A Grambler walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The bartender says "hang on, aren't you a spreadsheet? Or at very best a figment of some idiot's imagination with personality characteristics reflected upon it via a poorly written football blog?"
The Grambler replied "shut up and give me a pint, you beer-mongering scallywag!"
The bartender duly pulls the customer a pint of locally-brewed, weak lager and it retires to a booth by the window. After a couple of minutes of enjoying the pint and the dulcet tones of The Carpenters emanating from the nearby jukebox, The Grambler was shocked to find that his table had started to rotate wildly causing the lager to spill. Frustrated, the dataset approached the bar and ordered another pint. Retiring to another seat so as not to tempt fate, The Grambler places his pint on the table only for it to start spinning rapidly, throwing it's pint glass accross the room. Trying one more time, as these jokes always seem to have three attempts prior to the punchline, it found the same scenario played out.
Angered by this inability to enjoy a quiet drink, The Grambler approaches the barman once more and says "what the ruddy 'eck is going on here?" (having suddenly taken on the persona of a Yorkshireman), "I'm just trying to enjoy a drink and your furniture keeps rotating!"
"Ah, well..." starts the barman. "Seeing as you are a piece of data software..."
"I thought you'd enjoy a pivot table!"
Yes that's right, I've lowered myself to spreadsheet humour! So about those predictions...
Game 1: Airdrie United vs Hamilton Acidemical
Prediction: Home win
Oh yes, it's the crap Lanarkshire teams derby! Clydebank Franchise #1 FC have taken only one point from their last five league games despite a good start to the season, whereby they won their first two matches. Manager Jimmy Boyle has bemoaned his sides defensive frailties, commenting that they aren't comfortable on the ball, give it away cheaply and need to improve. "We aren't confident enough on the ball and give it away cheaply. We need to improve" he told reporters. Hamilton Acidemical, whose name suggests highly intelligent players with a home strip of robes and mortar boards, have fared even worse in the league this season. Taking just three points from seven games, Billy Reid's side sit second bottom of the First Division. Do you know what would cheer him up? Watching footage of himself falling on his backside whilst trying to grab the top of the dugout shelter. On repeat.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/8
Game 2: West Bromwich Albion vs Queens Park Rangers
Prediction: Draw
The first of two Premiership games this week sees high flying West Brom take on bottom side QPR. The Baggies, named so for their love of early-90s dance orientated music primarily coming out of Manchester, have impressed from the off this season, with three wins and only one loss in their first six games. Steve Clarke has generally spent his career as an assistant but is proving that he is no Maurice Malpas with West Brom's current form. He has certainly come a long way since his Eastenders days. QPR meanwhile, are crap. Ludicrously rich chairman Tony Fernandes has put a fair amount of money into the club and Mark Hughes has decided that, instead of investing it in youth or lesser known talent, he would like to buy fifty odd has-beens and watch them lose on a weekly basis. Sitting bottom of the league and with an unpredictable rich owner who appears to know very little about football? Get your bets in for the first managerial casualty of the season! A draw is the best we can hope for, but even that seems unlikely.
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 11/4
Game 3: Forfar Athletic vs Alloa Athletic
Prediction: Away win
Yaaaaas, sitting here writing this 'ere blog and True by Spandau Ballet has just come on t'radio! Anyway, where was I? Ah, Forfar vs Alloa... The battle of the Athletics... Is that a derby? I'm going to say yes. Hah, hah, hah, haaahaaahaaaa (damn, this is going to be stuck in my head all day.) Anyhoo, Forfar are another in-form team with an impressive five wins and a draw form their last six. If they keep up this form, manager Dick Campbell will be back on the karaoke! Alloa are six points behind their opponents with a reasonable three wins and a draw from their seven games. They have good away form too, winning two thirds of their games on the road. The last time the two sides met at Station Park, Forfar were comfortable winners with a 3-1 victory, could the Wasps be out for revenge? Saxophone solo!
Reliability balls: 4/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
Game 4: Chelsea vs Norwich City
Prediction: Home win
The current European Champions take on take on the current... em, Norwich. Chelsea are unbeaten this season and have only dropped two points in a 0-0 draw with QPR. Their impressive run has been aided by recent(ish) acquisitions of Eden Hazzard and Juan Mata. They could have been joined by Athletico Madrid's Radamel Falcao but he went all Elvis Costello on them. Norwich have not been having such a great time this season. Last season, they exceeded expectations under Paul Lambert (let's see that again!), but since his departure for Aston Villa and the subsequent appointment Chris Hughton, they have failed to impress. Currently sitting in the relegation zone with a poor three points from six games, the mustard-mongers could already be candidates for relegation already. In case you can't tell, 'monger' is my affix of the week.
Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 2/9
Game 5: Millwall vs Bolton Wanderers
Prediction: Home win
"No one likes us, we don't care" so goes the old Millwall ditty. Well they should care, because Craig Noone seems like a thoroughly decent bloke. Millwall have been sulking around the bottom half of the Championship for the past two seasons and currently sit in the relegation zone with just eight points from nine games. And thanks to manager Kenny Jackett, Millwall are the proud recipients of The Grambler's Childish Giggle of the Week award. Bolton wandered out of the Premiership at the end of last season and don't look like they'll be making a quick return. Former 'brilliant up-and-coming young manager' turned 'mediocre not-really-going-anywhere-fast middle-aged manager' Owen Coyle seems to have taken to blaming referees for his failures and his side are currently just three points ahead of Millwall. And worse still for the boss, he is struggling to pay off his debt of raw materials to the spring factory. That's right, he's owing coil (this joke is copyrighted and I will sue if you try to use it without prior written consent.)
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 15/8
Game 6: Leyton Orient vs Sheffield United
Prediction: Home win
According to reliable sources (Wikipedia), Leyton Orient took their name from their founder who had worked for the Orient Shipping Company. Initially called Clapton Orient, reflecting their home-town, the side moved to Leyton after the second World War therefore becoming Leyton Orient. As the Orient Shipping Company was taken over by P&O, they should really be called Leyton P&O so that is how they shall be referred to by me for the rest of my life. Please do join me in this campaign. P&O currently sit right in the middle of League One (technically that would mean 12.5th) and have a home record of two wins and two losses. Sheffield United have fared slightly better and are one of three teams to remain unbeaten in League One thus far. The Blades (named so because of their fans love of Wesley Snipes) have won two and drawn three on their travels. Could they put in a blunt performance this week? Call it a stab in the dark, but I think this could be a winner. Manager Danny Wilson could soon be for the chop. Their strikers have been known to slice their shots. I could go on....
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 12/5
Game 7: Brentford vs Crawley Town
Prediction: Away win
And finally we arrive in Brentford, a suburb of London which is famous for housing the headquarters of the Tie Rack. And possibly some other stuff. The football team have spent most of their existence dithering about the third tier of English football and currently sit tenth in the division with fourteen points. The Bees' manager Uwe Rösler says "in the last few games we have had problems up front and haven't had too many chances." They could learn a lot from their manager, who was the Premiership top scorer back in 1996... In a game of Championship Manager I once played... Paired up front with Stefan Kuntz... Crawley have slowly been creeping up the table this season (the joke there was creepy-crawly in case you missed it). They have perhaps been the surprise package in League One, with nineteen points in their ten games since promotion. Top scorer and captain Gary Alexander will be hoping to make an impression against his former club. I've heard he does a good Columbo.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
The Grambler has spoken! Go now and place your bets, lest ye be smited by the Great Grambling One! Total odds for this week are 1,523/1!
Did you notice that this week's effort was on time? Don't get too used to it... I shall be back between the hours of 9 a.m. Sunday and 11.30 p.m. Wednesday with the results. I call it 'Royal Mail timing.'
Friday, 5 October 2012
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Week 7 results: My dog has no nose!
"How does it smell?"
"Like despair, defeat, crushing failure after crushing failure... Much like The Grambler. Also, a little bit oniony."
