Week 36: What the Hell do we do now!?

You may recall last season ending in rather dramatic fashion with that Aguero stoppage type goal against QPR prising the title from the clutches of Manchester United.  Well, this season is slightly different.  The relegation spots are filled, the title has been decided, runners-up are already in place and unless something ridiculous happens, Chelsea have have third sewn up.  So the only matter of interest is the race for fourth place.  Can you feel the excitement?  No, neither can I.  

There are of course play-off finals taking place which are far more exciting. With places up for grabs in the Championship and Premiership, Brentford will take on Yeovil tomorrow and Crystal Palace play Watford a week on Monday respectively.  And of course the Champions League final takes place next weekend so there is still something to look forward to.  But then, a whole summer without football!  Nooooooooooooooo!

This week's Grambler is made up entirely from Premiership games.  We have the usual three game accumulator and since it's the last round of games of the season... The Super Mega Awesome Grambler!  A ten game accumulator attempting to pick the winners of every Premiership games at random...  This is the bet that will prove whether there really are any footballing Gods supporting The Grambler!

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland - Home win - 2/7

West Brom vs Man Utd - Draw - 29/10

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Away win - 11/20

£1 @ 7/1

Oddly, The Grambler has managed to choose the only two games that actually matter in this accumulator, adding a little excitement to the proceedings.  Spurs will be hopeful of bettering Arsenal's result to pinch fourth place and the delicious Champions League football that comes with it.  Sunderland do not need to achieve anything following Wigan's midweek relegation but manager and horrible fascist (lest we forget) Paulo Di Canio might still have to prove to some supporters that he is the man to lead them next season.  Tickets are allegedly changing hands for thousands of pounds ahead of West Brom's tie against Man Utd.  This will of course be Sir Alex Ferguson's last game in charge and perhaps we should expect him to round off an illustrious career with a win.  The Baggies have also had a reasonable season and a point against the Champions would conclude things nicely.  Arsenal travel to Tyneside needing a win to secure fourth spot in the league but given the right results elsewhere, could force a 3rd/4th place play-off with Chelsea.  It is highly unlikely, however.  Newcastle will be relieved to find themselves safe having unexpectedly been dragged into a relegation fight towards the end of the season.  As with most teams at this stage of the season, they will no doubt still send out a strong starting line-up with instructions to win purely for the purposes of selling season tickets for next year.

Super Mega Awesome Grambler! accumulator

Game - Result - Odds

Chelsea vs Everton - Home win - 8/11

Liverpool vs QPR - Draw - 6/1

Man City vs Norwich - Home win - 1/3

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Draw - 18/5

Southampton vs Stoke - Away win - 4/1

Swansea vs Fulham - Home win - 4/5

Spurs vs Sunderland - Draw - 5/1

West Brom vs Man Utd - Away win - 5/6

West Ham vs Reading - Home win - 4/6

Wigan vs Aston Villa - Away win - 13/5

50p @ 44,048/1

Check out those odds!  I am genuinely excited by this bet!  It is so horrendously wrong that it has to be right!  What a perfect way to round of the season that would be too.  I can then sell my story to the Daily Record or some equally poor 'newspaper', write the Grambler book over the summer, start recording my Christmas single in Autumn and by the end of the year, an estimated £1.6 million will on it's way to the Bobby Moore Fund for Bowel Cancer Research!  Not that I'm setting my hopes unreasonably high or anything...

We shall return next week for the final Grambler of the season, a Champions League special. And then, who knows...?

STOP PRESS!!!!
Exciting news as I have decided to add a Eurovision bet to this week's proceedings!  The Grambler has selected Russia, who this year shall be represented by Dina Garipova singing What If (which turns out not to be a Lightning Seeds cover).  I'm not sure about this choice... Russia were robbed last year as the singing grannies of Buranovskiye Babushki were by far the best act of the night but failed to take the gong, maybe this could be their year?  The Russian entry is 16/1 to win outright so I have bet a quid each way and any winnings will go to the usual charidee.  Here is Miss Garipova in action for those of you curious enough...

Week 35: Nation in shock as 71 year old retires!

We should get this over with quickly, nothing of note has happened in the past week football-wise...

Oh wait, some old geezer has decided it is time to retire and move into a new role as puppetmaster director and ambassador at Old Traffford.  Yes, the time has finally come for Sir Alex Ferguson to retire after 26 years and 38 trophies with Manchester United.  It is the end of an era as the manager many have hailed as the greatest of all time laves the dugout for the last time.  One has to admire his many achievements; the treble in 1999, his tactical nous, his handling of the media, his ability to spot raw talent...  But personally, I believe that his greatest moment was that time that he twatted David Beckham on the head with a football boot.

Fellow irate Scotsman and Everton manager David Moyes has been given the thankless task of replacing Ferguson.  Whilst most critics have agreed that this is a wise move, with the key motive of maintaining a formula that has provided years success and stability to the club, many United fans have been angered by the appointment.  But then again, most United fans I have ever met have been idiots...

Sad news elsewhere as Aston Villa captain Stillian Petrov has been forced to retire as he continues his battle against leukaemia.  He has decided to devote his time to setting up a foundation to help sufferers of the bastarding disease.  Yet further proof, as if it were needed, that cancer is a big hairy arse.  You should really donate some money to help the fight against said big hairy arse.  How about donating to the Bobby Moore Fund?  They seem nice.

