Week 15: With 100% added bet!

It's been a sacktastic week in football as Roberto Di Matteo pipped Mark Hughes to become the first Premiership P45-recipient of the season.  Steve Rafa Benitez has already taken over at Chelsea in a move that has both SHOCKED and SURPRISED the footballing world.  And ol' stroke-features himself Harry Redknapp the Loveable Tax-Evader looks set to take the job at QPR.  Will these managerial changes make a difference?  Doesn't matter to me, whatever The Grambler says goes around these parts. 
  
I'm warning you now, we have a terrible bet this week.  I normally try to be as optimistic as possible regardless of the outcome, but it seems like The Grambler has just gone out of his/her/its way to be awkward this week and picked a set of results that are just not going to happen.  For that reason, I have provided a bonus bet at the end; one that can't possibly go wrong!  Unless of course it goes wrong...  As it inevitably will...  In which case it can go wrong...

Read on, my good man/woman/person!

Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Bolton Wanderers
Prediction: Home win
Sports teams are often associated with birds for a reason; they are graceful creatures which soar through the sky freely and can be mastered by no man.  In the world of basketball, you can find the Atlanta Hawks, named for a fierce creature known to tear apart it's prey.  In Rugby Union, the Newcastle Falcons, named for a bird known for its speed and razor-sharp talons.  And then in football, you can find Brighton: The Seagulls, known for being a disease-ridden nuisance that jobby on people's heads from a great height.  It is little surprise that they are not the most feared in the Championship.  But Brighton have been hanging around the top of the division for a number of seasons and currently find themselves 7th.  Some good wins this year have been offset by a few too many draws, but they are only twice defeated at home.  And whilst over-analysing animalistic nicknames, we have Bolton... In the Championship alone, you can find Lions, Wolves and Tigers.  And then you have the mighty... Trotters.  Invoking images of pigs waddling around a sty in their own faeces.  Fearsome!  Since Dougie Freedman's arrival as manager, Bolton have gone unbeaten but have drawn 75% of games under his rule.  There is huge potential for a draw here but I reckon the home-side might just win it.    
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 2: Swansea City vs Liverpool
Prediction: Draw
From Seagulls to Swans; the swan being a far more graceful bird and City have been one of the most graceful teams to, erm... grace the premiership in recent seasons.  Michael Laudrup's Swansea have carried over their good-form from last year's surprisingly good Premiership début and the team currently sit 10th in the league following a fine 2-1 victory over Newcastle last weekend.  Cap'n Ashley Williams has caused controversy this week with the well timed release of his book (seriously, does every footballer just automatically get a book deal these days?  Does anyone even know who Ashley Williams is?) featuring comments about wanting to 'knock-out' Luis Saurez for his diving.  Please do, Ashley.  Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers was dismissive of these jibes: "He's a good lad. Maybe it was something he didn't mean to get out there."  Yeah, because of course, if you didn't mean to get quotes out there, you would put them in a book...Liverpool will be looking to bounce back from a disappointing midweek draw against a bunch of young boys and could leapfrog their opponents in the Premiership table with a victory.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2


Game 3: East Fife vs Arbroath
Prediction: Home win
East Fife have not had the ideal start to the season.  Having been rooted to the bottom of the Second Division since the start of the season, they took just two points from the first eight games and endured a painful 5-1 defeat at Elgin.  Meanwhile, manager Gordon Durie had to take leave due to illness, leaving them manager-less.  Fortunately for East Fife, the appointment of Billy Brown earlier this month has brought some stability to the club and a 3-0 win over Albion Rovers last week has lifted them out of the relegation zone.  Unfortunately for East Fife, Bob Malcolm plays for them.  Arbroath are seven points ahead of their opponents in the league and have been in good form at home, winning four of six.  However, their away form has not been so good, with only one win in six attempts.   Arbroath have not lost a match to the Fifers since March 2010 and the teams have drawn three times in six ties since then.  Also, what do you call a pirates favourite football team?  Arrrrrrrbroath!
Reliability balls:
Odds on this result: 6/4


Game 4: Barnsley vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Draw
Or alternatively, Barrrrrrrrrrnsley!  The Tykes play host to second-placed Cardiff this weekend as they bid to move away from the relegation zone to the comfort of mid-table mediocrity.  Barnsley have played eight home games already this season, winning two, drawing three and losing three.  They have only managed to score six goals in their ties at Oakwell so do not expect a high-scoring game.  Débuts could be offered to their three new loan signings Emile Sinclair, Jonathan Greening and Akos Buzsaky. Cardiff are challenging for the top-spot and the chance to become the second Welsh team in the Premiership.  They currently sit two points from top side Crystal Palace and are looking for a third win in a row.  At home, City have a 100% record, but they appear to be complacent on the road and have amassed five losses away from home.  The Bluebirds (there is a real 'bird' thing going on this week) signed Norwich defender Simon Lappin on loan midweek and he could start tomorrow.  Interesting aside: Lappin takes his name from the French phrase "si mon lapin" translating as "if my rabbit."  Probably. 
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 12/5 


Game 5: Aston Villa vs Arsenal
Prediction: Home win
Struggling Aston Villa take on underachieving Arsenal in a game that the media have dubbed 'the Battle of the Only Two Teams in the Premiership Whose Names Begin With the Letter A.'  Possibly.  Villa currently inhabit a spot in the relegation zone thanks to their faltering start to the season.  They have only won a single game at home this season, against Swansea back in September.  Manager Paul Lambert will be serving a one-match dugout suspension so expect him to be sitting in the stands duetting with some X-Factor reject girl singing this song.  Meanwhile, Arsenal have not been having a bad season but fans will be disappointed to look at the table and see both West Brom and Everton above them.  The Gunners secured passage to the next stage of the Champions League with a 2-0 victory over Montpellier on Wednesday and Arsene Wenger will expect another victory here.  There has also been good news for fans of the Arse' this week as the team agreed a sponsorship deal worth £150 million.  With that kind of money at his disposal, expect Wenger to dig deep in January to unearth the next Carl Jenkinson.
Reliability balls: 3/10
Odds on this result: 4/1

The total odds for this week's Gramblings are 312/1.  Not going to happen, is it?

