Week 36: What the Hell do we do now!?

You may recall last season ending in rather dramatic fashion with that Aguero stoppage type goal against QPR prising the title from the clutches of Manchester United.  Well, this season is slightly different.  The relegation spots are filled, the title has been decided, runners-up are already in place and unless something ridiculous happens, Chelsea have have third sewn up.  So the only matter of interest is the race for fourth place.  Can you feel the excitement?  No, neither can I.  

There are of course play-off finals taking place which are far more exciting. With places up for grabs in the Championship and Premiership, Brentford will take on Yeovil tomorrow and Crystal Palace play Watford a week on Monday respectively.  And of course the Champions League final takes place next weekend so there is still something to look forward to.  But then, a whole summer without football!  Nooooooooooooooo!

This week's Grambler is made up entirely from Premiership games.  We have the usual three game accumulator and since it's the last round of games of the season... The Super Mega Awesome Grambler!  A ten game accumulator attempting to pick the winners of every Premiership games at random...  This is the bet that will prove whether there really are any footballing Gods supporting The Grambler!

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland - Home win - 2/7

West Brom vs Man Utd - Draw - 29/10

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Away win - 11/20

£1 @ 7/1

Oddly, The Grambler has managed to choose the only two games that actually matter in this accumulator, adding a little excitement to the proceedings.  Spurs will be hopeful of bettering Arsenal's result to pinch fourth place and the delicious Champions League football that comes with it.  Sunderland do not need to achieve anything following Wigan's midweek relegation but manager and horrible fascist (lest we forget) Paulo Di Canio might still have to prove to some supporters that he is the man to lead them next season.  Tickets are allegedly changing hands for thousands of pounds ahead of West Brom's tie against Man Utd.  This will of course be Sir Alex Ferguson's last game in charge and perhaps we should expect him to round off an illustrious career with a win.  The Baggies have also had a reasonable season and a point against the Champions would conclude things nicely.  Arsenal travel to Tyneside needing a win to secure fourth spot in the league but given the right results elsewhere, could force a 3rd/4th place play-off with Chelsea.  It is highly unlikely, however.  Newcastle will be relieved to find themselves safe having unexpectedly been dragged into a relegation fight towards the end of the season.  As with most teams at this stage of the season, they will no doubt still send out a strong starting line-up with instructions to win purely for the purposes of selling season tickets for next year.

Super Mega Awesome Grambler! accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Chelsea vs Everton - Home win - 8/11

Liverpool vs QPR - Draw - 6/1

Man City vs Norwich - Home win - 1/3

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Draw - 18/5

Southampton vs Stoke - Away win - 4/1

Swansea vs Fulham - Home win - 4/5

Spurs vs Sunderland - Draw - 5/1

West Brom vs Man Utd - Away win - 5/6

West Ham vs Reading - Home win - 4/6

Wigan vs Aston Villa - Away win - 13/5

50p @ 44,048/1

Check out those odds!  I am genuinely excited by this bet!  It is so horrendously wrong that it has to be right!  What a perfect way to round of the season that would be too.  I can then sell my story to the Daily Record or some equally poor 'newspaper', write the Grambler book over the summer, start recording my Christmas single in Autumn and by the end of the year, an estimated £1.6 million will on it's way to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research!  Not that I'm setting my hopes unreasonably high or anything...

We shall return next week for the final Grambler of the season, a Champions League special. And then, who knows...?

STOP PRESS!!!!
Exciting news as I have decided to add a Eurovision bet to this week's proceedings!  The Grambler has selected Russia, who this year shall be represented by Dina Garipova singing What If (which turns out not to be a Lightning Seeds cover).  I'm not sure about this choice... Russia were robbed last year as the singing grannies of Buranovskiye Babushki were by far the best act of the night but failed to take the gong, maybe this could be their year?  The Russian entry is 16/1 to win outright so I have bet a quid each way and any winnings will go to the usual charidee.  Here is Miss Garipova in action for those of you curious enough...

Week 27: Vote Grambler for President of Venezuela!

Still buzzing from the success of The Gramblerzghi last weekend, I have become all the more determined to win some bets and send the proceeds over to the Bobby Moore Fund to assist in the war against bowel cancer; a war which has raged on for 87 years during which time a number of frankly unspeakable war crimes have been committed.

This determination has brought a massive realisation during a brief moment of clarity. In the old format, I did not win very much. With that in mind, famous popular music singer David Bowie has announced "The Grambler is ch-ch-ch-changing.". Poor old guy never did get round to working on that stutter...

So instead of one highly unlikely bet, we now have one highly unlikely bet plus two potential (but unlikely) winners.  The odds on the second and third bets are rather low but any winnings are good winnings.  So without much Freddy Adu, I present to you the all new Grambler (which I'll probably only stick with for one week before becoming lazy and complacent.)

