Week 3 (or should that be 7?): I’m new to this – be gentle

You may have been wondering why there has been nothing from The Grambler over the past few weeks.  The reason for this is that the originator of The Grambler, and lifelong Motherwell supporter, Stewart Smith, died on 29^th August.  Two years after being diagnosed as having bowel cancer and having come back from the brink on numerous occasions he could fight no more.  He was 28 years old.  No age at all really.  And still 27 years younger than the point the government see as being the age at which screening for bowel cancer is considered important.  Stewart always wanted to raise awareness about bowel cancer in younger people.  Even teenagers can develop bowel cancer (see www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/never-too-young for further information).

 

He wanted The Grambler to continue after his death and I am happy to keep it going.  Okay, we Gramblers may not win a fortune, but we can continue to tell the world about this horrible, horrible disease called bowel cancer.  We can still contribute, and tell all our friends to contribute, to the Bobby Moore Fund(bobbymoorefund.cancerresearchuk.org) which is working hard to promote awareness of bowel cancer in younger people and helps fund research.

 

If you read Stewart’s last but one post you would have had some difficulty believing that is was written by someone with only a little over a week to live.  His last post was a different matter; he was determined to make a post but could barely summon enough strength to put those few words together.  And it shows.  Just be proud that Stewart, right to the end, wanted to contribute to his pet project The Grambler.

 

So now, let’s get ready to Gramble!

 

Saturday, 21^st September 2013

 

Right all you Gramblers as I have pointed out I am new to this game so don’t expect the brilliant inciteful comments of old, or the puntastic gags.  I have only just put my feet under the desk and am still trying to figure out the tea making facilities around here.  Just giving the bald facts relating to this week’s Gramble is all I can manage thank you.

 

First of all the five games which make up our bet –

 

Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game – Result – Odds

 

Norwich vs Aston Villa – Draw – 9/4

What can I say about this fixture?  Erm… both these teams are lucky to still be in the Premiership.  At the end of last season both were struggling away in the lower reaches of the table.  They met three times last season – twice in the league and once in the League Cup quarter final.  Surprisingly, Aston Villa were the better team overall with two wins and a draw.  Since Aston Villa had such a crap season against just about every other team, these performances against Norwich might just have been Aston Villa's manager (and ex Norwich manager) Paul Lambert trying to show the Norwich faithful that he had moved to a better side (yeah, right). Given that they are both struggling again this year (Norwich sitting in 15^th place and Aston Villa in 17^th) a draw here might be a reasonable bet.

Incidentally, it seems that Aston Villa striker Gabriel Agbonlahor obviously doesn’t think much of One Direction (swoon swoon), having put in a seriously nasty challenge on Louis Tomlinson (apparently a member of One Direction who isn’t Harry Stiles) in a recent charity match.  He obviously doesn’t think much of people who make pots of money for doing so little and Agbonlahor thinks the same.

Oh, another thing… Norwich have signed a Dutch striker called Ricky van Wolfswinkel.  Yeah.  I know.  Cracking name.  Fnarr fnarr.

Motherwell link – Norwich keeper John Ruddy and Aston Villa manager Paul Lambert are both ex Motherwell players.

 

 

Brighton and Hove Albion vs Bolton Wanderers – Away – 3/1

Our second fixture takes us to the Seagulls’ Falmer Stadium – named after a small village between Lewes and Brighton and definitely not named after the maker of unfashionable men’s trousers – where they meet the Trotters.  Four out of six points from last season’s meetings between these two clubs went to Bolton.  So that would suggest that the Grambler had the prediction spot on.  But wait, Bolton can’t buy a win so far this season managing only three points from three draws and after seven games are propping up the table.  Brighton have at least got a couple wins to boast of.  So, for the Grambler’s sake – Come on the Seagulls!  Not very convincing is it?

 

Portsmouth vs Fleetwood – Draw – 12/5

Our third fixture takes us to Fratton Park, home of the Pompey faithful – and if there are any fans left they must be incredibly faithful.  Since 2010 Portsmouth have plummeted from the Premiership down to Division 2 (or Division 4 in reality).  Currently they sit in the bottom half at number 13; surely the Conference League beckons.  Visitors today are Fleetwood Town no doubt with the Cod Army in tow.  Fleetwood have started the season off well and currently sit at number 3.  All of which suggests that the Grambler has cocked it up again – but hey, this is all about random gambling so, who knows?

 

Aberdeen vs Inverness Caledonian Thistle – Draw – 5/2

Our number four game takes us over the border – way, way over the border to the Dons’ Pittodrie in the north east of Scotland.  Until Ross County joined Caley in the top flight last season this was as close to a local derby match that the Invernusians managed, even though the two places are 83 miles apart.  Ex Motherwell management team of Terry Butcher and Maurice Malpas have got Caley riding high at the top of the league – ahead of even Motherwell and some other outfit.  Oh yes, Celtic.  They remain unbeaten, only dropping two points with a draw at Celtic Park.  Aberdeen are doing okay as well, sitting at number 4.  The last two meetings between the teams went the way of the home team on both occasions; perhaps the Grambler is not so far wrong with the prediction of a draw.