Another week, another missed opportunity to cure bowel cancer via the awesome power of Grambling. Odds were down on previous weeks by about three quarters, suggesting that there was a slim chance of victory. But as usual, I sat at home on Monday morning in my underpants crying into my Cheerios whilst reading the results and realising that it would be at least another week before I could retire on the back of winning about £500.
Here are some fatuities:
Game 1: Exeter City vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Exeter set the mood for the weekend with a loss at home to Bristol rovers, with the home side handing the visitors two goals on a plate or similar serving dish. Bristol, who gave a first start to wasted-talent and utter bawbag Derek Riordan, opened the scoring early on when Exeter's Craig Woodman cleared the ball straight to Rovers striker David Clarkson. The former Motherwell favourite made no mistake from close-range (also, despite what his name may suggest, there is no evidence to prove that he is the offspring of the eponymous singer whose band of five knocked The Beatles off the top of the chart with Glad All Over). The Grecians had their share of chances to draw level but the score was to remain the same until the break. After the restart, nothing of note happened (with the exception of this week's Name of the Week winner Fabian Broghammer picking up a booking) until the 66th minute, when Jamie Cureton equalised from inside the Rovers penalty box. This was to be a short-lived reprieve though, as two minutes later an attempted pass-back from Tommy Doherty was intercepted by Eliot Richards who calmly slotted home the winner.
Game 2: Cardiff City vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Meanwhile in Wales, Cardiff were giving The Grambler some false hope with a comfortable win over Blackpool. Matthew Connolly opened the scoring with his first of the season, and first for the Redbirds, from a David Bellamy cross. Peter Whittingham doubled the home side's lead inside the half hour with a trademark free-kick. In the second half, Connolly sealed the win with his second, heading home from another Bellamy cross. Interesting fact for all you Matthew Connolly fans; his name is an anagram of Owl Latency Month, a festival celebrated every March by nocturnal bird and computer science enthusiasts the world over. As for Blackpool? Well let's just say that they failed to illuminate. They were under the pier. It looks like another roller-coaster season for them. Cardiff towered above them. They played like donkeys. They cannot say that life is a beach. They were all at sea. They have hit rock bottom. They failed to put on a show. They shan't be promenading through town. I could go on....
Game 3: Oldham Athletic vs Coventry City
Prediction: Away win ( ✔ )
A second correct prediction as Oldham lived up to their name by playing like... ageing meat-produce? Paul Dickov's side were unlucky not to take at least a point with one chance rebounding off the post, two cleared off the line and two strong penalty claims denied before they eventually succumbed to a 90th minute Coventry goal. In a game which could have gone either way, Cody McDonald scored the decisive goal late on, stooping to head in a Jamie Reckford cross. McDonald claimed that it was 'a weight off the players shoulders' to get their first three points whilst speaking to the Coventry Telegraph, who went with the rather predictable headline 'Cody Breaker.' Personally, I would have gone for something far more contrived, like 'The Da WINci Cody.' Any newspaper writers out there fancy giving me a job? No?
Game 4: Nottingham Forest vs Derby County
Prediction: Draw ( x )
In the East Midlands derby, there was a victory for Derby... Much to the delight of Josie d'Arby... Who drives a Volkswagen Derby... The main talking point of the game was the sending off of former Rams player Dexter Blackstock for an elbow on Richard Keogh. Forest manager Sean O'Driscoll defended his man, saying that whilst there was contact, it was clearly accidental. It was the forth sending off in four games between the two clubs. Blackstock himself took to Twitter to apologise to the fans, saying "sorry for letting the side down but I only had my eyes on the ball and never ever tried to elbow him gutted". In my opinion, he should have his ban doubled for complete disregard of punctuation. Derby took advantage of having an extra man ten minutes later when Craig Bryson tapped in from six yards. The victory allowed Derby to retain the Brian Clough trophy, an award contested between the two sides transformed by the legendary manager. Not to be confused with the Brian Cloth trophy, awarded to people called Brian in the textiles industry.
Game 5: Ayr United vs Brechin City
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Ayr overcame a shaky start to take all three points and keep a clean sheet for the first time this season. Brechin were awarded a penalty in the 15th minute when Austin McCann was adjudged to have handled the ball inside his area. McCann was sent for an early bath, but City failed to capitalise from the resultant penalty as Andrew Jackson's shot was saved by the Honest Men's honest man Alistair Brown. Surprisingly, United commanded the play despite their disadvantage and took the lead when Michael Moffat (who seems to have a shady past having murdered Shirley Bassey's daughter) dinked the ball over the onrushing keeper. Ayr doubled their lead in the second half when Marc Twaddle headed in from a corner. Interesting fact for all the Marc Twaddle fans; Marc thinks that Denzil Washington could play him in a movie of his life. I'm not sure but I think there might be a small likeness problem in this scenario... United completed the rout when midfielder, and Professor of Pathology and Co-Director of the Paul F. Glenn Laboratories for the Biological Mechanisms of Aging at Harvard Medical School, David Sinclair notched a goal on the rebound.
Game 6: Livingston vs Dumbarton
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Jumping up a division and everyone's favourite cricketer turned referee George Salmond was in charge as Livingston thrashed their opponents. There is definitely something fishy about him. The first goal came in the 9th minute when Marc McNulty volleyed in from twelve yards. This lead was doubled just three minutes later when Craig Barr headed home. Dumbarton were then presented a chance to claw their way back into the game when awarded a spot-kick but Chris Turner fired past the post. McNulty went on to score a second volley before half-time to all but seal the win. But Livingston were not content with three and created plenty more chances in the second half. Callum Booth, on loan from Hibs, scored the fourth after coming on as a substitute and a good day for Livi was rounded off with Keaghan Jacobs goal. And just to bring things full-circle, Jacobs could have chosen to go into professional cricket rather than football. Also, he is one of FOUR Jacobs brothers currently on Livingston's books. They also make crackers.
Game 7: Aston Villa vs West Brom
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Hopefully that is enough nonsense to make up for the laziness of Friday's effort. I am not bothering with the Champions League this time around as it is just another opportunity for me to waste time and money. So sit back, relax and pour yourself an Ovaltine; It's the malty hot-drink that helps you ovulate! (I have suggested this as a tagline to the company but they have not replied.)
This coming weekend has some tasty fixtures, including Newcastle vs Man United, Bolton vs Leeds and Celtic vs Hearts. So join me on Friday as I ignore all of these in favour of a wrong prediction for Torquay vs Aldershot.
"Like despair, defeat, crushing failure after crushing failure... Much like The Grambler. Also, a little bit oniony."
Another week, another missed opportunity to cure bowel cancer via the awesome power of Grambling. Odds were down on previous weeks by about three quarters, suggesting that there was a slim chance of victory. But as usual, I sat at home on Monday morning in my underpants crying into my Cheerios whilst reading the results and realising that it would be at least another week before I could retire on the back of winning about £500.
Here are some fatuities:
Game 1: Exeter City vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Home win ( x )
Exeter set the mood for the weekend with a loss at home to Bristol rovers, with the home side handing the visitors two goals on a plate or similar serving dish. Bristol, who gave a first start to wasted-talent and utter bawbag Derek Riordan, opened the scoring early on when Exeter's Craig Woodman cleared the ball straight to Rovers striker David Clarkson. The former Motherwell favourite made no mistake from close-range (also, despite what his name may suggest, there is no evidence to prove that he is the offspring of the eponymous singer whose band of five knocked The Beatles off the top of the chart with Glad All Over). The Grecians had their share of chances to draw level but the score was to remain the same until the break. After the restart, nothing of note happened (with the exception of this week's Name of the Week winner Fabian Broghammer picking up a booking) until the 66th minute, when Jamie Cureton equalised from inside the Rovers penalty box. This was to be a short-lived reprieve though, as two minutes later an attempted pass-back from Tommy Doherty was intercepted by Eliot Richards who calmly slotted home the winner.
