the management of Martin Ghoul.  If they can maintain their current form, Fulham could well be challenging for a Europa League spot come the end of the season.  But as is always the case with an in-form side, vultures begin to circle... Captain Brede Hangman-land has been targeted by a mystery 'top six side' and the gaffer may be tempted to cash-in on the defender come January.  Everton are another side currently in fine form.  Traditionally, the Toffee-apples struggle at the start of the season and make a late push resulting in a European spot.  But this season, Moyes and co. have started early with four wins out of nine taking them to fifth place.  Last week saw them draw 2-2 with fierce rivals Liver(and some fava beans with a nice Chianti)pool.  The visitors will benefit from the return of midfielder Steven Pienaarcissisticrampagingkillerghostzombievamppirebeast. 
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Eerie odds on this result: 8/5


Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win
Doncaster were relegated from the Championship last season amidst financial difficulties, with their future looking rather bleak.  But things have brightened up, with the club gaining a 99 year lease on their Keepmoat Stadium and challenging for the top-spot in League One. Rovers boss Dean Saunders says "I'll be treating this game as though it was a league game because we're on a good run of form at the moment" before cackling wildly, pulling a cape across his face and vanishing in a puff of smoke.  Bradford PA (no relation to Magnum PI) currently ply their trade in the Conference North having gained promotion from the West Yorkshire under-12s Subbuteo League last season.  In last seasons first round FA Cup tie, they were thrashed 8-1 by the mighty AFC Totton.  But they do have a strong squad, including U2 bassist Adam Clayton, the Fast and the Furious actor Paul Walker and renowned Cretan lyra player Ross Daly.  None of this is very spooky... Em, wooooooooooo? 
Reliability pumpkins: 8/10
Gruesome odds on this result: 3/10


Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Another apparition in The Grambler for York City, who hail from a town known as being amongst England's most haunted.  Sounds like a job for Derek Pakora!  City sit eleven places ahead of their opponents in the league but have not been too convincing at home.  York manager Gary Mills has this week described the FA Cup as 'magical', whilst rubbing his hands together and salivating at the thought of it.  Expect him to all Gollum should he ever get his hands on the trophy.  Dons manager Neil Ardley (I'm sure there must be a spooky pun in there... 'Ardley alive?  'Ardley breathing?  Something like that.) knows that Wimbledon are the underdogs, describing his team as a 'work in progress.'  Like a Frankenstein or summat.  The Wombles have just two wins away from home this season, but the FA Cup always throws up some minor upsets so who knows?  
Reliability pumpkins: 4/10
Hair-raising odds on this result: 10/3

So there you go.  Too late for Halloween but it didn't stop me forcing as many crap puns in as possible.  Total odds for this week are a ghastly 518/1.

And here is a bonus football related Halloween joke for your enjoyment.  Feel free to use it.

Q: Why did the werewolf fail to gain international recognition, despite finishing the season with a respectable 17 goals in 41 appearances for his club side and being nominated for both the PFA and Football Writers Player of the Year awards?

A: I'm not sure.

Happy (late) Grambleween! 

Week 11 results: Grambling in 25 words!

I shall be keeping this short and sweet.  For you see, today is the second anniversary of Mrs Grambler and I (Happy Anniversary Mrs G!) and so I have been very busy over the weekend and therefore unable to conduct the usual flawless journalism required around these parts.  

A lack of available time means that I shall be limiting each game to 25 words this week.  This will be a challenge!  And I'm counting a scoreline as one word!

As an aside, I did stop in the town of Ambleside over the weekend and had to fight the urge to add GR to the start of every road sign I noticed...

Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Ham
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Ivan Ramis volley goal 1-0!  James McArthur strike, 2-0.  Tomkins last minute consolation.  Martinez happy man, Allardyce sad man... West Ham sloppy!  Yuck, sloppy ham!

Game 2: Bury vs Walsall
Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )
Wayhey!  Will Grigg early goal, Walsall lead... Minutes later, Dominic Poleon equalised.  Home team have many chances but don't score; Walsall goalkeeper David Grof plays goodly.

Game 3: Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs St Johnstone

Prediction: Home win ( x )
Inverness throw it away!  Graeme Shinnie won penalty, Andrew Shinnie missed penalty. Billy McKay scores low strike, 1-0 Thistle!  Saints equalise in last minute!  Booooooo!