Motherwell link – As well as Tel and Mo, ex Motherwell players are in both squads.  Inverness have playmaker and goal-machine Richie Foran and Aberdeen have defender Mark Reynolds.

 

Queen’s Park vs Elgin – Away – 6/4

The final game of our quintet takes us to the home of Scottish football – Hampden.  Well, Lesser Hampden which is where the Spiders play out of.  Visitors today are Elgin City who have the rather dull nickname of the Black and Whites.  I wonder what gave them the idea for that one.  Both teams have got off to a shaky (crap) start.  Elgin sit in second bottom place with 5 points and the poor old Spiders are in bottom spot with (whisper it) no points. The Grambler reckons they will still be on ‘null points’ after this encounter.  I don’t think I disagree.

 

Betting odds

If the Grambler has got everything spot on and the 5 game accumulator pays out the odds are – fanfare – 386/1.  Woo hoo!

 

Okay, I don’t think it will happen so I have done a cowardly thing and also put 10 doubles on the same games.  Yeah, what a copout.  Still it might bring some pennies for the Bobby Moore Fund.  And isn’t that what it’s all about.

 

Happy Grambling.

Week 34: Gramblersaurus, raaaaaaaaaawwwwwr!

This week, one rather peckish fellow has dominated the footballing headlines as Luis Suarez decided that it was a good idea to have a mid-game snack consisting of Branislav Ivanovic's forearm.  Strangely, the FA felt that this feast did not quite adhere to the rules of the game and promptly whipped out a ten match ban for the Liverpool based cannibal.  Absolutely everyone has had an opinion on this episode, including our glorious leader David Cameron who is worried about the example that Suarez's behaviour is setting for our children.  It's almost as good an example as taking your offspring to the pub and then leaving them there, eh Davey?

Elsewhere, coupons across Europe were busted as every armchair fan's former favourites Barcelona and Real Madrid were soundly beaten by every armchair fan's new favourites Bayern Munich and Borrussia Dortmund respectively.  The first leg results from the Champions League semi-final would suggest we may be looking forward to an all-German final at Wembley come May but the Spanish giants could have an element of bouncebackability in the return legs.  Sadly for Dortmund, it looks like their team will be ripped apart by the richer vultures of European football over the summer meaning that they will be unable to build upon this season's success.  Munich are unlikely to be disappointed by this seeing as they were first in on the act, with the capture of Dortmund's £30 million striker Mario Götze.

And in the Europa League... Who am I kidding, no one cares.

Two bets for you this week; the traditionally useless 5 game accumulator and the always so close but no cigar Premiership accumulator.  I have ditched the goalscorer bet as it is flawed in so many ways.  If anyone would like to suggest an alternative bet to take it's place, feel free.  I was thinking of something along the lines of a £1 bet on what Neil Lennon will cry about this weekend...

Five game all-league accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
Everton vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9
Wolves vs Burnley - Home win - 5/4
Hibs vs St Mirren - Away win - 21/10
Shrewsbury vs Portsmouth - Home win - 6/4
Chelsea vs Swansea - Home win - 1/3
£1 @ 33/1

At first glance, that is not too ridiculous a bet.  Two Premiership games in which The Grambler has selected the home sides and favourites to win.  In both cases, they could be considered must win games with a Europa League place up for grabs for Everton and third place within Chelsea's grasp.  In the Championship, Wolves are desperately trying to claw their way out of the relegation zone and this is their last home game of the campaign so again I get to use the very much overused phrase 'must win.'  Portsmouth have had a good week by their standards, having emerged from administration, agreed a fan's takeover and appointed Guy Whittingham as boss.  But Pompey are already relegated and with little to play for, along with Shrewsbury's recent good form, defeat may be likely.  And in the SPL, two teams who have had mixed seasons meet at Easter Road.  Home-side Hibs are due to play Celtic in the Scottish Cup final in May but find themselves 9th in the league.  St Mirren won the League Cup in March but are second bottom of the SPL.  Both teams evidently have moments of good play but can also be very poor so this game could go either way.