Game 2: Cardiff City vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Meanwhile in Wales, Cardiff were giving The Grambler some false hope with a comfortable win over Blackpool. Matthew Connolly opened the scoring with his first of the season, and first for the Redbirds, from a David Bellamy cross. Peter Whittingham doubled the home side's lead inside the half hour with a trademark free-kick. In the second half, Connolly sealed the win with his second, heading home from another Bellamy cross. Interesting fact for all you Matthew Connolly fans; his name is an anagram of Owl Latency Month, a festival celebrated every March by nocturnal bird and computer science enthusiasts the world over. As for Blackpool? Well let's just say that they failed to illuminate. They were under the pier. It looks like another roller-coaster season for them. Cardiff towered above them. They played like donkeys. They cannot say that life is a beach. They were all at sea. They have hit rock bottom. They failed to put on a show. They shan't be promenading through town. I could go on....
Game 3: Oldham Athletic vs Coventry City
Prediction: Away win ( ✔ )
A second correct prediction as Oldham lived up to their name by playing like... ageing meat-produce? Paul Dickov's side were unlucky not to take at least a point with one chance rebounding off the post, two cleared off the line and two strong penalty claims denied before they eventually succumbed to a 90th minute Coventry goal. In a game which could have gone either way, Cody McDonald scored the decisive goal late on, stooping to head in a Jamie Reckford cross. McDonald claimed that it was 'a weight off the players shoulders' to get their first three points whilst speaking to the Coventry Telegraph, who went with the rather predictable headline 'Cody Breaker.' Personally, I would have gone for something far more contrived, like 'The Da WINci Cody.' Any newspaper writers out there fancy giving me a job? No?
Game 4: Nottingham Forest vs Derby County
Prediction: Draw ( x )
In the East Midlands derby, there was a victory for Derby... Much to the delight of Josie d'Arby... Who drives a Volkswagen Derby... The main talking point of the game was the sending off of former Rams player Dexter Blackstock for an elbow on Richard Keogh. Forest manager Sean O'Driscoll defended his man, saying that whilst there was contact, it was clearly accidental. It was the forth sending off in four games between the two clubs. Blackstock himself took to Twitter to apologise to the fans, saying "sorry for letting the side down but I only had my eyes on the ball and never ever tried to elbow him gutted". In my opinion, he should have his ban doubled for complete disregard of punctuation. Derby took advantage of having an extra man ten minutes later when Craig Bryson tapped in from six yards. The victory allowed Derby to retain the Brian Clough trophy, an award contested between the two sides transformed by the legendary manager. Not to be confused with the Brian Cloth trophy, awarded to people called Brian in the textiles industry.
Game 5: Ayr United vs Brechin City
Prediction: Draw ( x )
Ayr overcame a shaky start to take all three points and keep a clean sheet for the first time this season. Brechin were awarded a penalty in the 15th minute when Austin McCann was adjudged to have handled the ball inside his area. McCann was sent for an early bath, but City failed to capitalise from the resultant penalty as Andrew Jackson's shot was saved by the Honest Men's honest man Alistair Brown. Surprisingly, United commanded the play despite their disadvantage and took the lead when Michael Moffat (who seems to have a shady past having murdered Shirley Bassey's daughter) dinked the ball over the onrushing keeper. Ayr doubled their lead in the second half when Marc Twaddle headed in from a corner. Interesting fact for all the Marc Twaddle fans; Marc thinks that Denzil Washington could play him in a movie of his life. I'm not sure but I think there might be a small likeness problem in this scenario... United completed the rout when midfielder, and Professor of Pathology and Co-Director of the Paul F. Glenn Laboratories for the Biological Mechanisms of Aging at Harvard Medical School, David Sinclair notched a goal on the rebound.
Game 6: Livingston vs Dumbarton
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Jumping up a division and everyone's favourite cricketer turned referee George Salmond was in charge as Livingston thrashed their opponents. There is definitely something fishy about him. The first goal came in the 9th minute when Marc McNulty volleyed in from twelve yards. This lead was doubled just three minutes later when Craig Barr headed home. Dumbarton were then presented a chance to claw their way back into the game when awarded a spot-kick but Chris Turner fired past the post. McNulty went on to score a second volley before half-time to all but seal the win. But Livingston were not content with three and created plenty more chances in the second half. Callum Booth, on loan from Hibs, scored the fourth after coming on as a substitute and a good day for Livi was rounded off with Keaghan Jacobs goal. And just to bring things full-circle, Jacobs could have chosen to go into professional cricket rather than football. Also, he is one of FOUR Jacobs brothers currently on Livingston's books. They also make crackers.
Game 7: Aston Villa vs West Brom
Prediction: Home win ( x )
West Brom missed the chance to break into the top four of the Premiership as Villa scored a late equaliser and nearly managed a winner which would actually have made this a pretty good week. The result provided plenty of childish giggles for the weekend, with the goals coming from Long and Bent (titter titter, chortle chortle). Nothing appeared to happen in the first half so we'll just ignore it altogether. The Baggies took the lead six minutes after the restart when James Morrison set-up Shane Long to tuck the ball into the net. You would have got Long odds on this happening... Darren Bent was introduced to the game with almost seventy minutes gone and took only ten minutes to make his mark. The England striker scored from eight yards out to level the score and could have put his team in front before the full-time whistle but managed to shoot over the bar. Paul Lambert would have been happy with his achieving a point following their recent poor-form, and just because I have not seen it in a while, here is a clip of the man himself falling on his erse whilst trying to take a corner.
This coming weekend has some tasty fixtures, including Newcastle vs Man United, Bolton vs Leeds and Celtic vs Hearts. So join me on Friday as I ignore all of these in favour of a wrong prediction for Torquay vs Aldershot.
Tenuously related quote of the day:
"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one."
"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one."
- The legendary Brian Clough
Friday, 28 September 2012
Week 7: Speeding towards the weekend like Andre Santos
(Insert laboured joke to get things started here)
Game 1: Exeter City vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Home win
(Insert derogatory comment about Mark McGhee here)
Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 5/6
Game 2: Cardiff City vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
(Insert puns about Welshness and seaside holiday resorts here)
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/10
Game 3: Oldham Athletic vs Coventry City
Prediction: Away win
(Insert terrible joke about dated meat products here)
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 7/4
Game 4: Nottingham Forest vs Derby County
Prediction: Draw
(Insert tree-based puns here)
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 5: Ayr United vs Brechin City
Prediction: Draw
(Insert interesting fact about nicknames derived from Burns poems here)
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 14/5
Game 6: Livingston vs Dumbarton
Prediction: Home win
(Claim that Livingston defender Jesus Garcia Tena is actually the messiah here)
Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 1/2
Game 7: Aston Villa vs West Brom
Prediction: Home win
(Insert link to pretty awful French band called Aston Villa here)
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 7/5
Total odds for this week = 554/1
(Insert claim that I will be on schedule with this week's post-match ramblings before ultimately failing to keep said promise)
Game 1: Exeter City vs Bristol Rovers
Prediction: Home win
(Insert derogatory comment about Mark McGhee here)
Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 5/6
Game 2: Cardiff City vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
(Insert puns about Welshness and seaside holiday resorts here)
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/10
Game 3: Oldham Athletic vs Coventry City
Prediction: Away win
(Insert terrible joke about dated meat products here)
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 7/4
Game 4: Nottingham Forest vs Derby County
Prediction: Draw
(Insert tree-based puns here)
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 5: Ayr United vs Brechin City
Prediction: Draw
(Insert interesting fact about nicknames derived from Burns poems here)
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 14/5
Game 6: Livingston vs Dumbarton
Prediction: Home win
(Claim that Livingston defender Jesus Garcia Tena is actually the messiah here)
Reliability balls: 8/10
Odds on this result: 1/2
Game 7: Aston Villa vs West Brom
Prediction: Home win
(Insert link to pretty awful French band called Aston Villa here)
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 7/5
Total odds for this week = 554/1
(Insert claim that I will be on schedule with this week's post-match ramblings before ultimately failing to keep said promise)
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Week 6 results: You f#%!ing plebs!
A wee Andrew Mitchell MP quote there to help start this week's results. Mitchell is, of course, in trouble for saying out loud what the Tories don't want us to know they are all thinking. And in order to keep this vaguely football related, I should mention that Mr Mitchell does not support any team in particular but is a massive fan of Middlesbrough's André Bikey. Because he rides a bike.
