Week 1: Gramblers, re-assemble!

Oh why hello there, you're looking swell!  So it's a new season starting today and unlike the last new season I invented (smepper - the delicious salt and pepper combo that was going to make me a millionaire) this one has toned down over the summer - not exactly Rooney style (i.e. by adding two stone...)  We are ready to make a realistic attempt at earning some cash for the Bobby Moore Fund this year.

To highlight exactly why we are bothering, I have spent most of the summer in hospital with a sheet over my head praying for an end.  Much like David Moyes.  The marquee signings have barely rolled in at Old Trafford, whereas across Manchester, Jesus Navas and Fernandinho to make up for the painful loss of Carlos Tevez.  In London, newly reinvigorated Chelsea have added German striker André Schürrle and Spurs have signed Brazil's answer to Paul Daniels (or some other guy called Paul)  Paulinho and Spanish striker Roberto Soldado, now owner of Hampshire's largest collection of mismatched acrylic socks.  

Most changes have taken place on the management tree but there are plenty of exciting new talents to watch lower down the league, like the outstandingly named trio Ricky Van Wolfswinkel, Victor Wanyama and Florian Marange.  Of course, it all wires down to one thing....  This:

Well. not that one but you get the point.  A big cup.  Looking all purdy with ribbons on come May next year.  It'll definitely be worth it.  So Grambling pads (no idea what they are but I now need one) at the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaady!  Let's go, season 2013/14 of the Grambler, whoop whoop!

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result -  Odds
Man City vs Newcastle - Away win - 10/1
Middlesbrough vs Blackpool - Home Win - 11/10
Cheltenham vs Plymouth - Home win - 19/20
St Johnstone vs Ross County - Draw - 21/10
Dundee vs Alloa - Home win - 8/13
50p @ 225/1

Bet 2: Three game accumulator from all EPL and SPL
Game - Result -  Odds
Norwich vs Everton - Draw - 23/10
West Brom vs Southampton - Home win - 6/4
Inverness vs Motherwell - Away win - 9/4
£1 @ 26/1

Just the two bets today but interesting stuff, I'm sure you'll agree*!  The main bet features Manu Pellegrini's competitive début end in terrible, unjustifiable defeat plus defeat for last season's Premiership-nearly men Blackpool.  Which might shut up Paul Ince, hooray!

Our top-tier second bet has some interesting lower Premiership games, with Everton's new boss Roberto Martinez set to taste sweet, sweet mediocrity with a draw.  Meanwhile, in the SPL Motherwell will look to follow up their (imagined) title from last season with a third successive (imagined) title win.

*If you are interested in that sort of thing in any way...

So in summary, there be a couple of bets what you may or may not put faith in.  The Grambler doesn't exactly have an amazing record and hence it will certainly be a win for us this time around.  Excpect the wins to tally up as the season flies by.

Week 36: What the Hell do we do now!?

You may recall last season ending in rather dramatic fashion with that Aguero stoppage type goal against QPR prising the title from the clutches of Manchester United.  Well, this season is slightly different.  The relegation spots are filled, the title has been decided, runners-up are already in place and unless something ridiculous happens, Chelsea have have third sewn up.  So the only matter of interest is the race for fourth place.  Can you feel the excitement?  No, neither can I.  

There are of course play-off finals taking place which are far more exciting. With places up for grabs in the Championship and Premiership, Brentford will take on Yeovil tomorrow and Crystal Palace play Watford a week on Monday respectively.  And of course the Champions League final takes place next weekend so there is still something to look forward to.  But then, a whole summer without football!  Nooooooooooooooo!

This week's Grambler is made up entirely from Premiership games.  We have the usual three game accumulator and since it's the last round of games of the season... The Super Mega Awesome Grambler!  A ten game accumulator attempting to pick the winners of every Premiership games at random...  This is the bet that will prove whether there really are any footballing Gods supporting The Grambler!

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland - Home win - 2/7

West Brom vs Man Utd - Draw - 29/10

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Away win - 11/20

£1 @ 7/1

Oddly, The Grambler has managed to choose the only two games that actually matter in this accumulator, adding a little excitement to the proceedings.  Spurs will be hopeful of bettering Arsenal's result to pinch fourth place and the delicious Champions League football that comes with it.  Sunderland do not need to achieve anything following Wigan's midweek relegation but manager and horrible fascist (lest we forget) Paulo Di Canio might still have to prove to some supporters that he is the man to lead them next season.  Tickets are allegedly changing hands for thousands of pounds ahead of West Brom's tie against Man Utd.  This will of course be Sir Alex Ferguson's last game in charge and perhaps we should expect him to round off an illustrious career with a win.  The Baggies have also had a reasonable season and a point against the Champions would conclude things nicely.  Arsenal travel to Tyneside needing a win to secure fourth spot in the league but given the right results elsewhere, could force a 3rd/4th place play-off with Chelsea.  It is highly unlikely, however.  Newcastle will be relieved to find themselves safe having unexpectedly been dragged into a relegation fight towards the end of the season.  As with most teams at this stage of the season, they will no doubt still send out a strong starting line-up with instructions to win purely for the purposes of selling season tickets for next year.