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game, Result, Odds
Stranraer vs Albion Rovers, Home win, 7/10
Scunthorpe vs Coventry, Home win, 2/1
Peterborough vs Ipswich, Away win, 2/1
Birmingham vs Derby, Home win, 13/8
St Johnstone vs Kilmarnock, Home win, 10/11
50p @ 76/1

Bet the first is pretty much the same as the usual farfetched Grambler bet.  Once again, a win looks unlikely here... Perhaps 3 out of the 5 will come out correct.  However, whilst said scenario is possibly the best outcome, them pets don't win prizes as Dale Winton used to say... Actually, I'm not sure that he ever did say that.  I was about to Tweet him and ask but the only accounts for him seem to be fake. So I tweeted original PWP host Danny Baker instead.  


Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game, Result, Odds
Man City vs Barnsley, Home win, 1/7
West Brom vs Swansea, Home win, 29/20
Norwich vs Southampton, Draw, 12/5
50p @ 9/1

Our second bet aims to make The Grambler a touch more exciting by focusing purely on the Bestest League in the World.  For most people, the Premiership represents more exciting football than Torquay vs Accrington Stanley.  So by placing a bet only on Premiership games, the weekend may not be ruined even though the early kick off League Two game has already lost the main bet.  The FA Cup includes many top tier teams this weekend so these games have been included, hence the presence of Barnsley. The bet is not too shabby; Man City are the clear favourites in their match, West Brom have tremendous home form behind them and both Norwich and Southampton are prone to draws.  I should really have included a joke about Tevez putting City in the driving seat just there...

Bet 3: Three man anytime goalscorer accumulator from the Premiership
Player, Odds
Romelu Lukaku, 6/5
Edin Dzeko, 8/13
Steven Fletcher, 6/4
50p @ 8/1

Mixing things up a little, we have a goalscorer bet for the first time ever.  This is a historical moment, perhaps on as par with the moment that the Pope assassinated Trotsky on the moon.  Picked via random number generator from a list of all Premiership players to have scored 5 or more goals this season, the results are interesting.  West Brom's on-loan Lukaku has been in good form recently, whilst Dzeko can be good for a goal if Man City are in control...  The main problem is that he may not start.  Finally, Sunderland's Steve Fletcher has 10 goals thus far, most of which have come at home.  Unfortunately they are away to Ol' Melty Face Redknapp's QPR this afternoon.  Still, this bet may just make this afternoon's Grambling that little bit more enthralling.


A massive total of £48.50 up for grabs today from a £1.50 bet.  Should this format come anywhere close to success I'll be sticking to it.  Otherwise, I'll be doing a Cardinal Keith and pretending that this never happened...

Happy Gramblin!

Week 13: Unlucky for some...

If you happen to suffer from triskaidekaphobia, this is not going to be your week.  Similarly, if you happen to enjoy accurate predictions from betting websites, this is not going to be your week.  Also, if you happen to be Nadine Dorries, this is not going to be your week.

Last week was terrible; there is no disguising that.  But one only has to glance at the midweek European results to realise that absolutely anything can happen in the glorious game of football - Portuguese minnows Académica defeated Europa League and UEFA Super Cup champions Atlético Madrid... Little known Scottish club Celtic defeated the omnipotent Barcelona... And perhaps most shockingly, Dundee United were victorious against Motherwell.  Seriously, I know it's hard to believe but it happened.  Look it up if you don't believe me!

We have a massive SEVENTY games to choose from this week, with a handful of games thrown in from the Capital One Cup and the Scottish FA Cup ('Mon the Inverurie Locos!)  To find out who The Grambler selected, press the hash key... now!

Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Bromwich Albion
Prediction: Draw
West Brom are this season's unexpected high-fliers.  They are currently 5th in the Premiership, level on points with Everton in 4th place.  Under the leadership of Steve Clarke, they have only lost one game at home.  However, their away record is less positive, with only two points from four games.  Wigan will be looking to avoid the relegation scuffle this year and their boss Roberto Martinez is already receiving plaudits for results this season, which have included away wins at Spurs and Southampton.  A number of commentators have stated throughout the week that Liverpool should really have pursued their interest in Martinez rather than turning to Brendan Rodgers in the summer.  Rumour has it the Spaniard could still be set for a move from the DW Stadium though, this time for Major League Soccer.  A newly formed team made up of Native American Indians are looking to appoint a head-coach.  With Roberto at the helm, it could be a good début season for Wigwam Athletic.  Sorry...  I'm not really.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 2: Manchester City vs Tottenham Hotspur
Prediction: Home win
Why, hello again Manchester City, you're looking well!  A second appearance in a row for the Sky Blues, last week they failed to win despite The Grambler telling me that they should.  They have home advantage this weekend and have yet to lose at the Etihad Stadium in the league this season, with four victories and a draw to their name.  City continued their woeful European form on Tuesday evening, coming back from 2-0 down to scrape a draw with popular cleaning product Ajax.  They are currently bottom of Group D, also known as THE GROUP OF HORRIBLY PAINFUL AND ELONGATED DEATH, and with progression looking unlikely, fans will be expecting more from the domestic competitions.  Spurs look likely to be in for another season of chasing 4th place, having slipped to 6th last weekend with a calamitous defeat at home to the aforementioned Wogan Athletic.  Manager Andre Villas Boas is already coming in for a hard time with many sections of the media, and this is probably little to do with results and more to do with him replacing media-darling 'Arry Redknapp, everyone's favourite tax-evading Cockney.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 4/7