This week's Grambling could have gone better, and genuinely looked like it would have at times on Saturday. However, a few late goals here and there ultimately nullified the main bet. Saving face, the doubles bet won a MASSIVE £2.53, which shall be added to the Bobby Moore Fund fund to give us a running total of £10.03! Double-figures at last!
Here is a blow-by-blow account of the weekend's Grambling expedition. Warning: May contain traces of nut.
Game 1: Derby County vs Burnley
Prediction: Draw ( x )
The first prediction of the week came so very close to being correct, but the Rams will be feeling rather sheepish after letting a draw turn into a defeat in the dying minutes of this game. Derby had raced into a twentieth minute lead when the Burnley defence failed to clear a corner, allowing Jamie Ward to score the opener. Twelve minutes later and the Clarets had equalised through striker Charlie Austin. Keeping on top of the action, this happy Grambler was rather chuffed as the game approached it's finale looking likely to end in a draw. But evil Charles Austin decided that he did not like the idea of money going to charity, scoring with an emphatic header in the 89th minute to show his support for tumours everywhere. It proved to be a good day for Austin, who only took up football as a side-job whilst not producing vacuum pumps. It was not such a good day for Nigel Clough's men, who slipped below their opponents in the league. It was a hard result to accept for the manager, who has a statue of his old man outside the stadium. And that is not a euphemism.
Game 2: Crystal Palace vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Cardiff squandered the chance to move top of the Championship despite making a fantastic start at Selhurst Park. Palace started well, but Aron Gunnarsson scored against the run of play, slotting calmly past Julian Speroni. Two minutes later and City had doubled their lead with a volley from Mafia farmer Don Cowie. From then until half-time, Cardiff looked rather comfortable and could even have extended the lead further, with Craig Bellamy firing over from nine yards. A renewed Palace side emerged in the second-half and instantly pressured their opponents. Within six minutes of the restart, opening scorer Gunnarsson was adjudged to have handled inside his area and Glenn Murray scored from the spot. Murray got his second on 62 minutes when a deflected shot fell to him and he shot past Cardiff's David Marshall. And the fightback was complete ten minutes later when Heidar Helguson made a reckless challenge in the Cardiff box, forcing the referee to award a second penalty to the Eagles. Murray stepped up to claim his hat-trick and seal the win, rounding off a mint performance (insert cymbal crash here).
Game 3: Liverpool vs Manchester United
Prediction: Liverpool ( x )
Two of the great rivals of English football squared up in typical fashion (football kits, mostly) in a day which started with more tributes to the victims of the Hillsborough disaster. And more importantly, two overpaid men SHOOK HANDS WITH EACH OTHER!!! Liverpool dominated in the first half, but as usual failed to realise that scoring goals is a prerequisite of controlling matches. Late in the first half, ridiculously named Jonjo Shelvey (is it John or Joe, make your mind up!) was shown a straight red for a mis-timed tackle. Strangely, ten-man Liverpool went on to take the lead after the restart as Steven Gerrard volleying home just seconds after the interval. But the lead was to last a mere five minutes as a neat move from United ended with Rafael Da Silva beating Pepe Reina. United would go on to take all three points when Glen Johnson brought down Nuno Valencia inside the area, and Robin Van Persie slotted home the resulting penalty. In the aftermath of the game, referee Mark Halsey has contacted police to report offensive comments on his Twitter feed. Whilst not disclosed by the police, I can confirm that he was referred to as VARK Halsey (vark meaning pig in Afrikaans, obviously.)
Game 4: Port Vale vs Gillingham
Prediction: Port Vale ( x )
Game 5: West Ham vs Sunderland
Prediction: Sunderland ( x )
So another mildly successful week, still waiting for the big win. Inevitably it will come on the final round of games of the season, whereby I will win two grand setting me up nicely for a Danny Wallace-esque book.
The next round of Grambling will start at 9 a.m. sharp on Friday (which translates roughly to 7.30 p.m. by my timing). As I have won some money for a few weeks now, I am legally obliged to provide an inspirational quote about winning. So take it away Mr Roy Castle:
"If you wanna be the best,and you wanna beat the rest. Oo-ooh! Dedication's what you need. (Trumpet Solo)"
This week's Grambling could have gone better, and genuinely looked like it would have at times on Saturday. However, a few late goals here and there ultimately nullified the main bet. Saving face, the doubles bet won a MASSIVE £2.53, which shall be added to the Bobby Moore Fund fund to give us a running total of £10.03! Double-figures at last!
Here is a blow-by-blow account of the weekend's Grambling expedition. Warning: May contain traces of nut.
Game 1: Derby County vs Burnley
Prediction: Draw ( x )
The first prediction of the week came so very close to being correct, but the Rams will be feeling rather sheepish after letting a draw turn into a defeat in the dying minutes of this game. Derby had raced into a twentieth minute lead when the Burnley defence failed to clear a corner, allowing Jamie Ward to score the opener. Twelve minutes later and the Clarets had equalised through striker Charlie Austin. Keeping on top of the action, this happy Grambler was rather chuffed as the game approached it's finale looking likely to end in a draw. But evil Charles Austin decided that he did not like the idea of money going to charity, scoring with an emphatic header in the 89th minute to show his support for tumours everywhere. It proved to be a good day for Austin, who only took up football as a side-job whilst not producing vacuum pumps. It was not such a good day for Nigel Clough's men, who slipped below their opponents in the league. It was a hard result to accept for the manager, who has a statue of his old man outside the stadium. And that is not a euphemism.
Game 2: Crystal Palace vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Game 3: Liverpool vs Manchester United
Prediction: Liverpool ( x )
Game 4: Port Vale vs Gillingham
Prediction: Port Vale ( x )
A battle of the big boys in League Two ended with Gillingham cementing their place as league leaders. The visitors were in control for most of the game and took the lead on 11 minutes when THE Deon Burton headed in Robbie Findley's cross. Did anyone know he was still playing? I seem to remember at France 1998 everyone thought he was going to be the badger's nadgers but he ended up being... a bit crap. The Gills (who take their nickname from celebrated nuclear physicist Piara Singh Gill) made it two when Chris Whelpdale fired home from a Joe Martin through-ball. Onomatologists everywhere will jump at the chance to tell you that Whelpdale's surname means Puppyvalley, so that is how he shall be referred to should he ever appear in The Grambler again. Following the game, Gillingham midfielder Danny Jackman said "The gaffer's tried to get us work as a solid unit, and once we all attack together, we all defend together." Top clichés, sir!
Game 5: West Ham vs Sunderland
Prediction: Sunderland ( x )
Sunderland have now drawn so many games that they may as well just get it over with and rename the club Sundrawland. The perennial single-pointers started brightly with summer signing and Craig Levein ignoree Steven Fletcher scored the opening goal after nine minutes, dedicating his goal to his father who is currently incarcerated at Slade Prison. West Ham responded by piling the pressure on the Black Cats, but could not break their resolute defence. A number of chances went to waste as Sunderland sat in their own half for most of the second half, hopeful of defending their narrow lead. All looked swell for The Grambler, as the game entered it's final minutes with an away victory in sight. But cap'n Kevin Nolan had other ideas; in the dying seconds, the ball fell to him in the six yard box and he hooked the ball into the net. A dramatic end to the game and another nail in the coffin for my coupon. In tribute to home team's goalscorer, here is potentially the best joke I have ever come up with: Which West Ham player has problems when accessing the internet? Kevin No LAN! ThankyouverymuchladiesandgentlemenI'llbehereallweek!