Super Mega Awesome Grambler! accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Chelsea vs Everton - Home win - 8/11

Liverpool vs QPR - Draw - 6/1

Man City vs Norwich - Home win - 1/3

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Draw - 18/5

Southampton vs Stoke - Away win - 4/1

Swansea vs Fulham - Home win - 4/5

Spurs vs Sunderland - Draw - 5/1

West Brom vs Man Utd - Away win - 5/6

West Ham vs Reading - Home win - 4/6

Wigan vs Aston Villa - Away win - 13/5

50p @ 44,048/1

Check out those odds!  I am genuinely excited by this bet!  It is so horrendously wrong that it has to be right!  What a perfect way to round of the season that would be too.  I can then sell my story to the Daily Record or some equally poor 'newspaper', write the Grambler book over the summer, start recording my Christmas single in Autumn and by the end of the year, an estimated £1.6 million will on it's way to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research!  Not that I'm setting my hopes unreasonably high or anything...

We shall return next week for the final Grambler of the season, a Champions League special. And then, who knows...?

STOP PRESS!!!!
Exciting news as I have decided to add a Eurovision bet to this week's proceedings!  The Grambler has selected Russia, who this year shall be represented by Dina Garipova singing What If (which turns out not to be a Lightning Seeds cover).  I'm not sure about this choice... Russia were robbed last year as the singing grannies of Buranovskiye Babushki were by far the best act of the night but failed to take the gong, maybe this could be their year?  The Russian entry is 16/1 to win outright so I have bet a quid each way and any winnings will go to the usual charidee.  Here is Miss Garipova in action for those of you curious enough...

Week 34: Gramblersaurus, raaaaaaaaaawwwwwr!

This week, one rather peckish fellow has dominated the footballing headlines as Luis Suarez decided that it was a good idea to have a mid-game snack consisting of Branislav Ivanovic's forearm.  Strangely, the FA felt that this feast did not quite adhere to the rules of the game and promptly whipped out a ten match ban for the Liverpool based cannibal.  Absolutely everyone has had an opinion on this episode, including our glorious leader David Cameron who is worried about the example that Suarez's behaviour is setting for our children.  It's almost as good an example as taking your offspring to the pub and then leaving them there, eh Davey?

Elsewhere, coupons across Europe were busted as every armchair fan's former favourites Barcelona and Real Madrid were soundly beaten by every armchair fan's new favourites Bayern Munich and Borrussia Dortmund respectively.  The first leg results from the Champions League semi-final would suggest we may be looking forward to an all-German final at Wembley come May but the Spanish giants could have an element of bouncebackability in the return legs.  Sadly for Dortmund, it looks like their team will be ripped apart by the richer vultures of European football over the summer meaning that they will be unable to build upon this season's success.  Munich are unlikely to be disappointed by this seeing as they were first in on the act, with the capture of Dortmund's £30 million striker Mario Götze.

And in the Europa League... Who am I kidding, no one cares.

Two bets for you this week; the traditionally useless 5 game accumulator and the always so close but no cigar Premiership accumulator.  I have ditched the goalscorer bet as it is flawed in so many ways.  If anyone would like to suggest an alternative bet to take it's place, feel free.  I was thinking of something along the lines of a £1 bet on what Neil Lennon will cry about this weekend...

Five game all-league accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
Everton vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9
Wolves vs Burnley - Home win - 5/4
Hibs vs St Mirren - Away win - 21/10
Shrewsbury vs Portsmouth - Home win - 6/4
Chelsea vs Swansea - Home win - 1/3
£1 @ 33/1

At first glance, that is not too ridiculous a bet.  Two Premiership games in which The Grambler has selected the home sides and favourites to win.  In both cases, they could be considered must win games with a Europa League place up for grabs for Everton and third place within Chelsea's grasp.  In the Championship, Wolves are desperately trying to claw their way out of the relegation zone and this is their last home game of the campaign so again I get to use the very much overused phrase 'must win.'  Portsmouth have had a good week by their standards, having emerged from administration, agreed a fan's takeover and appointed Guy Whittingham as boss.  But Pompey are already relegated and with little to play for, along with Shrewsbury's recent good form, defeat may be likely.  And in the SPL, two teams who have had mixed seasons meet at Easter Road.  Home-side Hibs are due to play Celtic in the Scottish Cup final in May but find themselves 9th in the league.  St Mirren won the League Cup in March but are second bottom of the SPL.  Both teams evidently have moments of good play but can also be very poor so this game could go either way.


