Week 1: Gramblers, re-assemble!

Oh why hello there, you're looking swell!  So it's a new season starting today and unlike the last new season I invented (smepper - the delicious salt and pepper combo that was going to make me a millionaire) this one has toned down over the summer - not exactly Rooney style (i.e. by adding two stone...)  We are ready to make a realistic attempt at earning some cash for the Bobby Moore Fund this year.

To highlight exactly why we are bothering, I have spent most of the summer in hospital with a sheet over my head praying for an end.  Much like David Moyes.  The marquee signings have barely rolled in at Old Trafford, whereas across Manchester, Jesus Navas and Fernandinho to make up for the painful loss of Carlos Tevez.  In London, newly reinvigorated Chelsea have added German striker André Schürrle and Spurs have signed Brazil's answer to Paul Daniels (or some other guy called Paul)  Paulinho and Spanish striker Roberto Soldado, now owner of Hampshire's largest collection of mismatched acrylic socks.  

Most changes have taken place on the management tree but there are plenty of exciting new talents to watch lower down the league, like the outstandingly named trio Ricky Van Wolfswinkel, Victor Wanyama and Florian Marange.  Of course, it all wires down to one thing....  This:

Well. not that one but you get the point.  A big cup.  Looking all purdy with ribbons on come May next year.  It'll definitely be worth it.  So Grambling pads (no idea what they are but I now need one) at the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaady!  Let's go, season 2013/14 of the Grambler, whoop whoop!

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result -  Odds
Man City vs Newcastle - Away win - 10/1
Middlesbrough vs Blackpool - Home Win - 11/10
Cheltenham vs Plymouth - Home win - 19/20
St Johnstone vs Ross County - Draw - 21/10
Dundee vs Alloa - Home win - 8/13
50p @ 225/1

Bet 2: Three game accumulator from all EPL and SPL
Game - Result -  Odds
Norwich vs Everton - Draw - 23/10
West Brom vs Southampton - Home win - 6/4
Inverness vs Motherwell - Away win - 9/4
£1 @ 26/1

Just the two bets today but interesting stuff, I'm sure you'll agree*!  The main bet features Manu Pellegrini's competitive début end in terrible, unjustifiable defeat plus defeat for last season's Premiership-nearly men Blackpool.  Which might shut up Paul Ince, hooray!

Our top-tier second bet has some interesting lower Premiership games, with Everton's new boss Roberto Martinez set to taste sweet, sweet mediocrity with a draw.  Meanwhile, in the SPL Motherwell will look to follow up their (imagined) title from last season with a third successive (imagined) title win.

*If you are interested in that sort of thing in any way...

So in summary, there be a couple of bets what you may or may not put faith in.  The Grambler doesn't exactly have an amazing record and hence it will certainly be a win for us this time around.  Excpect the wins to tally up as the season flies by.

Week 36: What the Hell do we do now!?

You may recall last season ending in rather dramatic fashion with that Aguero stoppage type goal against QPR prising the title from the clutches of Manchester United.  Well, this season is slightly different.  The relegation spots are filled, the title has been decided, runners-up are already in place and unless something ridiculous happens, Chelsea have have third sewn up.  So the only matter of interest is the race for fourth place.  Can you feel the excitement?  No, neither can I.  

There are of course play-off finals taking place which are far more exciting. With places up for grabs in the Championship and Premiership, Brentford will take on Yeovil tomorrow and Crystal Palace play Watford a week on Monday respectively.  And of course the Champions League final takes place next weekend so there is still something to look forward to.  But then, a whole summer without football!  Nooooooooooooooo!

This week's Grambler is made up entirely from Premiership games.  We have the usual three game accumulator and since it's the last round of games of the season... The Super Mega Awesome Grambler!  A ten game accumulator attempting to pick the winners of every Premiership games at random...  This is the bet that will prove whether there really are any footballing Gods supporting The Grambler!

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland - Home win - 2/7

West Brom vs Man Utd - Draw - 29/10

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Away win - 11/20

£1 @ 7/1

Oddly, The Grambler has managed to choose the only two games that actually matter in this accumulator, adding a little excitement to the proceedings.  Spurs will be hopeful of bettering Arsenal's result to pinch fourth place and the delicious Champions League football that comes with it.  Sunderland do not need to achieve anything following Wigan's midweek relegation but manager and horrible fascist (lest we forget) Paulo Di Canio might still have to prove to some supporters that he is the man to lead them next season.  Tickets are allegedly changing hands for thousands of pounds ahead of West Brom's tie against Man Utd.  This will of course be Sir Alex Ferguson's last game in charge and perhaps we should expect him to round off an illustrious career with a win.  The Baggies have also had a reasonable season and a point against the Champions would conclude things nicely.  Arsenal travel to Tyneside needing a win to secure fourth spot in the league but given the right results elsewhere, could force a 3rd/4th place play-off with Chelsea.  It is highly unlikely, however.  Newcastle will be relieved to find themselves safe having unexpectedly been dragged into a relegation fight towards the end of the season.  As with most teams at this stage of the season, they will no doubt still send out a strong starting line-up with instructions to win purely for the purposes of selling season tickets for next year.

Super Mega Awesome Grambler! accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Chelsea vs Everton - Home win - 8/11

Liverpool vs QPR - Draw - 6/1

Man City vs Norwich - Home win - 1/3

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Draw - 18/5

Southampton vs Stoke - Away win - 4/1

Swansea vs Fulham - Home win - 4/5

Spurs vs Sunderland - Draw - 5/1

West Brom vs Man Utd - Away win - 5/6

West Ham vs Reading - Home win - 4/6

Wigan vs Aston Villa - Away win - 13/5

50p @ 44,048/1

Check out those odds!  I am genuinely excited by this bet!  It is so horrendously wrong that it has to be right!  What a perfect way to round of the season that would be too.  I can then sell my story to the Daily Record or some equally poor 'newspaper', write the Grambler book over the summer, start recording my Christmas single in Autumn and by the end of the year, an estimated £1.6 million will on it's way to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research!  Not that I'm setting my hopes unreasonably high or anything...