Game 6: Aberdeen vs Motherwell
Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )
Prediction: Draw ( ✔ )
Saturday afternoon. Pittodrie, Aberdeen. 83 minutes on the clock. Motherwell lead by three goals to one. Stuart McCall shouts cap'n Keith over to the touchline. "Psst... I've just noticed that The Grambler has us on for a draw this weekend... Better tell the lads to ship two goals in the last seven minutes... You ain't seen me, right?" McCall taps his nose and slinks back in to the dugout, his ginger mullet flowing in the wind. It's the only plausible explanation. It was Aberdeen who had opened the scoring, Gavin Rae heading into the net after six minutes of play. Well's Michael Higdon levelled things before the break with his seventh goal in as many games (and yet, half of the East Stand still boo him... Yes, I'm talking to YOU exceedingly angry man with black baseball cap and senile father in tow who sits two rows in front of me!) Motherwell took control after the break, Shaun Hutchinson heading them into the lead. The win looked to be sealed on 82 minutes when Nicky Law scored from close range, but this is when the above conversation took place. Niall McGinn proved that the game was not over with a header on 84 minutes as the away side let him score. And McCall's brilliant plan came to fruition in the last minute of stoppage time as Josh Magennis scored in dramatic fashion. So thank you Stuart McCall for sacrificing a comfortable lead at the top of the SPL just for The Grambler, much appreciated!
Game 7: Morton vs Raith Rovers
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
Game 7: Morton vs Raith Rovers
Prediction: Home win ( ✔ )
My 'Favourite Match Report of the Week' award (a new award celebrating my favourite match report of the week) goes to whoever writes the reports on the Raith Rovers website, who informs us of important match incidents such as 'the referee is a former cricketer' and 'the fans munched on bacon rolls.' Raith appeared to have a number of chances to build on their recent good form, but could not find their finishing touch as Stuart Anderson, Scott Taggart, Jason Thomson and Simon Mensing missed the target. The decisive goal came from one of the home side's few chances, when Stephen Stirling hit a thunderous 25 yard strike past former Raith keeper David McGurn. The win pushed Morton up to third place in the First Division, much to delight of manager Allan Moore who, along with being a mediocre football manager, wrote the Watchmen and V for Vendetta. Assuming of course that there could not possibly be more than one person with this common forename and surname combination.
The next round of Grambling will start at 9 a.m. sharp on Friday (which translates roughly to 7.30 p.m. by my timing). As I have won some money for a few weeks now, I am legally obliged to provide an inspirational quote about winning. So take it away Mr Roy Castle:
"If you wanna be the best,and you wanna beat the rest. Oo-ooh! Dedication's what you need. (Trumpet Solo)"
Saturday, 22 September 2012
Week 6: Better late than never!
I did not get the chance to write the usual post-weekend analysis last week, so my apologies go out to the four people who are still reading. It was a rather good weekend, with four of the seven results correct. Thanks to the trebles bet I won £5.75, all of which shall be added to the Bobby Moore Fund collection. So we not have a grand total of £7.50! Cancer beware, I am totally going to fund a cure with that money!
I am rather excited by this week's Gramblings... A total of 67 games to choose from and The Grambler has managed to select my two favourite teams in the same week, giving me all the more reason to be completely engrossed in this weekend's football action.
The Almighty One has picked the following:
The Almighty One has picked the following:
Prediction: Draw
My old man is from Derby and gi old man is from Derby and his old man... well, that's all I know about my family tree. When I was young 'un kicking a football about the school-yard at playtime, everyone wanted to be Eric Cantona, Alan Shearer or Gianfranco Zola. I wanted to be Marco Gabbiadini. Which is weird because not even Marco Gabbiadini wants to be Marco Gabbiadini. I have always kept an eye out for them, and will be doing more-so this weekend whilst screaming "COME ON YOU RAMS, DRAW THIS ONE!" Derby currently sit 12th in the Championship and have yet to lose at Pride Park. Burnley are heading down the M1 (or A551 depending on which route the driver wants to take) without a single point away from home in three attempts this season. Manager Eddie Howe has berated his side's lack of consistency this season, having watched the Clarets win two games comfortably and lose the other four. Obviously, he does not understand howe this can happen.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 12/5
Game 2: Crystal Palace vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win
Staying in the Championship and we are off to Selhurst Park, where Palace are looking to extend their unbeaten run to four games. Having won, drawn and lost one game at home apiece this season, the Eagles will be hopeful of moving out of the bottom half of the table with a win today. They will have to do so without frormer Cardiff player and Wales international Danny Gabbidon and the ridiculously Irish sounding Paddy McCarthy, who is so Irish that the Corrs wrote a song about him. Cardiff have only been beaten only once this season and will be hoping to take advantage of Blackburn's slip-up last night to claim the top-spot with a win. TheBlueRedbirds won both league games between the two last season and also dumped Palace out of the league cup on penalties at the semi-final stage. The Welsh boyos will have to make-do without one big-name summer signing as Nicky Maynard is injured but Craig Bellamy returns to action after missing out on Tuesday night as Cardiff defeated Millwall.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 11/5
Game 3: Liverpool vs Manchester United
Prediction: Liverpool
Woohoo, we have a biggie this week! And it appears to be a battle between the most unlikeable teams in English football! All eyes will be on Anfield on Sunday for a number of reasons; a fierce and long-running rivalry extends into another season, the nonsensical furore surrounding Luis Saurez and Patrice Evra continues, Sir Alex Ferguson has issued a letter to United fans asking them to stop singing songs about tragedy, the same goes for Liverpool fans and yet another Hillsborough tribute will be taking place (no offence intended as it was a horrific incident, but many of these do we need?) Sir has pleaded with his players to remain disciplined in what could be a melting pot, whilst Brendan Rodgers has said that he expects a 'peaceful game', akin to that seen in the trenches on Christmas Day during World War 1: First Blood. So expect the players to trade cigarettes, make jolly japes and compare pictures of their loved ones back home. Regarding the actual football, Liverpool have been awful this season but may be fired up for the reasons given above. The home crowd may also help so this could be a possibility.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 17/10
Game 4: Port Vale vs Gillingham
Prediction: Port Vale
Dropping down to League Two, and another exciting game as a top-of-the-table clash takes place over at Stoke-on-Trent. Just three points separates the two teams who currently occupy 1st and 2nd place in the league. Under Micky Adams, Port Vale have exceeded expectations and made an impressive start to the season in spite of financial trouble and uncertainty over the clubs future. Still in administration, the club have only lost one game this season with five wins. They are also undefeated at their imaginatively named Vale Park home-ground. Gillingham have gone one step farther and remained unbeaten all season. The Gills have only dropped two points this season in a home-draw with Chesterfield. They have also strengthened their squad with the addition of Nottingham Forrest's USA international striker Robbie Findlay, who could start today. Would you like to see him miss an absolute sitter for Forrest back in January? Of course you would!
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 13/10
Game 5: West Ham vs Sunderland
Prediction: Sunderland
Many people had expected West Ham to struggle upon gaining promotion back to the big-bad world of the Premiership. Although they are absolutely horrific to watch, as Sam Alardyce teams tend to be, they have actually adapted quite well to the pace of the top league and have managed two wins and a draw in their opening four games. Andy Carroll has been reported to be back in light-training (as opposed to dark-training) but is not likely to feature this weekend. Sunderland have neither won nor lost this season; in three games they have drawn three. Martin O'Neill will hope that his side can manage a victory for the first time since March; in eleven games since their last win they have drawn a massive eight. Adam Johnson may miss out through an injury sustained whilst playing a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with Steven Fletcher.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
Odds on this result: 12/5
Game 2: Crystal Palace vs Cardiff City
Prediction: Home win
Staying in the Championship and we are off to Selhurst Park, where Palace are looking to extend their unbeaten run to four games. Having won, drawn and lost one game at home apiece this season, the Eagles will be hopeful of moving out of the bottom half of the table with a win today. They will have to do so without frormer Cardiff player and Wales international Danny Gabbidon and the ridiculously Irish sounding Paddy McCarthy, who is so Irish that the Corrs wrote a song about him. Cardiff have only been beaten only once this season and will be hoping to take advantage of Blackburn's slip-up last night to claim the top-spot with a win. The
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 11/5
Game 3: Liverpool vs Manchester United
Prediction: Liverpool
Woohoo, we have a biggie this week! And it appears to be a battle between the most unlikeable teams in English football! All eyes will be on Anfield on Sunday for a number of reasons; a fierce and long-running rivalry extends into another season, the nonsensical furore surrounding Luis Saurez and Patrice Evra continues, Sir Alex Ferguson has issued a letter to United fans asking them to stop singing songs about tragedy, the same goes for Liverpool fans and yet another Hillsborough tribute will be taking place (no offence intended as it was a horrific incident, but many of these do we need?) Sir has pleaded with his players to remain disciplined in what could be a melting pot, whilst Brendan Rodgers has said that he expects a 'peaceful game', akin to that seen in the trenches on Christmas Day during World War 1: First Blood. So expect the players to trade cigarettes, make jolly japes and compare pictures of their loved ones back home. Regarding the actual football, Liverpool have been awful this season but may be fired up for the reasons given above. The home crowd may also help so this could be a possibility.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 17/10
Game 4: Port Vale vs Gillingham
Prediction: Port Vale
Dropping down to League Two, and another exciting game as a top-of-the-table clash takes place over at Stoke-on-Trent. Just three points separates the two teams who currently occupy 1st and 2nd place in the league. Under Micky Adams, Port Vale have exceeded expectations and made an impressive start to the season in spite of financial trouble and uncertainty over the clubs future. Still in administration, the club have only lost one game this season with five wins. They are also undefeated at their imaginatively named Vale Park home-ground. Gillingham have gone one step farther and remained unbeaten all season. The Gills have only dropped two points this season in a home-draw with Chesterfield. They have also strengthened their squad with the addition of Nottingham Forrest's USA international striker Robbie Findlay, who could start today. Would you like to see him miss an absolute sitter for Forrest back in January? Of course you would!