Three game Premiership accumulator 
Game - Result - Odds
Newcastle vs Liverpool - Home win - 15/8
Man City vs West Ham - Home win - 1/4
Aston Villa vs Sunderland - Home win - 5/4
£1 @ 7/1

In what looks like a fix, it's all home wins in this week's Premiership bet.  But home advantage is not everything, otherwise this betting lark would be a whole lot easier.  Newcastle set a high standard last season, playing some decent football and surpassing everyone's expectations with a 5th place finish.  However, Alan Pardew's side have struggled replicate their form this season and despite the odd good result, have been dragged into the relegation fight.  Liverpool are another team who have failed to live up to expectations.  Currently 7th in the league and now without suspended leading scorer and aforementioned bitey-person Luis Suarez, they may struggle to finish the campaign on a high note.  Manchester City have just handed the Premiership trophy back to their rivals from across the City and the talk of which multi-million pound signings they will be making this pre-season has begun.  Second place is pretty much safe for City but speculation surrounds the future of many players who will surely be keen to prove that they are worthy of another season at the club.  West Ham have had a better season than many would have expected and are currently 10th having gone 5 games unbeaten.  They also had a nice bonus recently after it was confirmed that the taxpayers of this country, allegedly a bit skint and in a double-dip recession, are buying them a new stadium.  Which is nice of us all!  Aston Villa and Sunderland square up in a relegation dogfight (why is it always dogs?  Why not giraffes?), with the home side having suffered yet another poor season.  At least they didn't do so with Alex McLeish at the helm this time though.  Meanwhile, Sunderland fans have already forgotten that their new manager is a horrible fascist after he won a few games, including thrashing much-hated rivals Newcastle on their own patch.  How fickle football fans can be!  Should he keep up the good start, the Black Cats could well be safe come the end of the weekend.  

An agreeable sum of £40 is on offer this week should The Grambler correctly predict all eight results.  As always, any winnings shall go to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Should you wish to play along at home, press the red button now......

Week 33: Nooooo, not Rolf!

They say that a lot can happen in a week of football.  This week virtually nothing happened and a man punched a horse.  That is this week's summary for you.

Here are the bets...

Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Hamilton vs Raith - Home win - 5/4
Aldershot vs Dag & Red - Away win - 14/5
Queen's Park vs East Stirling - Home win - 2/7
Norwich vs Reading - Draw - 11/4
Liverpool vs Chelsea - Home win - 23/20
50p @ 88/1


Three game Premiership accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
QPR vs Stoke - Home win - 6/5
Sunderland vs Everton - Home win -9/4
Swansea vs Southampton - Home win - 13/10
50p @ 15/1


Three player anytime goalscorer accumulator
Player - Game - Odds
Olivier Giroud -Fulham vs Arsenal - 5/4
Sergio Aguero - Tottenham vs Man City - 8/5 
Juan Mata - Liverpool vs Chelsea - 5/2
50p @20/1

To save you the effort of dusting off the ol' calculator, I can confirm that the potential winnings of this week's bets combined are a humongous... £61.50!!!  As always, any winnings shall be donated to the good folks at the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research, for cancer is a half-witted rapscallion and should be stopped.  Grambling is the only way!

Week 32: Teri Hatcher's dead!?

Okay, so the whole horse racing thing didn't work out too well.  After a short trip to the dog food factory, I'm willing to put that all behind us and from now on stick to Buckaroo when I'm in the mood for horsing around.  And so we return to what we know best this week... Football!*  And by 'know best', I clearly mean what we know very little about but Google thankfully fills in the blanks.  

*Although I am tempted to put some money on the French to win the real -life Quidditch World Cup...

A week of Champions League excitement saw Borussia Dortmund leave it late to beat a spunky Malaga side, Galatasaray give Real Madrid a run for their money and an injured Leo Messi still managing to make the difference against PSG, setting up the goal to see them through to the semi-finals.  Another league manager was carelessly tossed onto the scrapheap as Sheffield United parted ways with 1980s Scottish pop-rock group Danny Wilson.  The incredibly unlikeable Neil Warnock has already emerged as a contender for the vacancy.  And the Daily Mail started a campaign to have a minute silence at each weekend game to mark the death of Big Mags Thatcher, apparently oblivious to the fact that a large proportion of the country were less than enamoured to her.  Because obviously any attempt to have a minute silence in the name of Thatcher would end well, wouldn't it?  It's almost as if they want to anger people and have them boo their way through a minute's tribute in order to whip up a frenzy and feed off the outrage...  Oh wait, it's the Daily Mail.  That's exactly what they want.