Sadly, the end of the season is nigh...  Two rounds of games remain in the Premiership with the final Champions League place and relegation spot still to be filled.  Similarly, there are still two games to play in the SPL, with the mighty Motherwell one point away from securing second place.  In the lower leagues of England and Scotland, the play-offs are already well under-way; most notably one of Watford, Brighton, Crystal Palace or Leicester will earn a coveted place in the Premiership.  And Manchester City will face Wigan on Saturday in an FA Cup final which is surely a foregone conclusion...  I mean, there's just no way that City's attack are getting past Gary Caldwell!  So there are only about 20 Grambleable games to choose from this weekend, but we shall bravely Gramble on to the bitter end!  Two bets of three this week, plus an extra special FA Cup final bet which has been calculated in the most spectacular Grambler fashion yet!

Three game all-league accumulator

Game - result - odds

St Mirren vs Aberdeen - Home win - 9/5

Peterhead vs Queen's Park - Home win - 4/5 

Crystal Palace vs Brighton - Draw - 23/10

50p @ 16/1

Meanwhile, back where Alex Ferguson won his first silverware... St Mirren take on the sheep-fanciers of Aberdeen in a meaningless wind-down game.  Dundee's relegation last week confirmed the Buddies survival whilst the Dons have pretty much cemented 7th place in the SPL.  Staying in Scotland, Peterhead go into the second-leg of their play-off tie against Queen's Park with a 1-0 lead thanks to a stoppage time penalty on Wednesday night.  The Blue Toon also defeated the Spiders 3-0 in the final round of league ties so could make it three-in-a-row on Sunday.  On Friday night, Crystal Palace and Brighton square up in the first leg of their play-off tie.  Much is at stake with promotion worth an estimated £60 million to Championship promotees.  Palace have not appeared in the top-flight since 2005 but Brighton have yet to make a Premiership appearance.

Three game Premiership accumulator

Game - result - odds

Man Utd vs Swansea - Home win - 1/3

Stoke vs Tottenham - Away win - 10/11

Sunderland vs Southampton - 13/8

£1 @ 6/1

With the title already secured and Ferguson's imminent retirement, Man Utd fans will be turning out for a celebration rather than a competitive match on Sunday.  Likewise, Swansea will be celebrating another good year in the Premiership (along with League Cup triumph) so expect a party atmosphere and meaningless game at Old Trafford.  Stoke have slogged out the second half of the season and rumours abound that Tony Pullis will depart.  They may be out to prove a point in their final home game.  Tottenham continue to tussle with Arsenal for the sought-after final Champions League place and will see this as a must-win match.  Although Wigan look likely to join QPR and Reading in the Championship next season, there is still a chance either Sunderland or Southampton giving this game an air of a relegation battle. Both sides gambled by sacking their managers late in the season band it could pay off for either or both if they can avoid the dreaded drop.

Super extra special far-fetched and convoluted FA Cup bet

It would be a shame not to have a bet on the FA Cup final, but to choose either Manchester City or Wigan to win would be a) a tad boring and b) unlikely to win anything worthwhile.  So it made much more sense to enter the most complex formula into the Grambler spreadsheet of this season to come up with a prediction for an actual result and first goalscorer.  Obviously this is type of betting has not been outlined in the rules of The Grambler but then those of you who have been following may have noticed that I have changed the rules every couple of weeks anyway.  Also, it's Christmas so why not?  In the unlikely outcome that Manchester City and Wigan draw 1-1 with Pablo Zabaleta scoring the first goal, a cool £70 will be heading for the Bobby Moore Fund courtesy of a 50p bet with odds of 140/1.  How do you like them apples?

That is all from the penultimate Grambler of the season.  No go forth and celebrate.  Perhaps by buying several Grambler t-shirts (go on, you know you want one!)

Week 27: Vote Grambler for President of Venezuela!

Still buzzing from the success of The Gramblerzghi last weekend, I have become all the more determined to win some bets and send the proceeds over to the Bobby Moore Fund to assist in the war against bowel cancer; a war which has raged on for 87 years during which time a number of frankly unspeakable war crimes have been committed.

This determination has brought a massive realisation during a brief moment of clarity. In the old format, I did not win very much. With that in mind, famous popular music singer David Bowie has announced "The Grambler is ch-ch-ch-changing.". Poor old guy never did get round to working on that stutter...

So instead of one highly unlikely bet, we now have one highly unlikely bet plus two potential (but unlikely) winners.  The odds on the second and third bets are rather low but any winnings are good winnings.  So without much Freddy Adu, I present to you the all new Grambler (which I'll probably only stick with for one week before becoming lazy and complacent.)

Bet 1: Five game accumulator from all leagues
Game, Result, Odds
Stranraer vs Albion Rovers, Home win, 7/10
Scunthorpe vs Coventry, Home win, 2/1
Peterborough vs Ipswich, Away win, 2/1
Birmingham vs Derby, Home win, 13/8
St Johnstone vs Kilmarnock, Home win, 10/11
50p @ 76/1

Bet the first is pretty much the same as the usual farfetched Grambler bet.  Once again, a win looks unlikely here... Perhaps 3 out of the 5 will come out correct.  However, whilst said scenario is possibly the best outcome, them pets don't win prizes as Dale Winton used to say... Actually, I'm not sure that he ever did say that.  I was about to Tweet him and ask but the only accounts for him seem to be fake. So I tweeted original PWP host Danny Baker instead.  


Bet 2: Three game accumulator from the Premiership
Game, Result, Odds
Man City vs Barnsley, Home win, 1/7
West Brom vs Swansea, Home win, 29/20
Norwich vs Southampton, Draw, 12/5
50p @ 9/1

Our second bet aims to make The Grambler a touch more exciting by focusing purely on the Bestest League in the World.  For most people, the Premiership represents more exciting football than Torquay vs Accrington Stanley.  So by placing a bet only on Premiership games, the weekend may not be ruined even though the early kick off League Two game has already lost the main bet.  The FA Cup includes many top tier teams this weekend so these games have been included, hence the presence of Barnsley. The bet is not too shabby; Man City are the clear favourites in their match, West Brom have tremendous home form behind them and both Norwich and Southampton are prone to draws.  I should really have included a joke about Tevez putting City in the driving seat just there...

