Week 1: Gramblers, re-assemble!

Oh why hello there, you're looking swell!  So it's a new season starting today and unlike the last new season I invented (smepper - the delicious salt and pepper combo that was going to make me a millionaire) this one has toned down over the summer - not exactly Rooney style (i.e. by adding two stone...)  We are ready to make a realistic attempt at earning some cash for the Bobby Moore Fund this year.

To highlight exactly why we are bothering, I have spent most of the summer in hospital with a sheet over my head praying for an end.  Much like David Moyes.  The marquee signings have barely rolled in at Old Trafford, whereas across Manchester, Jesus Navas and Fernandinho to make up for the painful loss of Carlos Tevez.  In London, newly reinvigorated Chelsea have added German striker André Schürrle and Spurs have signed Brazil's answer to Paul Daniels (or some other guy called Paul)  Paulinho and Spanish striker Roberto Soldado, now owner of Hampshire's largest collection of mismatched acrylic socks.  

Most changes have taken place on the management tree but there are plenty of exciting new talents to watch lower down the league, like the outstandingly named trio Ricky Van Wolfswinkel, Victor Wanyama and Florian Marange.  Of course, it all wires down to one thing....  This:

Well. not that one but you get the point.  A big cup.  Looking all purdy with ribbons on come May next year.  It'll definitely be worth it.  So Grambling pads (no idea what they are but I now need one) at the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaady!  Let's go, season 2013/14 of the Grambler, whoop whoop!

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game - Result -  Odds
Man City vs Newcastle - Away win - 10/1
Middlesbrough vs Blackpool - Home Win - 11/10
Cheltenham vs Plymouth - Home win - 19/20
St Johnstone vs Ross County - Draw - 21/10
Dundee vs Alloa - Home win - 8/13
50p @ 225/1

Bet 2: Three game accumulator from all EPL and SPL
Game - Result -  Odds
Norwich vs Everton - Draw - 23/10
West Brom vs Southampton - Home win - 6/4
Inverness vs Motherwell - Away win - 9/4
£1 @ 26/1

Just the two bets today but interesting stuff, I'm sure you'll agree*!  The main bet features Manu Pellegrini's competitive début end in terrible, unjustifiable defeat plus defeat for last season's Premiership-nearly men Blackpool.  Which might shut up Paul Ince, hooray!

Our top-tier second bet has some interesting lower Premiership games, with Everton's new boss Roberto Martinez set to taste sweet, sweet mediocrity with a draw.  Meanwhile, in the SPL Motherwell will look to follow up their (imagined) title from last season with a third successive (imagined) title win.

*If you are interested in that sort of thing in any way...

So in summary, there be a couple of bets what you may or may not put faith in.  The Grambler doesn't exactly have an amazing record and hence it will certainly be a win for us this time around.  Excpect the wins to tally up as the season flies by.

Week 36: What the Hell do we do now!?

You may recall last season ending in rather dramatic fashion with that Aguero stoppage type goal against QPR prising the title from the clutches of Manchester United.  Well, this season is slightly different.  The relegation spots are filled, the title has been decided, runners-up are already in place and unless something ridiculous happens, Chelsea have have third sewn up.  So the only matter of interest is the race for fourth place.  Can you feel the excitement?  No, neither can I.  

There are of course play-off finals taking place which are far more exciting. With places up for grabs in the Championship and Premiership, Brentford will take on Yeovil tomorrow and Crystal Palace play Watford a week on Monday respectively.  And of course the Champions League final takes place next weekend so there is still something to look forward to.  But then, a whole summer without football!  Nooooooooooooooo!

This week's Grambler is made up entirely from Premiership games.  We have the usual three game accumulator and since it's the last round of games of the season... The Super Mega Awesome Grambler!  A ten game accumulator attempting to pick the winners of every Premiership games at random...  This is the bet that will prove whether there really are any footballing Gods supporting The Grambler!

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland - Home win - 2/7

West Brom vs Man Utd - Draw - 29/10

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Away win - 11/20

£1 @ 7/1

Oddly, The Grambler has managed to choose the only two games that actually matter in this accumulator, adding a little excitement to the proceedings.  Spurs will be hopeful of bettering Arsenal's result to pinch fourth place and the delicious Champions League football that comes with it.  Sunderland do not need to achieve anything following Wigan's midweek relegation but manager and horrible fascist (lest we forget) Paulo Di Canio might still have to prove to some supporters that he is the man to lead them next season.  Tickets are allegedly changing hands for thousands of pounds ahead of West Brom's tie against Man Utd.  This will of course be Sir Alex Ferguson's last game in charge and perhaps we should expect him to round off an illustrious career with a win.  The Baggies have also had a reasonable season and a point against the Champions would conclude things nicely.  Arsenal travel to Tyneside needing a win to secure fourth spot in the league but given the right results elsewhere, could force a 3rd/4th place play-off with Chelsea.  It is highly unlikely, however.  Newcastle will be relieved to find themselves safe having unexpectedly been dragged into a relegation fight towards the end of the season.  As with most teams at this stage of the season, they will no doubt still send out a strong starting line-up with instructions to win purely for the purposes of selling season tickets for next year.

Super Mega Awesome Grambler! accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Chelsea vs Everton - Home win - 8/11

Liverpool vs QPR - Draw - 6/1

Man City vs Norwich - Home win - 1/3

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Draw - 18/5

Southampton vs Stoke - Away win - 4/1

Swansea vs Fulham - Home win - 4/5

Spurs vs Sunderland - Draw - 5/1

West Brom vs Man Utd - Away win - 5/6

West Ham vs Reading - Home win - 4/6

Wigan vs Aston Villa - Away win - 13/5

50p @ 44,048/1

Check out those odds!  I am genuinely excited by this bet!  It is so horrendously wrong that it has to be right!  What a perfect way to round of the season that would be too.  I can then sell my story to the Daily Record or some equally poor 'newspaper', write the Grambler book over the summer, start recording my Christmas single in Autumn and by the end of the year, an estimated £1.6 million will on it's way to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research!  Not that I'm setting my hopes unreasonably high or anything...

We shall return next week for the final Grambler of the season, a Champions League special. And then, who knows...?

STOP PRESS!!!!
Exciting news as I have decided to add a Eurovision bet to this week's proceedings!  The Grambler has selected Russia, who this year shall be represented by Dina Garipova singing What If (which turns out not to be a Lightning Seeds cover).  I'm not sure about this choice... Russia were robbed last year as the singing grannies of Buranovskiye Babushki were by far the best act of the night but failed to take the gong, maybe this could be their year?  The Russian entry is 16/1 to win outright so I have bet a quid each way and any winnings will go to the usual charidee.  Here is Miss Garipova in action for those of you curious enough...