Reliability balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 13/10
Game 5: West Ham vs Sunderland
Prediction: Sunderland
Many people had expected West Ham to struggle upon gaining promotion back to the big-bad world of the Premiership. Although they are absolutely horrific to watch, as Sam Alardyce teams tend to be, they have actually adapted quite well to the pace of the top league and have managed two wins and a draw in their opening four games. Andy Carroll has been reported to be back in light-training (as opposed to dark-training) but is not likely to feature this weekend. Sunderland have neither won nor lost this season; in three games they have drawn three. Martin O'Neill will hope that his side can manage a victory for the first time since March; in eleven games since their last win they have drawn a massive eight. Adam Johnson may miss out through an injury sustained whilst playing a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with Steven Fletcher.
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
Game 6: Aberdeen vs Motherwell
Prediction: Draw
Finally, the kings of football appear! Currently running away with the SPL title, Motherwell are clearly the greatest team in Scotland and their lack of trophies is purely a result of many years not playing to their full ability as it would embarrass evceryone they played. A great start to the season sees Motherwell sitting top of the table and undefeated. A draw at Aberdeen would be a nice preparation for dumping Rangers out of the league cup next week. They will be up against an Aberdeen side managed by a dishonest old twat. Grandpaw Broon has not quite managed to transform the Dons in the way that the fans expected, with them continuing to float around the bottom half of the SPL table. Their fans have yet to notice that this is the case however, as they all think it is still 1989 and their team is half decent. I can't say that I'll be enturely disappointed if this prediction is incorrect and the Well pump the Sheepies.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/4
Game 7: Morton vs Raith Rovers
Prediction: Home win
The final game of the week occurs in the Scottish First Division, as Raith visit the midden that is Greenock. Rovers currently sit higher in the league table but only two points separate the sides. Raith also finished one position higher in the league last season and the last encounter between the sides at Cappielow ended with a 3-1 victory for the away side. But Morton manager Allen Moore has insisted that his side can make the most of their home advantage saying "I insist that we can make the most of our home advantage."
Prediction: Draw
Finally, the kings of football appear! Currently running away with the SPL title, Motherwell are clearly the greatest team in Scotland and their lack of trophies is purely a result of many years not playing to their full ability as it would embarrass evceryone they played. A great start to the season sees Motherwell sitting top of the table and undefeated. A draw at Aberdeen would be a nice preparation for dumping Rangers out of the league cup next week. They will be up against an Aberdeen side managed by a dishonest old twat. Grandpaw Broon has not quite managed to transform the Dons in the way that the fans expected, with them continuing to float around the bottom half of the SPL table. Their fans have yet to notice that this is the case however, as they all think it is still 1989 and their team is half decent. I can't say that I'll be enturely disappointed if this prediction is incorrect and the Well pump the Sheepies.
Reliability balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/4
Game 7: Morton vs Raith Rovers
Prediction: Home win
The final game of the week occurs in the Scottish First Division, as Raith visit the midden that is Greenock. Rovers currently sit higher in the league table but only two points separate the sides. Raith also finished one position higher in the league last season and the last encounter between the sides at Cappielow ended with a 3-1 victory for the away side. But Morton manager Allen Moore has insisted that his side can make the most of their home advantage saying "I insist that we can make the most of our home advantage."
Reliability balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/10
That is our bet for this week. Most of the games are approaching half-time just now because I am late in writing this, however the bet was placed on facebook.com/LetsGramble on Friday morning so be sure to like us over there for more up
to date announcements.
Total odds this week are 1,817/1. And I promise to update this on Monday morning with the results. Honestly!
That is our bet for this week. Most of the games are approaching half-time just now because I am late in writing this, however the bet was placed on facebook.com/LetsGramble on Friday morning so be sure to like us over there for more up
to date announcements.
Total odds this week are 1,817/1. And I promise to update this on Monday morning with the results. Honestly!
Friday, 14 September 2012
Week 5: Assignment: Miami Beach
After an entertaining but disastrous international weekend, we get back to business this week with the wonderful world of league football, where it is actually possible to find a match report.
But before we start, here is a football related joke:
Q: Why was Cinderella rubbish at football?
A: Because she had no formal training. From a young age, her sisters coerced her into doing all of the housekeeping meaning that she never even got the chance to try out for her school football team. Besides, back in those un-PC days, the school team probably wouldn't have selected a girl. There was also a lack of interest in the sport on her part; she often heard people making remarks about her 'running away from the ball' and thought to herself "when you put that into context, it really makes no sense as I have no interest and/or involvement in football and/or any other sport." It wasn't until she found her prince that she took a mild interest in the game, following her new husbands favourite team - Coventry City. And then the French paparazzi took long distance photo's of her topless...
Game 1: Stevenage vs Crewe
Prediction: Draw
We start our journey this week in Stevenage, a town famous for... being near Junction 7 on the A1? Also, apparently the King of Portugal moved there in the 1840s. God knows why... Stevenage made it to the play-offs last season with a 6th place finish and currently inhabit the third spot in the table. Their three wins so far this season have all come away from home, and they remain unbeaten thanks to two draws in their home matches. Crewe won promotion from League Two last season via the play-offs and have had a strong start to life in League One. They currently sit four points below Stevenage in League One, but have managed a win away from home suggesting that are capable of picking up points on the road. One local celebrity is so desperate for his side to avoid defeat that he has promised to hold his breath until they have secured at least a point. Hopefully Crewe can pick up something from this game so that he can breath again.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 2: Brighton vs Sheffield Wednesday
Prediction: Home win
This week's earliest kick-off, taking place at 7.45 tonight. Brighton chairman Tony Bloom has ploughed a lot of money into the club over the past couple of seasons in the hope of his side will blossom and find that elusive promotion. Manager Gus Poyet will hope that his players can keep up their good-form and improve on last season's 10th place finish. Meanwhile, the media-circus has rolled into Sheffield following the release of restricted papers from the Hillsborough disaster (it turns out the politicians and high ranking police-officers are liars, who would have thunk it?) Wednesday will be glad to get away from this with a pleasant day-trip to Brighton to visit the Ashdown Forest Llama Park, stroll along the pier and, most importantly, have a kickabout. The two teams are neck-and-neck in the championship. Each has two wins and draw to their name but the bonus in our favour is that Brighton are unbeaten at home whilst Wednesday have yet to win away.