Hence why I have decided to include the GRAMBLER SUPER BONUS BET!  Last week, I placed a bet for myself using the 'both teams to score' market.  Tis pretty straight forward; the question is will both teams score?  The answer is either YES! (in which case both teams score) or NO! (in which case either one team won't score or both teams won't score).  Anyhow, I won some money on this and thought "hmm, this could be Grambled up a bit!"  As their are two outcomes rather than three, it could provide more chance of winning so it's worth a bash!  Five games, a 50p bet, no jibberish.... And we get:

Game: Both teams to score?, Odds
Miton Keynes Dons vs Colchester United: Yes, 10/11
Brechin City vs Forfar athletic: No, 7/4
Charlton Athletic vs Huddersfield Town: No, 11/10
Tottenham Hotspur vs West Ham: No, 11/10
Everton vs Norwich City: Yes, 4/6

Total odds on the GRAMBLER SUPER BONUS BET are 39/1.

Will the main bet shock us all and come good?  Will the bonus bet be the saviour of The Grambler?  Will Captain  Delbert Gugliuzza be able to disarm the bomb whilst simultaneously evacuating all of the orphans from the building?  Tune in on Monday (or Tuesday) to find out!

Week 14 Results: Cím magyarul nincs valódi oka.

Another poor performance from The Grambler as only two out of five predictions came out on top.  However, to focus on the positives, as a result of cutting down the number of games involved, this represented a massive 40% of correct predictions!

Away from the football, there was exciting news today as scientists (or 'boffins' as they prefer to be known) have confirmed that they have been able reverse paralysis in dogs after injecting them with cells grown from the lining of their nose.  However, they have not answered the question which is everyone's lips...

How does it smell?

'Ere is them footballing results:

Game 1: Peterborough United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Away win ( ✔ )
A good start as Henning Berg claimed his first win as Blackburn manager with a comfortable 4-1 victory.  And he did not have to wait long for his side to take the lead, just 3 minutes into the match and Argentinian Mauro Formica slotted the ball into the net from a Ruben Rochina lay-off.  But the star of the show was to be Jordan Rhodes, who struck a hat-trick to secure the triumph.  His first came when he headed home from six-yards following a Martin Olsson cross, although it could easily have been recorded as an own-goal having deflected in off the hand of Peterborough defender and poshest man in football Nathaniel Knight-Percival.  Rhodes struck once more before half-time with Rochina providing another assist and the Scotsman finishing confidently.  The Posh put some pressure on their opponents after the break and came close through a Saido Berahino drive but Rovers keeper and Ramsay Street villain Paul Robinson pushed the ball overt the bar.  Rhodes completed his hat-trick in the 79th minute; Peterborough failed to clear a corner and the striker headed home to ensure victory and win a football.  Lee Tomlin grabbed a consolation late-on with a spectacular drive but the Posh faithful were already drowning their sorrows as their team slipped to bottom of the Championship.  Opening-scorer Formica took to Twitter to assure Rovers fans that this capital triumph was merely a platform from whence his colleagues can raise the team to the loftiest perch in the league.  Although he put it more elegantly; "Good victory, we to continue in this way."

Game 2: Burnley vs Charlton Athletic
Prediction: Home win ( x )
And it was all going so well...  Charlton continued their recent good form with a narrow victory over Burnley, who played 76 minutes with ten men.  Charlie Austin came close to adding to his impressive tally for the season when he headed a Keiran Trippier cross over the bar early on.  But Trippier was only to spend a few minutes longer on the pitch; a goal-mouth scramble at the other end of the pitch ended with the referee ruling that the Clarets defender had handled the ball on the line.  Trippier was off for an early bath/shower/jacuzzi depending on his preferred personal hygiene methods and the Addicks were awarded a spot-kick.  Johnnie Jackson stepped up but keeper Lee Grant did well to turn the shot past the post.  Burnley's ten-men put up a brave fight and even had chances to take the lead, most notably through a 30-yard effort from Brian Stock (a player more famed for being the heir to untold riches as his grandfather was the inventor of the eponymous cube).  The Clarets were however devastated in the 69th minute when a knock-down from Rob Hulse found Danny Haynes who fired past Grant.  The game-changing sending-off was contentious but perhaps it has been summed up best by the Burnley Express: "Referee Robert Madley’s decision to dismiss Kieran Trippier in Burnley’s 1-0 defeat to Charlton Athletic should give Sepp Blatter further food for thought."  It is delightful that someone out there thinks that the tipping-point in favour of video evidence for the most important man in world football has come in the form of a red card at Turf Moor.                  

Game 3: Queens Park Rangers vs Southampton
Prediction: Draw ( x )
I made a prediction prior to this game that at least one newspaper would go with the 'SACK RACE' headline for this game.  Well, they went one step further and dubbed this game El Sackico.  I think that is worse than anything that has ever been written on this website... And someone was paid for it!  Of course, it is looking increasingly likely that Mark Hughes will be the first Premiership managerial casualty following this result.  Nigel Adkins would have been happy with his sides performance as they rarely looked like losing control of the game.  The visitors opened the scoring on the 23rd minute when Rickie Lambert threw himself at a loose ball to head past QPR keeper Julio Cesar.  Jason Puncheon made it two before half-time via a 25-yard shot.  Rangers were given some hope after the break when Junior Hoillet flicked an Adel Taarabt cross into the net.  But any hope of a comeback was lost 7 minutes from full-time when a low cross into the Rangers' box deflected off defender Anton Ferdinand and past Cesar, who speaking after the game said "I came and I saw but I certainly did not conquer."  He didn't really...  Hughes, however, was full of quotes after the game about 'progress' and 'having the board's confidence' and other things that doomed managers often say.  Also worth noting that at the end of last season after barely surviving relegation, Hughes stated "when I said no team of mine will be in this position again, I meant it. Now we are ready for the next level." Apparently the 'next level' is relegation...
 