Week 35: Nation in shock as 71 year old retires!

We should get this over with quickly, nothing of note has happened in the past week football-wise...

Oh wait, some old geezer has decided it is time to retire and move into a new role as puppetmaster director and ambassador at Old Traffford.  Yes, the time has finally come for Sir Alex Ferguson to retire after 26 years and 38 trophies with Manchester United.  It is the end of an era as the manager many have hailed as the greatest of all time laves the dugout for the last time.  One has to admire his many achievements; the treble in 1999, his tactical nous, his handling of the media, his ability to spot raw talent...  But personally, I believe that his greatest moment was that time that he twatted David Beckham on the head with a football boot.

Fellow irate Scotsman and Everton manager David Moyes has been given the thankless task of replacing Ferguson.  Whilst most critics have agreed that this is a wise move, with the key motive of maintaining a formula that has provided years success and stability to the club, many United fans have been angered by the appointment.  But then again, most United fans I have ever met have been idiots...

Sad news elsewhere as Aston Villa captain Stillian Petrov has been forced to retire as he continues his battle against leukaemia.  He has decided to devote his time to setting up a foundation to help sufferers of the bastarding disease.  Yet further proof, as if it were needed, that cancer is a big hairy arse.  You should really donate some money to help the fight against said big hairy arse.  How about donating to the Bobby Moore Fund?  They seem nice.

Sadly, the end of the season is nigh...  Two rounds of games remain in the Premiership with the final Champions League place and relegation spot still to be filled.  Similarly, there are still two games to play in the SPL, with the mighty Motherwell one point away from securing second place.  In the lower leagues of England and Scotland, the play-offs are already well under-way; most notably one of Watford, Brighton, Crystal Palace or Leicester will earn a coveted place in the Premiership.  And Manchester City will face Wigan on Saturday in an FA Cup final which is surely a foregone conclusion...  I mean, there's just no way that City's attack are getting past Gary Caldwell!  So there are only about 20 Grambleable games to choose from this weekend, but we shall bravely Gramble on to the bitter end!  Two bets of three this week, plus an extra special FA Cup final bet which has been calculated in the most spectacular Grambler fashion yet!

Three game all-league accumulator

Game - result - odds

St Mirren vs Aberdeen - Home win - 9/5

Peterhead vs Queen's Park - Home win - 4/5 

Crystal Palace vs Brighton - Draw - 23/10

50p @ 16/1

Meanwhile, back where Alex Ferguson won his first silverware... St Mirren take on the sheep-fanciers of Aberdeen in a meaningless wind-down game.  Dundee's relegation last week confirmed the Buddies survival whilst the Dons have pretty much cemented 7th place in the SPL.  Staying in Scotland, Peterhead go into the second-leg of their play-off tie against Queen's Park with a 1-0 lead thanks to a stoppage time penalty on Wednesday night.  The Blue Toon also defeated the Spiders 3-0 in the final round of league ties so could make it three-in-a-row on Sunday.  On Friday night, Crystal Palace and Brighton square up in the first leg of their play-off tie.  Much is at stake with promotion worth an estimated £60 million to Championship promotees.  Palace have not appeared in the top-flight since 2005 but Brighton have yet to make a Premiership appearance.

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - result - odds

Man Utd vs Swansea - Home win - 1/3

Stoke vs Tottenham - Away win - 10/11

Sunderland vs Southampton - 13/8

£1 @ 6/1

With the title already secured and Ferguson's imminent retirement, Man Utd fans will be turning out for a celebration rather than a competitive match on Sunday.  Likewise, Swansea will be celebrating another good year in the Premiership (along with League Cup triumph) so expect a party atmosphere and meaningless game at Old Trafford.  Stoke have slogged out the second half of the season and rumours abound that Tony Pullis will depart.  They may be out to prove a point in their final home game.  Tottenham continue to tussle with Arsenal for the sought-after final Champions League place and will see this as a must-win match.  Although Wigan look likely to join QPR and Reading in the Championship next season, there is still a chance either Sunderland or Southampton giving this game an air of a relegation battle. Both sides gambled by sacking their managers late in the season band it could pay off for either or both if they can avoid the dreaded drop.

Super extra special far-fetched and convoluted FA Cup bet

It would be a shame not to have a bet on the FA Cup final, but to choose either Manchester City or Wigan to win would be a) a tad boring and b) unlikely to win anything worthwhile.  So it made much more sense to enter the most complex formula into the Grambler spreadsheet of this season to come up with a prediction for an actual result and first goalscorer.  Obviously this is type of betting has not been outlined in the rules of The Grambler but then those of you who have been following may have noticed that I have changed the rules every couple of weeks anyway.  Also, it's Christmas so why not?  In the unlikely outcome that Manchester City and Wigan draw 1-1 with Pablo Zabaleta scoring the first goal, a cool £70 will be heading for the Bobby Moore Fund courtesy of a 50p bet with odds of 140/1.  How do you like them apples?

That is all from the penultimate Grambler of the season.  No go forth and celebrate.  Perhaps by buying several Grambler t-shirts (go on, you know you want one!)

Week 34: Gramblersaurus, raaaaaaaaaawwwwwr!

This week, one rather peckish fellow has dominated the footballing headlines as Luis Suarez decided that it was a good idea to have a mid-game snack consisting of Branislav Ivanovic's forearm.  Strangely, the FA felt that this feast did not quite adhere to the rules of the game and promptly whipped out a ten match ban for the Liverpool based cannibal.  Absolutely everyone has had an opinion on this episode, including our glorious leader David Cameron who is worried about the example that Suarez's behaviour is setting for our children.  It's almost as good an example as taking your offspring to the pub and then leaving them there, eh Davey?

Elsewhere, coupons across Europe were busted as every armchair fan's former favourites Barcelona and Real Madrid were soundly beaten by every armchair fan's new favourites Bayern Munich and Borrussia Dortmund respectively.  The first leg results from the Champions League semi-final would suggest we may be looking forward to an all-German final at Wembley come May but the Spanish giants could have an element of bouncebackability in the return legs.  Sadly for Dortmund, it looks like their team will be ripped apart by the richer vultures of European football over the summer meaning that they will be unable to build upon this season's success.  Munich are unlikely to be disappointed by this seeing as they were first in on the act, with the capture of Dortmund's £30 million striker Mario Götze.