Bet 3: Three man anytime goalscorer accumulator from the Premiership
Player, Odds
Romelu Lukaku, 6/5
Edin Dzeko, 8/13
Steven Fletcher, 6/4
50p @ 8/1

Mixing things up a little, we have a goalscorer bet for the first time ever.  This is a historical moment, perhaps on as par with the moment that the Pope assassinated Trotsky on the moon.  Picked via random number generator from a list of all Premiership players to have scored 5 or more goals this season, the results are interesting.  West Brom's on-loan Lukaku has been in good form recently, whilst Dzeko can be good for a goal if Man City are in control...  The main problem is that he may not start.  Finally, Sunderland's Steve Fletcher has 10 goals thus far, most of which have come at home.  Unfortunately they are away to Ol' Melty Face Redknapp's QPR this afternoon.  Still, this bet may just make this afternoon's Grambling that little bit more enthralling.


A massive total of £48.50 up for grabs today from a £1.50 bet.  Should this format come anywhere close to success I'll be sticking to it.  Otherwise, I'll be doing a Cardinal Keith and pretending that this never happened...

Happy Gramblin!

Week 23 (although we missed a few...): The much heralded return of The Grambler!

There comes a point in every player's career where they decide enough is enough, hang up the ol' boots, take off the ol' shin-guards and air out the ol' jockstrap.  Tradition stated that footballers would invest in a pub.  Or in Paul Gascoigne's case, drink the contents of several (oh shut up, it's topical!)

But for some players, the call of the beautiful game is too alluring.  Stanley Matthews played on until the age of 50.  Romario came out of retirement to go on to claim a (disputed) 1,000th career-goal.  More recently, Paul Scholes came out of retirement to prove that he could still trot around the midfield looking fat and ginger whilst occasionally scoring a screamer.   

So whilst injuries and ailments have curtailed what was a most promising Grambling career, there is no reason why I should throw in the towel just yet.  I have been in talks with my various agents who have all begged me to re-consider my knee-jerk retiral and I have decided to continue for the time being.  So watch out bowel cancer, I ain't done fighting you yet!  That massive multi-hundred pounds windfall for the Booby Moore Fund could be just a weekend away!

Oh, and did I mention the Grambler t-shirt?  I'm pretty sure that I mentioned the Grambler t-shirt.  You should buy a Grambler t-shirt!  A few people have already bought a Grambler t-shirt.  The Grambler t-shirt in question looks very nice too!

Game 1: Blackburn Rovers vs Ipswich Town
Prediction: Home win
Remember the days when Blackburn would appear here every week?  Well since then, they have apppointed approximately 143 managers.  Currently enjoying his 15 minutes in the hotseat is Michael Aplleton, who joined Rovers after a spell of five games in charge of Blackpool.  But his knowledge of chicken based products earned him the trust of the Ewood Park bosses and he has guided Rovers to a towering position of... em.. 13th in the Championship.  Rovers could give a début to new loan signing and popular entertainment act at children's birthday parties throughout Lancashire, DJ Campbell.  Ipswich have also been affected by managerial change this season.  Paul Jewell insisted that he could turn the Tractorboys' season around but was relieved of his duties back in October with the side dead bottom.  Mick McCarthy has since brought some stability but the club are only four points outside of the relegation zone.  They will also have to make-do without their top-scorer who bagged ten goals in the first half of the season only to return to his parent club in January.  The man in question?  Loan signing and popular entertainment act at children's birthday parties throughout Lancashire, DJ Campbell.
Odds on this result: Evens


Game 2: Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs Celtic
Prediction: Home win
It's a top of the table clash at the Tulloch Caledonian Stadium where 2nd will play host to 1st on a chilly Highland Saturday morning.  Exciting stuff!  Or it least, it would be if the championship was not already a foregone conclusion.  But ignoring top and bottom in the SPL, it's actually a rather exciting season.  Honest!  Just nine points separate 2nd top from 2nd bottom and the the race for second place in the absence of one half of the Old Firm (who are busy releasing some bizarre paranoia-fuelled statements about the media, so cringeworthy that anyone would think that they were written by Jim Traynor...) is wide open.  Terry Butcher has voiced concerns over the fitness of forwards Richie Foran and Andrew Shinnie, but if it comes to it, I'm sure he'll find some fresh meat.  Celtic will be favourites to win this match, without a doubt, but two things may stand in their way; 1) they have slipped up in this fixture in the past and 2) they may have one eye on a particularly bigger tie on Tuesday.  Namely, the Conference Premier battle between Cambridge United and Alfreton Town.  Celtic will be without Efe Ambrose who is either representing Nigeria at the African Cup of Nations or at a sales conference for creamy Devon Custard products.
Odds on this result: 9/2

Game 3: Peterborough United vs Leicester City
Prediction: Away win
Poorly Peterborough currently prop up the Championship table with a meagre 27 points.  One win in the last five attempts will have given the Posh faithful little to smile about, but it's not all bad news; they have only lost 60% of their home games this season.  Oh wait, it is all bad news.  To top of a miserable spell for the side, club captain and notable prankster Gabriel Zakuani has been charged with animal cruelty for stapling a blindfold on to George Boyd's guide dog.  Meanwhile, Leicester are riding high and sipping champagne-substitute in the lofty perch of 2nd place.  Despite a 10 point gap between the Foxes and top-side Cardiff, Leicester are the only team in the league to have managed a 100% record for their games played in 2013.  Can they hold their nerve for an automatic promotion spot?  According to this source: Maybe!  The sides have met already this season, Leicester emerging victorious thanks to goals from King and Morgan.  Or some guy called King Morgan, my records are a little jumbled.
Odds on this result: 7/10