And on that note, we move onto this weekend's football.  The Tyne-and-Wear derby could be the pick of the Premiership games, although the prospect of Southampton vs West Ham is tremendously exciting... Chelsea and Man City square-off for a place in the FA Cup final whilst in the other semi-final, Wigan and Millwall will compete in a half-empty Wembley...  And in Scotland, Hibs play Falkirk and Dundee United face Celtic for a place in the Scottish Cup Final.  But what does The Grambler have to say about it all?  Well, this:

Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs Sunderland - Home win - 19/20

Stevenage vs Yeovil - Draw - 12/5

Dag & Red vs Oxford Utd - Home win - 6/5

Leeds vs Sheff Wed - Away win - 21/10

Wolves vs Huddersfield - Home win - 11/10

50p @ 94/1

Three game accumulator from the Premiership and FA Cup

Game - Result - Odds

Stoke vs Man Utd - Away win - 4/7

Chelsea vs Man City - Home win* - 21/10

Southampton vs West Ham - Home win - 17/20

£1 @ 8/1

*Obviously not actually a home game.  Result is after 90 minutes.

Three player any-time goalscorer accumulator

Player - Game - Odds

Theo Walcott - Arsenal vs Norwich - 10/11

Wayne Rooney - Stoke vs Man Utd - 6/4

Christian Benteke - Aston Villa vs Fulham - 11/10

50p @ 8/1

And that's yer lot for today.  In the unlikely scenario that all predictions are correct, we will be handing over a whopping £54 to the Bobby Moore Fund.  In the more likely scenario that none are correct, we will be handing over a pitiful £0.  

Don't drink and Gramble.

Week 30: Happy Jesus' death day!

Glad to be back to good ol' league football after an international break which proved devastating for both the Grambler's bets and my faith in the Scotland national team.  Wins for Holland and the mighty Uzbekistan on Tuesday gave us a grand total of two out of five correct predictions which the chairman has deemed 'not good enough.'  The newspapers were full of talk of The Grambler's imminent sacking on Wednesday morning but after crunch talks with the board, he/she/it has been given a vote of confidence, but been warned that results must change before the end of the season.  There will be a great deal of pressure on all staff at Grambler Park this week and some good predictions will be expected to alleviate shareholders and fans alike.

Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Swansea vs Tottenham - Draw - 2/5
Aberdeen vs Hearts - Home win - 7/5
Preston vs Portsmouth - Home win - 4/6
Ipswich vs Leeds - Home win - 23/20
Queen of the South vs Brechin - Home win - 4/11
50p @ 39/1

With Tottenham looking to seize 4th place from rivals Chelsea, a trip to Swansea may appear daunting.  The League cup winners may be back in 9th place but their home form has been impressive this season.  Swansea manager Michael Laudrup has warned Spurs that they could suffer from the 'FIFA virus'; an illness comparable to chlamydia whereby a one-night stand with international football leaves one unable to perform.  Aberdeen have finally moved Granpaw Broon into a granny flat beside Pittodrie and appointed former St Johnstone boss Derek McInnes, breaking a club tradition of only stealing Motherwell managers.  The Dons sit 9th in the SPL, although the fans still reckon that it's 1989 and they're challenging for the title.  Hearts have already been through their annual managerial turmoil, replacing John McGlynn with Gary Locke who will inevitably be sacked at the end of the season anyway.  Preston boss Simon Grayson has pretty much written off this season but claims that the foundations are in place for a promotion push next year.  He has overseen just one win in six games since taking over.  Portsmouth look likely to continue their unstoppable slide down the leagues with relegation to League Two this year.  It's almost like spending beyond their means in the Premiership leading to financial instability and seasons of poor performances on the pitch was a bad idea.  Who was manager then again?  Oh yeah, 'Sir' Harry Redknapp...  Since taking over as Ipswich gaffer earlier in the season, Mick McCarthy has taken his side from bottom to something resembling safety.  However, the Tractorboys have the lowest number of goals for in the Championship.  And the worst nickname.  Neil Warnock has said that if Leeds fail to gain promotion to the Premiership this season, he will leave the club.  Currently 10th, a play-off spot is not mathematically impossible but with 2 wins in the past 10 games, he'd best start packing his  bags.

Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game - Result - Odds
Wigan vs Norwich - Home win - 10/11
Southampton vs Chelsea - Home win - 5/8
Everton vs Stoke - Draw - 11/4
50p @ 24/1

Wigan have reached that point in the season where they occasionally remember to win some games but they are still in the relegation zone.  Roberto Martinez expects his team to attack and be aggressive in their fight for survival.  Apparently Callum McManaman took this too literally...  Norwich have had a good season, although with probably a few more draws than they would like.  They have already started planning for next season by bolstering their attack with a club-record signing of the man with the greatest name in world football; Ricky van Wolfswinkel!  Just months ago, Southampton looked like they were already doomed.  But the appointment of Mauricio Pochettino may prove to be a shrewd one with the Saints joint on points with Sunderland in 15th.  Pochettino's only 2 wins have come against Manchester City and Liverpool, so Chelsea might not seem so daunting to him.  The Blues have moved past Spurs to 3rd in the Premiership and Rafa Benitez will be looking to hold onto this position, lest the Chelsea fans somehow turn against him even more.  The reverse fixture ended in a 2-2 draw back in January, and this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for Nigel Adkins.  Everton will once again be aiming to finish ahead of their noisy neighbours this season and so far lead the way with a 3 point advantage as well as a game in hand.  They were surprise victors against Manchester City prior to the international break and will hope that this form will not have been disturbed by the interval.  Stoke look set to end the season with their usual mid-table finish having gained no new fans as a result of their style of football.  But on a positive note, they will no longer be lumbered with the waste of space, self publicising, deluded, former footballer Michael Owen.

Three goalscorer accumulator
Scorer - Match - Odds
Michu - Swansea vs Tottenham - 8/5
Dimitar Berbatov - Fulham vs QPR - 10/11
Edin Dzeko - Manchester City vs Newcastle - 20/21
50p @ 9/1

Michu will undoubtedly go down as the find of the season having cost Michael Laudrup just £2 million and going on to score 15 league goals already this season.  Spurs kept a clean-sheet against Swansea back in December and will be aiming to keep Michu quiet once again.  Berbatov has been a pleasure to watch in the Premiership for the past 7 seasons with some memorable goals.  He is Fulham's top scorer this season with 11 but was not on the scoresheet when QPR defeated Fulham 2-1 earlier in the season.  Dzeko is perhaps the one of the most under-appreciated players at Manchester City with rumours constantly abound that the Bosnian striker will be sold off at the end of the season.  With 12 league goals this season, he is City's top scorer.  However, Roberto Mancini may not start with the striker following his international involvement during the week.

And that's yer lot!  Three relatively plausible bets to follow this weekend which could bring in a massive £36 for the Bobby Moore Fund.  And as always, remember; if you are Grambling under the age of 12, make sure you do so with the help of a responsible adult.

Week 8 Results: Different recipe, same great taste!

It would appear that at some point over the weekend, I pressed a big red button which said 'do not press' quite clearly on it and somehow managed to destroy this here website.  Thankfully, the world is still intact and all of the text still existed (there is no way I was re-writing that jibberish) but I had deleted the entire template.  Having spent the past few days rebuilding, I would like to introduce you to the new, improved Grambler!*  There is also now a frequently asked questions page (click over there somewhere).  If you have a question which you would like to frequently ask, feel free to use the comments section, send a message via the Facebook page or alternatively write it on a blank postcard and send to: 

KFC Customer Services
PO Box 57984
London W4 9AX

Back to the business at hand...   It was an average week for The Grambler with three of the seven results correct.  But it was an exciting weekend nonetheless, with 26 goals shared between the 14 teams involved.  That may be a Grambler record, I would check but I can't be bothered.  

*May not actually be improved in any way.

Game 1: Airdrie United vs Hamilton Acidemical
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Hamilton had yet to record a league win this season as they visited the Excelsior stadium, which is either named for one of the largest gems ever found or a ship in Star Trek.  Since Airdrie are nicknamed the DIAMONDS, I'm going to assume it's the latter.  But I digress.  Accies dominated the first half but Airdrie nearly took the lead following the restart; a Stephen Hendrie back-pass was intercepted but Kevin Cuthbert did well to save.  This was to be the home side's only shot on target though, and in the 66th minute, Hamilton finally took the lead with Ali Crawford scoring his 4th of the season.  Six minutes later and the lead was doubled via a Louis Longridge header.  Stevie May, who appears to be related to Brian going by the hair alone, scored in the 83rd minute to make the score 'realistic' according to the Accies' website; they fail to confirm whether they are referring to philosophical, scientific or socio-political realism.  St Johnstone loanee May then rounded off a good day with a second from the penalty spot, the first spot-kick Hamilton have been awarded for forty games apparently.

Game 2: West Bromwich Albion vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Draw ( x )

West Brom continued their fine start the season with a win at the Hawthorns.  And it didn't take long to get the ball rolling, with midfielder and unbearably mediocre singer James Morrison notching the first on 5 minutes.  After 22 minutes, the hosts were two-up thanks to a goal from Zoltan Gera, the evil-looking-fortune-granting-whilst-unplugged-machine from Big.  Adel Taarabt pulled one back for Rangers before half-time but any chance of a come-back was buried when Congolese midfielder Youssouf Mulumbu swept in five minutes from time.  QPR did manage a late consolation via Esteban Granero, but Albion managed to hang on for the remaining seconds to record the win.  Man-of-the-match nominee Morrison made it into BBC correspondent Garth Crook's 'team of the week', alongside the outstanding claim that Roy Hodgson should be keeping an eye on him.  That would be Roy Hodgson, England manager, keeping tabs on Scott Morrison, capped 23 times by Scotland... This is the cutting-edge journalism that your licence fee is paying for!