Game 4: Forfar Athletic vs Stenhousemuir
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Stenhousemuir staged a good comeback attempt but lost to the odd goal in five in an eventful match at Station Park.  The home-side took a fifth minute lead when Gavin Swankie got a touch on James Craigen's free-kick to put it into the bottom corner.  Swankie then doubled the lead when he knocked Mark McCulloch's cross past Robbie Thomson in the visitors goal.  The Loons would have thought that the points were wrapped up in a neat little package at this point, but the Warriors had other ideas.  Fifteen minutes before the break, Ross McMillan smashed the ball into the net from close range to half the deficit.  This gave Stenhousemuir some hope and they emerged after the break looking for an equaliser.  They were to get it in the 59th minute when Andy Rodgers was brought down in the box to win a penalty.  The striker dusted himself off to score from the spot.  But our collective hopes of a draw were ruined with 15 minutes remaining as Athletic midfielder Kevin Motion found the top right-hand corner from 12 yards out to seal the points and extend the visitors winless run to four games.  Interesting fact related to this game: Forfar defender Michael Bolochoweckyj's surname is also a semi-onomatopoeic word used to describe a trapped testicle when closing a cupboard door. 

Game 5: Northampton Town vs Wycombe Wanderers
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Wycombe wandered to the bottom of League Two following defeat at Northampton during a game in which they never really got started.  Town took the lead in this one-sided game after 26 minutes when Adebayo Akinfenwa headed in Chris Hackett's cross.  The score remained the same until half-time but two quick goals around the hour mark all but sealed the points for the home-side.  In the 61st minute, Clive Platt was brought down under a clumsy challenge from Dave Winfield and the referee had no hesitation in pointing to the spot.  Akinfenwa dispatched the spot-kick with ease for his 11th league goal this season.  Four minutes later, the lead was increased yet again courtesy of Hackett who grabbed a goal on the counter-attack as Wanderers searched for a way back into the game.  Joel Grant did eventually grab a consolation for the visitors via a penalty at the other end of the pitch but it could not stop his team leaving the Sixfields Stadium empty-handed.  Although even if they had won, they would have left empty-handed since the FA has stopped presenting league points in a physical format.  Northampton have moved a step closer to the play-off places which will delight the townsfolk almost as much as the massive coup that is getting Denise Welch to turn on the Christmas lights.

I'm going to borrow some of QPR boss (for the moment) Mark Hughes' optimism and say that this week represents progress - after all, if you think back to last week we only had a 28.57142857142857% accuracy rate.  So this is a vast improvement!

Next week's bet shall be as punctual as ever, and will appear on Thursday.  Or Friday.  Or maybe Wednesday...

"No horse can wear two saddles."

- Ancient Chinese Proverb.  

Yeah, just you think about that next time you try to put two saddles on your horse.

Week 14: Title changed for legal reasons.

Goalposts!

Some would say that they are integral to the game of football; without goalposts, there are no goals.  Without goals, there is no football.  Without football, there is no Grambler.

So we are in agreement then, goalposts are important?  But here is the thing;  no one has ever said that it is illegal to simply move the goalposts.  It is a metaphor used the world over.  In Italy, they call it "mova da golaposts!"  In Germany, "MOVE ZEE GOALPOSTS!"  In Wales, "move the goalposts, boyo!"  You get the point.

According to The FIFA document Laws of the Game 2012/2013, goalposts must be 7.32 metres apart.  However, it also stated that subject to the agreement of the member association concerned, it is permissible to change the width between the goalposts.  I am evoking this rule and as the leading member association of the Grambler Soccerball Association, I am moving the goalposts!  

Regular readers may have noticed a very slight lull in quality of this site last week.  Until now, I have listed my occupation as Grambling Overlord of the Kingdom of Earth and Her Conquered Universal Empire.  However, I have returned to my other occupation with a more restrained title which I cannot really remember and as a result, I am unable to commit the same effort to proceedings.  However, I have figured that combining the two roles may be easier by simply moving the goalposts (see, I was getting there!) to allow for five games per week rather than seven.  This will result in a more manageable blog and a slightly more realistic chance of winning something.

Is that okay with you?

Game 1: Peterborough United vs Blackburn Rovers
Prediction: Away win
We begin this week with a trip to London Road where second-bottom of the Championship Peterborough take on promotion hopefuls and former Grambler favourites Blackburn.  The Posh are not having a very good season thus far and have taken just twelve points from sixteen games, leaving them just one point ahead of bottom-placed Bristol City.  Last weeks 2-1 loss at home to Crystal Palace was followed by controversy as four players had a big night out in Peterborough resulting in on two of them being cautioned by the police.  Manager Darren Ferguson proved that he is a chip off the old block by subsequently going mental, fining the players involved and then transfer-listing them.  His father is of course Sarah, Duchess of York.  Since their last appearance on these hallowed pages, Blackburn have had a change of manager.  Out went hilariously bad Steve Kean and, following Venky's promises of a 'big-name' replacement, in came Henning Berg, a man who had told a Norwegian television station that "there are no real managers with credibility who would accept a job like that."  Good job of sticking to your ethics there, Henning!  Since his appointment, Rovers have yet to win a game, taking two points from three matches and slipping out of the play-off places.  The two sides have not met in the league since 1974/75 and Peterborough were victors in both matches that season.  Not that actually has any bearing on this match, of course.      
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 6/5