Game 4: Chelsea vs Manchester United feat. Mark Clattenburg

Prediction: Home win ( x )
Lots happened!  United 2-0 up, Chelsea fightback 2-2!  Young fell over, Ivanovic red card!  Torres fouled, dive!  Red card!  Hernandez goal wins!  Clattenburg sweary/racist?

Game 5: Livingston vs Greenock Morton

Prediction: Away win
Iain Russell, 8 minutes, GOOOOOAAAAL! 1-0 Livi...  Second half, Archibald Campbell, two goals in five minutes.  Morton lead!  Ten minutes left, Russell scores penalty, 2-2!

Game 6: Accrington Stanley vs Bristol Rovers

Prediction: Away win ( x )

Stanley win 1-0.  Goal from Padraig Amond.  Mark McGhee? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Game 7: Stoke vs Sunderland

Prediction: Away win ( x )

Riveting as expected!  Nothing happened.  Only incident, Huth handball - penalty denied.  Tony Pulis wore a hat.  Sunderland draw too much.  So do Stoke.  How boring!

Bonus points if you read every game whilst counting the words.

Overall, a week which was as forgettable as this write-up.  Hopefully we will get things back on track on Wednesday with The Grambler Halloween special!  It will be the exact same as the usual Grambler, but I will have a sheet over my head!

I could use the following quote from Robert Frost to sum up this week:

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on."

But have decided to alter it slightly to fit today's theme:

"In twenty five words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.  It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on."

- Robert Frost, poet and Grambler

Week 11: No longer available on Ceefax

For two weeks running, The Grambler has given us five correct predictions out of the seven games.  And you know what they say; Good things come in threes... Three is the magic number... Three times a lady...

On that basis, we can expect another set of 71.42857142857143% accurate predictions this week!
Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Ham
Prediction: Away win
The town of Wigan (not to be confused with the town of Wogan in Togo, which I imagine would be like the scene in Being John Malkovich where he ends up in his own head.  Only with Terry Wogan.) is well known as being more interested in rugby than football.  But under the stewardship of Roberto Martinez, the Latics have become known as a feisty side with an 'against-all-odds' survival record.  With five points from eight games this season, it looks like their fans could be in for more of the same.  West Ham have perhaps been this season's surprise package.  Having spent last season in Championship, they gained promotion the hard way via the play-offs.  Many expected them to struggle back in the Premiership but four wins and two draws from their first eight games sees them sit 7th in the table, level on points with Spurs in 5th.   The sides have already met once this season when Wigan visited Upton Park and won 4-1 in the League Cup, prompting Sam Allardyce to declare "we couldn't defend a fish supper tonight."  No comment needed there, really.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 23/10

Game 2: Bury vs Walsall
Prediction: Draw
Bury have spent most of the season sitting at the foot of the table, but on Tuesday night they finally won a game; a first victory of the campaign.  This allowed them to leapfrog their defeated opponents Hartlepool but could it be the start of a winning streak?
Walsall started the season brightly, winning five of their first nine, but have not won a league game since September, causing them to slip back down the table.  A win here could push them close to the play-off places but they will have to make-do without Dean Holden, suspended after his sending off at Sheffield United.  Bury took all six points against their opponents last season which will give them some confidence.  They are also the only football team, in my knowledge, to have a former Prime Minister as mascot.  I shudder at the thought of some poor guy having to dress up in a novelty foam David Cameron costume in years to come...
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 3: Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs St Johnstone

Prediction: Home win
Following a mediocre start to the campaign, Inverness have found their feet in recent weeks.  Three wins a row, and five games without defeat, have pushed the Highlands club to fifth in the table, ahead of title favourites Motherwell.  Boss Terry Butcher has expressed his delight at the number of goals his side have claimed, with Andrew Shinnie leading the way on seven so far.  That should give his career a leg-up.  Not to be outdone, St Johnstone also had a poor start to the season, but have gone on to win their last five matches.  They now sit second in the SPL, which is the equivalent of 14th in League One.  A win for the Saints on Saturday would see them set a new club record for the most consecutive wins.  The ghost of Roy Castle will be watching on anxiously.  This game could go either way.  Or it could end in a draw.  Some wonderful insight there for you.  Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/10