Three game Premiership accumulator 
Game - Result - Odds
Newcastle vs Liverpool - Home win - 15/8
Man City vs West Ham - Home win - 1/4
Aston Villa vs Sunderland - Home win - 5/4
£1 @ 7/1

In what looks like a fix, it's all home wins in this week's Premiership bet.  But home advantage is not everything, otherwise this betting lark would be a whole lot easier.  Newcastle set a high standard last season, playing some decent football and surpassing everyone's expectations with a 5th place finish.  However, Alan Pardew's side have struggled replicate their form this season and despite the odd good result, have been dragged into the relegation fight.  Liverpool are another team who have failed to live up to expectations.  Currently 7th in the league and now without suspended leading scorer and aforementioned bitey-person Luis Suarez, they may struggle to finish the campaign on a high note.  Manchester City have just handed the Premiership trophy back to their rivals from across the City and the talk of which multi-million pound signings they will be making this pre-season has begun.  Second place is pretty much safe for City but speculation surrounds the future of many players who will surely be keen to prove that they are worthy of another season at the club.  West Ham have had a better season than many would have expected and are currently 10th having gone 5 games unbeaten.  They also had a nice bonus recently after it was confirmed that the taxpayers of this country, allegedly a bit skint and in a double-dip recession, are buying them a new stadium.  Which is nice of us all!  Aston Villa and Sunderland square up in a relegation dogfight (why is it always dogs?  Why not giraffes?), with the home side having suffered yet another poor season.  At least they didn't do so with Alex McLeish at the helm this time though.  Meanwhile, Sunderland fans have already forgotten that their new manager is a horrible fascist after he won a few games, including thrashing much-hated rivals Newcastle on their own patch.  How fickle football fans can be!  Should he keep up the good start, the Black Cats could well be safe come the end of the weekend.  

An agreeable sum of £40 is on offer this week should The Grambler correctly predict all eight results.  As always, any winnings shall go to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Should you wish to play along at home, press the red button now......

Week 28: All hail Pope Franny Jeffers the First!

Ah, the excitement of Grambling!  Or it is slightly more exciting anyway, thanks to the New! Improved flavour! Grambler.  Last weekend saw us reach half past 5 in the afternoon with two bets still in with a chance of winning...  That,s right, TWO BETS!!! And in a somewhat strange twist of events... One of them actually won!  Granted, it was only £4.50 (damn you Edin Dzeko, you were supposed to score!) but every little helps as we attempt to bring down the bastarding super-villain better known as El Cancero.  With that win, The Grambler (with help from The Grasmblerzhgi) has raised £88.53 for the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Hooray!

It makes sense to stick the format which brought mild success last week so we have a further three bets to enjoy this weekend.  If you don't want to know the full-time scores, look away now:

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Celtic vs Aberdeen - Home win - 1/4

Annan vs Clyde - Home win - 4/5

Coventry vs Hartlepool - Home win - 8/11

MK Dons vs Tranmere - Draw - 9/4

Forfar vs Stenhousemuir - Away win - 23/10

50p @ 41/1

"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes..."   So sang William Hague, or some other person; I'm not really sure.  Such is the excitement of this week's opening bet.  Can ya feel it!?  No?  Ok , it is slightly dull and for some reason, Coventry keep appearing - perhaps taking all of their turns whilst the club still exists?  There is a potential slip-up for SPL leaders Celtic as Aberdeen travel South... Annan vs Clyde sounds more like a case being dragged through the civil law courts...  Tranmere will still be hopeful of topping League One and a win in Milton Keynes could move them to second spot...  And Stenhousemuir are just not going to beat Forfar but will enjoy the trip and have the chance to stop for some bridies on the way home.

Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9

Aston Villa vs QPR - Draw - 12/5

Man Utd vs Reading - Home win - 1/7

£1 @ 4.6/1

In this weekend's actually interesting bet, the odds are low but the chances of winning are (hopefully) high.  We start at White Hart Lane where Spurs take on Fulham.  Spurs are one of the top teams on form in the Premiership right now but a loss to Liverpool last weekend prevented them from cementing their stranglehold on third place.  Speaking of form, Aston Villa are a bit crap.  The gamble of bringing in Paul Lambert as manager has not quite paid off, but the fans don't mind because he's not Alex McLeish.  Speaking of managers, QPR's Harry Redknapp... Actually, I'm not going to bother.  In other QPR news, on-loan Spurs winger Andros Townsend this week admitted that he's not Gareth Bale, ending month's of speculation.  And a formality to round things off as champions-elect Man Utd take on managerless relegation-fodder Reading.  And according to one journalist, Brian McDermott got the sack because owner Anton Zingarevic didn't find him sexy enough.  Paulo di Canio seems to have emerged as a frontrunner for the vacancy; a folk- hero loved by the people for his crazy antics.  Like being a horrible, violent, self-professed fascist.  Ah crazy Paulo, what will he do next?

Bet 3: Three goalscorer 'anytime' accumulator

Scorer - Game - Odds

Wayne Rooney - Man Utd vs Reading - 1/2

Santi Cazorla - Swansea vs Arsenal - 9/4

Shane Long - Stoke vs West Brom - 9/4

50p @ 15/1

This week's 'anytime goalscorer' bet kicks off with a man who has been in the news a lot recently.  Sir Alex Ferguson this week assured the fans that Wayne Rooney would not be sold at the end of the season, which in Sir's terms generally means he's going to sell him at the end of the season.  Rooney is getting slower, fatter, balder and uglier (wasn't that a Daft Punk song?), but PSG have been linked with a big-money move for the man who can still score plenty of goals.  Santi Cazorla has been one of the brighter points of Arsenal's season as they have crashed out of competition after competition.  Following their narrow failure to survive in the Champions League this week, Arsene Wenger will be expecting a positive reaction.  Can Cazorla assist with a goal?  All signs point to maybe... And finally, Shane Long has already provided West Brom with a respectable six goals this season.  But unfortunately for him, the only reason anyone remembers his name is because he has partenered Simon Cox for club and country.  Making a strike duo of Long - Cox.  Fnar fnar!