Reliability Balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 6/5
Game 3: Colchester vs Doncaster
Prediction: Away win
Back to League One... It has been a tough start to the season for Colchester... In five games, the have drawn three, just not quite doing enough for the win. The other two games resulted in losses so they are still searching for that first win of the season. And on top of that, La Tasca in the town centre is set to close! The U's sit in the relegation zone just now, not that that means much at this time of the season, and would get a confidence boost from a win tomorrow. To help them along the way, fictional Irish stereotype John-Joe O'Toole has returned to training. Doncaster sit higher up the table with wins in 50% of their games this season and a game in hand over their opponents. But manager Dean Saunders has bemoaned his sides luck with injuries, and claims that he is struggling to scrape a side together. Striker Chris Brown has three goals in three games, a streak that he will be hopeful of continuing. Brown also has an... ahem... supplementary job as an aspiring commentator.
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/5
Game 4: Inverness vs Aberdeen
Prediction: Home win
Inverness have not had the best start the season, with three draws and zero wins in their opening five fixtures. In their last match before the international break, they were absolutely pumped at Fir Park putting Motherwell at the top of the SPL (YAAAAAAAAS!). Terry Butcher has complained about his sides complacent defence, no doubt calling them mince. He will expect a meaty performance and is willing to steak his reputation on a win. Beef. Grandpaw Broon's Aberdeen side are just one win better off and sit two places above Caley Thistle in the league. Broon is aware of the Inverness threat, saying "they'll tighten up, particularly when it's Aberdeen. Aberdeen would constitute a fairly good scalp for them" whilst sucking on his falsers, lighting a pipe and reminiscing about the good old days.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 2/1
Game 5: Everton vs NewcastlePrediction: Draw
I really do hope this one is correct, not only for the sake of the bet, but also for the sake of my awful fantasy football team. Preferably a 3-3 draw with hat-tricks for Jelavic and Cisse. Everton have, for once, decided to start playing well from the start of the season instead of waiting until January. Two wins in their first three games will have delighted fans, and if they can maintain this form, a finish above their substandard noisy neighbours could once again be on the cards. Newcastle were a delight to watch last season and ended up as surprise challengers for the final Champions League spot last season and, having kept their team together over the pre-season, many expected them to pick up where they left off last season. One win and one draw in their opening three has been an average start but they are certainly capable of more. A draw could be a fair result.
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
Game 6: Cardiff vs Leeds
Prediction: Draw
Strangely enough, another two sides who are level with the aforementioned Brighton and Sheffield Wednesday, with two wins and a draw in their first four games putting them on seven points. Since their 3-1 win against Wolves a fortnight ago, Cardiff manager Malky McKay has been full of praise for Craig Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in training. McKay was also full of praise for David Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in gardening. Leeds have strengthened their squad further over the past week with the loan signing of Stoke's Michael Tonge who has told the club that he is so good that Neil Warnock will have to hand him a start tomorrow. I believe he was being Tonge in cheek though... Neither team is a stranger to The Grambler with both appearing in Week 3, and in that case both predictions were incorrect. Based on this, I am convinced that a draw is exactly what will happen here...
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 7: Barnsley vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
Our third Championship game of the week, and the one that I'm least confident about... Barnsley have made a modest start to the season with two wins and two losses. Having finished a lowly 21st in the table last season, manager Keith Hill is one win away from making this season Barnsley's best league start since 1977. Here's what he had to say on Twitter: "I love bacon. Each morning I sing about my beloved bacon, I even do my bacon ritual. I endeavour to be bacon man. I guess I just love bacon." I have an inkling that it might be a fake account. Blackpool are as high as a tower at the top of the league. Ian Holloway will not want to sea the Tykes rock the boat, and will certainly not give in to pier pressure by changing his starting line up. But when Blackpool are at their best, it can be a pleasure (beach) to watch. Barnsley have a 100% home record this season, whilst Blackpool's only loss came away from home as they visited Leicester. I remain hopeful.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
The odds for this bet are the highest received for any Grambler bet thus far; a humongous 2,933/1!!! I have also put a cheeky trebles bet on this week as three correct predictions seems to represent a good Grambling week.
As the Everton vs Newcastle game takes place on Monday evening, the results shall not be here until sometime on Tuesday.
But before we start, here is a football related joke:
Q: Why was Cinderella rubbish at football?
A: Because she had no formal training. From a young age, her sisters coerced her into doing all of the housekeeping meaning that she never even got the chance to try out for her school football team. Besides, back in those un-PC days, the school team probably wouldn't have selected a girl. There was also a lack of interest in the sport on her part; she often heard people making remarks about her 'running away from the ball' and thought to herself "when you put that into context, it really makes no sense as I have no interest and/or involvement in football and/or any other sport." It wasn't until she found her prince that she took a mild interest in the game, following her new husbands favourite team - Coventry City. And then the French paparazzi took long distance photo's of her topless...
Game 1: Stevenage vs Crewe
Prediction: Draw
We start our journey this week in Stevenage, a town famous for... being near Junction 7 on the A1? Also, apparently the King of Portugal moved there in the 1840s. God knows why... Stevenage made it to the play-offs last season with a 6th place finish and currently inhabit the third spot in the table. Their three wins so far this season have all come away from home, and they remain unbeaten thanks to two draws in their home matches. Crewe won promotion from League Two last season via the play-offs and have had a strong start to life in League One. They currently sit four points below Stevenage in League One, but have managed a win away from home suggesting that are capable of picking up points on the road. One local celebrity is so desperate for his side to avoid defeat that he has promised to hold his breath until they have secured at least a point. Hopefully Crewe can pick up something from this game so that he can breath again.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 2: Brighton vs Sheffield Wednesday
Prediction: Home win
This week's earliest kick-off, taking place at 7.45 tonight. Brighton chairman Tony Bloom has ploughed a lot of money into the club over the past couple of seasons in the hope of his side will blossom and find that elusive promotion. Manager Gus Poyet will hope that his players can keep up their good-form and improve on last season's 10th place finish. Meanwhile, the media-circus has rolled into Sheffield following the release of restricted papers from the Hillsborough disaster (it turns out the politicians and high ranking police-officers are liars, who would have thunk it?) Wednesday will be glad to get away from this with a pleasant day-trip to Brighton to visit the Ashdown Forest Llama Park, stroll along the pier and, most importantly, have a kickabout. The two teams are neck-and-neck in the championship. Each has two wins and draw to their name but the bonus in our favour is that Brighton are unbeaten at home whilst Wednesday have yet to win away.
Reliability Balls: 7/10
Odds on this result: 6/5
Game 3: Colchester vs Doncaster
Prediction: Away win
Back to League One... It has been a tough start to the season for Colchester... In five games, the have drawn three, just not quite doing enough for the win. The other two games resulted in losses so they are still searching for that first win of the season. And on top of that, La Tasca in the town centre is set to close! The U's sit in the relegation zone just now, not that that means much at this time of the season, and would get a confidence boost from a win tomorrow. To help them along the way, fictional Irish stereotype John-Joe O'Toole has returned to training. Doncaster sit higher up the table with wins in 50% of their games this season and a game in hand over their opponents. But manager Dean Saunders has bemoaned his sides luck with injuries, and claims that he is struggling to scrape a side together. Striker Chris Brown has three goals in three games, a streak that he will be hopeful of continuing. Brown also has an... ahem... supplementary job as an aspiring commentator.
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 9/5
Game 4: Inverness vs Aberdeen
Prediction: Home win
Inverness have not had the best start the season, with three draws and zero wins in their opening five fixtures. In their last match before the international break, they were absolutely pumped at Fir Park putting Motherwell at the top of the SPL (YAAAAAAAAS!). Terry Butcher has complained about his sides complacent defence, no doubt calling them mince. He will expect a meaty performance and is willing to steak his reputation on a win. Beef. Grandpaw Broon's Aberdeen side are just one win better off and sit two places above Caley Thistle in the league. Broon is aware of the Inverness threat, saying "they'll tighten up, particularly when it's Aberdeen. Aberdeen would constitute a fairly good scalp for them" whilst sucking on his falsers, lighting a pipe and reminiscing about the good old days.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 2/1
Game 5: Everton vs NewcastlePrediction: Draw
I really do hope this one is correct, not only for the sake of the bet, but also for the sake of my awful fantasy football team. Preferably a 3-3 draw with hat-tricks for Jelavic and Cisse. Everton have, for once, decided to start playing well from the start of the season instead of waiting until January. Two wins in their first three games will have delighted fans, and if they can maintain this form, a finish above their substandard noisy neighbours could once again be on the cards. Newcastle were a delight to watch last season and ended up as surprise challengers for the final Champions League spot last season and, having kept their team together over the pre-season, many expected them to pick up where they left off last season. One win and one draw in their opening three has been an average start but they are certainly capable of more. A draw could be a fair result.