Game 3: Southend United vs Port Vale
Prediction: Away win
Southend have had a mixed season so far, with the exact same form at home as away from home; three wins, two draw and three losses.  This is not necessarily bad form but suggests that home advantage means very little, and fans would have been somewhat embarrassed to watch their side lose 1-0 at home to bottom side Aldershot a few weeks back.  They will be missing two key players in Anthony Straker, who has been called up for international duty with Grenada, and Neil Harris, out with a knee injury.  Interesting if slightly irrelevant piece of trivia of the week: Ian Tomlinson, who infamously died following an 'altercation' with the police, was wearing a t-shirt featuring a tribute to Neil Harris when the incident occurred.  True story.  Port Vale will be hopeful of keeping the pressure on runaway league leaders Gillingham with another away win.  Their travelling form has been impressive, with five wins from eight on the road.  They are also the only team in British football to have adopted a pretzel as a team emblem. 
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 2/1

Game 4: Celtic vs St Johnstone
Prediction: Home win
It has been a good week for Celtic fans; the club celebrated its 125th anniversary, defeated Barcelona in the Champions League and, probably most importantly, this arrived in the club shop.  I love a good football related Christmas gnome, I do!  Most people will look at this game and think that a win for Celtic is foregone conclusion, but the Hoops are prone to the odd slip-up following a good result in Europe.  For example: Just this season, following a good 2-0 victory over futuristic vampire-slayers Helsingborgs which led Celtic to the Champions League group stages, the team went on to draw with Hibs at home and then lose their next game away from home, one of only two league defeats this season.  Their opponents on that occasion?  St Johnstone.  The Saints are one of a host of clubs hoping to take advantage of Rangers' demise this season and finish in the fabled second spot of the SPL (yes, Scottish football is really that sad.)  But their form has been a little inconsistent of late.  A record-equalling 5th straight league win in a row (last achieved by the Perth side in 1971) has been followed by a 1-1 draw with Inverness and an inevitable defeat at Motherwell.  Steve Lomas will be hoping for a tired or over-confident Celtic side.
Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 2/9

Game 5: Elgin City vs Berwick Rangers
Prediction: Draw
I cannot claim to have such a high level of knowledge when it comes to either of these teams but one thing I am certain is true, football is not such a big deal in Elgin.  In fact, participation in the sport pales in comparison to the most popular past-time (as I understand it): Marbles.    In spite of this, the football team has been doing rather well this year and may have been leading the division had it not been for some young upstarts coming along with their franchise and beating almost everyone.  At home, they have only been defeated once in a 5-1 thrashing at the hands of Rangers Franchise #1 PLC FC.  Berwick meanwhile are sitting 6th in the table and have been good at home, remaining unbeaten in five games.  Their away form has let them down however, with one point at Queens Park two weeks ago their only gain on their travels.  Manager Ian Little may have worked with some of the biggest pop acts of the day in the 1980s but his focus is now on taking his Rangers side up the leagues.  A play-off spot in the Third Division is not so far out of reach.  
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 14/5

Game 6: Partick Thistle vs Dunfermline Athletic
Prediction: Away win
This is probably the most exciting Grambler selected game of the week... No, I'm being a serious!  A proper top of the table clash and one which will play a huge part in the fight for promotion to the SPL this season.  Some of you may have been reading a number of weeks ago when Partick Thistle made an appearance.  At the time, they had a 100% home record, and this is still the case.  However, after one win from the last four games, they have slipped to 2nd place in the First Division... Behind Dunfermline Athletic!  The Pars have only lost one game this season and have a tremendous record of four wins and one draw away from Dens Park.  The two teams already met on Dunfermline's patch earlier in the season, when the Maryhill side enjoyed a 1-0 victory.  "We want to try and take the three points back that they took off us at East End Park" said Pars manager Jim Jefferies enthusiastically.  Well I say enthusiastically, anyone who has ever heard Jefferies talk will know that he sounded like he had a noose around his neck...
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 21/10

Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Anyone else getting a feeling of deja vu?  I think I might be in the Matrix and suddenly the world around me seems very late nineties... Everyone is listening to nu-metal and wearing overly baggy jeans and... Why is there a ridiculously wooden actor next to me saying "wooooooaaaaah!" at everything and anything?  Confused?  You should be!  For you see, this exact same fixture happened last week, with The Grambler selecting it... With AFC Wimbledon to be victorious... As Game 7... Wooooooaaaaah!  It was, of course, an incorrect prediction.  In the meantime, both clubs have played a midweek fixture, with York fairing slightly better than their opponents.  The home-side played Northampton and a 1-1 draw has kept them in 10th place, still close enough that they can smell a play-off place.  And it smells like roast chicken.  Wombledon meanwhile lost their Tuesday night encounter with Exeter 2-0 and manager Neil Ardley has called for hard work and desire from his relegation-threatened team.  "There has to be hard work and desire" he told reporters who went on to report his quotes in a variety of media outlets.
Reliability balls: 3/10
Odds on this result: 16/5

Overall, we could have done a lot worse with this week's predictions.  Our combined odds this week are a plentiful 968/1.  A high number of away wins is never a good sign but I am filled with confidence that we can do it this week, and it would be a fitting tribute to Jack Duckworth who was a devoted fan of The Grambler.  Possibly.