Game 4: Swansea City vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Home win
For the past two years, Swansea have been everyone's Yeah, I Don't Really Support Them But They're Nice To Watch And I Like To See Them Win As Long As It Is Not Against My Own Team team.  Their blend of stylish football under Brendan Rodgers has been replaced by a blend of stylish football under Michel Laudrup and let's face it, everyone currently has a bit of a man-crush on Michu.  But stylish football only counts for so much and the Swans have only won 2 in 10.  In 5 of those games, they failed to score a single goal.  With Laudrup selling Danny Graham in the transfer window without replacing him, and Michu going 6 games without a goal, can they maintain their top-six status?  QPR have had a tough season.  I would have liked to have seen them turn it around and survive, I really would.  But then they appointed Harry Redknapp.  (Alleged) tax-evader, (alleged) bribe-taker, player tapper-upper, best-buddies-with-the-media, smug, 'England's saviour', wheeler-dealer... He really is the most unlikeable bawbag in football, isn't he?  Coming in as QPR manager, he promised new tactics and a fresh outlook... Of course he didn't!  I was just kidding!  He waited for the transfer window, hung out of his car window all day chatting up the journos and threw piles and piles of cash at players!  £12 million for Samba?  I'll take three!  Loic Remy wants how much a week?  Double it!  With any luck they will go down, but loveable 'Arry will jump ship, blame the chairman and find a bank account in a dead pet's name full of cash to enjoy, whilst Henry Winter and the other dinosaurs in the football media push for him to get a knighthood.  As for QPR?  Financial ruin.  Players leaving for minimal fees.  Wage promises that cannot be fulfilled.  How are Portsmouth doing these days?  Top, top lad, that 'Arry is!  Summary: I don't like him.
Odds on this result: 5/6


Game 5: Queen of the South vs Stenhousemuir
Prediction: Home win
And this week's Grambler fizzles out there, with a trip to the Scottish Second Division where league-leaders Queen of the South take on a Stenhousemuir side which has faltered around the table's midway point for most of the season.  Queens' manager Allan Johnston has his side playing with mucho confidence at the moment and this is shown in their record of eight wins and a draw in the last nine games.  Surprisingly, Johnston is a) The Alan Johnston who was capped 18 times by Scotland (mostly by Berti 'everyone gets a cap!' Vogts) and b) Still playing despite being 56.  With odds of 9/1 to take all three points from this game, the visitors may not fancy their chances.  But fans may be placated purely by the fact that their team has a player called Daniel Exposito-Hepburn.  Seriously, read that name again... It has everything!  I can imagine a Bond villain, Hollywood star, royal family hanger-on and corrupt African diamond mine owner rolled into one.  See what your missing out on, BBC?  Stay tuned for more expert analysis courtesy of The Grambler!  
Odds on this result: 2/7

Which brings us to a grand total 44/1 for this weeks proud return to the Grambling arena.  Not a bad bet really, the main cause for concern is obviously our trip to the Highlands for the SPL game but Juventus beckon for Celtic and a hiccup would be understandable.

With that over and done with, it's time to take of the ol' boots off once again and pour a nice cuppa to reflect upon a glorious career... One which may now continue into the twilight years (or months(or weeks)).

Week 20: Following in the footsteps of Orwell.

Some projects can result in life changing experiences with devoted workers often given the opportunity to travel the world in search of essential information and fresh research to make said project a success.  The Grambler can now count itself as one of these endeavours.  Having previously been written from such majestic locations as 'my flat' and 'the Starbucks down the road', this edition is brought to you live from... the hospital!

Not just any hospital though (warning: history lesson due to commence) for it was this very hospital to which a Mr Eric Arthur Blair was admitted for treatment for tuberculosis back in 1947.  Blair was better known by his drag-queen stage-name name Big Barbara McBoobs but others may know him by his pen-name; George Orwell.  Orwell was already a well known novelist and satirist sadly nearing the end of his days as he arrived in said hospital.  He had made a name for himself with writings and essays based on his own experiences policing in Burma, living rough in Paris and Britain, fighting the war on fascism in Spain and encountering a farm run by a Stalinist pig.  But in the year 1947 in this very hospital, Orwell started work on his most famous and influential novel.  Based in a Dystopian future where governments had complete control over the population's every waking move and policed their thoughts, this book would go on to be used as a warning against officials gaining too much power the world over.  Orwell titled it 'Crazy Winston and the Great Mystery of Them People What Can Read Minds and Do Other Bad Stuff: With A Vengeance' but the publishers changed it to 1984.  So there you go, this blog is being written in the very same spot as one of the greatest pieces of literature of all time!  And by very same spot, I obviously mean that it was two miles down the road and demolished over 50 years ago, but let's not let facts get in the way of interesting nonsense.  Besides, I'm sure ol' George would have been ecstatic about the overpriced, PFI funded, already crumbling hospital full of failing equipment which has taken it's name.

And with that piece of satire which Mr Orwell would have been proud of, how's about some predictions?