A humongous total of £50 is up for grabs this week as The Grambler promises all of the excitement of an episode of Fun House, but without the fun house.  Or the mullet.  Or the go-karts.  Or the twins.  Or the chance to win a fleece.  There is actually very little by way of comparison now that I think about it...

Week 15 Results: With 100% added lost bet!

This week I have learned that 100% more bets is not equal to 100% more wins.  I have also learned that Chelsea fans hold grudges if you belittle their plastic flags and are rather fickle when it comes to the sacking and appointment (and subsequent sacking) of managers.  In order to avoid alienating them thus causing a backlash against The Grambler, I'd better not mention their piss-poor plastic flags and pathetic treatment of Rafa Benitez on his début...

With an accuracy rate of just 40% for both bets, my prophecy of a at least one win this weekend went unfulfilled.  Speaking of prophecies, there are only 25 days to go until the end of the world!  (And I still haven't put up that damned towel-rail...)  This also means that we only have three more sessions of Grambling left to win that vast fortune which was predicted by our forefathers.  Although, we are all going to be dead by Christmas anyway so it doesn't really matter too much.    

Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Bolton Wanderers
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Just out of interest, is a bright-on what a light bulb gets when it is aroused?  Okay, enough filament related filth... This prediction came oh-so-close to being a reality.  And I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for that meddling David Ngog!  The Seagulls dominated the first half and could easily have had the points sealed by the break.  In the 14th minute, Craig Mackail-Smith raced into the box and crossed only for the ball to be blocked by the hand of Darren Pratley.  The referee awarded a penalty but Brighton's Ashley Barnes failed to convert, with Bolton's Adam Bogdan making the save.  Did I mention that Bogdan is Ron Weasely?  Because he is.  Andrea Orlandi and Dean Hammond both saw their attempts on goal hit Bogdan's crossbar in the first half and the game remained goalless at the break.  In the second-half, Smith became the third luckless Brighton player to strike the bar but his team soon took the lead; an Orlandi freekick was cleared to the edge of the box where it found Bruno Saltor, who struck the ball into the bottom corner.  Wanderers created few chances but Tomasz Kuszczak had to be alert to save from Jacob Butterfield.  However, it was just not to be Albion's day.  In the sixth minute of stoppage time and with the very last kick of the ball, Ngog struck to claim a point and extend manager Dougie Freedman's (and Bolton's) unbeaten run to five games.

Game 2: Swansea City vs Liverpool
Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )
Brendan Rodgers's lauded return to Swansea failed to live up to the hype as the match ended in a somewhat drab goalless draw.  The Reds looked to be the better team from the offset and came close to leading when Raheem Sterling's sterling volley struck the crossbar.  Minutes later, Liverpool had the ball in the back of the net via Luis Enrique's back-post shot, but the linesman was having none of it, flagging for offside much to the annoyance of popular Liverpudlian entertainer Cilla Black.  Probably.  Swansea boss Michael Laudrup changed tactics at half-time and introduced Ki Sung-yeung and the gamble appeared to pay-off with City enjoying a strong period after the break.  Cap'n Ashley Williams headed a powerful shot on goal from a corner only to see his former Swansea team-mate Joe Allen clear from the line.  Swansea had the chance to take the lead in the dying moments of the match when Allen brought down Ki on the edge of the box, but Pepe Reina saved a fierce shot from Swans winger and most Spanish sounding Spanish-man in the history of Spanish-men Pablo Hernández Domínguez.  Reports that he was wearing a sombrero and eating paella at the time have yet to be confirmed. 

Game 3: East Fife vs Arbroath
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Billy Brown watched his East Fife win at home for the first time in a hard-fought win at the New Bayview Stadium.  The match started brightly when Arbroath's player/manager/tea-lady Paul Sheerin hit a long-range effort forcing Fifers keeper Calum Antel into a fine save in just the 2nd minute.  One minute later and the action was at the other end of the pitch, where Scott McBride struck the post with a shot from the edge of the area.  Ten minutes later, East Fife opened the scoring; the lively Bobby Barr crossed from the left-wing for Sean Jamieson to score his first goal of the season.  But the visitors were to pull level close to the break when a Steven Doris shot deflected off his team-mate Paul Currie and into the net.  The Fifers took just two minutes to restore their lead after the interval, via another long-range effort from McBride.  The midfielder tried his luck from 25 yards and was rewarded with a cracking goal.  Currie was to come close to equalising once again but his strike bounced off the crossbar.   Brown said of the match “ni povus estis kvar aŭ kvin ĝis la paŭzo kaj mi estis vere feliĉaj per niaj deziro tie" demonstrating both his pleasure at his sides desire and his fluency in Esperanto.