Week 8 Results: Different recipe, same great taste!

It would appear that at some point over the weekend, I pressed a big red button which said 'do not press' quite clearly on it and somehow managed to destroy this here website.  Thankfully, the world is still intact and all of the text still existed (there is no way I was re-writing that jibberish) but I had deleted the entire template.  Having spent the past few days rebuilding, I would like to introduce you to the new, improved Grambler!*  There is also now a frequently asked questions page (click over there somewhere).  If you have a question which you would like to frequently ask, feel free to use the comments section, send a message via the Facebook page or alternatively write it on a blank postcard and send to: 

KFC Customer Services
PO Box 57984
London W4 9AX

Back to the business at hand...   It was an average week for The Grambler with three of the seven results correct.  But it was an exciting weekend nonetheless, with 26 goals shared between the 14 teams involved.  That may be a Grambler record, I would check but I can't be bothered.  

*May not actually be improved in any way.

Game 1: Airdrie United vs Hamilton Acidemical
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Hamilton had yet to record a league win this season as they visited the Excelsior stadium, which is either named for one of the largest gems ever found or a ship in Star Trek.  Since Airdrie are nicknamed the DIAMONDS, I'm going to assume it's the latter.  But I digress.  Accies dominated the first half but Airdrie nearly took the lead following the restart; a Stephen Hendrie back-pass was intercepted but Kevin Cuthbert did well to save.  This was to be the home side's only shot on target though, and in the 66th minute, Hamilton finally took the lead with Ali Crawford scoring his 4th of the season.  Six minutes later and the lead was doubled via a Louis Longridge header.  Stevie May, who appears to be related to Brian going by the hair alone, scored in the 83rd minute to make the score 'realistic' according to the Accies' website; they fail to confirm whether they are referring to philosophical, scientific or socio-political realism.  St Johnstone loanee May then rounded off a good day with a second from the penalty spot, the first spot-kick Hamilton have been awarded for forty games apparently.

Game 2: West Bromwich Albion vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Draw ( x )

West Brom continued their fine start the season with a win at the Hawthorns.  And it didn't take long to get the ball rolling, with midfielder and unbearably mediocre singer James Morrison notching the first on 5 minutes.  After 22 minutes, the hosts were two-up thanks to a goal from Zoltan Gera, the evil-looking-fortune-granting-whilst-unplugged-machine from Big.  Adel Taarabt pulled one back for Rangers before half-time but any chance of a come-back was buried when Congolese midfielder Youssouf Mulumbu swept in five minutes from time.  QPR did manage a late consolation via Esteban Granero, but Albion managed to hang on for the remaining seconds to record the win.  Man-of-the-match nominee Morrison made it into BBC correspondent Garth Crook's 'team of the week', alongside the outstanding claim that Roy Hodgson should be keeping an eye on him.  That would be Roy Hodgson, England manager, keeping tabs on Scott Morrison, capped 23 times by Scotland... This is the cutting-edge journalism that your licence fee is paying for!

Game 3: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
A sunny Autumnal day was not enough to bring out the crowds in Forfar - somehow Station Park defied all physical possibilities to host a crowd of minus 487 -  as the home side were edged out in another five goal thriller.  An early penalty was dispatched by Ryan McCord to put the visitors in front but the lead lasted just one minute as budget jeans salesman Danny Denholm levelled the score with a header.  The Wasps found themselves in front once more when defender Jason Marr scored his first goal for the club in the 22nd minute, and this time they managed to hold onto their lead for slightly longer; the score remaining the same as the players munched on their half-time bridies.  Eleven minutes from time and Denholm had once again pulled the home side level, a left-footed strike beating Alloa's Scott Bain.  But again, the reprieve was only temporary as just five minutes later Mark Docherty nodded the winner to seal the points for Paul Hartley's side.    
Sponsored link; For all your fashion needs, visit Danny Denholm's Discount Denims... The savings are in his jeans!     

Game 4: Chelsea vs Norwich City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Off the field, it has not been a great week for Chelsea.  Captain and alleged massive racist John Terry was found guilty of being an alleged massive racist whilst defender and all-round unlikeable guy Ashley Cole has been fined for calling the alleged bunch of twats at the FA a bunch of twats.  However, on the pitch it was back to business as usual.   It was a comfortable win for the league frontrunners, but it was Norwich who took the lead when Grant Holt drove in a 15 yard shot.  Fast-forward 20 minutes and any hope that City had of holding on to their lead had been demolished.  Fernando Torres headed an equaliser on 14 minutes and a trademark long-range strike from Frank Lampard put the blues in front.  Just after the half-hour mark, Eden Hazard put the home side comfortably in front, all of this in spite of a Ruddy good attempt from Norwich's goalie to keep them in the game.  Norwich had some chances in the second half through counter-attacks but failed to find the net and force a way back into the game.  Branislav Ivanovic made sure of the three points when he drilled in the fourth with 15 minutes remaining.  And for all of you football trivia fans; Ivanovic once challenged Deep Blue to a game of Buckaroo and won.