Game 1: Fulham vs Swansea 
Prediction: Home win
Martin Jol's Fulham side were somewhat impressive last season as they finished the season comfortably in 9th place.  However, they have been hot and cold this season and currently languish in 14th.  A Boxing Day draw with Premiership strugglers Southampton angered Jol but he should perhaps have less offended by the result and more offended by striker Dimitar Berbatov.  The Bulgarian striker has been one of the most likeable strikers in the top flight for the past decade.  Often appearing lazy and always cocky with a 'couldn't care less' attitude and insane amount of skill, Berbatov has been a joy to watch.  However, he had to tarnish his image by celebrating with a 'keep calm and pass me the ball' T-shirt; a variation of the choice slogan of the brain dead, one which adorns every other item in Poundland...  Why Dimitar?  Swansea have enjoyed a good first-half of the season under Michael Laudrup and currently sit 9th in the table.  They failed to impress in their midweek game however, running out a goalless draw with relegation-fodder Reading at home.  Unfortunately for the Swans, top-scorer and bargain of the season Michu has been ruled out for this match, denting their chances of a win.  Laudrup will hope that Danny Graham can find his form from last season to provide the goals.  And also that crazed Ashley Williams doesn't go on another killing spree.
Odds: 11/10

Game 2: Morton vs Dunfermline
Prediction: Away win
The pick of the games from the First Division schedule today sees 2nd take on 3rd as both sides aim to remove Patrick Thistle from pole position.  There are now only two points separating the top three sides in the division as we head into the second-half of the season.  Morton fans will have been delighted by their sides recent form as they are now undefeated since the 10th of November.  On Wednesday they managed to pull of what seemed like the impossible by defeating Thistle at Firhill, thus ending the leader's impressive 100℅ home record.  Morton fans will be less delighted to realise that they live in Greenock.  Dunfermline had been impressive in the early stages of the season but have not won a single league game this month.  They were unfortunate to fall to defeat at home to Falkirk on Boxing Day, losing to a 90th minute Bairns goal.  Pars gaffer Jim Jeffries has described this tie as a 'massive' match in the race for the title, no doubt with his usual enthusiasm that makes him sound like he is about to throw himself in front of a moving freight train.
Odds:6/4

Game 3: Sunderland vs Tottenham
Prediction: Home win
Sunderland have, for the most part, been unimpressive this season.  In the early stages of the campaign they became known as draw specialists prone to throwing away leads whilst manager Martin O'Neill became one of the bookies favourites for the sack.  But the Black Cats gifted their fans with a seasonal stocking filler in the form of a 1-0 win over current champions Manchester City thanks to a goal from Adam Johnson.  The Wearside team have now won three of their last four league games, having kept a clean-sheet in each victory, and will be hoping to continue this resurgence.  Spurs fans seem to slowly coming to terms with manager Andres Vilas-Boas' methods.  The boss was booed by sections of the Spurs support after a sloppy start to the season but with his side now eyeing up third-spot in the league the boos have changed to sighs at the Portuguese's rugged features.  Tottenham recorded their biggest victory of the season against current Premiership whipping boys Aston Villa on Boxing Day, inspired by hat-trick from simian-lookalike cheat Gareth Bale (nope, I've still not forgiven him for that dive against Scotland).  Spurs have not allowed their defender Danny Rose, currently on-loan at Sunderland, to turn out against them today resulting in Rose reportedly telling his dad on them.
Odds: 11/4

Game 4: Brighton vs Watford 
Prediction: Home win
Brighton are currently placed a respectable 10th in the Championship but lead the way in two unwanted areas in the league; they have drawn more games than any other side in the division this year, with 10 draw in 23 attempts, and they have failed to score in more home games than other side.  They have yet to record a win in December, although last week's match against the Comedic Imploding Chicken Factory XI was postponed due to a waterlogged pitch.  The Seagulls have made several sacrifices in the name of Aztec rain God Tlalec this week to ensure that the Falmer Stadium is fit for some footballing action today.  Brighton welcome back midfielder Gary Dicker from injury... Nope, can't think of any jokes about his name.  Watford have shown their intent to return to the Premiership following a takeover from The Mafia the Pozzo family and find themselves 6th and challenging for a playoff place.  The Hornets have won twice and drawn once in their last four but like their opponents, their last match was a washout.  Unlike their opponents, manager Gianfranco Zola performed ceremonies to the Inuit rain God Asiaq.  One of them has to have picked the right deity.    Whatever the outcome of today's game, don't expect Watford to park the bus.  It's something that they have trouble with.
Odds: 1/1

Game 5: Aldershot vs Torquay
Prediction: Home win
Damn you Torquay, where were you last week when I needed a turkey pun?  It's useless showing up now, at least 350 days before anyone is likely to even contemplate eating turkey!  You deserve to lose for crap timing alone.  Not that it matters anyway as this game is this week's Game What Has Been Called Off Because Of The Bloody Typical British Weather Of The Week.
Odds: 8/5

Them are some swell predictions!  And should they all be correct, £102 shall be added to the Bobby Moore Fund fund.  Worth mentioning that the reason for my hospitalisation is linked to the marauding bastard that is bowel cancer, so here's a thought seeing as it's the season of goodwill and giving... You know that lovely wee granny of yours who gave you £20 for Christmas? Show her how kind you can be by nicking her purse and giving the contents to the Bobby Moore Fund.

Have a good New Year all, we shall return for some more Grambling in 2013!

Week 16: Celebrating 100 years of Albanian independence!

From the desk of Tony Fernandes (Chairman), Queens Park Rangers Football Club 
Minutes of interview with applicant for position of manager, Harold Redknapp (excerpt)
Friday, 23rd November 2012

H. Redknapp: "...and it looks like you've got a t'riffic bunch o' lads at the club.  They can play some t'riffic football.  They really are a top, top bunch o' lads."

T. Fernandes: "Great!  I am very excited by the prospect of working with you Harold and would not hesitate to offer you the job.  Do you have any questions first of all?"