And in the Europa League... Who am I kidding, no one cares.

Two bets for you this week; the traditionally useless 5 game accumulator and the always so close but no cigar Premiership accumulator.  I have ditched the goalscorer bet as it is flawed in so many ways.  If anyone would like to suggest an alternative bet to take it's place, feel free.  I was thinking of something along the lines of a £1 bet on what Neil Lennon will cry about this weekend...

Five game all-league accumulator
Game - Result - Odds
Everton vs Fulham - Home win - 4/9
Wolves vs Burnley - Home win - 5/4
Hibs vs St Mirren - Away win - 21/10
Shrewsbury vs Portsmouth - Home win - 6/4
Chelsea vs Swansea - Home win - 1/3
£1 @ 33/1

At first glance, that is not too ridiculous a bet.  Two Premiership games in which The Grambler has selected the home sides and favourites to win.  In both cases, they could be considered must win games with a Europa League place up for grabs for Everton and third place within Chelsea's grasp.  In the Championship, Wolves are desperately trying to claw their way out of the relegation zone and this is their last home game of the campaign so again I get to use the very much overused phrase 'must win.'  Portsmouth have had a good week by their standards, having emerged from administration, agreed a fan's takeover and appointed Guy Whittingham as boss.  But Pompey are already relegated and with little to play for, along with Shrewsbury's recent good form, defeat may be likely.  And in the SPL, two teams who have had mixed seasons meet at Easter Road.  Home-side Hibs are due to play Celtic in the Scottish Cup final in May but find themselves 9th in the league.  St Mirren won the League Cup in March but are second bottom of the SPL.  Both teams evidently have moments of good play but can also be very poor so this game could go either way.


Three game Premiership accumulator 
Game - Result - Odds
Newcastle vs Liverpool - Home win - 15/8
Man City vs West Ham - Home win - 1/4
Aston Villa vs Sunderland - Home win - 5/4
£1 @ 7/1

In what looks like a fix, it's all home wins in this week's Premiership bet.  But home advantage is not everything, otherwise this betting lark would be a whole lot easier.  Newcastle set a high standard last season, playing some decent football and surpassing everyone's expectations with a 5th place finish.  However, Alan Pardew's side have struggled replicate their form this season and despite the odd good result, have been dragged into the relegation fight.  Liverpool are another team who have failed to live up to expectations.  Currently 7th in the league and now without suspended leading scorer and aforementioned bitey-person Luis Suarez, they may struggle to finish the campaign on a high note.  Manchester City have just handed the Premiership trophy back to their rivals from across the City and the talk of which multi-million pound signings they will be making this pre-season has begun.  Second place is pretty much safe for City but speculation surrounds the future of many players who will surely be keen to prove that they are worthy of another season at the club.  West Ham have had a better season than many would have expected and are currently 10th having gone 5 games unbeaten.  They also had a nice bonus recently after it was confirmed that the taxpayers of this country, allegedly a bit skint and in a double-dip recession, are buying them a new stadium.  Which is nice of us all!  Aston Villa and Sunderland square up in a relegation dogfight (why is it always dogs?  Why not giraffes?), with the home side having suffered yet another poor season.  At least they didn't do so with Alex McLeish at the helm this time though.  Meanwhile, Sunderland fans have already forgotten that their new manager is a horrible fascist after he won a few games, including thrashing much-hated rivals Newcastle on their own patch.  How fickle football fans can be!  Should he keep up the good start, the Black Cats could well be safe come the end of the weekend.  

An agreeable sum of £40 is on offer this week should The Grambler correctly predict all eight results.  As always, any winnings shall go to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research.  Should you wish to play along at home, press the red button now......

Week 32: Teri Hatcher's dead!?

Okay, so the whole horse racing thing didn't work out too well.  After a short trip to the dog food factory, I'm willing to put that all behind us and from now on stick to Buckaroo when I'm in the mood for horsing around.  And so we return to what we know best this week... Football!*  And by 'know best', I clearly mean what we know very little about but Google thankfully fills in the blanks.  

*Although I am tempted to put some money on the French to win the real -life Quidditch World Cup...

A week of Champions League excitement saw Borussia Dortmund leave it late to beat a spunky Malaga side, Galatasaray give Real Madrid a run for their money and an injured Leo Messi still managing to make the difference against PSG, setting up the goal to see them through to the semi-finals.  Another league manager was carelessly tossed onto the scrapheap as Sheffield United parted ways with 1980s Scottish pop-rock group Danny Wilson.  The incredibly unlikeable Neil Warnock has already emerged as a contender for the vacancy.  And the Daily Mail started a campaign to have a minute silence at each weekend game to mark the death of Big Mags Thatcher, apparently oblivious to the fact that a large proportion of the country were less than enamoured to her.  Because obviously any attempt to have a minute silence in the name of Thatcher would end well, wouldn't it?  It's almost as if they want to anger people and have them boo their way through a minute's tribute in order to whip up a frenzy and feed off the outrage...  Oh wait, it's the Daily Mail.  That's exactly what they want.

And on that note, we move onto this weekend's football.  The Tyne-and-Wear derby could be the pick of the Premiership games, although the prospect of Southampton vs West Ham is tremendously exciting... Chelsea and Man City square-off for a place in the FA Cup final whilst in the other semi-final, Wigan and Millwall will compete in a half-empty Wembley...  And in Scotland, Hibs play Falkirk and Dundee United face Celtic for a place in the Scottish Cup Final.  But what does The Grambler have to say about it all?  Well, this:

Five game accumulator from all leagues

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs Sunderland - Home win - 19/20

Stevenage vs Yeovil - Draw - 12/5

Dag & Red vs Oxford Utd - Home win - 6/5

Leeds vs Sheff Wed - Away win - 21/10

Wolves vs Huddersfield - Home win - 11/10

50p @ 94/1

Three game accumulator from the Premiership and FA Cup

Game - Result - Odds

Stoke vs Man Utd - Away win - 4/7

Chelsea vs Man City - Home win* - 21/10

Southampton vs West Ham - Home win - 17/20

£1 @ 8/1

*Obviously not actually a home game.  Result is after 90 minutes.

Three player any-time goalscorer accumulator

Player - Game - Odds

Theo Walcott - Arsenal vs Norwich - 10/11

Wayne Rooney - Stoke vs Man Utd - 6/4

Christian Benteke - Aston Villa vs Fulham - 11/10

50p @ 8/1

And that's yer lot for today.  In the unlikely scenario that all predictions are correct, we will be handing over a whopping £54 to the Bobby Moore Fund.  In the more likely scenario that none are correct, we will be handing over a pitiful £0.  