Game 5: Millwall vs Bolton Wanderers 
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Defeat at Millwall proved to be the last straw for the Bolton board, with Owen Coyle losing his job in the aftermath.  And what a cruel way for the manager to go, with a 90th minute goal winning the tie for the Lions as well as a missed penalty that could have granted the visitors a win.  Millwall started well and early on Danny Shittu had a goal ruled out by the officials.  I Shittu not, a push on the goalkeeper was spotted by the referee and the home-side were denied the lead.  Shortly after, they made amends when Darius Henderson's shot deflected into the net past a sprawling Adam Bogdan, whom I swear was in Harry Potter.  Five minutes after half-time, Chris Eagles levelled the game; a soaring shot from the winger flew past the flapping keeper and nested in the net (because he has a name what is like a bird, see?)  Eagles was then given the chance to put his side in front from the spot after a foul from Jimmy Abdou, but he blazed the kick over the bar.  And in the last minute of the game, Henderson grabbed his second whilst moistening the seal on the envelope containing Coyle's P45 (not literally, that would just have been weird.)     

Game 6: Leyton P&O vs Sheffield United
Prediction: Home win ( x )
There is not a great deal to say about this game... A lucklustre first half by all accounts ended with neither team threatening to score, the only reportable incident was an injury to  Blades keeper Mark Howard which forced the introduction of  18 year old keeper George Long.  The second half saw slightly more action and just before the hour mark, Nick Blackman scored a stunning match-winner from 25 yards.  Kevin Lisbie could have equalised for Orient, but his shot was well-saved by Long.  Following the match, Orient's chairman Barry Hearn resumed his mental claims that the club should move to the Olympic Stadium instead of West Ham, stating that the club will not exist in five years time unless they move and rename themselves London Orient (catchy).  Apparently Mr Hearn made his fortune as an accountant.  Then went bankrupt.  Then somehow made another fortune  as an accountant.  So he should be able to complete this quick maths puzzle; Saturday's match was attended by 4,882 fans.  Of these, 1,253 were Sheffield United fans.  The Olympic Stadium has a capacity of 80,000.  Showing your working, please calculate WHY THE FECK ANYONE WOULD THINK THIS IS A POSSIBLY GOOD IDEA!? 

Game 7: Brentford vs Crawley Town
Prediction: Away win ( x )
In the first of two ties taking place between these two sides this week, Brentford emerged as winners thanks to a Clayton Donaldson double.  Brentford started the game well with 'Harry Forrester playing like a conductor controlling an orchestra in the first quarter and the rest of the Brentford players playing his tune while Crawley stood and admired.'  Thank you to the wannabe poet who does the Brentford match reports for that line.  Donaldson opened the scoring after 23 minutes when he slotted past Crawley keeper and former Manfredd Mann singer Paul Jones.  Nicky Adams gave the visitors hope with his goal in the 59th minute, having intercepted a poor back-pass.  But this was to be Crawley's only on-target shot of the game.  Donaldson secured the win with a neat chip in the 76th minute to move the Bees closer to the play-off spots.  And an insipid fact to round things off:  In what could be the most z-list celebrity coupling ever, Donaldson's partner is former Fame Academy contestant Pippa Fulton.  I bet you really wanted to know that.

So another week without a win.  From next week, I am thinking it might be a good idea to select my three favourite predictions (based on the reliability balls) and stick a separate bet on them as three correct seems to represent a good week.  Thus, the chances of raising money for those lovely Bobby Moore chaps would be increased.  Makes sense, no?

It is an international break once again this weekend, with a host of games taking place on Friday night.  I shall have the predictions online early on Friday morning for your enjoyment and/or ridicule.

"A frog in a well does not know the great sea."

-Ancient Japanese Proverb

(Nota bene: In this week's Rather Pointless Quote of the Week, The Grambler is 'the frog', 'the well' is the world of football betting and 'the great sea' is Scunthorpe.)

Week 8: The most accurate predictions since Mr T predicted pain!

A Grambler walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "hang on, aren't you a spreadsheet?  Or at very best a figment of some idiot's imagination with personality characteristics reflected upon it via a poorly written football blog?"

The Grambler replied "shut up and give me a pint, you beer-mongering scallywag!"

The bartender duly pulls the customer a pint of locally-brewed, weak lager and it retires to a booth by the window.  After a couple of minutes of enjoying the pint and the dulcet tones of The Carpenters emanating from the nearby jukebox, The Grambler was shocked to find that his table had started to rotate wildly causing the lager to spill.  Frustrated, the dataset approached the bar and ordered another pint.  Retiring to another seat so as not to tempt fate, The Grambler places his pint on the table only for it to start spinning rapidly, throwing it's pint glass accross the room.  Trying one more time, as these jokes always seem to have three attempts prior to the punchline, it found the same scenario played out.

Angered by this inability to enjoy a quiet drink, The Grambler approaches the barman once more and says "what the ruddy 'eck is going on here?" (having suddenly taken on the persona of a Yorkshireman),  "I'm just trying to enjoy a drink and your furniture keeps rotating!"

"Ah, well..." starts the barman.  "Seeing as you are a piece of data software..."

"I thought you'd enjoy a pivot table!"