H. Redknapp: "Well, there is just one thing...

T. Fernandes: "Yes?"

H. Redknapp: "About my wages..."

T. Fernandes: "Hmmm?"

H. Redknapp: "Could you pay them to my offshore bank account in the Cayman Islands?"

T. Fernandes: "Certainly, that shouldn't be a problem!"

H. Redknapp: "And can you make it payable to my dead dog Mr Scruffles?"

T. Fernandes: "Okay..."

H. Redknapp: "And could you officially unveil a past-the-sell-by-date tin of jellied eels as the manager of the club?  Just for, y'know, tax purposes..."

T. Fernandes: "That's a bit strange but I suppose so..."

H. Redknapp: "Lovely jubbly!"

End of transcription

All of the above definitely happened (unless you happen to be a legal representative of H. Redknapp, in which case it definitely did not happen).

I am a tad short of time this week as I am attending the first Meeting of United Gramblers Associated for Betting Enhancement (MUGABE for short).  Therefore, I shall be providing a short summary of each game whilst applying my learnings from Joey Barton's School of the French Language. 

Game 1: Arsenal vs Swansea City
Prediction: Home win
"Zee Arsenal are... 'owyousay... due grande win.  Swan sea 'ave been très bien this season.  Will be le good game!" 
Reliability onions: 6/10
Odds on this result: 2/5

Game 2: Acrington Stanley vs Oxford United
Prediction: Home win
"Sacre Bleu, ees the FA Cup!  Oxford win 5-0 against Acrington in league, non? La fromage!"  
Reliability onions: 5/10
Odds on this result: 11/8

Game 3: Stenhousemuir vs Falkirk
Prediction: Away win
"What is zee Stenhousemuir?  Ees eet made of poulet?  Falkirk maybe win thees.  Zut alors!"
Reliability onions: 4/10
Odds on this result: 17/20

Game 4: Lincoln City vs Mansfield Town
Prediction: Draw
"Both teams ees Conference team.  So zee cup ees zee big baguette!  Je suis la football." 
Reliability onions: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5

Game 5: Peterborough United vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
"Ah oui, zee Blackpool avec zee crappy Eiffel Tower! Le Posh are... 'owyousay... le pish?"
Reliability onions: 4/10
Odds on this result: 19/10

There is yer bet for this week, with additional ridiculing of Joey Barton and potentially mild racism.  Now run to your local bookmakers, run as fast as you can, and place this bet with odds of 60/1.  Tell them that the Grambler sent you and get a free look of confusion.

Week 15 Results: With 100% added lost bet!

This week I have learned that 100% more bets is not equal to 100% more wins.  I have also learned that Chelsea fans hold grudges if you belittle their plastic flags and are rather fickle when it comes to the sacking and appointment (and subsequent sacking) of managers.  In order to avoid alienating them thus causing a backlash against The Grambler, I'd better not mention their piss-poor plastic flags and pathetic treatment of Rafa Benitez on his début...

With an accuracy rate of just 40% for both bets, my prophecy of a at least one win this weekend went unfulfilled.  Speaking of prophecies, there are only 25 days to go until the end of the world!  (And I still haven't put up that damned towel-rail...)  This also means that we only have three more sessions of Grambling left to win that vast fortune which was predicted by our forefathers.  Although, we are all going to be dead by Christmas anyway so it doesn't really matter too much.    

Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Bolton Wanderers
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Just out of interest, is a bright-on what a light bulb gets when it is aroused?  Okay, enough filament related filth... This prediction came oh-so-close to being a reality.  And I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for that meddling David Ngog!  The Seagulls dominated the first half and could easily have had the points sealed by the break.  In the 14th minute, Craig Mackail-Smith raced into the box and crossed only for the ball to be blocked by the hand of Darren Pratley.  The referee awarded a penalty but Brighton's Ashley Barnes failed to convert, with Bolton's Adam Bogdan making the save.  Did I mention that Bogdan is Ron Weasely?  Because he is.  Andrea Orlandi and Dean Hammond both saw their attempts on goal hit Bogdan's crossbar in the first half and the game remained goalless at the break.  In the second-half, Smith became the third luckless Brighton player to strike the bar but his team soon took the lead; an Orlandi freekick was cleared to the edge of the box where it found Bruno Saltor, who struck the ball into the bottom corner.  Wanderers created few chances but Tomasz Kuszczak had to be alert to save from Jacob Butterfield.  However, it was just not to be Albion's day.  In the sixth minute of stoppage time and with the very last kick of the ball, Ngog struck to claim a point and extend manager Dougie Freedman's (and Bolton's) unbeaten run to five games.

Game 2: Swansea City vs Liverpool
Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )
Brendan Rodgers's lauded return to Swansea failed to live up to the hype as the match ended in a somewhat drab goalless draw.  The Reds looked to be the better team from the offset and came close to leading when Raheem Sterling's sterling volley struck the crossbar.  Minutes later, Liverpool had the ball in the back of the net via Luis Enrique's back-post shot, but the linesman was having none of it, flagging for offside much to the annoyance of popular Liverpudlian entertainer Cilla Black.  Probably.  Swansea boss Michael Laudrup changed tactics at half-time and introduced Ki Sung-yeung and the gamble appeared to pay-off with City enjoying a strong period after the break.  Cap'n Ashley Williams headed a powerful shot on goal from a corner only to see his former Swansea team-mate Joe Allen clear from the line.  Swansea had the chance to take the lead in the dying moments of the match when Allen brought down Ki on the edge of the box, but Pepe Reina saved a fierce shot from Swans winger and most Spanish sounding Spanish-man in the history of Spanish-men Pablo Hernández Domínguez.  Reports that he was wearing a sombrero and eating paella at the time have yet to be confirmed. 