Game 2: Burnley vs Charlton Athletic
Prediction: Home win
Sticking with the Championship, Burnley are another team currently coming to terms with a managerial change.  Sean Dyche is the man in charge of the Clarets following Eddie Howe's return to Bournemouth and he has overseen two wins in three games, although lost to strugglers Ipswich last weekend.  Following said defeat, Dyche said "it was nip and tuck throughout but, on reflection, I thought we deserved at least a share of the spoils" and probably followed this up by telling reporters that he was 'over the moon' and 'sick as a parrot'.  Charlton have hit their best run of form since promotion from League One last season, with back-to-back victories in there last two matches.  They are also unbeaten in their last five away games.  The Addicks signed Wolves Icelandic midfielder Eggert Jónsson on loan last week and he could be handed his début tomorrow.  Hopefully he doesn't end up with egg on his face... Eggert is known for being hard to beat...  Fingers crossed he doesn't crack under pressure...  He is supposed to be a good poacher...  (to play along at home, think of a terrible egg related pun and insert here.)
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 3: Queens Park Rangers vs Southampton
Prediction: Draw
I am no soothsayer, but I can predict with a 100% accuracy rate that at least one of the tabloids will feature this game tomorrow under the headline 'SACK RACE.'  It is clever because both managers are potentially close to losing their job and source of income!  And a sack race is also a thing!  It works on so many levels!  It's bottom vs second-bottom in this early relegation battle and, in eleven games, QPR have failed to win a single one.  Mark Hughes has said that his job will be safe regardless of the result before cracking this fantastic joke: "The club has moved forward in a massive way since I came in the door through the work I and my staff have done."  Bwahahahahahaha!  Southampton have managed one solitary win since promotion from the Championship last season when they defeated Aston Villa back in September.  Boss Nigel Adkins is similarly optimistic to Hughes and says "we've already established that we're at the wrong end of the league table."  He is a smart one!  Let's see what else he has to say... "Every game that you look at has three points up for grabs."  Yep that's correct Nige, three points for a win.  Any more words of wisdom?  "It's a tough league that we're in but one we love being in and one we expect to be in for many, many years to come." Uh-huh...
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 13/5


Game 4: Forfar Athletic vs Stenhousemuir
Prediction: Draw
Another close game to call as third placed Forfar go head-to-head with fourth placed Stenhousemuir.  Although both teams have a long-way to go in catching league leaders Queen of the South, they will both be hopeful of remaining in the play-off spots.  Dick Campbell's side go into this match having scraped past non-league Nairn County in a five-goal cup thriller last weekend.  The Loons have lost their last three league matches and Campbell reckons that there is no time like the present to put their bad run to an end.  "There is no time like the present to put that run to an end" said Dick.  Stenhousemuir also came through a cup-replay last week but were comfortable winners as they took on Berwick on Tuesday.  Managed by the legend that is Martyn 'Kaiser' Corrigan, the Warrior's last league match ended in an horrific 7-2 defeat at the hands of Brechin.  They have also already met the Loons on home-turf this season, and on that occasion Stenny were pummelled 4-0.  Could this be a chance for revenge?  Interestingly, this game will be refereed by Barry Cook, who directed Disney's Mulan.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/5


Game 5: Northampton Town vs Wycombe Wanderers
Prediction: Home win
Northampton are currently 12th in League Two but not too far from the play-off places.  They are unbeaten in four league games and were unfortunate to be knocked out of the cup last weekend.  Unfortunately, the Cobblers are in the middle of an injury crisis and have been forced to call upon their youth team to help out.  Sixteen-year-old Ivan Toney became the youngest player ever to feature for the team in last week's defeat to Bradford City. Manager Aidy Boothroyd is wary of overexposing his young players, stating "I'm a big believer in youth but you don't want too many kids."  Try telling that to (insert name of any BBC DJ from the 1970s here.)  Wycombe are currently 'managerless', although caretaker-player/manager Gareth Ainsworth has expressed an interest in taking the job on permanently.  His case will not be helped by Wanderers current position however, above the relegation zone on goal difference alone, his side are on the same points as bottom placed Aldershot.  Ainsworth will be hopeful of a first win in over a month to help his job application.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 10/11

There you go, the goalposts have been moved, the Grambler has Grambled and the bet has been placed!  This week's odds are a lower but more attainable 114/1.  I am quietly confident that this new format will see us raking in the cash, and remember it is all for a good cause!  You can join the fun by donating directly to the Bobby Moore Fund directly via the Mrs Doyle-esque link on the left of the page. 

And the last thing that I have to say on the subject of goalposts; According to the FIFA document Laws of the Game, Law 1 - the Field of Play, Subsection: Goals

"The goalposts and crossbars MUST be white"

Further proof of the unacceptable levels of racism within the governing body.

Week 13 results: This week featuring 100% true facts!

Saturday now seems like it was an age away.  An extremely disappointing weekend for The Grambler left a sour taste as many a Grambler dragged themselves out of bed on Monday morning to go to work.  Apart from  George Entwistle, who got a lie-in.

Which potentially brings me to some kind of a point.  Basically, work (and me actually doing some for a change) has prevented the results being anything less than a shambles this week. After a somewhat lengthy lay-off, I have been doing some stuff for money which has potentially affected my Grambling.  Therefore, I have chosen to just provide one single, 100% true fact for each game...

  Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Bromwich Albion
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Gary Caldwell, who scored an own goal for Wigan to seal the win for West Brom, is nicknamed 'Colonel Shiteypants' by his close family.

Game 2: Manchester City vs Tottenham Hotspur
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
City's Bosnian match-winner Edin Džeko believes that he was Agatha Christie in a former life.

Game 3: Southend United vs Port Vale
Prediction: Away win ( x )

Southend's home ground Roots Hall was named after famous reggae artist Roots Hall, front-man of the Roots Hall Trio featuring Roots Hall.

Game 4: Celtic vs St Johnstone
Prediction: Home win ( x )

Celtic this week celebrated their 125th anniversary as a club with the help of a birthday cake in the shape of Kurt Russell's buttocks.

Game 5: Elgin City vs Berwick Rangers
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Surprisingly, Elgin's manager Jack Ross has never stood trial for the murder of television presenter Jill Dando.

Game 6: Partick Thistle vs Dunfermline Athletic
Prediction: Away win ( x )

Steven Lawless, who scored a double for Thistle on Saturday, is actually known to obey a number of laws.  The law of gravity, for example.

Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win ( ✔ )

York's 2012 FA Trophy win was shrouded in controversy after it transpired that striker Ashley Chambers was actually two midgets in a long-coat.

One may be tempted to conclude that my heart is not quite in it this week.  And one would probably be correct.  But I shall return stronger and more eager than ever on Friday!  Until then:

"Something."

- A famous person

Week 13: Unlucky for some...

If you happen to suffer from triskaidekaphobia, this is not going to be your week.  Similarly, if you happen to enjoy accurate predictions from betting websites, this is not going to be your week.  Also, if you happen to be Nadine Dorries, this is not going to be your week.