Yes that's right, I've lowered myself to spreadsheet humour!  So about those predictions...

Game 1: Airdrie United vs Hamilton Acidemical
Prediction: Home win 
Oh yes, it's the crap Lanarkshire teams derby!  Clydebank Franchise #1 FC have taken only one point from their last five league games despite a good start to the season, whereby they won their first two matches.  Manager Jimmy Boyle has bemoaned his sides defensive frailties, commenting that they aren't comfortable on the ball, give it away cheaply and need to improve.  "We aren't confident enough on the ball and give it away cheaply. We need to improve" he told reporters.  Hamilton Acidemical, whose name suggests highly intelligent players with a home strip of robes and mortar boards, have fared even worse in the league this season.  Taking just three points from seven games, Billy Reid's side sit second bottom of the  First Division.  Do you know what would cheer him up?  Watching footage of himself falling on his backside whilst trying to grab the top of the dugout shelter.  On repeat.

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/8

Game 2: West Bromwich Albion vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Draw
The first of two Premiership games this week sees high flying West Brom take on bottom side QPR.  The Baggies, named so for their love of early-90s dance orientated music primarily coming out of Manchester, have impressed from the off this season, with three wins and only one loss in their first six games.  Steve Clarke has generally spent his career as an assistant but is proving that he is no Maurice Malpas with West Brom's current form.  He has certainly come a long way since his Eastenders days.  QPR meanwhile, are crap.  Ludicrously rich chairman Tony Fernandes has put a fair amount of money into the club and Mark Hughes has decided that, instead of investing it in youth or lesser known talent, he would like to buy fifty odd has-beens and watch them lose on a weekly basis.  Sitting bottom of the league and with an unpredictable rich owner who appears to know very little about football?  Get your bets in for the first managerial casualty of the season!  A draw is the best we can hope for, but even that seems unlikely.

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 11/4

Game 3: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
Yaaaaas, sitting here writing this 'ere blog and True by Spandau Ballet has just come on t'radio!  Anyway, where was I?  Ah, Forfar vs Alloa... The battle of the Athletics... Is that a derby?  I'm going to say yes.  Hah, hah, hah, haaahaaahaaaa (damn, this is going to be stuck in my head all day.)  Anyhoo, Forfar are another in-form team with an impressive five wins and a draw form their last six.  If they keep up this form, manager Dick Campbell will be back on the karaoke!  Alloa are six points behind their opponents with a reasonable three wins and a draw from their seven games.  They have good away form too, winning two thirds of their games on the road.  The last time the two sides met at Station Park, Forfar were comfortable winners with a 3-1 victory, could the Wasps be out for revenge?    Saxophone solo!

Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 13/5

Game 4: Chelsea vs Norwich City
Prediction: Home win
The current European Champions take on take on the current... em, Norwich.  Chelsea are unbeaten this season and have only dropped two points in a 0-0 draw with QPR.  Their impressive run has been aided by recent(ish) acquisitions of Eden Hazzard and Juan Mata.  They could have been joined by Athletico Madrid's Radamel Falcao but he went all Elvis Costello on them.  Norwich have not been having such a great time this season.  Last season, they exceeded expectations under Paul Lambert (let's see that again!), but since his departure for Aston Villa and the subsequent appointment Chris Hughton, they have failed to impress.  Currently sitting in the relegation zone with a poor three points from six games, the mustard-mongers could already be candidates for relegation already.  In case you can't tell, 'monger' is my affix of the week.

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 2/9

Game 5: Millwall vs Bolton Wanderers 
Prediction: Home win
"No one likes us, we don't care" so goes the old Millwall ditty.  Well they should care, because Craig Noone seems like a thoroughly decent bloke.  Millwall have been sulking around the bottom half of the Championship for the past two seasons and currently sit in the relegation zone with just eight points from nine games.  And thanks to manager Kenny Jackett, Millwall are the proud recipients of The Grambler's Childish Giggle of the Week award.  Bolton wandered out of the Premiership at the end of last season and don't look like they'll be making a quick return.  Former 'brilliant up-and-coming young manager' turned 'mediocre not-really-going-anywhere-fast middle-aged manager' Owen Coyle seems to have taken to blaming referees for his failures and his side are currently just three points ahead of Millwall.  And worse still for the boss, he is struggling to pay off his debt of raw materials to the spring factory.  That's right, he's owing coil (this joke is copyrighted and I will sue if you try to use it without prior written consent.)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 15/8

Game 6: Leyton Orient vs Sheffield United
Prediction: Home win
According to reliable sources (Wikipedia), Leyton Orient took their name from their founder who had worked for the Orient Shipping Company.  Initially called Clapton Orient, reflecting their home-town, the side moved to Leyton after the second World War therefore becoming Leyton Orient.  As the Orient Shipping Company was taken over by P&O, they should really be called Leyton P&O so that is how they shall be referred to by me for the rest of my life.  Please do join me in this campaign.  P&O currently sit right in the middle of League One (technically that would mean 12.5th) and have a home record of two wins and two losses.  Sheffield United have fared slightly better and are one of three teams to remain unbeaten in League One thus far.  The Blades (named so because of their fans love of Wesley Snipes) have won two and drawn three on their travels.  Could they put in a blunt performance this week?  Call it a stab in the dark, but I think this could be a winner.  Manager Danny Wilson could soon be for the chop.  Their strikers have been known to slice their shots.  I could go on....