Game 3: East Fife vs Arbroath
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Billy Brown watched his East Fife win at home for the first time in a hard-fought win at the New Bayview Stadium.  The match started brightly when Arbroath's player/manager/tea-lady Paul Sheerin hit a long-range effort forcing Fifers keeper Calum Antel into a fine save in just the 2nd minute.  One minute later and the action was at the other end of the pitch, where Scott McBride struck the post with a shot from the edge of the area.  Ten minutes later, East Fife opened the scoring; the lively Bobby Barr crossed from the left-wing for Sean Jamieson to score his first goal of the season.  But the visitors were to pull level close to the break when a Steven Doris shot deflected off his team-mate Paul Currie and into the net.  The Fifers took just two minutes to restore their lead after the interval, via another long-range effort from McBride.  The midfielder tried his luck from 25 yards and was rewarded with a cracking goal.  Currie was to come close to equalising once again but his strike bounced off the crossbar.   Brown said of the match “ni povus estis kvar aŭ kvin ĝis la paŭzo kaj mi estis vere feliĉaj per niaj deziro tie" demonstrating both his pleasure at his sides desire and his fluency in Esperanto.

Game 4: Barnsley vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Cardiff moved top of the table following a win at Barnsley coupled with Crystal Palace's defeat in Leeds.  The bluebirds took the lead in the 22nd minute when teenager Ben Nugent marked his first league start with a goal.  Peter Whittingham provided the assist via a corner and the defender headed home.  Stephen Dawson and Marcus Tudgay both squandered chances for the home-side before half-time and six minutes after the break, the visitors doubled their lead.  Aron Gunnarsson found himself unmarked at the back-post and headed in from another Whittingham corner.  The Tykes were given some hope when Jacob Mellis slotted home in the 71st minute and were even presented with a one-man advantage as Cardiff débutant Simon Lappin received a second yellow card.  However, they failed to make the most of their chances and have now taken just two points from their last seven games.  Oddly enough, this was Cardiff's first victory wearing their traditional blue shirts this season.  Following the furore surrounding the business-minded switch to red in the summer, City have only worn blue as a change strip but amidst poor away form, they had yet to win in their 'old' colours.  So... ahem... Despite their fans originally getting shirty about it, the team have been red-hot in their new colours but have given fans the blues in their traditional strips.  Please hold your applause until the end!  

Game 5: Aston Villa vs Arsenal
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Well this was a bit of a damp squib.  Incidentally, does anyone actually know what a squib is?  According to the Oxford English Dictionary (and by proxy, Susie Dent) a squib is 'a small firework that burns with a hissing sound before exploding.'  You cannot say that The Grambler does not educate!  The only talking point from the first half was Villa's Andreas Weimann having a shot ruled-out for offside.  And in spite of what his name may suggest, Weimann is actually 6ft 2in...  The second half had more action with Aaron Ramsey coming close for the Gunners whilst at the other end Brett Holman forced the constenant-friendly Arsenal keeper Szczesny into a fine save.  The point earned helped to move the Villains out of the relegation zone but for Arsenal, it was a missed chance to overtake fifth-placed Everton.  Speaking after the match, Arsene Wenger said "we played with three strikers, but that doesn't mean you score goals.  We are a very offensive team."  Meanwhile, Arsenal strikers Santa Cazorla, Lukas Podolski and Olivier Giroud lurked in the background making mildly rude hand gestures and vociferating various synonyms for both male and female genitalia.

And here's how that SUPER MAGNIFICENT BONUS BET went:

Game: Both teams to score?, Odds
Miton Keynes Dons vs Colchester United: Yes, 10/11 ( ✔ )
Brechin City vs Forfar athletic: No, 7/4 ( x )
Charlton Athletic vs Huddersfield Town: No, 11/10 ( x )
Tottenham Hotspur vs West Ham: No, 11/10 ( x )
Everton vs Norwich City: Yes, 4/6 ( ✔ )

Hmm, not too well it would appear.  It was worth a shot.  This segment may return fleetingly where I can be bothered.    

Overall, I shall be marking this week down as 'could try harder.'  Perhaps next time will be the one.  Or the one after that.  Or the one after that.  And then we are all dead.  But it's best not to worry about that for now....

"After all, tomorrow is another day."

- Margaret Mitchell
(or Suggs) 

Week 15: With 100% added bet!

It's been a sacktastic week in football as Roberto Di Matteo pipped Mark Hughes to become the first Premiership P45-recipient of the season.  Steve Rafa Benitez has already taken over at Chelsea in a move that has both SHOCKED and SURPRISED the footballing world.  And ol' stroke-features himself Harry Redknapp the Loveable Tax-Evader looks set to take the job at QPR.  Will these managerial changes make a difference?  Doesn't matter to me, whatever The Grambler says goes around these parts. 
  
I'm warning you now, we have a terrible bet this week.  I normally try to be as optimistic as possible regardless of the outcome, but it seems like The Grambler has just gone out of his/her/its way to be awkward this week and picked a set of results that are just not going to happen.  For that reason, I have provided a bonus bet at the end; one that can't possibly go wrong!  Unless of course it goes wrong...  As it inevitably will...  In which case it can go wrong...

Read on, my good man/woman/person!