Game 4: Barnsley vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Cardiff moved top of the table following a win at Barnsley coupled with Crystal Palace's defeat in Leeds.  The bluebirds took the lead in the 22nd minute when teenager Ben Nugent marked his first league start with a goal.  Peter Whittingham provided the assist via a corner and the defender headed home.  Stephen Dawson and Marcus Tudgay both squandered chances for the home-side before half-time and six minutes after the break, the visitors doubled their lead.  Aron Gunnarsson found himself unmarked at the back-post and headed in from another Whittingham corner.  The Tykes were given some hope when Jacob Mellis slotted home in the 71st minute and were even presented with a one-man advantage as Cardiff débutant Simon Lappin received a second yellow card.  However, they failed to make the most of their chances and have now taken just two points from their last seven games.  Oddly enough, this was Cardiff's first victory wearing their traditional blue shirts this season.  Following the furore surrounding the business-minded switch to red in the summer, City have only worn blue as a change strip but amidst poor away form, they had yet to win in their 'old' colours.  So... ahem... Despite their fans originally getting shirty about it, the team have been red-hot in their new colours but have given fans the blues in their traditional strips.  Please hold your applause until the end!  

Game 5: Aston Villa vs Arsenal
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Well this was a bit of a damp squib.  Incidentally, does anyone actually know what a squib is?  According to the Oxford English Dictionary (and by proxy, Susie Dent) a squib is 'a small firework that burns with a hissing sound before exploding.'  You cannot say that The Grambler does not educate!  The only talking point from the first half was Villa's Andreas Weimann having a shot ruled-out for offside.  And in spite of what his name may suggest, Weimann is actually 6ft 2in...  The second half had more action with Aaron Ramsey coming close for the Gunners whilst at the other end Brett Holman forced the constenant-friendly Arsenal keeper Szczesny into a fine save.  The point earned helped to move the Villains out of the relegation zone but for Arsenal, it was a missed chance to overtake fifth-placed Everton.  Speaking after the match, Arsene Wenger said "we played with three strikers, but that doesn't mean you score goals.  We are a very offensive team."  Meanwhile, Arsenal strikers Santa Cazorla, Lukas Podolski and Olivier Giroud lurked in the background making mildly rude hand gestures and vociferating various synonyms for both male and female genitalia.

And here's how that SUPER MAGNIFICENT BONUS BET went:

Game: Both teams to score?, Odds
Miton Keynes Dons vs Colchester United: Yes, 10/11 ( ✔ )
Brechin City vs Forfar athletic: No, 7/4 ( x )
Charlton Athletic vs Huddersfield Town: No, 11/10 ( x )
Tottenham Hotspur vs West Ham: No, 11/10 ( x )
Everton vs Norwich City: Yes, 4/6 ( ✔ )

Hmm, not too well it would appear.  It was worth a shot.  This segment may return fleetingly where I can be bothered.    

Overall, I shall be marking this week down as 'could try harder.'  Perhaps next time will be the one.  Or the one after that.  Or the one after that.  And then we are all dead.  But it's best not to worry about that for now....

"After all, tomorrow is another day."

- Margaret Mitchell
(or Suggs) 

Week 15: With 100% added bet!

It's been a sacktastic week in football as Roberto Di Matteo pipped Mark Hughes to become the first Premiership P45-recipient of the season.  Steve Rafa Benitez has already taken over at Chelsea in a move that has both SHOCKED and SURPRISED the footballing world.  And ol' stroke-features himself Harry Redknapp the Loveable Tax-Evader looks set to take the job at QPR.  Will these managerial changes make a difference?  Doesn't matter to me, whatever The Grambler says goes around these parts. 
  
I'm warning you now, we have a terrible bet this week.  I normally try to be as optimistic as possible regardless of the outcome, but it seems like The Grambler has just gone out of his/her/its way to be awkward this week and picked a set of results that are just not going to happen.  For that reason, I have provided a bonus bet at the end; one that can't possibly go wrong!  Unless of course it goes wrong...  As it inevitably will...  In which case it can go wrong...

Read on, my good man/woman/person!

Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Bolton Wanderers
Prediction: Home win
Sports teams are often associated with birds for a reason; they are graceful creatures which soar through the sky freely and can be mastered by no man.  In the world of basketball, you can find the Atlanta Hawks, named for a fierce creature known to tear apart it's prey.  In Rugby Union, the Newcastle Falcons, named for a bird known for its speed and razor-sharp talons.  And then in football, you can find Brighton: The Seagulls, known for being a disease-ridden nuisance that jobby on people's heads from a great height.  It is little surprise that they are not the most feared in the Championship.  But Brighton have been hanging around the top of the division for a number of seasons and currently find themselves 7th.  Some good wins this year have been offset by a few too many draws, but they are only twice defeated at home.  And whilst over-analysing animalistic nicknames, we have Bolton... In the Championship alone, you can find Lions, Wolves and Tigers.  And then you have the mighty... Trotters.  Invoking images of pigs waddling around a sty in their own faeces.  Fearsome!  Since Dougie Freedman's arrival as manager, Bolton have gone unbeaten but have drawn 75% of games under his rule.  There is huge potential for a draw here but I reckon the home-side might just win it.    
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 2: Swansea City vs Liverpool
Prediction: Draw
From Seagulls to Swans; the swan being a far more graceful bird and City have been one of the most graceful teams to, erm... grace the premiership in recent seasons.  Michael Laudrup's Swansea have carried over their good-form from last year's surprisingly good Premiership début and the team currently sit 10th in the league following a fine 2-1 victory over Newcastle last weekend.  Cap'n Ashley Williams has caused controversy this week with the well timed release of his book (seriously, does every footballer just automatically get a book deal these days?  Does anyone even know who Ashley Williams is?) featuring comments about wanting to 'knock-out' Luis Saurez for his diving.  Please do, Ashley.  Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers was dismissive of these jibes: "He's a good lad. Maybe it was something he didn't mean to get out there."  Yeah, because of course, if you didn't mean to get quotes out there, you would put them in a book...Liverpool will be looking to bounce back from a disappointing midweek draw against a bunch of young boys and could leapfrog their opponents in the Premiership table with a victory.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2


Game 3: East Fife vs Arbroath
Prediction: Home win
East Fife have not had the ideal start to the season.  Having been rooted to the bottom of the Second Division since the start of the season, they took just two points from the first eight games and endured a painful 5-1 defeat at Elgin.  Meanwhile, manager Gordon Durie had to take leave due to illness, leaving them manager-less.  Fortunately for East Fife, the appointment of Billy Brown earlier this month has brought some stability to the club and a 3-0 win over Albion Rovers last week has lifted them out of the relegation zone.  Unfortunately for East Fife, Bob Malcolm plays for them.  Arbroath are seven points ahead of their opponents in the league and have been in good form at home, winning four of six.  However, their away form has not been so good, with only one win in six attempts.   Arbroath have not lost a match to the Fifers since March 2010 and the teams have drawn three times in six ties since then.  Also, what do you call a pirates favourite football team?  Arrrrrrrbroath!
Reliability balls:
Odds on this result: 6/4


Game 4: Barnsley vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Draw
Or alternatively, Barrrrrrrrrrnsley!  The Tykes play host to second-placed Cardiff this weekend as they bid to move away from the relegation zone to the comfort of mid-table mediocrity.  Barnsley have played eight home games already this season, winning two, drawing three and losing three.  They have only managed to score six goals in their ties at Oakwell so do not expect a high-scoring game.  Débuts could be offered to their three new loan signings Emile Sinclair, Jonathan Greening and Akos Buzsaky. Cardiff are challenging for the top-spot and the chance to become the second Welsh team in the Premiership.  They currently sit two points from top side Crystal Palace and are looking for a third win in a row.  At home, City have a 100% record, but they appear to be complacent on the road and have amassed five losses away from home.  The Bluebirds (there is a real 'bird' thing going on this week) signed Norwich defender Simon Lappin on loan midweek and he could start tomorrow.  Interesting aside: Lappin takes his name from the French phrase "si mon lapin" translating as "if my rabbit."  Probably. 
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 12/5 


Game 5: Aston Villa vs Arsenal
Prediction: Home win
Struggling Aston Villa take on underachieving Arsenal in a game that the media have dubbed 'the Battle of the Only Two Teams in the Premiership Whose Names Begin With the Letter A.'  Possibly.  Villa currently inhabit a spot in the relegation zone thanks to their faltering start to the season.  They have only won a single game at home this season, against Swansea back in September.  Manager Paul Lambert will be serving a one-match dugout suspension so expect him to be sitting in the stands duetting with some X-Factor reject girl singing this song.  Meanwhile, Arsenal have not been having a bad season but fans will be disappointed to look at the table and see both West Brom and Everton above them.  The Gunners secured passage to the next stage of the Champions League with a 2-0 victory over Montpellier on Wednesday and Arsene Wenger will expect another victory here.  There has also been good news for fans of the Arse' this week as the team agreed a sponsorship deal worth £150 million.  With that kind of money at his disposal, expect Wenger to dig deep in January to unearth the next Carl Jenkinson.
Reliability balls: 3/10
Odds on this result: 4/1

The total odds for this week's Gramblings are 312/1.  Not going to happen, is it?