Last week was terrible; there is no disguising that.  But one only has to glance at the midweek European results to realise that absolutely anything can happen in the glorious game of football - Portuguese minnows Académica defeated Europa League and UEFA Super Cup champions Atlético Madrid... Little known Scottish club Celtic defeated the omnipotent Barcelona... And perhaps most shockingly, Dundee United were victorious against Motherwell.  Seriously, I know it's hard to believe but it happened.  Look it up if you don't believe me!

We have a massive SEVENTY games to choose from this week, with a handful of games thrown in from the Capital One Cup and the Scottish FA Cup ('Mon the Inverurie Locos!)  To find out who The Grambler selected, press the hash key... now!

Game 1: Wigan Athletic vs West Bromwich Albion
Prediction: Draw
West Brom are this season's unexpected high-fliers.  They are currently 5th in the Premiership, level on points with Everton in 4th place.  Under the leadership of Steve Clarke, they have only lost one game at home.  However, their away record is less positive, with only two points from four games.  Wigan will be looking to avoid the relegation scuffle this year and their boss Roberto Martinez is already receiving plaudits for results this season, which have included away wins at Spurs and Southampton.  A number of commentators have stated throughout the week that Liverpool should really have pursued their interest in Martinez rather than turning to Brendan Rodgers in the summer.  Rumour has it the Spaniard could still be set for a move from the DW Stadium though, this time for Major League Soccer.  A newly formed team made up of Native American Indians are looking to appoint a head-coach.  With Roberto at the helm, it could be a good début season for Wigwam Athletic.  Sorry...  I'm not really.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 2: Manchester City vs Tottenham Hotspur
Prediction: Home win
Why, hello again Manchester City, you're looking well!  A second appearance in a row for the Sky Blues, last week they failed to win despite The Grambler telling me that they should.  They have home advantage this weekend and have yet to lose at the Etihad Stadium in the league this season, with four victories and a draw to their name.  City continued their woeful European form on Tuesday evening, coming back from 2-0 down to scrape a draw with popular cleaning product Ajax.  They are currently bottom of Group D, also known as THE GROUP OF HORRIBLY PAINFUL AND ELONGATED DEATH, and with progression looking unlikely, fans will be expecting more from the domestic competitions.  Spurs look likely to be in for another season of chasing 4th place, having slipped to 6th last weekend with a calamitous defeat at home to the aforementioned Wogan Athletic.  Manager Andre Villas Boas is already coming in for a hard time with many sections of the media, and this is probably little to do with results and more to do with him replacing media-darling 'Arry Redknapp, everyone's favourite tax-evading Cockney.
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 4/7

Game 3: Southend United vs Port Vale
Prediction: Away win
Southend have had a mixed season so far, with the exact same form at home as away from home; three wins, two draw and three losses.  This is not necessarily bad form but suggests that home advantage means very little, and fans would have been somewhat embarrassed to watch their side lose 1-0 at home to bottom side Aldershot a few weeks back.  They will be missing two key players in Anthony Straker, who has been called up for international duty with Grenada, and Neil Harris, out with a knee injury.  Interesting if slightly irrelevant piece of trivia of the week: Ian Tomlinson, who infamously died following an 'altercation' with the police, was wearing a t-shirt featuring a tribute to Neil Harris when the incident occurred.  True story.  Port Vale will be hopeful of keeping the pressure on runaway league leaders Gillingham with another away win.  Their travelling form has been impressive, with five wins from eight on the road.  They are also the only team in British football to have adopted a pretzel as a team emblem. 
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 2/1

Game 4: Celtic vs St Johnstone
Prediction: Home win
It has been a good week for Celtic fans; the club celebrated its 125th anniversary, defeated Barcelona in the Champions League and, probably most importantly, this arrived in the club shop.  I love a good football related Christmas gnome, I do!  Most people will look at this game and think that a win for Celtic is foregone conclusion, but the Hoops are prone to the odd slip-up following a good result in Europe.  For example: Just this season, following a good 2-0 victory over futuristic vampire-slayers Helsingborgs which led Celtic to the Champions League group stages, the team went on to draw with Hibs at home and then lose their next game away from home, one of only two league defeats this season.  Their opponents on that occasion?  St Johnstone.  The Saints are one of a host of clubs hoping to take advantage of Rangers' demise this season and finish in the fabled second spot of the SPL (yes, Scottish football is really that sad.)  But their form has been a little inconsistent of late.  A record-equalling 5th straight league win in a row (last achieved by the Perth side in 1971) has been followed by a 1-1 draw with Inverness and an inevitable defeat at Motherwell.  Steve Lomas will be hoping for a tired or over-confident Celtic side.
Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 2/9

Game 5: Elgin City vs Berwick Rangers
Prediction: Draw
I cannot claim to have such a high level of knowledge when it comes to either of these teams but one thing I am certain is true, football is not such a big deal in Elgin.  In fact, participation in the sport pales in comparison to the most popular past-time (as I understand it): Marbles.    In spite of this, the football team has been doing rather well this year and may have been leading the division had it not been for some young upstarts coming along with their franchise and beating almost everyone.  At home, they have only been defeated once in a 5-1 thrashing at the hands of Rangers Franchise #1 PLC FC.  Berwick meanwhile are sitting 6th in the table and have been good at home, remaining unbeaten in five games.  Their away form has let them down however, with one point at Queens Park two weeks ago their only gain on their travels.  Manager Ian Little may have worked with some of the biggest pop acts of the day in the 1980s but his focus is now on taking his Rangers side up the leagues.  A play-off spot in the Third Division is not so far out of reach.  
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 14/5

Game 6: Partick Thistle vs Dunfermline Athletic
Prediction: Away win
This is probably the most exciting Grambler selected game of the week... No, I'm being a serious!  A proper top of the table clash and one which will play a huge part in the fight for promotion to the SPL this season.  Some of you may have been reading a number of weeks ago when Partick Thistle made an appearance.  At the time, they had a 100% home record, and this is still the case.  However, after one win from the last four games, they have slipped to 2nd place in the First Division... Behind Dunfermline Athletic!  The Pars have only lost one game this season and have a tremendous record of four wins and one draw away from Dens Park.  The two teams already met on Dunfermline's patch earlier in the season, when the Maryhill side enjoyed a 1-0 victory.  "We want to try and take the three points back that they took off us at East End Park" said Pars manager Jim Jefferies enthusiastically.  Well I say enthusiastically, anyone who has ever heard Jefferies talk will know that he sounded like he had a noose around his neck...
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 21/10

Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Anyone else getting a feeling of deja vu?  I think I might be in the Matrix and suddenly the world around me seems very late nineties... Everyone is listening to nu-metal and wearing overly baggy jeans and... Why is there a ridiculously wooden actor next to me saying "wooooooaaaaah!" at everything and anything?  Confused?  You should be!  For you see, this exact same fixture happened last week, with The Grambler selecting it... With AFC Wimbledon to be victorious... As Game 7... Wooooooaaaaah!  It was, of course, an incorrect prediction.  In the meantime, both clubs have played a midweek fixture, with York fairing slightly better than their opponents.  The home-side played Northampton and a 1-1 draw has kept them in 10th place, still close enough that they can smell a play-off place.  And it smells like roast chicken.  Wombledon meanwhile lost their Tuesday night encounter with Exeter 2-0 and manager Neil Ardley has called for hard work and desire from his relegation-threatened team.  "There has to be hard work and desire" he told reporters who went on to report his quotes in a variety of media outlets.
Reliability balls: 3/10
Odds on this result: 16/5

Overall, we could have done a lot worse with this week's predictions.  Our combined odds this week are a plentiful 968/1.  A high number of away wins is never a good sign but I am filled with confidence that we can do it this week, and it would be a fitting tribute to Jack Duckworth who was a devoted fan of The Grambler.  Possibly.

Week 12 results: The Grambler Dot Com

There is some Grambler news to get out of the way first... I might have kind of maybe accidentally purchased the domain name www.thegrambler.com.  But only because this is such a serious operation and needs to look as profechenal as posabil.  And also, at the current rate at which Hollywood producer types are currently churning out any old crap with a superhero in it for many millions of dollars, it's only so long before some super-human chump is called 'the Grambler.'  And when that happens, I own their website and will only surrender it for $4 million and a cameo as Lieutenant Von Grombler, an evil, bitter and twisted relative of the eponymous hero.

Secondly, there is now some kind of navigation bar at the top of the page.  It is, in fact, a bar which can be used for the purpose of navigation.  For example, should you wish to view the home page, simply click on the page labelled 'home.'  What an age we live in!  Feel free to offer any suggestions of how this wonderful site can be further improved.  Alternatively, don't.

And I wasn't paying much attention, but their may have been some football on over the weekend.

Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Ah, the magic of the FA Cup!  The tournament where any team from any division can go on to be champions!  The cup where smaller teams can showcase their talents!  Or so it is always claimed, the actuality is the Premiership teams fielding their 'youngsters' (still a team assembled expensively by kidnapping 14-year-olds in their sleep), bottom-half League One teams 'resting' their 'star' players, stadiums being half-empty and generally no one actually caring until the semi-finals.  Which brings us to Morecambe vs Rochdale; two teams who had met in the league just weeks before playing out a mediocre score draw in front of 1,800 fans.  Inspiring!  Andy Flemming put the home-side in front early on with a 20 yard shot but for most of the match, Rochdale looked like the hungrier side.  Shrimps goalkeeper Barry Roche was in fine-form, denying the Dale on numerous occasions before Jason Kennedy finally got the better of him, turning in a rebound to earn a replay, meaning the fans will have to shell out another £20 a head to witness the 'magic' of the cup.  But fear ye not, devoted Shrimpdale fans!  The excitement of a trip to Coventry awaits in the next round!  Magic!  

Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Saturday saw Dougie Freedman appear in the Bolton dugout for the first time, and he made it known beforehand that tactics would be changing under him: "El quezo estaba viejo y mohoso.  Donde esta el bano?" said Freedman.  Actually, that was Brendan Fraser in California Man... Freedman has actually said that promotion is still achievable for his new side this term, and a 2-1 win over league leaders Cardiff was a good start for the Dougster.  But it was the BlueRedbirds who looked the better team in the first half.  A Peter Whittingham cross caused confusion in the Bolton box on 40 minutes and allowed the visitors to take the lead.  Following some comical defending from Zat Knight (who I genuinely believe permanently has Julius Fučík's 'Entrance of the Gladiators' constantly playing in his head) the ball fell nicely for Craig Noone to fire past Adam Bogdan.  It was two substitutions in the second-half which turned the game around.  David Ngog only played 25 minutes, but it was rather eventful.  In the 68th minute, Ngog fell over in the box and the referee pointed to the spot.  Fellow substitute Martin Petrov stepped up to score the penalty.  Ngog then put his side in front with a flick from six yards.  And to round of an eventful afternoon, he picked up two yellow cards in seven minutes to earn a hypothetical early bath.

Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw ( x )
I have a theory about Hibernian's Leigh Griffiths; should his hairline ever stop receding, he will stop scoring.  He's like some kind of anti-Samson... The better form he is in, the more his hairline diminishes.  And his fringe moved further from his forehead on Saturday as he notched two against St Mirren.  It was the visitors who had taken the lead when a long drive from Kenny McLean found it's way past Hibs keeper Ben Williams, a man who has put his jail sentence for manslaughter behind him to take the number one jersey.  The lead was only to last five minutes however, a cross found the noggin of James McPake who headed downwards for Griffiths to score his tenth of the season.  Hibs took control of the match in the second half and found themselves in front when Griffiths scored a second, this time with a fine 20 yard shot.  The striker could have increased the lead further, hitting the post twice during the match.  But the one goal lead was enough to take all three points and there was still time for Saints captain Jim Goodwin to get a second booking for doing what he does best - elbowing someone in the face.  And finally, no mention of Leigh Griffiths is complete without linking to the Real Lee Griffiths Blog, one of the finest moments in the history of the internet.     

Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Much of the build-up to this game was dominated by the revelation that Roberto Mancini came close to leaving City last season to join a mid 1990s Peter Hook side-project.  It was old news and Rubbertoe insisted that the revelation would not disrupt he build-up to this match.  But by kick-off, the City players were aware that a win would take them joint top of the table, and it would appear that the pressure got to them as they struggled to a 0-0 draw.  West Ham had the better chances during the game, with a Kevin Nolan volley incorrectly ruled out for offside and a Yossi Benayoun shot striking the bar.  City did manage eight shots on target, but couldn't find the net and Mancini responded to his side's inability to score in one match in a way that only a Manchester City manger can - by demanding that the club's owners spend £50 million on Neymar post haste.  To give the Hammers their due, they proved to be as tough as nails to hold on for the point.  Maybe they can build on this result and construct a fine season.  It would seem that they have the right tools for the challenge.  Sam Allardyce will hope that they don't screw up.  Etc. 

Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Fulham pinched a point in the last minute of a game which was dominated by Everton.  A mistake from Timothy Howard put the home team in front as the keeper pushed a free-kick onto the post only to watch on as it bounced back into the net.  The score stayed that way until the half-time in spite of the Toffees having a host of chances to equalise.  Into the second-half and Everton finally found the net, Marouane Fellaini scoring from eight yards after good work from fellow Belgian Kevin Mirallas.  Fellaini grabbed a second in the 72nd minute with a low shot but the despite the visitor's dominance, they could not hold on for the win.  Substitute Steve Sidwell tapped in at the back post in the final minute of the game to earn a draw.  Interesting fact of the day:  Fellaini's old man was a goalkeeper and signed for Belgian club Mechelen.  However, his former club had a strop about the signing and wouldn't let him play so he just became a bus driver instead.  As you do.  Terrible joke of the day: Why won't Martin Jol buy the 115g packet of Finest Wafer Thin Wiltshire Cured Pig Meat from Tesco?  Because he wants the full ham!

Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
More FA Cup 'magic!'  This tie at least presented a 'glamorous' opponent for non-league Park Avenue and there was a chance for them to indulge in a spot of giant-killing.  Alas, it was not to be as Doncaster had the game all but wrapped up by half-time.  Martin Woods turned in an Ian Hume cross from the edge of the penalty area to put his side in front.  In the 37th minute, Hume turned from provider to scorer when he side-footed in from Billy Paynter's cross.  Bradford started the second-half brightly and managed to pull a goal back when Richard Marshall found the top=corner from a tight angle.  But any chance of a comeback was put to bed in the 76th minute when Paul Keegan's cross surprisingly found R&B singer and wife-beater Chris Brown who headed in.  Whilst the result may have been expected, Bradford PA attempted to give their fellow Yorkshiremen  a run for their money and managed to keep the score respectable.  Everyone returned to their farms happily and ate Yorkshire pudding with gravy whilst discussing their whippets and saying 'ey oop lad' a lot.  Apart from Chris Brown, who went home to a crate of Stella.

Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win ( x )
Another 'glamour tie' between two sides in the same division which ended with an insipid draw.  Both sides had chances to take the lead in the first half but there was no goal forthcoming until the 62nd minute, when York substitute Jamie Reed finished off a Jason Walker move.  With the Minstermen looking to hold on for a win, a free-kick was presented to the Dons in the 80th minute and a deflection from Charlie Strutton's shot beat City keeper Michael Ingham to earn a replay.  The only real talking point to come out of this game is that a victory for Wimbledon in the return leg will see them facing MK Dons in the next round, should the other Dons also win their replay.  This would be the first time that the sides have met since an acrimonious split of fans when the original Krazy Gang relocated to Milton Keynes.  I like to imagine that this resulted in two groups of casuals made up entirely of Wombles, who will be set to rumble on Wimbledon Common prior to a potential tie.  They would finally get to make good use of all of those sharp and pointy objects that everyday people left behind....

Sometimes it is hard to draw positives from The Grambler's poor predictions.  But as the old saying goes, "if life gives you lemons, eat some lemons."  Here are some positives from this week:

• We learned that Marouane Fellaini was conceived on the number 83 bus somewhere between Putkapel and Wijgmaal.  Possibly.
• Craig Levein finally got the sack.
• I have some lemons.

And seeing as there is apparently an election thingy going on somewhere, have a topical quote to finish...

"I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here... “I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.” “I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.” “Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding out both puppets!”"

- Bill Hicks

  

Week 12: It's The (late) Grambler Halloween Spooktacular!

That's right, it's the 31st of October (or at least it was when I started writing this), meaning one thing: the chance to change every player's name in a ridiculously contrived manner so that they sound spooky!

This weekend we have the first round of the FA Cup meaning a lack of League One and Two games.  In Scotland, it's the third round of the Scottish Cup, meaning nothing happening outside of the top league.  So I have decided, what the hell, let's include both cup competitions.  There are always a few shocks and imagine the puns we could include if the draw brings out the Met Police team?  Before we get the pumpkin rolling, here is a topical joke:  

What do you call an annual celebration where children and adults alike disguise themselves as spooky characters or fictional persons, but only ones which are permissible by Islamic law?

Halalween!

(Please note: this is meant to be a play on words and I do not even have an embassy.)

Game 1: Morecambe vs Rochdale
Prediction: Away win
The ghost of Eric Morecambe can often be seen floating around the foot of the table in League Two.  They are a side surrounded by legendary tales of mythical creatures and even go as far as placing a ghostly-monster-beast in the very centre of the club crest.  They have thrice made it as far as the third round in the FA Cup, most recently in the 2002/03 season, but have yet to better this.  Rochdale, better known by their nickname 'the Dismembered Zombie Corpses', also find themselves haunting League Two after relegation last season.  The blazon on the club's arms reads 'argent a woolpack encircled by two branches of the cotton tree flowered and conjoint proper; a bordure sable charged with eight martlets of the field; and for a crest on a wreath of the colours a mill-rind sable and above a fleece argent banded or.'  Which is pretty damn creepy in itself.  The side were knocked out by Bradford at this stage last year and Captain Peter Cadaver will be keen to lead his side further this time around.
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Terrifying odds on this result: 9/5