Don't drink and Gramble.

Week 27: Vote Grambler for President of Venezuela!

Still buzzing from the success of The Gramblerzghi last weekend, I have become all the more determined to win some bets and send the proceeds over to the Bobby Moore Fund to assist in the war against bowel cancer; a war which has raged on for 87 years during which time a number of frankly unspeakable war crimes have been committed.

This determination has brought a massive realisation during a brief moment of clarity. In the old format, I did not win very much. With that in mind, famous popular music singer David Bowie has announced "The Grambler is ch-ch-ch-changing.". Poor old guy never did get round to working on that stutter...

So instead of one highly unlikely bet, we now have one highly unlikely bet plus two potential (but unlikely) winners.  The odds on the second and third bets are rather low but any winnings are good winnings.  So without much Freddy Adu, I present to you the all new Grambler (which I'll probably only stick with for one week before becoming lazy and complacent.)

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game, Result, Odds
Stranraer vs Albion Rovers, Home win, 7/10
Scunthorpe vs Coventry, Home win, 2/1
Peterborough vs Ipswich, Away win, 2/1
Birmingham vs Derby, Home win, 13/8
St Johnstone vs Kilmarnock, Home win, 10/11
50p @ 76/1

Bet the first is pretty much the same as the usual farfetched Grambler bet.  Once again, a win looks unlikely here... Perhaps 3 out of the 5 will come out correct.  However, whilst said scenario is possibly the best outcome, them pets don't win prizes as Dale Winton used to say... Actually, I'm not sure that he ever did say that.  I was about to Tweet him and ask but the only accounts for him seem to be fake. So I tweeted original PWP host Danny Baker instead.  


Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game, Result, Odds
Man City vs Barnsley, Home win, 1/7
West Brom vs Swansea, Home win, 29/20
Norwich vs Southampton, Draw, 12/5
50p @ 9/1

Our second bet aims to make The Grambler a touch more exciting by focusing purely on the Bestest League in the World.  For most people, the Premiership represents more exciting football than Torquay vs Accrington Stanley.  So by placing a bet only on Premiership games, the weekend may not be ruined even though the early kick off League Two game has already lost the main bet.  The FA Cup includes many top tier teams this weekend so these games have been included, hence the presence of Barnsley. The bet is not too shabby; Man City are the clear favourites in their match, West Brom have tremendous home form behind them and both Norwich and Southampton are prone to draws.  I should really have included a joke about Tevez putting City in the driving seat just there...

Bet 3: Three man anytime goalscorer accumulator from the Premiership
Player, Odds
Romelu Lukaku, 6/5
Edin Dzeko, 8/13
Steven Fletcher, 6/4
50p @ 8/1

Mixing things up a little, we have a goalscorer bet for the first time ever.  This is a historical moment, perhaps on as par with the moment that the Pope assassinated Trotsky on the moon.  Picked via random number generator from a list of all Premiership players to have scored 5 or more goals this season, the results are interesting.  West Brom's on-loan Lukaku has been in good form recently, whilst Dzeko can be good for a goal if Man City are in control...  The main problem is that he may not start.  Finally, Sunderland's Steve Fletcher has 10 goals thus far, most of which have come at home.  Unfortunately they are away to Ol' Melty Face Redknapp's QPR this afternoon.  Still, this bet may just make this afternoon's Grambling that little bit more enthralling.


A massive total of £48.50 up for grabs today from a £1.50 bet.  Should this format come anywhere close to success I'll be sticking to it.  Otherwise, I'll be doing a Cardinal Keith and pretending that this never happened...

Happy Gramblin!

Week 19: Merry apocalyptic Christmas!

"Debris Snow is falling, all around me

Children fending for themselves in a wasteland comparable to Mad Max II 

playing - having fun,

It's the end of the world, we're doomed! Swallow the cyanide now to avoid the horrible pain!

season for love and understanding,

Merry apocalypse Christmas everyone!"

And so it appears that the end of the world never came to fruition... yet again.  Perhaps I should ask The Grambler to predict when the apocalypse will genuinely come and then lead a band of obsessives into a mass suicide... Anyone up for it?

I was all set for saving my money and time and avoiding doing a Grambler this week on the basis that we'd all be dead anyway.  But unfortunately, this is not the case.  So I suppose I'd best force as many contrived Christmas puns as possible into the following to appease our festive overlords. 

Game 1: Snowmanchester City vs Rudolph the Reading Nosed Reindeer

Prediction: Home win

City aim to keep the pressure on rivals Manchestnuts United who currently sit 6 points ahead at the top of the Premiership.  They have not been in the best of form of late with only two wins in the last five matches.  The current champions will have to make do without midfielder Santa Nasri and controversial striker the Virgin Mario Balotelli.  Reading have lost six games on the trot and have the divisions worst away record, with just 2 points from a possible 27.  The Royals are currently the Premiership's stocking fillers and Brian McDermott may have to be queueing outside of Debenhams on Boxing Day morning in the hope of finding that bargain striker to keep his side up.

Odds on this result: 1/7

Game 2: Tottenham Hohohotspur vs Stoke the Log Fire City

Prediction: Home win

Spurs are level on points with Chelsea in the chase for third place in the Premiership.  The White (Christmas) Hart Lane side have developed a habit of conceding late goals this season, Andre Villas Boas will hope that his side do not offer any gifts to the opposition attackers today.  Striker Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel Adebayor faces a late fitness test.  Stoke have proved to be a hard side to defeat this season and currently inhabit 9th place in the league.  However, the Potters have won only one away game this term.  Midfielder Charlie Adam will miss out today as he has been granted compassionate leave.  

Odds on this result: 8/13

Game 3: Notts Countying Down the Days 'til Xmas vs Sleighton Orient

Prediction: Home win

Getting into the true Christmas spirit, Notts County have confirmed that this game is off as a result of flooding at Meadow Lane.  

Odds on this result: 11/10

Game 4: Celturkey vs Cranberry Sauce County

Prediction: Home win

It has been a big week for Celtic as they drew European giants Yuleventus in the next round of the Champions League, but it's back to SPL duty as they aim to keep the pressure on inevitable champions Motherwell.  Injured forward duo Kris Kringle Commons and Anthony Stokes will be playing charades in the stand.   County started the season brightly but now find themselves slipping towards the bottom spot.  They will be outsiders today so will hope that fellow Highlanders Inverness can do them a favour by beating bottom side Dundee.