Hence why I have decided to include the GRAMBLER SUPER BONUS BET!  Last week, I placed a bet for myself using the 'both teams to score' market.  Tis pretty straight forward; the question is will both teams score?  The answer is either YES! (in which case both teams score) or NO! (in which case either one team won't score or both teams won't score).  Anyhow, I won some money on this and thought "hmm, this could be Grambled up a bit!"  As their are two outcomes rather than three, it could provide more chance of winning so it's worth a bash!  Five games, a 50p bet, no jibberish.... And we get:

Game: Both teams to score?, Odds
Miton Keynes Dons vs Colchester United: Yes, 10/11
Brechin City vs Forfar athletic: No, 7/4
Charlton Athletic vs Huddersfield Town: No, 11/10
Tottenham Hotspur vs West Ham: No, 11/10
Everton vs Norwich City: Yes, 4/6

Total odds on the GRAMBLER SUPER BONUS BET are 39/1.

Will the main bet shock us all and come good?  Will the bonus bet be the saviour of The Grambler?  Will Captain  Delbert Gugliuzza be able to disarm the bomb whilst simultaneously evacuating all of the orphans from the building?  Tune in on Monday (or Tuesday) to find out!

Week 7 results: My dog has no nose!

"How does it smell?"

"Like despair, defeat, crushing failure after crushing failure... Much like The Grambler.  Also, a little bit oniony."

Another week, another missed opportunity to cure bowel cancer via the awesome power of Grambling.  Odds were down on previous weeks by about three quarters, suggesting that there was a slim chance of victory.  But as usual, I sat at home on Monday morning in my underpants crying into my Cheerios whilst reading the results and realising that it would be at least another week before I could retire on the back of winning about £500.

Here are some fatuities:

Game 1: Exeter City vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Exeter set the mood for the weekend with a loss at home to Bristol rovers, with the home side handing the visitors two goals on a plate or similar serving dish.  Bristol, who gave a first start to wasted-talent and utter bawbag Derek Riordan, opened the scoring early on when Exeter's Craig Woodman cleared the ball straight to Rovers striker David Clarkson.  The former Motherwell favourite made no mistake from close-range (also, despite what his name may suggest, there is no evidence to prove that he is the offspring of the eponymous singer whose band of five knocked The Beatles off the top of the chart with Glad All Over).  The Grecians had their share of chances to draw level but the score was to remain the same until the break.  After the restart, nothing of note happened  (with the exception of this week's Name of the Week winner Fabian Broghammer picking up a booking) until the 66th minute, when Jamie Cureton equalised from inside the Rovers penalty box.  This was to be a short-lived reprieve though, as two minutes later an attempted pass-back from Tommy Doherty was intercepted by Eliot Richards who calmly slotted home the winner.   

Game 2: Cardiff City vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Meanwhile in Wales, Cardiff were giving The Grambler some false hope with a comfortable win over Blackpool.  Matthew Connolly opened the scoring with his first of the season, and first for the Redbirds, from a David Bellamy cross.  Peter Whittingham  doubled the home side's lead inside the half hour with a trademark free-kick.  In the second half, Connolly sealed the win with his second, heading home from another Bellamy cross.  Interesting fact for all you Matthew Connolly fans; his name is an anagram of Owl Latency Month, a festival celebrated every March by nocturnal bird and computer science enthusiasts the world over.  As for Blackpool?  Well let's just say that they failed to illuminate.  They were under the pier.  It looks like another roller-coaster season for them.  Cardiff towered above them.  They played like donkeys.  They cannot say that life is a beach.  They were all at sea.  They have hit rock bottom.   They failed to put on a show.  They shan't be promenading through town.  I could go on....

Game 3: Oldham Athletic vs Coventry City
Prediction: Away win  ( ✔ )
A second correct prediction as Oldham lived up to their name by playing like... ageing meat-produce?  Paul Dickov's side were unlucky not to take at least a point with one chance rebounding off the post, two cleared off the line and two strong penalty claims denied before they eventually succumbed to a 90th minute Coventry goal.  In a game which could have gone either way, Cody McDonald scored the decisive goal late on, stooping to head in a Jamie Reckford cross.  McDonald claimed that it was 'a weight off the players shoulders' to get their first three points whilst speaking to the Coventry Telegraph, who went with the rather predictable headline 'Cody Breaker.'  Personally, I would have gone for something far more contrived, like 'The Da WINci Cody.'  Any newspaper writers out there fancy giving me a job?  No?  

Game 4: Nottingham Forest vs Derby County
Prediction: Draw ( x )
In the East Midlands derby, there was a victory for Derby... Much to the delight of Josie d'Arby...  Who drives a Volkswagen Derby...  The main talking point of the game was the sending off of former Rams player Dexter Blackstock for an elbow on Richard Keogh.  Forest manager Sean O'Driscoll defended his man, saying that whilst there was contact, it was clearly accidental.  It was the forth sending off in four games between the two clubs.  Blackstock himself took to Twitter to apologise to the fans, saying "sorry for letting the side down but I only had my eyes on the ball and never ever tried to elbow him gutted".  In my opinion, he should have his ban doubled for complete disregard of punctuation.  Derby took advantage of having an extra man ten minutes later when Craig Bryson tapped in from six yards.  The victory allowed Derby to retain the Brian Clough trophy, an award contested between the two sides transformed by the legendary manager.  Not to be confused with the Brian Cloth trophy, awarded to people called Brian in the textiles industry.