We shall return next week for the final Grambler of the season, a Champions League special. And then, who knows...?

STOP PRESS!!!!
Exciting news as I have decided to add a Eurovision bet to this week's proceedings!  The Grambler has selected Russia, who this year shall be represented by Dina Garipova singing What If (which turns out not to be a Lightning Seeds cover).  I'm not sure about this choice... Russia were robbed last year as the singing grannies of Buranovskiye Babushki were by far the best act of the night but failed to take the gong, maybe this could be their year?  The Russian entry is 16/1 to win outright so I have bet a quid each way and any winnings will go to the usual charidee.  Here is Miss Garipova in action for those of you curious enough...

Week 34: Gramblersaurus, raaaaaaaaaawwwwwr!

This week, one rather peckish fellow has dominated the footballing headlines as Luis Suarez decided that it was a good idea to have a mid-game snack consisting of Branislav Ivanovic's forearm.  Strangely, the FA felt that this feast did not quite adhere to the rules of the game and promptly whipped out a ten match ban for the Liverpool based cannibal.  Absolutely everyone has had an opinion on this episode, including our glorious leader David Cameron who is worried about the example that Suarez's behaviour is setting for our children.  It's almost as good an example as taking your offspring to the pub and then leaving them there, eh Davey?

Elsewhere, coupons across Europe were busted as every armchair fan's former favourites Barcelona and Real Madrid were soundly beaten by every armchair fan's new favourites Bayern Munich and Borrussia Dortmund respectively.  The first leg results from the Champions League semi-final would suggest we may be looking forward to an all-German final at Wembley come May but the Spanish giants could have an element of bouncebackability in the return legs.  Sadly for Dortmund, it looks like their team will be ripped apart by the richer vultures of European football over the summer meaning that they will be unable to build upon this season's success.  Munich are unlikely to be disappointed by this seeing as they were first in on the act, with the capture of Dortmund's £30 million striker Mario Götze.

And in the Europa League... Who am I kidding, no one cares.

Two bets for you this week; the traditionally useless 5 game accumulator and the always so close but no cigar Premiership accumulator.  I have ditched the goalscorer bet as it is flawed in so many ways.  If anyone would like to suggest an alternative bet to take it's place, feel free.  I was thinking of something along the lines of a £1 bet on what Neil Lennon will cry about this weekend...

Five game all-league accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
Everton vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9
Wolves vs Burnley - Home win - 5/4
Hibs vs St Mirren - Away win - 21/10
Shrewsbury vs Portsmouth - Home win - 6/4
Chelsea vs Swansea - Home win - 1/3
£1 @ 33/1

At first glance, that is not too ridiculous a bet.  Two Premiership games in which The Grambler has selected the home sides and favourites to win.  In both cases, they could be considered must win games with a Europa League place up for grabs for Everton and third place within Chelsea's grasp.  In the Championship, Wolves are desperately trying to claw their way out of the relegation zone and this is their last home game of the campaign so again I get to use the very much overused phrase 'must win.'  Portsmouth have had a good week by their standards, having emerged from administration, agreed a fan's takeover and appointed Guy Whittingham as boss.  But Pompey are already relegated and with little to play for, along with Shrewsbury's recent good form, defeat may be likely.  And in the SPL, two teams who have had mixed seasons meet at Easter Road.  Home-side Hibs are due to play Celtic in the Scottish Cup final in May but find themselves 9th in the league.  St Mirren won the League Cup in March but are second bottom of the SPL.  Both teams evidently have moments of good play but can also be very poor so this game could go either way.


Three game Premiership accumulator 
Game - Result - Odds
Newcastle vs Liverpool - Home win - 15/8
Man City vs West Ham - Home win - 1/4
Aston Villa vs Sunderland - Home win - 5/4
£1 @ 7/1

In what looks like a fix, it's all home wins in this week's Premiership bet.  But home advantage is not everything, otherwise this betting lark would be a whole lot easier.  Newcastle set a high standard last season, playing some decent football and surpassing everyone's expectations with a 5th place finish.  However, Alan Pardew's side have struggled replicate their form this season and despite the odd good result, have been dragged into the relegation fight.  Liverpool are another team who have failed to live up to expectations.  Currently 7th in the league and now without suspended leading scorer and aforementioned bitey-person Luis Suarez, they may struggle to finish the campaign on a high note.  Manchester City have just handed the Premiership trophy back to their rivals from across the City and the talk of which multi-million pound signings they will be making this pre-season has begun.  Second place is pretty much safe for City but speculation surrounds the future of many players who will surely be keen to prove that they are worthy of another season at the club.  West Ham have had a better season than many would have expected and are currently 10th having gone 5 games unbeaten.  They also had a nice bonus recently after it was confirmed that the taxpayers of this country, allegedly a bit skint and in a double-dip recession, are buying them a new stadium.  Which is nice of us all!  Aston Villa and Sunderland square up in a relegation dogfight (why is it always dogs?  Why not giraffes?), with the home side having suffered yet another poor season.  At least they didn't do so with Alex McLeish at the helm this time though.  Meanwhile, Sunderland fans have already forgotten that their new manager is a horrible fascist after he won a few games, including thrashing much-hated rivals Newcastle on their own patch.  How fickle football fans can be!  Should he keep up the good start, the Black Cats could well be safe come the end of the weekend.  

An agreeable sum of £40 is on offer this week should The Grambler correctly predict all eight results.  As always, any winnings shall go to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Should you wish to play along at home, press the red button now......

Week 33: Nooooo, not Rolf!

They say that a lot can happen in a week of football.  This week virtually nothing happened and a man punched a horse.  That is this week's summary for you.

Here are the bets...

Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Hamilton vs Raith - Home win - 5/4
Aldershot vs Dag & Red - Away win - 14/5
Queen's Park vs East Stirling - Home win - 2/7
Norwich vs Reading - Draw - 11/4
Liverpool vs Chelsea - Home win - 23/20
50p @ 88/1


Three game Premiership accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
QPR vs Stoke - Home win - 6/5
Sunderland vs Everton - Home win -9/4
Swansea vs Southampton - Home win - 13/10
50p @ 15/1


Three player anytime goalscorer accumulator
Player - Game - Odds
Olivier Giroud -Fulham vs Arsenal - 5/4
Sergio Aguero - Tottenham vs Man City - 8/5 
Juan Mata - Liverpool vs Chelsea - 5/2
50p @20/1

To save you the effort of dusting off the ol' calculator, I can confirm that the potential winnings of this week's bets combined are a humongous... £61.50!!!  As always, any winnings shall be donated to the good folks at the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research, for cancer is a half-witted rapscallion and should be stopped.  Grambling is the only way!

Week 30: Happy Jesus' death day!

Glad to be back to good ol' league football after an international break which proved devastating for both the Grambler's bets and my faith in the Scotland national team.  Wins for Holland and the mighty Uzbekistan on Tuesday gave us a grand total of two out of five correct predictions which the chairman has deemed 'not good enough.'  The newspapers were full of talk of The Grambler's imminent sacking on Wednesday morning but after crunch talks with the board, he/she/it has been given a vote of confidence, but been warned that results must change before the end of the season.  There will be a great deal of pressure on all staff at Grambler Park this week and some good predictions will be expected to alleviate shareholders and fans alike.

Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result - Odds
Swansea vs Tottenham - Draw - 2/5
Aberdeen vs Hearts - Home win - 7/5
Preston vs Portsmouth - Home win - 4/6
Ipswich vs Leeds - Home win - 23/20
Queen of the South vs Brechin - Home win - 4/11
50p @ 39/1

With Tottenham looking to seize 4th place from rivals Chelsea, a trip to Swansea may appear daunting.  The League cup winners may be back in 9th place but their home form has been impressive this season.  Swansea manager Michael Laudrup has warned Spurs that they could suffer from the 'FIFA virus'; an illness comparable to chlamydia whereby a one-night stand with international football leaves one unable to perform.  Aberdeen have finally moved Granpaw Broon into a granny flat beside Pittodrie and appointed former St Johnstone boss Derek McInnes, breaking a club tradition of only stealing Motherwell managers.  The Dons sit 9th in the SPL, although the fans still reckon that it's 1989 and they're challenging for the title.  Hearts have already been through their annual managerial turmoil, replacing John McGlynn with Gary Locke who will inevitably be sacked at the end of the season anyway.  Preston boss Simon Grayson has pretty much written off this season but claims that the foundations are in place for a promotion push next year.  He has overseen just one win in six games since taking over.  Portsmouth look likely to continue their unstoppable slide down the leagues with relegation to League Two this year.  It's almost like spending beyond their means in the Premiership leading to financial instability and seasons of poor performances on the pitch was a bad idea.  Who was manager then again?  Oh yeah, 'Sir' Harry Redknapp...  Since taking over as Ipswich gaffer earlier in the season, Mick McCarthy has taken his side from bottom to something resembling safety.  However, the Tractorboys have the lowest number of goals for in the Championship.  And the worst nickname.  Neil Warnock has said that if Leeds fail to gain promotion to the Premiership this season, he will leave the club.  Currently 10th, a play-off spot is not mathematically impossible but with 2 wins in the past 10 games, he'd best start packing his  bags.

Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game - Result - Odds
Wigan vs Norwich - Home win - 10/11
Southampton vs Chelsea - Home win - 5/8
Everton vs Stoke - Draw - 11/4
50p @ 24/1

Wigan have reached that point in the season where they occasionally remember to win some games but they are still in the relegation zone.  Roberto Martinez expects his team to attack and be aggressive in their fight for survival.  Apparently Callum McManaman took this too literally...  Norwich have had a good season, although with probably a few more draws than they would like.  They have already started planning for next season by bolstering their attack with a club-record signing of the man with the greatest name in world football; Ricky van Wolfswinkel!  Just months ago, Southampton looked like they were already doomed.  But the appointment of Mauricio Pochettino may prove to be a shrewd one with the Saints joint on points with Sunderland in 15th.  Pochettino's only 2 wins have come against Manchester City and Liverpool, so Chelsea might not seem so daunting to him.  The Blues have moved past Spurs to 3rd in the Premiership and Rafa Benitez will be looking to hold onto this position, lest the Chelsea fans somehow turn against him even more.  The reverse fixture ended in a 2-2 draw back in January, and this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for Nigel Adkins.  Everton will once again be aiming to finish ahead of their noisy neighbours this season and so far lead the way with a 3 point advantage as well as a game in hand.  They were surprise victors against Manchester City prior to the international break and will hope that this form will not have been disturbed by the interval.  Stoke look set to end the season with their usual mid-table finish having gained no new fans as a result of their style of football.  But on a positive note, they will no longer be lumbered with the waste of space, self publicising, deluded, former footballer Michael Owen.

Three goalscorer accumulator
Scorer - Match - Odds
Michu - Swansea vs Tottenham - 8/5
Dimitar Berbatov - Fulham vs QPR - 10/11
Edin Dzeko - Manchester City vs Newcastle - 20/21
50p @ 9/1

Michu will undoubtedly go down as the find of the season having cost Michael Laudrup just £2 million and going on to score 15 league goals already this season.  Spurs kept a clean-sheet against Swansea back in December and will be aiming to keep Michu quiet once again.  Berbatov has been a pleasure to watch in the Premiership for the past 7 seasons with some memorable goals.  He is Fulham's top scorer this season with 11 but was not on the scoresheet when QPR defeated Fulham 2-1 earlier in the season.  Dzeko is perhaps the one of the most under-appreciated players at Manchester City with rumours constantly abound that the Bosnian striker will be sold off at the end of the season.  With 12 league goals this season, he is City's top scorer.  However, Roberto Mancini may not start with the striker following his international involvement during the week.