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 7: Brentford vs Crawley Town
Prediction: Away win
And finally we arrive in Brentford, a suburb of London which is famous for housing the headquarters of the Tie Rack.  And possibly some other stuff.  The football team have spent most of their existence dithering about the third tier of English football and currently sit tenth in the division with fourteen points.  The Bees' manager Uwe Rösler says "in the last few games we have had problems up front and haven't had too many chances."  They could learn a lot from their manager, who was the Premiership top scorer back in 1996... In a game of Championship Manager I once played...  Paired up front with Stefan Kuntz... Crawley have slowly been creeping up the table this season (the joke there was creepy-crawly in case you missed it).  They have perhaps been the surprise package in League One, with nineteen points in their ten games since promotion.  Top scorer and captain Gary Alexander will be hoping to make an impression against his former club.  I've heard he does a good Columbo. 

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5

The Grambler has spoken!  Go now and place your bets, lest ye be smited by the Great Grambling One!  Total odds for this week are 1,523/1!

Did you notice that this week's effort was on time?  Don't get too used to it... I shall be back between the hours of 9 a.m. Sunday and 11.30 p.m. Wednesday with the results.  I call it 'Royal Mail timing.' 

Week 7 results: My dog has no nose!

"How does it smell?"

"Like despair, defeat, crushing failure after crushing failure... Much like The Grambler.  Also, a little bit oniony."

Another week, another missed opportunity to cure bowel cancer via the awesome power of Grambling.  Odds were down on previous weeks by about three quarters, suggesting that there was a slim chance of victory.  But as usual, I sat at home on Monday morning in my underpants crying into my Cheerios whilst reading the results and realising that it would be at least another week before I could retire on the back of winning about £500.

Here are some fatuities:

Game 1: Exeter City vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Exeter set the mood for the weekend with a loss at home to Bristol rovers, with the home side handing the visitors two goals on a plate or similar serving dish.  Bristol, who gave a first start to wasted-talent and utter bawbag Derek Riordan, opened the scoring early on when Exeter's Craig Woodman cleared the ball straight to Rovers striker David Clarkson.  The former Motherwell favourite made no mistake from close-range (also, despite what his name may suggest, there is no evidence to prove that he is the offspring of the eponymous singer whose band of five knocked The Beatles off the top of the chart with Glad All Over).  The Grecians had their share of chances to draw level but the score was to remain the same until the break.  After the restart, nothing of note happened  (with the exception of this week's Name of the Week winner Fabian Broghammer picking up a booking) until the 66th minute, when Jamie Cureton equalised from inside the Rovers penalty box.  This was to be a short-lived reprieve though, as two minutes later an attempted pass-back from Tommy Doherty was intercepted by Eliot Richards who calmly slotted home the winner.   

Game 2: Cardiff City vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Meanwhile in Wales, Cardiff were giving The Grambler some false hope with a comfortable win over Blackpool.  Matthew Connolly opened the scoring with his first of the season, and first for the Redbirds, from a David Bellamy cross.  Peter Whittingham  doubled the home side's lead inside the half hour with a trademark free-kick.  In the second half, Connolly sealed the win with his second, heading home from another Bellamy cross.  Interesting fact for all you Matthew Connolly fans; his name is an anagram of Owl Latency Month, a festival celebrated every March by nocturnal bird and computer science enthusiasts the world over.  As for Blackpool?  Well let's just say that they failed to illuminate.  They were under the pier.  It looks like another roller-coaster season for them.  Cardiff towered above them.  They played like donkeys.  They cannot say that life is a beach.  They were all at sea.  They have hit rock bottom.   They failed to put on a show.  They shan't be promenading through town.  I could go on....

Game 3: Oldham Athletic vs Coventry City
Prediction: Away win  ( ✔ )
A second correct prediction as Oldham lived up to their name by playing like... ageing meat-produce?  Paul Dickov's side were unlucky not to take at least a point with one chance rebounding off the post, two cleared off the line and two strong penalty claims denied before they eventually succumbed to a 90th minute Coventry goal.  In a game which could have gone either way, Cody McDonald scored the decisive goal late on, stooping to head in a Jamie Reckford cross.  McDonald claimed that it was 'a weight off the players shoulders' to get their first three points whilst speaking to the Coventry Telegraph, who went with the rather predictable headline 'Cody Breaker.'  Personally, I would have gone for something far more contrived, like 'The Da WINci Cody.'  Any newspaper writers out there fancy giving me a job?  No?  

Game 4: Nottingham Forest vs Derby County
Prediction: Draw ( x )
In the East Midlands derby, there was a victory for Derby... Much to the delight of Josie d'Arby...  Who drives a Volkswagen Derby...  The main talking point of the game was the sending off of former Rams player Dexter Blackstock for an elbow on Richard Keogh.  Forest manager Sean O'Driscoll defended his man, saying that whilst there was contact, it was clearly accidental.  It was the forth sending off in four games between the two clubs.  Blackstock himself took to Twitter to apologise to the fans, saying "sorry for letting the side down but I only had my eyes on the ball and never ever tried to elbow him gutted".  In my opinion, he should have his ban doubled for complete disregard of punctuation.  Derby took advantage of having an extra man ten minutes later when Craig Bryson tapped in from six yards.  The victory allowed Derby to retain the Brian Clough trophy, an award contested between the two sides transformed by the legendary manager.  Not to be confused with the Brian Cloth trophy, awarded to people called Brian in the textiles industry.