Game 3: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
A sunny Autumnal day was not enough to bring out the crowds in Forfar - somehow Station Park defied all physical possibilities to host a crowd of minus 487 -  as the home side were edged out in another five goal thriller.  An early penalty was dispatched by Ryan McCord to put the visitors in front but the lead lasted just one minute as budget jeans salesman Danny Denholm levelled the score with a header.  The Wasps found themselves in front once more when defender Jason Marr scored his first goal for the club in the 22nd minute, and this time they managed to hold onto their lead for slightly longer; the score remaining the same as the players munched on their half-time bridies.  Eleven minutes from time and Denholm had once again pulled the home side level, a left-footed strike beating Alloa's Scott Bain.  But again, the reprieve was only temporary as just five minutes later Mark Docherty nodded the winner to seal the points for Paul Hartley's side.    
Sponsored link; For all your fashion needs, visit Danny Denholm's Discount Denims... The savings are in his jeans!     

Game 4: Chelsea vs Norwich City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Off the field, it has not been a great week for Chelsea.  Captain and alleged massive racist John Terry was found guilty of being an alleged massive racist whilst defender and all-round unlikeable guy Ashley Cole has been fined for calling the alleged bunch of twats at the FA a bunch of twats.  However, on the pitch it was back to business as usual.   It was a comfortable win for the league frontrunners, but it was Norwich who took the lead when Grant Holt drove in a 15 yard shot.  Fast-forward 20 minutes and any hope that City had of holding on to their lead had been demolished.  Fernando Torres headed an equaliser on 14 minutes and a trademark long-range strike from Frank Lampard put the blues in front.  Just after the half-hour mark, Eden Hazard put the home side comfortably in front, all of this in spite of a Ruddy good attempt from Norwich's goalie to keep them in the game.  Norwich had some chances in the second half through counter-attacks but failed to find the net and force a way back into the game.  Branislav Ivanovic made sure of the three points when he drilled in the fourth with 15 minutes remaining.  And for all of you football trivia fans; Ivanovic once challenged Deep Blue to a game of Buckaroo and won.

Game 5: Millwall vs Bolton Wanderers 
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Defeat at Millwall proved to be the last straw for the Bolton board, with Owen Coyle losing his job in the aftermath.  And what a cruel way for the manager to go, with a 90th minute goal winning the tie for the Lions as well as a missed penalty that could have granted the visitors a win.  Millwall started well and early on Danny Shittu had a goal ruled out by the officials.  I Shittu not, a push on the goalkeeper was spotted by the referee and the home-side were denied the lead.  Shortly after, they made amends when Darius Henderson's shot deflected into the net past a sprawling Adam Bogdan, whom I swear was in Harry Potter.  Five minutes after half-time, Chris Eagles levelled the game; a soaring shot from the winger flew past the flapping keeper and nested in the net (because he has a name what is like a bird, see?)  Eagles was then given the chance to put his side in front from the spot after a foul from Jimmy Abdou, but he blazed the kick over the bar.  And in the last minute of the game, Henderson grabbed his second whilst moistening the seal on the envelope containing Coyle's P45 (not literally, that would just have been weird.)     

Game 6: Leyton P&O vs Sheffield United
Prediction: Home win ( x )
There is not a great deal to say about this game... A lucklustre first half by all accounts ended with neither team threatening to score, the only reportable incident was an injury to  Blades keeper Mark Howard which forced the introduction of  18 year old keeper George Long.  The second half saw slightly more action and just before the hour mark, Nick Blackman scored a stunning match-winner from 25 yards.  Kevin Lisbie could have equalised for Orient, but his shot was well-saved by Long.  Following the match, Orient's chairman Barry Hearn resumed his mental claims that the club should move to the Olympic Stadium instead of West Ham, stating that the club will not exist in five years time unless they move and rename themselves London Orient (catchy).  Apparently Mr Hearn made his fortune as an accountant.  Then went bankrupt.  Then somehow made another fortune  as an accountant.  So he should be able to complete this quick maths puzzle; Saturday's match was attended by 4,882 fans.  Of these, 1,253 were Sheffield United fans.  The Olympic Stadium has a capacity of 80,000.  Showing your working, please calculate WHY THE FECK ANYONE WOULD THINK THIS IS A POSSIBLY GOOD IDEA!? 