Game 1: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Bolton Wanderers
Prediction: Home win
Sports teams are often associated with birds for a reason; they are graceful creatures which soar through the sky freely and can be mastered by no man.  In the world of basketball, you can find the Atlanta Hawks, named for a fierce creature known to tear apart it's prey.  In Rugby Union, the Newcastle Falcons, named for a bird known for its speed and razor-sharp talons.  And then in football, you can find Brighton: The Seagulls, known for being a disease-ridden nuisance that jobby on people's heads from a great height.  It is little surprise that they are not the most feared in the Championship.  But Brighton have been hanging around the top of the division for a number of seasons and currently find themselves 7th.  Some good wins this year have been offset by a few too many draws, but they are only twice defeated at home.  And whilst over-analysing animalistic nicknames, we have Bolton... In the Championship alone, you can find Lions, Wolves and Tigers.  And then you have the mighty... Trotters.  Invoking images of pigs waddling around a sty in their own faeces.  Fearsome!  Since Dougie Freedman's arrival as manager, Bolton have gone unbeaten but have drawn 75% of games under his rule.  There is huge potential for a draw here but I reckon the home-side might just win it.    
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 11/10


Game 2: Swansea City vs Liverpool
Prediction: Draw
From Seagulls to Swans; the swan being a far more graceful bird and City have been one of the most graceful teams to, erm... grace the premiership in recent seasons.  Michael Laudrup's Swansea have carried over their good-form from last year's surprisingly good Premiership début and the team currently sit 10th in the league following a fine 2-1 victory over Newcastle last weekend.  Cap'n Ashley Williams has caused controversy this week with the well timed release of his book (seriously, does every footballer just automatically get a book deal these days?  Does anyone even know who Ashley Williams is?) featuring comments about wanting to 'knock-out' Luis Saurez for his diving.  Please do, Ashley.  Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers was dismissive of these jibes: "He's a good lad. Maybe it was something he didn't mean to get out there."  Yeah, because of course, if you didn't mean to get quotes out there, you would put them in a book...Liverpool will be looking to bounce back from a disappointing midweek draw against a bunch of young boys and could leapfrog their opponents in the Premiership table with a victory.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2


Game 3: East Fife vs Arbroath
Prediction: Home win
East Fife have not had the ideal start to the season.  Having been rooted to the bottom of the Second Division since the start of the season, they took just two points from the first eight games and endured a painful 5-1 defeat at Elgin.  Meanwhile, manager Gordon Durie had to take leave due to illness, leaving them manager-less.  Fortunately for East Fife, the appointment of Billy Brown earlier this month has brought some stability to the club and a 3-0 win over Albion Rovers last week has lifted them out of the relegation zone.  Unfortunately for East Fife, Bob Malcolm plays for them.  Arbroath are seven points ahead of their opponents in the league and have been in good form at home, winning four of six.  However, their away form has not been so good, with only one win in six attempts.   Arbroath have not lost a match to the Fifers since March 2010 and the teams have drawn three times in six ties since then.  Also, what do you call a pirates favourite football team?  Arrrrrrrbroath!
Reliability balls:
Odds on this result: 6/4


Game 4: Barnsley vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Draw
Or alternatively, Barrrrrrrrrrnsley!  The Tykes play host to second-placed Cardiff this weekend as they bid to move away from the relegation zone to the comfort of mid-table mediocrity.  Barnsley have played eight home games already this season, winning two, drawing three and losing three.  They have only managed to score six goals in their ties at Oakwell so do not expect a high-scoring game.  Débuts could be offered to their three new loan signings Emile Sinclair, Jonathan Greening and Akos Buzsaky. Cardiff are challenging for the top-spot and the chance to become the second Welsh team in the Premiership.  They currently sit two points from top side Crystal Palace and are looking for a third win in a row.  At home, City have a 100% record, but they appear to be complacent on the road and have amassed five losses away from home.  The Bluebirds (there is a real 'bird' thing going on this week) signed Norwich defender Simon Lappin on loan midweek and he could start tomorrow.  Interesting aside: Lappin takes his name from the French phrase "si mon lapin" translating as "if my rabbit."  Probably. 
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 12/5 


Game 5: Aston Villa vs Arsenal
Prediction: Home win
Struggling Aston Villa take on underachieving Arsenal in a game that the media have dubbed 'the Battle of the Only Two Teams in the Premiership Whose Names Begin With the Letter A.'  Possibly.  Villa currently inhabit a spot in the relegation zone thanks to their faltering start to the season.  They have only won a single game at home this season, against Swansea back in September.  Manager Paul Lambert will be serving a one-match dugout suspension so expect him to be sitting in the stands duetting with some X-Factor reject girl singing this song.  Meanwhile, Arsenal have not been having a bad season but fans will be disappointed to look at the table and see both West Brom and Everton above them.  The Gunners secured passage to the next stage of the Champions League with a 2-0 victory over Montpellier on Wednesday and Arsene Wenger will expect another victory here.  There has also been good news for fans of the Arse' this week as the team agreed a sponsorship deal worth £150 million.  With that kind of money at his disposal, expect Wenger to dig deep in January to unearth the next Carl Jenkinson.
Reliability balls: 3/10
Odds on this result: 4/1

The total odds for this week's Gramblings are 312/1.  Not going to happen, is it?

Hence why I have decided to include the GRAMBLER SUPER BONUS BET!  Last week, I placed a bet for myself using the 'both teams to score' market.  Tis pretty straight forward; the question is will both teams score?  The answer is either YES! (in which case both teams score) or NO! (in which case either one team won't score or both teams won't score).  Anyhow, I won some money on this and thought "hmm, this could be Grambled up a bit!"  As their are two outcomes rather than three, it could provide more chance of winning so it's worth a bash!  Five games, a 50p bet, no jibberish.... And we get:

Game: Both teams to score?, Odds
Miton Keynes Dons vs Colchester United: Yes, 10/11
Brechin City vs Forfar athletic: No, 7/4
Charlton Athletic vs Huddersfield Town: No, 11/10
Tottenham Hotspur vs West Ham: No, 11/10
Everton vs Norwich City: Yes, 4/6

Total odds on the GRAMBLER SUPER BONUS BET are 39/1.

Will the main bet shock us all and come good?  Will the bonus bet be the saviour of The Grambler?  Will Captain  Delbert Gugliuzza be able to disarm the bomb whilst simultaneously evacuating all of the orphans from the building?  Tune in on Monday (or Tuesday) to find out!