Game 4: Chelsea vs Manchester United

Prediction: Home win
A game that will no doubt be hailed as an early title decider by the red-tops.  Or worse still, a TITLE DECIDER!!!  Chelsea have only dropped two points in the league this season in a goalless draw with QPR but showed that they do have frailties on Tuesday night, with a 2-1 defeat at Shakhtar Donetsk in the Champions League.  But any fans deflated by one European defeat can show their support for the club and boost their belief in the team by purchasing the Official Chelsea Christmas Countdown Gnome!  I bought four.  United are currently four points adrift of their opponents at the top of the table and will be wary of ending the day seven points from the top spot.  Sir Alex of Ferguson rested a number of players on Tuesday night, as his side faltered to a 3-2 victory over Braga.  His leaky defence will be an urgent concern but the starting eleven should include anti-racism t-shirt hatin' Rio Ferdinand.  Should the referee invoke little known FA rule 8.2, subsection F, paragraph 3 line 2 (which reads "and should any game reach its 72nd minute, and the officials feel the urge, the result may be decided by the quality and/or novelty factor of gnomes available in the club shop") Chelsea already have this tie in the bag.  Man United's gnomes are crap.     
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/10

Game 5: Livingston vs Greenock Morton

Prediction: Away win
Livingston currently inhabit the sixth spot in the league and already look set for a season un-threatened by relegation whilst failing to trouble the promotion contenders.  In nine games this season, they have taken 12 points leaving them ten points adrift of the top spot already.  Morton could be an outsider bet for promotion to the SPL, currently sitting third in the division on 18 points, just four behind the leaders.  The Greenock side's run of five straight wins was halted last week by a 2-2 draw when visiting Dunfermline.  Livingston have only won one at home this season whilst their opponents have managed two wins on the road.  The last time these two sides met at Almondvale, the fans were treated to a spectacularly entertaining goalless draw and they will no doubt hope for more of the same today.  Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/5

Game 6: Accrington Stanley vs Bristol Rovers

Prediction: Away win
Stanley had made an optimistic start to the season and were inhabiting the upper-reaches of the table until  the end of September.  Failure to take a single point from any of their last four games has sent them back down the division to 16th so they will be looking to get things back on track.  Accrington may however have to make do without their manager Paul Cook (or their cook Paul Manager, I get mixed up) as Chesterfield made an approach to lure him away to the Proact Stadium on Wednesday morning.  Bristol Rovers have faired worse in the league this season.  Just three wins in thirteen has left them just three points outside of the relegation zone.  Shows what happens when you give up on a good thing to go chasing money, eh Mark McGhee?  As with a number of teams, I cannot claim to know too much about Rovers, so turning to the ever-reliable Wikipedia for information: "Should you cast your eyes over the Tote End of the the old Eastville Stadium during the 70s, it would often resemble the famous bar scene in Star Wars."  Right...
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 2/1

Game 7: Stoke vs Sunderland

Prediction: Away win
Known for their free-flowing total-football style which is often compared to that of Barcelona, Stoke have now graced the Premiership for a number of years and picked up many new fans along the way, including Arsene Wenger.  The Potters have only been defeated twice this season yet somehow have only won once.  Probably a result of other teams 'parking the bus' when they come up against Stoke.  Also, legend has it that Tony Pullis always wears that hat to hide an ill-advised tattoo declaring his love for Lesley Joseph which covers his scalp.  Sunderland have a fairly similar record this season under former-messiah turned regular-manager Martin O'Neill.  With one win, one loss and four draws to their name, one could easily predict that this game is destined to end in a draw.  Having pinched a point at home to rivals Newcastle last week, the Black Cats could move into the top half of the table with a win this weekend.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 3/1


The past few weeks have seen some pretty poor odds appearing around these parts, partially a result of semi-believable predictions and partially a bookmakers conspiracy to stop The Grambler.  However, this week's spectacular mix of away wins and downright ridiculous predictions gives us odds of 1,993/1.  

Place your bets now!

Week 6 results: You f#%!ing plebs!

A wee Andrew Mitchell MP quote there to help start this week's results.  Mitchell is, of course, in trouble for saying out loud what the Tories don't want us to know they are all thinking.  And in order to keep this vaguely football related, I should mention that Mr Mitchell does not support any team in particular but is a massive fan of Middlesbrough's André Bikey.  Because he rides a bike.  