Game 5: Ayr United vs Brechin City
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Ayr overcame a shaky start to take all three points and keep a clean sheet for the first time this season.  Brechin were awarded a penalty in the 15th minute when Austin McCann was adjudged to have handled the ball inside his area.  McCann was sent for an early bath, but City failed to capitalise from the resultant penalty as Andrew Jackson's shot was saved  by the Honest Men's honest man Alistair Brown.  Surprisingly, United commanded the play despite their disadvantage and took the lead when Michael Moffat (who seems to have a shady past having murdered Shirley Bassey's daughter) dinked the ball over the onrushing keeper.  Ayr doubled their lead in the second half when Marc Twaddle headed in from a corner.  Interesting fact for all the Marc Twaddle fans; Marc thinks that Denzil Washington could play him in a movie of his life.  I'm not sure but I think there might be a small likeness problem in this scenario...  United completed the rout when midfielder, and Professor of Pathology and Co-Director of the Paul F. Glenn Laboratories for the Biological Mechanisms of Aging at Harvard Medical School, David Sinclair notched a goal on the rebound.

Game 6: Livingston vs Dumbarton
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Jumping up a division and everyone's favourite cricketer turned referee George Salmond was in charge as Livingston thrashed their opponents.  There is definitely something fishy about him.  The first goal came in the 9th minute when Marc McNulty volleyed in from twelve yards.  This lead was doubled just three minutes later when Craig Barr headed home.  Dumbarton were then presented a chance to claw their way back into the game when awarded a spot-kick but Chris Turner fired past the post.  McNulty went on to score a second volley before half-time to all but seal the win.  But Livingston were not content with three and created plenty more chances in the second half.  Callum Booth, on loan from Hibs, scored the fourth after coming on as a substitute and a good day for Livi was rounded off with Keaghan Jacobs goal.  And just to bring things full-circle, Jacobs could have chosen to go into professional cricket rather than football.  Also, he is one of FOUR Jacobs brothers currently on Livingston's books.  They also make crackers.


Game 7: Aston Villa vs West Brom
Prediction: Home win ( x )

West Brom missed the chance to break into the top four of the Premiership as Villa scored a late equaliser and nearly managed a winner which would actually have made this a pretty good week.  The result provided plenty of childish giggles for the weekend, with the goals coming from Long and Bent (titter titter, chortle chortle).  Nothing appeared to happen in the first half so we'll just ignore it altogether.  The Baggies took the lead six minutes after the restart when James Morrison set-up Shane Long to tuck the ball into the net. You would have got Long odds on this happening... Darren Bent was introduced to the game with almost seventy minutes gone and took only ten minutes to make his mark.  The England striker scored from eight yards out to level the score and could have put his team in front before the full-time whistle but managed to shoot over the bar.  Paul Lambert would have been happy with his achieving a point following their recent poor-form, and just because I have not seen it in a while, here is a clip of the man himself falling on his erse whilst trying to take a corner. 

Hopefully that is enough nonsense to make up for the laziness of Friday's effort.  I am not bothering with the Champions League this time around as it is just another opportunity for me to waste time and money.  So sit back, relax and pour yourself an Ovaltine; It's the malty hot-drink that helps you ovulate!  (I have suggested this as a tagline to the company but they have not replied.) 

This coming weekend has some tasty fixtures, including Newcastle vs Man United, Bolton vs Leeds and Celtic vs Hearts.  So join me on Friday as I ignore all of these in favour of a wrong prediction for Torquay vs Aldershot.

Tenuously related quote of the day:

"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one."

               - The legendary Brian Clough

Week 7: Speeding towards the weekend like Andre Santos

(Insert laboured joke to get things started here)

Game 1: Exeter City vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Home win
(Insert derogatory comment about Mark McGhee here)

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 5/6


Game 2: Cardiff City vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
(Insert puns about Welshness and seaside holiday resorts here)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/10


Game 3: Oldham Athletic vs Coventry City
Prediction: Away win
(Insert terrible joke about dated meat products here)

Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 7/4


Game 4: Nottingham Forest vs Derby County
Prediction: Draw
(Insert tree-based puns here)

Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2


Game 5: Ayr United vs Brechin City
Prediction: Draw
(Insert interesting fact about nicknames derived from Burns poems here)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 14/5


Game 6: Livingston vs Dumbarton
Prediction: Home win
(Claim that Livingston defender Jesus Garcia Tena is actually the messiah here)

Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 1/2


Game 7: Aston Villa vs West Brom
Prediction: Home win
(Insert link to pretty awful French band called Aston Villa here)

Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 7/5

Total odds for this week = 554/1

(Insert claim that I will be on schedule with this week's post-match ramblings before ultimately failing to keep said promise)