And that's yer lot!  Three relatively plausible bets to follow this weekend which could bring in a massive £36 for the Bobby Moore Fund.  And as always, remember; if you are Grambling under the age of 12, make sure you do so with the help of a responsible adult.

Week 26: Or Week 221 in dog years.

BREAKNG NEWS!: An inquest to be held over the lack of successful predictions made by The Grambler. A spokesman for the genderless spreadsheet confirmed "there has been unrest caused by the terrible results selected by him/her.  We have demanded an investigation to identify why he/she continuously coerces us into placing awful bets."  The inquest will be led by Lord Benjamin Terence Parsnip Poshington III and findings are to be presented by January 2015.  

Basically, I'm admitting that I won nothing last week.
Moving on to this week's bet and there's no point in beating about the bush, I may as well just say it; we're screwed already. Game over, man, game over!  If this bet actually wins anything, I will eat a huge platter of IKEA brand horse balls. It's almost worth placing a bet on the opposite of The Grambler's choices, although I'm not too sure what the opposite of a draw is...

So now that I've built up your expectations, here's that bet...

Game 1: Arbroath vs Ayr United
Prediction: Home win
Starting out with the big one, we head for Arbroath for some smokies and some Second Division football.  It's the Red Lichties against the Honest Men in this battle of teams with slightly strange but at least original nicknames.  Only two places separate the two in the league table... but Arbroath are looking to move into the promotion playoff places with a win whilst the visitors will hope to avoid being dragged into a relegation dog fight with a loss.  The home side lost 2-1 when hosting leaders Alloa last weekend and Ayr suffered from a similar scoreline at home to Stenhousemuir.  Form does not tell us much but could The Grambler get off to a good start with a win from the Smokiemunchers? Player/manager Paul Sheer in, in an exclusive Grambler interview, said "maybe."
Odds on this result: 7/2

Game 2: Brentford vs Scunthorpe United
Prediction: Home win
The excitement continues as we head down the country to Griffin Park as the Bees take on the Iron in this contest between two sides with less exciting nicknames.  Uwe Rosler's Brentford team are flying high in League One and still in with a chance of promotion as the season run-in begins; Rosler proving that he is more than just a useful signing in 1997/98 Championship Manager.  Fresh from putting up a brave fight against horrible, horrible Chelsea in the FA Cup, the Bees won 2-1 at Crawley last week to take them 5th in the league and just four points from the top.  At the other end of the table, Brian Laws is nervously glancing back as his Scunthorpe side sit just three points from the relegation zone.  A 1-0 win at Stevenage last weekend would have allowed United to breathe a sigh of relief but they are still at risk of dropping into League Two, thus heaping shame upon local celebrity and BBC weatherman Darren Bett.   Odds on this result: 7/10

Game 3: Coventry City vs Swindon Town
Prediction: Draw
Staying in League Two, and two teams that have been in the headlines recently for different reasons.  First up Coventry, who continue to do their financial situation huge favours by refusing to submit their accounts to the league for the third season running, thus ensuring a fine and another transfer embargo.  Fantastic work from all involved with the running of this club!  City are however still fairing well in the league, in 8th place and still within reach of the playoffs.  Back to back away wins sandwiched a home loss, so home form is not everything.  Meanwhile, Swindon are feeling the effects of breaking up with a psychotic girlfriend manager as well known mentalist Paulo Di Canio walked out on the club, broke back in to steal paintings and is now threatening to sue for some reason or another.  Mostly because he's a mentalist.  The team are soaring in the league though, currently in 4th position.  Former Aston Villa coach Kevin MacDonald has just been installed as manager and will be looking to start his reign with a good result.  His brother, Steve from Coronation Street, will be cheering him on.
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 4: Everton vs Reading
Prediction: Away win
This is where it starts to get a bit unlikely.  Everton could close the gap on Arsenal with a win today whilst Reading look almost certainly doooooomed.  Yet The Grambler has picked the underdogs to win this tie at Goodison Park.  Stranger things have happened... In fact, just last week, the Toffees visited Carrow Road where they were surprisingly humbled by Norwich.  But surely David Moyes will not let this happen two weeks in a row?  Goalkeeper Tim Howard could be ruled out through injury which may give Reading hope.  The Royals are second bottom in the Premiership at the moment and look destined to join QPR back in the Championship.  But it was famously a late surge last season that earned Reading their place in the top tier and Brian McDermott will be hoping for more of the same in the last 13 games of this season.  If it helps to include the opinion of two extremely unlikeable twats, Mark Lawrenson says 2-0 to Everton and Piers Morgan goes with the same prediction.  But then remember, Hulk Hogan was better at predicting results than the 'expert' ( I'm not letting that one go, it's my licence fee dammit!)
Odds on this result: 9/1

Game 5: Hearts vs Motherwell
Prediction: Home win
Now we're just being silly... Motherwell, of course, defeated current champions Celtic on Wednesday to become Official Scottish Champions (that's how it works, right?)  Despite an embarrassing 3-0 defeat to Ross County last weekend, the Well bounced back in style to move second in the SPL once again.  European football could be coming to Fir Park yet again, and along with the return of King James of McFadden, things are looking up in Lanarkshire.  Meanwhile, Hearts did what they do best this week - sacked another manager.  John McGlynn, no one really knew how he got the job as manager anyway, walked away with his side comfortably in 11th place and with just two wins in the last ten games.  Vladimir Romanov is understood to be considering appointing fictional Lithuanian Jurgis Rudkus, the protagonist of Upton Sinclair's novel The Jungle, to the post.
Odds on this result: 6/4

As this week's bet is so ridiculous, the odds are massive... 649/1 massive! Being the sensible type that I am, I am only sticking 50p on this coupon (hey, big spender!) to save the pennies for another Grambler.  Should I win, I may go mental at the thought of losing 300 odd quid, but I won't (possibly file under 'famous last words').