This week's Grambling could have gone better, and genuinely looked like it would have at times on Saturday.  However, a few late goals here and there ultimately nullified the main bet.  Saving face, the doubles bet won a MASSIVE £2.53, which shall be added to the Bobby Moore Fund fund to give us a running total of £10.03!  Double-figures at last!


Here is a blow-by-blow account of the weekend's Grambling expedition.  Warning: May contain traces of nut.     

Game 1: Derby County vs Burnley
Prediction: Draw ( x )
The first prediction of the week came so very close to being correct, but the Rams will be feeling rather sheepish after letting a draw turn into a defeat in the dying minutes of this game.  Derby had raced into a twentieth minute lead when the Burnley defence failed to clear a corner, allowing Jamie Ward to score the opener.  Twelve minutes later and the Clarets had equalised through striker Charlie Austin.  Keeping on top of the action, this happy Grambler was rather chuffed as the game approached it's finale looking likely to end in a draw.  But evil Charles Austin decided that he did not like the idea of money going to charity, scoring with an emphatic header in the 89th minute to show his support for tumours everywhere.  It proved to be a good day for Austin, who only took up football as a side-job whilst not producing vacuum pumps.  It was not such a good day for Nigel Clough's men, who slipped below their opponents in the league.  It was a hard result to accept for the manager, who has a statue of his old man outside the stadium.  And that is not a euphemism. 

Game 2: Crystal Palace vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )

Cardiff squandered the chance to move top of the Championship despite making a fantastic start at Selhurst Park.  Palace started well, but Aron Gunnarsson scored against the run of play, slotting calmly past Julian Speroni.  Two minutes later and City had doubled their lead with a volley from Mafia farmer Don Cowie.  From then until half-time, Cardiff looked rather comfortable and could even have extended the lead further, with Craig Bellamy firing over from nine yards.  A renewed Palace side emerged in the second-half and instantly pressured their opponents.  Within six minutes of the restart, opening scorer Gunnarsson was adjudged to have handled inside his area and Glenn Murray scored from the spot.  Murray got his second on 62 minutes when a deflected shot fell to him and he shot past Cardiff's David Marshall.  And the fightback was complete ten minutes later when Heidar Helguson made a reckless challenge in the Cardiff box, forcing the referee to award a second penalty to the Eagles.  Murray stepped up to claim his hat-trick and seal the win, rounding off a mint performance (insert cymbal crash here).

Game 3: Liverpool vs Manchester United
Prediction: Liverpool ( x )

Two of the great rivals of English football squared up in typical fashion (football kits, mostly) in a day which started with more tributes to the victims of the Hillsborough disaster.  And more importantly, two overpaid men SHOOK HANDS WITH EACH OTHER!!!  Liverpool dominated in the first half, but as usual failed to realise that scoring goals is a prerequisite of controlling matches.  Late in the first half, ridiculously named Jonjo Shelvey (is it John or Joe, make your mind up!) was shown a straight red for a mis-timed tackle.  Strangely, ten-man Liverpool went on to take the lead after the restart as Steven Gerrard volleying home just seconds after the interval.  But the lead was to last a mere five minutes as a neat move from United ended with Rafael Da Silva beating Pepe Reina.  United would go on to take all three points when Glen Johnson brought down Nuno Valencia inside the area, and Robin Van Persie slotted home the resulting penalty.  In the aftermath of the game, referee Mark Halsey has contacted police to report offensive comments on his Twitter feed.  Whilst not disclosed by the police, I can confirm that he was referred to as VARK Halsey (vark meaning pig in Afrikaans, obviously.) 

Game 4: Port Vale vs Gillingham 
Prediction: Port Vale ( x )

A battle of the big boys in League Two ended with Gillingham cementing their place as league leaders.  The visitors were in control for most of the game and took the lead on 11 minutes when THE Deon Burton headed in Robbie Findley's cross.  Did anyone know he was still playing?  I seem to remember at France 1998 everyone thought he was going to be the badger's nadgers but he ended up being... a bit crap.  The Gills (who take their nickname from celebrated nuclear physicist Piara Singh Gill) made it two when Chris Whelpdale fired home from a Joe Martin through-ball.  Onomatologists everywhere will jump at the chance to tell you that Whelpdale's surname means Puppyvalley, so that is how he shall be referred to should he ever appear in The Grambler again.  Following the game, Gillingham midfielder Danny Jackman said "The gaffer's tried to get us work as a solid unit, and once we all attack together, we all defend together."  Top clichés, sir! 