Game 2: Bolton Wanderers vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win
Boo!lton started the season in frighteningly poor form which led to the beheading of Owen Coyle.  Dougie Freedman has come in from Crystal Palace insisting his new side can still manage promotion this season, but his chances of taking the Trotters back to the Premiership looked grim last weekend after a 2-1 defeat at Middlesbrough.  In spite of sitting 18th in the table, Bolton have actually faired well at the Reebok Stadium, with only one loss and three wins at home.  Meanwhile, Cardiff have been terrifying all other teams in the Championship this season and some have even suggested an alliance with Lucifer himself, evident by their change to blood red strips and proud display of the dragon on their badge.  And by some, I mean 'no one.'  A 4-0 win over Burnley last weekend gave them a seventh straight home victory, but their away form has been scaring Bluebirds fans, with three losses on the road this season.  They will be relying upon top scorer Peter Witchingham to provide the tricks and treats.    
Reliability pumpkins: 6/10
Horrific odds on this result: 13/10


Game 3: Hibernian vs St Mirren
Prediction: Draw
Off to Beaster Road now as second-top meets second-bottom in the SPHelL.  Manager Bat Fenlon has turned his side's fortunes around this season after an 11th place league finish last season.  Hibs are just two points from the top of the table and comfortably won their last league match 4-0 against someone or another, I won't go into details... The Hibees are unbeaten at home this season but have lost three on their travels.  St Mirren, although finding themselves at the wrong end of the table, are only actually three points from 5th place Inverness.  Having lost their last three games, they will be keen to get their season back on track and may be filled with confidence by a penalty win over Aberdeen in their midweek cup fixture.  Their only away win this season was over relegation-fodder Dundee but captain Jim Goblin insists that his side have improved dramatically since last season  
Reliability pumpkins: 3/10
Blood-curdling odds on this result: 23/10


Game 4: West Ham vs Manchester City
Prediction: Away win
Or should that be Fred West Ham vs Scary Man-chester City?  The Hammers wos 'ere last week when they were told to beat Wigan but defied my orders.  That loss left them in 9th place in the Premiership but they needn't be too downhearted, as they are only a point away from fellow Londoners Arsenal in 6th place.  Manager Summer of Sam Allardyce (to keep the serial killer theme going) has predicted that Andy Christmas Carroll (hang on, I'm getting my festivities confuddled...) will start to bang in the goals soon, could he start this weekend?  Current Premiership champions City will be hopeful of a win to keep the pressure on leaders Chelsea.  Their city rivals defeated the top team last week to narrow the gap at the top, and both Manchester teams are eyeing up the top-spot like a vampire checking out the necks of some particularly long-necked victims.  Carlos Tevez scored the only goal against Swansea last weekend and boss Rubber toe Mankini will be expecting his forwards to devour goals (and possibly brains) this Saturday.
Reliability pumpkins: 7/10
Tortured odds on this result: 4/6


Game 5: Fulham vs Everton
Prediction: Home win
And a short trip across the capital brings us to Wes Craven Cottage, home of Fulham.  The Cottagers performed well last season, finishing 9th under the management of Martin Ghoul.  If they can maintain their current form, Fulham could well be challenging for a Europa League spot come the end of the season.  But as is always the case with an in-form side, vultures begin to circle... Captain Brede Hangman-land has been targeted by a mystery 'top six side' and the gaffer may be tempted to cash-in on the defender come January.  Everton are another side currently in fine form.  Traditionally, the Toffee-apples struggle at the start of the season and make a late push resulting in a European spot.  But this season, Moyes and co. have started early with four wins out of nine taking them to fifth place.  Last week saw them draw 2-2 with fierce rivals Liver(and some fava beans with a nice Chianti)pool.  The visitors will benefit from the return of midfielder Steven Pienaarcissisticrampagingkillerghostzombievamppirebeast. 
Reliability pumpkins: 5/10
Eerie odds on this result: 8/5


Game 6: Doncaster Rovers vs Bradford Park Avenue
Prediction: Home win
Doncaster were relegated from the Championship last season amidst financial difficulties, with their future looking rather bleak.  But things have brightened up, with the club gaining a 99 year lease on their Keepmoat Stadium and challenging for the top-spot in League One. Rovers boss Dean Saunders says "I'll be treating this game as though it was a league game because we're on a good run of form at the moment" before cackling wildly, pulling a cape across his face and vanishing in a puff of smoke.  Bradford PA (no relation to Magnum PI) currently ply their trade in the Conference North having gained promotion from the West Yorkshire under-12s Subbuteo League last season.  In last seasons first round FA Cup tie, they were thrashed 8-1 by the mighty AFC Totton.  But they do have a strong squad, including U2 bassist Adam Clayton, the Fast and the Furious actor Paul Walker and renowned Cretan lyra player Ross Daly.  None of this is very spooky... Em, wooooooooooo? 
Reliability pumpkins: 8/10
Gruesome odds on this result: 3/10


Game 7: York City vs AFC Wimbledon
Prediction: Away win
Another apparition in The Grambler for York City, who hail from a town known as being amongst England's most haunted.  Sounds like a job for Derek Pakora!  City sit eleven places ahead of their opponents in the league but have not been too convincing at home.  York manager Gary Mills has this week described the FA Cup as 'magical', whilst rubbing his hands together and salivating at the thought of it.  Expect him to all Gollum should he ever get his hands on the trophy.  Dons manager Neil Ardley (I'm sure there must be a spooky pun in there... 'Ardley alive?  'Ardley breathing?  Something like that.) knows that Wimbledon are the underdogs, describing his team as a 'work in progress.'  Like a Frankenstein or summat.  The Wombles have just two wins away from home this season, but the FA Cup always throws up some minor upsets so who knows?  
Reliability pumpkins: 4/10
Hair-raising odds on this result: 10/3

So there you go.  Too late for Halloween but it didn't stop me forcing as many crap puns in as possible.  Total odds for this week are a ghastly 518/1.

And here is a bonus football related Halloween joke for your enjoyment.  Feel free to use it.

Q: Why did the werewolf fail to gain international recognition, despite finishing the season with a respectable 17 goals in 41 appearances for his club side and being nominated for both the PFA and Football Writers Player of the Year awards?

A: I'm not sure.

Happy (late) Grambleween!