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
Game 6: Cardiff vs Leeds
Prediction: Draw
Strangely enough, another two sides who are level with the aforementioned Brighton and Sheffield Wednesday, with two wins and a draw in their first four games putting them on seven points. Since their 3-1 win against Wolves a fortnight ago, Cardiff manager Malky McKay has been full of praise for Craig Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in training. McKay was also full of praise for David Bellamy saying that he had been 'immense' in gardening. Leeds have strengthened their squad further over the past week with the loan signing of Stoke's Michael Tonge who has told the club that he is so good that Neil Warnock will have to hand him a start tomorrow. I believe he was being Tonge in cheek though... Neither team is a stranger to The Grambler with both appearing in Week 3, and in that case both predictions were incorrect. Based on this, I am convinced that a draw is exactly what will happen here...
Reliability Balls: 6/10
Odds on this result: 5/2
Game 7: Barnsley vs Blackpool
Prediction: Home win
Our third Championship game of the week, and the one that I'm least confident about... Barnsley have made a modest start to the season with two wins and two losses. Having finished a lowly 21st in the table last season, manager Keith Hill is one win away from making this season Barnsley's best league start since 1977. Here's what he had to say on Twitter: "I love bacon. Each morning I sing about my beloved bacon, I even do my bacon ritual. I endeavour to be bacon man. I guess I just love bacon." I have an inkling that it might be a fake account. Blackpool are as high as a tower at the top of the league. Ian Holloway will not want to sea the Tykes rock the boat, and will certainly not give in to pier pressure by changing his starting line up. But when Blackpool are at their best, it can be a pleasure (beach) to watch. Barnsley have a 100% home record this season, whilst Blackpool's only loss came away from home as they visited Leicester. I remain hopeful.
Reliability Balls: 5/10
Odds on this result: 13/5
The odds for this bet are the highest received for any Grambler bet thus far; a humongous 2,933/1!!! I have also put a cheeky trebles bet on this week as three correct predictions seems to represent a good Grambling week.
As the Everton vs Newcastle game takes place on Monday evening, the results shall not be here until sometime on Tuesday.
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
Week 4.5 Results: Happy Day of Conception to all our Russian readers!
The first midweek Grambling session did not end well. In spite of what looked like a reasonable bet, only two results of the five turned out to be correct. I think I might just stick to the weekend's from here onwards as I cannot handle the agony of losing twice weekly.
Without further agadoo, here is how my bet went wrong this time:
Game 1: Slovakia vs Liechtenstein
Game 3: Cyprus vs Iceland
Without further agadoo, here is how my bet went wrong this time:
Game 1: Slovakia vs Liechtenstein
Prediction: Home win (Woohoo!)
This had to happen. It would have been ridiculously embarrassing for Slovakia to lose to a team 104 places below them in the FIFA rankings. I suppose this could have been considered a bit of a grudge match considering Slovakia once attempted to steal Liechtenstein. And it certainly was not the friendliest of matches with the referee producing seven yellow cards. But Slovakia won this game reasonably comfortably with a goal in either half. Marek Sapara scored the first with a tap in after most of the Steinies' defence fell over whilst trying to clear a cross. The second came from subsitute Martin Jakubko, who raced through onto a Miroslav Stoch through-ball to beat the onrushing keeper and seal the victory. Following the match, the Slovak's coach Stanislav Griga said "they ruled their universe with absolute power. Well that football field out there, that's our universe." Oh wait, that was Denzel Washington in Remember the Titans...
Game 2: England vs Ukraine
Prediction: Home win (D'oh!)
England, supreme rulers and inventors of football, played host to Ukraine in their second qualifier and took a point, as many of today's newspapers decided that their campaign was doomed due to failure to win one game. Yevgeni Konoplianka gave the visitors the lead in the first half with a splendid long-range strike and it looked like Ukraine would be taking all of the points home, along with one of the corner flags that goalkeeper Andriy Pyatov pinched for a laugh. But much to their disgust, England won a penalty in the closing minutes as the referee forgot that Ukraine had 'any-man-save' and penalised Yevgen Khacherdi for a handball. Fat Frank Lampard calmly placed the kick into the net to give England a point. Their was still time for some late drama as violent thug Steven Gerrard received a second yellow card for his usual violent thuggery, but it was too late to affect the game in any way. Roy Hodgson will probably be pleased with the point and even more pleased that the Flower and Produce Show is almost upon us in The Archers. For some reason, I think he may be a big fan.
Game 3: Cyprus vs Iceland
Prediction: Home win (Woohoo!)
For the first time in the history of this tie, Cyprus have defeated Iceland! Granted, that history only equates to five matches... Iceland created a host of chances with Spurs' midfielder Gylfi Sigurdsson in fine form, but the Cypriots dug their heels in and defended well and their hard-work paid-off in the second half when Konstantinos Makridisn scored from 12 yards. Iceland could have equalised just minutes after this goal, but Alfred Finnbogason's effort crashed off the crossbar. With five minutes to go, desperation and frustration got to the visitors as Solvi Ottesen was given his marching orders for using foul and abusive language toward the referee. It has not been widely reported exactly what happened during the exchange of words, but I can confirm that Ottesen said to the official "mamma þÃn er með rusl ketill", which roughly translates to "your mum has a shit kettle".
Game 4: Paraguay vs Venezuela
Predication: Home wins (D'oh!)
Venezuela boosted their chances of appearing at the World Cup by moving up the South American table and leaving Paraguay trailing at the bottom. Of the table, obviously. It now looks like the home side will not be going to Brazil, at least not on official business. I suppose some of them might go on holiday or to visit their Great Aunt Milagros. Paraguay had looked like the better side for most of the first half, but moments before the break, Venezuela's Cesar Gonzalez played a perfect pass through the defence for Jose Solomon Rondon to open the scoring. And he got his second after half-time when Paraguayan keeper Justo Villar spilled a long range free-kick, allowing him to tap the ball into the net. Interesting fact about Man of the Match Rondon; his name is an anagram of Sod Loners Mojo Noon. So there.
Venezuela boosted their chances of appearing at the World Cup by moving up the South American table and leaving Paraguay trailing at the bottom. Of the table, obviously. It now looks like the home side will not be going to Brazil, at least not on official business. I suppose some of them might go on holiday or to visit their Great Aunt Milagros. Paraguay had looked like the better side for most of the first half, but moments before the break, Venezuela's Cesar Gonzalez played a perfect pass through the defence for Jose Solomon Rondon to open the scoring. And he got his second after half-time when Paraguayan keeper Justo Villar spilled a long range free-kick, allowing him to tap the ball into the net. Interesting fact about Man of the Match Rondon; his name is an anagram of Sod Loners Mojo Noon. So there.
Game 5: Serbia vs Wales
Prediction: Away win (Hahahahahahahahahaha!)
The less said about this the better. So to keep it short and sweet; 6-1, Wales were crap, Grambler was wrong. Boyo.
On a side-note, we all know you're reading this Craig Levein! So come on now, do the honourable thing... Go to the Bobby Moore Fund website and give them some of that massive wage that you are doing nothing to justify!
Things get back to normal at the weekend as league football returns. And a win is definitely forthcoming, I can feel it my ovaries! Please come back on Friday; I'll be your best friend! Until then, consider this quote to help us through these losing times:
"Winners have to absorb losses"
- The great philosopher that is Ice-T (Mr T's son)
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