Game 5: West Ham vs Sunderland
Prediction: Sunderland ( x )

Sunderland have now drawn so many games that they may as well just get it over with and rename the club Sundrawland.  The perennial single-pointers started brightly with summer signing and Craig Levein ignoree Steven Fletcher scored the opening goal after nine minutes, dedicating his goal to his father who is currently incarcerated at Slade Prison.  West Ham responded by piling the pressure on the Black Cats, but could not break their resolute defence.  A number of chances went to waste as Sunderland sat in their own half for most of the second half, hopeful of defending their narrow lead.  All looked swell for The Grambler, as the game entered it's final minutes with an away victory in sight.  But cap'n Kevin Nolan had other ideas; in the dying seconds, the ball fell to him in the six yard box and he hooked the ball into the net.  A dramatic end to the game and another nail in the coffin for my coupon.  In tribute to home team's goalscorer, here is potentially the best joke I have ever come up with: Which West Ham player has problems when accessing the internet? Kevin No LAN! ThankyouverymuchladiesandgentlemenI'llbehereallweek!   

Game 6: Aberdeen vs Motherwell
Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )

Saturday afternoon.  Pittodrie, Aberdeen.  83 minutes on the clock.  Motherwell lead by three goals to one.  Stuart McCall shouts cap'n Keith over to the touchline.  "Psst...  I've just noticed that The Grambler has us on for a draw this weekend... Better tell the lads to ship two goals in the last seven minutes... You ain't seen me, right?"  McCall taps his nose and slinks back in to the dugout, his ginger mullet flowing in the wind.  It's the only plausible explanation.  It was Aberdeen who had opened the scoring, Gavin Rae heading into the net after six minutes of play.  Well's Michael Higdon levelled things before the break with his seventh goal in as many games (and yet, half of the East Stand still boo him... Yes, I'm talking to YOU exceedingly angry man with black baseball cap and senile father in tow who sits two rows in front of me!)  Motherwell took control after the break, Shaun Hutchinson heading them into the lead.  The win looked to be sealed on 82 minutes when Nicky Law scored from close range, but this is when the above conversation took place.  Niall McGinn proved that the game was not over with a header on 84 minutes as the away side let him score.  And McCall's brilliant plan came to fruition in the last minute of stoppage time as Josh Magennis scored in dramatic fashion.  So thank you Stuart McCall for sacrificing a comfortable lead at the top of the SPL just for The Grambler, much appreciated!

Game 7: Morton vs Raith Rovers
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )

My 'Favourite Match Report of the Week' award (a new award celebrating my favourite match report of the week) goes to whoever writes the reports on the Raith Rovers website, who informs us of important match incidents such as 'the referee is a former cricketer' and 'the fans munched on bacon rolls.'  Raith appeared to have a number of chances to build on their recent good form, but could not find their finishing touch as Stuart Anderson, Scott Taggart, Jason Thomson  and Simon Mensing  missed the target.   The decisive goal came from one of the home side's few chances, when Stephen Stirling hit a thunderous 25 yard strike past former Raith keeper David McGurn.  The win pushed Morton up to third place in the First Division, much to delight of manager Allan Moore who, along with being a mediocre football manager, wrote the Watchmen and V for Vendetta.  Assuming of course that there could not possibly be more than one person with this common forename and surname combination.

So another mildly successful week, still waiting for the big win.  Inevitably it will come on the final round of games of the season, whereby I will win two grand setting me up nicely for a Danny Wallace-esque book.  

The next round of Grambling will start at 9 a.m. sharp on Friday (which translates roughly to 7.30 p.m. by my timing).  As I have won some money for a few weeks now, I am legally obliged to provide an inspirational quote about winning.  So take it away Mr Roy Castle:

"If you wanna be the best,and you wanna beat the rest.  Oo-ooh!  Dedication's what you need.  (Trumpet Solo)"