Remember to join us on Facebook, where our Italian correspondent Andrea Tinnieto supplies the predictions for The Gramblerzhgi, The Grambler's Series A bambino.

And don't Grambler and drive! 

Week 12 results: The Grambler Dot Com

There is some Grambler news to get out of the way first... I might have kind of maybe accidentally purchased the domain name www.thegrambler.com.  But only because this is such a serious operation and needs to look as profechenal as posabil.  And also, at the current rate at which Hollywood producer types are currently churning out any old crap with a superhero in it for many millions of dollars, it's only so long before some super-human chump is called 'the Grambler.'  And when that happens, I own their website and will only surrender it for $4 million and a cameo as Lieutenant Von Grombler, an evil, bitter and twisted relative of the eponymous hero.

Secondly, there is now some kind of navigation bar at the top of the page.  It is, in fact, a bar which can be used for the purpose of navigation.  For example, should you wish to view the home page, simply click on the page labelled 'home.'  What an age we live in!  Feel free to offer any suggestions of how this wonderful site can be further improved.  Alternatively, don't.

And I wasn't paying much attention, but their may have been some football on over the weekend.

Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Ah, the magic of the FA Cup!  The tournament where any team from any division can go on to be champions!  The cup where smaller teams can showcase their talents!  Or so it is always claimed, the actuality is the Premiership teams fielding their 'youngsters' (still a team assembled expensively by kidnapping 14-year-olds in their sleep), bottom-half League One teams 'resting' their 'star' players, stadiums being half-empty and generally no one actually caring until the semi-finals.  Which brings us to Morecambe vs Rochdale; two teams who had met in the league just weeks before playing out a mediocre score draw in front of 1,800 fans.  Inspiring!  Andy Flemming put the home-side in front early on with a 20 yard shot but for most of the match, Rochdale looked like the hungrier side.  Shrimps goalkeeper Barry Roche was in fine-form, denying the Dale on numerous occasions before Jason Kennedy finally got the better of him, turning in a rebound to earn a replay, meaning the fans will have to shell out another £20 a head to witness the 'magic' of the cup.  But fear ye not, devoted Shrimpdale fans!  The excitement of a trip to Coventry awaits in the next round!  Magic!  

Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Saturday saw Dougie Freedman appear in the Bolton dugout for the first time, and he made it known beforehand that tactics would be changing under him: "El quezo estaba viejo y mohoso.  Donde esta el bano?" said Freedman.  Actually, that was Brendan Fraser in California Man... Freedman has actually said that promotion is still achievable for his new side this term, and a 2-1 win over league leaders Cardiff was a good start for the Dougster.  But it was the BlueRedbirds who looked the better team in the first half.  A Peter Whittingham cross caused confusion in the Bolton box on 40 minutes and allowed the visitors to take the lead.  Following some comical defending from Zat Knight (who I genuinely believe permanently has Julius Fučík's 'Entrance of the Gladiators' constantly playing in his head) the ball fell nicely for Craig Noone to fire past Adam Bogdan.  It was two substitutions in the second-half which turned the game around.  David Ngog only played 25 minutes, but it was rather eventful.  In the 68th minute, Ngog fell over in the box and the referee pointed to the spot.  Fellow substitute Martin Petrov stepped up to score the penalty.  Ngog then put his side in front with a flick from six yards.  And to round of an eventful afternoon, he picked up two yellow cards in seven minutes to earn a hypothetical early bath.

Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw ( x )
I have a theory about Hibernian's Leigh Griffiths; should his hairline ever stop receding, he will stop scoring.  He's like some kind of anti-Samson... The better form he is in, the more his hairline diminishes.  And his fringe moved further from his forehead on Saturday as he notched two against St Mirren.  It was the visitors who had taken the lead when a long drive from Kenny McLean found it's way past Hibs keeper Ben Williams, a man who has put his jail sentence for manslaughter behind him to take the number one jersey.  The lead was only to last five minutes however, a cross found the noggin of James McPake who headed downwards for Griffiths to score his tenth of the season.  Hibs took control of the match in the second half and found themselves in front when Griffiths scored a second, this time with a fine 20 yard shot.  The striker could have increased the lead further, hitting the post twice during the match.  But the one goal lead was enough to take all three points and there was still time for Saints captain Jim Goodwin to get a second booking for doing what he does best - elbowing someone in the face.  And finally, no mention of Leigh Griffiths is complete without linking to the Real Lee Griffiths Blog, one of the finest moments in the history of the internet.     

Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Much of the build-up to this game was dominated by the revelation that Roberto Mancini came close to leaving City last season to join a mid 1990s Peter Hook side-project.  It was old news and Rubbertoe insisted that the revelation would not disrupt he build-up to this match.  But by kick-off, the City players were aware that a win would take them joint top of the table, and it would appear that the pressure got to them as they struggled to a 0-0 draw.  West Ham had the better chances during the game, with a Kevin Nolan volley incorrectly ruled out for offside and a Yossi Benayoun shot striking the bar.  City did manage eight shots on target, but couldn't find the net and Mancini responded to his side's inability to score in one match in a way that only a Manchester City manger can - by demanding that the club's owners spend £50 million on Neymar post haste.  To give the Hammers their due, they proved to be as tough as nails to hold on for the point.  Maybe they can build on this result and construct a fine season.  It would seem that they have the right tools for the challenge.  Sam Allardyce will hope that they don't screw up.  Etc. 

Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Fulham pinched a point in the last minute of a game which was dominated by Everton.  A mistake from Timothy Howard put the home team in front as the keeper pushed a free-kick onto the post only to watch on as it bounced back into the net.  The score stayed that way until the half-time in spite of the Toffees having a host of chances to equalise.  Into the second-half and Everton finally found the net, Marouane Fellaini scoring from eight yards after good work from fellow Belgian Kevin Mirallas.  Fellaini grabbed a second in the 72nd minute with a low shot but the despite the visitor's dominance, they could not hold on for the win.  Substitute Steve Sidwell tapped in at the back post in the final minute of the game to earn a draw.  Interesting fact of the day:  Fellaini's old man was a goalkeeper and signed for Belgian club Mechelen.  However, his former club had a strop about the signing and wouldn't let him play so he just became a bus driver instead.  As you do.  Terrible joke of the day: Why won't Martin Jol buy the 115g packet of Finest Wafer Thin Wiltshire Cured Pig Meat from Tesco?  Because he wants the full ham!

Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
More FA Cup 'magic!'  This tie at least presented a 'glamorous' opponent for non-league Park Avenue and there was a chance for them to indulge in a spot of giant-killing.  Alas, it was not to be as Doncaster had the game all but wrapped up by half-time.  Martin Woods turned in an Ian Hume cross from the edge of the penalty area to put his side in front.  In the 37th minute, Hume turned from provider to scorer when he side-footed in from Billy Paynter's cross.  Bradford started the second-half brightly and managed to pull a goal back when Richard Marshall found the top=corner from a tight angle.  But any chance of a comeback was put to bed in the 76th minute when Paul Keegan's cross surprisingly found R&B singer and wife-beater Chris Brown who headed in.  Whilst the result may have been expected, Bradford PA attempted to give their fellow Yorkshiremen  a run for their money and managed to keep the score respectable.  Everyone returned to their farms happily and ate Yorkshire pudding with gravy whilst discussing their whippets and saying 'ey oop lad' a lot.  Apart from Chris Brown, who went home to a crate of Stella.

Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Another 'glamour tie' between two sides in the same division which ended with an insipid draw.  Both sides had chances to take the lead in the first half but there was no goal forthcoming until the 62nd minute, when York substitute Jamie Reed finished off a Jason Walker move.  With the Minstermen looking to hold on for a win, a free-kick was presented to the Dons in the 80th minute and a deflection from Charlie Strutton's shot beat City keeper Michael Ingham to earn a replay.  The only real talking point to come out of this game is that a victory for Wimbledon in the return leg will see them facing MK Dons in the next round, should the other Dons also win their replay.  This would be the first time that the sides have met since an acrimonious split of fans when the original Krazy Gang relocated to Milton Keynes.  I like to imagine that this resulted in two groups of casuals made up entirely of Wombles, who will be set to rumble on Wimbledon Common prior to a potential tie.  They would finally get to make good use of all of those sharp and pointy objects that everyday people left behind....

Sometimes it is hard to draw positives from The Grambler's poor predictions.  But as the old saying goes, "if life gives you lemons, eat some lemons."  Here are some positives from this week:

• We learned that Marouane Fellaini was conceived on the number 83 bus somewhere between Putkapel and Wijgmaal.  Possibly.
• Craig Levein finally got the sack.
• I have some lemons.

And seeing as there is apparently an election thingy going on somewhere, have a topical quote to finish...

"I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here... “I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.” “I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.” “Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding out both puppets!”"

- Bill Hicks

  

Week 12: It's The (late) Grambler Halloween Spooktacular!

That's right, it's the 31st of October (or at least it was when I started writing this), meaning one thing: the chance to change every player's name in a ridiculously contrived manner so that they sound spooky!

This weekend we have the first round of the FA Cup meaning a lack of League One and Two games.  In Scotland, it's the third round of the Scottish Cup, meaning nothing happening outside of the top league.  So I have decided, what the hell, let's include both cup competitions.  There are always a few shocks and imagine the puns we could include if the draw brings out the Met Police team?  Before we get the pumpkin rolling, here is a topical joke:  

What do you call an annual celebration where children and adults alike disguise themselves as spooky characters or fictional persons, but only ones which are permissible by Islamic law?

Halalween!

(Please note: this is meant to be a play on words and I do not even have an embassy.)

Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win
The ghost of Eric Morecambe can often be seen floating around the foot of the table in League Two.  They are a side surrounded by legendary tales of mythical creatures and even go as far as placing a ghostly-monster-beast in the very centre of the club crest.  They have thrice made it as far as the third round in the FA Cup, most recently in the 2002/03 season, but have yet to better this.  Rochdale, better known by their nickname 'the Dismembered Zombie Corpses', also find themselves haunting League Two after relegation last season.  The blazon on the club's arms reads 'argent a woolpack encircled by two branches of the cotton tree flowered and conjoint proper; a bordure sable charged with eight martlets of the field; and for a crest on a wreath of the colours a mill-rind sable and above a fleece argent banded or.'  Which is pretty damn creepy in itself.  The side were knocked out by Bradford at this stage last year and Captain Peter Cadaver will be keen to lead his side further this time around.
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Terrifying odds on this result: 9/5


Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win
Boo!lton started the season in frighteningly poor form which led to the beheading of Owen Coyle.  Dougie Freedman has come in from Crystal Palace insisting his new side can still manage promotion this season, but his chances of taking the Trotters back to the Premiership looked grim last weekend after a 2-1 defeat at Middlesbrough.  In spite of sitting 18th in the table, Bolton have actually faired well at the Reebok Stadium, with only one loss and three wins at home.  Meanwhile, Cardiff have been terrifying all other teams in the Championship this season and some have even suggested an alliance with Lucifer himself, evident by their change to blood red strips and proud display of the dragon on their badge.  And by some, I mean 'no one.'  A 4-0 win over Burnley last weekend gave them a seventh straight home victory, but their away form has been scaring Bluebirds fans, with three losses on the road this season.  They will be relying upon top scorer Peter Witchingham to provide the tricks and treats.    
Reliability pumpkins: 6/10
Horrific odds on this result: 13/10


Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw
Off to Beaster Road now as second-top meets second-bottom in the SPHelL.  Manager Bat Fenlon has turned his side's fortunes around this season after an 11th place league finish last season.  Hibs are just two points from the top of the table and comfortably won their last league match 4-0 against someone or another, I won't go into details... The Hibees are unbeaten at home this season but have lost three on their travels.  St Mirren, although finding themselves at the wrong end of the table, are only actually three points from 5th place Inverness.  Having lost their last three games, they will be keen to get their season back on track and may be filled with confidence by a penalty win over Aberdeen in their midweek cup fixture.  Their only away win this season was over relegation-fodder Dundee but captain Jim Goblin insists that his side have improved dramatically since last season  
Reliability pumpkins: 3/10
Blood-curdling odds on this result: 23/10


Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win
Or should that be Fred West Ham vs Scary Man-chester City?  The Hammers wos 'ere last week when they were told to beat Wigan but defied my orders.  That loss left them in 9th place in the Premiership but they needn't be too downhearted, as they are only a point away from fellow Londoners Arsenal in 6th place.  Manager Summer of Sam Allardyce (to keep the serial killer theme going) has predicted that Andy Christmas Carroll (hang on, I'm getting my festivities confuddled...) will start to bang in the goals soon, could he start this weekend?  Current Premiership champions City will be hopeful of a win to keep the pressure on leaders Chelsea.  Their city rivals defeated the top team last week to narrow the gap at the top, and both Manchester teams are eyeing up the top-spot like a vampire checking out the necks of some particularly long-necked victims.  Carlos Tevez scored the only goal against Swansea last weekend and boss Rubber toe Mankini will be expecting his forwards to devour goals (and possibly brains) this Saturday.
Reliability pumpkins: 7/10
Tortured odds on this result: 4/6


Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win
And a short trip across the capital brings us to Wes Craven Cottage, home of Fulham.  The Cottagers performed well last season, finishing 9th under the management of Martin Ghoul.  If they can maintain their current form, Fulham could well be challenging for a Europa League spot come the end of the season.  But as is always the case with an in-form side, vultures begin to circle... Captain Brede Hangman-land has been targeted by a mystery 'top six side' and the gaffer may be tempted to cash-in on the defender come January.  Everton are another side currently in fine form.  Traditionally, the Toffee-apples struggle at the start of the season and make a late push resulting in a European spot.  But this season, Moyes and co. have started early with four wins out of nine taking them to fifth place.  Last week saw them draw 2-2 with fierce rivals Liver(and some fava beans with a nice Chianti)pool.  The visitors will benefit from the return of midfielder Steven Pienaarcissisticrampagingkillerghostzombievamppirebeast. 
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Eerie odds on this result: 8/5


Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win
Doncaster were relegated from the Championship last season amidst financial difficulties, with their future looking rather bleak.  But things have brightened up, with the club gaining a 99 year lease on their Keepmoat Stadium and challenging for the top-spot in League One. Rovers boss Dean Saunders says "I'll be treating this game as though it was a league game because we're on a good run of form at the moment" before cackling wildly, pulling a cape across his face and vanishing in a puff of smoke.  Bradford PA (no relation to Magnum PI) currently ply their trade in the Conference North having gained promotion from the West Yorkshire under-12s Subbuteo League last season.  In last seasons first round FA Cup tie, they were thrashed 8-1 by the mighty AFC Totton.  But they do have a strong squad, including U2 bassist Adam Clayton, the Fast and the Furious actor Paul Walker and renowned Cretan lyra player Ross Daly.  None of this is very spooky... Em, wooooooooooo? 
Reliability pumpkins: 8/10
Gruesome odds on this result: 3/10


Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Another apparition in The Grambler for York City, who hail from a town known as being amongst England's most haunted.  Sounds like a job for Derek Pakora!  City sit eleven places ahead of their opponents in the league but have not been too convincing at home.  York manager Gary Mills has this week described the FA Cup as 'magical', whilst rubbing his hands together and salivating at the thought of it.  Expect him to all Gollum should he ever get his hands on the trophy.  Dons manager Neil Ardley (I'm sure there must be a spooky pun in there... 'Ardley alive?  'Ardley breathing?  Something like that.) knows that Wimbledon are the underdogs, describing his team as a 'work in progress.'  Like a Frankenstein or summat.  The Wombles have just two wins away from home this season, but the FA Cup always throws up some minor upsets so who knows?  
Reliability pumpkins: 4/10
Hair-raising odds on this result: 10/3

So there you go.  Too late for Halloween but it didn't stop me forcing as many crap puns in as possible.  Total odds for this week are a ghastly 518/1.

And here is a bonus football related Halloween joke for your enjoyment.  Feel free to use it.

Q: Why did the werewolf fail to gain international recognition, despite finishing the season with a respectable 17 goals in 41 appearances for his club side and being nominated for both the PFA and Football Writers Player of the Year awards?

A: I'm not sure.

Happy (late) Grambleween! 

Week 5: Assignment: Miami Beach

After an entertaining but disastrous international weekend, we get back to business this week with the wonderful world of league football, where it is actually possible to find a match report.

But before we start, here is a football related joke:

Q: Why was Cinderella rubbish at football?

A: Because she had no formal training.  From a young age, her sisters coerced her into doing all of the housekeeping meaning that she never even got the chance to try out for her school football team.  Besides, back in those un-PC days, the school team probably wouldn't have selected a girl.  There was also a lack of interest in the sport on her part; she often heard people making remarks about her 'running away from the ball' and thought to herself "when you put that into context, it really makes no sense as I have no interest and/or involvement in football and/or any other sport."  It wasn't until she found her prince that she took a mild interest in the game, following her new husbands favourite team - Coventry City.  And then the French paparazzi took long distance photo's of her topless...


Game 1: Stevenage vs Crewe
Prediction: Draw
We start our journey this week in Stevenage, a town famous for... being near Junction 7 on the A1? Also, apparently the King of Portugal moved there in the 1840s.  God knows why... Stevenage  made it to the play-offs last season with a 6th place finish and currently inhabit the third spot in the table.  Their three wins so far this season have all come away from home, and they remain unbeaten thanks to two draws in their home matches. Crewe won promotion from League Two last season via the play-offs and have had a strong start to life in League One.  They currently sit four points below Stevenage in League One, but have managed a win away from home suggesting that are capable of picking up points on the road.  One local celebrity is so desperate for his side to avoid defeat that he has promised to hold his breath until they have secured at least a point.  Hopefully Crewe can pick up something from this game so that he can breath again.

Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2

Game 2: Brighton vs Sheffield Wednesday
Prediction: Home win
This week's earliest kick-off, taking place at 7.45 tonight.  Brighton chairman Tony Bloom has ploughed a lot of money into the club over the past couple of seasons in the hope of his side will blossom and find that elusive promotion.  Manager Gus Poyet will hope that his players can keep up their good-form and improve on last season's 10th place finish.  Meanwhile, the media-circus has rolled into Sheffield following the release of restricted papers from the Hillsborough disaster (it turns out the politicians and high ranking police-officers are liars, who would have thunk it?)  Wednesday will be glad to get away from this with a pleasant day-trip to Brighton to visit the Ashdown Forest Llama Park, stroll along the pier and, most importantly, have a kickabout.  The two teams are neck-and-neck in the championship.  Each has two wins and draw to their name but the bonus in our favour is that Brighton are unbeaten at home whilst Wednesday have yet to win away.

Reliability Balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 6/5

Game 3: Colchester vs Doncaster
Prediction: Away win
Back to League One...  It has been a tough start to the season for Colchester... In five games, the have drawn three, just not quite doing enough for the win.  The other two games resulted in losses so they are still searching for that first win of the season.  And on top of that, La Tasca in the town centre is set to close!  The U's sit in the relegation zone just now, not that that means much at this time of the season, and would get a confidence boost from a win tomorrow.  To help them along the way, fictional Irish stereotype John-Joe O'Toole has returned to training.  Doncaster sit higher up the table with wins in 50% of their games this season and a game in hand over their opponents.  But manager Dean Saunders has bemoaned his sides luck with injuries, and claims that he is struggling to scrape a side together.  Striker Chris Brown has three goals in three games, a streak that he will be hopeful of continuing.  Brown also has an... ahem... supplementary job as an aspiring commentator.     

Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/5

Game 4: Inverness vs Aberdeen
Prediction: Home win
Inverness have not had the best start the season, with three draws and zero wins in their opening five fixtures.  In their last match before the international break, they were absolutely pumped at Fir Park putting Motherwell at the top of the SPL (YAAAAAAAAS!).  Terry Butcher has complained about his sides complacent defence, no doubt calling them mince.  He will expect a meaty performance and is willing to steak his reputation on a win.  Beef.  Grandpaw Broon's Aberdeen side are just one win better off and sit two places above Caley Thistle in the league.  Broon is aware of the Inverness threat, saying "they'll tighten up, particularly when it's Aberdeen. Aberdeen would constitute a fairly good scalp for them" whilst sucking on his falsers, lighting a pipe and reminiscing about the good old days.           

Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 2/1

Game 5: Everton vs NewcastlePrediction: Draw
I really do hope this one is correct, not only for the sake of the bet, but also for the sake of my awful fantasy football team.  Preferably a 3-3 draw with hat-tricks for Jelavic and Cisse.  Everton have, for once, decided to start playing well from the start of the season instead of waiting until January.  Two wins in their first three games will have delighted fans, and if they can maintain this form, a finish above their substandard noisy neighbours could once again be on the cards.  Newcastle were a delight to watch last season and ended up as surprise challengers for the final Champions League spot last season and, having kept their team together over the pre-season, many expected them to pick up where they left off last season.  One win and one draw in their opening three has been an average start but they are certainly capable of more.  A draw could be a fair result.

Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5 

Game 6:  Cardiff vs Leeds
Prediction: Draw
Strangely enough, another two sides who are level with the aforementioned Brighton and Sheffield Wednesday, with two wins and a draw in their first four games putting them on seven points.  Since their 3-1 win against Wolves a fortnight ago, Cardiff manager Malky McKay has been full of praise for Craig Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in training.  McKay was also full of praise for David Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in gardening.  Leeds have strengthened their squad further over the past week with the loan signing of Stoke's Michael Tonge who has told the club that he is so good that Neil Warnock will have to hand him a start tomorrow.  I believe he was being Tonge in cheek though...  Neither team is a stranger to The Grambler with both appearing in Week 3, and in that case both predictions were incorrect.  Based on this, I am convinced that a draw is exactly what will happen here... 

Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 5/2

Game 7: Barnsley vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
Our third Championship game of the week, and the one that I'm least confident about... Barnsley have made a modest start to the season with two wins and two losses.  Having finished a lowly 21st in the table last season, manager Keith Hill is one win away from making this season Barnsley's best league start since 1977.  Here's what he had to say on Twitter: "I love bacon. Each morning I sing about my beloved bacon, I even do my bacon ritual. I endeavour to be bacon man. I guess I just love bacon."  I have an inkling that it might be a fake account.  Blackpool are as high as a tower at the top of the league.  Ian Holloway will not want to sea the Tykes rock the boat, and will certainly not give in to pier pressure by changing his starting line up.  But when Blackpool are at their best, it can be a pleasure (beach) to watch.  Barnsley have a 100% home record this season, whilst Blackpool's only loss came away from home as they visited Leicester.  I remain hopeful.  

Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/5

The odds for this bet are the highest received for any Grambler bet thus far; a humongous 2,933/1!!!  I have also put a cheeky trebles bet on this week as three correct predictions seems to represent a good Grambling week.

As the Everton vs Newcastle game takes place on Monday evening, the results shall not be here until sometime on Tuesday.    

Good luck Mr Sheedy!

The Grambler would like to wish Everton academy coach and former player Kevin Sheedy the best of luck in his battle against bowel cancer.  The former midfielder, who played for city rivals Liverpool before making 369 appearances for the Toffees, is due to undergo surgery later this week.

To find out more about this bastarding disease and help the fight against it, visit the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  If you donate to them, I will be your best friend.