Game 5: Ayr United vs Brechin City
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Ayr overcame a shaky start to take all three points and keep a clean sheet for the first time this season.  Brechin were awarded a penalty in the 15th minute when Austin McCann was adjudged to have handled the ball inside his area.  McCann was sent for an early bath, but City failed to capitalise from the resultant penalty as Andrew Jackson's shot was saved  by the Honest Men's honest man Alistair Brown.  Surprisingly, United commanded the play despite their disadvantage and took the lead when Michael Moffat (who seems to have a shady past having murdered Shirley Bassey's daughter) dinked the ball over the onrushing keeper.  Ayr doubled their lead in the second half when Marc Twaddle headed in from a corner.  Interesting fact for all the Marc Twaddle fans; Marc thinks that Denzil Washington could play him in a movie of his life.  I'm not sure but I think there might be a small likeness problem in this scenario...  United completed the rout when midfielder, and Professor of Pathology and Co-Director of the Paul F. Glenn Laboratories for the Biological Mechanisms of Aging at Harvard Medical School, David Sinclair notched a goal on the rebound.

Game 6: Livingston vs Dumbarton
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Jumping up a division and everyone's favourite cricketer turned referee George Salmond was in charge as Livingston thrashed their opponents.  There is definitely something fishy about him.  The first goal came in the 9th minute when Marc McNulty volleyed in from twelve yards.  This lead was doubled just three minutes later when Craig Barr headed home.  Dumbarton were then presented a chance to claw their way back into the game when awarded a spot-kick but Chris Turner fired past the post.  McNulty went on to score a second volley before half-time to all but seal the win.  But Livingston were not content with three and created plenty more chances in the second half.  Callum Booth, on loan from Hibs, scored the fourth after coming on as a substitute and a good day for Livi was rounded off with Keaghan Jacobs goal.  And just to bring things full-circle, Jacobs could have chosen to go into professional cricket rather than football.  Also, he is one of FOUR Jacobs brothers currently on Livingston's books.  They also make crackers.


Game 7: Aston Villa vs West Brom
Prediction: Home win ( x )

West Brom missed the chance to break into the top four of the Premiership as Villa scored a late equaliser and nearly managed a winner which would actually have made this a pretty good week.  The result provided plenty of childish giggles for the weekend, with the goals coming from Long and Bent (titter titter, chortle chortle).  Nothing appeared to happen in the first half so we'll just ignore it altogether.  The Baggies took the lead six minutes after the restart when James Morrison set-up Shane Long to tuck the ball into the net. You would have got Long odds on this happening... Darren Bent was introduced to the game with almost seventy minutes gone and took only ten minutes to make his mark.  The England striker scored from eight yards out to level the score and could have put his team in front before the full-time whistle but managed to shoot over the bar.  Paul Lambert would have been happy with his achieving a point following their recent poor-form, and just because I have not seen it in a while, here is a clip of the man himself falling on his erse whilst trying to take a corner. 

Hopefully that is enough nonsense to make up for the laziness of Friday's effort.  I am not bothering with the Champions League this time around as it is just another opportunity for me to waste time and money.  So sit back, relax and pour yourself an Ovaltine; It's the malty hot-drink that helps you ovulate!  (I have suggested this as a tagline to the company but they have not replied.) 

This coming weekend has some tasty fixtures, including Newcastle vs Man United, Bolton vs Leeds and Celtic vs Hearts.  So join me on Friday as I ignore all of these in favour of a wrong prediction for Torquay vs Aldershot.

Tenuously related quote of the day:

"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one."

               - The legendary Brian Clough

Week 7: Speeding towards the weekend like Andre Santos

(Insert laboured joke to get things started here)

Game 1: Exeter City vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Home win
(Insert derogatory comment about Mark McGhee here)

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 5/6


Game 2: Cardiff City vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
(Insert puns about Welshness and seaside holiday resorts here)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/10


Game 3: Oldham Athletic vs Coventry City
Prediction: Away win
(Insert terrible joke about dated meat products here)

Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 7/4


Game 4: Nottingham Forest vs Derby County
Prediction: Draw
(Insert tree-based puns here)

Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2


Game 5: Ayr United vs Brechin City
Prediction: Draw
(Insert interesting fact about nicknames derived from Burns poems here)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 14/5


Game 6: Livingston vs Dumbarton
Prediction: Home win
(Claim that Livingston defender Jesus Garcia Tena is actually the messiah here)

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 1/2


Game 7: Aston Villa vs West Brom
Prediction: Home win
(Insert link to pretty awful French band called Aston Villa here)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 7/5

Total odds for this week = 554/1

(Insert claim that I will be on schedule with this week's post-match ramblings before ultimately failing to keep said promise)