Game 7: Brentford vs Crawley Town
Prediction: Away win ( x )
In the first of two ties taking place between these two sides this week, Brentford emerged as winners thanks to a Clayton Donaldson double.  Brentford started the game well with 'Harry Forrester playing like a conductor controlling an orchestra in the first quarter and the rest of the Brentford players playing his tune while Crawley stood and admired.'  Thank you to the wannabe poet who does the Brentford match reports for that line.  Donaldson opened the scoring after 23 minutes when he slotted past Crawley keeper and former Manfredd Mann singer Paul Jones.  Nicky Adams gave the visitors hope with his goal in the 59th minute, having intercepted a poor back-pass.  But this was to be Crawley's only on-target shot of the game.  Donaldson secured the win with a neat chip in the 76th minute to move the Bees closer to the play-off spots.  And an insipid fact to round things off:  In what could be the most z-list celebrity coupling ever, Donaldson's partner is former Fame Academy contestant Pippa Fulton.  I bet you really wanted to know that.

So another week without a win.  From next week, I am thinking it might be a good idea to select my three favourite predictions (based on the reliability balls) and stick a separate bet on them as three correct seems to represent a good week.  Thus, the chances of raising money for those lovely Bobby Moore chaps would be increased.  Makes sense, no?

It is an international break once again this weekend, with a host of games taking place on Friday night.  I shall have the predictions online early on Friday morning for your enjoyment and/or ridicule.

"A frog in a well does not know the great sea."

-Ancient Japanese Proverb

(Nota bene: In this week's Rather Pointless Quote of the Week, The Grambler is 'the frog', 'the well' is the world of football betting and 'the great sea' is Scunthorpe.)

Week 8: The most accurate predictions since Mr T predicted pain!

A Grambler walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "hang on, aren't you a spreadsheet?  Or at very best a figment of some idiot's imagination with personality characteristics reflected upon it via a poorly written football blog?"

The Grambler replied "shut up and give me a pint, you beer-mongering scallywag!"

The bartender duly pulls the customer a pint of locally-brewed, weak lager and it retires to a booth by the window.  After a couple of minutes of enjoying the pint and the dulcet tones of The Carpenters emanating from the nearby jukebox, The Grambler was shocked to find that his table had started to rotate wildly causing the lager to spill.  Frustrated, the dataset approached the bar and ordered another pint.  Retiring to another seat so as not to tempt fate, The Grambler places his pint on the table only for it to start spinning rapidly, throwing it's pint glass accross the room.  Trying one more time, as these jokes always seem to have three attempts prior to the punchline, it found the same scenario played out.

Angered by this inability to enjoy a quiet drink, The Grambler approaches the barman once more and says "what the ruddy 'eck is going on here?" (having suddenly taken on the persona of a Yorkshireman),  "I'm just trying to enjoy a drink and your furniture keeps rotating!"

"Ah, well..." starts the barman.  "Seeing as you are a piece of data software..."

"I thought you'd enjoy a pivot table!"

Yes that's right, I've lowered myself to spreadsheet humour!  So about those predictions...

Game 1: Airdrie United vs Hamilton Acidemical
Prediction: Home win 
Oh yes, it's the crap Lanarkshire teams derby!  Clydebank Franchise #1 FC have taken only one point from their last five league games despite a good start to the season, whereby they won their first two matches.  Manager Jimmy Boyle has bemoaned his sides defensive frailties, commenting that they aren't comfortable on the ball, give it away cheaply and need to improve.  "We aren't confident enough on the ball and give it away cheaply. We need to improve" he told reporters.  Hamilton Acidemical, whose name suggests highly intelligent players with a home strip of robes and mortar boards, have fared even worse in the league this season.  Taking just three points from seven games, Billy Reid's side sit second bottom of the  First Division.  Do you know what would cheer him up?  Watching footage of himself falling on his backside whilst trying to grab the top of the dugout shelter.  On repeat.

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/8

Game 2: West Bromwich Albion vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Draw
The first of two Premiership games this week sees high flying West Brom take on bottom side QPR.  The Baggies, named so for their love of early-90s dance orientated music primarily coming out of Manchester, have impressed from the off this season, with three wins and only one loss in their first six games.  Steve Clarke has generally spent his career as an assistant but is proving that he is no Maurice Malpas with West Brom's current form.  He has certainly come a long way since his Eastenders days.  QPR meanwhile, are crap.  Ludicrously rich chairman Tony Fernandes has put a fair amount of money into the club and Mark Hughes has decided that, instead of investing it in youth or lesser known talent, he would like to buy fifty odd has-beens and watch them lose on a weekly basis.  Sitting bottom of the league and with an unpredictable rich owner who appears to know very little about football?  Get your bets in for the first managerial casualty of the season!  A draw is the best we can hope for, but even that seems unlikely.