Odds on this result: 1/6

Game 5: Coventry Once In Royal David's City vs Preston North Pole

Prediction: Draw

Just one point separates these two sides in League Two.  Coventry were impressive last week in their 4-1 demolition of Little Donkeycaster, whilst Preston managed to take a single point away to Portsmouth.  Sky Blues manager Mark Red, Red Robins faces a dilemma over his striking choices as stand-in Adam Barton impressed in last week's win.  Preston's Christmas Robertson returns from suspension and could go straight back into the starting eleven in place of Shane Cansdell-Sherriff, who starts a two match ban.

Odds on this result: 12/5

Slim pickings this week, the draw is not too far-fetched and one cancellation leaves us with a poor 14/1.  But we are surely due a win, maybe Santa will make it my present this year?

That is all from the apocalyptic Christmas special, as one famous philosopher once said "have another rock n' roll Christmas".

And an old classic joke to finish on:

Darth Vader: "I know what you are getting for Christmas..."

Luke Skywalker: "What is Christmas?"

Vader: "Nevermind that, you're ruining my punchline."

Skywalker: "But seriously, you appear to be referencing a religious tradition from an insignificant planet many millions of light-years away, one of which no one in this series has ever suggested any knowledge of it's existence, why would we be celebrating this event?"

Vader: "Just shut up for a minute and play along with the joke!"

Skywalker: "Okay then..."

Vader: "I know what you are getting for Christmas, Luke..."

Skywalker: (feigning surprise) "What? How could you?"

Vader: "Because like any good parent, I have paid close attention to your hobbies and interests and used this holiday as a time to show my love for you through thoughtful gifts."

Skywalker: "Aaaaaw, I love you dad!"

(title music)

Week 13: Unlucky for some...

If you happen to suffer from triskaidekaphobia, this is not going to be your week.  Similarly, if you happen to enjoy accurate predictions from betting websites, this is not going to be your week.  Also, if you happen to be Nadine Dorries, this is not going to be your week.

Last week was terrible; there is no disguising that.  But one only has to glance at the midweek European results to realise that absolutely anything can happen in the glorious game of football - Portuguese minnows Académica defeated Europa League and UEFA Super Cup champions Atlético Madrid... Little known Scottish club Celtic defeated the omnipotent Barcelona... And perhaps most shockingly, Dundee United were victorious against Motherwell.  Seriously, I know it's hard to believe but it happened.  Look it up if you don't believe me!

We have a massive SEVENTY games to choose from this week, with a handful of games thrown in from the Capital One Cup and the Scottish FA Cup ('Mon the Inverurie Locos!)  To find out who The Grambler selected, press the hash key... now!

Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Bromwich Albion
Prediction: Draw
West Brom are this season's unexpected high-fliers.  They are currently 5th in the Premiership, level on points with Everton in 4th place.  Under the leadership of Steve Clarke, they have only lost one game at home.  However, their away record is less positive, with only two points from four games.  Wigan will be looking to avoid the relegation scuffle this year and their boss Roberto Martinez is already receiving plaudits for results this season, which have included away wins at Spurs and Southampton.  A number of commentators have stated throughout the week that Liverpool should really have pursued their interest in Martinez rather than turning to Brendan Rodgers in the summer.  Rumour has it the Spaniard could still be set for a move from the DW Stadium though, this time for Major League Soccer.  A newly formed team made up of Native American Indians are looking to appoint a head-coach.  With Roberto at the helm, it could be a good début season for Wigwam Athletic.  Sorry...  I'm not really.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 2: Manchester City vs Tottenham Hotspur
Prediction: Home win
Why, hello again Manchester City, you're looking well!  A second appearance in a row for the Sky Blues, last week they failed to win despite The Grambler telling me that they should.  They have home advantage this weekend and have yet to lose at the Etihad Stadium in the league this season, with four victories and a draw to their name.  City continued their woeful European form on Tuesday evening, coming back from 2-0 down to scrape a draw with popular cleaning product Ajax.  They are currently bottom of Group D, also known as THE GROUP OF HORRIBLY PAINFUL AND ELONGATED DEATH, and with progression looking unlikely, fans will be expecting more from the domestic competitions.  Spurs look likely to be in for another season of chasing 4th place, having slipped to 6th last weekend with a calamitous defeat at home to the aforementioned Wogan Athletic.  Manager Andre Villas Boas is already coming in for a hard time with many sections of the media, and this is probably little to do with results and more to do with him replacing media-darling 'Arry Redknapp, everyone's favourite tax-evading Cockney.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 4/7

Game 3: Southend United vs Port Vale
Prediction: Away win
Southend have had a mixed season so far, with the exact same form at home as away from home; three wins, two draw and three losses.  This is not necessarily bad form but suggests that home advantage means very little, and fans would have been somewhat embarrassed to watch their side lose 1-0 at home to bottom side Aldershot a few weeks back.  They will be missing two key players in Anthony Straker, who has been called up for international duty with Grenada, and Neil Harris, out with a knee injury.  Interesting if slightly irrelevant piece of trivia of the week: Ian Tomlinson, who infamously died following an 'altercation' with the police, was wearing a t-shirt featuring a tribute to Neil Harris when the incident occurred.  True story.  Port Vale will be hopeful of keeping the pressure on runaway league leaders Gillingham with another away win.  Their travelling form has been impressive, with five wins from eight on the road.  They are also the only team in British football to have adopted a pretzel as a team emblem. 
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 2/1

Game 4: Celtic vs St Johnstone
Prediction: Home win
It has been a good week for Celtic fans; the club celebrated its 125th anniversary, defeated Barcelona in the Champions League and, probably most importantly, this arrived in the club shop.  I love a good football related Christmas gnome, I do!  Most people will look at this game and think that a win for Celtic is foregone conclusion, but the Hoops are prone to the odd slip-up following a good result in Europe.  For example: Just this season, following a good 2-0 victory over futuristic vampire-slayers Helsingborgs which led Celtic to the Champions League group stages, the team went on to draw with Hibs at home and then lose their next game away from home, one of only two league defeats this season.  Their opponents on that occasion?  St Johnstone.  The Saints are one of a host of clubs hoping to take advantage of Rangers' demise this season and finish in the fabled second spot of the SPL (yes, Scottish football is really that sad.)  But their form has been a little inconsistent of late.  A record-equalling 5th straight league win in a row (last achieved by the Perth side in 1971) has been followed by a 1-1 draw with Inverness and an inevitable defeat at Motherwell.  Steve Lomas will be hoping for a tired or over-confident Celtic side.
Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 2/9

