Week 32: Teri Hatcher's dead!?

Okay, so the whole horse racing thing didn't work out too well.  After a short trip to the dog food factory, I'm willing to put that all behind us and from now on stick to Buckaroo when I'm in the mood for horsing around.  And so we return to what we know best this week... Football!*  And by 'know best', I clearly mean what we know very little about but Google thankfully fills in the blanks.  

*Although I am tempted to put some money on the French to win the real -life Quidditch World Cup...

A week of Champions League excitement saw Borussia Dortmund leave it late to beat a spunky Malaga side, Galatasaray give Real Madrid a run for their money and an injured Leo Messi still managing to make the difference against PSG, setting up the goal to see them through to the semi-finals.  Another league manager was carelessly tossed onto the scrapheap as Sheffield United parted ways with 1980s Scottish pop-rock group Danny Wilson.  The incredibly unlikeable Neil Warnock has already emerged as a contender for the vacancy.  And the Daily Mail started a campaign to have a minute silence at each weekend game to mark the death of Big Mags Thatcher, apparently oblivious to the fact that a large proportion of the country were less than enamoured to her.  Because obviously any attempt to have a minute silence in the name of Thatcher would end well, wouldn't it?  It's almost as if they want to anger people and have them boo their way through a minute's tribute in order to whip up a frenzy and feed off the outrage...  Oh wait, it's the Daily Mail.  That's exactly what they want.

And on that note, we move onto this weekend's football.  The Tyne-and-Wear derby could be the pick of the Premiership games, although the prospect of Southampton vs West Ham is tremendously exciting... Chelsea and Man City square-off for a place in the FA Cup final whilst in the other semi-final, Wigan and Millwall will compete in a half-empty Wembley...  And in Scotland, Hibs play Falkirk and Dundee United face Celtic for a place in the Scottish Cup Final.  But what does The Grambler have to say about it all?  Well, this:

Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs Sunderland - Home win - 19/20

Stevenage vs Yeovil - Draw - 12/5

Dag & Red vs Oxford Utd - Home win - 6/5

Leeds vs Sheff Wed - Away win - 21/10

Wolves vs Huddersfield - Home win - 11/10

50p @ 94/1

Three game accumulator from the Premiership and FA Cup

Game - Result - Odds

Stoke vs Man Utd - Away win - 4/7

Chelsea vs Man City - Home win* - 21/10

Southampton vs West Ham - Home win - 17/20

£1 @ 8/1

*Obviously not actually a home game.  Result is after 90 minutes.

Three player any-time goalscorer accumulator

Player - Game - Odds

Theo Walcott - Arsenal vs Norwich - 10/11

Wayne Rooney - Stoke vs Man Utd - 6/4

Christian Benteke - Aston Villa vs Fulham - 11/10

50p @ 8/1

And that's yer lot for today.  In the unlikely scenario that all predictions are correct, we will be handing over a whopping £54 to the Bobby Moore Fund.  In the more likely scenario that none are correct, we will be handing over a pitiful £0.  

Don't drink and Gramble.

Week 28: All hail Pope Franny Jeffers the First!

Ah, the excitement of Grambling!  Or it is slightly more exciting anyway, thanks to the New! Improved flavour! Grambler.  Last weekend saw us reach half past 5 in the afternoon with two bets still in with a chance of winning...  That,s right, TWO BETS!!! And in a somewhat strange twist of events... One of them actually won!  Granted, it was only £4.50 (damn you Edin Dzeko, you were supposed to score!) but every little helps as we attempt to bring down the bastarding super-villain better known as El Cancero.  With that win, The Grambler (with help from The Grasmblerzhgi) has raised £88.53 for the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Hooray!

It makes sense to stick the format which brought mild success last week so we have a further three bets to enjoy this weekend.  If you don't want to know the full-time scores, look away now:

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Celtic vs Aberdeen - Home win - 1/4

Annan vs Clyde - Home win - 4/5

Coventry vs Hartlepool - Home win - 8/11

MK Dons vs Tranmere - Draw - 9/4

Forfar vs Stenhousemuir - Away win - 23/10

50p @ 41/1

"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes..."   So sang William Hague, or some other person; I'm not really sure.  Such is the excitement of this week's opening bet.  Can ya feel it!?  No?  Ok , it is slightly dull and for some reason, Coventry keep appearing - perhaps taking all of their turns whilst the club still exists?  There is a potential slip-up for SPL leaders Celtic as Aberdeen travel South... Annan vs Clyde sounds more like a case being dragged through the civil law courts...  Tranmere will still be hopeful of topping League One and a win in Milton Keynes could move them to second spot...  And Stenhousemuir are just not going to beat Forfar but will enjoy the trip and have the chance to stop for some bridies on the way home.

Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9

Aston Villa vs QPR - Draw - 12/5

Man Utd vs Reading - Home win - 1/7

£1 @ 4.6/1

In this weekend's actually interesting bet, the odds are low but the chances of winning are (hopefully) high.  We start at White Hart Lane where Spurs take on Fulham.  Spurs are one of the top teams on form in the Premiership right now but a loss to Liverpool last weekend prevented them from cementing their stranglehold on third place.  Speaking of form, Aston Villa are a bit crap.  The gamble of bringing in Paul Lambert as manager has not quite paid off, but the fans don't mind because he's not Alex McLeish.  Speaking of managers, QPR's Harry Redknapp... Actually, I'm not going to bother.  In other QPR news, on-loan Spurs winger Andros Townsend this week admitted that he's not Gareth Bale, ending month's of speculation.  And a formality to round things off as champions-elect Man Utd take on managerless relegation-fodder Reading.  And according to one journalist, Brian McDermott got the sack because owner Anton Zingarevic didn't find him sexy enough.  Paulo di Canio seems to have emerged as a frontrunner for the vacancy; a folk- hero loved by the people for his crazy antics.  Like being a horrible, violent, self-professed fascist.  Ah crazy Paulo, what will he do next?

Bet 3: Three goalscorer 'anytime' accumulator

Scorer - Game - Odds

Wayne Rooney - Man Utd vs Reading - 1/2

Santi Cazorla - Swansea vs Arsenal - 9/4

Shane Long - Stoke vs West Brom - 9/4

50p @ 15/1

This week's 'anytime goalscorer' bet kicks off with a man who has been in the news a lot recently.  Sir Alex Ferguson this week assured the fans that Wayne Rooney would not be sold at the end of the season, which in Sir's terms generally means he's going to sell him at the end of the season.  Rooney is getting slower, fatter, balder and uglier (wasn't that a Daft Punk song?), but PSG have been linked with a big-money move for the man who can still score plenty of goals.  Santi Cazorla has been one of the brighter points of Arsenal's season as they have crashed out of competition after competition.  Following their narrow failure to survive in the Champions League this week, Arsene Wenger will be expecting a positive reaction.  Can Cazorla assist with a goal?  All signs point to maybe... And finally, Shane Long has already provided West Brom with a respectable six goals this season.  But unfortunately for him, the only reason anyone remembers his name is because he has partenered Simon Cox for club and country.  Making a strike duo of Long - Cox.  Fnar fnar!

A humongous total of £50 is up for grabs this week as The Grambler promises all of the excitement of an episode of Fun House, but without the fun house.  Or the mullet.  Or the go-karts.  Or the twins.  Or the chance to win a fleece.  There is actually very little by way of comparison now that I think about it...