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 11/4

Game 3: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
Yaaaaas, sitting here writing this 'ere blog and True by Spandau Ballet has just come on t'radio!  Anyway, where was I?  Ah, Forfar vs Alloa... The battle of the Athletics... Is that a derby?  I'm going to say yes.  Hah, hah, hah, haaahaaahaaaa (damn, this is going to be stuck in my head all day.)  Anyhoo, Forfar are another in-form team with an impressive five wins and a draw form their last six.  If they keep up this form, manager Dick Campbell will be back on the karaoke!  Alloa are six points behind their opponents with a reasonable three wins and a draw from their seven games.  They have good away form too, winning two thirds of their games on the road.  The last time the two sides met at Station Park, Forfar were comfortable winners with a 3-1 victory, could the Wasps be out for revenge?    Saxophone solo!

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 13/5

Game 4: Chelsea vs Norwich City
Prediction: Home win
The current European Champions take on take on the current... em, Norwich.  Chelsea are unbeaten this season and have only dropped two points in a 0-0 draw with QPR.  Their impressive run has been aided by recent(ish) acquisitions of Eden Hazzard and Juan Mata.  They could have been joined by Athletico Madrid's Radamel Falcao but he went all Elvis Costello on them.  Norwich have not been having such a great time this season.  Last season, they exceeded expectations under Paul Lambert (let's see that again!), but since his departure for Aston Villa and the subsequent appointment Chris Hughton, they have failed to impress.  Currently sitting in the relegation zone with a poor three points from six games, the mustard-mongers could already be candidates for relegation already.  In case you can't tell, 'monger' is my affix of the week.

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 2/9

Game 5: Millwall vs Bolton Wanderers 
Prediction: Home win
"No one likes us, we don't care" so goes the old Millwall ditty.  Well they should care, because Craig Noone seems like a thoroughly decent bloke.  Millwall have been sulking around the bottom half of the Championship for the past two seasons and currently sit in the relegation zone with just eight points from nine games.  And thanks to manager Kenny Jackett, Millwall are the proud recipients of The Grambler's Childish Giggle of the Week award.  Bolton wandered out of the Premiership at the end of last season and don't look like they'll be making a quick return.  Former 'brilliant up-and-coming young manager' turned 'mediocre not-really-going-anywhere-fast middle-aged manager' Owen Coyle seems to have taken to blaming referees for his failures and his side are currently just three points ahead of Millwall.  And worse still for the boss, he is struggling to pay off his debt of raw materials to the spring factory.  That's right, he's owing coil (this joke is copyrighted and I will sue if you try to use it without prior written consent.)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 15/8

Game 6: Leyton Orient vs Sheffield United
Prediction: Home win
According to reliable sources (Wikipedia), Leyton Orient took their name from their founder who had worked for the Orient Shipping Company.  Initially called Clapton Orient, reflecting their home-town, the side moved to Leyton after the second World War therefore becoming Leyton Orient.  As the Orient Shipping Company was taken over by P&O, they should really be called Leyton P&O so that is how they shall be referred to by me for the rest of my life.  Please do join me in this campaign.  P&O currently sit right in the middle of League One (technically that would mean 12.5th) and have a home record of two wins and two losses.  Sheffield United have fared slightly better and are one of three teams to remain unbeaten in League One thus far.  The Blades (named so because of their fans love of Wesley Snipes) have won two and drawn three on their travels.  Could they put in a blunt performance this week?  Call it a stab in the dark, but I think this could be a winner.  Manager Danny Wilson could soon be for the chop.  Their strikers have been known to slice their shots.  I could go on....

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 7: Brentford vs Crawley Town
Prediction: Away win
And finally we arrive in Brentford, a suburb of London which is famous for housing the headquarters of the Tie Rack.  And possibly some other stuff.  The football team have spent most of their existence dithering about the third tier of English football and currently sit tenth in the division with fourteen points.  The Bees' manager Uwe Rösler says "in the last few games we have had problems up front and haven't had too many chances."  They could learn a lot from their manager, who was the Premiership top scorer back in 1996... In a game of Championship Manager I once played...  Paired up front with Stefan Kuntz... Crawley have slowly been creeping up the table this season (the joke there was creepy-crawly in case you missed it).  They have perhaps been the surprise package in League One, with nineteen points in their ten games since promotion.  Top scorer and captain Gary Alexander will be hoping to make an impression against his former club.  I've heard he does a good Columbo. 

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5

The Grambler has spoken!  Go now and place your bets, lest ye be smited by the Great Grambling One!  Total odds for this week are 1,523/1!

Did you notice that this week's effort was on time?  Don't get too used to it... I shall be back between the hours of 9 a.m. Sunday and 11.30 p.m. Wednesday with the results.  I call it 'Royal Mail timing.'