Game 5: Elgin City vs Berwick Rangers
Prediction: Draw
I cannot claim to have such a high level of knowledge when it comes to either of these teams but one thing I am certain is true, football is not such a big deal in Elgin.  In fact, participation in the sport pales in comparison to the most popular past-time (as I understand it): Marbles.    In spite of this, the football team has been doing rather well this year and may have been leading the division had it not been for some young upstarts coming along with their franchise and beating almost everyone.  At home, they have only been defeated once in a 5-1 thrashing at the hands of Rangers Franchise #1 PLC FC.  Berwick meanwhile are sitting 6th in the table and have been good at home, remaining unbeaten in five games.  Their away form has let them down however, with one point at Queens Park two weeks ago their only gain on their travels.  Manager Ian Little may have worked with some of the biggest pop acts of the day in the 1980s but his focus is now on taking his Rangers side up the leagues.  A play-off spot in the Third Division is not so far out of reach.  
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 14/5

Game 6: Partick Thistle vs Dunfermline Athletic
Prediction: Away win
This is probably the most exciting Grambler selected game of the week... No, I'm being a serious!  A proper top of the table clash and one which will play a huge part in the fight for promotion to the SPL this season.  Some of you may have been reading a number of weeks ago when Partick Thistle made an appearance.  At the time, they had a 100% home record, and this is still the case.  However, after one win from the last four games, they have slipped to 2nd place in the First Division... Behind Dunfermline Athletic!  The Pars have only lost one game this season and have a tremendous record of four wins and one draw away from Dens Park.  The two teams already met on Dunfermline's patch earlier in the season, when the Maryhill side enjoyed a 1-0 victory.  "We want to try and take the three points back that they took off us at East End Park" said Pars manager Jim Jefferies enthusiastically.  Well I say enthusiastically, anyone who has ever heard Jefferies talk will know that he sounded like he had a noose around his neck...
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 21/10

Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Anyone else getting a feeling of deja vu?  I think I might be in the Matrix and suddenly the world around me seems very late nineties... Everyone is listening to nu-metal and wearing overly baggy jeans and... Why is there a ridiculously wooden actor next to me saying "wooooooaaaaah!" at everything and anything?  Confused?  You should be!  For you see, this exact same fixture happened last week, with The Grambler selecting it... With AFC Wimbledon to be victorious... As Game 7... Wooooooaaaaah!  It was, of course, an incorrect prediction.  In the meantime, both clubs have played a midweek fixture, with York fairing slightly better than their opponents.  The home-side played Northampton and a 1-1 draw has kept them in 10th place, still close enough that they can smell a play-off place.  And it smells like roast chicken.  Wombledon meanwhile lost their Tuesday night encounter with Exeter 2-0 and manager Neil Ardley has called for hard work and desire from his relegation-threatened team.  "There has to be hard work and desire" he told reporters who went on to report his quotes in a variety of media outlets.
Reliability balls: 3/10
Odds on this result: 16/5

Overall, we could have done a lot worse with this week's predictions.  Our combined odds this week are a plentiful 968/1.  A high number of away wins is never a good sign but I am filled with confidence that we can do it this week, and it would be a fitting tribute to Jack Duckworth who was a devoted fan of The Grambler.  Possibly.

Week 12 results: The Grambler Dot Com

There is some Grambler news to get out of the way first... I might have kind of maybe accidentally purchased the domain name www.thegrambler.com.  But only because this is such a serious operation and needs to look as profechenal as posabil.  And also, at the current rate at which Hollywood producer types are currently churning out any old crap with a superhero in it for many millions of dollars, it's only so long before some super-human chump is called 'the Grambler.'  And when that happens, I own their website and will only surrender it for $4 million and a cameo as Lieutenant Von Grombler, an evil, bitter and twisted relative of the eponymous hero.

Secondly, there is now some kind of navigation bar at the top of the page.  It is, in fact, a bar which can be used for the purpose of navigation.  For example, should you wish to view the home page, simply click on the page labelled 'home.'  What an age we live in!  Feel free to offer any suggestions of how this wonderful site can be further improved.  Alternatively, don't.

And I wasn't paying much attention, but their may have been some football on over the weekend.

Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Ah, the magic of the FA Cup!  The tournament where any team from any division can go on to be champions!  The cup where smaller teams can showcase their talents!  Or so it is always claimed, the actuality is the Premiership teams fielding their 'youngsters' (still a team assembled expensively by kidnapping 14-year-olds in their sleep), bottom-half League One teams 'resting' their 'star' players, stadiums being half-empty and generally no one actually caring until the semi-finals.  Which brings us to Morecambe vs Rochdale; two teams who had met in the league just weeks before playing out a mediocre score draw in front of 1,800 fans.  Inspiring!  Andy Flemming put the home-side in front early on with a 20 yard shot but for most of the match, Rochdale looked like the hungrier side.  Shrimps goalkeeper Barry Roche was in fine-form, denying the Dale on numerous occasions before Jason Kennedy finally got the better of him, turning in a rebound to earn a replay, meaning the fans will have to shell out another £20 a head to witness the 'magic' of the cup.  But fear ye not, devoted Shrimpdale fans!  The excitement of a trip to Coventry awaits in the next round!  Magic!  

Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Saturday saw Dougie Freedman appear in the Bolton dugout for the first time, and he made it known beforehand that tactics would be changing under him: "El quezo estaba viejo y mohoso.  Donde esta el bano?" said Freedman.  Actually, that was Brendan Fraser in California Man... Freedman has actually said that promotion is still achievable for his new side this term, and a 2-1 win over league leaders Cardiff was a good start for the Dougster.  But it was the BlueRedbirds who looked the better team in the first half.  A Peter Whittingham cross caused confusion in the Bolton box on 40 minutes and allowed the visitors to take the lead.  Following some comical defending from Zat Knight (who I genuinely believe permanently has Julius Fučík's 'Entrance of the Gladiators' constantly playing in his head) the ball fell nicely for Craig Noone to fire past Adam Bogdan.  It was two substitutions in the second-half which turned the game around.  David Ngog only played 25 minutes, but it was rather eventful.  In the 68th minute, Ngog fell over in the box and the referee pointed to the spot.  Fellow substitute Martin Petrov stepped up to score the penalty.  Ngog then put his side in front with a flick from six yards.  And to round of an eventful afternoon, he picked up two yellow cards in seven minutes to earn a hypothetical early bath.

Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw ( x )
I have a theory about Hibernian's Leigh Griffiths; should his hairline ever stop receding, he will stop scoring.  He's like some kind of anti-Samson... The better form he is in, the more his hairline diminishes.  And his fringe moved further from his forehead on Saturday as he notched two against St Mirren.  It was the visitors who had taken the lead when a long drive from Kenny McLean found it's way past Hibs keeper Ben Williams, a man who has put his jail sentence for manslaughter behind him to take the number one jersey.  The lead was only to last five minutes however, a cross found the noggin of James McPake who headed downwards for Griffiths to score his tenth of the season.  Hibs took control of the match in the second half and found themselves in front when Griffiths scored a second, this time with a fine 20 yard shot.  The striker could have increased the lead further, hitting the post twice during the match.  But the one goal lead was enough to take all three points and there was still time for Saints captain Jim Goodwin to get a second booking for doing what he does best - elbowing someone in the face.  And finally, no mention of Leigh Griffiths is complete without linking to the Real Lee Griffiths Blog, one of the finest moments in the history of the internet.     

Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Much of the build-up to this game was dominated by the revelation that Roberto Mancini came close to leaving City last season to join a mid 1990s Peter Hook side-project.  It was old news and Rubbertoe insisted that the revelation would not disrupt he build-up to this match.  But by kick-off, the City players were aware that a win would take them joint top of the table, and it would appear that the pressure got to them as they struggled to a 0-0 draw.  West Ham had the better chances during the game, with a Kevin Nolan volley incorrectly ruled out for offside and a Yossi Benayoun shot striking the bar.  City did manage eight shots on target, but couldn't find the net and Mancini responded to his side's inability to score in one match in a way that only a Manchester City manger can - by demanding that the club's owners spend £50 million on Neymar post haste.  To give the Hammers their due, they proved to be as tough as nails to hold on for the point.  Maybe they can build on this result and construct a fine season.  It would seem that they have the right tools for the challenge.  Sam Allardyce will hope that they don't screw up.  Etc. 

Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Fulham pinched a point in the last minute of a game which was dominated by Everton.  A mistake from Timothy Howard put the home team in front as the keeper pushed a free-kick onto the post only to watch on as it bounced back into the net.  The score stayed that way until the half-time in spite of the Toffees having a host of chances to equalise.  Into the second-half and Everton finally found the net, Marouane Fellaini scoring from eight yards after good work from fellow Belgian Kevin Mirallas.  Fellaini grabbed a second in the 72nd minute with a low shot but the despite the visitor's dominance, they could not hold on for the win.  Substitute Steve Sidwell tapped in at the back post in the final minute of the game to earn a draw.  Interesting fact of the day:  Fellaini's old man was a goalkeeper and signed for Belgian club Mechelen.  However, his former club had a strop about the signing and wouldn't let him play so he just became a bus driver instead.  As you do.  Terrible joke of the day: Why won't Martin Jol buy the 115g packet of Finest Wafer Thin Wiltshire Cured Pig Meat from Tesco?  Because he wants the full ham!

Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
More FA Cup 'magic!'  This tie at least presented a 'glamorous' opponent for non-league Park Avenue and there was a chance for them to indulge in a spot of giant-killing.  Alas, it was not to be as Doncaster had the game all but wrapped up by half-time.  Martin Woods turned in an Ian Hume cross from the edge of the penalty area to put his side in front.  In the 37th minute, Hume turned from provider to scorer when he side-footed in from Billy Paynter's cross.  Bradford started the second-half brightly and managed to pull a goal back when Richard Marshall found the top=corner from a tight angle.  But any chance of a comeback was put to bed in the 76th minute when Paul Keegan's cross surprisingly found R&B singer and wife-beater Chris Brown who headed in.  Whilst the result may have been expected, Bradford PA attempted to give their fellow Yorkshiremen  a run for their money and managed to keep the score respectable.  Everyone returned to their farms happily and ate Yorkshire pudding with gravy whilst discussing their whippets and saying 'ey oop lad' a lot.  Apart from Chris Brown, who went home to a crate of Stella.

Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Another 'glamour tie' between two sides in the same division which ended with an insipid draw.  Both sides had chances to take the lead in the first half but there was no goal forthcoming until the 62nd minute, when York substitute Jamie Reed finished off a Jason Walker move.  With the Minstermen looking to hold on for a win, a free-kick was presented to the Dons in the 80th minute and a deflection from Charlie Strutton's shot beat City keeper Michael Ingham to earn a replay.  The only real talking point to come out of this game is that a victory for Wimbledon in the return leg will see them facing MK Dons in the next round, should the other Dons also win their replay.  This would be the first time that the sides have met since an acrimonious split of fans when the original Krazy Gang relocated to Milton Keynes.  I like to imagine that this resulted in two groups of casuals made up entirely of Wombles, who will be set to rumble on Wimbledon Common prior to a potential tie.  They would finally get to make good use of all of those sharp and pointy objects that everyday people left behind....

Sometimes it is hard to draw positives from The Grambler's poor predictions.  But as the old saying goes, "if life gives you lemons, eat some lemons."  Here are some positives from this week:

• We learned that Marouane Fellaini was conceived on the number 83 bus somewhere between Putkapel and Wijgmaal.  Possibly.
• Craig Levein finally got the sack.
• I have some lemons.

And seeing as there is apparently an election thingy going on somewhere, have a topical quote to finish...

"I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here... “I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.” “I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.” “Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding out both puppets!”"

- Bill Hicks

  

Week 12: It's The (late) Grambler Halloween Spooktacular!

That's right, it's the 31st of October (or at least it was when I started writing this), meaning one thing: the chance to change every player's name in a ridiculously contrived manner so that they sound spooky!

This weekend we have the first round of the FA Cup meaning a lack of League One and Two games.  In Scotland, it's the third round of the Scottish Cup, meaning nothing happening outside of the top league.  So I have decided, what the hell, let's include both cup competitions.  There are always a few shocks and imagine the puns we could include if the draw brings out the Met Police team?  Before we get the pumpkin rolling, here is a topical joke:  

What do you call an annual celebration where children and adults alike disguise themselves as spooky characters or fictional persons, but only ones which are permissible by Islamic law?

Halalween!

(Please note: this is meant to be a play on words and I do not even have an embassy.)

Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win
The ghost of Eric Morecambe can often be seen floating around the foot of the table in League Two.  They are a side surrounded by legendary tales of mythical creatures and even go as far as placing a ghostly-monster-beast in the very centre of the club crest.  They have thrice made it as far as the third round in the FA Cup, most recently in the 2002/03 season, but have yet to better this.  Rochdale, better known by their nickname 'the Dismembered Zombie Corpses', also find themselves haunting League Two after relegation last season.  The blazon on the club's arms reads 'argent a woolpack encircled by two branches of the cotton tree flowered and conjoint proper; a bordure sable charged with eight martlets of the field; and for a crest on a wreath of the colours a mill-rind sable and above a fleece argent banded or.'  Which is pretty damn creepy in itself.  The side were knocked out by Bradford at this stage last year and Captain Peter Cadaver will be keen to lead his side further this time around.
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Terrifying odds on this result: 9/5


Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win
Boo!lton started the season in frighteningly poor form which led to the beheading of Owen Coyle.  Dougie Freedman has come in from Crystal Palace insisting his new side can still manage promotion this season, but his chances of taking the Trotters back to the Premiership looked grim last weekend after a 2-1 defeat at Middlesbrough.  In spite of sitting 18th in the table, Bolton have actually faired well at the Reebok Stadium, with only one loss and three wins at home.  Meanwhile, Cardiff have been terrifying all other teams in the Championship this season and some have even suggested an alliance with Lucifer himself, evident by their change to blood red strips and proud display of the dragon on their badge.  And by some, I mean 'no one.'  A 4-0 win over Burnley last weekend gave them a seventh straight home victory, but their away form has been scaring Bluebirds fans, with three losses on the road this season.  They will be relying upon top scorer Peter Witchingham to provide the tricks and treats.    
Reliability pumpkins: 6/10
Horrific odds on this result: 13/10


Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw
Off to Beaster Road now as second-top meets second-bottom in the SPHelL.  Manager Bat Fenlon has turned his side's fortunes around this season after an 11th place league finish last season.  Hibs are just two points from the top of the table and comfortably won their last league match 4-0 against someone or another, I won't go into details... The Hibees are unbeaten at home this season but have lost three on their travels.  St Mirren, although finding themselves at the wrong end of the table, are only actually three points from 5th place Inverness.  Having lost their last three games, they will be keen to get their season back on track and may be filled with confidence by a penalty win over Aberdeen in their midweek cup fixture.  Their only away win this season was over relegation-fodder Dundee but captain Jim Goblin insists that his side have improved dramatically since last season  
Reliability pumpkins: 3/10
Blood-curdling odds on this result: 23/10


Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win
Or should that be Fred West Ham vs Scary Man-chester City?  The Hammers wos 'ere last week when they were told to beat Wigan but defied my orders.  That loss left them in 9th place in the Premiership but they needn't be too downhearted, as they are only a point away from fellow Londoners Arsenal in 6th place.  Manager Summer of Sam Allardyce (to keep the serial killer theme going) has predicted that Andy Christmas Carroll (hang on, I'm getting my festivities confuddled...) will start to bang in the goals soon, could he start this weekend?  Current Premiership champions City will be hopeful of a win to keep the pressure on leaders Chelsea.  Their city rivals defeated the top team last week to narrow the gap at the top, and both Manchester teams are eyeing up the top-spot like a vampire checking out the necks of some particularly long-necked victims.  Carlos Tevez scored the only goal against Swansea last weekend and boss Rubber toe Mankini will be expecting his forwards to devour goals (and possibly brains) this Saturday.
Reliability pumpkins: 7/10
Tortured odds on this result: 4/6


Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win
And a short trip across the capital brings us to Wes Craven Cottage, home of Fulham.  The Cottagers performed well last season, finishing 9th under the management of Martin Ghoul.  If they can maintain their current form, Fulham could well be challenging for a Europa League spot come the end of the season.  But as is always the case with an in-form side, vultures begin to circle... Captain Brede Hangman-land has been targeted by a mystery 'top six side' and the gaffer may be tempted to cash-in on the defender come January.  Everton are another side currently in fine form.  Traditionally, the Toffee-apples struggle at the start of the season and make a late push resulting in a European spot.  But this season, Moyes and co. have started early with four wins out of nine taking them to fifth place.  Last week saw them draw 2-2 with fierce rivals Liver(and some fava beans with a nice Chianti)pool.  The visitors will benefit from the return of midfielder Steven Pienaarcissisticrampagingkillerghostzombievamppirebeast. 
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Eerie odds on this result: 8/5


Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win
Doncaster were relegated from the Championship last season amidst financial difficulties, with their future looking rather bleak.  But things have brightened up, with the club gaining a 99 year lease on their Keepmoat Stadium and challenging for the top-spot in League One. Rovers boss Dean Saunders says "I'll be treating this game as though it was a league game because we're on a good run of form at the moment" before cackling wildly, pulling a cape across his face and vanishing in a puff of smoke.  Bradford PA (no relation to Magnum PI) currently ply their trade in the Conference North having gained promotion from the West Yorkshire under-12s Subbuteo League last season.  In last seasons first round FA Cup tie, they were thrashed 8-1 by the mighty AFC Totton.  But they do have a strong squad, including U2 bassist Adam Clayton, the Fast and the Furious actor Paul Walker and renowned Cretan lyra player Ross Daly.  None of this is very spooky... Em, wooooooooooo? 
Reliability pumpkins: 8/10
Gruesome odds on this result: 3/10


Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Another apparition in The Grambler for York City, who hail from a town known as being amongst England's most haunted.  Sounds like a job for Derek Pakora!  City sit eleven places ahead of their opponents in the league but have not been too convincing at home.  York manager Gary Mills has this week described the FA Cup as 'magical', whilst rubbing his hands together and salivating at the thought of it.  Expect him to all Gollum should he ever get his hands on the trophy.  Dons manager Neil Ardley (I'm sure there must be a spooky pun in there... 'Ardley alive?  'Ardley breathing?  Something like that.) knows that Wimbledon are the underdogs, describing his team as a 'work in progress.'  Like a Frankenstein or summat.  The Wombles have just two wins away from home this season, but the FA Cup always throws up some minor upsets so who knows?  
Reliability pumpkins: 4/10
Hair-raising odds on this result: 10/3

So there you go.  Too late for Halloween but it didn't stop me forcing as many crap puns in as possible.  Total odds for this week are a ghastly 518/1.

And here is a bonus football related Halloween joke for your enjoyment.  Feel free to use it.

Q: Why did the werewolf fail to gain international recognition, despite finishing the season with a respectable 17 goals in 41 appearances for his club side and being nominated for both the PFA and Football Writers Player of the Year awards?

A: I'm not sure.

Happy (late) Grambleween!